The Energetic Heart & Body

Electric Heart, Magnetic Connections
and healing light.

Unknown to modern understanding, hidden to the five senses, the human body gives off a subtle healing energy. For many of us… we have always ‘felt it’, this ‘energy’ between people, this higher feeling, yet never truly understood ‘why’ and ‘how’. The energy of life can feel divine, like something not of this world, such ‘true love’, or just a feeling of being ‘connected’ to people, a feeling of being in your purpose, in a new place, around the community. What if that feeling wasn’t something so ‘ethereal.’ What if it was something more basic, like air and water, something you could have more often, or even all the time. We go about our lives chasing our ambitions, unaware of this energy source that is right there, available in communities, in festivals, at the park, in the mall, with your friends. It’s right there if we know where to look. This exchange of energy, it happens all the time when we’re are in close proximity of others, even when we are doing or saying very little at all. The ‘energy’ is subtle yet important. According to German scientists.. the human body emits small measurable intensities of light, known as biophotons, from the eyes and skin. (Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp.) (Herbert Schwabl, Herbert Klima. Spontaneous ultraweak photon emission from biological systems and the endogenous light field.)

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This biolight, this ‘biophotonic field’ if you will, a kind of light energy that humans emit without even trying to, it is healing to ourselves and other people around us. Our bodies have a system for receiving biolight from each other, storing it in our cells and DNA. “Cellular damage can be virtually repaired, within hours, by faint beams of light.” (Popp) Biolight and other energies exchanged between people exist “just below our conscious perception.” (Rollin McCraty) We have this ‘bioluminescence’.

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My own spiritual and social journey to become more connected to others lead me to realize that there was some kind of ‘energy’ or vitality that would just ‘appear’ over time when large groups of people had gathered. In particular when those people seemed relaxed and were having fun. After years of exploring this concept it began to occur to me that humans were constantly exchanging small amounts of energy, that this energy was light itself. It began as energy from the Sun. Only this was a kind of living light. This ‘group healing effect’ seemed to be a simple answer to many of my life long struggles. A simple answer that took years even decades you might say to even notice or attune to. It had very little to do with ‘social skills’ as I had always been told, and ironically had more to do with particle physics. The healing effects of the energy people emit, light. And to put it more simply, it was really about relaxing and enjoying the self in the company of others. Too long I had focused my social energies into impressing others and trying to calculate in my mind what would be the best thing to say. All that energy, my ‘light’ was being channeled into slightly misdirected intentions, put there not by my own mistakes, but rather by society itself. The advice and ‘common wisdom’ that was surrounding me. As it turned out connection and attraction had very little to do with what I ‘said’, it was all about energy, joy.

If someone is too focused on  achieving tangible goals or getting the approval of others they never notice and emotionally experience, really ‘feel’ their own inherent worth in relation to themselves and others. Though we can’t see biolight particles with our eyes, we can act with an awareness of these energies and arrange more opportunity to simply receive their benefit. Biolight is a type of resource that can only come from being with people. The amount of light is seemingly small but the effect is significant over time. We don’t have to make an effort to produce it, because it is already  being produced.

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There is a kind of mirroring and or multiplying effect that happens between people and in groups. The energy keeps reflecting off and circulating between people over minutes and hours of relaxed playful interaction and even just physically being around groups of people, the energy increases and increases. This relaxing and enjoying of the company of others opens the flow for the energy, takes the mind off thoughts of fear, it heals the trauma that is caused by both isolation and dramatic events, often events and traumas we aren’t aware ever happened. The absence of the life force energy is in itself traumatic. And being around groups is a rapid way to feel that life force flooding back into your body. even if you have no trauma what so ever, doing this is fun and revitalizing to the fullest extent. We are inherently social creatures. You don’t have to ‘make yourself’ be social, that becomes like a misunderstanding about the body itself, when you make peace with the fears and worries inside you, and let go into the energy of the group, it just becomes enjoyable, the less you ‘make’ yourself do things, the more you become ‘naturally’ magnetic, ‘naturally’ attractive.

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I was fascinated to learn, five years ago when I was 25, that the term ‘biophoton’ was out there and there was a lot of research already confirming my suspicions. At the same time I felt that the research was incomplete, all through the essential discovery is there (of the body utilizing light energy similar to the way plants do.) I saw little mentioning of the way the energy seems to vastly multiply in large groups of people, or around people who are relaxed and having fun, in parallel to each other, or in the process of relationship. And no mention of the way the energy seems essential to attraction, physical romantic and friendship, key to confidence, and they way it seems to heal many things such as ‘autism’ and any difficulties connecting with desired persons (other people).

I think the current research is great, but i would much like to further it by measuring the energy and noticing any changes that occur in large groups or in festival like atmospheres for example. I think it would be interesting two measure the changes of energy in individuals in many different setting, public settings like restaurants or cafes, or in the park, at parties, and at home, at work. and see the differences. I am not concerned that everyone adopt the term ‘biophoton’. I think the term ‘deep vital energy’ is a bit better for the layman to use, it doesn’t sound so nerdy or science, although it is a bit wordy. Other words have been used such as ‘orgone energy’. Terms like ‘chi or prana’ describe the same energy, however those terms can imply effort, lots of skill, martial arts training and awareness. The ‘deep vital energy’ requires little skill. Often unskilled people will happen to be in good positive community environments that can naturally and or accidentally provided them with all this ‘vital energy’ this ‘orgone energy’. It doesn’t have that much to do with training. However you can practice to be more aware of it, and to consciously put ourselves in locations where you will naturally receive it’s benefit. I feel that the research on bio-photons doesn’t express the incredible social physical and emotional benefits of the energy, and the way it multiplies in social settings, particular ones that are relaxed or have a fun atmosphere.

When you are in these healthy good energy ‘good vibe environments’ you won’t even have to try to receive the befit of the energy. It will happen naturally. Mostly you will just have to make sure not to worry too much, to ‘get out of your own way’ so to speak. And the energy will continue to feel good even after the ‘good time’ is over. You have been noticing this energy all your life, it isn’t really anything new, some people like me may even lust after it, or become deeply devoted to a spiritual practice to get more in touch with it. I don’t think it has to be such a battle any more. There are many people out there who have all the natural skills they need to succeed, like they aren’t even trying, success just comes to them.

Research from 2019 indicates that the light is actually carried by single celled organisms that travel through a system of ‘microtubules’ in your body, like a second circulatory system, that is much smaller. In a strange way the light field really reminds me of ‘the force’ from Star Wars. And the micro organisms that carry light in the body, they are much like the fictitious (and controversial) ‘Midichlorians’. Particles that carry the force. The microtubules are like a scientific explanation of the Buddhist concept of energy ‘meridians’ passes for energy in the body. This new research about biophotons and microtubules, what I was first referring to as ‘deep vital energy’, is the gateway to a totally new understanding of the body, and also key in how people connect socially. But modern science the way it is is may be likely to protest it for some time to come.

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It is possible that many human struggles and perhaps even bigger struggles of the world could be explained by absences of this ‘bio-photon’ energy and or absence of understanding how the energy works, like blockages in the flow of light between people. While this energy is essentially the same as ‘chi’ or ‘prana’, yet the ‘deep vital energy’ as I sometimes call it, unlike those concepts, this energy can be spread out or distributed across society and communities essentially at random. If you look at the universe scientifically you will see that there is much about the distribution of matter and energy in the great void of it all that is truly random. You don’t really ‘earn it’ (the light, the love) or get it because you’re ‘worthy’ or ‘not worthy’. That’s why it’s important to know that you ‘are worthy’ even if the ‘light’ hasn’t reached you enough in your life, so to speak. That’s why we have to change our concepts of ‘I don’t deserve it’ ‘I’m not worthy’, you didn’t feel the love, so you build up this concept that you are not worthy, and you have to earn it, that’s a stigma society needs to get past. When you see how -random- it all truly is, you realize it’s not your fault you didn’t’ get the love. You deserve it, even more then the people who got it from the start. there isn’t any ‘flaw’ with your ‘character’. Often if anything the main flaw is thinking you have a flaw, like a ‘complex’.

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We often treat trauma like it is primary mental. but I find personally that it can be largely emotion more so then it is existing in the mind or brain. It can be very traumatic to feel ‘cut off’ from this life force energy. That feeling of being ‘cut off’ often stokes feeling of fear in the heart, it beings as fear singles in the heart more so often then it is rooted in specific mental complexities (in my opinion). Making trauma too ‘mental’ and ‘about the brain’ can actually further complicate it. Over the years I have learned to get more into my physical body, feel the emotions, feel the pulses and responses in the body. Getting out of the ‘words’ the thoughts, that stuff is secondary to emotions and feelings which move much faster.

Your feelings can make choices much faster then your mind can articulate those choices into the English language, or whatever is your first language. I find myself sometimes using language to communicate with myself, when really language is designed as a way to communicate to other people, your feelings are a language of their own. Feelings get scary, we get afraid to trust them. So we put words over top of them. Yet the feelings carry a lot more power then the words. A feeling says a lot. Feelings are magnetic. Electromagnetic. I think we undervalue feelings in modern society. “Feelings are chemical signals in the brain” you will hear. We are really ‘big’ about the mind. there are always new books coming out about the ‘mind’. it almost annoyes me now, because it makes the mind like this celebrity, and we tend to over look the power of something truly very simple like a -feeling- and the way that simple -feeling- can put us in touch with a vast river of energy between people, of raw charismatic power and intuitive instinctive connections to others, sometimes even at a great distance.

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(ba = biophoton absorption)

Too often we get ‘cut off’ from the energy of people. Yet modern science isn’t really that aware of the energy, it is like a fringe science, or pseudoscience even, so the idea of being ‘cut off’ from the light energy of life, is not a situation that is taken with any serious gravity. however it is very serious. the light energy is a driving force of life itself. Without it, you will be disconnected, from people, from your(full)self. Society may label you ‘high functioning autistic’ or a number of other things, such as ‘depressed’. As though something has ‘gone wrong’ in your -brain-. And believing that is true ironically keeps you spinning in the mind, trying to puzzle out a problem that was never the to begin with.

When really what you are missing is time in your life to enjoy the vibes, and the emotional connection that you deserve it, you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy the company of others and not just compete to impress them. The forces that take your light away can be truly random, and that’s why you have to remember that you deserve the love. the light. You will be surrounded by people telling you you have a complicated problem of motivation or of mind, of physiology, but really the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to open they way for more light to enter your life, to get out there, soak up the vibes, and be kind to yourself instead of worrying what others will think. I spent all my life trying harder to be more successful, to self improve, it all turned out to be a spiral in the end. it turns out…. happiness is easy.

Once you identify what got in the way of giving yourself permission to be happy around people, you start to feel the stress in your body, and you start to let it go. Trauma is a bigger problem in society then we give it credit for. It is exacerbated by the fact that we aren’t that aware about the way energy flows between people and multiples in groups. We fight for scraps of joy here and there, when all you have to do is show up to a party or a festival, and you become like a sponge, soaking up the life force, the light, the ‘human field, the vibes, and that energy powers your deep body, you retain it, like this ‘after glow’, you can go home and wright novels, or enjoy a video game with this heightened sense of perception and emotion, appreciation for the little things, you are charged on life and don’t need the game to fill the void any more so you gain this whole new appreciation for the details, you don’t have to be glued to people, you can just enjoy life at your own pace. That energy is fuel for all kinds of things. Sometimes what we call ‘motivation’ to strive for greater heights is a mentality that makes life unnecessarily challenging. When you are used to doing things the hard way it almost seems too easy to just allow yourself to feel happy.

Some families and or groups have the ‘good vibes’ and produce lots of vibrant magnetic or attractive children, others are awkward and have ‘low energy’ emission. It is very random and chaotic, and it is not anyone’s fault. If a flower doesn’t get enough light, it is not the fault of the flower that it is not growing, and it’s also not the fault of the flowers near by, and no amount of shouting or telling the flower to “grow” can make it grow. It grows from sunlight soil and water, being in a nourishing environment. That means being somewhere where it can receive the ‘energy’ to become part of it’s flow. People grow like plants, yet we place judgment on ourselves and each other all the time for things that aren’t anyone’s fault. We need to take charge of our lives and seek out and create environments that make it easier to thrive, and break the patter of what all the old voices and old habits of conditioned society tell us we ‘should’ to. What all those voices tell us ‘is right’ and start listening to what ‘feels’ right. Listening more to that feeling. It isn’t obvious. And even just listening to the feeling doesn’t mean everything will go right. The first time i tried just trusting in the ‘feeling’ never even seemed to let me leave the house. I think I got more discouraged about trusting my ‘feelings’ after that. It didn’t seem to be the first time feelings had lead me astray. And yet all that goes back to the environment thing. once I got myself out of the house and into that environment where i could ‘grow’ like the flower. The energy started to flow. I went to meetups and concerts and places where people were having fun. That was how i taught myself to succeed society. And disconnected from the old advice the forced social skills and ‘be yourself’ stuff that wasn’t working. The ‘try harder’ thing that feels like motivation yet becomes endless and fruitless over months and years.

Much new information and research is already out there yet the struggle society now faces is the tendency to get stuck in a kind of ‘group think’ a classic psychology thing that is easy to overlook, the tendency to do what the group is doing, to do what others are doing just because others are doing it. Similar to having a kind of blind faith in ‘the experts’ and other authority figures just because they ‘should know’.

This research about the ‘light energy that travels between people’ opens up a new way to understand how we connect and what makes us feel fulfilled and happy. It comes from being with people yet it adds color and joy to all other aspects of our lives, our passions and joy.

The energy continues to last inside of us even after the social gathering is over. Not unlike charging a battery. In a way we are like organic batteries charging wirelessly when we hang together in groups. It sounds silly, yet looking at it this way has made things like socializing and going to parties immensely easier for me. Now I don’t even try. I just enjoy myself. It is something you have to get used to. But with practice it becomes very easy. You keep showing up and letting go of all the old assumptions that tell you you can’t. They come from the old ‘low energy’ conception of realty I used to be in. And now people want to talk to me. We are giving off the energy all the time, it is not a choice, just noticing it is there, now i can take more time to fully enjoy it. Unlike the force or something from DBZ the energy doesn’t give us super powers, however it does connect us more to people, and to me perhaps that is a superpower lol. You can mainly notice it with how you feel, such as ‘uplifted’. You have been noticing it all your life. I did. But I didn’t know that I could have more satisfaction more often. And it wasn’t about ‘working harder’ as I thought for so long. When I notice and feel the energy around people more I tend to seek out those places and environments that made me feel uplifted, the concerts or even just going to the park. I also began to change my perspective with home life, really accepting the goodness that was already there, taking more time to enjoy it. I found that enjoying what i already had, i was attracting more. Friends of friends would stop b, suddenly they saw me in a new way. It was about both acceptance, seeing the good in what already is, and being proactive about seeking those people and places that made me feel uplifted, fulfilled, that kind of healthy good feeling. That is the feeling of the deep vital energy filling you up. To be more nerdy you can call it ‘biophotons’. It is what I am now starting to call ‘Party Therapy’ the joy of being with others yet staying connected to yourself.

I go on the news and sometimes it starts to feel like even young children have something more to offer to the conversation because they are still creative and outside per-established assumptions, while we adults are stuck in the box. The world is changing so fast with the internet, google and youtube, information and cutting edge info is available on anything and everything in a way that is quick and easy to understand and comes at our desire and request. It is a kind of party therapy as well. If you are not using it to replace social bonds that is as I did years ago. The internet fills our generation with so much info, if you know how to use it in the right way that is, non addictive, thinking for yourself, spending most of your time experiencing the real world, the internet can keep you informed about all kinds of things. The problem is now not that we don’t have new solutions, but that we society as a whole is so attached to the old way of doing things that it can be hard to notice new information is even there. And this is really not the fault of any one individual.

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Our eyes alone possess an incredible power to help others relax, feel safe; central in this naturally occurring light exchange between people. Yet it is not just about the eyes but also the heart. It is about what we feel when we gaze that makes the gaze more satisfying, and the revelation that we can influence and change how we feel, with thoughts, with belief, with our own free will, mostly we can change simply by noticing a feeling is there, just noticing we can change it we already start to change…. We allow ourselves to feel comfortable with ourselves and then with various types of eye contact. I allow my eyes to move around and go where they want to go. It is important to know that we can take pressure off needing words to substantiate ourselves. So many modern modes of relation focus largely on intellectual concepts and words. The truth is we can in fact look at someone, anyone, in their eyes, without words needing to be exchanged, and this is vital and healthy. People just like the sense that someone is paying attention to them, they feel heard, it feels good and natural. Biolight travels at the speed of light, though it takes the heart time to absorb it.  I believe it may also be able to effect people from long distances such as 100 feet. For example one can feel and benefit from the energy of an entire crowd. It may be more effective at closer distances. This may sound like turning love into science. Yet I believe that this awareness of our bodies may reduce suffering and enable us to thrive.

“Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

The Dalai Lama

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The heart plays a significant role in the body in addition to pumping blood. It is key in powering this energetic biolight system in the body. “The heart generates a powerful pressure wave that travels rapidly throughout the arteries much faster than the actual flow of blood.” (Rollin McCraty) “The magnetic component of the heart’s field, which is around 5000  times stronger than that produced by the brain, is not impeded by tissues (muscles, skin, organs) and can be measured several feet away from the body (with Superconducting Quantum Interference Device (SQUID) based magnetometers.)” (The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Interactions Within and Between People Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.)   In addition to the brain, the heart and the gut actually contain neurons. This heart intelligence informs the brain more then was previously understood. Our feelings or intuition are an evolved decision making system. When we learn to trust our feelings without fear they can guide us to what is needed both individually and collectively. Feelings of the heart can actually be felt physically by other people near us. If someone has an anxious heart it can actually be uncomfortable for a person ten feet away if they are also anxious or in energetic drain. If someone is feeling a natural or un-efforting satisfaction, this can be felt and is attractive to someone ten feet away and more, and is also healing to another with an energetically drained heart. The energetically satisfied heart is not only less effected by anxiety of others it is healing to them. Without a full heart the mind is more easily encumbered by fear and self doubt. Constantly thinking in search of complex solutions, but never satisfied.  Physical contact, a touch on the shoulder, hugging, is also an important way of generating energy and connection with people. A socially isolated person may feel threatened by touch. Prolonged social isolation, stillness, and time in dismal environment is actually draining to the human body. Experiments on monkeys showed that if you remove a monkey from it’s environment; if you take a monkey away from the other monkeys, but continue to feed it, it will actually die. It was said that monkeys who were given a soft object to hug survived the social isolation, but they were still considerably weaker then the monkeys who remained in their natural habitat.  Social isolation will make someone physically week, fragile. In light of this we should move in at a general and gradual rhythm, adjusting differently depending on the person. Being cautious with an isolated person so they feel safe.

We can also exchange biolight with animals. It is possible that a larger person may emit more then a smaller person, a young man may emit more than a baby. The fully mature heart emits more. A happy person will emit more then a small cat (of similar emotional state). But a cat may emit more then a depressed person. At the same time babies and children will emit a lot because they instinctively know to make eye contact and feel free to play; social insecurity in society has not yet set in. Children and young people will often emit a lot of biolight because their bodies are very healthy and they feel free to express play (thus releasing the stress in their cells). Knowing about biolight and play can restore youth to a degree. We can use this awareness to get more out of relationship, and be with people that help us feel good.

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I used to think that other people, girls I liked, peers I wanted to meet, ‘had the love,’ the ‘bright eyes’. We’ve all felt or seen it. I would sense it from people. All my life I was expecting the other person to ‘show the love’. I thought if someone didn’t that meant they didn’t like me. But now I see the ‘bright eyes’ more as a phenomena that arises between people. I was putting too much pressure on the other expecting it from them. It was never there’s to give. The ‘bright eyes’ is something that arises over time between two or more people.

I think trauma exists in the world on a bigger level then we even realize, and often we are compactly unaware of it. We tend to think ‘we’ have a problem, and everyone else has it ‘figured out’. That is in itself part of the ‘trauma prescriptive’. Part of that trauma perspective is not even knowing the trauma is effecting you. We feel disconnected. Like others are more outgoing and magnetic then we can ever hope to be. But when you heal that ‘feeling’, things start to shift. It is as simple as ‘enjoying the vibes’. but that can feel scary, you get used to failure, you start to expect failure, expect the hurt. But there might be a feeling inside you that tells you can get more connected, the ‘how’ isn’t totally obvious, but the feeling shows you how. and it is that feeling is like the ‘receptor’ that guides you to where the ‘vital energy’ is. the biophotons so to speak.

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‘Biophotons’ makes you think of little particles. But really it is like a river, flowing between people, and circulating through your own body. like a love loop. a feedback loop. it circulates and grows stronger with each circulation. Weather it is the relationship between your mind and your heart, or the relationship between you and others, let it be a loving one. When you love yourself, that is the starting place to open the energy to love others. Yet keep in mind that we are a community organism, and if you try to love yourself too much in the safety of your own isolation, you start to feel cut off. It is valuable to learn how to be around others, yet not feel the need to ‘conform’ to exactly what they are doing and saying and how they are doing and saying it. It is possible to be around others and enjoy their company, whiteout really conforming to a single thing, if you so desire, you have to go at your own pace and do what feels right for you, and at the end of the day, that’s what makes others happy to, if others feel that you are happy they will feel happy too.

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This social benefit is healing to us all. With time and practice, day after day it begins to feel more natural and instinctive to simply receive this ‘human light energy’ in the group. This is what I at first was calling the ‘love instinct’. To seek love attention and connection for the pure joy of it, for the good feeling it brings. Over time doing this the heart and mind actually self rewires so to speak, you thoughts and feelings become naturally reoriented towards seeking energy and joy and fulfillment from people and eye contact and things like laughter and the warm feelings this all brings. Feelings that become almost impossible to find when connection becomes replaced with material pleasures. Over just minutes and hours our heart and cells are charged with it. We become ‘fulfilled’ ‘uplifted’ ‘naturally high.’ (Naturally Social)

MAY 2021 UPDATE

MAY 2021 UPDATE:

thank you so much to those who donated last year. the 152 $ was useful food money for a few weeks. i was surprised to get so much right away thanks to two people. but that is in the past now.

sorry this is a boring post about money.

it’s been a year now since the gofundme post and nothing has changed. it is made more ironic by the fact that my family is fairly well off but they don’t see my health problems as concerning and haven’t supported me in years. even in terms of helping me network to promote my book or my other talents. the family connection is not good. i did get some Christmas money. i am looking into a new job but it could be months before that pays off.

until then it has been and will be hard. i want to enjoy the summer. be creative. i convinced myself when the summer came things would finally get better. my joy is connected to my creative process. but often my creativity is put on hold over small amounts of money. silly amounts of money like 10 or 20$.. effect my ability to buy food or the occasional house appliance. for example it took me almost a year to get a microwave. i ended up having to borrow one from a good friend. i have slightly less then what i need for food each week. and sometimes i need more then food. however various frivolous loopholes prevent me from getting on either “food stamps” or what they refer to as “disability” from the government. i am still trying. it involves tedious discussions with a psychiatrist.. often delving off topic into a sales pitch for various medications.. the process is bureaucratical. and the government isn’t that interested in our health. unless they “have to”, unless there is some kind of a “strong official push”.

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/8ayqm-healthy-life/edit/story

while i have many concerning health problems around chest pain that have lasted for years, without an official “diagnosis” there is nothing they or anyone can do without years of further debate, often going off topic. trying to sell me various medications, most of which i’ve already tried at some point. i am working with too people and the disability thing really could work.. but it will take a year at the minimum. maybe even two from now. even small donations are appreciated.. to get creative.. writing.. doing art.. and posting again on my blog. so many books… unfinished projects. everything gets halted when i need some critical thing and can’t even spare the 10 or 20 bucks. it matters. all donations are appreciated. there is so much i want to share with the world. eventually the new job and the disability will kick in, and money may not even be an issue. but that could take a year. and for now even small donations save me weeks or even months of time. the difference between “waiting”.. and “living”. it feels scary to have so many talents and capabilities, but struggle this much over things that could be resolved with a simple 10 or 20 bucks.

I’ve tried just about everything in terms of making money. trying to promote my book. changing the prices. editing my books. using “patron”. selling my art. online surveys. supposedly you can make money doing “online surveys”. yet i am constantly rejected from these online surveys.. for reasons because i “don’t own a car” or “a house”. and because i don’t buy frivolous products like alcohol and skin cream. it is ridiculous. if i was buying all that extraneous material stuff i wouldn’t be scrambling to make an extra 2$ online. as they say it is “expensive to be poor” and it seems like you already have to be pretty well off even to make these small amount of money online.

there is a chance my life may “eventually” get better. but if you want to help me to live and thrive more now, so i can be creative and “give back” all that i have to share, if you have any extra money, consider a small donation. if not for me. do if for the art. for the information. for the stuff i can share and give back. even though my problems with chest pain are intense and have been going on for years, because i am so young and my problem has no “official” text book diagnosis, it is almost impossible to get on disability. generally disability is given to people much older in their 60’s or 70’s because it is considered “normal” for them to have health probelms. in a young guy like me in his twenties and thirties, everyone wants to “believe” in me, so they put it.. and yet by doing so.. by “believing” in me, and my abilty to thrive physically on my own without money support, there is this huge impossible pressure. i am unable to get the consistent financial help i need and have needed these past six to seven years. i swear i have 5 half finished book and almost 200 unfihsed blog posts. yet it is hard to work on the fine details. to acuatlly see things throguh. all on account of this silly money thing. there is this huge amount of work i am trying to finsh. but the silly money thing has been delaying and backlogging my life by entire years.

the medical estabilitment is layed back in there comfortable postitoin and more intrested in fitting you into a list of preexisting catigories rather then helping you with what is acutally happenign to you. they aren’t intrested in my story. doctor vistits often only last about five moniutes where they “conclued” taht nothing is wrong. not ot mention havign to wait hours in a watiing room just for this five minute dignosis. i hope soon to get an acaul edtior to help me on my books so they can reach a “higher production value” or weatehver the proper term is for it. to htey can be trually finshed. even the books i released years ago still have this unfished air to them, simply becuase i have not been able to afford things like an editor or a publisher. my life is full of things like this that could pay off, but can’t even get off the ground over small amonts of money. while my parents are well off i have no connection to them, i live on my own and make 50% a week as a kind of “volenteer”. after my battle with chest pain i was concerned i would never work again. thankfully i have found this part tiem work. but the pay is so minscule that it compounds negativity on my heaht. i am not able to do anything that invovles money. so i feel like a hermint. a guy who lives in a cabin in the woods.

in the past four to five years i have live in many such “communites” where it is not “officially” a job.. so they don’t even have to pay me minim wage. often i make half minim wage or less. the benfit is a have a low cost place to live, there are some free meals, i can work part time in a way that doens’t put strain on my health. however i make next to nothing.. and over the years this becomes concerning. sometimes everything is fine for a few months. but any time i need to purches any kind of anything. a towel. a microwave. a pillow. drawing paper. pencils. it is a nightmare. i rely a lot on gifts from my family for cloting. but it takes away my sense of freedom. which is not concered that important in our society. i imagine our govment feels porud. they can get a lot of work out of people. while paying them very little. but in relity. you don’t get good work done that way. no one really benfits. and hte probelm is so unreal. that people don’t want to belive it. you want to belive that our modern soicety is above this kind of thing. taht people could never suffer this much in our modern system. but then one day it hits you. your body stops working. and then you see how priimitve our soicety still is. the goemrent doens’t care. some people are so rich. and other can beartly survive. i feel happy when i am writing and doing art. but the money thing.. is like this splinter in my mind. it is hard to fucus. i find ways to survive on very little. but somehow it feels like i am “letting the bad guys win” whatever that means. so even writing this post is my way of “being honest”. and not keeping it to myself. i have suvivied so much. and to continue to suffer over such small amounts of money. that is where i hit a breakign point with our soicety. some people call it “Late Capatisim”. essentially a system that is automated and greedy, not really concerned with the poor, yet at the same time blaming them for it’s probelms. we operate under the image and illusion of independence, while at the same time countless people never stood a chance, (for example people who are pressured into a life of crime or jaled into being poor.) i don’t know what to call it, this system and the part of it that doesn’t work. but it isn’t effective.

at my place of work i spend the hours folding letters to mail in envelops, or doing data entry. doing garden work. i feel good about that work. good that i am still able to work. it can be boring. but meditative. and i have found a quantity of work that feels doable for me. it clears the mind and the spirit. i feel good about the work itself, but then still i come back and there is almost no money. and that is where it gets frustrating. often it feels like i am “holding on tight” waiting for the weekly payment. seems like i live on a shot leash and spend a lot of time waiting on small payments. to top it off, i have friends here. but because we all work at this community we aren’t allowed to “hang out” after work. it breaks the work protocol. so my social life suffers too. and i am bound to this campus without a car. similar to other places i have lived at.

a friend offered me to join him on a vacation, but i have to wait here, because there is a chance this new job will pan out in the coming months. but still i don’t like to just “waist” another summer… waiting for the job. the money thing has becasucal become a trauma in itself these last years. somtimes the bank delays paymens by weeks, for wehatever realson payblems get delyaed. my empolers act like “stay positive, it’s not a big deal”. but to me, it is pressure on an old wound. just wasting more of my life on behalf of small amounts of money. and one day i will have a good job, and diabilty, enoth money to feel relaxed and healthly enough to do my art. and then i can really do my passion, and even pofit off it. and that is the dream. one day it will become a self fulfilling cycle. but until then it is like being “too poor to make money” it is like an oxymoron. much like the way people won’t higher you unless you have “previous experience.” i have all these talents yet have been stuck on the wrong end of the cycle. after my battle with chest pain i am proud to now be “walking amoung the living” so to speak, i show up, talk to people, make jokes around hte office, get work done. people are impressed by me. i have reasonable hours. that i can keep up withotu getting tired. which has not been true in the past yeras. previous commuites would seuceuld my entire day full of requred events yet not even pay me beyond a small allowce of a few dollars. this community is better no doubt. but it isn’t not a place that is “geared to me”. becauslly just the only option i had. i needed a place to live. working full time puts pressure on my chest issue.

i am starting to write up the whole story of it all in a book called the “real life of Zwiebel”, that is one of the five unfished books i have going. also i have a fantasy book i am excited about called “Mad Profit” kind of a metaphore for all the confusing and mileading advice and impressions we get from society.. but it is not clear if it is “book 1” or “book 2” or where it falls in my series. everything feels disorganized in my life. it is a big acomphsmnet to be working again. i have a lot of these probelms you see with elderly people. like often my bladder doens’t work. i have the chest pain. i get phsyically exhusted for no reason, despite begin an aware and hihgly helth concious person. i suspect it is connected to the really serious case of lymes disease i had as a kid. i am starting to belive that if you had lyems once it can have a “second wind” later in life. even after the disease is flushed out it can take a “chunk” out of the bodies phyiscal stamna. you may feel find for twenty years and then “suddely” it feels like you are giong to die. that is the only thing that can expalin the reason everything was great and then suddnly i was having serious health probelms out of nowhere. like i was living on borrow time. living on a clock. to me this is a good explaion. i can think of other reasons. other fatcotrs that could have defintly influced myself. such as as humans i have come to learn, in more reaceont yeras, how much reltationship plays a role in our health. i belvie peopel with strong relatinhips are healther and live longer. there is probably reserach to back this up. the relatnhips in my life have often been not that strong. and by the time my relatinship skills had imporved my heatlh had gotten dractically worse. and everyone belived i was simply unmotiavted. so that didn’t help.

i have had over 10 diffrenet attempts at romatnic relatnihp that never got past the first or second date. i didn’t have many strong rolemodles growing up. my family worked a lot. and my family tried to pass off whatever struggles i had meeting people as some kind of “mentail illuness”. it always felt cult like. like they had bought into some kind of psudo science, even to my young mind. it was like this cloud over me. i was smart. but they placed me into speical edcuation. stuff like this, undermined my efforts to be freinds with my pears. it made me look like one of the speical kids growing up. the batle growing up of being isolated and being placed in spical classes, it impacted my confidnece gorwing up and even later into life. much of my life revoed around people i wanted to be close to but was not close to. i lived this shadow kind of life, represssed emotion, almost salker life. to me teh stalkers were people like me, who had just been puhsed even futher over the edge. i seemed normal on the surface. but things were not normal. mentally i was always fine. but emontally things were not good for a long time. life was sipmly lonely. and having a parent who constnatly tries to pass off your lonliess as some kind of a mental disfunction.. that was hard to. i wasted a lot of time trying to “prove” to mom and her assocaites that i was “neurotypical”.. but that is a waste of time, if someone has made up there mind about you, you have nothing to prove to them. the whole thing never felt very helpful to me somehow. it was just depressing. i never had any probelms wiht my mind. mostly the issue was that i didn’t “feel it” with people. or they didn’t “feel it” with me. i think it is quite simple, you are isolated so long that you become numb, ghost like, your life revoves around trying to “prove yourself” to get notice, to “get famous”.. socniety pushes us in this direction, you can’t get noticed unless you are talented. it complicates the issue. telling us something is wrong with our brains. when really we need to learn to feel again.

oftne feeling so lonly for all these years has motavted me to do extreem things. like running 11 miles, or meditating for 5 hours or longer. i’ve learned a lot of this from my own reserach, about what happend to my health. working is an acomplshment for me, considering i have days when my bladder dosn’t even work. i have a carful method of keeping everything in working order. the mony thing is alaways a huge pressure. and people often don’t see how much of an acomplshment it is for me to be working agian.

often it seems like there is usually some new theropst who wants to pigen hole me into some “mendital distoerder” or lable me as simple being an over-thinker… lable me with some amature kind of probelm and then say “job well done” on there part, for illumating this to me. oftne they don’t see the battle i have survived.

I heard somehwere that when cahaptism was first being intruduced the rich treid to “glorify” a life of poverty as a “humble” life. we have been packaged poverty as a source of humility, and a motivation to rise up and suceed by our own “bootstraps”. Capatisim paints an inspiring portrait of “independence”, people who rise up from nothing and become famous, while for many we sipmly never stood a chance. the reality is everyone is pressured to dream of being famous, while constnatly stepping over each other. everyone works hard, yet only a few reach there dreams. the people who found there dreams got there by working hard. but the catch is, so did everyone else. for every hard worker who achaived there dreams, there were countless other hard workers who didn’t. smart creative people who got screwed over by random chance. my life was on track twords something hopefully good, when out of nowere i was on vastion and came down with serious chest pain. however the doctors never could find anyting wrong. adn even my own family insisted i was just having “soical anxiety” or soemthing. i was having stabbing chest pain for months and even years, and they treid to pass it off as me simply being “on the spectrum”. i get that nothing came up on my heart scan. and that really sucked that they weren’t able to find the probelm and help me. however i do not agree wiht the way my family handle it.

if we had a stornger relatnihps.. i know we would have kept pushing for answers and a solution. a way to get the support i needed. insted life at home was a constant argumant. and i was eveually thrown inot a serious of cult like “therapeutic communities”, forced to undergo years of meanth hearth theropy i never needed, desipted being in good shape mentialy and emotianlly. my only real probelm was that i coudn’t work full time. these communites treated me like a “schizophrenic”. to be a schizophrenic you have to hallucinate and hear voice. i never once had either of these probelms. never once in my life did i ever imagine things that weren’t real. but the doctors conduct a steam roller operation, they churn the wheel, get results, make money. they are interested in getting results, assigning a lable and placing you in a program, “filling the beds.” getting new clients. they want results, not truth. to them they were quickly willing to pass off my problems as meerly being “schizophrenia”. forcing me to take all kinds of toxic meds for years that made the probelms infintly worse.

and as for my rant about capaltism. to be clear. i fully belive that a soceity is possible where people are payed more for ordienary jobs. an “increased minism wage” but it could only work if the rich were on board with it. in this society a certain amount of money would be seen as a nessesicty, freedom would be seen as a nesecity in addition to food and shelter, hoever to be clear, almost paradoxitly, large amounts of money would be discoraged, large amounts of money would have to be dissociated from happines. in our current soicety fame and owning large numbers of friviousle mateiral goods is storanly associated wihtw happines. when i talk about money. i am not talking about indlungece. i am simply talking aobut “having enough”. whatever that means. it could probely be caldulated down to an exact amount we would try to hoaver around.

the way it is now.. my bone to pick is that some people have more money then they can ever need. and some people have very little. the goal is in no way to assocaite large amounts of money with happines. the goal is simply to have enough. and the two go hand in hand. my concern is that if we try to “incresae minimue wage” we would have some kidn of inflation or deflatinion of the money itself, the money would devaule, because the riche coprarations would still be in control, and would sipmly charge more for their proeucts, assuacitng there happines with there position of money and power. the rich would agree to the increse of minumge wage, and then minupulete the value out of the money, they would agree on the surface, but emointally they would hold on to their state of total power. for a more equal spread of money in society, we would have ot attack it from both sides. insreasindg minumge wage would not be enough. we would need to have some kind of deep and profound education about why being “filthy rich” is acutally toxic to society itself, soically and psycologically toxic, being rich would no longer be something admiraible to strive for or admire.

as a soceity we would have to put a higher value on nautre, beyond the literal nessecities of having food and shleter, freedom woudl also have to be seen as a nesicety, such as the freedom to take a trip with your friends, or choose between one grocirey store and another. people are so poor, they may have food, but they don’t have choices. and the loss of freedom is not taken seriously by our society. those at the top value cheep labor. but in reality cheep labor prduces more hollow marital products that don’t actually make anyone healthy or happey. the soicety as a whole becomes unhappy. and even those at the top don’t benefit.

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/8ayqm-healthy-life/edit/story

the Art of Nirvana

This is some artwork from my epic fantasy “Nirvana Saga” (the sequel story to “Demon Savior.” a decade older (unreleased) work from my years growing up.) Nirvana Saga is more reflective as a metaphor for my current life. The story has been this unintended spinoff, starting as a “bonus” Novel about the afterlife, it has turned into a full fledged series about a mad angel who harvests the suffering of countless souls. this sequel story about Nirvana, bubbling in my head for years. now more fleshed out. it has mostly been ideas and writing, and not visual. where Demon Savior began with Art. Video games. Animations. it was all visual. Nirvana saga has only existed in writing for years. but little by little. here and there… I made a sketch. gave a face to the characters that i saw so clearly in my head.   finally so others could see them. i started this story, and got the inspiration for it during a difficult time, that is the reason the art for it was not available till years later. now can we start to see the world fleshed out in visual detail.

Sivlith Lumentiah. the mad scientist. He prefers a gothic aesthetic. Former right hand man of Zysheomist, the Demon Lord. Sivlith returns now, unexpectedly, as an unlikely hero in this new War for Nirvana. the War against Armas, the tyrannical angle. Sivlith is a force to reckon with. Praised by many to be the “smartest man” in all the universes. his mind is a weapon to be feared. in his mind, he has deduced and deconstruct the possible truths behind the enigmatic Armas. he has put his incredible intelligence to this task of knowing Armas, and ending the invincible angel once and for all. He has already begun his hidden assault against the supposed “God” all mighty Armas. Sivlith is the brains of the operation. the formulator of plan Zeathean and his warriors will follow, and eventually Lyra herself, becomes the muscle who acts according to his direction. But Sivlith doesn’t want Lyra to suffer. he has a secret plan to end Armas all on his own. He doesn’t believe that the war can be ended just with physical strength. he has applied his mind to get to the real truth of how Armas can steal the energy of others.

Armas. the tyrannical angel. the man himself. Handsome. Angelic. yet a monster hides behind his smiling face.

Sivlith close up. A man who always has a plan. Dark truths weigh on his mind.

Lyra Summerstrom. the heroin of our brave new world. An ordinary, quarky, yet highly charismatic girl with an unexpected hidden power that will shake Nirvana to its core. in this scene she is “powering up” for her epic face off against Armas towards the end of the series. she is fully awakened. now pushing the spectrum of “God power” further then it has ever been taken. countless souls lending their power to her. in a telepathic network. so she can be the natural antidote to the unnatural monstrosity of Armas. A “glamor shot”. as my friend called it. Really captures the best of her.

 

Origins of Armas. who is the boy in the mask?

Cute Lyra. Lyra chews on fruit.

 

Golden Pyramid of Goddess Helexia. Helexia is  a legendary guardian of Nirvana who once fought Armas 3 trillion years ago, and almost won. The pyramid is very large, miles wide, so large that a city is built on top of it. All these people have gathered here… said to have been drawn in by the energy of the Goddess who apparently still lives today.

Vira’s Tower. Fortress of Evil. aka Nirvana’s Thorn. Reaching 9 kilometers into the sky. designed by the greatest dark architects from across Nirvana. freshly commissioned by the new queen of evil.

Vira Hellstar. the apprentice of Armas. and now successor to Armas. the new dark lord. She is the star of those who warship pain. she was wronged by those of the mortal world. and now seeks her revenge, here in the afterlife. Said to be the strongest  individual person in Nirvana. a power said to be beyond God level 9. Trained by the legendary Armas. unexpectedly, she betrayed him. She is now the one to fear. the real terror of Nirvana. She is the one Armas hoped to produce. A fresh young soul to carry and renew his vision of revenge. She is .. the destiny of evil.   They come from all around Nirvana. They bow before her. her power. her beauty. it is a gift just to be near it. She is a chosen one. Who will take revenge.. for all those who are cursed and broken. Vira is the nemesis, the shadow of Lyra Summerstrom.

I have this image of “Lyra in Exile”. A Lyra with a heavy, “energy dampening” cloak over her. to mask her power. she is now a battle hardened ‘high tier’ God level fighter at this point. yet still losing against the undefeatable Armas. she must go into hiding. this is a “later in the series” image. a later stage in the war with Armas. A fully awakened Lyra is frustrated.. still unable to win.. and must go into hiding.

Zo. Zoklasha. “the one”. aka “mom”. a dark force behind Armas. is she his alternate personality? a voice in his mind? a voice Armas speaks to when he feels trapped in a corner. maybe a manifestation of child trauma? a clue to his past.   or is she a separate being entirely? the one behind the curtain, a puppet master behind the figure head Armas?!   Perhaps she is the mind that controls the Nethertwine itself. Armas’s soul sucking source of power, now self aware. it’s own person come to life.    who is this person? who is “mom”? what is she? and is she stronger then Armas himself?

https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/zack-zwiebel I am using this page to post art going forward.

 

 

facing the fear

I don’t try to convince myself I am not afraid. And that everything is ok. I can’t “tell” myself what is. and what is not. Ultimately…. truth can not be “told”. at the end of the day It can only be felt. So Instead. I notice the fear. Allow the fear. Face the fear. Don’t fear the fear. It is like “fear on top of fear”, I once described it. Fear fighting fear inside me. Fear itself is not your enemy. Fearing fear. that is control. Let in the fear. Allow it too happen. Let the universe show you the way. It feels like a mistake. Like weakness I should not have. Why am I afraid. Does this even make sense. I don’t want to recognize this truth about myself. that i am so week as to be afraid even under normal circumstances. so i block it out. ignore it. Yet letting it is the only way to learn from it. I feel afraid. I feel a calling to be something more. yet am afraid to take it. It is something i can’t know. yet i feel it so clearly. To ground yourself, and connect to something even deeper, to begin to get underneath it, to understand it as a feeling, as a series of events in time and space, and not just as words in my mind. It may change you. the triggers of the fear, they may seem random, but to notice it, the forces around you that create fear, may mean opening yourself to something you have not understood about yourself before. to see something deeper about yourself. how it effects they way you respond to things.
my mind has many solutions and ideas. which one is right? for many weeks months and even years i have wondered. it is almost as though i have too many right answers. many good answer, yet i can’t remember them all. which one is the one i need now? i am good at inventing solutions. but suddenly none of them feel right. the floating mask is also like my shadow self. the me in me that gets in the way. the me i could turn out to be “should i fail” and chose fear. the tentacles that come out of the back of the blank mask. the face represents someone who has no identity. And the tentacles show how this person is “plugged in”, they take joy from the outside, who relies on external things to be happy. so much so that it has become automated. i have all these solution’s. 1 2 and 3. yet it is only because i have turned away from the fear. turned my mind away from what i am feeling. the fear is represented by a face. aka “facing the fear” the face of the fear. the face also represents the person i want to be. and the person i am afraid i will not become. it is so much more then what i can put into words. on the left the little bubbles represent my efforts to control the situation. they seem organized and cute. but they end up becoming very distracting. very illusive. they only pull me away from my truth. revealed to be ultimately nothing more then words. I have dived into my mind, and turned away from the events in life and the events around me. i gaze into hypothetical worlds of things i “could do” and “could have done”. I explore past archives, and become more and more lost, when what i need is to be in the present moment. In my dreams i search my old room, hoping to find something important, yet finding nothing but an old shoe. strange.. Why was it so importation that i look for that? When i face the fear. the feeling. the visual elements, the non verbal stuff that exist before and beyond thoughts words and human langues. the truth of it all. the currents of emotion that run underneath the words. when i look at that feeling. suddenly my mind goes quite. there is nothing left to think about. nothing left to now. Sometimes I sketch images like this. These two were the most helpful. out of hundreds. simple yet effective. it is a kind of “mind map”. I try to draw out what seems to be going on. “What is natural?” I ask myself. After lots of thinking, i am no closer to the truth of this. Finally. I step out of the way. and allow nature to heal me. that has been the best think i can do i have realized. Step out of the way. and allow nature to heal you. In my dream i am trying to mentor a friend who struggles with a complex problem. but as i speak i notice there are contradictions in my thinking, they seem to grow in number and it is hard to clearly explain “the way” to him. then i am interrupted. and when i return. he has found peace. without my help. he is happily engaged in conversation. nature found a way. and i didn’t intervene. how can i become better at not “intervening” in natures process. not trying to control the flower of life that wishes to bloom all by itself. the creative river that flows when i am true to myself. how can i allow nature to do the work. without getting in the way? without thinking and second guessing. My whole life has felt like one big intervention from some outside force. I came into this world learning many stilted and unnatural habits. Learning to accomplish through effort and will power. to succeed by ignoring my feelings. It is even more true then, that I find ways to not stop the process. to allow nature to thrive. without altering, calculating, controlling, editing, and second guessing. Why do bad things happen. I wonder. how can i know the answer to that? why do i want or expect there to be an answer. does it even matter? i am full of regret. the chaos it to much for me to control it all. yet i feel like i should be able to. the pain is too great. .and i know i am not ready to face it. life hits me with things i know i am not ready for. yet i feel there is a way. i have to let go of my mind. let go of control. There are regrets. many feelings. if only life could just be easy. what is the real lesson here? it is good to slow down and make time for these questions. there may be no answer. can i live with that? can i move forward in life without needing a simple answer? Who am i in relationships to this fear. what does it feel like to be me again? when the fear has taken hold for so long. such a long history of letting the fear win. allowing it to make my world small. How has the fear been limiting who i am. and would the fear go away, if i was simply to spend more time being myself. feeling what it feels like to be free again. not needing a reason to be free. but simply being free. There are many confusing choices ahead. But in all choices. put your health first. This is what i am learning. Health comes first, in all areas of life. and that is a feeling. the feeling lets me know what is working and what is not. I am leaning not to control. To “let the situation play out” in all it’s complexity. Whatever that situation may be. Often many traumas are layered together in this giant vortex of ongoing trauma in life. Each time i have a small victory i want to quantify it. To give it a name. a label. So i can use it again. I want a cure to the vortex. But the vortex is always in motion. Life has many moving parts. I expand my awareness and i weigh my options. what is working. what needs to change. Sometimes i find that i choose a difficult solution in favor of an easy one. i have grown up all my life learning that hard work is the way to get results. So it is actually not natural for me to accept an easy answer for a new problem or situation. Because it is so normal, and because it doesn’t make sense, i may not realize that i am doing this. that i am choosing a harder solution to a more solvable problem. Sometimes an easy answer can be the right one. it feels like i have to write books to be happy, but sometimes just a few paragraphs does something to the energy. shifts my awareness and puts me in touch with myself. it isn’t about the quantity. it is about being honest with how i feel and what is getting in my way in the bigger picture. as in who i am as a person. my physical body and my health. i am unblocking the energy. And i have to keep reminding myself to pause. To create space. To not try to control the situation. To quantify it all into a single word. As unintuitive as that may be. To get in control, by giving up control. To let go of the answer and the knowledge. to recognize that often they are not the solution and in fact an act of control, the very thing that is holding me back. and let nature heal me. heal itself.

Chapter 4 – So Cool

an excerpt from “Nirvana Saga”

from “Book 2 – the Mad Profit”

Chapter 4

So Cool

     Zeathean and Lyra go for many hikes out in the endless magnificent landscapes of New Nirvana. Lyra is leaning against a tree eating a large pink fruit, taking a break from the hike. Zeathean is just watching her. In truth, every time he looks at her, he gets chills running through his entire body. ‘I can’t believe it, it’s like I can’t believe that she is even real.’ Zeathean thinks to himself. She is unreal. This girl is too cool to be real. For decades, I thought that Lyra Summerstrom was just a fiction, I thought she was a daydream, a fantasy, I had concocted in my lonely mind. She came to me in dreams, yet never in the real. I thought I was going crazy, to believe that this girl could really exist.

I believed she was not real. But the truth is, she is here, and she has been real, all this time, and now I can see it. The feeling is overwhelming and beyond explanation. The way I feel… every single time I look at her. I waited 1000 years to meet this girl, and I feel like a could wait 1000 more just to get one step closer to her. Just to be on her level. There is something about her that is just so …. cool.

She is always proving to be even more than I imagined. Everything I have ever done has been for a chance to get closer to this girl. Even my quest to destroy Armas, it has all been for her.

Lyra is a paradox, I can never understand her… yet she is here, she is gentle, and she is good. Every soul is a paradox… “free will” is a paradox. It is ironic, to try and understand free will. To know the will of a soul through logic. because a soul’s freedom is a paradox. A paradox is the absence of logic; it can never be understood through logic. Lyra is like a hurricane of love, she is a storm of joyful enthusiasm. She is wild compassion. She is overflowing with abundant affection. She is a ‘summer storm’. Lyra Summerstrom.

I feel that right now, I could transform into the ‘dark vortex’ the monster inside me that I used to battle Armas those years ago. God level 3. I could summon God level 3 right here right now, and this girl wouldn’t be afraid. She isn’t afraid of anything. She can face all the darkness in my heart, and she wants it. She wants to know the deepest part of me. I could turn into the dark vortex, and this girl, she would chew me up and spit me back out like no big deal. And that is exactly what I would want her to do. She is a total badass. There is something about this girl, that is just, so, … cool.

So expressive and emotive and alive in every moment. She has some kind of mastery over love and light itself. The truth is… many people confuse what we call ‘God energy’ (a powerful energy of soul) with love itself, yet they are not quite the same thing, and sometimes love and God energy can be very different. In a way, Lyra goes beyond the God energy spectrum, there is some quality about her. Like love itself. She emanates this pure feeling of love. Her power can be measured at God level 2.3, my power is God level 3, yet God energy is a measure of power and past life suffering, it is not a measure of love. Lyra has some kind of strange connection with people, with nature and with love itself. Lyra is always teaching me, I am always learning.

Lyra catches him gazing at her. “What!?” She says.

“I was just thinking about something really important.” Zeathean says coyly.
“Oh really?” Lyra teases emphatically.
“I want you to know the truth…” Zeathean begins with a slightly ominous tone. “I want you to know my deepest truth I have hidden for too long.”
“And what might that be?” She grins. Playing along. only half sure he is joking.

“The truth is… I like your face.” Zeathean says.

Lyra laughs. he is joking around of course.

“Oh, I see. What will i do with this information?” she says with this big goofy smile “How should i proceed?”

“Maybe you should take a closer look…” She says, leaning closer “just to help you decide if you really like what you see.”
Zeathean feels himself getting hot and his heart racing.
Zeathean moved closer to her.
Lyra grabbed Zeathean and pulled him in for a kiss.

To get the full story of “Book 1 Sunlight Conquest” about how Zeathean and Lyra meet, go to my ‘patreon’ and make a donation of your choosing. https://www.patreon.com/wildzwiebel For example 1 to 5 dollars. In addition receive a free copy of my prominent work “Playful and Worthy” about building strong relationship to self and others. It seems small but this will go towards helping me and my cause. Your support of donation is greatly appreciated in my state of poverty. As not having a long term place to live these last years has made completing this story very difficult. by the way this book has some “adult” content.

https://www.patreon.com/wildzwiebel

Saying “I like you”

I was getting along great with this girl for months at this work training program (kind of a big community-ish place.) She was one of the few really positive forces in the direct physical proximity of my little life here. Things were great for a long time… and I decided finally to get a little more bold.. and ask her on a date. I wasn’t sure what she would say by any means. I saw her all the time. It almost felt obvious at this point.. to ask. But man… her reaction. It was silence for about a day. Then finally she said “I’m not looking to date anyone right now.”

Ok.. that’s fine. I told her that was ok. “I’m not in a hurry to date anyone now either.” I say. The thing is.. often girls just say that to get rid of you when they have some other specific reason to not be attracted to you. I just wanted to know a little more. And even as a friend, i wanted to get to know her more, as I had been doing before. We talked more, it seemed constructive, we agreed to be friends. It all sounds mostly cordial and good in the messages. She gave more then one reason for not wanting to date. Mainly it was that she “needed time to work on herself”. She really rubbed in the “just friends” things a bit too much. “lets just be friends.. and nothing else” Ok, I get it. ….But she was just sacred.. guys pressure her, sure, yeah.. I try not to take it personal. I do my best to sound confident.. but I’m really not an aggressive person. I just don’t like to be blown off in one or two sentences without more of a conversation about what actually just happened. just because we are not dating doesn’t mean i don’t vastly enjoy her company, being her friend, the things we talk about, as i had been doing up until then. she was a positive force in my little life here.

but yeah. it continues. it seems ok enough in the messages, rather good actually, respectful, articulate. yet when i see her throughout the day.. she is like physically running away from me, there is this very bad vibe, just when i happen to pass by her during the day. Things are not the same. it’s been over a week and she reacts like something really bad has happened.. just because i gave this “implication” i liked her. She is actually very chubby. I never said that to her that of course lol. And really she is very happy all the time and curvy (lol), and an uplifting force in my life in general.. she seems good with animals and kids. she says kind insightful things in group. she looks kind of innocent and cute but just starts rattling off all these really mature sounding things and topics without batting an eye. she looks like a big cute happy kid who like dancing to pop songs and eating lollie pops. but she has worked in hospitals. she can speak about any topic. she is serious. I thought she was like a hidden gem because you don’t notice her quality right away, or rather it has grown on me a lot. I feel very positive around her.. Lots of people can be driven in life by a kind of a stress or trauma, however you call it. She is very natural. She just looks healthy you know. I really feel for anyone with trauma like myself.. yet it is also true for me it is really healing to find one person like that who seems so grounded or ‘in nature’ kind of all the time.

I thought she would see this as a compliment, that i asked her on a date. Even if she said no. I didn’t have an expectation.. that was for sure. But i had waited months.. and my main concern was that she might think i didn’t actually like her and go for someone else who just had the balls to be more direct with her. I liked her more.. so i was taking my time. but knowing there are other guys out there.. that effects your process.

You have the right to say NO

AND you have the right to repair the damage

(a right to let them know why

and to talk things out between them and you)

A year ago i was actually in California, and i had met more then one great girl in my time there. it was some kind of serious miracle. I was forced to move back to New York. I am not a big fan of New York really. I like it.. but it is not the right place for me, maybe for a year or a few moths.. but not a place to grow up in unless you are already really confided about the way you life is going. lots of people to meet here.. but they are all busy. it’s a kind of illness, the constant busyness. I need warm weather.. chill vibes.. beaches.. year round. I have enough challenges already. The cold busy life of New York.. i wonder how it shaped me growing up over the years.. kept me more isolated… always trying to become something better.. cultivating that feeling that i didn’t matter.. afraid to seek out new groups. Eventually i did.. but man a nice environment really helps.

Even my cousin moved back to her home state because she said she couldn’t meet anyone in New York. many people she came across seemed to put work before family and relationships, they were preoccupied… the drive to “success” you might call it. For them they probably thought it made them sound more active.. the ambitions.. the devotion to work.. for her she wanted a family man. someone who valued the simple things. All those fast talking smart New Yorker’s probably thought they were making a good impression.. but there was something more obvious and basic missing.. and it is hard to know it.. when it is so apart of you.. i grew up inside it.. in California things were “better enough” that it helps me to see more clearly that there was a different way. that life really could feel easy or natural in relationship. It was like I moving my inner “tree” into the sunlight, when for so long i had been growing crooked in the dark. But i couldn’t afford to keep living there.

My life in general is a mess. out of control.. but i have to see the best in it. I live in these chaotic community homes… one to the next. this one is better then the last. That’s why i really wanted a friend like this girl. Someone so natural and stable. There are a few other people here i feel that way about.. but they are like my “superiors”.. people i “work under” so it is confusing asking if they want to hang out. they don’t ask me to hang out. there is actually even a rule that i can’t ride in their cars so it is super awkward and a little sad. also sad that i work under people younger then me who feel like they are friends, but like I’m not even allowed in their cars. there are lots of group activities but that isn’t always my jam. You want to feel like you can do the things you want to in your free time… and a few people in the group are really off the walls. Like a few specific people talking loudly over other people or randomly circling around the room being distrating. So all that chaos.. and the need for something calm and powerful.. put more pressure on finding a friend like this girl. the one person who is normal to talk to.. and not my superior. Like this happy ball of sunshine that just randomly dropped into my universe. but i had to make a choice about weather to be honest about liking her. I thought it might help move things along. If she had been feeling shy.

This girl, she kept saying that she needed to “work on herself” but it has been months since her last break up. i was never like.. in a hurry to “get with her”, never like in a hurry to “bang” her or something lol. I’m the type of person who could be contended with just for the pure joy of being around a person. It can feel so good to just finally have the company of a cute girl on a consistent basis. but her response.. brings up questions… what freaked her out so much? Does she see me as a preditor? Does she think i am disgusting that she has to over her eyes from me and run?

Before i asked her on a date two weeks ago.. we were taking with some regularity, making eye contact, comfortable in close proximity thorough the day, it was great, consistent, natural.. until i told her i liked her. I told her a bit more about my self. and asked a few question to get to know a bit more about where she was coming from and it all felt pretty mature and good for for the most part. and now when i see her in person she reacts like she is disgusted by me. and what really gets under my skin is that when she talks in the workshops here.. she sounds quite wise and mature, I am impressed by her. She says she wants a relationship where she can “talk about trauma,” because that is healthy to do.

Society doesn’t teach people how to handle these situations. i mean just the way this has been handled was extremely traumatic. talk about trauma. It feels like my gut is telling me that if her response is this brutal simply to a guy liking her.. that she doesn’t really understand the value of the relationships that continue to come her way just because she is cute. Society will never tell her to handle it better or to be kinder. Like she gets relationship after relationship (with guys who end up cheating on her)… and hopes for something better.. but takes it for granted, that there will always be another one,  guys will be asking her out.. so she can brutally blow off someone for all time if the timing isn’t right. it’s one thing when it’s not a good time for her. but sometimes it is like they really just mean “never”. i told her i was learning things and could use time to work on myself to.. that i wasn’t in a hurry. This type of thing just happens way to often. there are a lot of people in my area… but this was the person i had serious ongoing chemistry with. In California there were way more girls. but it was never easy. I was single until i was 29. I dated a girl for a few months once.

But yeah what is with this pattern of getting close to a girl.. but then it is like she is devastated to find out that you like her… It feels really fucked up. Like i am not her friend at all now. and i hear her talk about it and it feels like everyone among her it telling her this is the right thing for her to do. we had good vibes before. i never -needed- to date her. i don’t need it at this moment. but i need to feel like girls find me attractive. it is very confusing.. when you do everything right and are single for 29 years. I can tell by how this girl talks that she has blown off other men this this cold sudden kind of way.. and she is upset that most of them get angry. when i handed it very cordially and kept up a dynamic soothing dialogue.. she still treats me like we are in high-school.. like running away.. like holding a grudge. it effects me.. because i have no friends in this area.. she was also a true friend here.. now it is like she would rather hang out with the local retarded guy, not that there is anything wrong with being retarded, but this guy is also really obsessions.. but she feels safe with him? because she knows he won’t ask her out? what the hell. she and i are like the most normal people at this place. i just needed a friend and got over excited i guess.

I don’t need a relationship with anyone. but it feels like i can’t even be her friend now. you would think it would have been a compliment. she has the right to say no. but it feels like she was so hurt by it.. and we should be able to talk about that. why it hurt. or even better.. simply change the topic.. but stay as friends. i really don’t have a lot of friends in my physical proximity right now.. and i was really vibing with her for a long time. she’s just the right kind of natural person that I need to be around right now.. even just as a friend. we humans have got to stick together. this life is hard enough. loneliness is real. that was really all i needed.. i was just afraid she would think i didn’t like her. and any day the irony is that some guy who likes her less then i do could have asked her out.. because he would have been less invested in the result of what she says. that’s where it got complicated. otherwise i could have kept being her friend far longer before saying a thing. she is kind of goofy and chubby and I really do like her and I thought maybe she didn’t think she was good enough. man the roles have reversed like 180. I can’t argue with it or get in the habit of trying to prove i am good enough. Everyone has the right to say no. it is a lot more confusing when you have been getting along with someone for a long time.. and you see them every day. It feels like it would bring more relief to talk through this type of thing. there is no reason why she needs to be afraid of me.. and we see each other all the time.. it just makes things more uncomfortable.. it makes me feel bad.. and she had potential to be a true friend. It’s annoying to have to regret telling someone “i like you” but if you never tell them.. you will regret that too.

It brings up a lot of questions. like if you ask a girl out. and feel a great vibe with her. and she tells you it is not a good time in her life. and then starts to feel really conflicted and uneasy just knowing that you liked her.. like maybe guilty, it probably brought up a lot of questions.. like things that went wrong in past relationships she isn’t read to even start to think about. but then some other guy asks her out a year later when it is a good time for her. when she has worked out her demons. and then it is true love forever. so much of love seems like circumstantial.. being in the right place at the right time. i have been aware of this even since i was much younger… like say 17. love feels very natural.. but like society doesn’t give us the right way to talk about it or make time for it. We want the same things.. but if the timing isn’t right.. it can go very wrong.. people who like each other could become almost like enemies.. because you don’t really talk to the other person.. you trigger each other.. one person feels worthless and rejected.. the other person feels pressured and controlled. you both could be in agreement. but you don’t know it because you are afraid to speak to the other

You just have to hope that it is the “right time” for someone.. and it all starts to feel so totally random.. but when you actually see the person like in reality.. beyond what society tells us.. you feel a real connection.. something that is real and healthy and important.. even just being there friend.. seems to attract more good things into life for both people. I find it hard to talk to her.. because she runs away. it freaks me out. that she is doing that. like an overreaction. i feel like because she is not talking to me.. she just be imagining something much darker is going on. like she can’t know what i am thinking. she probably thinks i am pressuring and controlling her.. not handling a rejection well. I was really happy just the way things were. it is really silly. it feels like not talking about it is creating way more pain. but society will tell her “you have the right to say no. you have the right to reject” but that isn’t the actual quetsino here. that is a distraction. how do you mend a friendship? how do you repair a connection to someone? Before this we had a positive mutually beneficial connection.. that had been sorly lacking in my life for a long time. us humans gotta stick together in this crazy world. For guys the term “just friends” hurts.. it hurts a lot. And it is something that should be spoken about honestly. but it doesn’t mean that we are “in a hurry to bang” or “need” to pressure a specific person into a relationship. “wanting” relationship doesn’t make you “entitled” but i feel like society seems seems to strongly imply that it does. it is hard.. but it feels like guys and girls should be able to talk openly about this type of thing. like we are hiding in our triggers and triggering each other.. when the irony of it all is that the two of us are actually in agreement.. but she is a bit younger then me.. she is more afraid.. she is afraid to talk to me.. won’t actually told to me.. so she is probably imagining that i am this guy pressuring her into something she doesn’t want. stuff that isn’t there. I don’t like to wait this out forever. but i feel afraid to just walk up and talk to her. too much bad ju ju. like this girl will literally run away and it will make it so much worse. what did i ever do to disserve this? lol

So i saw her today. She  was walking by. It had been on my mind a lot. Why was she afraid? had i really upset her? I got her attention .. she didn’t actually run away this time. she smiled or walked closer or something like that. I told her i was afraid i had upset her.. and that i felt bad about it. i waned her to know that i was in agreement with her that we could be friends, and that i had no ill wishes to her. that she didn’t have anything to fear from me.

And she said “yes everything is good. it’s good. we are in agreement.” something like that. it felt positive. my eyes met hers it felt good. it was almost too brief. she was walking to the office where the have lollipops. she has a habit of going there once or twice a day to get a pop. she seemed in a hurry to get there. like that pop was more excieting then i was.

this brought another question to mind. perhaps she wasn’t that troubled by me at all. was it possible that i was simply such in inconsequential element in her life that none of this had really even effected her. it felt like she had been afraid of me.. but maybe that was combining with the fact that she was simply indifferent about me. that was equally scary. she seemed in a hurry to get to that pop. but i felt great. it felt like we were in fact on good terms now. even it it was resolved in just two sentience. now i had got it off my chest. a better version of what i had meant to say seven days ago before she stopped reading my message.

i felt good. it felt like something had been repaired. it wasn’t even as wrong as i thought. now i didn’t have to read too much into her actions or expression. it might be natural or reflexive for her to want to look the other way.. know that she knows i like her.. that we had that conflict. her trauma is feeling pressured into relationships. my trauma is feeling rejected and lacking relationship. We have opposite traumas. We triggered each other. it is sad. that we have to be so different and oppisite. like tragic irony. But it was never really “personal”. and we are actually in agreement that we both could use a friend right now.. and that is more important then dating anyone. (LOL of course i do want a relationship as a guy who as been single the vast majoirty of his life.. obviously that is only natural.. but i mean i agree that i have no specific NEED for it to be her.. or for it to be “now”) It is normal that you may not want to date a person.. but i don’t think girls like her always realize that there can be intense hidden implications behind what she says that can leave people feeling hurt.. that’s why it is good to talk about it. for her it is not a good time. she has unloved business. but some guys are used to being alone.. used to rejecting.. it is hard not for it to feel personal. and at the end of the day.. even just the friendship with a nice girl can feel very rewarding if you have been single so long. And it can lead to you feeling positive and actually attracting relationships with more people.. having friends of the other sex.. it is not necessarily bad to be friends with someone you like. i mean.. sometimes i can like 5 or 10 different girls and be friends with all of them. it has happened before. and it feels very positive.. and you end up not focusing too much on anybody. guess what.. they are all taken. who cares. it still made my life better.

i feel good about it. it’s an improvement. i go onto facebook. she handed unfriended me so i felt that maybe what she said and what she felt could be different things. i clicked on her profile. I’m just broad. i don’t have that many friends her. i was thinking about relationship. and the connections i have here. at least i could feel good that i am her friend again. then i noticed it said “message (her name) if you know her”. she had unfriended me. she had actually unfriended me over this and i didn’t even notice. we had only just friended a few weeks ago. that was so extreme. if anything i thought this might have brought us closer. we wanted different things but that is normal.. i had used it as a segway to talk to her about a variety of things in that conversion seven days ago.. we talked about why we were here.. what we wanted out of it.. something else.. i can’t remember. it was brilliant really, how much better i am at this. i was turning the negative into a positive. I could sell that conversion in a dating skills book.

but yeah then it felt like she was actually afraid of me. talking to her was great. but now i notice that she actually is not my friend anymore on the internet. she is younger then me. this is very normal for some girls. things get very dramatic. I knew somebody that would unfriend even her closest friends any time they had a big argument. I’ve never unfriend anyone. its sad. how happy and normal she seems. stuff like this is what makes me question that we are in fact on “good terms”. it feels very immature and ridiculous.. but i am short on options here. if i was in California.. i was meeting way more chill happy people there. this is not the place for me. i knew that from the start… i had no choice. I’m trying to focus on the good relationships i do have here. What is the purpose of this story? I feel like this type of situation comes up a lot though, and at the least it makes a good story.. at best we learn something profound about society and it helps us all find better relationships LOL.

 

SoulBlade, a custom game

This is a nostalgia project. I have been designing this game on my phone.

The story behind this game starts around a year ago.. I didn’t have access to my computer… so i was looking for something fun to do on my phone.. and then i actually found this application that is for game deign that works directly on your iPhone. The app “Hopscotch” is marketed at kids.. but it is really sophisticated. For a long time I wanted to design a computer or video game.. and now i finally had the means. it wasn’t easy.. this game is basically a series of hundreds of simple math equations.. telling images or objects to move by the “pixels” or “coordinates” on the screen. Telling them where to go relative to what the player is doing. Still it’s a lot of fun. It’s just a long series of simple equations, like “you move 20 pixels when button 1 is down” type thing. Also something about the program makes it hard to control the “sizes” of objects. you have to keep adjusting it in the blind with percentages until it happens to be right. lots of blind mental calculations. often objects appear way to big and you have to use code to shrink them. this also creates lag.

I’ve put the visuals in from many of my favorite classic games form the 1990’s and 2000’s. It’s basically a mixture of “Youshi’s Island, Castlevania, and Donkeykong” the combination is intended to be a bit comedic. And Castlevania is the primary inspiration. Castlevania is a game about using swords and whips to explore a vast castle and fight Dracula the demon king. This is like a fan game, and not technically my “own game” because it is a combination of others games. But sometimes even as a gamer I notice that I enjoy playing fan made expansions of my favorite games even more then I enjoy new or original games. So maybe it’s not a sin to remodel what is already existing as long as you don’t sell it. If it’s not broke don’t fix it.

So my game is basically Castlevania but with a kinds of goofy “Super Mario” esque elements scattered throughout it. I may have to recreate the game one day in a different application to make it available to more people. Years ago I was creating this same game in Adobe Flash, but my subscription ran out! So i can’t even use flash any more. The goal is to create a casual adventure that is more for fun and an excuse to relax then anything else. the game has a lot of randomized elements so you can have a different experience each time. Even if you can’t play it is fun to watch it, also because i can add music to the video that would be in the actual game.

Sadly it isn’t that easy to access for the public, I can’t sell it or even make it available to people in an easy way. If you download the iPhone app “Hopstotch” you should be able to play it, but it won’t have sound or music, and it may try to charge you 7 dollars after a month for the app. According to the creators of the app, they were able to play my game even though it uses outside images that sometimes don’t appear.

This project hit a wall when i found out it would be so hard to share it with others, not have it’s own sound and music, etc. So that’s why there isn’t a lot of motivation to really “polish” and finish this project. I have wanted to design games for a long time. Maybe one day I can continue this project on a different platform like GamesSalad or “Unity”. I am also considering trying out something called “Ocarina Sharp” that is fan made and lets you make 3D Zelda games, but I have a feeling it will be complex.

The story of “Nirvana Saga”

For a long time I have been working on an epic fantasy series called the “Nirvana Saga”. I have poured much of my life and passion into this story. It is kind of like a “secret” project because so much of it is unfinished, so I haven’t tried to make it ‘public’ really. The story is kind of a metaphor for just about everything, the “human experience” even though it takes place in the afterlife.. that is to make it exciting.. it is a story about trauma. and recovery. People in the story awaken in “Nirvana” the afterlife.. and find it isn’t everything they expected. it is actually better. yet the hardest thing is just learning to cope with and get past the trauma of everything that happened to them on Earth. In the story they are trying to uncover the actual reason for the existence of the Earth plain, the reason turns out to be something much darker then they thought possible.. and just when they think the story is over.. the quest to uncover the truth behind the reason for the existence of Earth awakens a new journey here in Nirvana, an unknown enemy, a sleeping beast they never dreamed they would encounter. This story is a metaphor, yet it is also a testing ground for my real opinions about the afterlife.

A synopsis:

The story of “Nirvana Saga” takes place in Nirvana… the afterlife. Zeathean and Lyra, after living and dying, surviving all the trials of life, they can now finally live together in harmony here in the free world. They settle into a small village, surrounded by nature, and live a happy life. Festivals day and night. Lyra is enthusiastic.. like a ring leader in their village. Many people have been hurt by events of their past lives.. but she wants them to find their genuine joy. Zeathean and Lyra now have closeness and love they had always wanted. it seems never to end. it feels way too good to be true. so good it is actually scary. There is so much to do in this new world. On the surface it is similar to the Earth world.. yet the more you explore.. it is endless. and magical.. everything they wanted about their old lives is here.. the simple things that matter.. and yet there is a new world full of adventure just waiting for them.

(NOW AVAILABLE To get the full story of “Book 1 Sunlight Conquest” about how Zeathean and Lyra meet, go to my ‘patreon’ and make a donation of your choosing. https://www.patreon.com/wildzwiebel Not to be ‘thirsty’ but your support of donation is greatly appreciated in my state of poverty. As not having a long term place to live these last years has made completing this story very difficult. https://www.patreon.com/wildzwiebel)

Nirvana is not actually a single place.. but rather a Multiverse full of adventure.. the true expression of soul. Contrary to popular belief Nirvana isn’t without pain and struggle. It has all the sins of earth.. However Nirvana is also very different, the physical laws it follows are almost opposite to what they are on Earth. In Nirvana.. getting stabbed through the heart can actually make you stronger, though pain is not enjoyable.

People who return to Nirvana from earth.. experience it like a whole new place. Now they have a much greater appreciation for all that Nirvana is. To them.. it isn’t even the same place that they left.. now that they carry with them all the experiences they had on earth. When you journey to Earth from Nirvana.. you forget everything that happened to you in Nirvana as you entire the antimatter cloud.. everything you knew is erased.. however on the return trip it is not the same.. in Nirvana the true world.. you tend to remember a fair amount of what happened to you on Earth, only what your soul remembers, not your mind which is no longer even the same mind or body. (On Earth past life memory.. and connection to the afterlife are both perfectly eclipses/obstructed by the antimatter boundary between Earth and Nirvana.) Having this memory of events on earth.. it can be traumatic. But it also means people who returned from Earth tend to seek out and collectively manifest, and then inhabit these places. These places may be your home.. a place you lived.. or your idea vacation spot. It is an entirely new place that may resemble your ideal dream environment, and often it is a combination of the overlapping dreams of many people that manifest these Nirvana environments. New environments are manifesting all the time. But that doesn’t mean the souls have full control over what appears here. These environments appears to reflect the life the souls here most desired.. which may not even be the life they “think” they desired. It is the life they actually desired. Which isn’t unlimited freedom. Often it can be surprisingly ordinary, but the way it feels is not the way it looks, and lets be fair, even ordinary places in Nirvana are still way more surreal and awesome in their look and stature to most of the places you see on Earth.Nirvana doesn’t just give you everything you want. because that would be too easy.. then there would be nothing left to do. Nirvana gives you freedom.. a new adventure. It gives you not a a life of unlimited power and freedom.. but simply the life you wanted when you were on Earth.

Nirvana is no superficial paradise… as many imagined or feared it would be.. rather it has it’s own rules and limits.. but it is free of the true misery and unlimited type of deviation that can exist on Earth. Everything in Nirvana is governed by light, not the dark. Some places resemble the ordinary environments of Earth.. yet even these places have a different feel to them.. this connected magical harmonious “feeling” that is always with you.. There aren’t hidden illnesses and tragic accidents that can take it all away in a heart beat. Life here isn’t “fragile” the way it is on earth. On Earth everything is a fragile construct built over top the dark.. build around it.. The ‘material of the Earth plain is mostly “empty”. Nirvana is mostly “full”. Continuous light. In Nirvana killing a person is harder then destroying a skyscraper. Because the strongest marital in Nirvana is not the artifice of matter.. it is soul itself. On Earth.. the power of soul is felt.. but not known.. not seen.. it is hidden to us, the true extent of soul, soul on earth is quite, drives everything we do, our highest ambitions.. yet at the same time it is invisible, unseen, unheard. In Nirvana soul is stronger then matter. However there, are, those in Nirvana with the power to take life. However this is not common. There are people who dwell here who have the strength and power of skyscrapers.. mountains.. or even entire planets and stars.. hidden inside them. you would never even know they possessed this power.

In Nirvana everything is governed by soul. Not by matter. In Nirvana you live forever, time makes you more youthful rather then older. Outer space is light instead of dark. Instead of stars in the sky there are ‘soul clusters.’ Full of souls with infinite possibilities to become anything they so choose to be. Nirvana is immaterial.. and eternal. The universe is 14 billion years old. But Nirvana has no beginning or end.. it has existed for trillions of years and will exist long after the material universe has imploded and all the stars burnt out.

Another misconception.. is that Nirvana is only for the enlightened, only for those who have awakened after many trials and lifetimes on earth. The truth is that good or bad.. everyone goes to Nirvana. (this is a story, I’m not telling you what to believe)

Arriving in Nirvana should have been the end of the struggle for our heroes.. However…. a truly insidious villain.. has been waiting all along, here, in the most unlikely place, in the very heart of Nirvana itself.. Our heroes defeated many villains back in the mortal world… but this time.. they may not win.. this time.. the villain they must face…… Is God.

God goes by no name. He gives life, and he takes life. Sometimes people call him God. But those very few who know him closely.. sometimes refer to him by a different name. That name is Armas. and this is the name we come to know him by for our story.

God aka Armas.. is radiant, and he is wrathful. He generates a powerful life force, that can create planets, grow trees, he is life itself. And yet, he has a dark side. Often times Armas seems to thrive on evil itself. And this is why… our heroes prefer not to see Armas as God. They call him.. Armas the “tyrannical Angel.” But his power is unquestionable. He does things that should be impossible. He brings back those who have been dead 1000 years. He teleports across impossible distances. He knows the inner most thoughts and feelings of trillions and trillions of people across Nirvana’s vast reaches. He is physically indestructible. He radiates light like an angle.. he acts loving sometimes, and fills you with his light, yet he desires only evil.

Armas is different then other villains.. he isn’t motivated by greed or marital gain.. rather the more our heroes get to know him.. it seems his true objective is evil itself. Armas enjoys physical combat. He is a warrior God. He sometimes appears with four arms, and wields four long swords of blazing white light or fire. He summons blue and white lightning. He is almost seven feet tall.. ageless. with long white hair and blue eyes.. he is muscular.. and also enjoys fighting with his fists.

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Armas also enjoys creating complex insidious schemes. He enjoys playing games with people that become very psychological. He likes to hurt people yet make them think they did it to themselves. And his brutish love of combat can be a way of masking his insidious genius. Armas is proud and arrogant.. he is boastful.. yet his keeps winning and winning. When Armas inflicts damage on people.. it creates some kind of electrical feedback loop inside his body.. that makes him physically stronger. Armas is a freak.. his will to hate.. and his tolerance of pain, is so unreal.. he just keeps training, keeps becoming stronger and stronger, over countless eras of time. He is older then anyone can know, older then the mortal world. No one knows who Armas really is.. or what made him this way. And most people aren’t even aware that he exists at all. He is evil. And yet flowers bloom for him, the trees grow for him.. and the sun shines for him.. because he is God.

There is a secret behind Armas. It is called “the Nethertwine”, the Nethertwine is a highly complex antimatter mechanism, like a weapon, designed to harvest the energy of mass human suffering. it shouldn’t exist and yet it does, this thing.. like a giant weed, it is hidden.. yet there.. pumping dark energy, a hidden network that runs underneath Nirvana. Clutching the very heart of the tree of life. The Nethertwine, it feeds this energy to Armas himself, to make him physically indestructible. Very few people are even aware that he or the dark tendrils of the Nethertwine even exist..

Even Armas the all mighty gets bored sometimes.. and he finally decides to spend a little time just to ‘chill’ and get to know our heroes. They are a strange fun bunch, they are experienced, yet care free, and Armas feels drawn to them. The truth is, he doesn’t have many friends. He has servants, and victims, but not true friends.

Our heroes are Lyra, a confident girl who can’t stop going on adventures and pulling everyone she meets into her crazy misendeavors, Zeathean and intuitive artist guy, inventor of “party theory”, and Sivlith a mad obsessive disgruntled talented scientist who lived in hell (the demon world, the shattered world) for 1000 years. Among others. Zeathean and Lyra want nothing more then to tare Armas limb from limb.. but instead they must pal around with him and indulge in his strange games that start off friendly yet could turn sadistic at any moment. They are forced to spend as much time with him as he asks.. because he is just too powerful.. if he wanted .. he could destroy them all. As insane as he is.. as much as he deserves to die.. Armas’s strange choice to pal around and go on adventures with them gives them an opportunity to study him.. If ever there were a way to defeat him.. this is a chance to learn.. and it is buying them time. Being his friend keeps them alive. You can’t die of old age in Nirvana… yet your spirit body can be physically obliterated.. and there are many unpleasant realms of the Nirvana multiverse that Armas can banish you to.

Zeathean is a seemingly regular guy…. Yet he once fought Armas… however even Zeathean’s full dark power.. God level 3 ..the reward for his suffering on Earth… was not enough to defeat Armas. Now…. Zeathean is continually perplexed when warriors even more powerful then he is appear, and yet still, none of them can beat Armas. Yevallah the mad profit, who sought to avenge his starving village on Earth, Avon the mysterious stranger who had been condemned to live out his life with brain damage before returning to Nirvana, Valkishin the x-soul (a specific type of warrior who trains to become stronger over many life times) all of them had incredible powers.. all of them were defeated.

Armas has conquered both Heaven (Nirvana) and Earth (Melcrosis, aka Hell, aka the “Universe”)… and he is an evil older and darker then any other we have seen. Over countless generations only 502 warriors have arisen to challenge Armas in physical combat…. they were each said to be “chosen incarnations of God”, each of them was destined to destroy Armas, blessed with the sacred power of light.. and each of them was …. defeated. …..Through some strange glitch in reality.. Armas the enigma.. has outwitted us all… Our heroes Zeathean and Lyra are obsessed with uncovering the truth about Armas. Even Armas himself has confusion about who he actual is and what has made him this way. He says that he is God and always has been, yet there are suggestions that the truth is something much much stranger. There is nothing to suggest that Armas should exist, nothing to explain his power. he is an anomalie. It doesn’t make sense.

Armas actually enjoys battle and putting his on life on the line. In danger, he thrives. There may be no hope that Armas can ever be defeated. But there is something curious.. something strange.. that is revolving around an ordinary girl… a girl named Lyra. There is a prophecy… about Lyra… Lyra who plays with flowers and butterflies, Lyra who doesn’t like fighting at all. She may actually have the power to destroy Armas… She is connected to him, somehow. She has this power.. but she doesn’t know how to awaken it, how to control it. But all Lyra really wants to do with her time is to have fun. And everyone enjoys the way she makes them feel. How could someone so gentle as Lyra.. ever stand a chance against the brutal Angel Armas? Lyra isn’t just ordinary… she is goofy.. a weird, funny, silly girl who loves to have fun. Everyone loves her. But no one believes that she has anything to do with stopping Armas.

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The prophecy about Lyra came from a few places and has a strange history to it.. There is a female sage named Nobanashi who are heroes eventually come upon. She is abnormally powerful and slightly insane. Lyra has this strange power.. but she doesn’t know how to awaken it. After our heroes failed time and time again.. Nobanashi is now the only one they can turn to for advice.. but there is a strange darkness behind her power..

Nirvana is the free world and it has no need for a God. Yet God is here all the same, in the form of Armas, and he is a control freak, who brings nothing but misery to Nirvana. Silvith the eccentric dark hared dark eyed scientist has gathered all the evidence and data.. and there is nothing in any plane or dimension of reality across all the vast reaches of Nirvana to point to or suggest the existence of such a God. Nirvana has no God. According to the data Armas should not exist. And yet he is here, in proud defiance of reality itself. He is a glitch. He defies the impossible.

However there are irregularities in Sivlith’s data.. such as there are abnormally large amounts of antimatter scattered across Nirvana.. this also has no explanation and should not exist by any reason. Given the amount of time and pressure it takes to create even a small amount of antimatter.. there seems to be some link between the two.. Armas and antimatter. However this reveals no key into defeating him. Nirvana is 5% antimatter.. which is large considering how dangerous the stuff is.. according to the data Nirvana should only be .01% antimatter. Every few trillion years the negative energy has a way of getting “flushed out” of Nirvana…  but these irregularities suggest that something has been preventing this… but it would still require amounts of time that seem impossible.

More about the setting:

In Nirvana people refer to Earth/the Universe by a different name… here they call it “Melcrosis” aka the “antimatter cloud”. Most people don’t go near it unless they want to or unless they are taken there against their will.. because once you get near Melcrosis it sucks you in like a magnet, it pulls you rapidly across light-years, it destroys your spirit body, and binds your very soul essence to a marital form, aka what on earth we call “birth”. ………When light enters the ultra dense antimatter cloud of Melcrosis it responds by spinning at ultra fast speeds to generate a type of centrifugal force… this creates an immense energy that protects the light against the dark matter/ anti-matter surrounding it, light  responds by becoming “light-matter” aka what we call “matter”. Every atom of your body contains an immense atomic energy, this energy is explosive, smaller and stronger then you can imagine. Aka “Strong Nuclear Force.” Yet the true purpose of this intense power is unknown..

The reason that energy is there.. is there to protect against something… something we don’t even realize is there. All the strange things about being alive… about being here on earth.. it all happens because the light matter we see and know… is responding to a hidden type of matter… something all around us.. Something we think we know, yet don’t know at all…… “dark-matter.” The truth of what dark matter really is… it is chaos. Reality turned inside out. A special type of matter Armas himself may have created long ago.. to become a cage for God. Dark matter, anti-matter, dark energy, different properties.. one substance. Chaos. Light.. inside out. There are many things in Nirvana.. yet light is the building block of all things, and there is only one thing that can stop the light, and that is dark-matter. Anti-light. Anti-God.

Were are all swimming in this massive sea of a foreign, unknown type of matter. We are only aware of it “theoretically,” we call it “dark-matter.” It us it is some “far away thing”, something that is “out in space.” To us dark matter is known only by the mysterious influence it has on pushing around large scale objects without seeming to exist. Our science only knows of dark-matter by the way if fills in inconsistencies in our laws of physics. We know it only through the influence it has on light matter around it. For how else, can you know the dark?

After arriving in Nirvana our heroes learn dark matter aka anti-matter is real.. and it is the most dangerous thing in Nirvana. In Nirvana, dark matter, anti matter, can be seen, with your own eyes. It can be seen from the outside, but not from the inside, not while you are inside the could, what we call being “alive” here on Earth. …….There is some connection between Anti-matter and Armas. His weapon, his soul harvesting machine, the Nethertwine, like our Universe, is also made of antimatter.

Antimatter is scary, because it is overwhelmingly dark.. but can also be completely invisible depending on your vantage point. As an “earth being” made of “earth matter” you can’t see antimatter at all, you only know it by its influence on light. The “speed of light” is actually a limitation caused by the light slowing down as it moves through the dark matter. The true speed of light is actually unlimited. In Nirvana there is no “cosmic speed limit”. There are limits but they are different depending on what plane of reality in Nirvana you are in. Antimatter can be seen in Nirvana… (however Armas’s machine the Nethertwine is so hyper dense that it exists on a dimension that is invisible to all beings of Nirvana.)

All the strange things about being on earth, the reason we eat food, our need to breath, are need to reproduce, the intense complexity of our very cells, our DNA, all of it.. is for one thing.. one purpose.. “survival” but what is it we are surviving against.. ourselves. each other? a predator. No… there is something else.. something more driving it all. Even in the basic nature of just being alive. They thing we are surviving against. It is fundamental to this reality. Even the very atoms of the universe, they exist for survival as well.. is it not usual.. cells made of molecules.. made of atoms, made of quantum quarks.. ? there is are so many layers. These layers were created.. so light matter could protect itself.. in the early stages of the big bang. Protect against what. Against the dark. The dark that is al around us. the reason people die. The reason the sun eventually burns out. IT is all thanks.. to the dark. We do all these strange things.. without giving it a second thought.. we find explanation, and believe what the group tells us, what is in the text books from the knowledge of previous generations, but something much stranger is going on.. something obvious that we over look. When you look past the atmosphere of earth, the clouds, what primitive people saw as “heaven”, you see that is is but a thin layer to hide us from the dark. And that we are just a rock in space. Existing in this vast chaos of the void. Majority of the universe is not light. Living things, “nature” makes up less then 1% of the universe. the vast majority of our world is not life, it is dark. Why is that?

Melcrosis, aka “the Universe” is not like other dimension of Nirvana. Because Melcrosis is 95% dark energy and dark matter… and this is not true of any other part of Nirvana. Only 5% of Nirvana is comprised of dark-matter. Our Universe is an overwhelming irregularity compared to the rest of the larger reality… which is why it is often referred to from the outside as the “Inverted World”. Maybe that should be the title of the series? People who travel there are called “earth trippers” or “travelers”.

To call Melcrosis a “simulation” would not do it justice. TO call it “holographic” is close. the sun is like a projector.. projecting love and light onto us.. like a higher power.. This world, this “Earth” is floating in.. surrounded by, the dark, and yet there is something else here. something divine. Something that keeps us coming back for more. Like a flie to a lamp. This divine thing is real, it is magical. It is there in the quantum foam. it follows no rules. Entanglement. Micro-teleporatoins of electrons around the neuculeious . Things that don’t happen on the larger scale.. yet are apart of the nature of light life and Nirvana. And yet the dark matter here is always splitting it… eating away at it, limiting light, and it’s true free nature. So here on the larger scale, things follow rules and behaviors, I can only jump so high, i can only walk so far, yet this creates the illusion that this is “all there is” to life, and that this is all there ever was. There is something else here.. something magical, something that makes life worth living, and yet, it is just a feeling.

We know there are things we must to do stay alive.. to make a living. And this can be overwhelming… and make us think that we are not free. and yet.. we are free. We are made out of the same light that is existing in Nirvana. the same magic soul essence. But we are up against a challenge like no other. The interaction between light and antimatter causes light matter to behave in ways that can predict, and this is what we call “science” or “physics”, it takes our freedoms at times, these rules that life follows, yet light is not limited to these behaviors, and these behaviors off matter we see say more about the dark then they do about the light.

I wish Melcrosis was a simulation.. but it is far too real to be that. The pain can make you numb, but whatever your choose, there are real stakes, to your soul, and the souls of others. Anti-matter is impermanent. Eventually it caves in to its own pressure and flips back into the light energy or light matter it once was. However this takes a very long time. You could argue that “time” itself is the weakness of antimatter. Antimatter is on a clock. Because of this you could call the universe the “divine illusion”. It is the only reality we know. Yet it is not Nirvana.. the true reality.

There was a time when everyone believed the earth was flat. This was simply accepted as truth. Until it wasn’t. There was a time when everyone believed the Earth was the center of the solar system.. until Galileo came along with his telescope. they called him crazy, they all did. But eventually we learned that earth was not the center of the solar system, it wasn’t the center of the universe, or of the galaxy.    And now there is another question no one thought to ask.. Is our Universe at the center of “reality”. Or maybe.. what if our universe.. is specifically existing off-center.. from the rest of reality.

What if there is a center.. and that center is not here, but in Nirvana. Scientists have considered the existence of a parallel dimension… to explain the inconsistencies in our laws of physics.. the reason why gravity is weaker then it should be, things that don’t make sense, Einstein’s inability to find a “unified theory” that could explain the laws of the big, the cosmic, and the laws of the quantum, the small. What if were are looking for this theory in the wrong place, we look for the answer here, inside this place we call “the Universe”. If we consider a parallel dimension.. not many.. but just one.. one other, that is very different to our own. Maybe things would make a little more sense. This other reality, the true reality, Nirvana. not the “after-life’.. as we call it.. but simply “life”.

The reason we can’t see antimatter is because seeing it would render us blind. there is so much of it around us. It would not benefit our survival to see it. It would become like a blindfold to daily life. It is also possible that because we are made of light, we can only see and perceive other things and people that are made of light, we can’t see the dark, because we are not built to see it. Or perhaps we can’t see the dark because it is the dark, because there simply is nothing to see. The actual amount of energy in space is very small.. we are made of atoms and majority of the atom is empty space, protons neutrons electrons, only make up a very small part of the atom. everything else, empty space, yet it turns out this empty space isn’t empty, it is actually dark, full of dark matter and dark energy.

This ‘dark’ is not as natural as we think. And it has an effect on the light matter we interact with in the universe. This dark is everywhere. Yet we can’t see it because it doesn’t benefit us to see it, it would render us blind. We can only see the light because the light benefits our survival, it is our survival. Majority of space is not made of light, yet light is all we see, unless we are actually in outer-space where the darkness is literally overwhelming. Even in broad daylight, everything appears to be solid, everything appears to radiate light, and it does, but this light makes up less then 5% of the space around us. Everything we think and do is because on a reality that is only 5% of the actual reality we are in. It can help to be aware of the other 95% but at the end of the day being aware of it doesn’t benefit us that much. It’s only 5% but that is our food, our sustenance, our survival, and that’s why we have to focus on it and live for it. Yet being aware of the dark, and it’s nature, can help us to protect against it. To know that loneliness and boredom (which aren’t always considered that serious) can be lethal. That it is important to enjoy your life. to get out and have fun.

Worrying becomes a cycle because the hidden dark matter will feed off your worries. so that is why people seem to awaken this deep joy when they simply make a “choice” not to worry about things that seem worrisome. the darkness will feed of anything negative, so we make a choice not to feed it. And that is the less, that is the positive spin we put on this. The darkness is here, but we are the light, not the dark. And the darkness is invisible, it can hurt you, even if no one notices it does, so that is why it is important to take care of yourself.. and know when you are hurting, and not ignore your feelings and instincts simply based on what the majority tells you is so. You feelings inform you about the energy, the light and the dark. The energy is difficult to measure, difficult to see.

In modern society we tend to see feelings as whimsical, something you have to ignore to get the job done, “don’t get emotional”, but the feelings are the only thing that can clue us in to these invisible energies.. the matter of life is what we see and know,… but it is energy that defines our joy and success.. and mater quickly “feels hollow” when we live life just based on what we see and know, and not what we feel. The feelings aren’t just chemicals in your brain. they are electric and magnetic pulses in the organ of your heart, they have voltage, there is a field. Even Tesla believed in this. Modern understanding is overly material. We end up treating symptoms instead of causes. So much of life is about the energy.. yet energy is hard to understated.. and often fear is what drives us to understand, to know, it has to be felt, before it can be ‘known’.

If dark matter is all around us, how come we don’t see it, how come we never suspected it was even there? That is because all kinds of things that happen, behaviors of energy and matter, that we consider ordinary, are actually being influenced by dark matter. Dark matter, it is what causes things to decay over time, it is what causes organic substances to turn into toxic and the unnatural. If not for the dark matter, we would live forever. It isn’t “time” tiself that causes death and decay. but rather the byproduct of the dark matter eating away at the light. Antimatter has a time limit. And it is slowly degrading, over billions of years, closing in on us like this fist, it squeezes the light out from inside it. it is enclosing us. We are not “born” we just pass in through the wall of darkness, we don’t “die” we just slip back “out” through that same wall. Energy belongs to Nirvana, it begins and ends there, it is renewed in Nirvana. the energy of your body is trying to get back there, to the source. It doesn’t belong here, in the dark. That is the real reason why we die. There is little evidence on Earth, that Nirvana even exists.. all we can see is what is in front of us, yet it is the absence of something important that points to it’s existence. The lack of a unified theory. Things that happen yet lack explanation. (And to believe in the afterlife has brought something good back into my life, that was not there before, before when i believed only in what i could see, what was in front of me, back when i ‘felt things’ but didn’t truly embrace the strange meaning of those feelings, and still clunk to hard facts, hard science for the ultimate truth. Things in my life had been dark, and when i came to believe in the afterlife, suddenly it became better. Suddenly, everything had a purpose, a reason, i didn’t have to depend on material validation, it didn’t matter if people knew my efforts, my trials, and successes, or if they didn’t, if i was someone, or if i was no one, because in Nirvana it would all be reward, not through some god handing me material gifts or 50 virgins, but through my soul itself, in Nirvana.. my soul would be free, to feel everything and to have everything that that had been taken, the love. If began with a feeling of “there has to be something better then this” but since then.. the theory has come a long way, it has provided explanations i didn’t expect it to, and believing makes me happier.)

In Nirvana you are free to pressure whatever you desire. However this isn’t true just for the good people, this also mean people with dark intentions they were unable to fulfill on earth are now free to lust after their evil ambitions to the fullest. this doesn’t mean they won’t be met with justice. but here in lies our story. Armas is not the only villain. he is just the most powerful. yet he is so powerful that no one can even fight him. So instead our heroes indulge Armas’s offer of friendship.. and they go on to conquer powerful foes together as a team.. Armas is board.. he needs entertainment. All the why.. their true opponent… Armas… is the one right before them.. the person they talk with and laugh with right here in close proximity. One day they will find a way to beat him. In Nirvana a man like Armas, who feeds of his own pain and the pain of others, who actually enjoys suffering, he is free to act on his will to suffer without having to worry about damage to his physical body. On earth this would not be possible.

It is possible that Armas created Earth, Melcrosis, as a training ground to create stronger warriors.. so that finally he would have a true clanger.

There is a another hidden villain in the story. This villain is Melcrosis itself. Or rather… a cycle that exists between Nirvana and Melcrosis. Those who return to Nirvana after a trip to Earth are not the same as the where when they left. This much is clear to the regular people of Nirvana. A deep transformation occurs. Nirvana has everything you can ever dream of. However there is something, something intense amazing and powerful, that cannot be found in Nirvana.. that can only be found on Earth. No one would have believed it… but when the Melcrosis survives, the earth trippers, return from their journey, it is clear that they are changed, you see it in their eyes. It is what we call “true love”.

Those who return from Earth, have a new capacity to feel. They feel emotions 10 to 100 times more powerful then they did before they left. Upon return to the haven of Nirvana, the layer of mater, and the layer of antimatter are both stripped away from your spirit, and your true spirit body regrows around you. A body of continuous light. All that matter numbed and clogged your ability to feel. Now here in Nirvana you can feel everything… Everything you used to feel.. but also something new.. You feel everything that happened to you on earth. It is dark. but all that pressure… and the pain of the trials on earth, forced the soul to become stronger. The soul responds to the dark by becoming stronger. The entire time on earth, even when your body takes damage and gets old and weak, your soul just keeps getting stronger.

And it’s not just that you feel more, the soul itself becomes ultra dense… like a weapon. Like a God. And this begins to hint at the explanation for Armas’s power. Many have returned from Melcrosis with God powers. Yet Armas trounces even these people. Sivlith has not given up.. he is a scientist.. and he knows there is an explanation for everything. If ever there was a hope.. it lies with the Melcrosis survivors, the people like Zeathean Lyra and himself…

Even if they could actually win, beat Armas, and have all they dream of in life… There is still this.. This what Zeathean and Lyra fear.. this cycle between Melcrosis and Nirvana. The pain changes you, makes you want more. Will it ever end? Zeathean and Lyra… everything they do is driven by the love that is between them.. and yet.. they are aware.. that this love came from the trials of Earth.. the place they hate the most. And that eventually these feelings will fade.. weather it takes 100 years… or 1000.. the feelings of love wear off… and eventually they will be driven, to return… to willingly seek out the thing they hate the most.. Melcrosis. a life inside the void of chaos. Anything… so that they can feel that feeling again.

They will be driven back.. to seek out their own demise.. something so disgusting. And how does that make them any different from Armas? Even if they one day find a way to defeat Armas.. how can they defeat Melcrosis.. how can they defeat themselves? They want a free world. They don’t want to suffer forever. Armas manipulates traumatized people. Suffering is dangerous. In Nirvana suffering actually makes you stronger.. the soul responds by becoming stronger.. as long as love is driving you to some extent. Without it you lose the will to fight. But it also makes you insane.

Originally Armas created Melcrosis to hurt people. But because it give people stronger emotions… “true love” people actually came to enjoy it. How sadistic are we? Now billions of people were willingly traveling to earth every generation. All thanks to his evil experiment gone even more wrong. Will the cycle ever end? If people desire the aftereffect of the experience they have on Earth… they will keep returning.. to feel it again.. experience what can only be found on Earth. When you return to Nirvana after Earth.. it is like love for the first time. Everything is rewarded.. everything is forgiven.

Yet our heroes still have a job to do. There souls may be broken.. compelled to seek out pain for the enhanced feeling of love it brings them. And yet.. they still have a choice to stop things from getting worse. Armas always craves more power. And he is not done punishing. The trials of earth gave them this “true love” but should they simply lie back and allow Armas to abuse them? Armas has the power to take it all away.

They will one day have to choose.. resist the cycle to return to Melcrosis… or give in. But maybe there is something else.. a “third way” as they begin to call it. A way to give people the freedom to chose what they want. A world free from the control of Armas. The situation is dark, there souls have taken damage they cannot repair, even in Nirvana, even here, the damage remains, because it is so profound, so addictive, even after it is healed, you are compelled.. to seek it out again.. to feel that again.. that “true love”.. They are forever changed by their time on Earth. yet they have a choice, to take action, to prevent things from getting darker. To choose what they want and not let it happen to them. They way things are going now.. things could get darker.. they won’t just be living with scars.. if the punishment continues.. Zeathean or Lyra.. could become the next Armas.

What is Armas? Someone who is truly broken. Someone who lives for evil, hate and revenge. Someone who has no shame about inflicting damage on self and others, just to get high. Here in Nirvana.. where there are no physical limits on what you can do, on what you can become. Armas gets high.. High on the intensity of that raw conflict, the pressure and power that exists in the battle between light and dark. Armas is not the dark, or the light, he is the conflict between them.

the Zelda Randomizer is amazing

I’ve been playing this Zelda Randomizer recently. It really amazes me. Specifically it is “Zelda a Link to the Past”, the game from 1991. Over the last 10 or so years I have seen many amazing “Zelda hacks” and game hacks… aka fan made games that hack into the code of a classic original game and adjust it a bit … or remake it over completely. It has brought back much childhood joy. I use an emulator on my computer and plug in an “8bido” SNES controller. I can even use it to play Nintendo 64 games. I never expected a “randomizer” to be that exciting. but it really has been on of the most exciting Zelda fan games aka Zelda “hacks” I have played. They give you like 100 different characters to choice from. Like Shantae, Medley, or random anime characters, you can even play as Batman, a bomb, a treasure chest, some really goofy stuff. It randomizes items.. entrances.. and even the color of the background. It feels like having 100 new games to play. The randomizer is great. It’s what I’ve been looking for. because it gives you a new experience every time. They were very through. Even though the items are in random locations.. the game is still “beatable”. but it does get very hard sometimes.. you will need something very specific to progress the game.. and it could be anywhere. I’ve started 5 files already all of them have gotten stuck at one point, where you just can’t find the item you need, even for a pro like me who has already beaten the original version of this game like 30 times, who is obsessed with every little cave and secret room in the game. But i was able to get at least half way into most of them, it is worth it for the new experience. It gives you lots of customizable options so you take control of what you want. you can make it random.. but not too random.. hard.. but not too hard. you know.

https://alttpr.com/en/randomizer

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The problem with many of these fan games is that they are way too hard, and mostly I play for casual enjoyment. Sometimes when you are an excited fan creating your own video-game, you have time to play it over and over, and because you are the creator, it feels easier for you to beat it then it would be for someone else.. so you keep increasing the difficulty without even realizing how hard you are making it.  however that is not the case with this, because it’s just the original game on hyper randomizer overload. Often I play games for enjoyment, the goal isn’t even always to win.

I find out about most of these games through youtube. It’s really much better then the original game from 1991… which is already really good. In most Zelda games you go from one thing to the next. one quest to the next. What is innovative about Zelda is that the quest can take you anywhere on the map and you often return to places you have already been to uncover something new you couldn’t access before, it’s about exploration and adventure, it isn’t linear. (like Skyward Sword LOL!) But this is even better because you often have to keep track of like 3 different quests at the same time. I’m beating this dungeon over on the mountain.. and this one in the swamp.. and in think a cave near the village has items I need.. there isn’t a specific order the way there was before. You may have to enter a dungeon.. knowing you don’t have the items you need to beat it, but you still have to because it may have items you need to access a different dungeon on the other side of the game. It gets crazy. I opened on file and cut down a bush that had a hole underneath it. It was one of the first things i did.. and the hole dropped me down right to the final boss, Gannon. And he was like “you can’t beat me yet.” Which is kind of the way the newest Zelda game, breath of the wild, is set up. It give you a sense of freedom… anything can happen. Another time I made the choice to do this dungeon backwards because i realized it might lead to a different area of the game.. and it did.. it got me on top of the mountain, a later area, it was like the 9th dungeon, but I had to do it first, and it gave me access to the mountain from an usual angle, so I then had to use the hook shot to get onto the primary part of the mountain, thanks to the randomizer I also had this item way ahead of time, but there were other items I didn’t have. Like i didn’t have the lamp, a more basic item, so I had to explore some areas totally in the dark. It just gives you a very different expreice of a classic game.

https://alttpr.com/en/randomizer

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3 strange nightmares

I had some really strange nightmares the other night. There were 3 different ones.

 

the Entrepreneur

I was in the bathroom of my childhood home.. My friends tried to get my attention.. it was really distracting .. I was mad they interrupted me and didn’t speak to them for a long time.   A few days after that event I met this entrepreneur guy.. he was helping me do all these crazy bold things in the world to get more successful.. I was amazed by it all. Only after a while I realized I couldn’t tell if he put any value on things like “feelings” or “vibes” or friendship or me as a person .. We were water-skiing down this wild river then we both hit rocks and got injured. It’s possible that his injuries were worse then mine.. (which could imply that part of me had to die for the other part to move on.. i was injured because i got pulled in with him and his reckless ideas) And all the contacts were deleted off my phone.

 

the Advertisement

In the second dream i was watching this add on TV in one of my groups here at this kids camp I work at that is also a work training program among other things.

The add on TV was for a brand of matches. I saw two different matches being compared. And this guy was explaining how effective they were. The ad said something like “this is Tony.. he died of cancer.. but this is how he wants to be remembered.” And then the guy Tony, an older experienced kind of tough looking guy with silver hair (hard to explain, he had a distinct look, he had a kind of style or charisma about him), He lights a match .. he gets into the tent and the whole tent goes on fire. and tony says “these matches are reliable. for people who want to go with dignity.” then we went around the group and this guy here who’s name is “star” asked how we felt about the add. This is really funny if you think about it when you consider the place i work at and how “happy go lucky” it usually is. and this guy named Star. they were never be showing an ad like this. It is probably illegal to have an ad promoting suicide .. I’ve never even thought about that, but I’m sure it is. We go around the room and people are like “it is interesting” or “good” or “I think the matches were marketable”. No one was saying the obvious so i was like … “well it is very… controversial. Are they allowed to have adds like that on TV”. While i said this i was drinking a cherry vanilla flavored soda.. and i felt that the soda helped me to better articulate my thoughts about what was on the TV.

(It’s strange to think about death.. being something like a “TV” advertisement)

It’s interesting about the soda.. because recently is has been hard to go out and buy things i enjoy.. I also can’t “stock up” on things because i don’t make a lot of money.. having less to snack on makes it harder for me to find a “positive distraction” from dark unresolved contemplations or events in my present and past that come up now and then. So it feels like I can’t “see things clearly” because there isn’t enough “substantial” positive ‘stuff’ in life. Just me in a room killing time until i can go shopping again. We are all afraid to leave because of the current virus pandemic. In the dream it felt important to talk about this TV advertisement, and have an honest open discussion about it.. but many people in the room weren’t paying attention.. yet a sip of that ‘natural sugar’ soda i buy at “whole foods” seemed to clear my mind for long enough to think. It felt important that i contemplated this… yet not be consumed by it.

 

the Hackers Identity

The last dream was even more crazy.. In the dream there was this important “hacker” or criminal ‘revolutionary’ person.. he had called a meeting to his most trusted inner circle.. in the meeting he would finally reveal his true identity, which was known to no one. … people had all arrived … they waited around for an hour … then found out they all were going to be killed!   It turned out the hacker didn’t trust anyone and this had been a test.. because those he really trusted were supposed to know that he would never reveal his identity.

there were two girls and i saw it from there point of view.. one knew not to attend the meeting.. and the other did attend .. but only because she was zoning out a little and she had felt suspicious about the meeting.. and now she was mad that she was going to be killed over this.. and she said something like “you have no idea who i am” there was something the hacker didn’t know about her identity and now she was going to try and defeat him.

 

The second two dreams feel dark and I’m not sure what to do about them. But believe it or not the first dream actually gives me hope because it implies that i have put faith in the “wrong people”. Because that implies there is something i could change to impove the situation. In the dream.. I was mad at my friend over something that was really just temporary. They were trying to get a hold of me at a bad time.. but maybe i could forgive them. And it’s interesting that in the second part of that first dream the entrepreneur had me doing something that lead ‘specially’ to all the contacts being lost from my phone… aka my friends. Actually the previous day, in reality i had been getting the phone numbers of new friends, but they may have just been ‘work relationships’ and not true friends so it was not a true victory. The dream it implied i had deleted my old friends or my contact with them, which was accurate.

The third dream is a very interesting kind of metaphor for something that happen a few years ago in my life. This time where i felt unsure about my “identity” in life.. and I was hit with a difficult situation where i felt that i didn’t make the right choice because i was distracted.. not totally centered in myself.. so i caved into the pressure of others just to appease them and make the additional the stress they were creating go away.

….The two girls in the dream where in contact with each other by cell phone.. but they had each made different choices. One attended the meeting but felt suspicious about it. the other made the right choice to simply not attend, but she was more of a ‘background’ character. It reminds me of myself… ‘I’ was much like the girl who ‘had’ attended the meeting.. and the other girl was the me I ‘could have’ been… who made the right choice not to get ‘suckered in’ by some kind of group pressure.

I knew i was capable of making the right choice.. even back then.. but this confusion about my “identity” in the world.. had caused me to do all kinds of reckless things back then… and i never realized i might later regret those things. Back then life was all about how “fearless” i could be, to help me get in touch with my true self. That seemed to effect how i made choices. I didn’t make choices thinking about my “physical health” in great detail. I was “spiritual” i had “transcend” the physical… back then. I ended up getting this major dental operation that i knew i didn’t need just so my family would stop worrying about it, to prove to them that i was afraid of nothing. I didn’t do it for myself. And that was hard to accept. Looking back it seemed so random and not helpful to my quest.

The thing about the last dream is that the “hacker” reminds me about how i feel about “God”…. Like if i switch the word “hacker” with God… “God” was going to reveal his “identity”…. if i went face to face with this scary thing… the dental operation my family was pressuring me into… If i got past this … i would once again have time to finish my spiritual quest.. with the distractions of a worrying mother. And maybe facing this fear would even help me. The world would see that I was afraid of nothing. I would then be put in touch with my “destiny” aka the hacker from the dream, what you might even call God… yet it was only to find out that i had been suckered in… to some scheme that had nothing to do with anything.

Now i had this major operation done that added nothing to my life.. that i would always regret… and the best parts of me would be found only after learning to let go of the feeling that created in me… Like the hacker.. God reveals his identity to no one… This all happened at a time when i had been unsure about my “identity” yet my identity had never been lost. I was struggling with external challenges.. and my identity got confused in them.

There are two important people in the dream. the hacker.. and the girl. the girl says “you have no idea who i am”. because she is angry. yet this is also a statement about identity. they got into a trap because they desired to know the identity of the famous hacker.. to have this honor of becoming closer to the enigma of his success. but maybe this isn’t the end of the girls story. towards the end of the dream the girl began shape shifting into other people. Maybe she is limiting herself by trying to be a “hacker”. Maybe she is something else entirely.

 

the truth is

the “real life of Zwiebel”

The truth is I have a lot I want to do for the world. I have more posts to write… more books to write.. and other things in my physical reality.. but life has been really hard these last five years. ….It’s a long story. The story of it all, what happened to me, it is totally wild actually. And a bit dark. I’ve been through a lot. And i have leaned a lot from it. My life has plenty of moral and emotional support.. but in terms of food money and a future place to live.. not so much. I feel I will be valuable to share my story. I haven’t really had the opportunity to share the true story of it all with many people. I am hoping to share even more in the near future about me, about the “real life of Zwiebel” as I call it sometimes. (My last name.)

I have a lot of physical problems but have been struggling for years to get a proper diagnosis.. and life has often pushed me way over the limit with expectations. struggling to afford basic needs.. forced to say in chaotic living situations that my mom was willing to pay for… where i don’t feel i was treated respectfully… I was treated according to her wishes and hopes for me. there has been a subtle improvement in the last few months after a complex negotiation to get out of a chaotic living situation. I’m struggling to make money to get enough food. And to really do the things in life that ‘give me energy’ and let me contribute something meaningful to the world. I spend a lot of time conserving food because i make 20$ less a week then i need for food. I only make 50$ a week right now because most of the money goes into housing. I have tried to get on government disability money and foods stamps but it has been a far more complicated process then i even feared. at one point i was making progress but had to move to a different state and then start over. In New York the phone calls are just automated.

I hope that my opinions about mental illness don’t come off as offensive… I can understand that if you find mental illness to be a helpful concept… if you have a diagnosis that has lended ‘clarity’ to your life… you deserve anything that has benefited you personally, I know people who feel their diagnosis has helped them explain behaviors or why they couldn’t connect with people as easily… I was diagnosed with something as a child and found it to be very unhelpful, not quite true, and simply straight up depressing. Just all together unnecessary.. and I felt this over the top childhood diagnosis it hurt many of my relationships growing up at a time when i still had much to learn about simply enjoying the company of people… this race to diagnoses people with “mental illness.” I see it a lot in the world, particularly with my generation and younger being those largely getting diagnosed… and it’s not something I’m fond of. still it is ok if you have a mental dismiss you have personally found to be helpful in your life, a diagnosis that was helpful at explaining things or improving your situation.

Also given challenges in my life even when i have time to write I have no time to prof read, correct typos.. that is why i often release writing with lots of typos.. thank you for so many who are understanding.. the typos are a symptom of the ongoing chaos in my physical life, body issues and chaotic reality.. and not because i don’t ‘value’ the art of writing and communicating to people.

I used to imagine that one day i would give a Ted talk, speak publicly about subjects, like the epic of over-diagnosis of mental illness and out it effects how we feels about ourselves and other people. The side effects of medications.. weight gain.. and the physiological manipulation aka ‘peer pressure’ behind it all ironically reinforced by people who are supposed to be the designated “psychiatry” experts. It’s crazy how powerless I became.. despite having so many important things to share. Things the world needed to hear. It was even harder to accept my situation when i knew i wasn’t the only one suffering. I had come out of a childhood misdiagnosis that had impacted all my relationships… and i had so much to say and offer.. and yet now so many others would be left… thinking they were “ill” that they were simply “wrong in the brain” when this concept had never been based on since.. Mental illness.. it was a business. This fascination with the mind.. and hunting for problems in the ‘brain matter’ seemed to distract from understanding the physical and emotional realities of the world within us, and simply understanding my own feelings about life. In the race to make a “mental diagnosis” you might overlook a physical problem.. or emotional conflict the child has.. Also many of these “child mental illness” can be a way of scapegoating communication or social issues in the entire family, making these family social emotional connection troubles about the physical ‘brain matter’ of the child creates a complex trauma in the child’s mind that can multiply on top of emotional troubles that may already exist in the family. You have a ‘shy’ child that now believes they have a physical synaptic connection error in their brain that can make them feel even more alienated.. even more likely to give up on connecting with their peers. The diagnosis itself can compound upon fear or even cause a kind of ‘mental inferiority complex’ where one may not have existed before. that word, ‘complex’ really says it all. the whole thing is very complex. When the feelings underneath it can be very simple… and I’ve learned over the years that the feelings are what connect me to people.. not all that complex mental stuff. When you are used to suffering… feeling life can feel almost too easy.. almost too simple.

Mass diagnosis of mental illness can also be a way of scapegoating issues in society itself.. America and our value’s as a society. Many mental illness and learning disabilities have a flip side to them such as.. “if it wasn’t for this you would be “smarter”” “if it wasn’t for this you would be more productive” “more attentive at school” “more productive at work” “more profitable for society” “this diagnosis will help you to get back on track.. to become a smarter and more productive individual of society” “this diagnosis will help you address your “challenges” so you can self-improve your way to a more “successful” life.” We get into this rut of thinking we are ‘inherently’ wrong or bad. and that with lots of devotion to ‘self-improvement’ the world will love us more. We don’t take a lot of time to ‘appreciate’ the good that already is right here inside ourselves. they good we feel as children. it gets pushed out of the way so we can be more “positive” all the time.. so we can “aim higher”. Joy.. i don’t have time for that. I have “goals” to accomplish. It feels scary when people who are “there to help” only want to talk about your long term bigger ambitions and creative goals when you don’t even make enough money to eat properly. When you are designing between food and toilet paper. lets “get off this negative stuff” they will say. “It can’t really be that bad because if it was.. somebody would have done something about it right?” “Why is this important now? You’re probably just worrying too much. You’re worrying too much… it will all work out… later.”

It’s not just the problem that is wrong.. but the solution and the objective are also wrong. There are two sides to every story. It’s taken me many years to get out of that mind set.. so many people wanted me to become smarter and more productive.. and i wasn’t even fully aware of what had been driving me all that time… It took me a long time to realize that those values were hollow.. that the illness they diagnosed me with probably never existed to begin with… most of it was just the trauma and the aftershock of the childhood limes disease i had… They convince you at a young age you have “a life long problem” and will need medication for the rest of your life. and this is very profitable for the pharmaceutical companies… and for the very large amount of therapy and personal social workers my mom was willing to pay for.. all in service of this problem that never actually existed.. that went away the moment i was around my genuine friends.. when my heart was ‘in it’. Over the years I’ve learned to say not “how can i be a more productive person” rather “how can i be a more loving person” “how can i better honer and appreciate the goodness that is already inside me and already around me”

There has been a growing amount of proof that much of what we call “mental illness” is not scientific. Even though the behaviors are real.. it doesn’t mean that there is a physical synaptic error or what they call a “chemical imbalance” in the brain. there is no evidence of this what so ever. No brain scan that has proven this. Researchers have debunked it and given Ted talks about this.. but the companies are too profitable. They sway and pressure popular opinion. And companies are far too eager to sell lots of medications to fix this supposed “physical synaptic chemical balance” problem when the medications have so many harmful side effects (and they admit the chemical imbalance doesn’t explain anything and many of the causes of supposed mental illnesses that are so frequently diagnosed across huge groups involved lots of unknown complex factors in the brain).. and a simply placebo would be far less harmful. There are even Ted talks about it. But corporations are powerful.

For a long time I had been protected from it. I had options.. to think for myself. to not take meds in whatever context they were being offered.. As I’ve gotten a little older I’ve quickly become aware of something not feeling quite right.. the way in which capitalism really is a powerful force in the world. It’s sad that corporations can become very powerful and wealthy .. and present themselves like heroes.. having your best interests at heart… and have that not be the case.. to have pills forced into your body even when you’ve clearly said many times that it is causing you physical pain and severe problems. These corporations care about “you” and “your health”. I see it in so many categories of life.

How we are supposed to be this “democracy” yet big business his this psychological effect and influence on majority opinion… who gets elected… what we think of as right and wrong.. it’s scary when large amounts of money are behind something that is supposed to be about human health or well being. But what’s more scary is the way that unless you are really suffering.. you don’t even seem to notice that anything is wrong in the system. Some people are never given a chance. We are a democracy yet we keep electing people who’ve always been rich and related to other rich people.. people groomed for success… Profit is often behind what we think of as “success” and even though it is hollow it has a way of pushing aside our more basic needs… but we don’t see it because it’s so all pervasive. “I work this job every day because I am “responsible” “because i am “good””. Big companies provide so many jobs. The jobs are often provided by people who value profit. Not people, or a system that values love, things like “community values”, kindness, well being, physical health and longevity, etc.

We tend to value things like “productivity” and “pushing the limit” in America, even at the expensive of health. We are valued for being productive, for some large quantity of our physical or verbal contribution, and not for our health and the actual way we make people feel. “being productive” “staying motivated” It all sounds very inspirational.. and that’s what’s so confusing about it all..  it can become rather hollow… you have a very “productive” day.. and yet.. something is still missing. Because life never needed to be so hard. …We grow up learning to make it hard. The system is set up that way. There are lots of gray areas. But i have to speak my mind. Everything is all well and good when you are on the “right side” of it.. and then suddenly.. bam, you get injured.. something happens… but you don’t have a “diagnosis” suddenly you can’t afford to do anything. The system has no place for you.

You get treated like a villain just for being disabled. “Stop being unmotivated”. If you were “motivated” and “responsible” you would push through this and get back to work. I knew I had a responsibility to my own health.. but day after day.. that didn’t seem to matter. To have your body give out and be in so much pain.. yet people around you keep pushing you do to thinks… and even after you’ve burnt out completely… the pushing still continues. I’ve found the concept of “motivation” to be a scary thing at times… like an excuse to ignore our own human well being. “something isn’t right in my life… but i put in a lot of work.. people value me for my effort and drive.. so at the end of the day i know i am valued.. so i won’t worry about the burn out and emptiness i feel because i know it is for the ‘greater good'” but is just ignoring that ‘feeling’ that ‘whisper of the soul’ actually right. Keeping up with society can be very difficult.. so it feels like this amazing success to overcome the hurdles and thrive at your job.. to make money… but it still doesn’t answer a more basic question.. is this job we are doing.. right? as in right for the world ourselves and each other.

Most of us can’t ask this question because we are lucky to get a job at all. Yet that doesn’t mean we should give up all togather on asking the question, is this right? I know that my job in no way utilizes my full capabilities and value as a person or value to society.. but that doesn’t’ mean i can’t use my spare time to do something meaningful. It just feels scary that I’ve met a lot of people who felt what they were doing was right just because they were getting paid to do it. Like it was right to force people to take medication against their will because it was “for their own good”. You can have a hard and challenging job.. but that doesn’t actually mean it is right. Sometimes a challenging activity can actually be wrong for the world. I often hear people say the phrase “challenge yourself”. Yet I’ve seen it get taken pretty far out of context. It’s very deceptive when “challenge” can feel meaningful.. yet not actually make life more rewarding.

For me one of the most profound and challenging things in my life was to actually let go of this idea that life was supposed to be “challenging” that life is a constant “grind” or else there are no results. this “pain is gain” type thing. You get so used to “feeling the burn” “pushing the limit” “finding your edge” that you forget that your purpose in life is supposed to be deeply enjoyable… You forget that joy is the goal. The joy diminishes as you continue to challenge yourself, working out more, mediating more, letting go of things you love, but you tell yourself that “this pain will pay off later”. In truth … my most powerful healer .. has been joy.

It was strange.. how for years the strength of my motivation and drive to succeed had actually taken me away from “joy” … It was hard to accept that all that time i had been wrong.. when my body finally “crashed” it became obvious to me.. i was causing my own suffering… and i never needed to suffer. And yet there were still those in my life who after all this felt i should continue on just as i had. It was like this strange secret inside me.. I realized that i didn’t have to suffer to become a stronger person.. and people found it strange or even frustrating how I could appear be so lazy in my new philosophy on life, just ‘hanging around’ so much of the time, not seemly doing anything in particular.. yet be so creatively prolific and also perspective about things, emotions, situations, others didn’t seem to notice.

I remember my friend, my roommate Lucas saying “it’s really funny they way you notice things about the situation and turn it into humor.” and i said “sorry.. your mistaken.. I don’t read social situations.. I’m Autistic” It became like this on going joke. At one point this girl was basically asking my out.. and my friend is next to me grinning, and i say “Sorry.. I don’t know what your smiling at.. I can’t read social cues.” All those years my parets setted for “autims” as a good expalion for anything. as though i simply didn’t feel empathy or couldn’t read social cues. when ever was that the case.

I didn’t have a strong connection with my family.. and i got intimidated by the popular kids at school.. but that was only because i wanted to connect with them, because i was dying to get to know them. not because i couldn’t “feel empathy” or that i didn’t “know” the expressions they were making. i always knew. i didn’t couldn’t keep up back then, i didn’t have a clever come back, i didn’t have a witty remark. i wasn’t as funny as the other kids. Why was my mom so quick as so satisfied by the idea that something was wrong with my brain when i was 12? finally she had an explanation for why i didn’t always respond to her right away, why our interactions felt 2-dimensional at times. An explanation for what she didn’t feel connected to me. it was my fault. i was autistic. the doctor smiled and back her up on it. heard her side of the story.. and profited from her money. oh her money. One time she was upset that i was ignoring her and she took me to the doctor to get my hearing tested. the really thought something was wrong with my hearing. but because “hearing” is not a mental illness.. they confirmed that nothing was wrong and this was a surprise to her. Why was i the “autistic” one who didn’t notice things.

I was a kid. Kids don’t know anything. people told me “candy isn’t healthy.” “be social” “don’t miss the moment!” “video games are not healthy!” but it was a simple and strict way to do things. people didn’t tell me “why”. like “sugar is an additive chemical that over days and months can change the way you feel emotions, relate to others, and form explanations about what makes you healthy and happy.” or “technology adds lots of excitement to life, but actually in large quantities can become a dopamine feed back loop in your brain, not giving you real happiness, distracting form your real life.. slowly yet subtly taking away from your “real” happiness.” There were rules without explanations. Even as a kid i was very smart and could have understood this.

once i had limes disease but my parents didn’t even notice for three months until i was basically dying. that was growing up. and it only got worse, this whole “mental illness” reality we live in, when i started to develop physical problems much later. My strategies to meet people in life had not payed off.. and i was becoming increasingly exhausted.. people accused me of not trying hard enough when it was the opposite, and it became an opportunity for them to lay multiple new “mental diagnoses” on me. It had never made sense to begin with. I had spent my life debunking the befits of mental illness diagnosis.. and now it was like they were cranking up the volume on it even louder.. like a comedic tradgity.

I think sometimes the after effects of major physical illness or injuries.. or even simply something like “emotional trauma” is often mistaken for “autism” and diagnosed prematurely. Rather there is almost some kind of hunger or panic to know the problem that never needed to be known. A temporary physical and emotional trauma becomes a life long mental problem. i see it so often in myself and people around me it has become like this joke almost only me and a few of my close friends can get. The joke isn’t to make fun of autistic people or people anywhere on the spectrum.. but rather to make fun of society itself and it’s constant need to make everything mental.. to diagnose illness.. and the kind of underlying sadness of looking for problems and solutions in the wrong places.

Any time I’m watching a fictinal series on TV and a character gets injured in a fight or gets physically ill and they are not having a quick recovery I’m like “I think ti’s time that we inform them that they are “on the spectrum.” they need to know that we ..care.. about their… recovery.” It’s kind of funny to think about bat-man getting injured in a fight.. like more then usual.. like something internal that involves a strange poison.. it takes a few months to ‘flush it out’.. during this time bat-man is becoming more reclusive.. and then a concerned friend calls a doctor.. and helps batman out by giving him a diagnosis of “High Functioning Autism” that then goes on to effect the rest of his life. The autism pills help bat man to cure the autism.. but slow don’t his reaction time in combat. it sounds funny.. but stuff like this is happening more often then you would care to know.

Bat man is able to flush out the poison.. but now it takes him another ten years to convince the doctors that he is not autistic because they have already made up there minds.. and during this time he develops and insecurity complex… he he is in fact autistic because the poison has tainted his brain… it’s just a kind of paranoia.. but the situation went on for too long.. it got traumatic and now bat man isn’t sure what is real and what isn’t. but his friends are hear to help.. and he gets lots of therapy to help with his autism. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with being autistic.. yet because Bat Man doesn’t have the symptoms of autism he doesn’t want it to become common for his friends and associates to think he is autistic and to treat him differently. And yet because so many people catch the word about batman’s autism.. he is treated differently.. and it adds to the paranoia that he has in fact become something different and less then other people.

The poison is gone from his body now.. yet people treat him like it is still there.. so he starts to internalize that it is in fact still there. People slow down the meetings so “bat man” can understand. Even though he is still bat man for the most part at night. During the day.. his friends treat him like he is ‘slow’ in the mind. At night his instincts kick in and he goes back to fighting crime… yet in the light of day.. he start to fear he has become socially inept. He makes up for this by continuing to do what makes him feel confident… fighting crime.. yet the more time he spends doing this.. it only continues to make him feel unconfident when he is simply in the company of friends and other people socially. It doesn’t’ make an sense.. given how skilled and capable he is.. but something just ‘tenses’ up when he is around people. But a life time of talk therapy and pills are what the doctor prescribed.. and bat man is committed now.

on the one hand it’s a joke.. yet it’s also a way I keep pointing out societies constant need to ‘mentalize’ physical and emotional changes of life. And to make temporary problems permanent illness. Because if we can ‘mentliaze’ it we can ‘know’ it, we can ‘solve it’ .. yet the physical rleity gets blocked out. It’s “all in your mind” as they might say. Really the mind is just a simulation. yet saying it is all in the mind makes us feel like we are in control. It is a total contradiction. they can’t see their own reflection. doctors diagonals all these illness. protected behind a wall of material wreath and comfortable “materialistic science” they trust in what they can see and know. they tell you “stop worrying.. it’s all in your mind” and by doing that they keep you in your mind. hunting around to see “what went wrong in your thinking”. as though it was ever in your thinking.

Most people just want to feel loved and connected. “thinking” isn’t the root cause. Loneliness is. thinking a lot is just a symptom. a side effect. (unlike the medications which have potent negative “effects” they brush off as “side-effects”.) the older generation and doctors, the authorities in your life.. those who should be the keepers of wisdom.. they tell you to “get out of your mind.” But it has the reverse effect. but the probelms, the “feelings of disconnection” never came from your midn to begin with. Often the probelms they assign to you came from the minds of others. Saying “you silly over thinker.. stay out of your mind!” It has a reverse effect of keeping you in your mind. Wondering what you are doing wrong. “Where did i go wrong in my thinking?” When your instincts and impulses could actually be right.

The world is conditioning you. the older generations. the psychiatric industry. big pharma. Doctors who say everything is “in your brain”. it’s the ultimate cop out. it minimizes the physical reality. the inherent trauma of being alive on a spinning rock in the void of space. Life is fragile. We live in this “epidemic” of mental illness. So they say. Why do we have that when we are this rich happy country? Lets philosophize about that… The real question is… Why do we think we are ill in the first place? Because they the previous generation told us we are? Because they can’t stop thinking and worrying and projected their probelms on to us. and we internalized it. thinking we could control our parents emotions if we were “really good.” The so called “epidemic” of mental illness.. is manufactured by the drug companies. Who can’t stop seeing the world through their materialistic lense.

Society is ruled by the 1% and poor people don’t have probelms… it’s all “in your mind”.. aka it’s all “mental illness”.. doctors have converted “ignoring the probelms of others” into a sophisticated science. “You have a problem? just kidding… you just imagined it! now pay us to tell you so! to drug you and convince your families you are crazy.” even though this is logically inconsistent and it has never been the case with you.

I joke around a lot that “mental illness” is “trendy”. We are so happy to embrace the idea something is wrong with us. Now we have something we can work on.. we can fix. Then our parents will approve. To put it simple. what we call “Mental illness” is an over-complicated and abstract concept. There is no ‘brain scan” that offers physical prof of a synaptic error in your brain in the vast majority of cases. unless you have actual brain damage.. which is more obvious. aka Mental retardation.

don’t assume something is wrong in your brain. or that your brain can’t heal. The brain is alive. But it isn’t your primary power source. The heart produces an energy field that is larger then the brain and produces a stronger voltage. the body is electric.

If you want to improve your life. get healthy. think about what you eat. avoid a sugar rush. don’t stay on the computer too long. think about what is simple and real. don’t spend years using drugs or your own thoughts to find out what “went wrong” in your brain. nothing is wrong in your brain. most of life is driven by craving and raw emotion. get to the emotion. get to your heart. what is really going on. don’t let them keep you spinning.

“don’t think too much”… “it is all in your mind” it’s like one of those “truthful statements” that is constantly being taken out of context. “I’m poor.. I don’t have a good plan for my future. I have an undiagnosed medical condition” … “don’t worry.. it’s all in your mind.” You keep thinking about not thinking.. it is a total oxymoron. a paradox. they tell you “stop looping”.. but they are the loop. they are in your head. all those “wise voices” that taught you what to think growing up.

My intention was never to be “lazy” .. yet it became more clear to me that society was actually demonizing what i now found to be  essential success traits. Sometimes a lazy day can be protective… but then we stop showing our “lazy” side to others because we don’t want to feel shamed or insulted. we don’t want to get caught not being productive. And yet this shame and fear of peer invalidation effects how we ‘follow our feelings’ and our ability to make creative choices. I realized all my life i had been doing things because of some kind of ‘mass social influence’ not wanting to let people down.. not wanting to be called lazy. Finally i was just lazy.. and that was ok.  (just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it is good for the world)

It’s scary when the world wants to make you smarter and more productive .. yet doesn’t seem concerned about your more basic needs. I’ve seen other people who are supposedly “autistic” yet i can see how like me they are stuck in a state of perpetual panic and mental solutions that disembody them from their feelings and heart center. the flow of energy between people. People are labeled as “autistic” or a variety of other illness such as “add” or “bipolar”, that often consist of ordinary behaviors, often learned through family relationships… given labels because they are not attentive enough at school…, school which prioritizes intelligence, over emotions and social relationships, once again “brain” over “heart”.

Autistic people learn to be very intelligent to supposedly do what society wants.. yet their challenges are noting more then a symptom of society itself. And unlike me many people will never have the opportunity to “come down” out of the panic, out of the elevated state that involves thinking you need to be better or smarter then you are all the time. Never able to come down out of the trauma of it all. The ongoing emotional trauma of feeling disconnected from the meaningful relationships in life. Because there lives are simply too busy… and frequent business is valued in society. I find that so many cases of what we call “autism” are ‘learned behavior’ from the values of society around us. What we externalize or scapegoat as “child illness” it is inherent in the larger system. Yet doctors are quick to drug up children.. and it is very profitable. But even as a good person… it is hard to fight the system… for many it is easier to simply nod an go along with it. I know many good people who could do nothing to stop it. I see others struggling socially like once did and if i had a more stable home and financial life… I would be able to help them from a place of strength.. and enjoy doing it…

I’ve tried a variety of ways to make a little extra money that doesn’t include working additional hours of some kind of strenuous time consuming menial labor… nothing that would be hard for me a person likely to burn out… Even just something that would generate a few extra dollars every week or so. I’ve looked for ways to ‘innovate’ a little, around this concept of making money, getting creative with ways to bring in a few extra bucks. and i have been surprisingly unsuccessful. I’ve tried about five different methods of making money online… and am surprised to have turned 0$ after a few months. technically i made 2$ on a questing website… but i found it was not a reliable way of making money… the amount of time it took didn’t make it worth while for a few dollars. But i still had fun in the process. And there is still more to try out. But any help would be seriously appreciated. There is a possibility that in a few months i will be able to get on food stamps. But help until then would make a difference.

Around seven years ago i was culminating on a much bigger vision of what i wanted to do for the world. I was very spiritual and still am. I was learning so many things… and had significantly shifted out of the shy person i used to be who always felt ‘cut off’ from the relationships in my life. I never really told anyone… but i had learned so many profound things.. things had held me back.. and yet no one had really stepped forward in my life to illuminate silly things i was doing that were holding me back. Like being too self critical. Thinking i needed a “big transformation” or that socializing hat to be difficult. The irony is most of my life i was trying way to hard in regards to people.. and that was why i was getting less results.. i was conditioned over and over to think that socializing was supposed to be difficult.. it has to be easy.. that is the only way it can be. if it feels difficult then you aren’t doing it write. you are not in the animal of your body, you are out of the emotions and into the mind.. as society told me to be. I was making obvious mistakes.. but society was telling me to go right on ahead.. just keep trying harder.. the problem is “you are not motivated enough” so “try harder” like “try way harder.” that was the advice i was consistently getting. It was a total mindfuck.

The advice society gave me kept me in constant burn out.. in a delusion where simply socializing with people was way harder then it needed to be. There were always more solutions for me to try … and it just feed into the illusion that a problem had ever existed in the first place.. it all kept me ‘feelin’ the problems.. and using my mind to fix them. It kept me insecure. in a lie. Making friends was so much easier the the world made it to be. It feels like I could write a whole article on the advice society gave me and how it kept me spinning in the nonsense. You also seem to hear a lot about how things like fun and relaxation are basically “laziness” and how you should be accomplishing something … all the time. It is a scary kind of validation seeking type thing.. and it’s long sense been forgotten where it actually came from.. that it isn’t acutely helping. It often felt like my passions were silly or a distraction from reality. Liking girls.. that’s a “fantasy” stop that. Writing books.. that’s not “real” .. stop talking about that.

It felt like some of the adult figures in my life were often looking for an “error in my brain” to try and explain why i  had felt cut off from people growing up. what i had a hard time meeting women.. mainly. And in my own mind.. it was like a meta-version of the same thing.. I was often looking for the “error” i was making in my thought process. What none of them seemed to realize.. what that i had already amalgamated the best of their advice and was applying it to myself.. trying to find what i was doing wrong..how i could improve.. what skills i could implement.. but it was all in vain. it was a complex. it wasn’t real. The fear.. put in to me from the outside.. it became me.

Society had conditioned me to be like this. and it took me until i was 25… i remember it so well. when i finally became to notice that the whole thing was type of “complex”. It was really emotional.. even more then it was mental. and the irony of it all want that nothing was ever “wrong” and a part of me had always known that. It felt so profound and important. And i could see it now more clearly that many people around me were struggling … people my age.. having a hard time ‘feeling connected’ to people, just as i had for so long.  When you feel like it is constantly difficult to have deep meaningful connections with people… when you around new people and it feels scary for some reason… like they could be judging you…. this is a kind of panic response.. but i never noticed it was there.. that i had this hidden panic response that was actually what had been cutting me off from deeper connections the whole time…

there had never really been anything wrong with my ‘skills’ or my ‘tactics’ or my ‘talking points’… there was this far more important thing underneath it all…. that i often ‘felt empty’ with my home life… and when i felt i liked a group of people.. i would still shy away from them… choosing to continue to go home and feel empty inside… but the thing getting in my way was this panic response… that only happened when i was around groups of people i liked… in those moments when i ‘felt’ meaningful connection was possible… part of my would stiffen up… and start employing all these ‘social tactics’. I had never truly relaxed around a group of people.. so i didn’t know what that felt like.. it can really feel magical.. it is magical in a way. And i could see now that people around me were like me… it was hard to get out of that “fight or flight” mode… that panic, stiffen up, go blank, mode.

I would go blank around people often.. yet it was only because i placed so much emphasis on the words… All this heart energy gets funneled up into the mind…. I was spending energy reaching for something i never needed to begin with. for all this time. it’s scary… how normal it is.. to spend your entire life time doing stuff like this. to use words like badges of justification to give people an excuse to like you. like other people in my family had… I never needed it… because humans are social as a species.. it gets complicated when we “think” we are not good at being social. yet we rely on the kind of energy feedback loop we get from each other. it is a source of life. yet it is not there to be earned and proven worth of. it is just there to be enjoyed. and it took me so long to notice this basic fact. that i could simply “enjoy” being around people… and that was all it took… that was the most fundamental thing.

for 20 years what i had devoted so much time to improving (social skills, talking to women, writing long complex fantasy novels to ‘get famous’ because that might help me get a hot girlfriend lol)… what i had thought was a “strategic” problem… had been an emotional trauma. It feels traumatic when you are consonantly afraid you can’t have deep meaningful connections in your life. and that’s just what it is. it is about relationship. it isn’t about you. you think it is. it is about something much bigger. relationships is bigger then the neurons in your brain. it isn’t your fault if your body is frozen in a fear response. but you have the power to change it.. but that means knowing it isn’t your fault.

being stuck in “fight or flight” isn’t a problem in your brain. it’s not a mental illness. it’s a deep primal nervous system response. you can teach your body to calm down in situations where it becomes tense and your mind scatters. It is scary.. like loosing your identity.. but you can learn that you don’t actually need to do a thing. You don’t need drugs and psycho therapy. you don’t need an endless stream of “permanent” brain illnesses diagnosed in the minds of 12 year olds to shape there thinking for life. it’s not your fault it happens.. but you can change it.. but changing it mean’s recognize that it isn’t your fault. it is a choice or a mistake you consciously made. it was there in you from the beginning. or at least it is like this for many of us.

Society covers a massive expansive group with the term “mentally ill” and this creates this.. impression.. that everyone else is normal. So we try harder, and harder to be like those “normal people”.. Following to some extent.. the advice they give us. As far as it applies to us.

Feeling disconnected has to do with how you are raised.. it’s a whole family dynamic.. and really a dynamic in the lager society. it isn’t an illness in your mind. When the illness is identified.. it creates a decoy.. a symptom.. a straw man.. that keeps us focused inwards.. distracted from what we want. to simply know that we are “already awesome” and free to speak about our passions with others.. play by our own rules.. and go directly for the results we want.

When it continues on like that. when you talk to people.. yet always feel afraid that it isn’t genuine. often it is there right from the beginning. because really so much energy comes from human connection. I sued to think ‘genuine’ connection meant talking about a deep subject for an extensive period of time… yet it’s funny how little it can take… just eye contact and a few simple and jokes now and then, told for my own enjoyment as much as the joy of others.. making observations about the feelings of other people around me… or events around me.. humor in the little things… and you can feel very connected… it has so much more to do with how people make you feel.. and how you make yourself feel, how what you think about and value makes you feel moment by moment.. then how many words were spoken or even what was said. But something tricked me.. right from the beginning…. i grew up learning how important it was to be smart and successful.. and i always felt afraid to have a conversation without demonstrating that i could be both… all that time it had distracted me from the truth. People don’t want “successful smart productive” friends who make them feel tense or uneasy because they are so good at life it hurts. Those aren’t the most primary qualities we look for in a friend.. or in anyone really. People want to be happy. But sometimes we don’t even know that ourselves.

There were never synaptic errors in my minds.. mental illness. learning disabilities.. i never made sense.. but it took most of my life to truly understand why. the thing that disconnected me form people was never more then a “fight or flight” response.. one that was to deep and intrinsic to my way of life.. i never thought to question that it was there.. until i began hearing more about “trauma therapy” and getting what that was just from randomly being around people who were talking about it.

I never noticed the “fight or flight or freeze” response because it was unconscious and it only happened in specific situations.. around large groups of people, new people, or people I perceived as popular… it was less likely to happen with people i knew.. yet it would happen more in “higher energy” situations.. but it would just leave me thinking i was “stupid” not knowing the acutely reason i “froze” up. School conditions you to think like this. “I must just not have been smart enough.” That is why i am not being validate here. i need to be getting a better grade in this social interaction (subconsciously). Maybe i really do have a “brain illness”. Both of these things take you into your mind.. thinking you need to be smarter.. thinking you might have a hard wired synaptic illness.. It keeps you thinking.. and kept me distracted from noticing how i was actually feeling.. it kept my body very stiff.. society keeps you thinking.. and that actually makes it more likely for people to precise you as “autistic” or some other form of “mentally ill” … even through the values of society itself are causing this behavior. The pressure to be smarter.. causing you to you to respond and tackle the disconnected feeling in this manner.

Back then i didn’t notice that much how i ‘felt’ around people.. and a rarely took the time to actually ‘enjoy’ the company of people when i was in new situations… I wanted to know what people were thinking, i wanted to be able to speak more, to follow the complexity of it all.. yet that just felt so complicated. In group situations… i would freeze up.. and not even know what was happening. i didn’t know it was fear. because the fear was so old.. it had always been there… from birth. It was fear.. but also with misguided values placed over-top the fear. i was focusing everything on the words, the dialogue between people, and nothing on the feelings.. what do others actually want? what do i actually want? There was this stiffness. this fear inside me. yet i didn’t identify it as an emotion. and to not have it be there any more… was profound. If you had asked me back then if i was afraid around people… i never would have said so. I never felt afraid.. because i couldn’t feel my own emotions. I had been rendered so stiff.

Now everything was shifting. and this felt so profound.. I felt that i might become some type of guru… simply because everyone needed to know about this… the way i had been living life up until this point felt so backwards. Its hard to be struggling so much with both food money, finding long term housing, in addition to physical disabilities… not being able to get help or a diagnosis for that. Everyone in my life thinks it is someone else’s job to help with that stuff.. they help me within the boundaries of what their job position allows. When the doctor can’t help you.. it falls on you to be your own doctor. and I’ve got myself out of many difficult salutations.. and brought vitality back into my life when for months i was paralyzed in bed. So much of it had to do with subtle body awareness. maybe i don’t need to be a guru. but often feel there is more i can do to give back. It has to involve a more stable income.

UPDATE: I have saved a lot of the money and improved my health and focus by quitting both caffeine and sugar drinks. (By a lot i mean 10$ here and there a week) This has allowed me to save money to eat at home.. so my life can have more of a normal rhythm.

You can read more about my story here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/8ayqm-healthy-life