The Energetic Heart & Body

the Electric Heart, Magnetic Connections
and the healing power of light.

Unknown to modern understanding, hidden to the five senses, the human body gives off a subtle healing energy. For many of us… we have always ‘felt it’, this ‘energy’ between people, this higher feeling, yet never truly understood ‘why’ and ‘how’. The energy of life can feel divine, like something not of this world, such ‘true love’, or just a feeling of being ‘connected’ to people, a feeling of being in your purpose, in a new place, around the community. What if that feeling wasn’t something so ‘ethereal.’ What if it was something more basic, like air and water, something you could have more often, or even all the time. We go about our lives chasing our ambitions, unaware of this energy source that is right there, available in communities, in festivals, at the park, in the mall, with your friends. It’s right there if we know where to look. This exchange of energy, it happens all the time when we’re are in close proximity of others, even when we are doing or saying very little at all. The ‘energy’ is subtle yet important. According to German scientists.. the human body emits small measurable intensities of light, known as biophotons, from the eyes and skin. (Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp.) (Herbert Schwabl, Herbert Klima. Spontaneous ultraweak photon emission from biological systems and the endogenous light field.)

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This biolight, this ‘biophotonic field’ if you will, a kind of light energy that humans emit without even trying to, it is healing to ourselves and other people around us. Our bodies have a system for receiving biolight from each other, storing it in our cells and DNA. “Cellular damage can be virtually repaired, within hours, by faint beams of light.” (Popp) Biolight and other energies exchanged between people exist “just below our conscious perception.” (Rollin McCraty) We have this ‘bioluminescence’.

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My own spiritual and social journey to become more connected to others lead me to realize that there was some kind of ‘energy’ or vitality that would just ‘appear’ over time when large groups of people had gathered. In particular when those people seemed relaxed and were having fun. After years of exploring this concept it began to occur to me that humans were constantly exchanging small amounts of energy, that this energy was light itself. It began as energy from the Sun. Only this was a kind of living light. This ‘group healing effect’ seemed to be a simple answer to many of my life long struggles. A simple answer that took years even decades you might say to even notice or attune to. It had very little to do with ‘social skills’ as I had always been told, and ironically had more to do with particle physics. The healing effects of the energy people emit, light. And to put it more simply, it was really about relaxing and enjoying the self in the company of others. Too long I had focused my social energies into impressing others and trying to calculate in my mind what would be the best thing to say. All that energy, my ‘light’ was being channeled into slightly misdirected intentions, put there not by my own mistakes, but rather by society itself. The advice and ‘common wisdom’ that was surrounding me. As it turned out connection and attraction had very little to do with what I ‘said’, it was all about energy, joy.

If someone is too focused on  achieving tangible goals or getting the approval of others they never notice and emotionally experience, really ‘feel’ their own inherent worth in relation to themselves and others. Though we can’t see biolight particles with our eyes, we can act with an awareness of these energies and arrange more opportunity to simply receive their benefit. Biolight is a type of resource that can only come from being with people. The amount of light is seemingly small but the effect is significant over time. We don’t have to make an effort to produce it, because it is already  being produced.

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There is a kind of mirroring and or multiplying effect that happens between people and in groups. The energy keeps reflecting off and circulating between people over minutes and hours of relaxed playful interaction and even just physically being around groups of people, the energy increases and increases. This relaxing and enjoying of the company of others opens the flow for the energy, takes the mind off thoughts of fear, it heals the trauma that is caused by both isolation and dramatic events, often events and traumas we aren’t aware ever happened. The absence of the life force energy is in itself traumatic. And being around groups is a rapid way to feel that life force flooding back into your body. even if you have no trauma what so ever, doing this is fun and revitalizing to the fullest extent. We are inherently social creatures. You don’t have to ‘make yourself’ be social, that becomes like a misunderstanding about the body itself, when you make peace with the fears and worries inside you, and let go into the energy of the group, it just becomes enjoyable, the less you ‘make’ yourself do things, the more you become ‘naturally’ magnetic, ‘naturally’ attractive.

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I was fascinated to learn, five years ago when I was 25, that the term ‘biophoton’ was out there and there was a lot of research already confirming my suspicions. At the same time I felt that the research was incomplete, all through the essential discovery is there (of the body utilizing light energy similar to the way plants do.) I saw little mentioning of the way the energy seems to vastly multiply in large groups of people, or around people who are relaxed and having fun, in parallel to each other, or in the process of relationship. And no mention of the way the energy seems essential to attraction, physical romantic and friendship, key to confidence, and they way it seems to heal many things such as ‘autism’ and any difficulties connecting with desired persons (other people).

I think the current research is great, but i would much like to further it by measuring the energy and noticing any changes that occur in large groups or in festival like atmospheres for example. I think it would be interesting two measure the changes of energy in individuals in many different setting, public settings like restaurants or cafes, or in the park, at parties, and at home, at work. and see the differences. I am not concerned that everyone adopt the term ‘biophoton’. I think the term ‘deep vital energy’ is a bit better for the layman to use, it doesn’t sound so nerdy or science, although it is a bit wordy. Other words have been used such as ‘orgone energy’. Terms like ‘chi or prana’ describe the same energy, however those terms can imply effort, lots of skill, martial arts training and awareness. The ‘deep vital energy’ requires little skill. Often unskilled people will happen to be in good positive community environments that can naturally and or accidentally provided them with all this ‘vital energy’ this ‘orgone energy’. It doesn’t have that much to do with training. However you can practice to be more aware of it, and to consciously put ourselves in locations where you will naturally receive it’s benefit. I feel that the research on bio-photons doesn’t express the incredible social physical and emotional benefits of the energy, and the way it multiplies in social settings, particular ones that are relaxed or have a fun atmosphere.

When you are in these healthy good energy ‘good vibe environments’ you won’t even have to try to receive the befit of the energy. It will happen naturally. Mostly you will just have to make sure not to worry too much, to ‘get out of your own way’ so to speak. And the energy will continue to feel good even after the ‘good time’ is over. You have been noticing this energy all your life, it isn’t really anything new, some people like me may even lust after it, or become deeply devoted to a spiritual practice to get more in touch with it. I don’t think it has to be such a battle any more. There are many people out there who have all the natural skills they need to succeed, like they aren’t even trying, success just comes to them.

Research from 2019 indicates that the light is actually carried by single celled organisms that travel through a system of ‘microtubules’ in your body, like a second circulatory system, that is much smaller. In a strange way the light field really reminds me of ‘the force’ from Star Wars. And the micro organisms that carry light in the body, they are much like the fictitious (and controversial) ‘Midichlorians’. Particles that carry the force. The microtubules are like a scientific explanation of the Buddhist concept of energy ‘meridians’ passes for energy in the body. This new research about biophotons and microtubules, what I was first referring to as ‘deep vital energy’, is the gateway to a totally new understanding of the body, and also key in how people connect socially. But modern science the way it is is may be likely to protest it for some time to come.

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It is possible that many human struggles and perhaps even bigger struggles of the world could be explained by absences of this ‘bio-photon’ energy and or absence of understanding how the energy works, like blockages in the flow of light between people. While this energy is essentially the same as ‘chi’ or ‘prana’, yet the ‘deep vital energy’ as I sometimes call it, unlike those concepts, this energy can be spread out or distributed across society and communities essentially at random. If you look at the universe scientifically you will see that there is much about the distribution of matter and energy in the great void of it all that is truly random. You don’t really ‘earn it’ (the light, the love) or get it because you’re ‘worthy’ or ‘not worthy’. That’s why it’s important to know that you ‘are worthy’ even if the ‘light’ hasn’t reached you enough in your life, so to speak. That’s why we have to change our concepts of ‘I don’t deserve it’ ‘I’m not worthy’, you didn’t feel the love, so you build up this concept that you are not worthy, and you have to earn it, that’s a stigma society needs to get past. When you see how -random- it all truly is, you realize it’s not your fault you didn’t’ get the love. You deserve it, even more then the people who got it from the start. there isn’t any ‘flaw’ with your ‘character’. Often if anything the main flaw is thinking you have a flaw, like a ‘complex’.

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We often treat trauma like it is primary mental. but I find personally that it can be largely emotion more so then it is existing in the mind or brain. It can be very traumatic to feel ‘cut off’ from this life force energy. That feeling of being ‘cut off’ often stokes feeling of fear in the heart, it beings as fear singles in the heart more so often then it is rooted in specific mental complexities (in my opinion). Making trauma too ‘mental’ and ‘about the brain’ can actually further complicate it. Over the years I have learned to get more into my physical body, feel the emotions, feel the pulses and responses in the body. Getting out of the ‘words’ the thoughts, that stuff is secondary to emotions and feelings which move much faster.

Your feelings can make choices much faster then your mind can articulate those choices into the English language, or whatever is your first language. I find myself sometimes using language to communicate with myself, when really language is designed as a way to communicate to other people, your feelings are a language of their own. Feelings get scary, we get afraid to trust them. So we put words over top of them. Yet the feelings carry a lot more power then the words. A feeling says a lot. Feelings are magnetic. Electromagnetic. I think we undervalue feelings in modern society. “Feelings are chemical signals in the brain” you will hear. We are really ‘big’ about the mind. there are always new books coming out about the ‘mind’. it almost annoyes me now, because it makes the mind like this celebrity, and we tend to over look the power of something truly very simple like a -feeling- and the way that simple -feeling- can put us in touch with a vast river of energy between people, of raw charismatic power and intuitive instinctive connections to others, sometimes even at a great distance.

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(ba = biophoton absorption)

Too often we get ‘cut off’ from the energy of people. Yet modern science isn’t really that aware of the energy, it is like a fringe science, or pseudoscience even, so the idea of being ‘cut off’ from the light energy of life, is not a situation that is taken with any serious gravity. however it is very serious. the light energy is a driving force of life itself. Without it, you will be disconnected, from people, from your(full)self. Society may label you ‘high functioning autistic’ or a number of other things, such as ‘depressed’. As though something has ‘gone wrong’ in your -brain-. And believing that is true ironically keeps you spinning in the mind, trying to puzzle out a problem that was never the to begin with.

When really what you are missing is time in your life to enjoy the vibes, and the emotional connection that you deserve it, you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy the company of others and not just compete to impress them. The forces that take your light away can be truly random, and that’s why you have to remember that you deserve the love. the light. You will be surrounded by people telling you you have a complicated problem of motivation or of mind, of physiology, but really the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to open they way for more light to enter your life, to get out there, soak up the vibes, and be kind to yourself instead of worrying what others will think. I spent all my life trying harder to be more successful, to self improve, it all turned out to be a spiral in the end. it turns out…. happiness is easy.

Once you identify what got in the way of giving yourself permission to be happy around people, you start to feel the stress in your body, and you start to let it go. Trauma is a bigger problem in society then we give it credit for. It is exacerbated by the fact that we aren’t that aware about the way energy flows between people and multiples in groups. We fight for scraps of joy here and there, when all you have to do is show up to a party or a festival, and you become like a sponge, soaking up the life force, the light, the ‘human field, the vibes, and that energy powers your deep body, you retain it, like this ‘after glow’, you can go home and wright novels, or enjoy a video game with this heightened sense of perception and emotion, appreciation for the little things, you are charged on life and don’t need the game to fill the void any more so you gain this whole new appreciation for the details, you don’t have to be glued to people, you can just enjoy life at your own pace. That energy is fuel for all kinds of things. Sometimes what we call ‘motivation’ to strive for greater heights is a mentality that makes life unnecessarily challenging. When you are used to doing things the hard way it almost seems too easy to just allow yourself to feel happy.

Some families and or groups have the ‘good vibes’ and produce lots of vibrant magnetic or attractive children, others are awkward and have ‘low energy’ emission. It is very random and chaotic, and it is not anyone’s fault. If a flower doesn’t get enough light, it is not the fault of the flower that it is not growing, and it’s also not the fault of the flowers near by, and no amount of shouting or telling the flower to “grow” can make it grow. It grows from sunlight soil and water, being in a nourishing environment. That means being somewhere where it can receive the ‘energy’ to become part of it’s flow. People grow like plants, yet we place judgment on ourselves and each other all the time for things that aren’t anyone’s fault. We need to take charge of our lives and seek out and create environments that make it easier to thrive, and break the patter of what all the old voices and old habits of conditioned society tell us we ‘should’ to. What all those voices tell us ‘is right’ and start listening to what ‘feels’ right. Listening more to that feeling. It isn’t obvious. And even just listening to the feeling doesn’t mean everything will go right. The first time i tried just trusting in the ‘feeling’ never even seemed to let me leave the house. I think I got more discouraged about trusting my ‘feelings’ after that. It didn’t seem to be the first time feelings had lead me astray. And yet all that goes back to the environment thing. once I got myself out of the house and into that environment where i could ‘grow’ like the flower. The energy started to flow. I went to meetups and concerts and places where people were having fun. That was how i taught myself to succeed society. And disconnected from the old advice the forced social skills and ‘be yourself’ stuff that wasn’t working. The ‘try harder’ thing that feels like motivation yet becomes endless and fruitless over months and years.

Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
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“Everything in the universe, including your body, is controlled by energy.”

Much new information and research is already out there yet the struggle society now faces is the tendency to get stuck in a kind of ‘group think’ a classic psychology thing that is easy to overlook, the tendency to do what the group is doing, to do what others are doing just because others are doing it. Similar to having a kind of blind faith in ‘the experts’ and other authority figures just because they ‘should know’.

This research about the ‘light energy that travels between people’ opens up a new way to understand how we connect and what makes us feel fulfilled and happy. It comes from being with people yet it adds color and joy to all other aspects of our lives, our passions and joy.

The energy continues to last inside of us even after the social gathering is over. Not unlike charging a battery. In a way we are like organic batteries charging wirelessly when we hang together in groups. It sounds silly, yet looking at it this way has made things like socializing and going to parties immensely easier for me. Now I don’t even try. I just enjoy myself. It is something you have to get used to. But with practice it becomes very easy. You keep showing up and letting go of all the old assumptions that tell you you can’t. They come from the old ‘low energy’ conception of realty I used to be in. And now people want to talk to me. We are giving off the energy all the time, it is not a choice, just noticing it is there, now i can take more time to fully enjoy it. Unlike the force or something from DBZ the energy doesn’t give us super powers, however it does connect us more to people, and to me perhaps that is a superpower lol. You can mainly notice it with how you feel, such as ‘uplifted’. You have been noticing it all your life. I did. But I didn’t know that I could have more satisfaction more often. And it wasn’t about ‘working harder’ as I thought for so long. When I notice and feel the energy around people more I tend to seek out those places and environments that made me feel uplifted, the concerts or even just going to the park. I also began to change my perspective with home life, really accepting the goodness that was already there, taking more time to enjoy it. I found that enjoying what i already had, i was attracting more. Friends of friends would stop b, suddenly they saw me in a new way. It was about both acceptance, seeing the good in what already is, and being proactive about seeking those people and places that made me feel uplifted, fulfilled, that kind of healthy good feeling. That is the feeling of the deep vital energy filling you up. To be more nerdy you can call it ‘biophotons’. It is what I am now starting to call ‘Party Therapy’ the joy of being with others yet staying connected to yourself.

I go on the news and sometimes it starts to feel like even young children have something more to offer to the conversation because they are still creative and outside per-established assumptions, while we adults are stuck in the box. The world is changing so fast with the internet, google and youtube, information and cutting edge info is available on anything and everything in a way that is quick and easy to understand and comes at our desire and request. It is a kind of party therapy as well. If you are not using it to replace social bonds that is as I did years ago. The internet fills our generation with so much info, if you know how to use it in the right way that is, non addictive, thinking for yourself, spending most of your time experiencing the real world, the internet can keep you informed about all kinds of things. The problem is now not that we don’t have new solutions, but that we society as a whole is so attached to the old way of doing things that it can be hard to notice new information is even there. And this is really not the fault of any one individual.

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Our eyes alone possess an incredible power to help others relax, feel safe; central in this naturally occurring light exchange between people. Yet it is not just about the eyes but also the heart. It is about what we feel when we gaze that makes the gaze more satisfying, and the revelation that we can influence and change how we feel, with thoughts, with belief, with our own free will, mostly we can change simply by noticing a feeling is there, just noticing we can change it we already start to change…. We allow ourselves to feel comfortable with ourselves and then with various types of eye contact. I allow my eyes to move around and go where they want to go. It is important to know that we can take pressure off needing words to substantiate ourselves. So many modern modes of relation focus largely on intellectual concepts and words. The truth is we can in fact look at someone, anyone, in their eyes, without words needing to be exchanged, and this is vital and healthy. People just like the sense that someone is paying attention to them, they feel heard, it feels good and natural. Biolight travels at the speed of light, though it takes the heart time to absorb it.  I believe it may also be able to effect people from long distances such as 100 feet. For example one can feel and benefit from the energy of an entire crowd. It may be more effective at closer distances. This may sound like turning love into science. Yet I believe that this awareness of our bodies may reduce suffering and enable us to thrive.

“Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

The Dalai Lama

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The heart plays a significant role in the body in addition to pumping blood. It is key in powering this energetic biolight system in the body. “The heart generates a powerful pressure wave that travels rapidly throughout the arteries much faster than the actual flow of blood.” (Rollin McCraty) “The magnetic component of the heart’s field, which is around 5000  times stronger than that produced by the brain, is not impeded by tissues (muscles, skin, organs) and can be measured several feet away from the body (with Superconducting Quantum Interference Device (SQUID) based magnetometers.)” (The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Interactions Within and Between People Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.)   In addition to the brain, the heart and the gut actually contain neurons. This heart intelligence informs the brain more then was previously understood. Our feelings or intuition are an evolved decision making system. When we learn to trust our feelings without fear they can guide us to what is needed both individually and collectively. Feelings of the heart can actually be felt physically by other people near us. If someone has an anxious heart it can actually be uncomfortable for a person ten feet away if they are also anxious or in energetic drain. If someone is feeling a natural or un-efforting satisfaction, this can be felt and is attractive to someone ten feet away and more, and is also healing to another with an energetically drained heart. The energetically satisfied heart is not only less effected by anxiety of others it is healing to them. Without a full heart the mind is more easily encumbered by fear and self doubt. Constantly thinking in search of complex solutions, but never satisfied.  Physical contact, a touch on the shoulder, hugging, is also an important way of generating energy and connection with people. A socially isolated person may feel threatened by touch. Prolonged social isolation, stillness, and time in dismal environment is actually draining to the human body. Experiments on monkeys showed that if you remove a monkey from it’s environment; if you take a monkey away from the other monkeys, but continue to feed it, it will actually die. It was said that monkeys who were given a soft object to hug survived the social isolation, but they were still considerably weaker then the monkeys who remained in their natural habitat.  Social isolation will make someone physically week, fragile. In light of this we should move in at a general and gradual rhythm, adjusting differently depending on the person. Being cautious with an isolated person so they feel safe.

We can also exchange biolight with animals. It is possible that a larger person may emit more then a smaller person, a young man may emit more than a baby. The fully mature heart emits more. A happy person will emit more then a small cat (of similar emotional state). But a cat may emit more then a depressed person. At the same time babies and children will emit a lot because they instinctively know to make eye contact and feel free to play; social insecurity in society has not yet set in. Children and young people will often emit a lot of biolight because their bodies are very healthy and they feel free to express play (thus releasing the stress in their cells). Knowing about biolight and play can restore youth to a degree. We can use this awareness to get more out of relationship, and be with people that help us feel good.

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I used to think that other people, girls I liked, peers I wanted to meet, ‘had the love,’ the ‘bright eyes’. We’ve all felt or seen it. I would sense it from people. All my life I was expecting the other person to ‘show the love’. I thought if someone didn’t that meant they didn’t like me. But now I see the ‘bright eyes’ more as a phenomena that arises between people. I was putting too much pressure on the other expecting it from them. It was never there’s to give. The ‘bright eyes’ is something that arises over time between two or more people.

I think trauma exists in the world on a bigger level then we even realize, and often we are compactly unaware of it. We tend to think ‘we’ have a problem, and everyone else has it ‘figured out’. That is in itself part of the ‘trauma prescriptive’. Part of that trauma perspective is not even knowing the trauma is effecting you. We feel disconnected. Like others are more outgoing and magnetic then we can ever hope to be. But when you heal that ‘feeling’, things start to shift. It is as simple as ‘enjoying the vibes’. but that can feel scary, you get used to failure, you start to expect failure, expect the hurt. But there might be a feeling inside you that tells you can get more connected, the ‘how’ isn’t totally obvious, but the feeling shows you how. and it is that feeling is like the ‘receptor’ that guides you to where the ‘vital energy’ is. the biophotons so to speak.

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‘Biophotons’ makes you think of little particles. But really it is like a river, flowing between people, and circulating through your own body. like a love loop. a feedback loop. it circulates and grows stronger with each circulation. Weather it is the relationship between your mind and your heart, or the relationship between you and others, let it be a loving one. When you love yourself, that is the starting place to open the energy to love others. Yet keep in mind that we are a community organism, and if you try to love yourself too much in the safety of your own isolation, you start to feel cut off. It is valuable to learn how to be around others, yet not feel the need to ‘conform’ to exactly what they are doing and saying and how they are doing and saying it. It is possible to be around others and enjoy their company, whiteout really conforming to a single thing, if you so desire, you have to go at your own pace and do what feels right for you, and at the end of the day, that’s what makes others happy to, if others feel that you are happy they will feel happy too.

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This social benefit is healing to us all. With time and practice, day after day it begins to feel more natural and instinctive to simply receive this ‘human light energy’ in the group. This is what I at first was calling the ‘love instinct’. To seek love attention and connection for the pure joy of it, for the good feeling it brings. Over time doing this the heart and mind actually self rewires so to speak, you thoughts and feelings become naturally reoriented towards seeking energy and joy and fulfillment from people and eye contact and things like laughter and the warm feelings this all brings. Feelings that become almost impossible to find when connection becomes replaced with material pleasures. Over just minutes and hours our heart and cells are charged with it. We become ‘fulfilled’ ‘uplifted’ ‘naturally high.’ (Naturally Social)

Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

Saying “I like you”

I was getting along great with this girl for months at this work training program (kind of a big community-ish place.) She was one of the few really positive forces in the direct physical proximity of my little life here. Things were great for a long time… and I decided finally to get a little more bold.. and ask her on a date. I wasn’t sure what she would say by any means. I saw her all the time. It almost felt obvious at this point.. to ask. But man… her reaction. It was silence for about a day. Then finally she said “I’m not looking to date anyone right now.”

Ok.. that’s fine. I told her that was ok. “I’m not in a hurry to date anyone now either.” I say. The thing is.. often girls just say that to get rid of you when they have some other specific reason to not be attracted to you. I just wanted to know a little more. And even as a friend, i wanted to get to know her more, as I had been doing before. We talked more, it seemed constructive, we agreed to be friends. It all sounds mostly cordial and good in the messages. She gave more then one reason for not wanting to date. Mainly it was that she “needed time to work on herself”. She really rubbed in the “just friends” things a bit too much. “lets just be friends.. and nothing else” Ok, I get it. ….But she was just sacred.. guys pressure her, sure, yeah.. I try not to take it personal. I do my best to sound confident.. but I’m really not an aggressive person. I just don’t like to be blown off in one or two sentences without more of a conversation about what actually just happened. just because we are not dating doesn’t mean i don’t vastly enjoy her company, being her friend, the things we talk about, as i had been doing up until then. she was a positive force in my little life here.

but yeah. it continues. it seems ok enough in the messages, rather good actually, respectful, articulate. yet when i see her throughout the day.. she is like physically running away from me, there is this very bad vibe, just when i happen to pass by her during the day. Things are not the same. it’s been over a week and she reacts like something really bad has happened.. just because i gave this “implication” i liked her. She is actually very chubby. I never said that to her that of course lol. And really she is very happy all the time and curvy (lol), and an uplifting force in my life in general.. she seems good with animals and kids. she says kind insightful things in group. she looks kind of innocent and cute but just starts rattling off all these really mature sounding things and topics without batting an eye. she looks like a big cute happy kid who like dancing to pop songs and eating lollie pops. but she has worked in hospitals. she can speak about any topic. she is serious. I thought she was like a hidden gem because you don’t notice her quality right away, or rather it has grown on me a lot. I feel very positive around her.. Lots of people can be driven in life by a kind of a stress or trauma, however you call it. She is very natural. She just looks healthy you know. I really feel for anyone with trauma like myself.. yet it is also true for me it is really healing to find one person like that who seems so grounded or ‘in nature’ kind of all the time.

I thought she would see this as a compliment, that i asked her on a date. Even if she said no. I didn’t have an expectation.. that was for sure. But i had waited months.. and my main concern was that she might think i didn’t actually like her and go for someone else who just had the balls to be more direct with her. I liked her more.. so i was taking my time. but knowing there are other guys out there.. that effects your process.

You have the right to say NO

AND you have the right to repair the damage

(a right to let them know why

and to talk things out between them and you)

A year ago i was actually in California, and i had met more then one great girl in my time there. it was some kind of serious miracle. I was forced to move back to New York. I am not a big fan of New York really. I like it.. but it is not the right place for me, maybe for a year or a few moths.. but not a place to grow up in unless you are already really confided about the way you life is going. lots of people to meet here.. but they are all busy. it’s a kind of illness, the constant busyness. I need warm weather.. chill vibes.. beaches.. year round. I have enough challenges already. The cold busy life of New York.. i wonder how it shaped me growing up over the years.. kept me more isolated… always trying to become something better.. cultivating that feeling that i didn’t matter.. afraid to seek out new groups. Eventually i did.. but man a nice environment really helps.

Even my cousin moved back to her home state because she said she couldn’t meet anyone in New York. many people she came across seemed to put work before family and relationships, they were preoccupied… the drive to “success” you might call it. For them they probably thought it made them sound more active.. the ambitions.. the devotion to work.. for her she wanted a family man. someone who valued the simple things. All those fast talking smart New Yorker’s probably thought they were making a good impression.. but there was something more obvious and basic missing.. and it is hard to know it.. when it is so apart of you.. i grew up inside it.. in California things were “better enough” that it helps me to see more clearly that there was a different way. that life really could feel easy or natural in relationship. It was like I moving my inner “tree” into the sunlight, when for so long i had been growing crooked in the dark. But i couldn’t afford to keep living there.

My life in general is a mess. out of control.. but i have to see the best in it. I live in these chaotic community homes… one to the next. this one is better then the last. That’s why i really wanted a friend like this girl. Someone so natural and stable. There are a few other people here i feel that way about.. but they are like my “superiors”.. people i “work under” so it is confusing asking if they want to hang out. they don’t ask me to hang out. there is actually even a rule that i can’t ride in their cars so it is super awkward and a little sad. also sad that i work under people younger then me who feel like they are friends, but like I’m not even allowed in their cars. there are lots of group activities but that isn’t always my jam. You want to feel like you can do the things you want to in your free time… and a few people in the group are really off the walls. Like a few specific people talking loudly over other people or randomly circling around the room being distrating. So all that chaos.. and the need for something calm and powerful.. put more pressure on finding a friend like this girl. the one person who is normal to talk to.. and not my superior. Like this happy ball of sunshine that just randomly dropped into my universe. but i had to make a choice about weather to be honest about liking her. I thought it might help move things along. If she had been feeling shy.

This girl, she kept saying that she needed to “work on herself” but it has been months since her last break up. i was never like.. in a hurry to “get with her”, never like in a hurry to “bang” her or something lol. I’m the type of person who could be contended with just for the pure joy of being around a person. It can feel so good to just finally have the company of a cute girl on a consistent basis. but her response.. brings up questions… what freaked her out so much? Does she see me as a preditor? Does she think i am disgusting that she has to over her eyes from me and run?

Before i asked her on a date two weeks ago.. we were taking with some regularity, making eye contact, comfortable in close proximity thorough the day, it was great, consistent, natural.. until i told her i liked her. I told her a bit more about my self. and asked a few question to get to know a bit more about where she was coming from and it all felt pretty mature and good for for the most part. and now when i see her in person she reacts like she is disgusted by me. and what really gets under my skin is that when she talks in the workshops here.. she sounds quite wise and mature, I am impressed by her. She says she wants a relationship where she can “talk about trauma,” because that is healthy to do.

Society doesn’t teach people how to handle these situations. i mean just the way this has been handled was extremely traumatic. talk about trauma. It feels like my gut is telling me that if her response is this brutal simply to a guy liking her.. that she doesn’t really understand the value of the relationships that continue to come her way just because she is cute. Society will never tell her to handle it better or to be kinder. Like she gets relationship after relationship (with guys who end up cheating on her)… and hopes for something better.. but takes it for granted, that there will always be another one,  guys will be asking her out.. so she can brutally blow off someone for all time if the timing isn’t right. it’s one thing when it’s not a good time for her. but sometimes it is like they really just mean “never”. i told her i was learning things and could use time to work on myself to.. that i wasn’t in a hurry. This type of thing just happens way to often. there are a lot of people in my area… but this was the person i had serious ongoing chemistry with. In California there were way more girls. but it was never easy. I was single until i was 29. I dated a girl for a few months once.

But yeah what is with this pattern of getting close to a girl.. but then it is like she is devastated to find out that you like her… It feels really fucked up. Like i am not her friend at all now. and i hear her talk about it and it feels like everyone among her it telling her this is the right thing for her to do. we had good vibes before. i never -needed- to date her. i don’t need it at this moment. but i need to feel like girls find me attractive. it is very confusing.. when you do everything right and are single for 29 years. I can tell by how this girl talks that she has blown off other men this this cold sudden kind of way.. and she is upset that most of them get angry. when i handed it very cordially and kept up a dynamic soothing dialogue.. she still treats me like we are in high-school.. like running away.. like holding a grudge. it effects me.. because i have no friends in this area.. she was also a true friend here.. now it is like she would rather hang out with the local retarded guy, not that there is anything wrong with being retarded, but this guy is also really obsessions.. but she feels safe with him? because she knows he won’t ask her out? what the hell. she and i are like the most normal people at this place. i just needed a friend and got over excited i guess.

I don’t need a relationship with anyone. but it feels like i can’t even be her friend now. you would think it would have been a compliment. she has the right to say no. but it feels like she was so hurt by it.. and we should be able to talk about that. why it hurt. or even better.. simply change the topic.. but stay as friends. i really don’t have a lot of friends in my physical proximity right now.. and i was really vibing with her for a long time. she’s just the right kind of natural person that I need to be around right now.. even just as a friend. we humans have got to stick together. this life is hard enough. loneliness is real. that was really all i needed.. i was just afraid she would think i didn’t like her. and any day the irony is that some guy who likes her less then i do could have asked her out.. because he would have been less invested in the result of what she says. that’s where it got complicated. otherwise i could have kept being her friend far longer before saying a thing. she is kind of goofy and chubby and I really do like her and I thought maybe she didn’t think she was good enough. man the roles have reversed like 180. I can’t argue with it or get in the habit of trying to prove i am good enough. Everyone has the right to say no. it is a lot more confusing when you have been getting along with someone for a long time.. and you see them every day. It feels like it would bring more relief to talk through this type of thing. there is no reason why she needs to be afraid of me.. and we see each other all the time.. it just makes things more uncomfortable.. it makes me feel bad.. and she had potential to be a true friend. It’s annoying to have to regret telling someone “i like you” but if you never tell them.. you will regret that too.

It brings up a lot of questions. like if you ask a girl out. and feel a great vibe with her. and she tells you it is not a good time in her life. and then starts to feel really conflicted and uneasy just knowing that you liked her.. like maybe guilty, it probably brought up a lot of questions.. like things that went wrong in past relationships she isn’t read to even start to think about. but then some other guy asks her out a year later when it is a good time for her. when she has worked out her demons. and then it is true love forever. so much of love seems like circumstantial.. being in the right place at the right time. i have been aware of this even since i was much younger… like say 17. love feels very natural.. but like society doesn’t give us the right way to talk about it or make time for it. We want the same things.. but if the timing isn’t right.. it can go very wrong.. people who like each other could become almost like enemies.. because you don’t really talk to the other person.. you trigger each other.. one person feels worthless and rejected.. the other person feels pressured and controlled. you both could be in agreement. but you don’t know it because you are afraid to speak to the other

You just have to hope that it is the “right time” for someone.. and it all starts to feel so totally random.. but when you actually see the person like in reality.. beyond what society tells us.. you feel a real connection.. something that is real and healthy and important.. even just being there friend.. seems to attract more good things into life for both people. I find it hard to talk to her.. because she runs away. it freaks me out. that she is doing that. like an overreaction. i feel like because she is not talking to me.. she just be imagining something much darker is going on. like she can’t know what i am thinking. she probably thinks i am pressuring and controlling her.. not handling a rejection well. I was really happy just the way things were. it is really silly. it feels like not talking about it is creating way more pain. but society will tell her “you have the right to say no. you have the right to reject” but that isn’t the actual quetsino here. that is a distraction. how do you mend a friendship? how do you repair a connection to someone? Before this we had a positive mutually beneficial connection.. that had been sorly lacking in my life for a long time. us humans gotta stick together in this crazy world. For guys the term “just friends” hurts.. it hurts a lot. And it is something that should be spoken about honestly. but it doesn’t mean that we are “in a hurry to bang” or “need” to pressure a specific person into a relationship. “wanting” relationship doesn’t make you “entitled” but i feel like society seems seems to strongly imply that it does. it is hard.. but it feels like guys and girls should be able to talk openly about this type of thing. like we are hiding in our triggers and triggering each other.. when the irony of it all is that the two of us are actually in agreement.. but she is a bit younger then me.. she is more afraid.. she is afraid to talk to me.. won’t actually told to me.. so she is probably imagining that i am this guy pressuring her into something she doesn’t want. stuff that isn’t there. I don’t like to wait this out forever. but i feel afraid to just walk up and talk to her. too much bad ju ju. like this girl will literally run away and it will make it so much worse. what did i ever do to disserve this? lol

So i saw her today. She  was walking by. It had been on my mind a lot. Why was she afraid? had i really upset her? I got her attention .. she didn’t actually run away this time. she smiled or walked closer or something like that. I told her i was afraid i had upset her.. and that i felt bad about it. i waned her to know that i was in agreement with her that we could be friends, and that i had no ill wishes to her. that she didn’t have anything to fear from me.

And she said “yes everything is good. it’s good. we are in agreement.” something like that. it felt positive. my eyes met hers it felt good. it was almost too brief. she was walking to the office where the have lollipops. she has a habit of going there once or twice a day to get a pop. she seemed in a hurry to get there. like that pop was more excieting then i was.

this brought another question to mind. perhaps she wasn’t that troubled by me at all. was it possible that i was simply such in inconsequential element in her life that none of this had really even effected her. it felt like she had been afraid of me.. but maybe that was combining with the fact that she was simply indifferent about me. that was equally scary. she seemed in a hurry to get to that pop. but i felt great. it felt like we were in fact on good terms now. even it it was resolved in just two sentience. now i had got it off my chest. a better version of what i had meant to say seven days ago before she stopped reading my message.

i felt good. it felt like something had been repaired. it wasn’t even as wrong as i thought. now i didn’t have to read too much into her actions or expression. it might be natural or reflexive for her to want to look the other way.. know that she knows i like her.. that we had that conflict. her trauma is feeling pressured into relationships. my trauma is feeling rejected and lacking relationship. We have opposite traumas. We triggered each other. it is sad. that we have to be so different and oppisite. like tragic irony. But it was never really “personal”. and we are actually in agreement that we both could use a friend right now.. and that is more important then dating anyone. (LOL of course i do want a relationship as a guy who as been single the vast majoirty of his life.. obviously that is only natural.. but i mean i agree that i have no specific NEED for it to be her.. or for it to be “now”) It is normal that you may not want to date a person.. but i don’t think girls like her always realize that there can be intense hidden implications behind what she says that can leave people feeling hurt.. that’s why it is good to talk about it. for her it is not a good time. she has unloved business. but some guys are used to being alone.. used to rejecting.. it is hard not for it to feel personal. and at the end of the day.. even just the friendship with a nice girl can feel very rewarding if you have been single so long. And it can lead to you feeling positive and actually attracting relationships with more people.. having friends of the other sex.. it is not necessarily bad to be friends with someone you like. i mean.. sometimes i can like 5 or 10 different girls and be friends with all of them. it has happened before. and it feels very positive.. and you end up not focusing too much on anybody. guess what.. they are all taken. who cares. it still made my life better.

i feel good about it. it’s an improvement. i go onto facebook. she handed unfriended me so i felt that maybe what she said and what she felt could be different things. i clicked on her profile. I’m just broad. i don’t have that many friends her. i was thinking about relationship. and the connections i have here. at least i could feel good that i am her friend again. then i noticed it said “message (her name) if you know her”. she had unfriended me. she had actually unfriended me over this and i didn’t even notice. we had only just friended a few weeks ago. that was so extreme. if anything i thought this might have brought us closer. we wanted different things but that is normal.. i had used it as a segway to talk to her about a variety of things in that conversion seven days ago.. we talked about why we were here.. what we wanted out of it.. something else.. i can’t remember. it was brilliant really, how much better i am at this. i was turning the negative into a positive. I could sell that conversion in a dating skills book.

but yeah then it felt like she was actually afraid of me. talking to her was great. but now i notice that she actually is not my friend anymore on the internet. she is younger then me. this is very normal for some girls. things get very dramatic. I knew somebody that would unfriend even her closest friends any time they had a big argument. I’ve never unfriend anyone. its sad. how happy and normal she seems. stuff like this is what makes me question that we are in fact on “good terms”. it feels very immature and ridiculous.. but i am short on options here. if i was in California.. i was meeting way more chill happy people there. this is not the place for me. i knew that from the start… i had no choice. I’m trying to focus on the good relationships i do have here. What is the purpose of this story? I feel like this type of situation comes up a lot though, and at the least it makes a good story.. at best we learn something profound about society and it helps us all find better relationships LOL.

 

SoulBlade, a custom game

This is a nostalgia project. I have been designing this game on my phone.

The story behind this game starts around a year ago.. I didn’t have access to my computer… so i was looking for something fun to do on my phone.. and then i actually found this application that is for game deign that works directly on your iPhone. The app “Hopscotch” is marketed at kids.. but it is really sophisticated. For a long time I wanted to design a computer or video game.. and now i finally had the means. it wasn’t easy.. this game is basically a series of hundreds of simple math equations.. telling images or objects to move by the “pixels” or “coordinates” on the screen. Telling them where to go relative to what the player is doing. Still it’s a lot of fun. It’s just a long series of simple equations, like “you move 20 pixels when button 1 is down” type thing. Also something about the program makes it hard to control the “sizes” of objects. you have to keep adjusting it in the blind with percentages until it happens to be right. lots of blind mental calculations. often objects appear way to big and you have to use code to shrink them. this also creates lag.

I’ve put the visuals in from many of my favorite classic games form the 1990’s and 2000’s. It’s basically a mixture of “Youshi’s Island, Castlevania, and Donkeykong” the combination is intended to be a bit comedic. And Castlevania is the primary inspiration. Castlevania is a game about using swords and whips to explore a vast castle and fight Dracula the demon king. This is like a fan game, and not technically my “own game” because it is a combination of others games. But sometimes even as a gamer I notice that I enjoy playing fan made expansions of my favorite games even more then I enjoy new or original games. So maybe it’s not a sin to remodel what is already existing as long as you don’t sell it. If it’s not broke don’t fix it.

So my game is basically Castlevania but with a kinds of goofy “Super Mario” esque elements scattered throughout it. I may have to recreate the game one day in a different application to make it available to more people. Years ago I was creating this same game in Adobe Flash, but my subscription ran out! So i can’t even use flash any more. The goal is to create a casual adventure that is more for fun and an excuse to relax then anything else. the game has a lot of randomized elements so you can have a different experience each time. Even if you can’t play it is fun to watch it, also because i can add music to the video that would be in the actual game.

Sadly it isn’t that easy to access for the public, I can’t sell it or even make it available to people in an easy way. If you download the iPhone app “Hopstotch” you should be able to play it, but it won’t have sound or music, and it may try to charge you 7 dollars after a month for the app. According to the creators of the app, they were able to play my game even though it uses outside images that sometimes don’t appear.

This project hit a wall when i found out it would be so hard to share it with others, not have it’s own sound and music, etc. So that’s why there isn’t a lot of motivation to really “polish” and finish this project. I have wanted to design games for a long time. Maybe one day I can continue this project on a different platform like GamesSalad or “Unity”. I am also considering trying out something called “Ocarina Sharp” that is fan made and lets you make 3D Zelda games, but I have a feeling it will be complex.

The story of “Nirvana Saga”

For a long time I have been working on an epic fantasy series called the “Nirvana Saga”. I have poured much of my life and passion into this story. It is kind of like a “secret” project because so much of it is unfinished, so I haven’t tried to make it ‘public’ really. The story is kind of a metaphor for just about everything, the “human experience” even though it takes place in the afterlife.. that is to make it exciting.. it is a story about trauma. and recovery. People in the story awaken in “Nirvana” the afterlife.. and find it isn’t everything they expected. it is actually better. yet the hardest thing is just learning to cope with and get past the trauma of everything that happened to them on Earth. In the story they are trying to uncover the actual reason for the existence of the Earth plain, the reason turns out to be something much darker then they thought possible.. and just when they think the story is over.. the quest to uncover the truth behind the reason for the existence of Earth awakens a new journey here in Nirvana, an unknown enemy, a sleeping beast they never dreamed they would encounter. This story is a metaphor, yet it is also a testing ground for my real opinions about the afterlife.

 

A synopsis:

The story of “Nirvana Saga” takes place in Nirvana… the afterlife. Zeathean and Lyra, after living and dying, surviving all the trials of life, they can now finally live together in harmony here in the free world. They settle into a small village, surrounded by nature, and live a happy life. Festivals day and night. Lyra is enthusiastic.. like a ring leader in their village. Many people have been hurt by events of their past lives.. but she wants them to find their genuine joy. Zeathean and Lyra now have closeness and love they had always wanted. it seems never to end. it feels way too good to be true. so good it is actually scary. There is so much to do in this new world. On the surface it is similar to the Earth world.. yet the more you explore.. it is endless. and magical.. everything they wanted about their old lives is here.. the simple things that matter.. and yet there is a new world full of adventure just waiting for them.

Nirvana is not actually a single place.. but rather a Multiverse full of adventure.. the true expression of soul. Contrary to popular belief Nirvana isn’t without pain and struggle. It has all the sins of earth.. However Nirvana is also very different, the physical laws it follows are almost opposite to what they are on Earth. In Nirvana.. getting stabbed through the heart can actually make you stronger, though pain is not enjoyable.

People who return to Nirvana from earth.. experience it like a whole new place. Now they have a much greater appreciation for all that Nirvana is. To them.. it isn’t even the same place that they left.. now that they carry with them all the experiences they had on earth. When you journey to Earth from Nirvana.. you forget everything that happened to you in Nirvana as you entire the antimatter cloud.. everything you knew is erased.. however on the return trip it is not the same.. in Nirvana the true world.. you tend to remember a fair amount of what happened to you on Earth, only what your soul remembers, not your mind which is no longer even the same mind or body. (On Earth past life memory.. and connection to the afterlife are both perfectly eclipses/obstructed by the antimatter boundary between Earth and Nirvana.) Having this memory of events on earth.. it can be traumatic. But it also means people who returned from Earth tend to seek out and collectively manifest, and then inhabit these places. These places may be your home.. a place you lived.. or your idea vacation spot. It is an entirely new place that may resemble your ideal dream environment, and often it is a combination of the overlapping dreams of many people that manifest these Nirvana environments. New environments are manifesting all the time. But that doesn’t mean the souls have full control over what appears here. These environments appears to reflect the life the souls here most desired.. which may not even be the life they “think” they desired. It is the life they actually desired. Which isn’t unlimited freedom. Often it can be surprisingly ordinary, but the way it feels is not the way it looks, and lets be fair, even ordinary places in Nirvana are still way more surreal and awesome in their look and stature to most of the places you see on Earth.Nirvana doesn’t just give you everything you want. because that would be too easy.. then there would be nothing left to do. Nirvana gives you freedom.. a new adventure. It gives you not a a life of unlimited power and freedom.. but simply the life you wanted when you were on Earth.

Nirvana is no superficial paradise… as many imagined or feared it would be.. rather it has it’s own rules and limits.. but it is free of the true misery and unlimited type of deviation that can exist on Earth. Everything in Nirvana is governed by light, not the dark. Some places resemble the ordinary environments of Earth.. yet even these places have a different feel to them.. this connected magical harmonious “feeling” that is always with you.. There aren’t hidden illnesses and tragic accidents that can take it all away in a heart beat. Life here isn’t “fragile” the way it is on earth. On Earth everything is a fragile construct built over top the dark.. build around it.. The ‘material of the Earth plain is mostly “empty”. Nirvana is mostly “full”. Continuous light. In Nirvana killing a person is harder then destroying a skyscraper. Because the strongest marital in Nirvana is not the artifice of matter.. it is soul itself. On Earth.. the power of soul is felt.. but not known.. not seen.. it is hidden to us, the true extent of soul, soul on earth is quite, drives everything we do, our highest ambitions.. yet at the same time it is invisible, unseen, unheard. In Nirvana soul is stronger then matter. However there, are, those in Nirvana with the power to take life. However this is not common. There are people who dwell here who have the strength and power of skyscrapers.. mountains.. or even entire planets and stars.. hidden inside them. you would never even know they possessed this power.

In Nirvana everything is governed by soul. Not by matter. In Nirvana you live forever, time makes you more youthful rather then older. Outer space is light instead of dark. Instead of stars in the sky there are ‘soul clusters.’ Full of souls with infinite possibilities to become anything they so choose to be. Nirvana is immaterial.. and eternal. The universe is 14 billion years old. But Nirvana has no beginning or end.. it has existed for trillions of years and will exist long after the material universe has imploded and all the stars burnt out.

Another misconception.. is that Nirvana is only for the enlightened, only for those who have awakened after many trials and lifetimes on earth. The truth is that good or bad.. everyone goes to Nirvana. (this is a story, I’m not telling you what to believe)

Arriving in Nirvana should have been the end of the struggle for our heroes.. However…. a truly insidious villain.. has been waiting all along, here, in the most unlikely place, in the very heart of Nirvana itself.. Our heroes defeated many villains back in the mortal world… but this time.. they may not win.. this time.. the villain they must face…… Is God.

God goes by no name. He gives life, and he takes life. Sometimes people call him God. But those very few who know him closely.. sometimes refer to him by a different name. That name is Armas. and this is the name we come to know him by for our story.

God aka Armas.. is radiant, and he is wrathful. He generates a powerful life force, that can create planets, grow trees, he is life itself. And yet, he has a dark side. Often times Armas seems to thrive on evil itself. And this is why… our heroes prefer not to see Armas as God. They call him.. Armas the “tyrannical Angel.” But his power is unquestionable. He does things that should be impossible. He brings back those who have been dead 1000 years. He teleports across impossible distances. He knows the inner most thoughts and feelings of trillions and trillions of people across Nirvana’s vast reaches. He is physically indestructible. He radiates light like an angle.. he acts loving sometimes, and fills you with his light, yet he desires only evil.

Armas is different then other villains.. he isn’t motivated by greed or marital gain.. rather the more our heroes get to know him.. it seems his true objective is evil itself. Armas enjoys physical combat. He is a warrior God. He sometimes appears with four arms, and wields four long swords of blazing white light or fire. He summons blue and white lightning. He is almost seven feet tall.. ageless. with long white hair and blue eyes.. he is muscular.. and also enjoys fighting with his fists.

ZeatheanLyraAndArmasTrinity.JPG

Armas also enjoys creating complex insidious schemes. He enjoys playing games with people that become very psychological. He likes to hurt people yet make them think they did it to themselves. And his brutish love of combat can be a way of masking his insidious genius. Armas is proud and arrogant.. he is boastful.. yet his keeps winning and winning. When Armas inflicts damage on people.. it creates some kind of electrical feedback loop inside his body.. that makes him physically stronger. Armas is a freak.. his will to hate.. and his tolerance of pain, is so unreal.. he just keeps training, keeps becoming stronger and stronger, over countless eras of time. He is older then anyone can know, older then the mortal world. No one knows who Armas really is.. or what made him this way. And most people aren’t even aware that he exists at all. He is evil. And yet flowers bloom for him, the trees grow for him.. and the sun shines for him.. because he is God.

 

There is a secret behind Armas. It is called “the Nethertwine”, the Nethertwine is a highly complex antimatter mechanism, like a weapon, designed to harvest the energy of mass human suffering. it shouldn’t exist and yet it does, this thing.. like a giant weed, it is hidden.. yet there.. pumping dark energy, a hidden network that runs underneath Nirvana. Clutching the very heart of the tree of life. The Nethertwine, it feeds this energy to Armas himself, to make him physically indestructible. Very few people are even aware that he or the dark tendrils of the Nethertwine even exist..

Even Armas the all mighty gets bored sometimes.. and he finally decides to spend a little time just to ‘chill’ and get to know our heroes. They are a strange fun bunch, they are experienced, yet care free, and Armas feels drawn to them. The truth is, he doesn’t have many friends. He has servants, and victims, but not true friends.

Our heroes are Lyra, a confident girl who can’t stop going on adventures and pulling everyone she meets into her crazy misendeavors, Zeathean and intuitive artist guy, inventor of “party theory”, and Sivlith a mad obsessive disgruntled talented scientist who lived in hell (the demon world, the shattered world) for 1000 years. Among others. Zeathean and Lyra want nothing more then to tare Armas limb from limb.. but instead they must pal around with him and indulge in his strange games that start off friendly yet could turn sadistic at any moment. They are forced to spend as much time with him as he asks.. because he is just too powerful.. if he wanted .. he could destroy them all. As insane as he is.. as much as he deserves to die.. Armas’s strange choice to pal around and go on adventures with them gives them an opportunity to study him.. If ever there were a way to defeat him.. this is a chance to learn.. and it is buying them time. Being his friend keeps them alive. You can’t die of old age in Nirvana… yet your spirit body can be physically obliterated.. and there are many unpleasant realms of the Nirvana multiverse that Armas can banish you to.

Zeathean is a seemingly regular guy…. Yet he once fought Armas… however even Zeathean’s full dark power.. God level 3 ..the reward for his suffering on Earth… was not enough to defeat Armas. Now…. Zeathean is continually perplexed when warriors even more powerful then he is appear, and yet still, none of them can beat Armas. Yevallah the mad profit, who sought to avenge his starving village on Earth, Avon the mysterious stranger who had been condemned to live out his life with brain damage before returning to Nirvana, Valkishin the x-soul (a specific type of warrior who trains to become stronger over many life times) all of them had incredible powers.. all of them were defeated.

Armas has conquered both Heaven (Nirvana) and Earth (Melcrosis, aka Hell, aka the “Universe”)… and he is an evil older and darker then any other we have seen. Over countless generations only 502 warriors have arisen to challenge Armas in physical combat…. they were each said to be “chosen incarnations of God”, each of them was destined to destroy Armas, blessed with the sacred power of light.. and each of them was …. defeated. …..Through some strange glitch in reality.. Armas the enigma.. has outwitted us all… Our heroes Zeathean and Lyra are obsessed with uncovering the truth about Armas. Even Armas himself has confusion about who he actual is and what has made him this way. He says that he is God and always has been, yet there are suggestions that the truth is something much much stranger. There is nothing to suggest that Armas should exist, nothing to explain his power. he is an anomalie. It doesn’t make sense.

Armas actually enjoys battle and putting his on life on the line. In danger, he thrives. There may be no hope that Armas can ever be defeated. But there is something curious.. something strange.. that is revolving around an ordinary girl… a girl named Lyra. There is a prophecy… about Lyra… Lyra who plays with flowers and butterflies, Lyra who doesn’t like fighting at all. She may actually have the power to destroy Armas… She is connected to him, somehow. She has this power.. but she doesn’t know how to awaken it, how to control it. But all Lyra really wants to do with her time is to have fun. And everyone enjoys the way she makes them feel. How could someone so gentle as Lyra.. ever stand a chance against the brutal Angel Armas? Lyra isn’t just ordinary… she is goofy.. a weird, funny, silly girl who loves to have fun. Everyone loves her. But no one believes that she has anything to do with stopping Armas.

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The prophecy about Lyra came from a few places and has a strange history to it.. There is a female sage named Nobanashi who are heroes eventually come upon. She is abnormally powerful and slightly insane. Lyra has this strange power.. but she doesn’t know how to awaken it. After our heroes failed time and time again.. Nobanashi is now the only one they can turn to for advice.. but there is a strange darkness behind her power..

Nirvana is the free world and it has no need for a God. Yet God is here all the same, in the form of Armas, and he is a control freak, who brings nothing but misery to Nirvana. Silvith the eccentric dark hared dark eyed scientist has gathered all the evidence and data.. and there is nothing in any plane or dimension of reality across all the vast reaches of Nirvana to point to or suggest the existence of such a God. Nirvana has no God. According to the data Armas should not exist. And yet he is here, in proud defiance of reality itself. He is a glitch. He defies the impossible.

However there are irregularities in Sivlith’s data.. such as there are abnormally large amounts of antimatter scattered across Nirvana.. this also has no explanation and should not exist by any reason. Given the amount of time and pressure it takes to create even a small amount of antimatter.. there seems to be some link between the two.. Armas and antimatter. However this reveals no key into defeating him. Nirvana is 5% antimatter.. which is large considering how dangerous the stuff is.. according to the data Nirvana should only be .01% antimatter. Every few trillion years the negative energy has a way of getting “flushed out” of Nirvana…  but these irregularities suggest that something has been preventing this… but it would still require amounts of time that seem impossible.

 

More about the setting:

In Nirvana people refer to Earth/the Universe by a different name… here they call it “Melcrosis” aka the “antimatter cloud”. Most people don’t go near it unless they want to or unless they are taken there against their will.. because once you get near Melcrosis it sucks you in like a magnet, it pulls you rapidly across light-years, it destroys your spirit body, and binds your very soul essence to a marital form, aka what on earth we call “birth”. ………When light enters the ultra dense antimatter cloud of Melcrosis it responds by spinning at ultra fast speeds to generate a type of centrifugal force… this creates an immense energy that protects the light against the dark matter/ anti-matter surrounding it, light  responds by becoming “light-matter” aka what we call “matter”. Every atom of your body contains an immense atomic energy, this energy is explosive, smaller and stronger then you can imagine. Aka “Strong Nuclear Force.” Yet the true purpose of this intense power is unknown..

The reason that energy is there.. is there to protect against something… something we don’t even realize is there. All the strange things about being alive… about being here on earth.. it all happens because the light matter we see and know… is responding to a hidden type of matter… something all around us.. Something we think we know, yet don’t know at all…… “dark-matter.” The truth of what dark matter really is… it is chaos. Reality turned inside out. A special type of matter Armas himself may have created long ago.. to become a cage for God. Dark matter, anti-matter, dark energy, different properties.. one substance. Chaos. Light.. inside out. There are many things in Nirvana.. yet light is the building block of all things, and there is only one thing that can stop the light, and that is dark-matter. Anti-light. Anti-God.

Were are all swimming in this massive sea of a foreign, unknown type of matter. We are only aware of it “theoretically,” we call it “dark-matter.” It us it is some “far away thing”, something that is “out in space.” To us dark matter is known only by the mysterious influence it has on pushing around large scale objects without seeming to exist. Our science only knows of dark-matter by the way if fills in inconsistencies in our laws of physics. We know it only through the influence it has on light matter around it. For how else, can you know the dark?

After arriving in Nirvana our heroes learn dark matter aka anti-matter is real.. and it is the most dangerous thing in Nirvana. In Nirvana, dark matter, anti matter, can be seen, with your own eyes. It can be seen from the outside, but not from the inside, not while you are inside the could, what we call being “alive” here on Earth. …….There is some connection between Anti-matter and Armas. His weapon, his soul harvesting machine, the Nethertwine, like our Universe, is also made of antimatter.

Antimatter is scary, because it is overwhelmingly dark.. but can also be completely invisible depending on your vantage point. As an “earth being” made of “earth matter” you can’t see antimatter at all, you only know it by its influence on light. The “speed of light” is actually a limitation caused by the light slowing down as it moves through the dark matter. The true speed of light is actually unlimited. In Nirvana there is no “cosmic speed limit”. There are limits but they are different depending on what plane of reality in Nirvana you are in. Antimatter can be seen in Nirvana… (however Armas’s machine the Nethertwine is so hyper dense that it exists on a dimension that is invisible to all beings of Nirvana.)

All the strange things about being on earth, the reason we eat food, our need to breath, are need to reproduce, the intense complexity of our very cells, our DNA, all of it.. is for one thing.. one purpose.. “survival” but what is it we are surviving against.. ourselves. each other? a predator. No… there is something else.. something more driving it all. Even in the basic nature of just being alive. They thing we are surviving against. It is fundamental to this reality. Even the very atoms of the universe, they exist for survival as well.. is it not usual.. cells made of molecules.. made of atoms, made of quantum quarks.. ? there is are so many layers. These layers were created.. so light matter could protect itself.. in the early stages of the big bang. Protect against what. Against the dark. The dark that is al around us. the reason people die. The reason the sun eventually burns out. IT is all thanks.. to the dark. We do all these strange things.. without giving it a second thought.. we find explanation, and believe what the group tells us, what is in the text books from the knowledge of previous generations, but something much stranger is going on.. something obvious that we over look. When you look past the atmosphere of earth, the clouds, what primitive people saw as “heaven”, you see that is is but a thin layer to hide us from the dark. And that we are just a rock in space. Existing in this vast chaos of the void. Majority of the universe is not light. Living things, “nature” makes up less then 1% of the universe. the vast majority of our world is not life, it is dark. Why is that?

Melcrosis, aka “the Universe” is not like other dimension of Nirvana. Because Melcrosis is 95% dark energy and dark matter… and this is not true of any other part of Nirvana. Only 5% of Nirvana is comprised of dark-matter. Our Universe is an overwhelming irregularity compared to the rest of the larger reality… which is why it is often referred to from the outside as the “Inverted World”. Maybe that should be the title of the series? People who travel there are called “earth trippers” or “travelers”.

To call Melcrosis a “simulation” would not do it justice. TO call it “holographic” is close. the sun is like a projector.. projecting love and light onto us.. like a higher power.. This world, this “Earth” is floating in.. surrounded by, the dark, and yet there is something else here. something divine. Something that keeps us coming back for more. Like a flie to a lamp. This divine thing is real, it is magical. It is there in the quantum foam. it follows no rules. Entanglement. Micro-teleporatoins of electrons around the neuculeious . Things that don’t happen on the larger scale.. yet are apart of the nature of light life and Nirvana. And yet the dark matter here is always splitting it… eating away at it, limiting light, and it’s true free nature. So here on the larger scale, things follow rules and behaviors, I can only jump so high, i can only walk so far, yet this creates the illusion that this is “all there is” to life, and that this is all there ever was. There is something else here.. something magical, something that makes life worth living, and yet, it is just a feeling.

We know there are things we must to do stay alive.. to make a living. And this can be overwhelming… and make us think that we are not free. and yet.. we are free. We are made out of the same light that is existing in Nirvana. the same magic soul essence. But we are up against a challenge like no other. The interaction between light and antimatter causes light matter to behave in ways that can predict, and this is what we call “science” or “physics”, it takes our freedoms at times, these rules that life follows, yet light is not limited to these behaviors, and these behaviors off matter we see say more about the dark then they do about the light.

I wish Melcrosis was a simulation.. but it is far too real to be that. The pain can make you numb, but whatever your choose, there are real stakes, to your soul, and the souls of others. Anti-matter is impermanent. Eventually it caves in to its own pressure and flips back into the light energy or light matter it once was. However this takes a very long time. You could argue that “time” itself is the weakness of antimatter. Antimatter is on a clock. Because of this you could call the universe the “divine illusion”. It is the only reality we know. Yet it is not Nirvana.. the true reality.

There was a time when everyone believed the earth was flat. This was simply accepted as truth. Until it wasn’t. There was a time when everyone believed the Earth was the center of the solar system.. until Galileo came along with his telescope. they called him crazy, they all did. But eventually we learned that earth was not the center of the solar system, it wasn’t the center of the universe, or of the galaxy.    And now there is another question no one thought to ask.. Is our Universe at the center of “reality”. Or maybe.. what if our universe.. is specifically existing off-center.. from the rest of reality.

What if there is a center.. and that center is not here, but in Nirvana. Scientists have considered the existence of a parallel dimension… to explain the inconsistencies in our laws of physics.. the reason why gravity is weaker then it should be, things that don’t make sense, Einstein’s inability to find a “unified theory” that could explain the laws of the big, the cosmic, and the laws of the quantum, the small. What if were are looking for this theory in the wrong place, we look for the answer here, inside this place we call “the Universe”. If we consider a parallel dimension.. not many.. but just one.. one other, that is very different to our own. Maybe things would make a little more sense. This other reality, the true reality, Nirvana. not the “after-life’.. as we call it.. but simply “life”.

The reason we can’t see antimatter is because seeing it would render us blind. there is so much of it around us. It would not benefit our survival to see it. It would become like a blindfold to daily life. It is also possible that because we are made of light, we can only see and perceive other things and people that are made of light, we can’t see the dark, because we are not built to see it. Or perhaps we can’t see the dark because it is the dark, because there simply is nothing to see. The actual amount of energy in space is very small.. we are made of atoms and majority of the atom is empty space, protons neutrons electrons, only make up a very small part of the atom. everything else, empty space, yet it turns out this empty space isn’t empty, it is actually dark, full of dark matter and dark energy.

This ‘dark’ is not as natural as we think. And it has an effect on the light matter we interact with in the universe. This dark is everywhere. Yet we can’t see it because it doesn’t benefit us to see it, it would render us blind. We can only see the light because the light benefits our survival, it is our survival. Majority of space is not made of light, yet light is all we see, unless we are actually in outer-space where the darkness is literally overwhelming. Even in broad daylight, everything appears to be solid, everything appears to radiate light, and it does, but this light makes up less then 5% of the space around us. Everything we think and do is because on a reality that is only 5% of the actual reality we are in. It can help to be aware of the other 95% but at the end of the day being aware of it doesn’t benefit us that much. It’s only 5% but that is our food, our sustenance, our survival, and that’s why we have to focus on it and live for it. Yet being aware of the dark, and it’s nature, can help us to protect against it. To know that loneliness and boredom (which aren’t always considered that serious) can be lethal. That it is important to enjoy your life. to get out and have fun.

Worrying becomes a cycle because the hidden dark matter will feed off your worries. so that is why people seem to awaken this deep joy when they simply make a “choice” not to worry about things that seem worrisome. the darkness will feed of anything negative, so we make a choice not to feed it. And that is the less, that is the positive spin we put on this. The darkness is here, but we are the light, not the dark. And the darkness is invisible, it can hurt you, even if no one notices it does, so that is why it is important to take care of yourself.. and know when you are hurting, and not ignore your feelings and instincts simply based on what the majority tells you is so. You feelings inform you about the energy, the light and the dark. The energy is difficult to measure, difficult to see.

In modern society we tend to see feelings as whimsical, something you have to ignore to get the job done, “don’t get emotional”, but the feelings are the only thing that can clue us in to these invisible energies.. the matter of life is what we see and know,… but it is energy that defines our joy and success.. and mater quickly “feels hollow” when we live life just based on what we see and know, and not what we feel. The feelings aren’t just chemicals in your brain. they are electric and magnetic pulses in the organ of your heart, they have voltage, there is a field. Even Tesla believed in this. Modern understanding is overly material. We end up treating symptoms instead of causes. So much of life is about the energy.. yet energy is hard to understated.. and often fear is what drives us to understand, to know, it has to be felt, before it can be ‘known’.

If dark matter is all around us, how come we don’t see it, how come we never suspected it was even there? That is because all kinds of things that happen, behaviors of energy and matter, that we consider ordinary, are actually being influenced by dark matter. Dark matter, it is what causes things to decay over time, it is what causes organic substances to turn into toxic and the unnatural. If not for the dark matter, we would live forever. It isn’t “time” tiself that causes death and decay. but rather the byproduct of the dark matter eating away at the light. Antimatter has a time limit. And it is slowly degrading, over billions of years, closing in on us like this fist, it squeezes the light out from inside it. it is enclosing us. We are not “born” we just pass in through the wall of darkness, we don’t “die” we just slip back “out” through that same wall. Energy belongs to Nirvana, it begins and ends there, it is renewed in Nirvana. the energy of your body is trying to get back there, to the source. It doesn’t belong here, in the dark. That is the real reason why we die. There is little evidence on Earth, that Nirvana even exists.. all we can see is what is in front of us, yet it is the absence of something important that points to it’s existence. The lack of a unified theory. Things that happen yet lack explanation. (And to believe in the afterlife has brought something good back into my life, that was not there before, before when i believed only in what i could see, what was in front of me, back when i ‘felt things’ but didn’t truly embrace the strange meaning of those feelings, and still clunk to hard facts, hard science for the ultimate truth. Things in my life had been dark, and when i came to believe in the afterlife, suddenly it became better. Suddenly, everything had a purpose, a reason, i didn’t have to depend on material validation, it didn’t matter if people knew my efforts, my trials, and successes, or if they didn’t, if i was someone, or if i was no one, because in Nirvana it would all be reward, not through some god handing me material gifts or 50 virgins, but through my soul itself, in Nirvana.. my soul would be free, to feel everything and to have everything that that had been taken, the love. If began with a feeling of “there has to be something better then this” but since then.. the theory has come a long way, it has provided explanations i didn’t expect it to, and believing makes me happier.)

In Nirvana you are free to pressure whatever you desire. However this isn’t true just for the good people, this also mean people with dark intentions they were unable to fulfill on earth are now free to lust after their evil ambitions to the fullest. this doesn’t mean they won’t be met with justice. but here in lies our story. Armas is not the only villain. he is just the most powerful. yet he is so powerful that no one can even fight him. So instead our heroes indulge Armas’s offer of friendship.. and they go on to conquer powerful foes together as a team.. Armas is board.. he needs entertainment. All the why.. their true opponent… Armas… is the one right before them.. the person they talk with and laugh with right here in close proximity. One day they will find a way to beat him. In Nirvana a man like Armas, who feeds of his own pain and the pain of others, who actually enjoys suffering, he is free to act on his will to suffer without having to worry about damage to his physical body. On earth this would not be possible.

It is possible that Armas created Earth, Melcrosis, as a training ground to create stronger warriors.. so that finally he would have a true clanger.

There is a another hidden villain in the story. This villain is Melcrosis itself. Or rather… a cycle that exists between Nirvana and Melcrosis. Those who return to Nirvana after a trip to Earth are not the same as the where when they left. This much is clear to the regular people of Nirvana. A deep transformation occurs. Nirvana has everything you can ever dream of. However there is something, something intense amazing and powerful, that cannot be found in Nirvana.. that can only be found on Earth. No one would have believed it… but when the Melcrosis survives, the earth trippers, return from their journey, it is clear that they are changed, you see it in their eyes. It is what we call “true love”.

Those who return from Earth, have a new capacity to feel. They feel emotions 10 to 100 times more powerful then they did before they left. Upon return to the haven of Nirvana, the layer of mater, and the layer of antimatter are both stripped away from your spirit, and your true spirit body regrows around you. A body of continuous light. All that matter numbed and clogged your ability to feel. Now here in Nirvana you can feel everything… Everything you used to feel.. but also something new.. You feel everything that happened to you on earth. It is dark. but all that pressure… and the pain of the trials on earth, forced the soul to become stronger. The soul responds to the dark by becoming stronger. The entire time on earth, even when your body takes damage and gets old and weak, your soul just keeps getting stronger.

And it’s not just that you feel more, the soul itself becomes ultra dense… like a weapon. Like a God. And this begins to hint at the explanation for Armas’s power. Many have returned from Melcrosis with God powers. Yet Armas trounces even these people. Sivlith has not given up.. he is a scientist.. and he knows there is an explanation for everything. If ever there was a hope.. it lies with the Melcrosis survivors, the people like Zeathean Lyra and himself…

Even if they could actually win, beat Armas, and have all they dream of in life… There is still this.. This what Zeathean and Lyra fear.. this cycle between Melcrosis and Nirvana. The pain changes you, makes you want more. Will it ever end? Zeathean and Lyra… everything they do is driven by the love that is between them.. and yet.. they are aware.. that this love came from the trials of Earth.. the place they hate the most. And that eventually these feelings will fade.. weather it takes 100 years… or 1000.. the feelings of love wear off… and eventually they will be driven, to return… to willingly seek out the thing they hate the most.. Melcrosis. a life inside the void of chaos. Anything… so that they can feel that feeling again.

They will be driven back.. to seek out their own demise.. something so disgusting. And how does that make them any different from Armas? Even if they one day find a way to defeat Armas.. how can they defeat Melcrosis.. how can they defeat themselves? They want a free world. They don’t want to suffer forever. Armas manipulates traumatized people. Suffering is dangerous. In Nirvana suffering actually makes you stronger.. the soul responds by becoming stronger.. as long as love is driving you to some extent. Without it you lose the will to fight. But it also makes you insane.

Originally Armas created Melcrosis to hurt people. But because it give people stronger emotions… “true love” people actually came to enjoy it. How sadistic are we? Now billions of people were willingly traveling to earth every generation. All thanks to his evil experiment gone even more wrong. Will the cycle ever end? If people desire the aftereffect of the experience they have on Earth… they will keep returning.. to feel it again.. experience what can only be found on Earth. When you return to Nirvana after Earth.. it is like love for the first time. Everything is rewarded.. everything is forgiven.

Yet our heroes still have a job to do. There souls may be broken.. compelled to seek out pain for the enhanced feeling of love it brings them. And yet.. they still have a choice to stop things from getting worse. Armas always craves more power. And he is not done punishing. The trials of earth gave them this “true love” but should they simply lie back and allow Armas to abuse them? Armas has the power to take it all away.

They will one day have to choose.. resist the cycle to return to Melcrosis… or give in. But maybe there is something else.. a “third way” as they begin to call it. A way to give people the freedom to chose what they want. A world free from the control of Armas. The situation is dark, there souls have taken damage they cannot repair, even in Nirvana, even here, the damage remains, because it is so profound, so addictive, even after it is healed, you are compelled.. to seek it out again.. to feel that again.. that “true love”.. They are forever changed by their time on Earth. yet they have a choice, to take action, to prevent things from getting darker. To choose what they want and not let it happen to them. They way things are going now.. things could get darker.. they won’t just be living with scars.. if the punishment continues.. Zeathean or Lyra.. could become the next Armas.

What is Armas? Someone who is truly broken. Someone who lives for evil, hate and revenge. Someone who has no shame about inflicting damage on self and others, just to get high. Here in Nirvana.. where there are no physical limits on what you can do, on what you can become. Armas gets high.. High on the intensity of that raw conflict, the pressure and power that exists in the battle between light and dark. Armas is not the dark, or the light, he is the conflict between them.

the Zelda Randomizer is amazing

I’ve been playing this Zelda Randomizer recently. It really amazes me. Specifically it is “Zelda a Link to the Past”, the game from 1991. Over the last 10 or so years I have seen many amazing “Zelda hacks” and game hacks… aka fan made games that hack into the code of a classic original game and adjust it a bit … or remake it over completely. It has brought back much childhood joy. I use an emulator on my computer and plug in an “8bido” SNES controller. I can even use it to play Nintendo 64 games. I never expected a “randomizer” to be that exciting. but it really has been on of the most exciting Zelda fan games aka Zelda “hacks” I have played. They give you like 100 different characters to choice from. Like Shantae, Medley, or random anime characters, you can even play as Batman, a bomb, a treasure chest, some really goofy stuff. It randomizes items.. entrances.. and even the color of the background. It feels like having 100 new games to play. The randomizer is great. It’s what I’ve been looking for. because it gives you a new experience every time. They were very through. Even though the items are in random locations.. the game is still “beatable”. but it does get very hard sometimes.. you will need something very specific to progress the game.. and it could be anywhere. I’ve started 5 files already all of them have gotten stuck at one point, where you just can’t find the item you need, even for a pro like me who has already beaten the original version of this game like 30 times, who is obsessed with every little cave and secret room in the game. But i was able to get at least half way into most of them, it is worth it for the new experience. It gives you lots of customizable options so you take control of what you want. you can make it random.. but not too random.. hard.. but not too hard. you know.

https://alttpr.com/en/randomizer

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The problem with many of these fan games is that they are way too hard, and mostly I play for casual enjoyment. Sometimes when you are an excited fan creating your own video-game, you have time to play it over and over, and because you are the creator, it feels easier for you to beat it then it would be for someone else.. so you keep increasing the difficulty without even realizing how hard you are making it.  however that is not the case with this, because it’s just the original game on hyper randomizer overload. Often I play games for enjoyment, the goal isn’t even always to win.

I find out about most of these games through youtube. It’s really much better then the original game from 1991… which is already really good. In most Zelda games you go from one thing to the next. one quest to the next. What is innovative about Zelda is that the quest can take you anywhere on the map and you often return to places you have already been to uncover something new you couldn’t access before, it’s about exploration and adventure, it isn’t linear. (like Skyward Sword LOL!) But this is even better because you often have to keep track of like 3 different quests at the same time. I’m beating this dungeon over on the mountain.. and this one in the swamp.. and in think a cave near the village has items I need.. there isn’t a specific order the way there was before. You may have to enter a dungeon.. knowing you don’t have the items you need to beat it, but you still have to because it may have items you need to access a different dungeon on the other side of the game. It gets crazy. I opened on file and cut down a bush that had a hole underneath it. It was one of the first things i did.. and the hole dropped me down right to the final boss, Gannon. And he was like “you can’t beat me yet.” Which is kind of the way the newest Zelda game, breath of the wild, is set up. It give you a sense of freedom… anything can happen. Another time I made the choice to do this dungeon backwards because i realized it might lead to a different area of the game.. and it did.. it got me on top of the mountain, a later area, it was like the 9th dungeon, but I had to do it first, and it gave me access to the mountain from an usual angle, so I then had to use the hook shot to get onto the primary part of the mountain, thanks to the randomizer I also had this item way ahead of time, but there were other items I didn’t have. Like i didn’t have the lamp, a more basic item, so I had to explore some areas totally in the dark. It just gives you a very different expreice of a classic game.

https://alttpr.com/en/randomizer

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3 strange nightmares

I had some really strange nightmares the other night. There were 3 different ones.

 

the Entrepreneur

I was in the bathroom of my childhood home.. My friends tried to get my attention.. it was really distracting .. I was mad they interrupted me and didn’t speak to them for a long time.   A few days after that event I met this entrepreneur guy.. he was helping me do all these crazy bold things in the world to get more successful.. I was amazed by it all. Only after a while I realized I couldn’t tell if he put any value on things like “feelings” or “vibes” or friendship or me as a person .. We were water-skiing down this wild river then we both hit rocks and got injured. It’s possible that his injuries were worse then mine.. (which could imply that part of me had to die for the other part to move on.. i was injured because i got pulled in with him and his reckless ideas) And all the contacts were deleted off my phone.

 

the Advertisement

In the second dream i was watching this add on TV in one of my groups here at this kids camp I work at that is also a work training program among other things.

The add on TV was for a brand of matches. I saw two different matches being compared. And this guy was explaining how effective they were. The ad said something like “this is Tony.. he died of cancer.. but this is how he wants to be remembered.” And then the guy Tony, an older experienced kind of tough looking guy with silver hair (hard to explain, he had a distinct look, he had a kind of style or charisma about him), He lights a match .. he gets into the tent and the whole tent goes on fire. and tony says “these matches are reliable. for people who want to go with dignity.” then we went around the group and this guy here who’s name is “star” asked how we felt about the add. This is really funny if you think about it when you consider the place i work at and how “happy go lucky” it usually is. and this guy named Star. they were never be showing an ad like this. It is probably illegal to have an ad promoting suicide .. I’ve never even thought about that, but I’m sure it is. We go around the room and people are like “it is interesting” or “good” or “I think the matches were marketable”. No one was saying the obvious so i was like … “well it is very… controversial. Are they allowed to have adds like that on TV”. While i said this i was drinking a cherry vanilla flavored soda.. and i felt that the soda helped me to better articulate my thoughts about what was on the TV.

(It’s strange to think about death.. being something like a “TV” advertisement)

It’s interesting about the soda.. because recently is has been hard to go out and buy things i enjoy.. I also can’t “stock up” on things because i don’t make a lot of money.. having less to snack on makes it harder for me to find a “positive distraction” from dark unresolved contemplations or events in my present and past that come up now and then. So it feels like I can’t “see things clearly” because there isn’t enough “substantial” positive ‘stuff’ in life. Just me in a room killing time until i can go shopping again. We are all afraid to leave because of the current virus pandemic. In the dream it felt important to talk about this TV advertisement, and have an honest open discussion about it.. but many people in the room weren’t paying attention.. yet a sip of that ‘natural sugar’ soda i buy at “whole foods” seemed to clear my mind for long enough to think. It felt important that i contemplated this… yet not be consumed by it.

 

the Hackers Identity

The last dream was even more crazy.. In the dream there was this important “hacker” or criminal ‘revolutionary’ person.. he had called a meeting to his most trusted inner circle.. in the meeting he would finally reveal his true identity, which was known to no one. … people had all arrived … they waited around for an hour … then found out they all were going to be killed!   It turned out the hacker didn’t trust anyone and this had been a test.. because those he really trusted were supposed to know that he would never reveal his identity.

there were two girls and i saw it from there point of view.. one knew not to attend the meeting.. and the other did attend .. but only because she was zoning out a little and she had felt suspicious about the meeting.. and now she was mad that she was going to be killed over this.. and she said something like “you have no idea who i am” there was something the hacker didn’t know about her identity and now she was going to try and defeat him.

 

The second two dreams feel dark and I’m not sure what to do about them. But believe it or not the first dream actually gives me hope because it implies that i have put faith in the “wrong people”. Because that implies there is something i could change to impove the situation. In the dream.. I was mad at my friend over something that was really just temporary. They were trying to get a hold of me at a bad time.. but maybe i could forgive them. And it’s interesting that in the second part of that first dream the entrepreneur had me doing something that lead ‘specially’ to all the contacts being lost from my phone… aka my friends. Actually the previous day, in reality i had been getting the phone numbers of new friends, but they may have just been ‘work relationships’ and not true friends so it was not a true victory. The dream it implied i had deleted my old friends or my contact with them, which was accurate.

The third dream is a very interesting kind of metaphor for something that happen a few years ago in my life. This time where i felt unsure about my “identity” in life.. and I was hit with a difficult situation where i felt that i didn’t make the right choice because i was distracted.. not totally centered in myself.. so i caved into the pressure of others just to appease them and make the additional the stress they were creating go away.

….The two girls in the dream where in contact with each other by cell phone.. but they had each made different choices. One attended the meeting but felt suspicious about it. the other made the right choice to simply not attend, but she was more of a ‘background’ character. It reminds me of myself… ‘I’ was much like the girl who ‘had’ attended the meeting.. and the other girl was the me I ‘could have’ been… who made the right choice not to get ‘suckered in’ by some kind of group pressure.

I knew i was capable of making the right choice.. even back then.. but this confusion about my “identity” in the world.. had caused me to do all kinds of reckless things back then… and i never realized i might later regret those things. Back then life was all about how “fearless” i could be, to help me get in touch with my true self. That seemed to effect how i made choices. I didn’t make choices thinking about my “physical health” in great detail. I was “spiritual” i had “transcend” the physical… back then. I ended up getting this major dental operation that i knew i didn’t need just so my family would stop worrying about it, to prove to them that i was afraid of nothing. I didn’t do it for myself. And that was hard to accept. Looking back it seemed so random and not helpful to my quest.

The thing about the last dream is that the “hacker” reminds me about how i feel about “God”…. Like if i switch the word “hacker” with God… “God” was going to reveal his “identity”…. if i went face to face with this scary thing… the dental operation my family was pressuring me into… If i got past this … i would once again have time to finish my spiritual quest.. with the distractions of a worrying mother. And maybe facing this fear would even help me. The world would see that I was afraid of nothing. I would then be put in touch with my “destiny” aka the hacker from the dream, what you might even call God… yet it was only to find out that i had been suckered in… to some scheme that had nothing to do with anything.

Now i had this major operation done that added nothing to my life.. that i would always regret… and the best parts of me would be found only after learning to let go of the feeling that created in me… Like the hacker.. God reveals his identity to no one… This all happened at a time when i had been unsure about my “identity” yet my identity had never been lost. I was struggling with external challenges.. and my identity got confused in them.

There are two important people in the dream. the hacker.. and the girl. the girl says “you have no idea who i am”. because she is angry. yet this is also a statement about identity. they got into a trap because they desired to know the identity of the famous hacker.. to have this honor of becoming closer to the enigma of his success. but maybe this isn’t the end of the girls story. towards the end of the dream the girl began shape shifting into other people. Maybe she is limiting herself by trying to be a “hacker”. Maybe she is something else entirely.

 

the truth is

the “real life of Zwiebel”

The truth is I have a lot I want to do for the world. I have more posts to write… more books to write.. and other things in my physical reality.. but life has been really hard these last five years. ….It’s a long story. The story of it all, what happened to me, it is totally wild actually. And a bit dark. I’ve been through a lot. And i have leaned a lot from it. The truth is I am reaching out.. and if you would like to donate to my cause please consider doing so hear. My life has plenty of moral and emotional support.. but in terms of food money and a future place to live.. it is very little. Though I feel I will be valuable to share my story even with those who can’t donate.. because haven’t really had the opportunity to share the true story of it all with many people. You can read more about my story here. I am hoping to share even more in the near future about me, about the “real life of Zwiebel” as I call it sometimes. (My last name.) I have a lot of physical problems but have been struggling for years to get a proper diagnosis.. and life has often pursed my way over the limit with expectations. I’ve been struggling to afford basic needs for a long time.. it’s forced me to say in chaotic living situations that my mom was willing to pay for… where i don’t feel i was treated respectfully… I was treated according to her wishes and hopes for me. The law was never broken… but things have not been ok with my money and living situations for a long time. there has been a subtle improvement in the last few months after a complex negotiation to get out of a chaotic living situation. I’m struggling to make money to get enough food. And to really do the things in life that ‘give me energy’ and let me contribute something meaningful to the world. I spend a lot of time conserving food because i make 20$ less a week then i need for food. I only make 50% a week right now because most of the money goes into housing. Please consider donating to my cause so i can have time to produce more meaningful content. I would also say you could consider buying my book… however some kind of glitch has been preventing the money from going to my card for about the last year. that is frustrating. I have tried to get on government disability money and foods stamps but it has been a far more complicated process then i even feared. at one point i was making progress but had to move to a different state and then start over. In New York the phone calls are just automated.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/8ayqm-healthy-life

This is an excerpt from part of my recent “life story” of ordeals I have included on the “go fund me” page. I tried to keep it a bit interesting. it really is a wild story. Also i hope that my opinions about mental illness don’t come off as offensive… I can understand that if you find mental illness to be a helpful concept… if you have a diagnosis that has lended ‘clarity’ to your life… you deserve anything that has benefited you personally, I know people who feel their diagnosis has helped them explain behaviors or why they couldn’t connect with people as easily… I was diagnosed with something as a child and found it to be very unhelpful, not quite true, and simply straight up depressing. Just all together unnecessary.. and I felt this over the top childhood diagnosis it hurt many of my relationships growing up at a time when i still had much to learn about simply enjoying the company of people… this race to diagnoses people with “mental illness.”. i see it a lot in the world, particularly with my generation and younger being those largely getting diagnosed… and it’s not something I’m fond of. still it is ok if you have a mental dismiss you have personally found to be helpful in your life, a diagnosis that was helpful at explaining things or improving your situation.

Also given challenges in my life even when i have time to write I have no time to prof read, correct typos.. that is why i often release writing with lots of typos.. thank you for so many who are understanding.. the typos are a symptom of the ongoing chaos in my physical life, body issues and chaotic reality.. and not because i don’t ‘value’ the art of writing and communicating to people.

“I used to imagine that one day i would give a Ted talk, speak publicly about subjects, like the epic of over-diagnosis of mental illness and out it effects how we feels about ourselves and other people. The side effects of medications.. weight gain.. and the physiological manipulation aka ‘peer pressure’ behind it all ironically reinforced by people who are supposed to be the designated “psychiatry” experts. It’s crazy how powerless I became.. despite having so many important things to share. Things the world needed to hear. It was even harder to accept my situation when i knew i wasn’t the only one suffering. I had come out of a childhood misdiagnosis that had impacted all my relationships… and i had so much to say and offer.. and yet now so many others would be left… thinking they were “ill” that they were simply “wrong in the brain” when this concept had never been based on since.. Mental illness.. it was a business. This fascination with the mind.. and hunting for problems in the ‘brain matter’ seemed to distract from understanding the physical and emotional realities of the world within us, and simply understanding my own feelings about life. In the race to make a “mental diagnosis” you might overlook a physical problem.. or emotional conflict the child has.. Also many of these “child mental illness” can be a way of scapegoating communication or social issues in the entire family, making these family social emotional connection troubles about the physical ‘brain matter’ of the child creates a complex trauma in the child’s mind that can multiply on top of emotional troubles that may already exist in the family. You have a ‘shy’ child that now believes they have a physical synaptic connection error in their brain that can make them feel even more alienated.. even more likely to give up on connecting with their peers. The diagnosis itself can compound upon fear or even cause a kind of ‘mental inferiority complex’ where one may not have existed before. that word, ‘complex’ really says it all. the whole thing is very complex. When the feelings underneath it can be very simple… and I’ve learned over the years that the feelings are what connect me to people.. not all that complex mental stuff. When you are used to suffering… feeling life can feel almost too easy.. almost too simple.”

Mass diagnosis of mental illness can also be a way of scapegoating issues in society itself.. America and our value’s as a society. Many mental illness and learning disabilities have a flip side to them such as.. “if it wasn’t for this you would be “smarter”” “if it wasn’t for this you would be more productive” “more attentive at school” “more productive at work” “more profitable for society” “this diagnosis will help you to get back on track.. to become a smarter and more productive individual of society” “this diagnosis will help you address your “challenges” so you can self-improve your way to a more “successful” life.” We get into this rut of thinking we are ‘inherently’ wrong or bad. and that with lots of devotion to ‘self-improvement’ the world will love us more. We don’t take a lot of time to ‘appreciate’ the good that already is right here inside ourselves. they good we feel as children. it gets pushed out of the way so we can be more “positive” all the time.. so we can “aim higher”. Joy.. i don’t have time for that. I have “goals” to accomplish. It feels scary when people who are “there to help” only want to talk about your long term bigger ambitions and creative goals when you don’t even make enough money to eat properly. When you are designing between food and toilet paper. lets “get off this negative stuff” they will say. “It can’t really be that bad because if it was.. somebody would have done something about it right?” “Why is this important now? You’re probably just worrying too much. You’re worrying too much… it will all work out… later.”

It’s not just the problem that is wrong.. but the solution and the objective are also wrong. There are two sides to every story. It’s taken me many years to get out of that mind set.. so many people wanted me to become smarter and more productive.. and i wasn’t even fully aware of what had been driven me all that time… It took me a long time to realize that those values were hollow.. that the illness they diagnosed me with probably never existed to begin with… most of it was just the trauma and the aftershock of the childhood limes disease i had… They convince you at a young age you have “a life long problem” and will need medication for the rest of your life. and this is very profitable for the pharmaceutical companies… and for the very large amount of therapy and personal social workers my mom was willing to pay for.. all in serves of this problem that never actually existed.. that went away the moment i was around my genuine friends.. when my heart was ‘in it’ Over the years I’ve learned to say not “how can i be a more productive person” rather “how can i be a more loving person” “how can i better honer and appreciate the goodness that is already inside me and already around me”

… There has been a growing amount of proof that much of what we call “mental illness” is not scientific. Even though the behaviors are real.. it doesn’t mean that there is a physical synaptic error or what they call a “chemical imbalance” in the mind. there is no evidence of this what so ever. And companies are far too eager to sell lots of medications to fix this supposed physical synaptic chemical balance problem when the medications have so many harmful side effects (and they admit the chemical imbalance doesn’t explain anything and many of the causes of supposed mental illnesses that are so frequently diagnosed across huge groups involved lots of unknown complex factors in the brain).. and a simply placebo would be far less harmful. There are even Ted talks about it. But corporations are powerful. For a long time I had been protected from it. I had options.. to think for myself. to not take meds in whatever context they were being offered.. As I’ve gotten a little older I’ve quickly become aware of something not feeling quite right.. the way in which capitalism really is a powerful force in the world. It’s sad that corporations can become very powerful and wealthy .. and present themselves like heroes.. having your best interests at heart… and have that not be the case.. to have pills forced into your body even when you’ve clearly said many times that it is causing you physical pain and severe problems. These corporations care about “you” and “your health”. I see it in so many categories of life. How we are supposed to be this “democracy” yet big business his this psychological effect and influence on majority opinion… who gets elected… what we think of as right and wrong.. it’s scary when large amounts of money are behind something that is supposed to be about human health or well being. But what’s more scary is the way that unless you are really suffering.. you don’t even seem to notice that anything is wrong in the system. Some people are never given a chance .We are a democracy yet we keep electing people who’ve always been rich and related to other rich people.. people groomed for success… Profit is often behind what we think of as “success” and even though it is hollow it has a way of pushing aside our more basic needs… but we don’t see it because it’s so all pervasive. “I work this job every day because I am “responsible” “because i am “good””. Big companies provide so many jobs. The jobs are often provided by people who value profit. Not people, or a system that values love, things like “community values”, kindness, well being, physical health and longevity, etc. We tend to value thing like “productivity” and “pushing the limit” in America, even at the expensive of health. We are valued for being productive, for some large quantity of our physical or verbal contribution, and not for our health and the actual way we make people feel. “being productive” “staying motivated” It all sounds very inspirational.. and that’s what’s so confusing about it all..  it can become rather hollow… you have a very “productive” day.. and yet.. something is still missing. Because life never needed to be so hard. …We grow up learning to make it hard. The system is set up that way. There are lots of gray areas. But i have to speak my mind. Everything is all well and good when you are on the “right side” of it.. and then suddenly.. bam, you get injured.. something happens… but you don’t have a “diagnosis” suddenly you can’t afford to do anything. The system has no place for you. You get treated like a villain just for being disabled. “Stop being unmotivated”. If you were “motivated” and “responsible” you would push through this and get back to work. I knew I had a responsibility to my own health.. but day after day.. that didn’t seem to matter. To have your body give out and be in so much pain.. yet people around you keep pushing you do to thinks… and even after you’ve burnt out completely… the pushing still continues. I’ve found the concept of “motivation” to be a scary thing at times… like an excuse to ignore our own human well being. “something isn’t right in my life… but i put in a lot of work.. people value me for my effort and drive.. so at the end of the day i know i am valued.. so i won’t worry about the burn out and emptiness i feel because i know it is for the ‘greater good'” but is just ignoring that ‘feeling’ that ‘whisper of the soul’ actually right. Keeping up with society can be very difficult.. so it feels like this amazing success to overcome the hurdles and thrive at your job.. to make money… but it still doesn’t answer a more basic question.. is this job we are doing.. right? as in right for the world ourselves and each other. Most of us can’t ask this question because we are lucky to get a job at all. Yet that doesn’t mean we should give up all togather on asking the question, is this right? I know that my job in no way utilizes my full capabilities and value as a person or value to society.. but that doesn’t’ mean i can’t use my spare time to do something meaningful. It just feels scary that I’ve met a lot of people who felt what they were doing was right just because they were getting paid to do it. Like it was right to force people to take medication against their will because it was “for their own good”. You can have a hard and challenging job.. but that doesn’t actually mean it is right. Sometimes a challenging activity can actually be wrong for the world. I often hear people say the phrase “challenge yourself”. Yet I’ve seen it get taken pretty far out of context. It’s very deceptive when “challenge” can feel meaningful.. yet not actually make life more rewarding. For me one of the most profound and challenging things in my life was to actually let go of this idea that life was supposed to be “challenging”. You get so used to “feeling the burn” “pushing the limit” “finding your edge” that you forget that your purpose in life is supposed to be deeply enjoyable… In truth … my most powerful healer .. has been joy. It was strange.. how for years the strength of my motivation and drive to succeed had actually taken me away from “joy” … It was hard to accept that all that time i had been wrong.. when my body finally “crashed” it became obvious to me.. i was causing my own suffering… and i never needed to suffer. And yet there were still those in my life who after all this felt i should continue on just as i had. It was like this strange secret inside me.. I realized that i didn’t have to suffer to become a stronger person.. and people found it strange or even frustrating how I could appear be so lazy in my new philosophy on life, just ‘hanging around’ so much of the time, not seemly doing anything in particular.. yet be so creatively prolific and also perspective about things, emotions, situations, others didn’t seem to notice. I remember my friend saying “it’s really funny they way you notice things about the situation and turn it into humor.” and i said “sorry.. your mistaken.. I don’t read social situations.. I’m autistic” It became like this on going joke. At one point this girl was basically asking my out.. and my friend is grinning at me and i am like “Sorry.. I don’t know what your saying right now.. I can’t read social cues.” I think sometimes the after effects of major physical illness or injuries.. or even simply something like “emotional trauma” is often mistaken for “autism” and diagnosed prematurely. Rather there is almost some kind of hunger or panic to know the problem that never needed to be known. A temporary physical and emotional trauma becomes a life long mental problem. i see it so often in myself and people around me it has become like this joke almost only me and a few of my close friends can get. The joke isn’t to make fun of autistic people or people anywhere on the spectrum.. but rather to make fun of society itself and it’s constant need to make everything mental.. to diagnose illness.. and the kind of underlying sadness of looking for problems and solutions in the wrong places. Any time I’m watching a financial series on TV and a character gets injured in a fight or gets physically ill and they are not having a quick recovery I’m like “I think ti’s time that we inform them that they are “on the spectrum.” they need to know that we ..care.. about their… recovery.” It’s kind of funny to think about bat-man getting injured in a fight.. like more then usual.. like something internal that involves a strange poison.. it takes a few months to ‘flush it out’.. during this time bat-man is becoming more reclusive.. and then a concerned friend calls a doctor.. and helps batman out by giving him a diagnosis of “High Functioning Autism” that then goes on to effect the rest of his life. The autism pills help bat man to cure the autism.. but slow don’t his reaction time in combat. it sounds funny.. but stuff like this is happening more often then you would care to know. Bat man is able to flush out the poison.. but now it takes him another ten years to convince the doctors that he is not autistic because they have already made up there minds.. and during this time he develops and insecurity complex… he he is in fact autistic because the poison has tainted his brain… it’s just a kind of paranoia.. but the situation went on for too long.. it got traumatic and now bat man isn’t sure what is real and what isn’t. but his friends are hear to help.. and he gets lots of therapy to help with his autism. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with being autistic.. yet because Bat Man doesn’t have the symptoms of autism he doesn’t want it to become common for his friends and associates to think he is autistic and to treat him differently. And yet because so many people catch the word about batman’s autism.. he is treated differently.. and it adds to the paranoia that he has in fact become something different and less then other people. The poison is gone from his body now.. yet people treat him like it is still there.. so he starts to internalize that it is in fact still there. People slow down the meetings so “bat man” can understand. Even though he is still bat man for the most part at night. During the day.. his friends treat him like he is ‘slow’ in the mind. At night his instincts kick in and he goes back to fighting crime… yet in the light of day.. he start to fear he has become socially inept. He makes up for this by continuing to do what makes him feel confident… fighting crime.. yet the more time he spends doing this.. it only continues to make him feel unconfident when he is simply in the company of friends and other people socially. It doesn’t’ make an sense.. given how skilled and capable he is.. but something just ‘tenses’ up when he is around people. But a life time of talk therapy and pills are what the doctor prescribed.. and bat man is committed now.

on the one hand it’s a joke.. yet it’s also a way I keep pointing out societies constant need to ‘mentalize’ physical and emotional changes of life. And to make temporary problems permanent illness. Because if we can ‘mentliaze’ it we can ‘know’ it, we can ‘solve it’ .. yet the physical rleity gets blocked out. It’s “all in your mind” as they might say. Really the mind is just a simulation. yet saying it is all in the mind makes us feel like we are in control. it’s like one of those “truthful statements” that is constantly being taken out of context. “I’m poor.. I don’t have a good plan for my future. I have an undiagnosed medical condition” … “don’t worry.. it’s all in your mind.”

My intention was never to be “lazy” .. yet it became more clear to me that society was actually demonizing what i now found to be  essential success traits. Sometimes a lazy day can be protective… but then we stop showing our “lazy” side to others because we don’t want to feel shamed or insulted. we don’t want to get caught not being productive. And yet this shame and fear of peer invalidation effects how we ‘follow our feelings’ and our ability to make creative choices. I realized all my life i had been doing things because of some kind of ‘mass social influence’ not wanting to let people down.. not wanting to be called lazy. Finally i was just lazy.. and that was ok.  (just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it is good for the world)

It’s scary when the world wants to make you smarter and more productive .. yet doesn’t seem concerned about your more basic needs. I’ve seen other people who are supposedly “autistic” yet i can see how like me they are stuck in a state of perpetual panic and mental solutions that disembody them from their feelings and heart center. the flow of energy between people. People are labeled as “autistic” or a variety of other illness such as “add” or “bipolar”, that often consist of ordinary behaviors, often learned through family relationships… given labels because they are not attentive enough at school…, school which prioritizes intelligence, over emotions and social relationships, once again “brain” over “heart”. Autistic people learn to be very intelligent to supposedly do what society wants.. yet their challenges are noting more then a symptom of society itself. And unlike me many people will never have the opportunity to “come down” out of the panic, out of the elevated state that involves thinking you need to be better or smarter then you are all the time. Never able to come down out of the trauma of it all. The ongoing emotional trauma of feeling disconnected from the meaningful relationships in life. Because there lives are simply too busy… and frequent business is valued in society. I find that so many cases of what we call “autism” are ‘learned behavior’ from the values of society around us. What we externalize or scapegoat as “child illness” it is inherent in the larger system. Yet doctors are quick to drug up children.. and it is very profitable. But even as a good person… it is hard to fight the system… for many it is easier to simply nod an go along with it. I know many good people who could do nothing to stop it. I see others struggling socially like once did and if i had a more stable home and financial life… I would be able to help them from a place of strength.. and enjoy doing it…”

https://www.gofundme.com/f/8ayqm-healthy-life

I’ve tried a variety of ways to make a little extra money that doesn’t include working additional hours of some kind of strenuous time consuming menial labor… nothing that would be hard for me a person likely to burn out… Even just something that would generate a few extra dollars every week or so. I’ve looked for ways to ‘innovate’ a little, around this concept of making money, getting creative with ways to bring in a few extra bucks. and i have been surprisingly unsuccessful. I’ve tried about five different methods of making money online… and am surprised to have turned 0$ after a few months. technically i made 2$ on a questing website… but i found it was not a reliable way of making money… the amount of time it took didn’t make it worth while for a few dollars. But i still had fun in the process. And there is still more to try out. But any help would be seriously appreciated. There is a possibility that in a few months i will be able to get on food stamps. But help until then would make a difference.

 

Around seven years ago i was culminating on a much bigger vision of what i wanted to do for the world. I was very spiritual and still am. I was learning so many things… and had significantly shifted out of the shy person i used to be who always felt ‘cut off’ from the relationships in my life. I never really told anyone… but i had learned so many profound things.. things had held me back.. and yet no one had really stepped forward in my life to illuminate silly things i was doing that were holding me back. Like being too self critical. Thinking i needed a “big transformation” or that socializing hat to be difficult. The irony is most of my life i was trying way to hard in regards to people.. and that was why i was getting less results.. i was conditioned over and over to think that socializing was supposed to be difficult.. it has to be easy.. that is the only way it can be. if it feels difficult then you aren’t doing it write. you are not in the animal of your body, you are out of the emotions and into the mind.. as society told me to be. I was making obvious mistakes.. but society was telling me to go right on ahead.. just keep trying harder.. the problem is “you are not motivated enough” so “try harder” like “try way harder.” that was the advice i was consistently getting. It was a total mindfuck. The advice society gave me kept me in constant burn out.. in a delusion where simply socializing with people was way harder then it needed to be. There were always more solutions for me to try … and it just feed into the illusion that a problem had ever existed in the first place.. it all kept me ‘feelin’ the problems.. and using my mind to fix them. It kept me insecure. in a lie. Making friends was so much easier the the world made it to be. It feels like I could write a whole article on the advice society gave me and how it kept me spinning in the nonsense. You also seem to hear a lot about how things like fun and relaxation are basically “laziness” and how you should be accomplishing something … all the time. It is a scary kind of validation seeking type thing.. and it’s long sense been forgotten where it actually came from.. that it isn’t acutely helping. It often felt like my passions were silly or a distraction from reality. Liking girls.. that’s a “fantasy” stop that. Writing books.. that’s not “real” .. stop talking about that.

It felt like some of the adult figures in my life were often looking for an “error in my brain” to try and explain why i  had felt cut off from people growing up. what i had a hard time meeting women.. mainly. And in my own mind.. it was like a meta-version of the same thing.. I was often looking for the “error” i was making in my thought process. What none of them seemed to realize.. what that i had already amalgamated the best of their advice and was applying it to myself.. trying to find what i was doing wrong..how i could improve.. what skills i could implement.. but it was all in vain. it was a complex. it wasn’t real. The fear.. put in to me from the outside.. it became me. Society had conditioned me to be like this. and it took me until i was 25… i remember it so well. when i finally became to notice that the whole thing was type of “complex”. It was really emotional.. even more then it was mental. and the irony of it all want that nothing was ever “wrong” and a part of me had always known that. It felt so profound and important. And i could see it now more clearly that many people around me were struggling … people my age.. having a hard time ‘feeling connected’ to people, just as i had for so long.  When you feel like it is constantly difficult to have deep meaningful connections with people… when you around new people and it feels scary for some reason… like they could be judging you…. this is a kind of panic response.. but i never noticed it was there.. that i had this hidden panic response that was actually what had been cutting me off from deeper connections the whole time… there had never really been anything wrong with my ‘skills’ or my ‘tactics’ or my ‘talking points’… there was this far more important thing underneath it all…. that i often ‘felt empty’ with my home life… and when i felt i liked a group of people.. i would still shy away from them… choosing to continue to go home and feel empty inside… but the thing getting in my way was this panic response… that only happened when i was around groups of people i liked… in those moments when i ‘felt’ meaningful connection was possible… part of my would stiffen up… and start employing all these ‘social tactics’. I had never truly relaxed around a group of people.. so i didn’t know what that felt like.. it can really feel magical.. it is magical in a way. And i could see now that people around me were like me… it was hard to get out of that “fight or flight” mode… that panic, stiffen up, go blank, mode. I would go blank around people often.. yet it was only because i placed so much emphasis on the words… All this heart energy gets funneled up into the mind…. I was spending energy reaching for something i never needed to begin with. for all this time. it’s scary… how normal it is.. to spend your entire life time doing stuff like this. to use words like badges of justification to give people an excuse to like you. like other people in my family had… I never needed it… because humans are social as a species.. it gets complicated when we “think” we are not good at being social. yet we rely on the kind of energy feedback loop we get from each other. it is a source of life. yet it is not there to be earned and proven worth of. it is just there to be enjoyed. and it took me so long to notice this basic fact. that i could simply “enjoy” being around people… and that was all it took… that was the most fundamental thing. for 20 years what i had devoted so much time to improving (social skills, talking to women, writing long complex fantasy novels to ‘get famous’ because that might help me get a hot girlfriend lol)… what i had thought was a “strategic” problem… had been an emotional trauma. It feels traumatic when you are consonantly afraid you can’t have deep meaningful connections in your life. and that’s just what it is. it is about relationship. it isn’t about you. you think it is. it is about something much bigger. relationships is bigger then the neurons in your brain. it isn’t your fault if your body is frozen in a fear response. but you have the power to change it.. but that means knowing it isn’t your fault.

being stuck in “fight or flight” isn’t a problem in your brain. it’s not a mental illness. it’s a deep primal nervous system response. you can teach your body to calm down in situations where it becomes tense and your mind scatters. It is scary.. like loosing your identity.. but you can learn that you don’t actually need to do a thing. You don’t need drugs and psycho therapy. you don’t need an endless stream of “permanent” brain illnesses diagnosed in the minds of 12 year olds to shape there thinking for life. it’s not your fault it happens.. but you can change it.. but changing it mean’s recognize that it isn’t your fault. it is a choice or a mistake you consciously made. it was there in you from the beginning. or at least it is like this for many of us. Society covers a large group and calls them “mentally ill” and this creates the impression that everyone else is normal.. so we try harder and harder to be like those normal people.. following to some extent the advice they give us.. to the extent that it applies to us. Feeling disconnected has to do with how you are raised.. it’s a whole family dynamic.. and really a dynamic in the lager society. it isn’t an illness in your mind. When the illness is identified.. it creates a decoy.. a symptom.. a straw man.. that keeps us focused inwards.. distracted from what we want. to simply know that we are “already awesome” and free to speak about our passions with others.. play by our own rules.. and go directly for the results we want.

when it continues on like that. when you talk to people.. yet always feel afraid that it isn’t genuine. often it is there right from the beginning. because really so much energy comes from human connection. I sued to think ‘genuine’ connection meant talking about a deep subject for an extensive period of time… yet it’s funny how little it can take… just eye contact and a few simple and jokes now and then, told for my own enjoyment as much as the joy of others.. making observations about the feelings of other people around me… or events around me.. humor in the little things… and you can feel very connected… it has so much more to do with how people make you feel.. and how you make yourself feel, how what you think about and value makes you feel moment by moment.. then how many words were spoken or even what was said. But something tricked me.. right from the beginning…. i grew up learning how important it was to be smart and successful.. and i always felt afraid to have a conversation without demonstrating that i could be both… all that time it had distracted me from the truth. People don’t want “successful smart productive” friends who make them feel tense or uneasy because they are so good at life it hurts. Those aren’t the most primary qualities we look for in a friend.. or in anyone really. People want to be happy. But sometimes we don’t even know that ourselves.

There were never synaptic errors in my minds.. mental illness. learning disabilities.. i never made sense.. but it took most of my life to truly understand why. the thing that disconnected me form people was never more then a “fight or flight” response.. one that was to deep and intrinsic to my way of life.. i never thought to question that it was there.. until i began hearing more about “trauma therapy” and getting what that was just from randomly being around people who were talking about it.

I never noticed the “fight or flight or freeze” response because it was unconscious and it only happened in specific situations.. around large groups of people, new people, or people I perceived as popular… it was less likely to happen with people i knew.. yet it would happen more in “higher energy” situations.. but it would just leave me thinking i was “stupid” not knowing the acutely reason i “froze” up. School conditions you to think like this. “I must just not have been smart enough.” That is why i am not being validate here. i need to be getting a better grade in this social interaction (subconsciously). Maybe i really do have a “brain illness”. Both of these things take you into your mind.. thinking you need to be smarter.. thinking you might have a hard wired synaptic illness.. It keeps you thinking.. and kept me distracted from noticing how i was actually feeling.. it kept my body very stiff.. society keeps you thinking.. and that actually makes it more likely for people to precise you as “autistic” or some other form of “mentally ill” … even through the values of society itself are causing this behavior. The pressure to be smarter.. causing you to you to respond and tackle the disconnected feeling in this manner.

Back then i didn’t notice that much how i ‘felt’ around people.. and a rarely took the time to actually ‘enjoy’ the company of people when i was in new situations… I wanted to know what people were thinking, i wanted to be able to speak more, to follow the complexity of it all.. yet that just felt so complicated. In group situations… i would freeze up.. and not even know what was happening. i didn’t know it was fear. because the fear was so old.. it had always been there… from birth. It was fear.. but also with misguided values placed over-top the fear. i was focusing everything on the words, the dialogue between people, and nothing on the feelings.. what do others actually want? what do i actually want? There was this stiffness. this fear inside me. yet i didn’t identify it as an emotion. and to not have it be there any more… was profound. If you had asked me back then if i was afraid around people… i never would have said so. I never felt afraid.. because i couldn’t feel my own emotions. I had been rendered so stiff. Now everything was shifting. and this felt so profound.. I felt that i might become some type of guru… simply because everyone needed to know about this… the way i had been living life up until this point felt so backwards. Its hard to be struggling so much with both food money, finding long term housing, in addition to physical disabilities… not being able to get help or a diagnosis for that. Everyone in my life thinks it is someone else’s job to help with that stuff.. they help me within the boundaries of what their job position allows. When the doctor can’t help you.. it falls on you to be your own doctor. and I’ve got myself out of many difficult salutations.. and brought vitality back into my life when for months i was paralyzed in bed. So much of it had to do with subtle body awareness. maybe i don’t need to be a guru. but often feel there is more i can do to give back. but it has to involve a more stable income.

 

 

Shouting at Flowers

This post is about how to make flowers grow faster by reading motivational speeches to them, understanding how to apply the right amount of guilt and punishment, and ‘encouraging’ them to be more responsible and less lazy.          Ok lets be real.

The heart is like a flower. You can’t make a flower grow faster by shouting motivational speeches at it (basically human society in a nutshell), or by giving the flower discipline and punishment for its ‘misdeeds’ of inherently existing in this reality. Pointing out the flowers flaws and telling it to take a good long constructively critical look at itself.

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I am thinking about the concept of ‘watering the good seeds’ in my life. Like a garden! lol. Noticing what observations were the ‘most helpful’. And just noticing them and feeling good about it. the feeling helps me remember that things are safe and good. It is a habit to go into my mind for answers instead of trusting the feeling to remember what is important. the heart knows things. it has a knowledge to it. and it learns things, all the time, even when the brain isn’t thinking.

We humans think we are so different and superior from other animals. that our intelligence makes us different and above them, alienated from them. yet at core we are very similar. we are bonded to the same primal physical needs plants and animals have. we need the light, the out doors, the social connection, food and water. nourishment. kindness. trees aren’t giving motivational seminars to other trees about how to “evict their inner wussy.” we people are a lot like trees. If you aren’t in the sunlight, you grow in funny, you tend to accumulate a lot of doubts and worries and feel empty inside. it’s not your fault that you weren’t put in the sunlight. but people will judge you harshly as though this was your personal failure. Yet as a human we do have the option to pick ourselves up and re-plant ourselves in the sunlight. for a time i moved to California. because i realized i didn’t need to suffer any more, because i genially felt happier in the sunshine and heat and i could tell the people there felt happier too, like a multiplying effect. we don’t always have that choice to move to California. i had to move back. but we can still choose to spend more time ‘in the light’ in the places that make us feel good. don’t blame yourself for the bad things so much. no one ever ‘wants’ to be bad. think about what you need and how to bring more of it into your life.

I had this dream where one or two people I know who i think of as being ‘anxious’ kept coming by and removing things from my bead room or living room. In the first part my best friend kept purchasing potted plants and putting them in his living room. Then the anxious person would come by the ‘clean up’ there was a ‘busyness’ about it. They would remove the potted plant by some kind of misunderstanding that they were doing us a service, when in fact my friend just bought that and wanted it there. “She keeps taking my plants. this keeps happening.” he said. During the dream i wasn’t really aware that the person taking the plants was anxiety driven. during the dream i figured she had some kind of reason for doing it. In the next part of the dream i kept making drawing on big pads of paper like i had wanted too for some time. the drawings were turning out pretty well but this person came by and removing them for some reason. in the dream the  people were people much older then me, so they were like role models, i would figure that what they were doing was for an important purpose, like they were taking the plants and the art for some kind of important reason. Another layer to the psychology of it all. When in fact the people taking the plants were driven by anxiety and i didn’t make that observation until after i woke up.

Looking back on it after i woke up: These were people I identified a part of myself in them. the dream was about me and not them. but i won’t say that ‘all dreams are about you’, some dreams are very much about your relationships to society or other people or the events of the day. it’s not all your goddamn fault! the kind of negative self focus is a problem in society. this relentless self improvement effort. it become like a loop. trying harder. going nowhere. I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I realized that when i got anxious i would start ‘problem solving’ in my mind, and that emotion and the thinking about it would effectively ‘remove’ positive observations i had already made in the previous days our hours. it was like going backwards, even though it felt like i was ‘being productive’ and ‘problem solving’, i was getting caught in the fear, removing positive emotions, forgetting to notice the good things i and improvements i had already made in the previous day. The anxious people were my anxious thoughts and feelings. the ‘cleaning up’ the ‘problem solving’ / ‘being productive’ was actually removing the flowers, the fruits of the previous day.

I have to water those positive seeds, those good observations about what is going right. to get out of the fear. to grow the good things in life. so those positive observations can seep down into my heart, and i can more forward in life as a choice my emotions have made, and not as a choice my brain is forcing me to do. My brain is sort of like my mom ‘forcing’ me to be more social. I’m noticing even when i force myself to do things all the time, the things i should ‘want’ to do, it seems like courage, but just becomes another kind of stress loop. stress under the guise of courage. you should force yourself to be with people all the time. you shouldn’t force yourself to have fun. at some point you have to be honest, i -want- to have fun, i -want- to feel connected to people. the wanting is a more powerful emotion. but the fear and the worry makes us afraid to just relax and want. sometimes relaxing is scary. because when we relax we notice more. our perception expands, we notice all kinds of scary things we weren’t even aware of when we were in the stress mode, busying though life on autopilot, when we really take a moment to relax and remember what that feels like in the heart, we notice more, the good and the bad and that in itself becomes scary. so we jump back up into the mind. not even noticing the reason why, and forgetting that we ever even found away into that better stronger state of being.

The anxious people in my dream were (like) my thoughts. it came from something real, something ‘out there’ that started right from the beginning perhaps, in the early years of growing up, and shaped something ‘in here’ in me. even though the thoughts were anxiety driven. I took them for something ‘important’ or ‘productive’ and this is in my waking life. not the dream any more. in that way my relationship to my thoughts was just like my relationship to the specific people in the dream. the thoughts were ‘older’ they had been around for a long time, a habit in me from the beginning i hadn’t even noticed could be different. i just figured it was the way reality was. but when something scary happens, i didn’t need to go into my brain and think about it. i can just let it roll off me. i don’t have to use logic to make sense out of fear feelings. that isn’t ‘being productive’. just because something has been ‘going on forever’ or ‘everyone is doing it’ doesn’t make it more right.

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(Naturally Social ‘hang out space’ Event) All people have passion. All people want something. it feels good to be healthy. addition is just a trauma symptom. there are hidden traumas everywhere effecting our behavior. it isn’t a ‘disease in the mind’. it’s a feeling. a feeling of not feeling safe with people. humans and other animals are a socially driven species, we learn to function on our own for long periods and even thrive temporary when removing ourselves form the community in a bigger way, but this is a trauma coping mechanisms, not true ‘thriving’.

Being part of the community is not the same as ‘conforming’ to all it’s pressures and abstract ideals. There is something to be said about being around others yet ‘holding on to yourself’. Maybe someone is talking to you a lot and won’t stop. it isn’t your responsibility to answer their every question. what matters is that you -feel- connected to people, a sense of ease and rhythm and flow in the group. that you could relax, laugh at a joke, look into someones eyes, the words quickly can become very distracting, we get caught into this race to become ‘smarter’ that is perpetuated by society and is a huge distraction blocking the way to the true simplicity of feeling of love and connection between people when we take time to relax with each other and allow them to flow.

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We can draw out this passion in all people, adults and children, but talking about it, complementing it, etc, asking about it, sharing out own passion leading by example to thereby encourage others to share theirs. just by existing int he world we encounter lots of pain, loneliness, emptiness, it all boils down to one word, ‘suffering’. you think you have to discipline and motivate your kids al the time on top of the suffering that already inherently exists in reality, the burden of just existing in this survival based universe / plane of existence. we criticize the defeated, the poor and the injured for not being ‘motivated’ enough to seeded in life and get rich and famous. the intention is wrong, the goal is wrong, the criticism is misplaced. lots of people fight against it. but the habit is too easy, it’s too old, we are used to fighting battles against ourselves and each other we don’t even need to fight. this physiological war of winning love and motivating ourselves to be better and smarter. Society has this way of teaching us, in a subliminal or subtextual way that we are ‘inherently bad’ or inherently at fault. we start assuming we are at fault or have made mistakes. the problems in our life seem ‘logical’ when they start as something emotional we have never even notices is there. when we don’t make peace with the ‘this is my fault’ emotion, we don’t let in the happiness, the rainbow river of positive emotions that flows between us and others, so therefore we never even know it is there. we never even know what is really feels like. so problems in life seem logical, we never notice this emotion that blocks our way to an even more powerful kind of connection then we thought was possible.

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The ‘autism’ thing never made sense to me, some doctor thought i was high functioning autistic? when i was 12? yet i noticed times when the shyness would just go away completely, and that i could get more connected just by looking for more of those ‘times’. the good times. I realize I had a lot of free reign when i was young, lots of time to think for myself and be creative, it was mind-expanding and thinking deeply about the universe relentlessly even as a child, i was fascinated and always learning….. i never had to deal with the strict discipline and conditioning some families had, free thinking was encouraged in my family…… so it was hard to accept the simplistic pigeon hole of mental illness. it never really made sense to me. if mental illness is a fixed condition in the brain, they why did it just totally vanish in certain situations? i was never convinced i was ‘ill’ in the brain, yet there this habit, it is trendy to convince people of my generation they have an illness. it seemed like everyone i knew had one. it was like candy.

Sometimes i felt like i was in a ‘cloud’ and other times i felt this potability for infinite love and connection, yet the ‘cloud’ really didn’t feel like a ‘mental dysfunction’ or something that was permanent, but i didn’t really know what it was that made me feel disconnected either. and slowly over time i felt more and more disconnected, I became ‘insecure’. As i grew older i became more set in the ways of society, earning approve for the love of peers, striving to prove myself to the larger community, to ‘get the girl’. trying to get ‘smarter’ to impress people, and on the flip side of it all was this fear that there was something wrong in my brain. They told me i was learning disabled too, in elementary school. Normally i don’t even bother mentioning this.. but it is relevant. They told me these things, I knew that wasn’t true, even though as a kid i was creating complicated fantasy novels, and stop motion movies, designing computer games, and doing all kinds of things. So I really questioned what i was told regarding my ‘brain’. It really made no sense. I used to be really concerned with proving people wrong, but that really is part of the problem, so i don’t even bother with it now. the people who believe these things aren’t the people i want to be around. Something made me shy away from people as a kid. But that wasn’t ‘mental illness’. That was such a creepy way to describe people. And that was the truth, every time ‘mental illness’ came up, it felt creepy as hell, it felt fake, and depressing, what were all these adults doing? Sitting in a room feeling depressed.

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The only thing we really need to worry about in life is putting food on the table. The love part, that should be the nourishment, the healing. Sometimes i can mean that we have to flip our perspective on life to see love as the food, the sustenance, the nourishment, and not as the thing we have to ‘strive’ to become, the final ‘enlightenment’ that will make us finally truly lovable. The enlightenment is right here. you are already enlightened. you have suffered enough. just by friggin existing in this reality. With all the confusion of it all. addition isn’t laziness. addiction is a trauma byproduct. Filling the void with food and pleasure, that really needs to be filled with love (human light emission, human energy). Selfishness isn’t greed. It’s trauma. All of it is trauma. That’s what our society doesn’t get. We are afraid to let the love in. As a species. It is too strange too massive and too simple to comprehend. How could so many struggle with something so simple, how could so many follow a misguided approval seeking pattern, because it’s the hive mind, it’s our connection, when we don’t know what to do we look to others for guidance, everyone is looking to someone else, know one knows that they are doing, but thought history this has created a massive and ongoing illusion that we all ‘know’ what we are doing. the head mentality. group think. hive mind.

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Trauma isn’t something you can simply talk people out of, you can’t mind your way out of it. Trauma is much stranger then we can know, love and healing have to be felt, experienced, we are all equals in this, we are discovering truth, not inventing truth. The teacher is the learner, the learner is the teacher. Children have feelings and questions they don’t understand because society itself doesn’t have the answers, yet instead of just dismissing the question of the child as childish, i try to always look at things with a fresh take, they see the world unclouded by habit, but children are far from perfect, yet they teach us things we have forgotten with time.

Trauma is strange, because reality itself is strange. For a while I hesitated a bit to use the word ‘trauma’ because that implies we ‘know’ what it really ‘is’ that gets in the way in life. Yet Trauma is a popular concept that is easy to understand and is becoming more popular than before so I fall back on it, and don’t want to go overboard with my radical theories about what ‘really’ gets in the way. trauma is something we are ‘ready’ as a culture to understand. yet still i find it too ‘mental’ and too ‘self’ or ‘individual’ focused, it take the focus off the community dynamic and how it effects us as individuals, and off the fact that we -physically- exist in reality and are constantly effected by this, it puts us into the mind and keeps us looking inwards for our ‘faults’ to too great an extent, the same old dilemma, like a decent step up from ‘mental illness’, yet the word ‘trauma’ is a good starting place. It gets us a bit out of the ‘mental’ and more into the ’emotional’. Society as a whole is ready to ‘grok’ the concept of ‘trauma’ and that it exists beyond traumas of injury, trauma can also be from emotional injury and it is important to recognize both. and accept that you can be traumatized even when nothing goes ‘wrong’, because it is equally traumatic when nothing goes truly ‘right’ in your life, as is the case for many. Yet if i were to find a word for what really gets in the way of connection… i might upgrade it further to something like… Ok i haven’t decided yet, but fun to think about. Well i have one idea, but it is way to radical, so we will stick with this for now. Understanding Trauma has put me further in the right direction, getting into the emotions more.

Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

It’s hard to really ‘know’ the Universe, but when we group up in fear that we can’t find love and purpose in the greater community, that we can’t attract the love we want, that is trauma, we don’t think it is, we just call it, being an ‘awkward dork’, but it is, fearing we don’t belong is so unconscious, yet it gets in the way, we don’t even notice we are doing it, getting in our own way, it is instinctive, it goes deep into the emotions, and it isn’t really about the mind or the brain in a significant capacity enough though society is constantly telling us it is. it isn’t your fault for not trying harder. it’s the opposite. When i talk about Trauma i don’t want to get into that all to deep rut or pitfall of saying, “all the problems are in your mind” and you can do anything if you just have the right “mentality” this gets us sucked back up into the mind, when I talk about trauma i am really talking about emotional trauma. one way to release  is you process the past emotionally. that ’emotional’ part is key. it isn’t like a science project or a mathematical equation. emotions aren’t logical, yet they effect everything we can do. you have to feel what heeling the emotional feels like, only you can to that.

Trauma isn’t just in the past. Some psycho therapy can get really focused on the past to the exclusion of the present. The past has it’s values, we hold on to it in our emotions, and don’t even resize it, just taking time to notice feelings we are holding on to has this way of shedding light on them, and soundly there is this deep body’ release’ we just let it go, just by noticing it, we feel a shift.

Trauma can be very ‘on going’ in life, and i feel this gets overlooked, it is often happening right now. the trauma is continually ‘renewed’, ‘refreshed’ in a lonely and stressed out world. Every moment is new, and we relive the dark times. life is harder then we give it credit for being. Just existing can be hard. And that’s why having ‘fun’ isn’t ‘lazy’, it’s important to take all the fun you can get. yet have it in a healing way that connects you to people and the things that matter, not fun as  away of escaping the things that scare you, fun to fill a void never full. it should feel like the fun is lifting you higher. it isn’t just about what you are doing. often the intention is the most important part. healing is on going and not just about the past. feeling disconnected is traumatic, the trauma becomes on going because you are always disconnected when you get in that cycle, you can’t just ‘let go’ of the trauma without also ‘letting in’ the love. the light. the energy. this part often feels like it gets left out for me. We get really good at ‘letting go’ of things, us spiritual seekers, yet we also need to ‘let in’ the love, if there was an absence in our lives. When you talk about trauma as this ‘thing in the mind’ and forget the heart-love part of it, the people part, it gets very mental and circuital. WE focus a lot on the individual person when talking about trauma, it gets deeply psycho analytic and takes years and decades and life times, it’s all on you and your personal barriers that you personally individually need to overcome if you do enough deep processing work no yourself over the years…….. yet trauma is also largely and significantly a group phenomena that is ongoing in this very moment, and when you shift it in the entire group it can shift very quickly. your energy is connected to the energy of everyone else in the room. we are like these beacons of energy, these receives, we are community creatures. When you change the energy of the group decades of on going generational trauma aka deep unconscious emotional fear (emotional fear responses to social and group situations) can be shifted, it gets straight to the emotion, and shy shut don’t people open up, because they -feel- the vibrations of the group, and only the group love can create that vibration. one on one is ok, but years of relating to people and working through the problems one on one takes out an essential part of the equation. we are a group animal. and group healing shifts everything. when everyone in the group wants to heal and be vulnerable and talk about love and self love, that’s when big healing happens, you just don’t get there one on one. Even just remembering times when i was part of a group or community that valued ‘self love’ those times i really felt connected, and just the memory has be a guide to help me find that in myself, to reach out and recreate that kind of self love community atmosphere.

It took me a long time to accept this , but finally i decided i had suffered enough, it became too obvious too keep ignoring it, as much as i feel afraid of gathering, all the best times in my life had been during large gatherings. the reason i failed to see it, failed to accept it, was because i was making life unnecessarily complicated for myself. the truth was simple. the group itself was healing. it didn’t matter so much who is was talking to our how i was trying to connect with them, just being there and enjoying it was what really mattered, time and time a gain, i saw this was true. i was afraid that by becoming a more social person i would become exhausted and i wouldn’t have time or energy to write books, do the creative things that were a real driving passion in my life, i was afraid that to break my social boundaries i would have spend even more time being social, at one point i stopped even allowing myself to be alone… yet this was just anything over compensation for something. when i first started to experience ‘getting high’ on the social vibes of life, the good kind of high, i started to ‘flip the other way’ from introvert to extrovert. to rely on this social energy all the time. yet this lead to a crash.

I was forgetting an important part of myself, the passion, the art, the creativity. in my big quest to be charismatic and get the girl, ironically i left out something important, the valuable that all those ‘nerdy’ ‘social isolation’ activities acutely brought to my life. i saw it as the problem. but the art way my passion. what i need was BOTH. the people, and the fun, the strange personal private fun that was hard to fully communicate sometimes. every strange creative little thing that made me happy. all that wasn’t a distraction it was part of my spiritual quest, my human quest. all that alone time creative stuff was a major place of passion and healing that also connected me to others because it made me happy and witty and funny. There are many sources of energy in life. Now i do anything and everything that makes me happy. there isn’t any one thing that summarized my routine. My life is variety itself. Variety is the healer. I do different things not because i ‘know’ it will ‘work’ and connect me to people, but because it ‘feels’ good, and the feeling connects me to people. Everything becomes vastly less complicated when you let your feeling be your guide, your compass, your radar. it is all to common to undervalue the power of the heart and the power of feeling in our modern fast passed productive mind driven world of ambitious thinkers and noble strives. We are always getting better and stronger.

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Society is trying to heal your trauma, yet it is also creating it. it is all very confusing. maybe you should take a nap. Take a break from all these mixed messages. LOL.

Society wants us to heal, yet at the same time it is trying to hurry you back onto that peer validated ‘productivity’ track. helping you to let go of shit quick so you can get back to work folding letters and packaging boxes or waiting tables or something. It’s time to ‘achieve’. “Have you done anything productive today?” My friends mom asks her every day, she looks exhausted. And the follow up question from my deep soul self, “who cares!!??”

We do what we have to do, work is work, we go to work, make a buck, but you won’t heal if you become too ‘familiar’ with that ‘exhausted’ feeling in life.

That’s how it was for me, life was just fundamentally exhausting and sucky. even in the exhausting lame situations that you can’t avoid you have to focus on the good, the energy, the fun, and start to see that there is something really consistently good in the world. it helps knowing other people have it, and i think i was always unconsciously instinctively modelling those other people, even now, often they themselves may not know ‘how they do it’. it is more important to feel it then to know it. joy and success is like this feedback loop established over time. but it is more then ‘mentality’ it is more then the ‘mental’, the synaptic firings in your mind. healing and positive momentum in life is very emotion based, feeling based. often we talk ourselves out of feeling the feelings. we became ourselves. argue with ourselves. be the feeling is deeper then all that. it’s not your fault. feelings aren’t logical. the mind is logical. you can’t logic your way out of trauma. You just have to notice how you feel. It sounds almost too obvious. but it takes time and practice.

Exhaustion becomes so normal to people like me, that we don’t even really know what feelings feel like and they way they guide us to where the energy and power of life is. When you are really getting more and more into your feelings, they become like this compass, like this radar that leads you to where the energy and connection is in life, and you don’t even have to think that much. It’s like you life is powered by this internal magnet. and that’s what love is, it’s magnetic. It becomes so normal.. just forcing ourselves to do things all the time, we think it is ‘admirable’ yet when you create momentum with your feelings by enjoying all little things in life, that momentum carries you, and then you don’t have to constantly ‘tell yourself and ‘make yourself’ do things. life gets easier, and people treat you with more respect. it is a win win. and the other way is a lose lose. yet even people are in this ‘lose lose’ place life they need our kindness and not our criticism. the criticism is already alive and well in the minds of these people, yet the outside world is always here to provide more of it somehow. the criticism and ‘identification’ of problems … becomes the problem itself. the ‘shouting at flowers’ phenomenon. a flower is just a flower. if it doesn’t get enough light and droops over, that doesn’t mean it has ‘mental illness’. A complex neural problem of the flower that has gone wrong permanently in it’s flower brain. It doesn’t have flower autism. or flower schizophrenia. It doesn’t have restless flower syndrome, to be cured with some kind of an inorganic chemical in the shape of a pill with a fancy name like “abilify”. It’s just a goddamn flower. Stop reading into things. Stop projecting problems. You just have to keep watering those good seeds, being grateful for the things that make you happy in life day by day. that creates momentum. magnetism.

The fear, we don’t even notice we have it, but it is an instinct that gets in the way around people, we mimic what the group is doing, and we prevent ourselves from really ‘feeling’ the group vibe, enjoying the vibes, socializing becomes a type of ‘productivity’ we discuss how we can self improve and get better as individuals and people. but there is a subtle underlying stress behind it. not everyone does this, but even those who are truly comfortable don’t always notice how much anxiety is driving society itself. it is so all pervasive, so everywhere. we are afraid to challenge it. it doesn’t have to be a rebellion. it can be as simple as having self kindness and gratitude for the good things. the big ambitions in life are noble, yet they are top heavy, they make us exhausted and actually bring us down sometimes. the fear cuts us off from feeling our other emotions, like in the heart, and the emotions are what tap us into the energy, the energy the group emits, and the energy of our own creative feedback loops, the energy that connects us to the sunlight, plants animals and people around us. the vibes, enjoying the simple things, the colors of your room. this hidden fear mode, that resides in the instinctive ‘herd’ (the bonds of our animal emotional nature) cuts people off from the energy. but shifting it can be very simple the moment you start to notice it. so much of healing is as simple as ‘noticing’ things. but it can feel like stepping into another dimension. it is almost too simple, too easy to accept that life could be like this at first. when you are used to the harder way, earning love and success by being constantly relentlessly ‘productive’. a lot of it has to do with how we relate to people. you can’t really heal the trauma by being alone too long. whatever problems happen in your life, you can’t let it convince you you aren’t worthy of being around people. even when you are injured and broken, you still are connected to the love of people. we are a social species. that is how we ‘harness light energy’ we have evolved this way. because human together are like batteries, we circulates this energy, like some kind of massive organic power plant. it is very simple and effective. yet we grow up learning that attracting people is all about the ‘skills’ you have learned mentally. we live life on this ‘verbal’ demon, i can’t stand to be around people who are so ‘verbal’ and doesn’t seem to read any emotions, even the most obvious ones, yet this is the kind of person society produces. we think people want to laugh at our clever jokes, and are inspired by our brilliant statements, but the energy is even more attractive, even more healing.

Spirituality tells us that we can ‘earn’ this energy if we do lots of yoga, mediation, dieting, working out, if we really are fully devoted… yet this has a way of becoming another system of control. it is the same thing all over again. ‘productivity’. again i had to let go of all that. and get back to the simple truth. how do i feel about people. it was hard to understand at first. it seems like we are ‘independent’ units. but it took me a long time to realize that humans thrive in groups, it seems almost obvious now. it feels hard to think of yourself as ‘needing’ other people to be happy. but when you make the choice to seek groups of people more often, if you were someone like me who didn’t go to gatherings every often, you will ‘feel it’, you feel that the flow of energy is ‘natural’ and it is different then ‘neediness’ or ‘consumption’.

It isn’t neediness because you are with others, but you stay connected to yourself, you get into your body and the emotions, and out of all the mental stuff of trying to understand others minds, the competitiveness of it all, the rat race, you feel emotions and relax, and the feeling is attractive and healing. you think about what makes you happy, and that in and of itself becomes attractive, it becomes a starting place for more. Socializing is like watering plants, you grow a bit at a time, you water the good seeds, water the good thoughts, and they bare fruit and flowers. People who work too hard all the time start to look malnourished, they shrivel up, the stress isn’t natural, it feels predictable, yet notice what relationships in your life are ‘productivity based’ if you feel you need to accomplish things all the time before you can speak to someone, maybe the health value of that relationship is something to question. for some this is the only way we learn and know how to relate. it is ok to want to be friends with someone just because they make you feel calm. when you feel calm, the other person feels it too, that you are becoming more natural and connected.

the irony of it all is that people work to hard and shrivel up and feel exhausted and crash and feel lonely and don’t even know there is another modality of being in the world, a different way to ‘relate’ to the universe itself, with people and when alone. this kind of doing ‘whatever’ nourishes your emotions and feeling at any moment, this constant, heeling the feelings mode of being. it is done together and alone. it has to be both. we are a social species yet you don’t have to be constantly around people to be happy, that also becomes another system of control, a compensation mechanism for not knowing you to just ‘be with yourself’. that is also very healing. it is healing ‘creativity’. for a whole different kind of reason. socializing is very energizing for me, yet being on my own is deeply relaxing, and gives me time to cultivate this different kind of creative independence that is hard to do if you are afraid to be on your own.

You start to ‘feel’ that being around the group is the natural way, because the energy flows through you. if you don’t plug in your phone it runs out of battery. we are nothing but strange creatures floating on a big rock in space. we adapt by harnessing energy. more people = more energy. it isn’t wrong to just soak it up. to just party your way to happiness. addition is the byproduct of trauma. when the fear is gone, you see that ‘fun’ is not an indulgence, society tells us to work for love, but there is a much bigger epidemic to heal, all the productivity is not making the world better, there is so much emotional healing that needs to happen, and what we call ‘bring productive’ becomes like this anxious distraction, from the real pain, the lack of feeling like we matter in the community, to each other. You can give yourself permission to enjoy life. even when it seems almost like everyone is telling you not to. because healing yourself and feeling more healthy and vibrant is the most effective healing to others to. leading by example. and doing this isn’t as easy as it sounds, because it means face fear, letting go of what we don’t need, the stress, the attachments, not just letting go but letting in the love. you matter. you are awesome. Saying that to yourself. Saying it to others.  There is so much pain out there, yet it has this way of becoming totally invisible. people who are too disabled to work are forced to, people are sick or emotionally traumatized, but society tells them they have an ‘illness in the brain’ and call it ‘autism’. the rich treat the poor like they are unmotivated drug addicts, when really no one has it harder. You learn that suffering is your fault. if you are not happy it is your fault. it sounds like a motivation speech. Motivational speech GONE WRONG. Motivational speech GONE SEXUAL. just kidding. that’s a youtube joke. Ironically it is joy that is a major healer to the pain. Joy allows us to see things more clearly. Not telling people to force joyfulness and block out the sadness and bad things. but having kindness for the struggles of life. the invisible struggles. there are so many disabilities that you can’t even see with your eyes. and many others who are healthy enough still end up living life in a kind of loop, because you feel like you are not good enough, and it becomes a cycle. you start invalidating yourself. assuming others don’t want to talk to you, and you miss the real reason. sometimes people really just are busy and it isn’t your fault. when you keep going for the love and the joy, it becomes a positive feedback loop. and this is courageous. it feels good, and it is like partying for life, yet is is also a path of great courage.

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There are greedy people out there. there are people out there who abuse power. yet we choose to put them in power. a massive part of our population votes for them and supports their power. because that massive prat of the population is acting out of trauma. Ignorant people will ride that wave and use it to get rich and powerful. but the true problem isn’t the one dictator, or the criminal, the figure head, or the bad villain man, it is the massive amount of emotional trauma in the way people relate with each other, the loneliness, the projection of our inner emptiness onto the outside world in the form of hate and fear. that ‘Hitler’ that ‘bad man’ on the top, is like a distraction of sorts, a straw man / you might call him a scapegoat of sorts, he is propped up by countless people who want to feel connected and alive and purposeful -through- him. we want that shared sense of purpose, so we elect someone who makes us feel connected, we feel connected when we all rally together over something. even if that something is racism. or a chronic drive to become smarter and better. It could be money. School. Business.

There are all kinds of things we do to feel safe, to give us an ‘excuse’ to ‘belong’ around other space. Even spirituality. Spirituality is not an exception. It starts off as this amazing blessing in our lives, to take on some form of a spiritual practice.. but soon it is another system of control, we accept this is the best it will get and get into a rhythm, a comfort zone with thousands of others and stop searching beyond the routine for answers and freedom.

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(Voldemorts last dying soul in the fetal position on the left represents the condition of the ‘heart’ in an overthinking brain productive world)

Schooling makes us feel connected, yet makes us feel like we need to score A grades all the time or even A+ to be really of significance, to have ‘social worth’ to others, and that is totally upside-down as to how people really connect. it becomes a habit, thinking we need to study hard and be smarter all the time just to have social value to others. Relaxation makes us feel connected. yet we rely on these ‘pseudo communities’, these ‘excuses‘ to connect. The excuse connects us. Yet it is also a distraction, because it keeps us afraid, afraid to connect without the ‘excuse’. I have friends because i have drug buddies. I have friends because I have drug recover buddies. I have friends because of work. I have friends because i met them at college and earned their recognition by proving myself as a smart funny person…….. etc, etc. it gets problematic.

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It’s time to take love off the ‘pedestal’. Many people less qualified and way more goofy and misguided then you have an abundance of love and success in their lives, just look around, the love and it is freely available to them. if you struggle, it’s not because you aren’t good enough. many people radiate light, and have success and respect while only trying half as hard as you are already trying. many less talented and less awesome people then you have more love in their lives. shatter the illusion. love isn’t something to strive for and battle for and stress out about. it is right here. that said, it isn’t obvious. but over time, you can shift the momentum, create the feedback loop of love. you may not be the next Jesus, but if you start on a much smaller level, this way is still much easier then thinking earning the love needs to be a complex task. water the good seeds. find the love though harnessing the natural subtle energies of your body. creativity. kindness. honesty. the little things. the big ambitions crush us. miss herp and mr. derp don’t worry about big ambitions, they just love all the time because it feels good. yet this is the most powerful way to make a difference in the world and cultivate the things you want over time.

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We don’t need a ‘reason’ to connect. You don’t need a  ‘reason’ to want to walk up and talk to someone. Or to simply smile at someone. because the reason is love. Societies keeps us thinking we needs reasons to reach out. that there is something more important and more healing then being around people. It isn’t even just about the talking, it isn’t that essential to walk up to strangers and talk at them relentlessly to ‘break’ some kind of inner ‘mental limit’ as I so tried many times. But it is important to feel connected. it isn’t easy, but it could be. Sometimes it feels like the easy way is the only way. so i find ways to make it easier. We have a kind of ‘stranger complex’ in America or maybe even across the world. Everyone is a fellow human. We tend to fear strangers and people we don’t know, they could be up to no good, they could be insidious shady perverts, or they could be — ‘so good’ — that we don’t even deserve to look at them.. etc, then we are the ‘stranger’. We ‘stranger’ ourselves out of the picture. Other animals have simple minds, they don’t fear each other. They just do things as a group. They act together. Migrate together. Feel together. Herp derp. It is important not to be brainwashed though in to doing whatever people say is right, this can be a tricky distinction, be around others, yet notice the instinct to ‘copycat’ them, don’t mimic every single thing they do just to be cool or garner respect in society, first really think about if it feels right and value to you. Don’t be afraid to go agnist what you are told. the ‘assumptions’ we all make.

You can just ‘be’ around the group and feel your own emotions and unique creative happy thoughts and ‘not’ subscribe to any kind of complex ideology or peer pressure. it takes time to feel into what that even means. to do it your own way, yet still make a choice to be around people. i always got the ‘do it your own way’ prat. i know i felt 100x happier when i thought for myself, but i didn’t get, what i didn’t get, was that i could still do this, be my unique creative self, while around people. i was afraid that being around others meant loosing myself. school felt boring, too much dry information, too much stillness, to many long hours. i lost myself in the mundanity of it all. yet being at home all day with mom clearly wasn’t the answer either. hiding a way in personal passions. visiting a friend now and then, yet not being part of a bigger ‘group’.

You can go to school, be around a larger group, and still find times to ‘have fun’. You have to create the fun. Even just as a thought. It doesn’t have to be anything big, bold, stressful and courageous all the time. Fun can be as simple as it sounds. Just think about what you like. that changes your vibe. changes how you feel. you can be goofing off internally and the teacher will never know it, they will feel your joy and love you for it and know that you are a good attentive student even when you are just thinking about something like “cartoons” or “people you are attracted to” or “art projects” like 70% of the time. The courage to have fun and enjoy yourself in little ways. That can change the world.

We humans and or complex minds, create much to be afraid of. And all that becomes an excuse to disconnect. Even if you are talking to people yet afraid of what they are thinking all the time, that is a kind of disconnection, it makes you exhausted, makes you want to run back to something else that ‘feels good’, what if connection could ‘feel good’, what if ‘feeling good’ was the primary reason to do it. It wasn’t always so obvious to me.

Animals don’t make things so complicated, a herd of cows isn’t trying to raise their kids to be the next ‘baby Einsteins’ or get straight A’s to beat out their other classmates, so that they can ultimately beat out other nations in the great race for SCIENCE and advancement. Animals know how to just be. Maybe technology isn’t about getting better and smarter and making the next mind blowing complex innovation, maybe even human tech can be used to help us get more in touch with nature and ourselves. a natural technology. other animals don’t think as much as we do. it is a gift, yet it also gets profoundly in the way. Animals just gather and follow their feelings. They aren’t driven by different religions and schools of thought and prejudiced, they just gather and chill. Herp. Derp.

Getting in touch with that inner ‘animal’ you is grocery underrated. The ‘animal’ means your instincts feelings, natural social impulse to just be goofy and laugh and look at people, to think about simple things that fill you with excitement). Stuff that isn’t really about the brain. Feeling raw emotion. feelin it and feelin it. I always used to think and think about how to get women to like me. For many years it plagued me. Finally… i just stared to see myself as an ‘animal’ of sorts, like a dog just chilln with the other dogs. I imaged it like this. that’s how it felt. dropping the intellect. it was almost like being ‘naked’. It felt like i was lying to people, smiling at them, without having anything interesting planned to say, without using my brain practically at all… but they just smiled right back. and i was like ‘hey!’ this is way the hell easier then what i was doing before. i just just smile to people and listen to them talk and say very little, yet i feel connected. Dogs don’t worry about weather they are good enough, they just run right up to people. They don’t worry about there ‘intellectual contribution’ to the global conversation. they have an emotional contribution, just by existing. even in there final moments when death and illness take them, they keep trying to stand up, keep going for the love. because it just feels right for them. I’ve learned a lot from lust looking at animals. Keep things simple. And girls like that. I am true to my emotions. I can be an intellectual. But i do things first and foremost because it feels right. A moth doesn’t need an ‘excuse’ to go to the lamp, it just goes to the light.

Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
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“In every culture and medical tradition before ours, healing was accomplished by moving energy” – Albert Szent-Györgyi (1937 Nobel Prize for Medicine)

Chronic Pain and ‘Phantom’ Pain

I’ve dealt with chronic pain a lot in my life. Events that led to ongoing physical pain and or discomfort depending on the situation. I have fake teeth that cause me pain depending on the situation. I have chest pain. I also had five years of chronic irritation from a skin tare that nearly made me give up on life, but I was able to heal it by (essentially) going on adventures with people in the outdoors, in nature, going to places, concerts and festivals that specifically ‘spoke to me’ emotionally, events that ignited my passions. Believing that FUN was still possible in my life and that the pain would not be an obstacle. The pain convinced me that the life i wanted would no longer be possible. So i stopped really going for the things i wanted in life. and ironically that ended up giving more reality to the pain, making it hold me back a lot more then it actually needed to. I think everyone that has some kind of long term chronic pain has to face this conflict. Does my life still matter? Can i still do the things i want to do? Do i need to ‘abandon’ my dreams, or is part of that dream still possible?

It was difficult to move beyond that skin irritation thing, but i did, it began in high-school, but then in my mid twenties, I began having chest pain (related to Lyme’s Disease) and dental pain from an operation, both around a similar time. And this was intense, the chest pain was shot and intense, the dental pain was ongoing, effecting my conversations and passions. there was also a bout of chronic exhaustion. making it hard to work. it was a whole different kind of beast. and once again people told me it was “all in my mind”. i had celebrated the healing of my former chronic pain, i was ready to give speeches and like ted talks lol about the obstacles i had overcome, about the story of how i thought i would never live without pain again, but i had found a way to.. but this, this time i wasn’t sure i could heal what i was now facing.

I remember having dreams about the skin irritation pain where it used to be located in my body back around the high school days, dreams about being consumed by it, defeated by it until i felt hollow inside, as it had been back then. i didn’t understand the meaning of these dreams for years. that was something in the past, something i had overcome.

Over time i realized there were still similarities between the two or three different sources of chronic pain i encountered in my life. this new pain felt insurmountable, but i began to belie that maybe the dreams were telling me it was more related to the old pain then i thought, that i could heal it the way i healed the old pain, but it would mean a kind of deep ongoing acceptance, hitting the wall, and then just finally accepting the reality and not fighting it, as i had finally done before. i had grown attached to the idea that my life only had that one major obstacle to fight and overcome, and i was happy to have finally made peace with it, i didn’t feel there was room were these new sources of chronic pain… but when I applies the same method to it as i once had before, i realized there was hope for a similar kind of healing.

Something I’ve noticed many times over the years of my life… being a person who has survived Lyme’s Disease among other things, dealt with long term chronic pain:

Thinking itself can lead to pain in the body. If thoughts and worries surround the pain, this can have a way of ‘growing’ the pain to nearly unlimited degrees. It took me years to even notice this. It’s scary really. This doesn’t mean you are “imagining the pain” as many people have no doubt told you in our current society.

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this satire cartoon by David Firth speaks to me on many levels.

“It’s all in your mind.” they will say. Or they will say it in a kinder way, yet ignore you all the same, parents, doctors, maybe even your friends. The solutions they offer will feel off topic, like they are subtly or overtly just telling you to get over it. That is belittling and minimizing way to say things… and yet it will be said to you a lot anyway. What did the doctor say “Everything’s fine?” “OK then, get over it.”

Pain is a battle the hardest battle. This doesn’t mean your mind has ‘unlimited’ potential to over come any obstacle if you just change your mentality. Yet you can’t simply win in life by ‘eliminating’ bad thoughts, that can be even worse, you just have to bring the focus to something positive. I have learned to be kind to myself, and it has helped to bring back part of the old me.

If you have experienced pain.. say you had some kind of life shattering injury. or maybe something truly strange and hard to understand, like skin taring in sensitive areas, some kind of food sensitivity that causes pain, anything really, has lead to on going physical discomfort in your life, and you start to feel afraid the pain will hold you back from doing the things that matter in you life, as i have, that fear of the pain, it’s an electro-chemical response, it can very easily go into your unconscious habit. but you can become conscious of it if you so desire, if you have reason to be. it is only natural and fully understandable to fear a life of pain. yet i have noticed that fear. It pumps through the body, you brain and nervous system is wired into the physical muscles in your body. If you fear having pain in a particular area of your body, your nervous system tells that area to ‘tense up’ it doesn’t matter where they area is. Inducing stress in that area, juts from the fear impulse in your heart being sent to your brain, being sent to the physical muscle through the nervous system. (there is some debate weather the fear pules originates in the mind or the heart, but that is not really essential right now.) I feel it as taking place in my heart, the physical organ, thinking all the ‘worry’ originated in my mind has often held me back, searching and seeing for errors in my ‘brain’ that were never actually really there. I find that any kind of choice one makes often originates as a pulse in the heart. The brain may automatically be involved in this process (like the way your heart automatically pumps blood), but for many of us, we humans will experience it taking place literally in the heart. And you can change the way your heart responds to thinks simply by noticing it. It doesn’t really require and words or directives from the mind or the brain. Just by noticing your heart, and what you are responding to in your physical environment, your heart starts to change the way it responses, the ‘instinct’.

There are many things that cause this kind of ongoing micro pain, that should be small, yet because it can last your entire life, it becomes very distracting, like really fucking distracting, and doctors don’t seem to understand it, so that just makes you look crazy. i have dealt with this multiple times in my life. people will often tell you it is “in you mind” and you can power through it. however that is a rather of ‘harsh’ interpretation of something, a kinder truth. kindness heals.

When infinite thinking
Can induce worrying
Can lead to infinite stress

Can actually induce sensations of real physical pain in any part of the body your attention is focused on

The only thing really left to trust is the feel in your heart.
Even logic and rationality just become a boundary to the flow of the energy vitality river of life.

Yet when the river takes over life heals over days months and years. it is easier to see that the things i thought were rational back then were the fears.

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Often the mind has gotten in my way. I try to move forward in my life by experiencing a feeling that “everything is OK”. Experiencing the goodness of life is still here, It is something I do over days months and years. It isn’t really a choice I can make with my ‘brain’ or a ‘bit of information’ my mind can ‘know’. The flow of life’s energy is so experienced based. the body heals, on a cellular level, when we learn to stop controlling and knowing everything with the mind. It’s like stepping into a whole knew realty. old mental assumptions around the most basic things start to let go, we question what society and others have told us, even what our own feelings and senses previously told us about the world. we start to feel that a greater happiness is possible for us, even in spite of the pain.. it takes practice and habit, experiencing day after that things can change. I think many of us experience this struggling. Or society is very ‘knowledge’ based, reinforcing that we memorize and regurgitate logical factual study based information from an early age, knowledge based living is reinforced all the time. Many of us never learn how to really, experience life, through feelings and emotions, to be in nature, feel safe and relaxed around groups of people. we don’t learn how to awaken or more basic animal self. Ironically that raw animal self, that carnal emotion, loving self, is stronger and more attractive then the brainy part of ourselves that has all the answers, the statistics the facts. Society makes us focus on the words, yet people just want to feel happy at the end of the day. What is attractive to others is also that which is most heeling for ourselves. the feelings. getting into the hart, and remembering not to get too warped up in the mental projects, the mind analysis, during scary situations and circumstances.

Time has a way of changing things. Healing things. You can spend years with the awareness that you can’t heal… as i did. then i spend a few days trying to go for what i want anyway, and it feels like a conflict, there is some hint of progress, but then i start to doubt again weather really I can heal. that is where time comes in. I apply the believe that i can heal over time. It’s different from waiting to heal. yet it is natural. I’m not forcing myself to do anything. I’m just giving myself permission to enjoy life again, when the fear told me the pain was too much and i no longer could do that. Slowing bringing back the things I used to love and do.

Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

Natural Synergy

Star Wars Next Trilogy (Ideas)

I have emerged from my basement. I bringith forth treatments for the next few star wars movies set to come out in 2022.

Disney has agreed to purchase my treatments, but says they are under no obligation to use them or any of my ideas. however there is an implication that we are ‘friends’ and that by purchasing them that well you know we are “on good terms”, like “we cool” so they probably will use them, but later when they don’t I will feel betrayed.

Episode 10 — Star Waz — The Dorks Awaken

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Also known as — the Last Skywalker Awakens (working title)

also known as — the Last Gungan, Jar Jar Awakens

(JJ and I are talking about making the logo rainbow and to have a gay pride them with the whole movie.)

Script:

— filler episode —

I will buy time as much as possible. This episode is a “Story for another time” as (Maz Kanata would say.)  I’ve spoken to JJ and he admits we are a bit low on ideas but he thinks we can slide by on this one and play it safe rehashing some old themes. There will be puppets.

Lots of important action needs to happen. The next director can figure out the story details later in the next movie. That is for Ryan Jonson to do, the fans will like whatever he comes up with.

Episode 11 — The Rise of Jar Jar Binks

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(Jar Jar, Rule of Two)

(Co directed by Zwackery Zweevel (my discrete pen name) and Ryan Johson)

At the start of the movie Snoke returns. He had many clone bodies, he was embarrassed about being palpatine’s puppet, that is why he was created (as was obvious all along if you were really paying attention) but over time he grew his own consciousness and personality that was apart from palpatine’s control.

Our heroes and other villain characters have gathered for a big showdown with Snoke.

“It was I who allowed Palpatine to be resurrected. It was I who ….” idk. Snoke

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“I see all endings and possibilities!” Snokes voice booms. “I see the very thoughts in your mind! I cannot be betrayed!!” he is pretty epic.

Snoke address everyone in the room. People are afraid.

Snoke hears the thoughts of people in the room. They are wondering about his true identity. Many excited onlookers wonder who Snoke is. …Is he Mace Windo?? That seems most likely….

It is very annoying, Snoke is telepathic and hears all the thoughts.. It is annoying.
“I’m just Snoke!!” He booms.

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“Not yet.” Mace Windu arrives.

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“A jedi can survive a fall from a great hight.” He says. He is horribly disfigured from his electrocution and fall and severed hand during revenge of the Sith. Windu’s face is covered in electrocution burns. (Lucus decided it was ok that Windu ‘may have survived’ so wala!) He draws his purple lightsabor.

Snoke hits him with a massive surge of force lighting … he goes flying out the window / windu, and meets the same fate.

Many people are shocked. Shocked because this debunks the Windu is Snoke theory many were sure about. But none are as Shocked as Windu!! (eletra shocked)

“Maybe he is Darth Plaguies!!” Someone shouts. “… Maybe he is King Joffrey” Another cries. Everyone is trying to guess at the true identity of Snoke.

“That’s it!! I’m just friggin Snoke!!!”

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Then Jar Jar appears and stabs him.

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Ohhh that hurts. Snoke is killed immediately.

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Jar Jar takes the throne.

“Mesa been waiting a long time for this.”

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Rey Skywalker Palpatine confronts Jar Jar.

“Mesa smiling to see you!” Jar Jar says.

“I killed Sidious!” Rey shouts.

Jar Jar smirks. “Mesa CREATED Sidious!!” The big reveal we have all waited for. Expectations fully subverted.

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“So it was him all along… pulling the strings… it was Jar Jar” Rey Skywalker Palpatine says. The truth is finally understood. Leia and Kathleen Kennedy both understood the truth that all along Sidious had been pulling the strings, but now Rey understood the truth truth that all all along Jar Jar had been behind Sidious as well!

Jar Jar reveals that his true source of power is the “Toxic Fandom”

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“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hatred of the Prequels. Leads to the dark side!” Jar Jar hisses.

When all the fans hate Jar Jar, Jar Jar — feeds — on their hate, growing stronger with the dark side. Aka the ‘Dork Side’.

(This may end up being a very ‘controversial’ movie. A truly brilliant masterwork that ‘subverts expectations’ to the fullest.)

Rey is afraid. Jar Jar is way too powerful!!

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That is when Luke Skywalker’s force ghost appears to help Rey.

Rey tosses him a lightsaber.

Luke grabs it.

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then he tosses it over his shoulder.

“Nahh!” is all he says.

….I think Luke has had enough with this whole thing. Then he just fades out.

Luke was kinda depressed because his favorite TV show “Holiday Special” (it centers around Wookies and Jawas I think) was canceled. So he had a crisis of faith, became a hermit. “It is time for the Jedi to end. I came her to die.” he says later in the movie. I suppose he is a ghost now anyway though…

Flashback to 10 years ago………

It turns out George Lucas wrote treatments for episodes 10 to 12 and they were actually quite detailed. True brilliant masterworks. Undiscovered, unnoticed.

Lucas was mad Disney rejected them. He put them in a clear plastic box and cast them into the river.

Things that should not have been forgotten were lost. Years later the most unlikely creature found them at the bottom of the river while he was diving… a Snoke.

Snoke opened the treatments… he read Lucas’s masterworks and saw they were truly brilliant, it brought Snoke to tears.

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For years Snoke stayed in his cave pouring over Lucas glorious star wars treatments, they painted a picture of an alternate timeline where everything was just much more interesting, even though Snoke himself wasn’t even in this story, he loved them anyway. “My precious” he said.

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That was when hard core lucas fans appeared and attacked Snoke and took the treatments.

This was the event that broke Snoke and turned him to the dark side.

“They took MY PRECIOUS!!!!!”

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……….

Now years later Jar Jar is a shadow over the galaxy. Rey follows the clues, the trail of  Lucas’s inigmatic lost Star Wars ‘Sequel Sequel’ treatments. Finally she finds them.

…The story must continue, and Lucas is all they have left now. Disney failed, and Darth Jar Jar just became even more powerful.

A group of hard core fans have Lucas’s treatments.

Rey has to convince them to hand them over.

“the cannon timeline is ruined” the fans insist  “the EU is all we have left now”

Rey tries to convince them there is still hope for the canon timeline, and that Georges treatments could save them all. But they will have to give her the treatments.

They insist they cannot, the treatments are too precious. “My precious” they say. They can risk giving them to anyone, they are kept in a vault.

“You must believe!” Rey says. “Dreams are built on hope.”

“We can’t. We just aren’t… that invested in your character. We don’t know your weaknesses, we don’t care about your backstory, what is your personality?” The toxic fandom fans say..

“This is my weakness.” Ray says “I don’t give a shit.”

Rey channels her full power to push the dorks aside and break in to the vault. The power of her long lost first ancestor she has been reincarnated from, Mary Rey Sue, the first Jedi, the first avatar, the last air bender….AND her immense power from her Palpatine bloodline. She breaks in and gets the treatments and force pushes all the nerds away. Truly insidious.

She takes the treatments to Jar Jar.

Jar Jar is full of rage, but when he reads over lucas’s treatments he burst into tears…

“That is all mesa wanted!!!” it turns out he isn’t even in the sequel sequel treatments (or the sequel treatments) but it doesn’t matter. Because george’s script is glorious.

That is when George Lucas appears,

…..his midichlorians… are amazing,

you can just see it in his hair.

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“Disney may have went too far in a few places.” Lucas grins.

Lucas will save this falling trilogy with a last minute script amendment.

“What a twist!” JJ Abrams remarks, full of excitement and he watches from the sidelines. “This part was even better in the episode 11 novelization!”

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Jar Jar looks at the ground…. Mesa so filled with hate… but finally everything he wanted had come true…. He never actually thought this would come to pass.

“The truth is…. Mesa too filled with rage. Mesa never expected mesa dream to happen. Mesa can’t let go of the dark side!!!” Jar Jar continues attacking people. The hatred has gone on too long. Even this act of kindness can’t reverse all the hate that has happened. He is of the dark side now. Jar Jar is unhindged. He begins letting out goofy Jar Jar noises and shooting people dead at random with force lightning.

Lucas gaters teh force around him. He is powerful. “Jar Jar…. you were the key to all this!! You were supposed to be a funnier character than we’ve ever had….. Not leave star wars in darkness!!!!”

Then another person… a secret Jedi…. Steps out to protect jar jar.

It is Kathleen Kennedy.

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She ignites a blue light saber. It is luke’s original light saber. Only it isn’t. She just thinks it is because she wasn’t really paying attention. That is not that essential though anyway. That’s a story for another time.

Lucas “Kathleen… you were my friend.” Lucas speaks in that funny mubely way he does sometimes, which makes the moment a bit humorous when everything else about it is serious. “You were supposed to be my woman on the inside. You were supposed to filter my ideas into Disney. Not join them!! You were there specifically to keep my ideas in the game. Not leave them in darkness!!!”

“Um….” Kathleen says… she forgot her lies. She looks at JJ Abrams who stands off to the side.

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“Don’t look at me!” He laughs nervously.

“The force is female!!!!” Kathleen cries.

Kathleen and Lucas spar. It is intense and epic. Way more epic than anything we have seen thus far. Lucas has the unparalleled power of a glorious lone wolf director. Kathleen has the financial backing of the Disney corporation behind her. They were once friends… not bitter rivals. It is not a fun battle.

Lucas uses the force. Kathleen uses the force. Kathleen brings down a heavy metal beam to crush Lucas, Lucas grabs it with the force and pushes it aside. Kathleen looks pissed and a bit afraid or surprised.

The rivalry between Kathleen and Lucas is more bitter than between Lucas and Disney, because Kathleen was supposed to be Lucas’s friend, the betrayal is stronger. Lucas sold star wars to white slavers… but she was supposed to be his person on the inside. It turned out that both she and Bob Igar had been working for the Sith.

Lucas throws Kathleen Kennedy out the window. She is floating in space.

“It is done.” Lucas says “Kill the past. Let it die if you have to.” he ignites an extremely cumbersome additional two mini saber blades on the hilt of his saber (like Kylo Ren). “Owoch!!” it burns his hand and he drops it. “Damn this is impractical. Who would design a saber like this!!” It is frustrating, the star wars universe is not the way he left it.

The camera pans over to JJ Abrams.

Abrams avoids eye contact. “Real sets! Real puppets!!” He says.

Kathleen is floating in space. We zoom in on her freezing body. Kathleen unlocks the ‘Marry Poppins’ force ability and flies back in. She is a level 62 force user.

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They are fighting again.

“What do the sequels have. No new words, new stores, new technologies… nothing. Just copies of the originals. They are safe movies. Not good movies.” Lucas says.

“WE didn’t know what to do!! We created a movie FOR THE FANS!!” Katleen says “What do you expect of me George!” She is a wreck. She knows she is getting let go.

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“They wanted strong females. Strong females! This isn’t like harry potter!! We had no SOURCE MATERIAL! There are no comics. There are no star wars books!!”

“You have the expanded universe!!” Lucas says. “Hundreds of expanded universe novels.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS” Kathleen cries. “I don’t speak dork!!!!”

“We will see what the senate has to say about that!!” George says to Kathleen.

“I am the Senate!!!” Kathleen hisses.

“Not yet!!” Mace window says again. He is climbing back in through the window. (windu). He is even more disfigured then he was before. “A jedi can survive a fall from a great height.” He says again. Drawing his purple saber.

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Kathleen hisses and hits mace with an intense blast of force lighting.

“UNLIMITED POWER” She shouts.

This time mace Windu uses ‘vapad’ his ‘force anger’ technique to absorb some of the lightning. Mace Windu has almost zero plot armor protecting him. He probably will die according to the direction of the script…… Mace has a 99.66% chance of going out that window again. … yet there is something cold and steely and epic about his gaze… it is chilling… his badass stare might just win the day.

Jar Jar attacks Windu from the other side. Windu whirls around. It is an epic dual.

Kathleen hits Windu with force lightning again. This time he is too preoccupied with Jar Jar. The lighting lifts him up into the air and sweeps him out the window (windu) again. He falls to his hypothetically implied death.

(He might survive though. A jedi can survive a fall from a great height.)

Katleen has occupied Lucas, Jar Jar is dangerous and free to kill….

Anikins force ghost appears to fight Jar Jar while Lucas fights Kathleen. Ankin the chosen one gets his redemption moment. George is writing the script now so we are allowed to have good scenes.

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Jar Jar is taking damage now. He is at half power. He is down to only one Jar.

“Goodbye old friend.” Anakin says to Jar Jar. He is conflicted about this, Jar Jar is an old friend. It is bittersweet.

“Mesa smilin too–” jar Jar starts to say through tears…

Then Anakin chops off Jar Jars head in a vicious brutal manner.

“I killed them. I killed them all. They are like animals. So I slaughtered them like animals!” Anakin says.

“Take a seat young Skywalker” Mace Windus force ghost says.

Anakins ghost fades away.

“It’s over Kathleen. I have the high ground.” Lucas says.

“You underestimate women’s empowerment.” Kathleen hisses.

Kathleen spirals through the air in a Sith like motion.

Lucas cuts off all her limbs in a single motion.

“I Hate you!!!!!” Kathleen hisses.

“We may have gone too far in a few places.” Lucas says with some remorse as Kathleen catches fire, it is brutal.

“Well guys” Lucas addresses all the actors and writers and effects artists in the room. (dead Snoke and dead Jar Jar are still there too.) “Lets get cracking.” His use of langue is comically anticlimactic considering we are about to get a new Lucas made script for EPISODE 12.

“Not yet!” Bob Iger from Disney steps in.

“What is it Bob?” George says.

“You’ve had your chance. the fans weren’t happy whit the Prequels. JJ is still here. Disney wants to stick with him on the next trilogy… and maybe the Wiess brothers.”

JJ laughs nervously in the background.

“Not this old hubbub rubbish again.” George sighs. “JJ had his shot too.”

“A fair point. How about this. You have to write the epised with JJ’s help. But if you and JJ fight to the death, and you win, then you can write it without his supervision.

JJ laughs nervously again.

“Alrighty!!” Lucas says. He ignites his green saber.

JJ ignites a blue saber. then he drops it.

“Actually i don’t know how to use this.” He laughs.

Then an army of Snoke clones burst out of the back room.

“They are a hive mind.” JJ grins. “They all work for me!!!!”

Lucas has to fight all the Snoke clones at once.

“I’m getting ideas all ready!!” JJ says. “Lets call this star wars Episode 12, Attack of the Clones!!”

“Damn it JJ, that’s Episode II!” Lucas says.

“Attack of the Snoke Clones!!” JJ Says.

“This isn’t a Snoke!! Stop Snoking around” Lucas says.

“Be careful not to Snoke on your aspirations!” JJ says. Capturing Lucas in a force choke temporarily. JJ looks sadistic as he chokes Lucas. Lucas summons even more medichlorians and breaks free. His power is so immense. His hair is so amazing.

The Snoke clones all uses force lighting on Lucas. It is an electrical nightmare. Windu would not be pleased. But Lucas has an amazing Yoda like ability, he uses a green force energy to absorb all the lightning.

Lucas defeats all the clones.

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JJ laughs again, then in a loud rattling blast of chaotic noise and dark energy JJ transforms into the smoke monster from lost and flies away in a creepy snake like motion, slithering out the window (windu).

A polar bear watches in the distance. As if he is contemplating weather to come forward.

“Hello there” Lucas says.. “You there, you have something to say don’t you?”

The polar bear, cautiously comes forward…

“I know what is going on here.” He says. “It will all make sense in season 6. But you have to watch the next six seasons.” then he fades away.

Lucas feels really confused… and mostly lost. JJ is a master of suspense.

the polar bear fades back in for a moment. “By the way, i have a new gig on his Dark Materials. Great show. I highly recommend it.” then he fades away again.

“Well guys….” “it’s time to…” Lucas pauses… looking over his shoulder… he is starting to feel paranoid that someone else will interrupt him again… “lets get cracking!” There. He said it. No one interrupted.

“Not … ….. YET!”

Someone enters the room. (we are still in Snokes throne room… but it is also like a movie set kind of)

A big shadowy figure…

The figure… is a very large man… obese even … on an electric wheelchair.

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It is Plinkett. The angry star wars Prequel critic.

…Behind him is an army of angry star wars fans… Lucas and Anakin defeated Jar Jar… and JJ.. but they were only manifestations … of the true crisis …… now Lucas will have to face the toxic fandom itself. the fandom menace…

“No one hates star wars more then star wars fans.” Yoda once said.

All of them, the fans, are protected by heavy layers of plot armor. The truth is… this is what George had been most afraid of . Plinkett totally destroyed and roasted his Star Wars Prequels in the Plinkett Critiques. George was hoping Plinkett would not show up here on this day. He was hoping that maybe the arthritis had gotten to him by now. But now… he’s still alive and kicking.

“What is a Pilnkeet?” A spectator in the background asks. Not everyone knows who Plinkett is, ti’s very confusing.

“A Plinkett is a tool you use to dismantle star wars movies.” anther replies.

“You destroyed our childhoods…!! Don’t think we can forgive you yet!” Plinkett says. “you ravaged our dreams. Now we will destroy you!”

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He fires a rocket from a missile launcher that is part of the arm of his bulky black  wheelchair.

Using a technique taught to him by Kylo Ren… George Lucas uses the force to stop the rocket mid flight. He crushes it… rendering it inert.

Now Plankett is getting serious. For the first time ever…. Plinkett stands up… getting up off his wheelchair.. His legs are feebly and vaniey.. with arthritis… they almost don’t support his immense weight. He falls to one knee.. Several of his angry fan supporters help him back up to his feet.

Blankett firers a massive blast of force lighting at Lucas. there is so much hate in him.. and the fan around him …. the toxic fan base… make it ever stronger.. they are all wearing gray Sith robes and chanting.

“The Prequels are not bad movies!!” George Lucas says.

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“Nooooooooooo!!!!” Plinkeet screams. “I have not lived all this time through liver failure just to see another rendition of the Star Wars Prequels!!”

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“The trade federation crisis on Naboo was a cool idea!” Lucas says.

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Plinkeet can’t listen to this. he shrieks and covers his ears temporary stopping the force lighting. just hearing this like like having sand in his ears. it is course rough and irritating. just having someone say the Prequels are “good movies” is a cruse.. it spreads.. it gets everywhere. …..It is important to gather critical thinking fans together, to make sure that blasphemous talk like that is shut down.

“I was raised on star wars” PlinkeeEet fires back “Lucas.. are like my FATHER!!”

“Nooooooooo!!!” Lucas shouts. “Nooooooo!!!!” He shouts again.. This is the last thing he want to hear. He is just desperate for the chilling agony of this realization of him having any familial relation to Plinkett to stop.

PlinkeeEeeEet continues firing this river of force lighting at Lucas who is struggling to block it. There is so much hate… this is way stronger then the lighting from Kathleen or Snoke.

Lucas might be strong enough to be this… but the truth is .. his hope is fragile… part of him wonders if Plantlike is right… maybe I really did ravage their childhoods?  It plays on his self doubt. A fear he has always had… Lucas is backing down… he is being defeated.

Suddenly the force ghost of every Jedi significant to the plot appear around Lucas to help him. Ashoka, Anakin, Kit Fisto, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Obi Wan, Jabba the Huts tail Rat, Dexter Jetster, Watto… Also the ghost of Goku appears right next to Lucas, just behind him (like from the end of the kid Gohan vs Cell scene)

Plunkeete is really angry now. He keeps firing back more lighting… but Lucas is slowly walking forward.

“I am ALL the Sith!!!” The fat in his cheeks trembles with rage.

Plinkett is struggling…. over the years he has needed increasing amounts of Ada-van to numb the pain of his drinking and obesity. His cartoonification falls off. This is his true face behind the Sith mask.

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….Earlier JJ dropped a blue light saber.

Lucas uses the force to draw it all the way from across the room. Now he holds 2 sabers. one green, one blue.

“And I am all the Jedi” Lucas says. with the exact speed and movement choreography as Rey in the Rise of Palpatine.. I mean Skywalker.

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it is such a cool line. it makes the seen so unique and unpredictable… It’s like poetry, it rhymes. Plinkett is blown up. Bam. he just bursts.

all the fans amscray.

Lucas falls to the floor… he is tired… so tired. That last battle was harder then the others… it took all the life out of him.

Kylo Ren climbs in through the windu (The mace window. the window has been named after mace now. in honor of his death. This movie will also have a long funeral seen to honor the death of Mace Window following this battle (if the battle does in fact have an end, we are still writing the script. Each movie of the new trilogy will be primarily dedicated to the death of a Jedi from the previous much older trilogies.).).. Kylo looks beat up … he must have fallen out earlier… he is dying, his value to the plot is dying I mean…. but he gives the last of his life force, his story significance… to save Lucas who is at risk of developing heart trouble after all this excitement. Kylo Ren gives his life force to Lucas.. kisses him unexpectedly without even a single date or romantic conversation… and then fades away.

Before proceeding with the main plot.. all the characters… friends .. aliens.. side characters.. protagonist. this new trilogy has 3 lead protagonist. the new Rey Fin and Poe.. but we haven’t even met them yet... (they will be played by Chloe Felicity and Dafne) we had too much unresolved ’emotional baggage’ and nostalgia value to take care of from the previous films.. the plot stops … we take a 5 minute break to morn the loss of Mace Windu at his funeral. everyone cries. A lead protagonist was so distracted by Mace’s death that he stops fighting and gets his head chopped off.. this was back an hour ago during the Snoke Clone wars. The funeral scene is longer in the extended version of the film.. we only get five minutes of it here.

Now Lucas has a world full of people who want to help him make the next episodes.

He hires a writer. The writer writes 50 pages based of Lucas’s ideas.

The writer has some depression… just a spell of writers block. He says “I can’t get the story to flow, it isn’t flowing.”

Lucas says. “Ok”

They give up.

(To be fair Lucas is a bit disheartened after all this time… I don’t know… maybe it had something to do with the “you r888888 our childhood” comment).

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