facing the fear

I don’t try to convince myself I am not afraid. And that everything is ok. I can’t “tell” myself what is. and what is not. Ultimately…. truth can not be “told”. at the end of the day It can only be felt. So Instead. I notice the fear. Allow the fear. Face the fear. Don’t fear the fear. It is like “fear on top of fear”, I once described it. Fear fighting fear inside me. Fear itself is not your enemy. Fearing fear. that is control. Let in the fear. Allow it too happen. Let the universe show you the way. It feels like a mistake. Like weakness I should not have. Why am I afraid. Does this even make sense. I don’t want to recognize this truth about myself. that i am so week as to be afraid even under normal circumstances. so i block it out. ignore it. Yet letting it is the only way to learn from it. I feel afraid. I feel a calling to be something more. yet am afraid to take it. It is something i can’t know. yet i feel it so clearly. To ground yourself, and connect to something even deeper, to begin to get underneath it, to understand it as a feeling, as a series of events in time and space, and not just as words in my mind. It may change you. the triggers of the fear, they may seem random, but to notice it, the forces around you that create fear, may mean opening yourself to something you have not understood about yourself before. to see something deeper about yourself. how it effects they way you respond to things.
my mind has many solutions and ideas. which one is right? for many weeks months and even years i have wondered. it is almost as though i have too many right answers. many good answer, yet i can’t remember them all. which one is the one i need now? i am good at inventing solutions. but suddenly none of them feel right. the floating mask is also like my shadow self. the me in me that gets in the way. the me i could turn out to be “should i fail” and chose fear. the tentacles that come out of the back of the blank mask. the face represents someone who has no identity. And the tentacles show how this person is “plugged in”, they take joy from the outside, who relies on external things to be happy. so much so that it has become automated. i have all these solution’s. 1 2 and 3. yet it is only because i have turned away from the fear. turned my mind away from what i am feeling. the fear is represented by a face. aka “facing the fear” the face of the fear. the face also represents the person i want to be. and the person i am afraid i will not become. it is so much more then what i can put into words. on the left the little bubbles represent my efforts to control the situation. they seem organized and cute. but they end up becoming very distracting. very illusive. they only pull me away from my truth. revealed to be ultimately nothing more then words. I have dived into my mind, and turned away from the events in life and the events around me. i gaze into hypothetical worlds of things i “could do” and “could have done”. I explore past archives, and become more and more lost, when what i need is to be in the present moment. In my dreams i search my old room, hoping to find something important, yet finding nothing but an old shoe. strange.. Why was it so importation that i look for that? When i face the fear. the feeling. the visual elements, the non verbal stuff that exist before and beyond thoughts words and human langues. the truth of it all. the currents of emotion that run underneath the words. when i look at that feeling. suddenly my mind goes quite. there is nothing left to think about. nothing left to now. Sometimes I sketch images like this. These two were the most helpful. out of hundreds. simple yet effective. it is a kind of “mind map”. I try to draw out what seems to be going on. “What is natural?” I ask myself. After lots of thinking, i am no closer to the truth of this. Finally. I step out of the way. and allow nature to heal me. that has been the best think i can do i have realized. Step out of the way. and allow nature to heal you. In my dream i am trying to mentor a friend who struggles with a complex problem. but as i speak i notice there are contradictions in my thinking, they seem to grow in number and it is hard to clearly explain “the way” to him. then i am interrupted. and when i return. he has found peace. without my help. he is happily engaged in conversation. nature found a way. and i didn’t intervene. how can i become better at not “intervening” in natures process. not trying to control the flower of life that wishes to bloom all by itself. the creative river that flows when i am true to myself. how can i allow nature to do the work. without getting in the way? without thinking and second guessing. My whole life has felt like one big intervention from some outside force. I came into this world learning many stilted and unnatural habits. Learning to accomplish through effort and will power. to succeed by ignoring my feelings. It is even more true then, that I find ways to not stop the process. to allow nature to thrive. without altering, calculating, controlling, editing, and second guessing. Why do bad things happen. I wonder. how can i know the answer to that? why do i want or expect there to be an answer. does it even matter? i am full of regret. the chaos it to much for me to control it all. yet i feel like i should be able to. the pain is too great. .and i know i am not ready to face it. life hits me with things i know i am not ready for. yet i feel there is a way. i have to let go of my mind. let go of control. There are regrets. many feelings. if only life could just be easy. what is the real lesson here? it is good to slow down and make time for these questions. there may be no answer. can i live with that? can i move forward in life without needing a simple answer? Who am i in relationships to this fear. what does it feel like to be me again? when the fear has taken hold for so long. such a long history of letting the fear win. allowing it to make my world small. How has the fear been limiting who i am. and would the fear go away, if i was simply to spend more time being myself. feeling what it feels like to be free again. not needing a reason to be free. but simply being free. There are many confusing choices ahead. But in all choices. put your health first. This is what i am learning. Health comes first, in all areas of life. and that is a feeling. the feeling lets me know what is working and what is not. I am leaning not to control. To “let the situation play out” in all it’s complexity. Whatever that situation may be. Often many traumas are layered together in this giant vortex of ongoing trauma in life. Each time i have a small victory i want to quantify it. To give it a name. a label. So i can use it again. I want a cure to the vortex. But the vortex is always in motion. Life has many moving parts. I expand my awareness and i weigh my options. what is working. what needs to change. Sometimes i find that i choose a difficult solution in favor of an easy one. i have grown up all my life learning that hard work is the way to get results. So it is actually not natural for me to accept an easy answer for a new problem or situation. Because it is so normal, and because it doesn’t make sense, i may not realize that i am doing this. that i am choosing a harder solution to a more solvable problem. Sometimes an easy answer can be the right one. it feels like i have to write books to be happy, but sometimes just a few paragraphs does something to the energy. shifts my awareness and puts me in touch with myself. it isn’t about the quantity. it is about being honest with how i feel and what is getting in my way in the bigger picture. as in who i am as a person. my physical body and my health. i am unblocking the energy. And i have to keep reminding myself to pause. To create space. To not try to control the situation. To quantify it all into a single word. As unintuitive as that may be. To get in control, by giving up control. To let go of the answer and the knowledge. to recognize that often they are not the solution and in fact an act of control, the very thing that is holding me back. and let nature heal me. heal itself.

Chapter 4 – So Cool

an excerpt from “Nirvana Saga”

from “Book 2 – the Mad Profit”

Chapter 4

So Cool

     Zeathean and Lyra go for many hikes out in the endless magnificent landscapes of New Nirvana. Lyra is leaning against a tree eating a large pink fruit, taking a break from the hike. Zeathean is just watching her. In truth, every time he looks at her, he gets chills running through his entire body. ‘I can’t believe it, it’s like I can’t believe that she is even real.’ Zeathean thinks to himself. She is unreal. This girl is too cool to be real. For decades, I thought that Lyra Summerstrom was just a fiction, I thought she was a daydream, a fantasy, I had concocted in my lonely mind. She came to me in dreams, yet never in the real. I thought I was going crazy, to believe that this girl could really exist.

I believed she was not real. But the truth is, she is here, and she has been real, all this time, and now I can see it. The feeling is overwhelming and beyond explanation. The way I feel… every single time I look at her. I waited 1000 years to meet this girl, and I feel like a could wait 1000 more just to get one step closer to her. Just to be on her level. There is something about her that is just so …. cool.

She is always proving to be even more than I imagined. Everything I have ever done has been for a chance to get closer to this girl. Even my quest to destroy Armas, it has all been for her.

Lyra is a paradox, I can never understand her… yet she is here, she is gentle, and she is good. Every soul is a paradox… “free will” is a paradox. It is ironic, to try and understand free will. To know the will of a soul through logic. because a soul’s freedom is a paradox. A paradox is the absence of logic; it can never be understood through logic. Lyra is like a hurricane of love, she is a storm of joyful enthusiasm. She is wild compassion. She is overflowing with abundant affection. She is a ‘summer storm’. Lyra Summerstrom.

I feel that right now, I could transform into the ‘dark vortex’ the monster inside me that I used to battle Armas those years ago. God level 3. I could summon God level 3 right here right now, and this girl wouldn’t be afraid. She isn’t afraid of anything. She can face all the darkness in my heart, and she wants it. She wants to know the deepest part of me. I could turn into the dark vortex, and this girl, she would chew me up and spit me back out like no big deal. And that is exactly what I would want her to do. She is a total badass. There is something about this girl, that is just, so, … cool.

So expressive and emotive and alive in every moment. She has some kind of mastery over love and light itself. The truth is… many people confuse what we call ‘God energy’ (a powerful energy of soul) with love itself, yet they are not quite the same thing, and sometimes love and God energy can be very different. In a way, Lyra goes beyond the God energy spectrum, there is some quality about her. Like love itself. She emanates this pure feeling of love. Her power can be measured at God level 2.3, my power is God level 3, yet God energy is a measure of power and past life suffering, it is not a measure of love. Lyra has some kind of strange connection with people, with nature and with love itself. Lyra is always teaching me, I am always learning.

Lyra catches him gazing at her. “What!?” She says.

“I was just thinking about something really important.” Zeathean says coyly.
“Oh really?” Lyra teases emphatically.
“I want you to know the truth…” Zeathean begins with a slightly ominous tone. “I want you to know my deepest truth I have hidden for too long.”
“And what might that be?” She grins. Playing along. only half sure he is joking.

“The truth is… I like your face.” Zeathean says.

Lyra laughs. he is joking around of course.

“Oh, I see. What will i do with this information?” she says with this big goofy smile “How should i proceed?”

“Maybe you should take a closer look…” She says, leaning closer “just to help you decide if you really like what you see.”
Zeathean feels himself getting hot and his heart racing.
Zeathean moved closer to her.
Lyra grabbed Zeathean and pulled him in for a kiss.

To get the full story of “Book 1 Sunlight Conquest” about how Zeathean and Lyra meet, go to my ‘patreon’ and make a donation of your choosing. https://www.patreon.com/wildzwiebel For example 1 to 5 dollars. In addition receive a free copy of my prominent work “Playful and Worthy” about building strong relationship to self and others. It seems small but this will go towards helping me and my cause. Your support of donation is greatly appreciated in my state of poverty. As not having a long term place to live these last years has made completing this story very difficult. by the way this book has some “adult” content.

https://www.patreon.com/wildzwiebel