Once in middle-school I was saying something to a teacher after class, I put one finger up in this weird kind of way, sort of like this goofy hand gesture ‘I’m making a point, yet playing on myself at the same time’, I didn’t know why I was doing it, I just felt like it. She touched her finger too mine in an et. kind of way. and said “I just felt like touching it” at the time I thought she was making fun of my weirdness. But now I think that it was an act of play, for both of us. However weird, that was one of our most connected moments.
I think I had thought she was judging me… because once earlier in the year I borrowed this large fiction book, and she said something that implied i wasn’t smart enough to read it. I went to ask if I could take it home… and she looked at me and was like “too hard?”. I was used to this. Used to people thinking i was less intelligent then i was. and because of this I assumed she would always be condescending to me, rather then notice that was something that could change quickly depending on how i resounded to her. a relaxed response vs a stiff one. But i realize that play transcends our judgments. We all have an innate yearning for play and connection, even when society predisposes us to certain stigmas and judgments, we can transcend these quickly in play… we have moments where we go past the judgment. And part of it is learning not to expect the judgment before it is there.
I have 1000 examples like this. Times I thought people were indifferent, rejecting, making fun of, that weren’t true, they were actually opportunities for play or subtle connection.
All this time I thought I was seeing the world the way it was, uncomfortable, loud, noisy, smelly, bothersome, but now I think I was just catching the debris, my negative heart field was magnetizing and picking up more negative energy, negative sensations, creating a negative perception of reality that became real. Now it’s like literally stepping into a different reality. Drawing attention to positive sensations, I begin to have more positive sensations. You really have to commit and believe the world is bright, when I’m deep in the rut of not knowing a happy life.