Saying “I like you”

I was getting along great with this girl for months at this work training program (kind of a big community-ish place.) She was one of the few really positive forces in the direct physical proximity of my little life here. Things were great for a long time… and I decided finally to get a little more bold.. and ask her on a date. I wasn’t sure what she would say by any means. I saw her all the time. It almost felt obvious at this point.. to ask. But man… her reaction. It was silence for about a day. Then finally she said “I’m not looking to date anyone right now.”

Ok.. that’s fine. I told her that was ok. “I’m not in a hurry to date anyone now either.” I say. The thing is.. often girls just say that to get rid of you when they have some other specific reason to not be attracted to you. I just wanted to know a little more. And even as a friend, i wanted to get to know her more, as I had been doing before. We talked more, it seemed constructive, we agreed to be friends. It all sounds mostly cordial and good in the messages. She gave more then one reason for not wanting to date. Mainly it was that she “needed time to work on herself”. She really rubbed in the “just friends” things a bit too much. “lets just be friends.. and nothing else” Ok, I get it. ….But she was just sacred.. guys pressure her, sure, yeah.. I try not to take it personal. I do my best to sound confident.. but I’m really not an aggressive person. I just don’t like to be blown off in one or two sentences without more of a conversation about what actually just happened. just because we are not dating doesn’t mean i don’t vastly enjoy her company, being her friend, the things we talk about, as i had been doing up until then. she was a positive force in my little life here.

but yeah. it continues. it seems ok enough in the messages, rather good actually, respectful, articulate. yet when i see her throughout the day.. she is like physically running away from me, there is this very bad vibe, just when i happen to pass by her during the day. Things are not the same. it’s been over a week and she reacts like something really bad has happened.. just because i gave this “implication” i liked her. She is actually very chubby. I never said that to her that of course lol. And really she is very happy all the time and curvy (lol), and an uplifting force in my life in general.. she seems good with animals and kids. she says kind insightful things in group. she looks kind of innocent and cute but just starts rattling off all these really mature sounding things and topics without batting an eye. she looks like a big cute happy kid who like dancing to pop songs and eating lollie pops. but she has worked in hospitals. she can speak about any topic. she is serious. I thought she was like a hidden gem because you don’t notice her quality right away, or rather it has grown on me a lot. I feel very positive around her.. Lots of people can be driven in life by a kind of a stress or trauma, however you call it. She is very natural. She just looks healthy you know. I really feel for anyone with trauma like myself.. yet it is also true for me it is really healing to find one person like that who seems so grounded or ‘in nature’ kind of all the time.

I thought she would see this as a compliment, that i asked her on a date. Even if she said no. I didn’t have an expectation.. that was for sure. But i had waited months.. and my main concern was that she might think i didn’t actually like her and go for someone else who just had the balls to be more direct with her. I liked her more.. so i was taking my time. but knowing there are other guys out there.. that effects your process.

You have the right to say NO

AND you have the right to repair the damage

(a right to let them know why

and to talk things out between them and you)

A year ago i was actually in California, and i had met more then one great girl in my time there. it was some kind of serious miracle. I was forced to move back to New York. I am not a big fan of New York really. I like it.. but it is not the right place for me, maybe for a year or a few moths.. but not a place to grow up in unless you are already really confided about the way you life is going. lots of people to meet here.. but they are all busy. it’s a kind of illness, the constant busyness. I need warm weather.. chill vibes.. beaches.. year round. I have enough challenges already. The cold busy life of New York.. i wonder how it shaped me growing up over the years.. kept me more isolated… always trying to become something better.. cultivating that feeling that i didn’t matter.. afraid to seek out new groups. Eventually i did.. but man a nice environment really helps.

Even my cousin moved back to her home state because she said she couldn’t meet anyone in New York. many people she came across seemed to put work before family and relationships, they were preoccupied… the drive to “success” you might call it. For them they probably thought it made them sound more active.. the ambitions.. the devotion to work.. for her she wanted a family man. someone who valued the simple things. All those fast talking smart New Yorker’s probably thought they were making a good impression.. but there was something more obvious and basic missing.. and it is hard to know it.. when it is so apart of you.. i grew up inside it.. in California things were “better enough” that it helps me to see more clearly that there was a different way. that life really could feel easy or natural in relationship. It was like I moving my inner “tree” into the sunlight, when for so long i had been growing crooked in the dark. But i couldn’t afford to keep living there.

My life in general is a mess. out of control.. but i have to see the best in it. I live in these chaotic community homes… one to the next. this one is better then the last. That’s why i really wanted a friend like this girl. Someone so natural and stable. There are a few other people here i feel that way about.. but they are like my “superiors”.. people i “work under” so it is confusing asking if they want to hang out. they don’t ask me to hang out. there is actually even a rule that i can’t ride in their cars so it is super awkward and a little sad. also sad that i work under people younger then me who feel like they are friends, but like I’m not even allowed in their cars. there are lots of group activities but that isn’t always my jam. You want to feel like you can do the things you want to in your free time… and a few people in the group are really off the walls. Like a few specific people talking loudly over other people or randomly circling around the room being distrating. So all that chaos.. and the need for something calm and powerful.. put more pressure on finding a friend like this girl. the one person who is normal to talk to.. and not my superior. Like this happy ball of sunshine that just randomly dropped into my universe. but i had to make a choice about weather to be honest about liking her. I thought it might help move things along. If she had been feeling shy.

This girl, she kept saying that she needed to “work on herself” but it has been months since her last break up. i was never like.. in a hurry to “get with her”, never like in a hurry to “bang” her or something lol. I’m the type of person who could be contended with just for the pure joy of being around a person. It can feel so good to just finally have the company of a cute girl on a consistent basis. but her response.. brings up questions… what freaked her out so much? Does she see me as a preditor? Does she think i am disgusting that she has to over her eyes from me and run?

Before i asked her on a date two weeks ago.. we were taking with some regularity, making eye contact, comfortable in close proximity thorough the day, it was great, consistent, natural.. until i told her i liked her. I told her a bit more about my self. and asked a few question to get to know a bit more about where she was coming from and it all felt pretty mature and good for for the most part. and now when i see her in person she reacts like she is disgusted by me. and what really gets under my skin is that when she talks in the workshops here.. she sounds quite wise and mature, I am impressed by her. She says she wants a relationship where she can “talk about trauma,” because that is healthy to do.

Society doesn’t teach people how to handle these situations. i mean just the way this has been handled was extremely traumatic. talk about trauma. It feels like my gut is telling me that if her response is this brutal simply to a guy liking her.. that she doesn’t really understand the value of the relationships that continue to come her way just because she is cute. Society will never tell her to handle it better or to be kinder. Like she gets relationship after relationship (with guys who end up cheating on her)… and hopes for something better.. but takes it for granted, that there will always be another one,  guys will be asking her out.. so she can brutally blow off someone for all time if the timing isn’t right. it’s one thing when it’s not a good time for her. but sometimes it is like they really just mean “never”. i told her i was learning things and could use time to work on myself to.. that i wasn’t in a hurry. This type of thing just happens way to often. there are a lot of people in my area… but this was the person i had serious ongoing chemistry with. In California there were way more girls. but it was never easy. I was single until i was 29. I dated a girl for a few months once.

But yeah what is with this pattern of getting close to a girl.. but then it is like she is devastated to find out that you like her… It feels really fucked up. Like i am not her friend at all now. and i hear her talk about it and it feels like everyone among her it telling her this is the right thing for her to do. we had good vibes before. i never -needed- to date her. i don’t need it at this moment. but i need to feel like girls find me attractive. it is very confusing.. when you do everything right and are single for 29 years. I can tell by how this girl talks that she has blown off other men this this cold sudden kind of way.. and she is upset that most of them get angry. when i handed it very cordially and kept up a dynamic soothing dialogue.. she still treats me like we are in high-school.. like running away.. like holding a grudge. it effects me.. because i have no friends in this area.. she was also a true friend here.. now it is like she would rather hang out with the local retarded guy, not that there is anything wrong with being retarded, but this guy is also really obsessions.. but she feels safe with him? because she knows he won’t ask her out? what the hell. she and i are like the most normal people at this place. i just needed a friend and got over excited i guess.

I don’t need a relationship with anyone. but it feels like i can’t even be her friend now. you would think it would have been a compliment. she has the right to say no. but it feels like she was so hurt by it.. and we should be able to talk about that. why it hurt. or even better.. simply change the topic.. but stay as friends. i really don’t have a lot of friends in my physical proximity right now.. and i was really vibing with her for a long time. she’s just the right kind of natural person that I need to be around right now.. even just as a friend. we humans have got to stick together. this life is hard enough. loneliness is real. that was really all i needed.. i was just afraid she would think i didn’t like her. and any day the irony is that some guy who likes her less then i do could have asked her out.. because he would have been less invested in the result of what she says. that’s where it got complicated. otherwise i could have kept being her friend far longer before saying a thing. she is kind of goofy and chubby and I really do like her and I thought maybe she didn’t think she was good enough. man the roles have reversed like 180. I can’t argue with it or get in the habit of trying to prove i am good enough. Everyone has the right to say no. it is a lot more confusing when you have been getting along with someone for a long time.. and you see them every day. It feels like it would bring more relief to talk through this type of thing. there is no reason why she needs to be afraid of me.. and we see each other all the time.. it just makes things more uncomfortable.. it makes me feel bad.. and she had potential to be a true friend. It’s annoying to have to regret telling someone “i like you” but if you never tell them.. you will regret that too.

It brings up a lot of questions. like if you ask a girl out. and feel a great vibe with her. and she tells you it is not a good time in her life. and then starts to feel really conflicted and uneasy just knowing that you liked her.. like maybe guilty, it probably brought up a lot of questions.. like things that went wrong in past relationships she isn’t read to even start to think about. but then some other guy asks her out a year later when it is a good time for her. when she has worked out her demons. and then it is true love forever. so much of love seems like circumstantial.. being in the right place at the right time. i have been aware of this even since i was much younger… like say 17. love feels very natural.. but like society doesn’t give us the right way to talk about it or make time for it. We want the same things.. but if the timing isn’t right.. it can go very wrong.. people who like each other could become almost like enemies.. because you don’t really talk to the other person.. you trigger each other.. one person feels worthless and rejected.. the other person feels pressured and controlled. you both could be in agreement. but you don’t know it because you are afraid to speak to the other

You just have to hope that it is the “right time” for someone.. and it all starts to feel so totally random.. but when you actually see the person like in reality.. beyond what society tells us.. you feel a real connection.. something that is real and healthy and important.. even just being there friend.. seems to attract more good things into life for both people. I find it hard to talk to her.. because she runs away. it freaks me out. that she is doing that. like an overreaction. i feel like because she is not talking to me.. she just be imagining something much darker is going on. like she can’t know what i am thinking. she probably thinks i am pressuring and controlling her.. not handling a rejection well. I was really happy just the way things were. it is really silly. it feels like not talking about it is creating way more pain. but society will tell her “you have the right to say no. you have the right to reject” but that isn’t the actual quetsino here. that is a distraction. how do you mend a friendship? how do you repair a connection to someone? Before this we had a positive mutually beneficial connection.. that had been sorly lacking in my life for a long time. us humans gotta stick together in this crazy world. For guys the term “just friends” hurts.. it hurts a lot. And it is something that should be spoken about honestly. but it doesn’t mean that we are “in a hurry to bang” or “need” to pressure a specific person into a relationship. “wanting” relationship doesn’t make you “entitled” but i feel like society seems seems to strongly imply that it does. it is hard.. but it feels like guys and girls should be able to talk openly about this type of thing. like we are hiding in our triggers and triggering each other.. when the irony of it all is that the two of us are actually in agreement.. but she is a bit younger then me.. she is more afraid.. she is afraid to talk to me.. won’t actually told to me.. so she is probably imagining that i am this guy pressuring her into something she doesn’t want. stuff that isn’t there. I don’t like to wait this out forever. but i feel afraid to just walk up and talk to her. too much bad ju ju. like this girl will literally run away and it will make it so much worse. what did i ever do to disserve this? lol

So i saw her today. She  was walking by. It had been on my mind a lot. Why was she afraid? had i really upset her? I got her attention .. she didn’t actually run away this time. she smiled or walked closer or something like that. I told her i was afraid i had upset her.. and that i felt bad about it. i waned her to know that i was in agreement with her that we could be friends, and that i had no ill wishes to her. that she didn’t have anything to fear from me.

And she said “yes everything is good. it’s good. we are in agreement.” something like that. it felt positive. my eyes met hers it felt good. it was almost too brief. she was walking to the office where the have lollipops. she has a habit of going there once or twice a day to get a pop. she seemed in a hurry to get there. like that pop was more excieting then i was.

this brought another question to mind. perhaps she wasn’t that troubled by me at all. was it possible that i was simply such in inconsequential element in her life that none of this had really even effected her. it felt like she had been afraid of me.. but maybe that was combining with the fact that she was simply indifferent about me. that was equally scary. she seemed in a hurry to get to that pop. but i felt great. it felt like we were in fact on good terms now. even it it was resolved in just two sentience. now i had got it off my chest. a better version of what i had meant to say seven days ago before she stopped reading my message.

i felt good. it felt like something had been repaired. it wasn’t even as wrong as i thought. now i didn’t have to read too much into her actions or expression. it might be natural or reflexive for her to want to look the other way.. know that she knows i like her.. that we had that conflict. her trauma is feeling pressured into relationships. my trauma is feeling rejected and lacking relationship. We have opposite traumas. We triggered each other. it is sad. that we have to be so different and oppisite. like tragic irony. But it was never really “personal”. and we are actually in agreement that we both could use a friend right now.. and that is more important then dating anyone. (LOL of course i do want a relationship as a guy who as been single the vast majoirty of his life.. obviously that is only natural.. but i mean i agree that i have no specific NEED for it to be her.. or for it to be “now”) It is normal that you may not want to date a person.. but i don’t think girls like her always realize that there can be intense hidden implications behind what she says that can leave people feeling hurt.. that’s why it is good to talk about it. for her it is not a good time. she has unloved business. but some guys are used to being alone.. used to rejecting.. it is hard not for it to feel personal. and at the end of the day.. even just the friendship with a nice girl can feel very rewarding if you have been single so long. And it can lead to you feeling positive and actually attracting relationships with more people.. having friends of the other sex.. it is not necessarily bad to be friends with someone you like. i mean.. sometimes i can like 5 or 10 different girls and be friends with all of them. it has happened before. and it feels very positive.. and you end up not focusing too much on anybody. guess what.. they are all taken. who cares. it still made my life better.

i feel good about it. it’s an improvement. i go onto facebook. she handed unfriended me so i felt that maybe what she said and what she felt could be different things. i clicked on her profile. I’m just broad. i don’t have that many friends her. i was thinking about relationship. and the connections i have here. at least i could feel good that i am her friend again. then i noticed it said “message (her name) if you know her”. she had unfriended me. she had actually unfriended me over this and i didn’t even notice. we had only just friended a few weeks ago. that was so extreme. if anything i thought this might have brought us closer. we wanted different things but that is normal.. i had used it as a segway to talk to her about a variety of things in that conversion seven days ago.. we talked about why we were here.. what we wanted out of it.. something else.. i can’t remember. it was brilliant really, how much better i am at this. i was turning the negative into a positive. I could sell that conversion in a dating skills book.

but yeah then it felt like she was actually afraid of me. talking to her was great. but now i notice that she actually is not my friend anymore on the internet. she is younger then me. this is very normal for some girls. things get very dramatic. I knew somebody that would unfriend even her closest friends any time they had a big argument. I’ve never unfriend anyone. its sad. how happy and normal she seems. stuff like this is what makes me question that we are in fact on “good terms”. it feels very immature and ridiculous.. but i am short on options here. if i was in California.. i was meeting way more chill happy people there. this is not the place for me. i knew that from the start… i had no choice. I’m trying to focus on the good relationships i do have here. What is the purpose of this story? I feel like this type of situation comes up a lot though, and at the least it makes a good story.. at best we learn something profound about society and it helps us all find better relationships LOL.

 

4 thoughts on “Saying “I like you”

  1. I can’t wait until there’s something else that comes out instead of “I need to work on myself”! WTF does that mean? I don’t like you? It’s a passive agressive way to get out from under pressure and I get that, but why can’t people tell others their truth? I believe in totally being honest with people through my actions and words, some say I come off as “selfish”, “arrogant” or my favorite… “Weird or Whatever adjective is classy for them to talk with others about my honesty.
    It’s not always about us. Period. She’s just maybe not the next best thing for you or maybe you could accept the friendship possibly amend our way of getting your Truth out there and following up with closure so you can take your side of the street.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Nearly the same thing happened to me. The girl and i were coworkers, ac moore. She started working there around the same time i did. I didn’t have feelings for her till i realized she was a Christian, it was our first conversation. She noticed my cross and then we talked about Christian music. I didn’t have many Christian friends and outlets at the time so i instantly liked her. A beautiful girl with the heart of Jesus, “What else could i want?” i thought. But i was afraid, a still getting over my high school crush. Plus, the girl was six years younger than me. She was of age, but still.
    After that we became good friends. I was trying to ignore her sometimes and just be friends, but it was like she was drawn to me. And when i finally got a Facebook account, she friended me the day after i told her and liked or hearted nearly all my posts. I should have just went for her around this time, but i waited, and waited. After i was over my high school crush, i planned to ask her out. I remember writing a poem about self worth and letting go; she loved it, she hearted the video, commented, and messaged me. She wanted a written copy of my work.
    I thought she was head over heels, but i still waited. I didn’t have any good ideas for a first day till a month later. We went to a children’s Christmas festival at a farm near my house. I thought it would be better than it was but she claimed to love it anyway. Though, i never said it was a date. It obvious to me, especially with how it ended, but i guess she was either clueless or in denial.
    After we made gingerbread men we talked in my car for almost two hours maybe. I got to know her testimony and she got to know mine. We also talked about college and our families. She used to cut herself, i always saw the scars at work but never said anything, i didn’t want to be like all the customers. A bf never gave her much attention and broke her heart. She thought she wasn’t pretty and the scars were her punishing herself. She almost killed herself too. I just wanted to hunch over and hold her tight. She was mostly over her past, but i never understood how she thought she was ugly, maybe too skinny, but not ugly.
    I didn’t though. After i told my tragic testimony about my high school crush she said, “i hope you find someone,” but it was so obvious that i thought i already did. I drove her home and she was so eager to get back in her house. I thought i did something wrong. Then an hour later at work we were smiling again and i figured it was nothing.
    We kept getting closer, then about a month later we and another coworker hung out again. And then again a little over a month after that. Everything was going kind of great. She did become pretty busy before our third hangout, but i tried to think nothing of it. I didn’t want my anxiety to ruin what we had. Then i saw her post with a bf.
    It felt like it came out of no where. And now i had to tell her how i felt, cause i didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t want to be that jealous guy that got mad or made her choose. I was very accepting to her but told her i liked her and that i needed some time away to let her go. She understood and we were basically only coworkers for about a month. She even changed her schedule so i’d see her less, but that might have been a coincidence. Then she broke up with him. Apparently they got in a big argument. Then about two weeks later i asked her out again, but dummy me didn’t specify it was a date, and after i did and she said she didn’t feel the same way i called the whole thing off. Then a month later she had another bf.
    I was sad and pissed, but didn’t want to do anything. I lost my temper with her at work a few times, but didn’t want to sound her jealously, though she knew the truth. Three months later and she was unfriend and unfollowed from my insta and fb. I did that, i wanted to show her i was strong enough to move on, but i wasn’t.
    One night i asked her if she could cover my shift. She ignored the message for almost two days then said she was busy. I called her up and left a message, saying that i was sorry for unfriending her, i just needed to be reframed and let go. But it was her fault too i said. I told her she was busy a lot before her first bf came into the picture and that she was afraid to hang out with with me one on one after December. It seemed very true. I claimed our fallout was also her fault and that our friendship wasn’t 50/50, i was always the one texting first and inviting her to places. She didn’t even ask what happened after i unfriended her. Prolly cause my reasons were obvious, but to me it just told me how much she didn’t care. I was so mad and sad in the voice message.
    She thanked me for my apology, but i wanted her to admit “her fault” and voice messaged her again. Then she told her bf she was being harassed and she gave him my number. He then harassed me, but with curses and threats. He didn’t care about what kind of a person i usually was or my faith, our faith. He was the meanest Christian i ever came in contact with. I thought it was impossible. “How could they do this?” I thought. Don’t their believes mean anything to them. Did i really seem like that much of a threat? I reminded him about Jesus too and at some point that’s what stopped him. I thought his messages would be the perfect evidence that i was the victim. I told her off and then said i was praying for two unnamed people on Facebook. Then she got her father to talk to our boss and i wasn’t aloud to talk to her or work near her again.
    At first i did exactly what she wanted, i thought it was only about time till she realized he wasn’t good for her. But that moment never came and eventually i fought for myself. I’d really say i did nothing wrong, that would be stupid, but i told her how forgiveness was something a Christian was supposed to do. She may have forgiven me, but she still never wanted to reach out to me again. And my mangers didn’t want me to work next to her and even try to mend things. I learned a lot from that experience and even though i’m over her i still pray for her sometimes and hope we see each other again. If not in this life, then in heaven. But my trust in people hasn’t really ever recovered. Well i just spilled out all my guts, but you did too so, lol.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. wow that sounds intense. i have more then one story like the one i posted actually. that’s why it hurt so much and i had to post it, because this has happened a few times before. Your story reminds me of a time i felt i waited too long… it’s hard to know. i met up with this redhead girl a few times a long time ago, an early love… we were exchanging like 100’s of emotion filled emails, it was too good to be true.. but I was really shy in person. i think she got tired of me waiting to ask her out and me being so shy in person. I’m not like that now.. so that’s why it was frustrating to have history repeat itself years later after all this time and the things I’ve learned. It’s true.. you are clicking with a girl.. super nice and slow over time.. and suddenly some new dude can pop up out of no where. That was why i asked that last girl out on the quick side rather then waiting to hang out with her a few more times to see if there was any more obvious chemistry.. i preempted it a bit, but it wouldn’t have mattered with the girl in my story, she was not interested. she was also on the young side. it’s hard to find the right person.

      It also reminds me of another time when i was 23, I met this vibrant girl with dark hair at work training program (actually near where i am now), similar vibe to the redhead from when i was even younger, i really clicked with her.. I had improved my conversation skills so much. but a few days later this other more confident guy shows up.. he was stylish.. he had a “beanie” hat.. and this kind of cocky attitude. he was really honing in on her.. talking and talking no stop.. but she seemed really into it. she was pouring her heart out to him, looked like they are talking about some deep stuff.. in this little cafe they had there.. also my mom happened to be vising me that day, we are also at the cafe.. and i am just watching this play out in front of me and feeling devastation .. while i try to tell my mom how “great things are here.” the dark hared girl eventually got with that guy, kind of.. I was jelious. I acutely made multiple efforts to befriend both of them as some kind of bizarre tactic to make my jelliousy something positive, and it was actually working. but then i felt bad because he actually saw me as friend at one point where she kind of dumped him temporarily, it’s a complex story. i would flirt with her even though this other guy was with her all the time, they weren’t technically together. i think he got afraid or territorial and pressured her into hanging out with him even more then they already were. she was like “i will go to my room to take a shower now” and he was like “i will come with!” it was kind of funny, and i saw her like running away from him. because they weren’t actually togather yet.. they were just spending tons of time together. I think she had another dude back home she was still kind of with long distance. there was a whole other complication. I think we both felt like if we got close enough to her then we would be there for her if she eventually broke up with the guy back home.. but their was only room for one of us. this had happened too many times. it felt like i couldn’t put my odds on just “waiting” for single girls. i had to befriend girls even if they weren’t single. this was like gorilla war fare tactics or something. but this other guy was even more intense then me and it was working for him for the most part. yeah it’s not right.

      Yeah i have nothing better to do then spill my guts at this point. i have too many stories to keep in i suppose. yeah love is threatening to people. it’s like a subtext. we have values we believe in and project to society. but if the love life feels threatened something mean can come out i guess. yeah it’s all very sad like wheel of fortune.. a game of chance. when i get girls i feel “lucky” when i don’t i feel “unlucky” either way i don’t feel control. often the odds aren’t great. yeah it hurts more when they meet a guy.. break up.. you have your chance.. but then they meet another guy. that happened to me with the redhead. she finally got with someone who wasn’t me. but a few years later she actually went to the same college as me for a year. i had a few chances with her over the years.. but she went for other guys.

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