thank you so much to those who donated last year. the 152 $ was useful food money for a few weeks. i was surprised to get so much right away thanks to two people. but that is in the past now.

sorry this is a boring post about money.

it’s been a year now since the gofundme post and nothing has changed. it is made more ironic by the fact that my family is fairly well off but they don’t see my health problems as concerning and haven’t supported me in years. even in terms of helping me network to promote my book or my other talents. the family connection is not good. i did get some Christmas money. i am looking into a new job but it could be months before that pays off.

until then it has been and will be hard. i want to enjoy the summer. be creative. i convinced myself when the summer came things would finally get better. my joy is connected to my creative process. but often my creativity is put on hold over small amounts of money. silly amounts of money like 10 or 20$.. effect my ability to buy food or the occasional house appliance. for example it took me almost a year to get a microwave. i ended up having to borrow one from a good friend. i have slightly less then what i need for food each week. and sometimes i need more then food. however various frivolous loopholes prevent me from getting on either “food stamps” or what they refer to as “disability” from the government. i am still trying. it involves tedious discussions with a psychiatrist.. often delving off topic into a sales pitch for various medications.. the process is bureaucratical. and the government isn’t that interested in our health. unless they “have to”, unless there is some kind of a “strong official push”.

while i have many concerning health problems around chest pain that have lasted for years, without an official “diagnosis” there is nothing they or anyone can do without years of further debate, often going off topic. trying to sell me various medications, most of which i’ve already tried at some point. i am working with too people and the disability thing really could work.. but it will take a year at the minimum. maybe even two from now. even small donations are appreciated.. to get creative.. writing.. doing art.. and posting again on my blog. so many books… unfinished projects. everything gets halted when i need some critical thing and can’t even spare the 10 or 20 bucks. it matters. all donations are appreciated. there is so much i want to share with the world. eventually the new job and the disability will kick in, and money may not even be an issue. but that could take a year. and for now even small donations save me weeks or even months of time. the difference between “waiting”.. and “living”. it feels scary to have so many talents and capabilities, but struggle this much over things that could be resolved with a simple 10 or 20 bucks.

I’ve tried just about everything in terms of making money. trying to promote my book. changing the prices. editing my books. using “patron”. selling my art. online surveys. supposedly you can make money doing “online surveys”. yet i am constantly rejected from these online surveys.. for reasons because i “don’t own a car” or “a house”. and because i don’t buy frivolous products like alcohol and skin cream. it is ridiculous. if i was buying all that extraneous material stuff i wouldn’t be scrambling to make an extra 2$ online. as they say it is “expensive to be poor” and it seems like you already have to be pretty well off even to make these small amount of money online.

there is a chance my life may “eventually” get better. but if you want to help me to live and thrive more now, so i can be creative and “give back” all that i have to share, if you have any extra money, consider a small donation. if not for me. do if for the art. for the information. for the stuff i can share and give back. even though my problems with chest pain are intense and have been going on for years, because i am so young and my problem has no “official” text book diagnosis, it is almost impossible to get on disability. generally disability is given to people much older in their 60’s or 70’s because it is considered “normal” for them to have health probelms. in a young guy like me in his twenties and thirties, everyone wants to “believe” in me, so they put it.. and yet by doing so.. by “believing” in me, and my abilty to thrive physically on my own without money support, there is this huge impossible pressure. i am unable to get the consistent financial help i need and have needed these past six to seven years. i swear i have 5 half finished book and almost 200 unfihsed blog posts. yet it is hard to work on the fine details. to acuatlly see things throguh. all on account of this silly money thing. there is this huge amount of work i am trying to finsh. but the silly money thing has been delaying and backlogging my life by entire years.

the medical estabilitment is layed back in there comfortable postitoin and more intrested in fitting you into a list of preexisting catigories rather then helping you with what is acutally happenign to you. they aren’t intrested in my story. doctor vistits often only last about five moniutes where they “conclued” taht nothing is wrong. not ot mention havign to wait hours in a watiing room just for this five minute dignosis. i hope soon to get an acaul edtior to help me on my books so they can reach a “higher production value” or weatehver the proper term is for it. to htey can be trually finshed. even the books i released years ago still have this unfished air to them, simply becuase i have not been able to afford things like an editor or a publisher. my life is full of things like this that could pay off, but can’t even get off the ground over small amonts of money. while my parents are well off i have no connection to them, i live on my own and make 50% a week as a kind of “volenteer”. after my battle with chest pain i was concerned i would never work again. thankfully i have found this part tiem work. but the pay is so minscule that it compounds negativity on my heaht. i am not able to do anything that invovles money. so i feel like a hermint. a guy who lives in a cabin in the woods.

in the past four to five years i have live in many such “communites” where it is not “officially” a job.. so they don’t even have to pay me minim wage. often i make half minim wage or less. the benfit is a have a low cost place to live, there are some free meals, i can work part time in a way that doens’t put strain on my health. however i make next to nothing.. and over the years this becomes concerning. sometimes everything is fine for a few months. but any time i need to purches any kind of anything. a towel. a microwave. a pillow. drawing paper. pencils. it is a nightmare. i rely a lot on gifts from my family for cloting. but it takes away my sense of freedom. which is not concered that important in our society. i imagine our govment feels porud. they can get a lot of work out of people. while paying them very little. but in relity. you don’t get good work done that way. no one really benfits. and hte probelm is so unreal. that people don’t want to belive it. you want to belive that our modern soicety is above this kind of thing. taht people could never suffer this much in our modern system. but then one day it hits you. your body stops working. and then you see how priimitve our soicety still is. the goemrent doens’t care. some people are so rich. and other can beartly survive. i feel happy when i am writing and doing art. but the money thing.. is like this splinter in my mind. it is hard to fucus. i find ways to survive on very little. but somehow it feels like i am “letting the bad guys win” whatever that means. so even writing this post is my way of “being honest”. and not keeping it to myself. i have suvivied so much. and to continue to suffer over such small amounts of money. that is where i hit a breakign point with our soicety. some people call it “Late Capatisim”. essentially a system that is automated and greedy, not really concerned with the poor, yet at the same time blaming them for it’s probelms. we operate under the image and illusion of independence, while at the same time countless people never stood a chance, (for example people who are pressured into a life of crime or jaled into being poor.) i don’t know what to call it, this system and the part of it that doesn’t work. but it isn’t effective.

at my place of work i spend the hours folding letters to mail in envelops, or doing data entry. doing garden work. i feel good about that work. good that i am still able to work. it can be boring. but meditative. and i have found a quantity of work that feels doable for me. it clears the mind and the spirit. i feel good about the work itself, but then still i come back and there is almost no money. and that is where it gets frustrating. often it feels like i am “holding on tight” waiting for the weekly payment. seems like i live on a shot leash and spend a lot of time waiting on small payments. to top it off, i have friends here. but because we all work at this community we aren’t allowed to “hang out” after work. it breaks the work protocol. so my social life suffers too. and i am bound to this campus without a car. similar to other places i have lived at.

a friend offered me to join him on a vacation, but i have to wait here, because there is a chance this new job will pan out in the coming months. but still i don’t like to just “waist” another summer… waiting for the job. the money thing has becasucal become a trauma in itself these last years. somtimes the bank delays paymens by weeks, for wehatever realson payblems get delyaed. my empolers act like “stay positive, it’s not a big deal”. but to me, it is pressure on an old wound. just wasting more of my life on behalf of small amounts of money. and one day i will have a good job, and diabilty, enoth money to feel relaxed and healthly enough to do my art. and then i can really do my passion, and even pofit off it. and that is the dream. one day it will become a self fulfilling cycle. but until then it is like being “too poor to make money” it is like an oxymoron. much like the way people won’t higher you unless you have “previous experience.” i have all these talents yet have been stuck on the wrong end of the cycle. after my battle with chest pain i am proud to now be “walking amoung the living” so to speak, i show up, talk to people, make jokes around hte office, get work done. people are impressed by me. i have reasonable hours. that i can keep up withotu getting tired. which has not been true in the past yeras. previous commuites would seuceuld my entire day full of requred events yet not even pay me beyond a small allowce of a few dollars. this community is better no doubt. but it isn’t not a place that is “geared to me”. becauslly just the only option i had. i needed a place to live. working full time puts pressure on my chest issue.

i am starting to write up the whole story of it all in a book called the “real life of Zwiebel”, that is one of the five unfished books i have going. also i have a fantasy book i am excited about called “Mad Profit” kind of a metaphore for all the confusing and mileading advice and impressions we get from society.. but it is not clear if it is “book 1” or “book 2” or where it falls in my series. everything feels disorganized in my life. it is a big acomphsmnet to be working again. i have a lot of these probelms you see with elderly people. like often my bladder doens’t work. i have the chest pain. i get phsyically exhusted for no reason, despite begin an aware and hihgly helth concious person. i suspect it is connected to the really serious case of lymes disease i had as a kid. i am starting to belive that if you had lyems once it can have a “second wind” later in life. even after the disease is flushed out it can take a “chunk” out of the bodies phyiscal stamna. you may feel find for twenty years and then “suddely” it feels like you are giong to die. that is the only thing that can expalin the reason everything was great and then suddnly i was having serious health probelms out of nowhere. like i was living on borrow time. living on a clock. to me this is a good explaion. i can think of other reasons. other fatcotrs that could have defintly influced myself. such as as humans i have come to learn, in more reaceont yeras, how much reltationship plays a role in our health. i belvie peopel with strong relatinhips are healther and live longer. there is probably reserach to back this up. the relatnhips in my life have often been not that strong. and by the time my relatinship skills had imporved my heatlh had gotten dractically worse. and everyone belived i was simply unmotiavted. so that didn’t help.

i have had over 10 diffrenet attempts at romatnic relatnihp that never got past the first or second date. i didn’t have many strong rolemodles growing up. my family worked a lot. and my family tried to pass off whatever struggles i had meeting people as some kind of “mentail illuness”. it always felt cult like. like they had bought into some kind of psudo science, even to my young mind. it was like this cloud over me. i was smart. but they placed me into speical edcuation. stuff like this, undermined my efforts to be freinds with my pears. it made me look like one of the speical kids growing up. the batle growing up of being isolated and being placed in spical classes, it impacted my confidnece gorwing up and even later into life. much of my life revoed around people i wanted to be close to but was not close to. i lived this shadow kind of life, represssed emotion, almost salker life. to me teh stalkers were people like me, who had just been puhsed even futher over the edge. i seemed normal on the surface. but things were not normal. mentally i was always fine. but emontally things were not good for a long time. life was sipmly lonely. and having a parent who constnatly tries to pass off your lonliess as some kind of a mental disfunction.. that was hard to. i wasted a lot of time trying to “prove” to mom and her assocaites that i was “neurotypical”.. but that is a waste of time, if someone has made up there mind about you, you have nothing to prove to them. the whole thing never felt very helpful to me somehow. it was just depressing. i never had any probelms wiht my mind. mostly the issue was that i didn’t “feel it” with people. or they didn’t “feel it” with me. i think it is quite simple, you are isolated so long that you become numb, ghost like, your life revoves around trying to “prove yourself” to get notice, to “get famous”.. socniety pushes us in this direction, you can’t get noticed unless you are talented. it complicates the issue. telling us something is wrong with our brains. when really we need to learn to feel again.

oftne feeling so lonly for all these years has motavted me to do extreem things. like running 11 miles, or meditating for 5 hours or longer. i’ve learned a lot of this from my own reserach, about what happend to my health. working is an acomplshment for me, considering i have days when my bladder dosn’t even work. i have a carful method of keeping everything in working order. the mony thing is alaways a huge pressure. and people often don’t see how much of an acomplshment it is for me to be working agian.

often it seems like there is usually some new theropst who wants to pigen hole me into some “mendital distoerder” or lable me as simple being an over-thinker… lable me with some amature kind of probelm and then say “job well done” on there part, for illumating this to me. oftne they don’t see the battle i have survived.

I heard somehwere that when cahaptism was first being intruduced the rich treid to “glorify” a life of poverty as a “humble” life. we have been packaged poverty as a source of humility, and a motivation to rise up and suceed by our own “bootstraps”. Capatisim paints an inspiring portrait of “independence”, people who rise up from nothing and become famous, while for many we sipmly never stood a chance. the reality is everyone is pressured to dream of being famous, while constnatly stepping over each other. everyone works hard, yet only a few reach there dreams. the people who found there dreams got there by working hard. but the catch is, so did everyone else. for every hard worker who achaived there dreams, there were countless other hard workers who didn’t. smart creative people who got screwed over by random chance. my life was on track twords something hopefully good, when out of nowere i was on vastion and came down with serious chest pain. however the doctors never could find anyting wrong. adn even my own family insisted i was just having “soical anxiety” or soemthing. i was having stabbing chest pain for months and even years, and they treid to pass it off as me simply being “on the spectrum”. i get that nothing came up on my heart scan. and that really sucked that they weren’t able to find the probelm and help me. however i do not agree wiht the way my family handle it.

if we had a stornger relatnihps.. i know we would have kept pushing for answers and a solution. a way to get the support i needed. insted life at home was a constant argumant. and i was eveually thrown inot a serious of cult like “therapeutic communities”, forced to undergo years of meanth hearth theropy i never needed, desipted being in good shape mentialy and emotianlly. my only real probelm was that i coudn’t work full time. these communites treated me like a “schizophrenic”. to be a schizophrenic you have to hallucinate and hear voice. i never once had either of these probelms. never once in my life did i ever imagine things that weren’t real. but the doctors conduct a steam roller operation, they churn the wheel, get results, make money. they are interested in getting results, assigning a lable and placing you in a program, “filling the beds.” getting new clients. they want results, not truth. to them they were quickly willing to pass off my problems as meerly being “schizophrenia”. forcing me to take all kinds of toxic meds for years that made the probelms infintly worse.

and as for my rant about capaltism. to be clear. i fully belive that a soceity is possible where people are payed more for ordienary jobs. an “increased minism wage” but it could only work if the rich were on board with it. in this society a certain amount of money would be seen as a nessesicty, freedom would be seen as a nesecity in addition to food and shelter, hoever to be clear, almost paradoxitly, large amounts of money would be discoraged, large amounts of money would have to be dissociated from happines. in our current soicety fame and owning large numbers of friviousle mateiral goods is storanly associated wihtw happines. when i talk about money. i am not talking about indlungece. i am simply talking aobut “having enough”. whatever that means. it could probely be caldulated down to an exact amount we would try to hoaver around.

the way it is now.. my bone to pick is that some people have more money then they can ever need. and some people have very little. the goal is in no way to assocaite large amounts of money with happines. the goal is simply to have enough. and the two go hand in hand. my concern is that if we try to “incresae minimue wage” we would have some kidn of inflation or deflatinion of the money itself, the money would devaule, because the riche coprarations would still be in control, and would sipmly charge more for their proeucts, assuacitng there happines with there position of money and power. the rich would agree to the increse of minumge wage, and then minupulete the value out of the money, they would agree on the surface, but emointally they would hold on to their state of total power. for a more equal spread of money in society, we would have ot attack it from both sides. insreasindg minumge wage would not be enough. we would need to have some kind of deep and profound education about why being “filthy rich” is acutally toxic to society itself, soically and psycologically toxic, being rich would no longer be something admiraible to strive for or admire.

as a soceity we would have to put a higher value on nautre, beyond the literal nessecities of having food and shleter, freedom woudl also have to be seen as a nesicety, such as the freedom to take a trip with your friends, or choose between one grocirey store and another. people are so poor, they may have food, but they don’t have choices. and the loss of freedom is not taken seriously by our society. those at the top value cheep labor. but in reality cheep labor prduces more hollow marital products that don’t actually make anyone healthy or happey. the soicety as a whole becomes unhappy. and even those at the top don’t benefit.

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