facing the fear

I don’t try to convince myself I am not afraid. And that everything is ok. I can’t “tell” myself what is. and what is not. Ultimately…. truth can not be “told”. at the end of the day It can only be felt. So Instead. I notice the fear. Allow the fear. Face the fear. Don’t fear the fear. It is like “fear on top of fear”, I once described it. Fear fighting fear inside me. Fear itself is not your enemy. Fearing fear. that is control. Let in the fear. Allow it too happen. Let the universe show you the way. It feels like a mistake. Like weakness I should not have. Why am I afraid. Does this even make sense. I don’t want to recognize this truth about myself. that i am so week as to be afraid even under normal circumstances. so i block it out. ignore it. Yet letting it is the only way to learn from it. I feel afraid. I feel a calling to be something more. yet am afraid to take it. It is something i can’t know. yet i feel it so clearly. To ground yourself, and connect to something even deeper, to begin to get underneath it, to understand it as a feeling, as a series of events in time and space, and not just as words in my mind. It may change you. the triggers of the fear, they may seem random, but to notice it, the forces around you that create fear, may mean opening yourself to something you have not understood about yourself before. to see something deeper about yourself. how it effects they way you respond to things.
my mind has many solutions and ideas. which one is right? for many weeks months and even years i have wondered. it is almost as though i have too many right answers. many good answer, yet i can’t remember them all. which one is the one i need now? i am good at inventing solutions. but suddenly none of them feel right. the floating mask is also like my shadow self. the me in me that gets in the way. the me i could turn out to be “should i fail” and chose fear. the tentacles that come out of the back of the blank mask. the face represents someone who has no identity. And the tentacles show how this person is “plugged in”, they take joy from the outside, who relies on external things to be happy. so much so that it has become automated. i have all these solution’s. 1 2 and 3. yet it is only because i have turned away from the fear. turned my mind away from what i am feeling. the fear is represented by a face. aka “facing the fear” the face of the fear. the face also represents the person i want to be. and the person i am afraid i will not become. it is so much more then what i can put into words. on the left the little bubbles represent my efforts to control the situation. they seem organized and cute. but they end up becoming very distracting. very illusive. they only pull me away from my truth. revealed to be ultimately nothing more then words. I have dived into my mind, and turned away from the events in life and the events around me. i gaze into hypothetical worlds of things i “could do” and “could have done”. I explore past archives, and become more and more lost, when what i need is to be in the present moment. In my dreams i search my old room, hoping to find something important, yet finding nothing but an old shoe. strange.. Why was it so importation that i look for that? When i face the fear. the feeling. the visual elements, the non verbal stuff that exist before and beyond thoughts words and human langues. the truth of it all. the currents of emotion that run underneath the words. when i look at that feeling. suddenly my mind goes quite. there is nothing left to think about. nothing left to now. Sometimes I sketch images like this. These two were the most helpful. out of hundreds. simple yet effective. it is a kind of “mind map”. I try to draw out what seems to be going on. “What is natural?” I ask myself. After lots of thinking, i am no closer to the truth of this. Finally. I step out of the way. and allow nature to heal me. that has been the best think i can do i have realized. Step out of the way. and allow nature to heal you. In my dream i am trying to mentor a friend who struggles with a complex problem. but as i speak i notice there are contradictions in my thinking, they seem to grow in number and it is hard to clearly explain “the way” to him. then i am interrupted. and when i return. he has found peace. without my help. he is happily engaged in conversation. nature found a way. and i didn’t intervene. how can i become better at not “intervening” in natures process. not trying to control the flower of life that wishes to bloom all by itself. the creative river that flows when i am true to myself. how can i allow nature to do the work. without getting in the way? without thinking and second guessing. My whole life has felt like one big intervention from some outside force. I came into this world learning many stilted and unnatural habits. Learning to accomplish through effort and will power. to succeed by ignoring my feelings. It is even more true then, that I find ways to not stop the process. to allow nature to thrive. without altering, calculating, controlling, editing, and second guessing. Why do bad things happen. I wonder. how can i know the answer to that? why do i want or expect there to be an answer. does it even matter? i am full of regret. the chaos it to much for me to control it all. yet i feel like i should be able to. the pain is too great. .and i know i am not ready to face it. life hits me with things i know i am not ready for. yet i feel there is a way. i have to let go of my mind. let go of control. There are regrets. many feelings. if only life could just be easy. what is the real lesson here? it is good to slow down and make time for these questions. there may be no answer. can i live with that? can i move forward in life without needing a simple answer? Who am i in relationships to this fear. what does it feel like to be me again? when the fear has taken hold for so long. such a long history of letting the fear win. allowing it to make my world small. How has the fear been limiting who i am. and would the fear go away, if i was simply to spend more time being myself. feeling what it feels like to be free again. not needing a reason to be free. but simply being free. There are many confusing choices ahead. But in all choices. put your health first. This is what i am learning. Health comes first, in all areas of life. and that is a feeling. the feeling lets me know what is working and what is not. I am leaning not to control. To “let the situation play out” in all it’s complexity. Whatever that situation may be. Often many traumas are layered together in this giant vortex of ongoing trauma in life. Each time i have a small victory i want to quantify it. To give it a name. a label. So i can use it again. I want a cure to the vortex. But the vortex is always in motion. Life has many moving parts. I expand my awareness and i weigh my options. what is working. what needs to change. Sometimes i find that i choose a difficult solution in favor of an easy one. i have grown up all my life learning that hard work is the way to get results. So it is actually not natural for me to accept an easy answer for a new problem or situation. Because it is so normal, and because it doesn’t make sense, i may not realize that i am doing this. that i am choosing a harder solution to a more solvable problem. Sometimes an easy answer can be the right one. it feels like i have to write books to be happy, but sometimes just a few paragraphs does something to the energy. shifts my awareness and puts me in touch with myself. it isn’t about the quantity. it is about being honest with how i feel and what is getting in my way in the bigger picture. as in who i am as a person. my physical body and my health. i am unblocking the energy. And i have to keep reminding myself to pause. To create space. To not try to control the situation. To quantify it all into a single word. As unintuitive as that may be. To get in control, by giving up control. To let go of the answer and the knowledge. to recognize that often they are not the solution and in fact an act of control, the very thing that is holding me back. and let nature heal me. heal itself.

Saying “I like you”

I was getting along great with this girl for months at this work training program (kind of a big community-ish place.) She was one of the few really positive forces in the direct physical proximity of my little life here. Things were great for a long time… and I decided finally to get a little more bold.. and ask her on a date. I wasn’t sure what she would say by any means. I saw her all the time. It almost felt obvious at this point.. to ask. But man… her reaction. It was silence for about a day. Then finally she said “I’m not looking to date anyone right now.”

Ok.. that’s fine. I told her that was ok. “I’m not in a hurry to date anyone now either.” I say. The thing is.. often girls just say that to get rid of you when they have some other specific reason to not be attracted to you. I just wanted to know a little more. And even as a friend, i wanted to get to know her more, as I had been doing before. We talked more, it seemed constructive, we agreed to be friends. It all sounds mostly cordial and good in the messages. She gave more then one reason for not wanting to date. Mainly it was that she “needed time to work on herself”. She really rubbed in the “just friends” things a bit too much. “lets just be friends.. and nothing else” Ok, I get it. ….But she was just sacred.. guys pressure her, sure, yeah.. I try not to take it personal. I do my best to sound confident.. but I’m really not an aggressive person. I just don’t like to be blown off in one or two sentences without more of a conversation about what actually just happened. just because we are not dating doesn’t mean i don’t vastly enjoy her company, being her friend, the things we talk about, as i had been doing up until then. she was a positive force in my little life here.

but yeah. it continues. it seems ok enough in the messages, rather good actually, respectful, articulate. yet when i see her throughout the day.. she is like physically running away from me, there is this very bad vibe, just when i happen to pass by her during the day. Things are not the same. it’s been over a week and she reacts like something really bad has happened.. just because i gave this “implication” i liked her. She is actually very chubby. I never said that to her that of course lol. And really she is very happy all the time and curvy (lol), and an uplifting force in my life in general.. she seems good with animals and kids. she says kind insightful things in group. she looks kind of innocent and cute but just starts rattling off all these really mature sounding things and topics without batting an eye. she looks like a big cute happy kid who like dancing to pop songs and eating lollie pops. but she has worked in hospitals. she can speak about any topic. she is serious. I thought she was like a hidden gem because you don’t notice her quality right away, or rather it has grown on me a lot. I feel very positive around her.. Lots of people can be driven in life by a kind of a stress or trauma, however you call it. She is very natural. She just looks healthy you know. I really feel for anyone with trauma like myself.. yet it is also true for me it is really healing to find one person like that who seems so grounded or ‘in nature’ kind of all the time.

I thought she would see this as a compliment, that i asked her on a date. Even if she said no. I didn’t have an expectation.. that was for sure. But i had waited months.. and my main concern was that she might think i didn’t actually like her and go for someone else who just had the balls to be more direct with her. I liked her more.. so i was taking my time. but knowing there are other guys out there.. that effects your process.

You have the right to say NO

AND you have the right to repair the damage

(a right to let them know why

and to talk things out between them and you)

A year ago i was actually in California, and i had met more then one great girl in my time there. it was some kind of serious miracle. I was forced to move back to New York. I am not a big fan of New York really. I like it.. but it is not the right place for me, maybe for a year or a few moths.. but not a place to grow up in unless you are already really confided about the way you life is going. lots of people to meet here.. but they are all busy. it’s a kind of illness, the constant busyness. I need warm weather.. chill vibes.. beaches.. year round. I have enough challenges already. The cold busy life of New York.. i wonder how it shaped me growing up over the years.. kept me more isolated… always trying to become something better.. cultivating that feeling that i didn’t matter.. afraid to seek out new groups. Eventually i did.. but man a nice environment really helps.

Even my cousin moved back to her home state because she said she couldn’t meet anyone in New York. many people she came across seemed to put work before family and relationships, they were preoccupied… the drive to “success” you might call it. For them they probably thought it made them sound more active.. the ambitions.. the devotion to work.. for her she wanted a family man. someone who valued the simple things. All those fast talking smart New Yorker’s probably thought they were making a good impression.. but there was something more obvious and basic missing.. and it is hard to know it.. when it is so apart of you.. i grew up inside it.. in California things were “better enough” that it helps me to see more clearly that there was a different way. that life really could feel easy or natural in relationship. It was like I moving my inner “tree” into the sunlight, when for so long i had been growing crooked in the dark. But i couldn’t afford to keep living there.

My life in general is a mess. out of control.. but i have to see the best in it. I live in these chaotic community homes… one to the next. this one is better then the last. That’s why i really wanted a friend like this girl. Someone so natural and stable. There are a few other people here i feel that way about.. but they are like my “superiors”.. people i “work under” so it is confusing asking if they want to hang out. they don’t ask me to hang out. there is actually even a rule that i can’t ride in their cars so it is super awkward and a little sad. also sad that i work under people younger then me who feel like they are friends, but like I’m not even allowed in their cars. there are lots of group activities but that isn’t always my jam. You want to feel like you can do the things you want to in your free time… and a few people in the group are really off the walls. Like a few specific people talking loudly over other people or randomly circling around the room being distrating. So all that chaos.. and the need for something calm and powerful.. put more pressure on finding a friend like this girl. the one person who is normal to talk to.. and not my superior. Like this happy ball of sunshine that just randomly dropped into my universe. but i had to make a choice about weather to be honest about liking her. I thought it might help move things along. If she had been feeling shy.

This girl, she kept saying that she needed to “work on herself” but it has been months since her last break up. i was never like.. in a hurry to “get with her”, never like in a hurry to “bang” her or something lol. I’m the type of person who could be contended with just for the pure joy of being around a person. It can feel so good to just finally have the company of a cute girl on a consistent basis. but her response.. brings up questions… what freaked her out so much? Does she see me as a preditor? Does she think i am disgusting that she has to over her eyes from me and run?

Before i asked her on a date two weeks ago.. we were taking with some regularity, making eye contact, comfortable in close proximity thorough the day, it was great, consistent, natural.. until i told her i liked her. I told her a bit more about my self. and asked a few question to get to know a bit more about where she was coming from and it all felt pretty mature and good for for the most part. and now when i see her in person she reacts like she is disgusted by me. and what really gets under my skin is that when she talks in the workshops here.. she sounds quite wise and mature, I am impressed by her. She says she wants a relationship where she can “talk about trauma,” because that is healthy to do.

Society doesn’t teach people how to handle these situations. i mean just the way this has been handled was extremely traumatic. talk about trauma. It feels like my gut is telling me that if her response is this brutal simply to a guy liking her.. that she doesn’t really understand the value of the relationships that continue to come her way just because she is cute. Society will never tell her to handle it better or to be kinder. Like she gets relationship after relationship (with guys who end up cheating on her)… and hopes for something better.. but takes it for granted, that there will always be another one,  guys will be asking her out.. so she can brutally blow off someone for all time if the timing isn’t right. it’s one thing when it’s not a good time for her. but sometimes it is like they really just mean “never”. i told her i was learning things and could use time to work on myself to.. that i wasn’t in a hurry. This type of thing just happens way to often. there are a lot of people in my area… but this was the person i had serious ongoing chemistry with. In California there were way more girls. but it was never easy. I was single until i was 29. I dated a girl for a few months once.

But yeah what is with this pattern of getting close to a girl.. but then it is like she is devastated to find out that you like her… It feels really fucked up. Like i am not her friend at all now. and i hear her talk about it and it feels like everyone among her it telling her this is the right thing for her to do. we had good vibes before. i never -needed- to date her. i don’t need it at this moment. but i need to feel like girls find me attractive. it is very confusing.. when you do everything right and are single for 29 years. I can tell by how this girl talks that she has blown off other men this this cold sudden kind of way.. and she is upset that most of them get angry. when i handed it very cordially and kept up a dynamic soothing dialogue.. she still treats me like we are in high-school.. like running away.. like holding a grudge. it effects me.. because i have no friends in this area.. she was also a true friend here.. now it is like she would rather hang out with the local retarded guy, not that there is anything wrong with being retarded, but this guy is also really obsessions.. but she feels safe with him? because she knows he won’t ask her out? what the hell. she and i are like the most normal people at this place. i just needed a friend and got over excited i guess.

I don’t need a relationship with anyone. but it feels like i can’t even be her friend now. you would think it would have been a compliment. she has the right to say no. but it feels like she was so hurt by it.. and we should be able to talk about that. why it hurt. or even better.. simply change the topic.. but stay as friends. i really don’t have a lot of friends in my physical proximity right now.. and i was really vibing with her for a long time. she’s just the right kind of natural person that I need to be around right now.. even just as a friend. we humans have got to stick together. this life is hard enough. loneliness is real. that was really all i needed.. i was just afraid she would think i didn’t like her. and any day the irony is that some guy who likes her less then i do could have asked her out.. because he would have been less invested in the result of what she says. that’s where it got complicated. otherwise i could have kept being her friend far longer before saying a thing. she is kind of goofy and chubby and I really do like her and I thought maybe she didn’t think she was good enough. man the roles have reversed like 180. I can’t argue with it or get in the habit of trying to prove i am good enough. Everyone has the right to say no. it is a lot more confusing when you have been getting along with someone for a long time.. and you see them every day. It feels like it would bring more relief to talk through this type of thing. there is no reason why she needs to be afraid of me.. and we see each other all the time.. it just makes things more uncomfortable.. it makes me feel bad.. and she had potential to be a true friend. It’s annoying to have to regret telling someone “i like you” but if you never tell them.. you will regret that too.

It brings up a lot of questions. like if you ask a girl out. and feel a great vibe with her. and she tells you it is not a good time in her life. and then starts to feel really conflicted and uneasy just knowing that you liked her.. like maybe guilty, it probably brought up a lot of questions.. like things that went wrong in past relationships she isn’t read to even start to think about. but then some other guy asks her out a year later when it is a good time for her. when she has worked out her demons. and then it is true love forever. so much of love seems like circumstantial.. being in the right place at the right time. i have been aware of this even since i was much younger… like say 17. love feels very natural.. but like society doesn’t give us the right way to talk about it or make time for it. We want the same things.. but if the timing isn’t right.. it can go very wrong.. people who like each other could become almost like enemies.. because you don’t really talk to the other person.. you trigger each other.. one person feels worthless and rejected.. the other person feels pressured and controlled. you both could be in agreement. but you don’t know it because you are afraid to speak to the other

You just have to hope that it is the “right time” for someone.. and it all starts to feel so totally random.. but when you actually see the person like in reality.. beyond what society tells us.. you feel a real connection.. something that is real and healthy and important.. even just being there friend.. seems to attract more good things into life for both people. I find it hard to talk to her.. because she runs away. it freaks me out. that she is doing that. like an overreaction. i feel like because she is not talking to me.. she just be imagining something much darker is going on. like she can’t know what i am thinking. she probably thinks i am pressuring and controlling her.. not handling a rejection well. I was really happy just the way things were. it is really silly. it feels like not talking about it is creating way more pain. but society will tell her “you have the right to say no. you have the right to reject” but that isn’t the actual quetsino here. that is a distraction. how do you mend a friendship? how do you repair a connection to someone? Before this we had a positive mutually beneficial connection.. that had been sorly lacking in my life for a long time. us humans gotta stick together in this crazy world. For guys the term “just friends” hurts.. it hurts a lot. And it is something that should be spoken about honestly. but it doesn’t mean that we are “in a hurry to bang” or “need” to pressure a specific person into a relationship. “wanting” relationship doesn’t make you “entitled” but i feel like society seems seems to strongly imply that it does. it is hard.. but it feels like guys and girls should be able to talk openly about this type of thing. like we are hiding in our triggers and triggering each other.. when the irony of it all is that the two of us are actually in agreement.. but she is a bit younger then me.. she is more afraid.. she is afraid to talk to me.. won’t actually told to me.. so she is probably imagining that i am this guy pressuring her into something she doesn’t want. stuff that isn’t there. I don’t like to wait this out forever. but i feel afraid to just walk up and talk to her. too much bad ju ju. like this girl will literally run away and it will make it so much worse. what did i ever do to disserve this? lol

So i saw her today. She  was walking by. It had been on my mind a lot. Why was she afraid? had i really upset her? I got her attention .. she didn’t actually run away this time. she smiled or walked closer or something like that. I told her i was afraid i had upset her.. and that i felt bad about it. i waned her to know that i was in agreement with her that we could be friends, and that i had no ill wishes to her. that she didn’t have anything to fear from me.

And she said “yes everything is good. it’s good. we are in agreement.” something like that. it felt positive. my eyes met hers it felt good. it was almost too brief. she was walking to the office where the have lollipops. she has a habit of going there once or twice a day to get a pop. she seemed in a hurry to get there. like that pop was more excieting then i was.

this brought another question to mind. perhaps she wasn’t that troubled by me at all. was it possible that i was simply such in inconsequential element in her life that none of this had really even effected her. it felt like she had been afraid of me.. but maybe that was combining with the fact that she was simply indifferent about me. that was equally scary. she seemed in a hurry to get to that pop. but i felt great. it felt like we were in fact on good terms now. even it it was resolved in just two sentience. now i had got it off my chest. a better version of what i had meant to say seven days ago before she stopped reading my message.

i felt good. it felt like something had been repaired. it wasn’t even as wrong as i thought. now i didn’t have to read too much into her actions or expression. it might be natural or reflexive for her to want to look the other way.. know that she knows i like her.. that we had that conflict. her trauma is feeling pressured into relationships. my trauma is feeling rejected and lacking relationship. We have opposite traumas. We triggered each other. it is sad. that we have to be so different and oppisite. like tragic irony. But it was never really “personal”. and we are actually in agreement that we both could use a friend right now.. and that is more important then dating anyone. (LOL of course i do want a relationship as a guy who as been single the vast majoirty of his life.. obviously that is only natural.. but i mean i agree that i have no specific NEED for it to be her.. or for it to be “now”) It is normal that you may not want to date a person.. but i don’t think girls like her always realize that there can be intense hidden implications behind what she says that can leave people feeling hurt.. that’s why it is good to talk about it. for her it is not a good time. she has unloved business. but some guys are used to being alone.. used to rejecting.. it is hard not for it to feel personal. and at the end of the day.. even just the friendship with a nice girl can feel very rewarding if you have been single so long. And it can lead to you feeling positive and actually attracting relationships with more people.. having friends of the other sex.. it is not necessarily bad to be friends with someone you like. i mean.. sometimes i can like 5 or 10 different girls and be friends with all of them. it has happened before. and it feels very positive.. and you end up not focusing too much on anybody. guess what.. they are all taken. who cares. it still made my life better.

i feel good about it. it’s an improvement. i go onto facebook. she handed unfriended me so i felt that maybe what she said and what she felt could be different things. i clicked on her profile. I’m just broad. i don’t have that many friends her. i was thinking about relationship. and the connections i have here. at least i could feel good that i am her friend again. then i noticed it said “message (her name) if you know her”. she had unfriended me. she had actually unfriended me over this and i didn’t even notice. we had only just friended a few weeks ago. that was so extreme. if anything i thought this might have brought us closer. we wanted different things but that is normal.. i had used it as a segway to talk to her about a variety of things in that conversion seven days ago.. we talked about why we were here.. what we wanted out of it.. something else.. i can’t remember. it was brilliant really, how much better i am at this. i was turning the negative into a positive. I could sell that conversion in a dating skills book.

but yeah then it felt like she was actually afraid of me. talking to her was great. but now i notice that she actually is not my friend anymore on the internet. she is younger then me. this is very normal for some girls. things get very dramatic. I knew somebody that would unfriend even her closest friends any time they had a big argument. I’ve never unfriend anyone. its sad. how happy and normal she seems. stuff like this is what makes me question that we are in fact on “good terms”. it feels very immature and ridiculous.. but i am short on options here. if i was in California.. i was meeting way more chill happy people there. this is not the place for me. i knew that from the start… i had no choice. I’m trying to focus on the good relationships i do have here. What is the purpose of this story? I feel like this type of situation comes up a lot though, and at the least it makes a good story.. at best we learn something profound about society and it helps us all find better relationships LOL.


Love & Dating, how did this take so long to notice??


I used to think smart words and big confidence could make you love me. Years of always trying.. yet never enough. It’s taken so long.. to realize a few simple, yet permanent changes. Now I see a different kind of ‘play flow’ in speech and connection. I enjoy myself, and often now it’s you who comes to me. You come to me without effort. I talk to you, without needing a reason. It’s almost annoying that it took this long to realize something so simple.

I always thought people were ‘getting’ relationships, now I think they were just semi-unintentionally attracting them, while being in a social field/ large friend network.

Simply looking at you, listening to you, was desirable for you. Somehow I assumed it wasn’t. Playfully pondering your words and emotional experience, even at the risk of a conversational pause, is a good thing. Just smiling at you without needing a reason/explanation. Or making up an explanation as an ‘act of play’ that may have not even been the reason why I was smiling.

Being with you, yet not being hyper-focused on you. Enjoying your presence yet relaxed enough to enjoy myself as well. Almost as I do when I’m alone. My natural enjoyment was reaching you on its own. It seems looking and gazing doesn’t require words. At times subtle energy could be more effective then the big. Words didn’t have to be clever to entertain you, but rather fun enjoyable for me; creating an atmosphere enjoyable for us both.

Enjoying and noticing random things around me, subtle sources of light and play feeding me. That speech or observations could be random or free form. I could connect, relate emotionally to your experiences and enjoy those thoughts, not only relate to you intellectually or creatively, but emotionally. That thinking less was better then over thinking. Speech came not solely as an informational exchange, but and act of play.

Attraction and love isn’t just ‘ethereal magic’. play and human presence builds real energy, heart field. actual photons, partial energy, is constantly bounding off us weather we want it or not. play and relaxed enjoyment release stress and sets that energy free. (power of play)

That basic questions or statements could sustain connection and go surprisingly far

“How are you?”
—This is what I did today.—
“Do you like traveling?”
“Do you have pets?”
“What did you do today?”
“What to you enjoy?”

… Knowing that I was worthy to ask. It gets easier with practice. Just ‘feeling’ that what i have to say matters. That i matter just as I am. That I am worth her time. I am worthy of her gaze.

Follower calm conversational statements like

“that reminds me of ______”


Just enjoying and free associating ideas. That a pause was not to be feared, but enjoyed. People simply enjoyed the act of sharing or being around someone. That rich connection blossomed from simple enjoyment, and returned to simple enjoyment, and blossomed again to rich connection. That anything could be more fun when there were two of us. So saying ‘this random thing is fun’ wasn’t a lie. That a seemingly insignificant thought or noticing became significant, merely by the act of saying it, sharing it with another person. That I was connected to you, even before the point of touching you. I didn’t need to hunt for the moment to hold your hand, or be in a hurry to kiss you too fast simply to ‘confirm’ that progress had been made. There was a much more important connection already happening if I simply learned to let it. You could want me on your own, without me having to make you. Then we could hold hands for the pure enjoyment without me needing that type of thing as a sign of ‘approval’ or admittance from you.

Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
“If we only mask the symptoms, we’ll have them for life.”

Natural Synergy

Play in Conversation

applicable tips

Go to an event, fair, park. Find someone who looks mildly relaxed, not completely preoccupied. Maybe 50 % of the people are in this decent mood. Approach them without needing a ‘reason’. Play and connection are your reason. Perhaps ‘play’ sounds silly. Then think of it in a subtle way. Play is your ability to enjoy. Underlying all people have this need for human company and some kind of enjoyable experience, so talking to strangers is not as silly as many of us think, or we fear it is, in fact it is actually essential and community building. People are build to need each other, even those who don’t know this, still need it on the cellular level, and will thank you and feel grateful without knowing why, when you feel practiced and relaxed with this yourself.

Notice a person, visualize some vague sense of what the person might be thinking feeling based on their situation, their environment. Think about this, and then let the thoughts go. Draw attention to the pleasant (sensations, fun noticings); imagine the energy within you, focus attention on what makes you feel good, notice all the color and environment energy your body is receiving.

Walk up to them.

Nice you may already feel an ‘energetic connection’ with them even before they overtly notice you. This connection may come from your eyes or skin.

Say “I love your art” (if they’re painting) or “I love you outfit”. Even if you’re not an artist, or clothing designer, they may be happy just to see someone is interested. It gives them a chance to tell someone what they are doing, why they are doing it. It feels like a connection has happened.

Or use a statement “I love the park”

A question “hows the food here”

Or ask them for directions.

Or “What book are you reading?” Enjoy each sentence at a time. Don’t focus too much on what you will say next. Don’t fear a ‘serious face’ from them. A neutral sign is not a bad sign. Even if someone is a bit grouchy, they may not be conscious of it, and it may not be directed at you. As you talk instead of forcing energy, notice a subtler benefit, one that is less flashy, but easy, effortless to maintain. (‘Serious face’ is a reflection of the other person’s energetic state and not a rejection of you. What makes it more confusing at first is that they may ‘act happy’ towards other people. But exposing ‘serious face’ to you or someone that was unexpected is not a bad sign; it can even lead directly to more intimate connection, skipping the ‘front’ sage completely. Often what we encounter may just be a ‘neutral face’ but fear makes us read it as critical.)

Feel a light energy connection between us. My energy is what it is, it doesn’t have to be any higher or lower then where it wants to be. Doing this, they may take your lead and ‘shift’ down with you. More intimate types of connections or honest omissions may happen. They feel they can lower their guard. “I hate this job” they may say. But that’s honesty, it’s connection, progress. A lot of people may be suffering, I promote talking about it; just being their to listen “I relate to that”. it’s a sign of intimacy. at the same time, I am enjoying my own thoughts and perceptions, even if talking about something difficult. I visualize a situation they describe, they can see I am thinking about them, they feel like I am listening.

At the same time, I weave in more uplifting conversation. I am not obligated to the heavy, the serious or stressful, sometimes the heavy serious conversation magnifies us down too long and becomes unproductive. We are afraid to ‘break the mold’. I am not afraid to weave in some fun observation or action into the conversation. Everyone has a wanting for this natural uplift, they may not act on it or know how to, but you can. Channeling an uplifting energy, even in subtle ways.

Look directly at sometimes eyes, or alternate, looking at their forehead for example, or just slightly away. Looking at someones skin still creates connection as well. Skin emits and receives biolight. Peripheral eye contact is also connection. If direct gaze feels intimidating at times, you can we’ve between these other modes. Yet even if you stare at someone (with a good(ish) heart feeling), over time they may start to like it. What you feel in your heart effects the energy your eyes emit. Even neutral/calm feelings are good to create this connection, better then negative and fear. You don’t have to be at your best.

I’m in a state of play, but if it feels like I’m ‘reaching’ for energy, trying too hard, feeling stress on my body; then I slow down, draw action to more simple or relaxing thoughts perceptions or feelings. There may be a on going adjusting as  your body gets the hang for this play and biolight based interaction.

You are not limited just to approaching people in this way, even subtle benefits of being around people, subtle connections, are an accomplishment. If you don’t have a long connection, don’t see this as a failure. Keep enjoying subtle sensations at the event. Don’t feel you are ‘supposed’ to do anything. Notice if connections start to happen, even without you’re thinking about them. Merely by your enjoying yourself, and wanting it to happen. Your gaze is at eye level, eyes moving around. Not afraid of meeting someones, yet not needing to do anything either. Your eyes start to meet someones. Supirse. Lets say this time they ask YOU for directions.

“isn’t this a great fair?” you say back after helping them figure out where they are going.

“do you know where this booth is?” you aks.

Now you’re having a conversation. And it just began as some pleasant sessions in your heart combined with eye movements. – Notice it’s not just what my eyes are doing, but also what my heart is feeling, that has this subtle (or not so subtle) effect on people and in myself. – As you talk, notice they’re wanting to connect in their voice, their eyes. Or if they don’t show it, don’t be afraid, they may have ‘tired face’ but this doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Give it time and see if there is a shift. If they still seem negative with no change after like 40 seconds, you can back out. There may be many other people that do want to connect. It takes repeated experience, to know when someone is very not interested / busy, and when it is just your fear reading into it. Even if they start off not interested, with time, they may become interested. Magnetism gradually arises.

Create positive associations with going to social events or work. I feel good about it even before I’ve arrived. Instead of feeling “I should do this, but I really don’t want to,” negative thoughts that drain you. Visualize things you do enjoy about work/events, or recall past good experiences going as far back as childhood, even if it was just one time, a moment. Let a good feeling move your body, carry you to the event. Notice when negative thoughts are triggered during your day. Do the thoughts help? Perhaps just by this noticing you will be less likely to be triggered next time. Keeping focus in positive or pleasant.

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I like to find ways to included multiple people when possible, sometimes one in one for too long could be tiring depending on your mood, don’t feel obligated to talk to someone for hours if it feels like they demand too much or you are not into it for some reason.

Maybe just having a friend with me to return back to, you don’t want to crowd someone new you are meeting with all your friends.. Just the act of sitting or relaxing in a place that has a lot of people, i find helps me receive the human energy, so i don’t get low energy or drained from the talking part of things. talking used to be draining for me. now i see being with people as an act of receiving energy and bringing energy into the body, the body natural emits energy, so you are not ‘taking’ someones energy, when people are alone, the energy just shoots off into space and is wasted, so you are essentially receiving free energy just by being near people. excess energy the body naturally continuously emits, designed to heal other people, or cure the ‘low energy’ i used to deal with.

i place a lot of value on enjoying that act of being near people, i don’t rely overly on words like i used to, i use them like poetry; so at least half or more of the time is spent just relaxing and enjoying. and ultimately people enjoy just being near people. because i’m not over focused on ‘pleasing’ people, i don’t get drained like i used to. i am meeting people, standing or sitting with them, but at least half of the time my awareness is on myself (while i gaze at them) on my well-being.

i notice myself relaxing, almost like a ‘social mediation’ or ‘multiple person gazing meditation’ i talk in a way that brings enjoyment to me, as well as the other person. i focus a good amount of attention on my own enjoyment of whatever I’m talking about, because the other person will actually respond positively to those ~emotions~ it is not actually selfish as i might have thought in the past. i can’t get drained from talking now, because i use talking as part of the process of creating energy for myself, and that energy expands to others. it’s the best and only way to increase their energy as well.

I enjoy the feelings.. whatever I’m talking about my imagination creates in me, I feel it increasing my energy, both when I’m talking to people, or just thinking to myself, so talking is specifically there to increase my energy. it is more an act of art, then just purely information or instructions of some kind. this way of being doesn’t allow me to get exhausted like i used to all the time, the whole point is increasing my energy, so others feel the benefit too. love yourself to love others.

Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
“If we only mask the symptoms, we’ll have them for life.”

Sometimes saying no to one person actually makes you more connected to the group, that’s important too, it actually takes courage to say no. When i was lonely I would go to an event and get pulled on by the more desperate people, because I could feel safe with them, and then i would be indebted to them somehow. The lonely me would cling to one person at an event and say ‘hey I’m socializing!’ but acutely i wasn’t getting the energy of the group, i was spending hours over focusing on one person, trying to ‘please them’ with their approval.

Sometimes actually the courage to say “no” or pull away from some more anxious or demanding people, frees you up to attract and connect to the people that are on the more relaxed satisfying plane or dimension. Now i sit back, and allow myself to feel an expanded energy connection with the group. Some people are caught in loops that can’t actually be pleased, and the best thing you can do for them is to not indulge a bottomless void, and instead focus on cultivating the energy of entire group. I remember have to cut someone off once at an event, but i was so i could focus on being connected to the group energy, and i felt so much positive energy that night, that i remember the guy i felt i sort of ignored was still very positive towards me, and remember me years later. the best way to please people is to focus on your personal wellness.

I used to socialize to ‘win friends’ and it’s still a similar go i have, but now i socialized to cultivate energy in my being, it is though i am ‘already connected’ to people. i’m not earning or winning them over so much. They are sort of an extension of myself via light energy, that strengthens just as we spent time together. Yet at the same time i don’t fear the ‘lows’, and i don’t see others ‘low energy’ as a personal rejection of myself, as i used to. I used to believe most people were rejecting me by default. Now whoever i am i tend to assume most people want / are built to need that energetic connection with another person, they want my company by default, even if they have their own fears or trust issues, beyond that, they are build to want ‘me’ / you. i don’t have to do anything extra exactly or put on a talent show.

Now i can see someones ‘tiredness’ is about their state of being and not a rejection or response to ‘me’. and i can even have compassion for the tiredness, and find the right topics or rhythm that seem best for them (as well as myself), and not feel i have to ‘act happy’ to impress them, like we often do, which can actually be bad because it’s stressful, or adds more stress when often people tend to be a bit tired because of their jobs or some dissatisfaction in life, people want their off time to be a release from work and stress. I used to act more energized then i felt, pumping out big energy all the time to win people over, yet all my social interactions would end in burn out, i didn’t even realize i was doing this, it was the only way i knew, the only way many of us know, this battle to ‘earn’ friends. now i don’t have to pump out big energy to impress people, because now i now the subtle ‘already there’ connection is more powerful, because it allows two or more people to join their rythems without stress, and cultivate energy in a growing not draining way.

And make no mistake, the energy you cultivate together will greatly exceed any energy you can force out on your own through stress and effort. It is only ‘subtle’ in the beginning. That subtle beginning is important so it talk about it allot. that subtle beginning, (those subtle feelings of connection you ease into at first with people) IS the way to get to the really being energy and charisma that you want.

Bring up topics you enjoy. Ask questions. Talk about what they enjoy. Gaze and listen without worrying about a response. Focus on pleasant sensations. In terms of what you say, try different ways at it. Allow you mind to relax, and as you focus on pleasant sensations, see what thoughts surfaces. Visualize what the other person is feeling. Even if you forget what your talking about. Do not be embarrassed about forgetting. keep taking in positive observations inspired by your environment, focusing on pleasant sensations, then another random thought or thread enters your mind. turn that into conversation.

“I’m hoping to check out that booth.” this occurs to you.

“Oh are you an artist?” they say “Actually I’m a writer”

“That reminds me of this interesting show when they did ____”

“It’s interesting the way everyone here is _____”

as you relax into the conversation, more things start occurring to you. You start having perceptive thoughts and observations.

“look at the way that person is doing that”

“that reminds me of”

“they must be feeling”

“these video games look cool, I’m sad I haven’t played them, but now i’m noticing they are all direct copies of Mario.”

you start having more complex perceptions without trying to. “do you want to watch this show with me?”

“are you hungry?”

“lets go play that dancing game.”

One moment I’m having complex perceptions, the next i’m saying “lets eat”

or “look at that funny cat over their”.

I’m not attached to ‘sounding intelligent.’

More neurons are firing, but this is a product of having fun, and not actually because i’m ‘trying to sound intelligent’. the neuron firings themselves are play, vibrational genesis.

These are exercises to un-condition the ‘entertaining’ mode of conversation. Ask them if they want to hang out again, get a contact, but notice how much enjoyment comes out just in the present, even in a five minute interaction.

Or maybe we’re walking side by side, and my mind drifts a bit, I’m having all kinds of complex perceptions, while keeping the other person in my relaxed awareness. .. Maybe i’m wondering about this persons childhood. Noticing the way that person guarding the door over there is inhibiting the rooms energy. Thinking about the next thing i want to do. Noticing the flow of energy in the room or area, the quality of the connection. I may be noticing all this, but all I say is “do you want to go dancing on Tuesday?” not even related to what I was thinking. All these other noticings may not even come up in the conversation. Yet they are fun and relaxing, it feels good to let loose like this at times. And maybe later on, something I had pondered comes into the conversation. I only noticed it because I was with someone yet able to enjoy myself at the same time.


Allow your mind to wander when your around people, while at the same time feeling the energy benefit of the people. Even while you’re in conversation, you mind may wander a little. We focus intensely on each other out of a wanting to connect, yet all this focusing actually creates stress, and makes us less perceptive. This free floating awareness, while being physically with people, allows us to connect to our own being, while being with others.

After many experiences now my mind has a greater backlog of interesting topics and ways to connect I can re-access more quickly. Also my body has built a muscle memory for connection. Many things may happen, or click on, at certain times, while i may not be thinking about it. My body has an instinct. Being social feels natural, desirable, something to look forward to. I just spend time ‘hanging around’ but my body is learning things, subconscious learnings that happen. My mind records information without me trying to. When I’m in a state of play or pleasant enjoyment, my mind may remember all kinds of things about people, that I can use the next time we meet. The playful mindset makes the information click.