The Passion

It feels frustrating. There are a lot of attractive women in the world. I see them a lot. the passion is so intense that I feel. but I can rarely tell if they are interested. they inspire so much passion. I can write novels and novels about them. Sing songs. Writing poetry. accomplish all kinds of things, driven by this passion that is about them, just from them, there basic existence, the fact that they exist in time and space. they breath. they exist. but do they even notice? these girls i feel attracted to. do they feel the passion? or do they just exuded it. At the gym today i saw three different beautiful women over the course of an hour or two. each inspired feelings of intense passion with me. over time the feelings only seem stronger. The strength is actually the same as always. yet to the ‘soul’ perhaps it feels stronger. it feels as though the feelings should be answered, when you first have them at like, 13 say, it was for me.

For a long time i was starting to figure that i really would be the next “40 year old virgin”. but then at age 29, it happened. and I’m not so ‘proud’, about it all, I don’t need sex to validate my worth and existence to the world. I realized i had long since let go of that, and what was most surprising after sex what how little actually changed. and yet it was good to finally feel like this “important chapter” had been written in the story of my life. it did restore much faith in the ‘universe’ which was becoming an increasingly ‘morally ambiguous’ / difficult to redeem kind of place. The world seemed to be a confusing and lonely place full of many truly good people…. countless ‘stray souls’, well meaning individuals.. tangled in loops of stress and nonsense perpetuated by a capitalistic productivity driven society. So many good people.. who’s intentions seemed to be unwittingly ‘hijacked’ by a society that just wanted us all to be ‘better faster smarter’ all the time.

There was lots of goodness in the world, I had felt it before, yet it felt difficult to connect to it somehow, there was too much chaos. and all it took was something random, like Lyme disease, or an unexpected injury and your entire fragile connection to the ‘goodness’ of life could be cut. it all felt too fragile… for this to be the ‘true reality’, for this to be the true place where good people are meant to thrive and belong.

I was always driven by these feelings for women. At first i was very attracted, but i learned to be less so. I would move on, to the next one, and the next one. Becoming increasingly bold, and even a bit ‘swave’. but still i was not easy. I notice it is becoming increasingly hard to care, i find myself becoming increasingly bold. I will just gaze into the eyes of strangers if i think they are attractive, or even if i just think they need some love, or i like something about their energy, or mostly i look for times where that connection just wants to happen, this connection that doesn’t always require words. for too long i was so tangled up in the ‘words’ as i tried to get girls to notice me. but then i came to the realization that many girls could be attracted to the ‘Tarzan’ type of man, who doesn’t even need to know English, but just ‘exudes ‘this sexy masculine energy. i brought more attention to my body. and it was true. i noticed I had put years into finding the right words, but i continued to notice important moments where the words didn’t matter, where they even got in the way, where even simply ‘thinking’ about the right thing to say seemed to distract from the energy of life itself. i became aware that even my thoughts had a real existence as energetic pules, and the time i spent just wondering about what to say to girls, distracted from something more important. the energy of connection.

Early in life my parents devoted lots of time teaching me to ‘read’. they were afraid i wouldn’t know how to read. that i was struggling with the English language even. I almost died of Lyme disease when i was five. and it seemed hard to re-adjust to normal living. i had all these vocabulary words drilled into my head, at a time early on when i was just learning to relax again, to feel emotions, i was struggling to feel connection to people. there was some kind of ‘energetic’ quality about it i noticed growing up. the energy of groups of people at parties for example could be very refashioning, but it was new, i didn’t trust it some how, because my brain thought a lot about the words. i saw the words as more important then the emotions, then that ‘healthy’ feeling inside you. Perhaps because i had rarely truly felt it, i didn’t know it was there really. the ’emptiness’ felt normally. i became increasingly used to it.

Today at the gym i noticed people were trying to get into a locked door behind me. At one point i opened the door for these two painfully beautiful girls. very pretty and curvy. I looked into this girls eyes and said “you need to show me your I.D. to get in here.”

She looked surprised.

“Just kidding” I said.

She laughed “you got me.”

Then i let them go on with their business. I was glad to have that moment. Sometimes even when i am in the mood to meet a women, I notice i pull back. I know “David DeAngelo” or “Mystery” from the Mystery Method, would have all kinds of lines and strategies, but emotionally i feel really hurt and afraid of women sometimes. I feel very fed up and dejected around the idea of making this ‘effort’ to try and attract them. How many times had I gone the extra mile and got all ampted up and invested and it turned out to be for no reason?

Conversely I notice that girls could be very impressed sometimes when i am not making an effort at all, because that’s when i relax. I was talking to this beautifl shopkeeper girl at the mall, and it was strange, like magic she was so warm and friendly, and i began to worry then about how i could attract her it’s like the moment i start to worry i feel disconnected, and the moment i stop worrying, stop caring, i zone out and think about music or something random, and then she looks and me and actually starts smiling and dancing to some music that was playing in the background. It was like i didn’t even have to say anything. I could have asked her to “hang out” or something. I could even go back to that shop and ask her. I haven’t done something like that in years, but it’s exactly the kind of thing i would do. I don’t give a shit. But I actually had to move to a different town because i was living with mom and didn’t really have a job in that area.

Back on the gym story. I walk by this beautiful girl again on the way out. It is frustrating because she is just sitting their with her friends, they seem friendly, it seems like it would be almost easy to talk to them, in comparison to most ‘scenarios’ at least. I didn’t really have anything to say. But the one truly superb looking girl kept getting up and walking around. At one point i just looked into her eyes, she was the one I had made the joke to earlier. I noticed she met my eyes, she didn’t have to. But i felt like there was something there. It’s strange that small moments like this give me a sense of peace.

Something similar happened at the mall a few weeks ago. I noticed a lot of great looking women. I pay more attention to the vibes and the energy of a place now. I was just enjoying the energy of the mall. I noticed i made eye contact with two or three different girls, there were many girls i noticed, but these ‘two or three’ of them seemed to notice me too, and look back into my eyes. and that felt nice. i felt like something emotion passed between us. something good or pleasant.

The last girl i notice, she was extremely curvy. I used to see this like some kind of ‘forbidden desire’, like it was some how more ‘pure’ to go after the girls who made you feel romantic and not the ones who made you feel sexual, but their all equally important as people, and I’ve learned over time that the sexual part of myself is actually good and important.

So i notice this extremely sexy girl, she is not just sexy, she is definitely extremely sexy. And i make eye contact with her. I can’t even believe how big and perfect her curves are. I’ve seen curves like that before, but mostly on the internet. even if her butt was half the size i still would have felt a strong attraction to her, it makes you wonder why evolution even needs women to look that good when they would be amazing even if they were only half as good looking.

so anyway this girl looks into my eyes, she meets my gaze for a moment. I kind of started it of course, but i felt like she noticed my passion, it was like i felt it in her eyes, she liked it. but it was such a brief moment. it’s hard to know for sure. I mean she was so sexy. And i have never succeeded with a woman like that. Actually i can remember one other time when i felt a woman just that hot and curvy was into me, but back then i was struggling a lot more to know what to say and do so i just gave up on the conversation with her, even if i had tried to go further it might have just made it worse, that’s the sad thing really. sometimes courage just gets you killed ’emotionally’. I wasn’t ready back then, i wond’t have known what to do or say. I deserved love sure, don’t we all, but it’s really not obvious what to say to women. When i spend more time noticing emotions in myself and others it becomes a lot more obvious, when i am enjoying myself, but it didn’t feel like many people were telling me to do that. it seem like most people i asked had no idea what i should say or do any more then i did, even the people who were succeeding in love didn’t seem to know how, it was just “this mystery” the natural magnetic connection of the universe, the magic of “being yourself” or something, it just “happened” yeah that was helpful advice. and those people who naturally succeed all the time aren’t even supposed to know I supposed, and thinking they ‘know’ is almost a problem. It can be a problem if i depend on their advice and forget my own intuition or instincts. There is an interesting rhythm to balancing your connection to ‘self’ and to ‘others’ and it involves having fun and noticing your emotions and staying relaxed is very important I’ve learning over the years, and you can get ‘the hang of this’ and it gets much easier with time and practice, but it is not obvious or easy at all for many of us. and many will claim that it is easy or should be, and it is for sure to some, but claiming that meeting women or the opposite sex is ‘easy’ is almost a kind of insecurity, it is a need to ‘stand out’ or look good, to tell the world that you have it all figured out. i feel like most of us don’t know. and that was a major realization for me. I always figured other people knew and i didn’t for some reason.

Anyway this girl at the mall meets my gaze, and it feels nice. It’s frustrating how many years I’ve waited to find a woman like that. I remember seeing this attractive women around seven years ago and finally deciding, this is it, within the next seven days, I am going to approach and meet and date and have sex with a woman like that. I’m done waiting. I’m done being afraid. I’m done letting the confusion of it all get to me.  I had really hit the wall. The feelings were so intense, and there were so many women out there, the more i got out in public, the more i noticed there were more beautiful people out there then i ever imagined or thought possible, yet meeting them was not easy. So i became very driven then. I was around 23. However this became the start of a very dark time in my life. It was a very good and motivated time. but it lead to a crash. I was already pushing hard. and now i stared pushing harder. talking to more people. working out longer and harder hours. Doing these crazy multi hour meditations. there is no end to the list of insane things i did, and it all began from that passion to meet women. I was so furious, that i can remember even as a 13 year old, other 13 year olds were dating each other. And yet even now it was still quite hard to get a single date with a girl, i mean i could now and then, but nothing beyond that really. The dates i got were with good girls, and that felt good, but i noticed there was girls that made me feel even stronger passion just looking at them, and i struggled just getting dates with the girls who were a bit below that attractiveness level, girls that were pretty and good, but often i would see girls that would just fill my whole heart with passion just to look at them, and it was frustrating because i was convincing myself my life was a success yet there was still this category of girl that I was not scoring with at all. And often the girls would hesitate to say we were ‘dating’ they would call it ‘hanging out’ but still it felt great, like progress. but around this time when i was 23, getting a date or two with a pretty girl no longer felt like enough. I needed a girlfriend, or a least to make love to someone that made me feel strong passion. I had a lot of other creative passions and things to be grateful for in my life, yet the romance, that human connection element, was non existent, and that felt like the most important thing of all.

I could create a conclusion about how ‘things have improved’ which they have. but it isn’t important to ‘draw conclusions’ about everything in life, even though we feel we should for some reason. Sometimes I stop myself in the middle of sentences, feeling like I should have an ‘answer’ or a ‘conclusion’ and noticing i don’t need one. This is like a journal entry, it is on going, there is no conclusion


The truth is… five years ago I had this big dental operation done. I was pressured into it. It felt really unnecessary. But i wanted my parents to stop worrying. I am often in pain. It’s a choice i can’t undo. It holds me back from meeting woman, from enjoying life. I am afraid, even if I meet a woman I won’t be able to feel it. Lots of people with ongoing dental problems and dental pain are driven insane by it, they become grouchy, unlovable. It’s a nightmare. I used to be this noble warrior. Now it’s hard for me to speak with consistency. I get by making one word jokes. My struggles with women remind me of who I used to be, when i had hope. The truth is, I don’t struggle with women as much as i used to. the main struggling now is the dental pain. even if i get a woman, the pain prevents me from ‘being the man she needs’. and from really enjoying it myself. I’ve done a lot of research to heal this pain, but the technology is not there yet. I am still learning more. I can’t improve the pain, so i try to improve the quality of my life, i try to bring more joy into my life. Five years ago i began having cardiac pain… but the doctor never found anything wrong with me. it debilitated me. But i had to live on with it quietly. My family just acted like i had ‘gone insane’ or ‘become lazy’, it was the hardest time of my life because of the pain, and because people seemed to think so little of me, there was nothing i could do. A doctor came to my house. pushing drugs. He convinced my dad to force these pills on me, which weren’t even designed to help. they were like ‘autism pills’ it was embarrassing. And the drugs made me exhausted. I told the doctor drugs made me want to kill myself. that was when they literally sent the police to my house and locked me up for a while. It took a long time to get out of that. there is a much longer story here. maybe I will make it a separate post. I wanted to keep this blog optimistic and ‘give back’ to the world, but i want to open up about the truth of how dark my life really is, and the constant adversity i have faced just to stay alive. I’ve had to be my own doctor through it all, no one else could help with the pain. People kept remecomending yoga, acupuncture, meditation, therapy, my life was already structured around those things, that stuff was big in my family, i had an abundance of it, yet people recommended ‘more’. I eventually realized that my body was so weak and susceptible to pain, because it could all be connected back to the Lyme’s Disease i had when i was five. (yes I mentioned this in the ‘creepypasta’ story, 45% of that story is just straight up real events if you were wondering. creepypasta is supposed to be horror that is based on a real life story) The Lyme’s Disease explain a lot. Almost dying as a kid had left me more feeble then the average bare. but this was another conclusion I reached on my own, actually i think a fried gave me the idea, but I had to be my own doctor, my own investigator though so much of this, doctors i talked to, seemed to live by the book. I still don’t have a real diagnosis, even though i am chronically exhausted and in pain half the time. If i work more then 3 hours i get stabbing heart pain like i am dying and it is scary as hell. But i still have mom in my life to tell me i should be motivated to make more money and work more. I don’t want to die just so the world thinks i am a motivated individual.


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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

19 responses to “The Passion”

  1. Really enjoyed reading this! It’s quite interesting to learn about how a man struggles to deal with passion and everything that comes along with it. Thank you for sharing! 🌞🙏🏻

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you. the struggle is real.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. You should just embark on your passions!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Refreshing to read something so personal and honest. Fantastic perspective/example of what it’s like to be a guy. I liked the ending too. It’s not often I’m riveted by blogs these days but this was fresh, also with a clear love for humanity in general, to which I can strongly relate. Just great.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. I appreciate that people are nice about this more ‘intense’ post. it pushes the envelope I guess. this is more of an emotional post in some ways, rather then rational. The story of it all is complicated. I want to expand more on it all the future. I wanted to forgive the past, but when challenges in life are on-going it made it harder to.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Just make the move, like everything in life if you don’t move and try it you’ll never know. And that actually makes me mad when I think of the opportunities I might have missed for not making a move.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow! Nice write. I’ve having similar issues, but mostly in my friendships. I usually try to attract the attention of the people I want to befriend. It almost comes naturally to me. But seeing how you did, it’s definitely not ‘easy’ as others say. Thanks a lot for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The fine line between passion and obsession, between human being and object, between fear and confidence? Shallow versus depth? Where is your boat moored? Without an anchor finding another lacks authentic substance. Who are you in essence other than a drive to possess something other.


  7. The no ending part was a little dampening by given the volume of meandering. As a creative peace uses non-conventional devices, as an accurate portrayal of self, it hints at something quite perturbing may need your undivided attention….to…..well let’s not put an ending here….


    1. “The fine line between passion and obsession” someone I knew growing up says that all the time, like chronically, and she was obsessed… with fixing the problems other people had. It should be commendable, you could she was ‘motivated’. My obsession is becoming better so people can’t hurt me. And I am obsessed. I am creative and loving and have a lot to offer who ever is lucky enough to chose me. I have dated people. Yet I still feel like I’ve met a lot of people who were way to selective. I feel frustrated with the limited options. People who rejected me ‘on sight’ because they were too preoccupied to have a conversion. The world scares me. People are so busy busy but like what are we even doing? Lots of good people end up dead. People survived misfortune and find reasons to keep on living and yet other people tell them the misfortune only did so much damage because they were not motivated to survive it, and if you are motivated enough you just become immune. I have a hard time knowing if this world is a good place sometimes, but my only ambition is to become stronger as a person. strength of soul. I don’t have to make myself exhausted proving to people that i am a ‘good person’. All people are good. I was shaped and molded by people who were good at finding the flaws in people, and doubting the basic goodness of others.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmmmm… objective sounding board can help test many of these assumptions that form your world belief….some of which may have served you well in the past but simply don’t work now. If it is working for you and your happy, great. If not an old fashioned therapist for good, intelligent people with a traumatic past can do wonders. That being said, coping with suffering while not being driven by expectations of others is one key to life. But what if our own plan or expectation is misguided?


  8. Hi there wildcompassion43:

    Thanks for looking at and liking my blog, Universe Family Healing yesterday about “Fear is From the Spirits”. I am available to connect you to our Universe. This will take all of those February blues away. Please go the next step and contact me for a Universe Family Healing Session. It is only $25.00 now in February. And it is worth it. I provide real healing.


    universefamilyhealer aka Julia Angel

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate your honesty. It was a great read.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You’re a modern day Petrarch!


    1. I think you are joking. I’m sorry for replying if this was a joke, but I wrote a reply lol so for those who actually say stuff like that to me: My life has a dark side, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I don’t want to rule over woman, it couldn’t be more the opposite. I want a woman, that doesn’t mean I want to control them in any way. I’m basically a feminist. I hate the way I was ignored in the past, but even the anger is like a motivator to try to make the world more right, I still jump at the chance to do something positive for girls. I want women to rule over me, because that would be epic, … not if they don’t love me. All men feel desire, we keep it to ourselves so we don’t offend people. Desire is actually a motivator. It’s too repressed in our society. We treat desire like it is offensive. In my book the woman is the ruler. because that’s what is missing here. femininity. the struggles in society are like stoicism, masculinity, repetitiveness. When I find a confidant woman who is also friendly, I treat her like she is a hero, because she’s what the world needs more of. There are people in this world, who if you can’t get a girlfriend, they make you feel like you ‘deserved’ to be alone, like “dude you must be some really possessive patriarchal motherfucker.” I’m the shy guy who got ignored.


      1. Haha I think you misunderstand me. Petrach was a poet from the middle ages. He wrote about his love for women he had only seen in passing. He had a very elemental poetic style, drawing on the sun, the wind and the moon to describe the female form.

        I am not for one second calling you a patriarch, which is an entirely different thing.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. LOL i totally misunderstood you. I’m actually a really normal person in the outside. Some people have called me possessive (like my mom lol) for loving women to such an extent in the rare moments when I open up about it. But many people don’t even know that about me. I decided to open up about it in this post for the first time really, to this extent I mean. The truth is I am a very sexual person, driven by that, and love equally, the sex isn’t even good without the love. they can’t be separated. But most guys are sexual and we just don’t talk about it in public. it is further enhanced by how much of my life i have been single, I feel extreme passion in all kinds of ordinary situations, and it is almost annoying sometimes. yes i think i may have heard of this poet actually, and i identify with it. LOL The Patriarchy still exists anyway.. hopefully we can bring it down together!! (though I will probably vote for Sanders LOL)


  11. Hello WildCompassion!
    I appreciate you stopping by my site. There is much insight within this article…much to ponder. You have a lot going on in your heart… in Compassion, if you connect with someone who is looking for compassion which makes the heart joyful, then regardless to if the women is beautiful or not, you will connect in a most meaningful way. You will treasure such a compassionate friendship …if nothing else.
    Heartfelt Compassion is hard to find these days. Blessing to you and you keep on keeping on! (That’s from back in the Daze)


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