Love & Dating, how did this take so long to notice??


I used to think smart words and big confidence could make you love me. Years of always trying.. yet never enough. It’s taken so long.. to realize a few simple, yet permanent changes. Now I see a different kind of ‘play flow’ in speech and connection. I enjoy myself, and often now it’s you who comes to me. You come to me without effort. I talk to you, without needing a reason. It’s almost annoying that it took this long to realize something so simple.

I always thought people were ‘getting’ relationships, now I think they were just semi-unintentionally attracting them, while being in a social field/ large friend network.

Simply looking at you, listening to you, was desirable for you. Somehow I assumed it wasn’t. Playfully pondering your words and emotional experience, even at the risk of a conversational pause, is a good thing. Just smiling at you without needing a reason/explanation. Or making up an explanation as an ‘act of play’ that may have not even been the reason why I was smiling.

Being with you, yet not being hyper-focused on you. Enjoying your presence yet relaxed enough to enjoy myself as well. Almost as I do when I’m alone. My natural enjoyment was reaching you on its own. It seems looking and gazing doesn’t require words. At times subtle energy could be more effective then the big. Words didn’t have to be clever to entertain you, but rather fun enjoyable for me; creating an atmosphere enjoyable for us both.

Enjoying and noticing random things around me, subtle sources of light and play feeding me. That speech or observations could be random or free form. I could connect, relate emotionally to your experiences and enjoy those thoughts, not only relate to you intellectually or creatively, but emotionally. That thinking less was better then over thinking. Speech came not solely as an informational exchange, but and act of play.

Attraction and love isn’t just ‘ethereal magic’. play and human presence builds real energy, heart field. actual photons, partial energy, is constantly bounding off us weather we want it or not. play and relaxed enjoyment release stress and sets that energy free. (power of play)

That basic questions or statements could sustain connection and go surprisingly far

“How are you?”
—This is what I did today.—
“Do you like traveling?”
“Do you have pets?”
“What did you do today?”
“What to you enjoy?”

… Knowing that I was worthy to ask. It gets easier with practice. Just ‘feeling’ that what i have to say matters. That i matter just as I am. That I am worth her time. I am worthy of her gaze.

Follower calm conversational statements like

“that reminds me of ______”


Just enjoying and free associating ideas. That a pause was not to be feared, but enjoyed. People simply enjoyed the act of sharing or being around someone. That rich connection blossomed from simple enjoyment, and returned to simple enjoyment, and blossomed again to rich connection. That anything could be more fun when there were two of us. So saying ‘this random thing is fun’ wasn’t a lie. That a seemingly insignificant thought or noticing became significant, merely by the act of saying it, sharing it with another person. That I was connected to you, even before the point of touching you. I didn’t need to hunt for the moment to hold your hand, or be in a hurry to kiss you too fast simply to ‘confirm’ that progress had been made. There was a much more important connection already happening if I simply learned to let it. You could want me on your own, without me having to make you. Then we could hold hands for the pure enjoyment without me needing that type of thing as a sign of ‘approval’ or admittance from you.

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Then I saw Fear, now I see Play.

Once in middle-school I was saying something to a teacher after class, I put one finger up in this weird kind of way, sort of like this goofy hand gesture ‘I’m making a point, yet playing on myself at the same time’, I didn’t know why I was doing it, I just felt like it. She touched her finger too mine in an et. kind of way. and said “I just felt like touching it” at the time I thought she was making fun of my weirdness. But now I think that it was an act of play, for both of us. However weird, that was one of our most connected moments.

I think I had thought she was judging me… because once earlier in the year I borrowed this large fiction book, and she said something that implied i wasn’t smart enough to read it. I went to ask if I could take it home… and she looked at me and was like “too hard?”. I was used to this. Used to people thinking i was less intelligent then i was. and because of this I assumed she would always be condescending to me, rather then notice that was something that could change quickly depending on how i resounded to her. a relaxed response vs a stiff one. But i realize that play transcends our judgments. We all have an innate yearning for play and connection, even when society predisposes us to certain stigmas and judgments, we can transcend these quickly in play… we have moments where we go past the judgment. And part of it is learning not to expect the judgment before it is there.

I have 1000 examples like this. Times I thought people were indifferent, rejecting, making fun of, that weren’t true, they were actually opportunities for play or subtle connection.

All this time I thought I was seeing the world the way it was, uncomfortable, loud, noisy, smelly, bothersome, but now I think I was just catching the debris, my negative heart field was magnetizing and picking up more negative energy, negative sensations, creating a negative perception of reality that became real. Now it’s like literally stepping into a different reality. Drawing attention to positive sensations, I begin to have more positive sensations. You really have to commit and believe the world is bright, when I’m deep in the rut of not knowing a happy life.