the Art of Nirvana

This is some artwork from my epic fantasy “Nirvana Saga” (the sequel story to “Demon Savior.” a decade older (unreleased) work from my years growing up.) Nirvana Saga is more reflective as a metaphor for my current life. The story has been this unintended spinoff, starting as a “bonus” Novel about the afterlife, it has turned into a full fledged series about a mad angel who harvests the suffering of countless souls. this sequel story about Nirvana, bubbling in my head for years. now more fleshed out. it has mostly been ideas and writing, and not visual. where Demon Savior began with Art. Video games. Animations. it was all visual. Nirvana saga has only existed in writing for years. but little by little. here and there… I made a sketch. gave a face to the characters that i saw so clearly in my head.   finally so others could see them. i started this story, and got the inspiration for it during a difficult time, that is the reason the art for it was not available till years later. now can we start to see the world fleshed out in visual detail.

Sivlith Lumentiah. the mad scientist. He prefers a gothic aesthetic. Former right hand man of Zysheomist, the Demon Lord. Sivlith returns now, unexpectedly, as an unlikely hero in this new War for Nirvana. the War against Armas, the tyrannical angle. Sivlith is a force to reckon with. Praised by many to be the “smartest man” in all the universes. his mind is a weapon to be feared. in his mind, he has deduced and deconstruct the possible truths behind the enigmatic Armas. he has put his incredible intelligence to this task of knowing Armas, and ending the invincible angel once and for all. He has already begun his hidden assault against the supposed “God” all mighty Armas. Sivlith is the brains of the operation. the formulator of plan Zeathean and his warriors will follow, and eventually Lyra herself, becomes the muscle who acts according to his direction. But Sivlith doesn’t want Lyra to suffer. he has a secret plan to end Armas all on his own. He doesn’t believe that the war can be ended just with physical strength. he has applied his mind to get to the real truth of how Armas can steal the energy of others.

Armas. the tyrannical angel. the man himself. Handsome. Angelic. yet a monster hides behind his smiling face.

Sivlith close up. A man who always has a plan. Dark truths weigh on his mind.

Lyra Summerstrom. the heroin of our brave new world. An ordinary, quarky, yet highly charismatic girl with an unexpected hidden power that will shake Nirvana to its core. in this scene she is “powering up” for her epic face off against Armas towards the end of the series. she is fully awakened. now pushing the spectrum of “God power” further then it has ever been taken. countless souls lending their power to her. in a telepathic network. so she can be the natural antidote to the unnatural monstrosity of Armas. A “glamor shot”. as my friend called it. Really captures the best of her.


Origins of Armas. who is the boy in the mask?

Cute Lyra. Lyra chews on fruit.


Golden Pyramid of Goddess Helexia. Helexia is  a legendary guardian of Nirvana who once fought Armas 3 trillion years ago, and almost won. The pyramid is very large, miles wide, so large that a city is built on top of it. All these people have gathered here… said to have been drawn in by the energy of the Goddess who apparently still lives today.

Vira’s Tower. Fortress of Evil. aka Nirvana’s Thorn. Reaching 9 kilometers into the sky. designed by the greatest dark architects from across Nirvana. freshly commissioned by the new queen of evil.

Vira Hellstar. the apprentice of Armas. and now successor to Armas. the new dark lord. She is the star of those who warship pain. she was wronged by those of the mortal world. and now seeks her revenge, here in the afterlife. Said to be the strongest  individual person in Nirvana. a power said to be beyond God level 9. Trained by the legendary Armas. unexpectedly, she betrayed him. She is now the one to fear. the real terror of Nirvana. She is the one Armas hoped to produce. A fresh young soul to carry and renew his vision of revenge. She is .. the destiny of evil.   They come from all around Nirvana. They bow before her. her power. her beauty. it is a gift just to be near it. She is a chosen one. Who will take revenge.. for all those who are cursed and broken. Vira is the nemesis, the shadow of Lyra Summerstrom.

I have this image of “Lyra in Exile”. A Lyra with a heavy, “energy dampening” cloak over her. to mask her power. she is now a battle hardened ‘high tier’ God level fighter at this point. yet still losing against the undefeatable Armas. she must go into hiding. this is a “later in the series” image. a later stage in the war with Armas. A fully awakened Lyra is frustrated.. still unable to win.. and must go into hiding.

Zo. Zoklasha. “the one”. aka “mom”. a dark force behind Armas. is she his alternate personality? a voice in his mind? a voice Armas speaks to when he feels trapped in a corner. maybe a manifestation of child trauma? a clue to his past.   or is she a separate being entirely? the one behind the curtain, a puppet master behind the figure head Armas?!   Perhaps she is the mind that controls the Nethertwine itself. Armas’s soul sucking source of power, now self aware. it’s own person come to life.    who is this person? who is “mom”? what is she? and is she stronger then Armas himself? I am using this page to post art going forward.



Chapter 4 – So Cool

an excerpt from “Nirvana Saga”

from “Book 2 – the Mad Profit”

Chapter 4

So Cool

     Zeathean and Lyra go for many hikes out in the endless magnificent landscapes of New Nirvana. Lyra is leaning against a tree eating a large pink fruit, taking a break from the hike. Zeathean is just watching her. In truth, every time he looks at her, he gets chills running through his entire body. ‘I can’t believe it, it’s like I can’t believe that she is even real.’ Zeathean thinks to himself. She is unreal. This girl is too cool to be real. For decades, I thought that Lyra Summerstrom was just a fiction, I thought she was a daydream, a fantasy, I had concocted in my lonely mind. She came to me in dreams, yet never in the real. I thought I was going crazy, to believe that this girl could really exist.

I believed she was not real. But the truth is, she is here, and she has been real, all this time, and now I can see it. The feeling is overwhelming and beyond explanation. The way I feel… every single time I look at her. I waited 1000 years to meet this girl, and I feel like a could wait 1000 more just to get one step closer to her. Just to be on her level. There is something about her that is just so …. cool.

She is always proving to be even more than I imagined. Everything I have ever done has been for a chance to get closer to this girl. Even my quest to destroy Armas, it has all been for her.

Lyra is a paradox, I can never understand her… yet she is here, she is gentle, and she is good. Every soul is a paradox… “free will” is a paradox. It is ironic, to try and understand free will. To know the will of a soul through logic. because a soul’s freedom is a paradox. A paradox is the absence of logic; it can never be understood through logic. Lyra is like a hurricane of love, she is a storm of joyful enthusiasm. She is wild compassion. She is overflowing with abundant affection. She is a ‘summer storm’. Lyra Summerstrom.

I feel that right now, I could transform into the ‘dark vortex’ the monster inside me that I used to battle Armas those years ago. God level 3. I could summon God level 3 right here right now, and this girl wouldn’t be afraid. She isn’t afraid of anything. She can face all the darkness in my heart, and she wants it. She wants to know the deepest part of me. I could turn into the dark vortex, and this girl, she would chew me up and spit me back out like no big deal. And that is exactly what I would want her to do. She is a total badass. There is something about this girl, that is just, so, … cool.

So expressive and emotive and alive in every moment. She has some kind of mastery over love and light itself. The truth is… many people confuse what we call ‘God energy’ (a powerful energy of soul) with love itself, yet they are not quite the same thing, and sometimes love and God energy can be very different. In a way, Lyra goes beyond the God energy spectrum, there is some quality about her. Like love itself. She emanates this pure feeling of love. Her power can be measured at God level 2.3, my power is God level 3, yet God energy is a measure of power and past life suffering, it is not a measure of love. Lyra has some kind of strange connection with people, with nature and with love itself. Lyra is always teaching me, I am always learning.

Lyra catches him gazing at her. “What!?” She says.

“I was just thinking about something really important.” Zeathean says coyly.
“Oh really?” Lyra teases emphatically.
“I want you to know the truth…” Zeathean begins with a slightly ominous tone. “I want you to know my deepest truth I have hidden for too long.”
“And what might that be?” She grins. Playing along. only half sure he is joking.

“The truth is… I like your face.” Zeathean says.

Lyra laughs. he is joking around of course.

“Oh, I see. What will i do with this information?” she says with this big goofy smile “How should i proceed?”

“Maybe you should take a closer look…” She says, leaning closer “just to help you decide if you really like what you see.”
Zeathean feels himself getting hot and his heart racing.
Zeathean moved closer to her.
Lyra grabbed Zeathean and pulled him in for a kiss.

To get the full story of “Book 1 Sunlight Conquest” about how Zeathean and Lyra meet, go to my ‘patreon’ and make a donation of your choosing. For example 1 to 5 dollars. In addition receive a free copy of my prominent work “Playful and Worthy” about building strong relationship to self and others. It seems small but this will go towards helping me and my cause. Your support of donation is greatly appreciated in my state of poverty. As not having a long term place to live these last years has made completing this story very difficult. by the way this book has some “adult” content.

The story of “Nirvana Saga”

For a long time I have been working on an epic fantasy series called the “Nirvana Saga”. I have poured much of my life and passion into this story. It is kind of like a “secret” project because so much of it is unfinished, so I haven’t tried to make it ‘public’ really. The story is kind of a metaphor for just about everything, the “human experience” even though it takes place in the afterlife.. that is to make it exciting.. it is a story about trauma. and recovery. People in the story awaken in “Nirvana” the afterlife.. and find it isn’t everything they expected. it is actually better. yet the hardest thing is just learning to cope with and get past the trauma of everything that happened to them on Earth. In the story they are trying to uncover the actual reason for the existence of the Earth plain, the reason turns out to be something much darker then they thought possible.. and just when they think the story is over.. the quest to uncover the truth behind the reason for the existence of Earth awakens a new journey here in Nirvana, an unknown enemy, a sleeping beast they never dreamed they would encounter. This story is a metaphor, yet it is also a testing ground for my real opinions about the afterlife.

A synopsis:

The story of “Nirvana Saga” takes place in Nirvana… the afterlife. Zeathean and Lyra, after living and dying, surviving all the trials of life, they can now finally live together in harmony here in the free world. They settle into a small village, surrounded by nature, and live a happy life. Festivals day and night. Lyra is enthusiastic.. like a ring leader in their village. Many people have been hurt by events of their past lives.. but she wants them to find their genuine joy. Zeathean and Lyra now have closeness and love they had always wanted. it seems never to end. it feels way too good to be true. so good it is actually scary. There is so much to do in this new world. On the surface it is similar to the Earth world.. yet the more you explore.. it is endless. and magical.. everything they wanted about their old lives is here.. the simple things that matter.. and yet there is a new world full of adventure just waiting for them.

(NOW AVAILABLE To get the full story of “Book 1 Sunlight Conquest” about how Zeathean and Lyra meet, go to my ‘patreon’ and make a donation of your choosing. Not to be ‘thirsty’ but your support of donation is greatly appreciated in my state of poverty. As not having a long term place to live these last years has made completing this story very difficult.

Nirvana is not actually a single place.. but rather a Multiverse full of adventure.. the true expression of soul. Contrary to popular belief Nirvana isn’t without pain and struggle. It has all the sins of earth.. However Nirvana is also very different, the physical laws it follows are almost opposite to what they are on Earth. In Nirvana.. getting stabbed through the heart can actually make you stronger, though pain is not enjoyable.

People who return to Nirvana from earth.. experience it like a whole new place. Now they have a much greater appreciation for all that Nirvana is. To them.. it isn’t even the same place that they left.. now that they carry with them all the experiences they had on earth. When you journey to Earth from Nirvana.. you forget everything that happened to you in Nirvana as you entire the antimatter cloud.. everything you knew is erased.. however on the return trip it is not the same.. in Nirvana the true world.. you tend to remember a fair amount of what happened to you on Earth, only what your soul remembers, not your mind which is no longer even the same mind or body. (On Earth past life memory.. and connection to the afterlife are both perfectly eclipses/obstructed by the antimatter boundary between Earth and Nirvana.) Having this memory of events on earth.. it can be traumatic. But it also means people who returned from Earth tend to seek out and collectively manifest, and then inhabit these places. These places may be your home.. a place you lived.. or your idea vacation spot. It is an entirely new place that may resemble your ideal dream environment, and often it is a combination of the overlapping dreams of many people that manifest these Nirvana environments. New environments are manifesting all the time. But that doesn’t mean the souls have full control over what appears here. These environments appears to reflect the life the souls here most desired.. which may not even be the life they “think” they desired. It is the life they actually desired. Which isn’t unlimited freedom. Often it can be surprisingly ordinary, but the way it feels is not the way it looks, and lets be fair, even ordinary places in Nirvana are still way more surreal and awesome in their look and stature to most of the places you see on Earth.Nirvana doesn’t just give you everything you want. because that would be too easy.. then there would be nothing left to do. Nirvana gives you freedom.. a new adventure. It gives you not a a life of unlimited power and freedom.. but simply the life you wanted when you were on Earth.

Nirvana is no superficial paradise… as many imagined or feared it would be.. rather it has it’s own rules and limits.. but it is free of the true misery and unlimited type of deviation that can exist on Earth. Everything in Nirvana is governed by light, not the dark. Some places resemble the ordinary environments of Earth.. yet even these places have a different feel to them.. this connected magical harmonious “feeling” that is always with you.. There aren’t hidden illnesses and tragic accidents that can take it all away in a heart beat. Life here isn’t “fragile” the way it is on earth. On Earth everything is a fragile construct built over top the dark.. build around it.. The ‘material of the Earth plain is mostly “empty”. Nirvana is mostly “full”. Continuous light. In Nirvana killing a person is harder then destroying a skyscraper. Because the strongest marital in Nirvana is not the artifice of matter.. it is soul itself. On Earth.. the power of soul is felt.. but not known.. not seen.. it is hidden to us, the true extent of soul, soul on earth is quite, drives everything we do, our highest ambitions.. yet at the same time it is invisible, unseen, unheard. In Nirvana soul is stronger then matter. However there, are, those in Nirvana with the power to take life. However this is not common. There are people who dwell here who have the strength and power of skyscrapers.. mountains.. or even entire planets and stars.. hidden inside them. you would never even know they possessed this power.

In Nirvana everything is governed by soul. Not by matter. In Nirvana you live forever, time makes you more youthful rather then older. Outer space is light instead of dark. Instead of stars in the sky there are ‘soul clusters.’ Full of souls with infinite possibilities to become anything they so choose to be. Nirvana is immaterial.. and eternal. The universe is 14 billion years old. But Nirvana has no beginning or end.. it has existed for trillions of years and will exist long after the material universe has imploded and all the stars burnt out.

Another misconception.. is that Nirvana is only for the enlightened, only for those who have awakened after many trials and lifetimes on earth. The truth is that good or bad.. everyone goes to Nirvana. (this is a story, I’m not telling you what to believe)

Arriving in Nirvana should have been the end of the struggle for our heroes.. However…. a truly insidious villain.. has been waiting all along, here, in the most unlikely place, in the very heart of Nirvana itself.. Our heroes defeated many villains back in the mortal world… but this time.. they may not win.. this time.. the villain they must face…… Is God.

God goes by no name. He gives life, and he takes life. Sometimes people call him God. But those very few who know him closely.. sometimes refer to him by a different name. That name is Armas. and this is the name we come to know him by for our story.

God aka Armas.. is radiant, and he is wrathful. He generates a powerful life force, that can create planets, grow trees, he is life itself. And yet, he has a dark side. Often times Armas seems to thrive on evil itself. And this is why… our heroes prefer not to see Armas as God. They call him.. Armas the “tyrannical Angel.” But his power is unquestionable. He does things that should be impossible. He brings back those who have been dead 1000 years. He teleports across impossible distances. He knows the inner most thoughts and feelings of trillions and trillions of people across Nirvana’s vast reaches. He is physically indestructible. He radiates light like an angle.. he acts loving sometimes, and fills you with his light, yet he desires only evil.

Armas is different then other villains.. he isn’t motivated by greed or marital gain.. rather the more our heroes get to know him.. it seems his true objective is evil itself. Armas enjoys physical combat. He is a warrior God. He sometimes appears with four arms, and wields four long swords of blazing white light or fire. He summons blue and white lightning. He is almost seven feet tall.. ageless. with long white hair and blue eyes.. he is muscular.. and also enjoys fighting with his fists.


Armas also enjoys creating complex insidious schemes. He enjoys playing games with people that become very psychological. He likes to hurt people yet make them think they did it to themselves. And his brutish love of combat can be a way of masking his insidious genius. Armas is proud and arrogant.. he is boastful.. yet his keeps winning and winning. When Armas inflicts damage on people.. it creates some kind of electrical feedback loop inside his body.. that makes him physically stronger. Armas is a freak.. his will to hate.. and his tolerance of pain, is so unreal.. he just keeps training, keeps becoming stronger and stronger, over countless eras of time. He is older then anyone can know, older then the mortal world. No one knows who Armas really is.. or what made him this way. And most people aren’t even aware that he exists at all. He is evil. And yet flowers bloom for him, the trees grow for him.. and the sun shines for him.. because he is God.

There is a secret behind Armas. It is called “the Nethertwine”, the Nethertwine is a highly complex antimatter mechanism, like a weapon, designed to harvest the energy of mass human suffering. it shouldn’t exist and yet it does, this thing.. like a giant weed, it is hidden.. yet there.. pumping dark energy, a hidden network that runs underneath Nirvana. Clutching the very heart of the tree of life. The Nethertwine, it feeds this energy to Armas himself, to make him physically indestructible. Very few people are even aware that he or the dark tendrils of the Nethertwine even exist..

Even Armas the all mighty gets bored sometimes.. and he finally decides to spend a little time just to ‘chill’ and get to know our heroes. They are a strange fun bunch, they are experienced, yet care free, and Armas feels drawn to them. The truth is, he doesn’t have many friends. He has servants, and victims, but not true friends.

Our heroes are Lyra, a confident girl who can’t stop going on adventures and pulling everyone she meets into her crazy misendeavors, Zeathean and intuitive artist guy, inventor of “party theory”, and Sivlith a mad obsessive disgruntled talented scientist who lived in hell (the demon world, the shattered world) for 1000 years. Among others. Zeathean and Lyra want nothing more then to tare Armas limb from limb.. but instead they must pal around with him and indulge in his strange games that start off friendly yet could turn sadistic at any moment. They are forced to spend as much time with him as he asks.. because he is just too powerful.. if he wanted .. he could destroy them all. As insane as he is.. as much as he deserves to die.. Armas’s strange choice to pal around and go on adventures with them gives them an opportunity to study him.. If ever there were a way to defeat him.. this is a chance to learn.. and it is buying them time. Being his friend keeps them alive. You can’t die of old age in Nirvana… yet your spirit body can be physically obliterated.. and there are many unpleasant realms of the Nirvana multiverse that Armas can banish you to.

Zeathean is a seemingly regular guy…. Yet he once fought Armas… however even Zeathean’s full dark power.. God level 3 ..the reward for his suffering on Earth… was not enough to defeat Armas. Now…. Zeathean is continually perplexed when warriors even more powerful then he is appear, and yet still, none of them can beat Armas. Yevallah the mad profit, who sought to avenge his starving village on Earth, Avon the mysterious stranger who had been condemned to live out his life with brain damage before returning to Nirvana, Valkishin the x-soul (a specific type of warrior who trains to become stronger over many life times) all of them had incredible powers.. all of them were defeated.

Armas has conquered both Heaven (Nirvana) and Earth (Melcrosis, aka Hell, aka the “Universe”)… and he is an evil older and darker then any other we have seen. Over countless generations only 502 warriors have arisen to challenge Armas in physical combat…. they were each said to be “chosen incarnations of God”, each of them was destined to destroy Armas, blessed with the sacred power of light.. and each of them was …. defeated. …..Through some strange glitch in reality.. Armas the enigma.. has outwitted us all… Our heroes Zeathean and Lyra are obsessed with uncovering the truth about Armas. Even Armas himself has confusion about who he actual is and what has made him this way. He says that he is God and always has been, yet there are suggestions that the truth is something much much stranger. There is nothing to suggest that Armas should exist, nothing to explain his power. he is an anomalie. It doesn’t make sense.

Armas actually enjoys battle and putting his on life on the line. In danger, he thrives. There may be no hope that Armas can ever be defeated. But there is something curious.. something strange.. that is revolving around an ordinary girl… a girl named Lyra. There is a prophecy… about Lyra… Lyra who plays with flowers and butterflies, Lyra who doesn’t like fighting at all. She may actually have the power to destroy Armas… She is connected to him, somehow. She has this power.. but she doesn’t know how to awaken it, how to control it. But all Lyra really wants to do with her time is to have fun. And everyone enjoys the way she makes them feel. How could someone so gentle as Lyra.. ever stand a chance against the brutal Angel Armas? Lyra isn’t just ordinary… she is goofy.. a weird, funny, silly girl who loves to have fun. Everyone loves her. But no one believes that she has anything to do with stopping Armas.


The prophecy about Lyra came from a few places and has a strange history to it.. There is a female sage named Nobanashi who are heroes eventually come upon. She is abnormally powerful and slightly insane. Lyra has this strange power.. but she doesn’t know how to awaken it. After our heroes failed time and time again.. Nobanashi is now the only one they can turn to for advice.. but there is a strange darkness behind her power..

Nirvana is the free world and it has no need for a God. Yet God is here all the same, in the form of Armas, and he is a control freak, who brings nothing but misery to Nirvana. Silvith the eccentric dark hared dark eyed scientist has gathered all the evidence and data.. and there is nothing in any plane or dimension of reality across all the vast reaches of Nirvana to point to or suggest the existence of such a God. Nirvana has no God. According to the data Armas should not exist. And yet he is here, in proud defiance of reality itself. He is a glitch. He defies the impossible.

However there are irregularities in Sivlith’s data.. such as there are abnormally large amounts of antimatter scattered across Nirvana.. this also has no explanation and should not exist by any reason. Given the amount of time and pressure it takes to create even a small amount of antimatter.. there seems to be some link between the two.. Armas and antimatter. However this reveals no key into defeating him. Nirvana is 5% antimatter.. which is large considering how dangerous the stuff is.. according to the data Nirvana should only be .01% antimatter. Every few trillion years the negative energy has a way of getting “flushed out” of Nirvana…  but these irregularities suggest that something has been preventing this… but it would still require amounts of time that seem impossible.

More about the setting:

In Nirvana people refer to Earth/the Universe by a different name… here they call it “Melcrosis” aka the “antimatter cloud”. Most people don’t go near it unless they want to or unless they are taken there against their will.. because once you get near Melcrosis it sucks you in like a magnet, it pulls you rapidly across light-years, it destroys your spirit body, and binds your very soul essence to a marital form, aka what on earth we call “birth”. ………When light enters the ultra dense antimatter cloud of Melcrosis it responds by spinning at ultra fast speeds to generate a type of centrifugal force… this creates an immense energy that protects the light against the dark matter/ anti-matter surrounding it, light  responds by becoming “light-matter” aka what we call “matter”. Every atom of your body contains an immense atomic energy, this energy is explosive, smaller and stronger then you can imagine. Aka “Strong Nuclear Force.” Yet the true purpose of this intense power is unknown..

The reason that energy is there.. is there to protect against something… something we don’t even realize is there. All the strange things about being alive… about being here on earth.. it all happens because the light matter we see and know… is responding to a hidden type of matter… something all around us.. Something we think we know, yet don’t know at all…… “dark-matter.” The truth of what dark matter really is… it is chaos. Reality turned inside out. A special type of matter Armas himself may have created long ago.. to become a cage for God. Dark matter, anti-matter, dark energy, different properties.. one substance. Chaos. Light.. inside out. There are many things in Nirvana.. yet light is the building block of all things, and there is only one thing that can stop the light, and that is dark-matter. Anti-light. Anti-God.

Were are all swimming in this massive sea of a foreign, unknown type of matter. We are only aware of it “theoretically,” we call it “dark-matter.” It us it is some “far away thing”, something that is “out in space.” To us dark matter is known only by the mysterious influence it has on pushing around large scale objects without seeming to exist. Our science only knows of dark-matter by the way if fills in inconsistencies in our laws of physics. We know it only through the influence it has on light matter around it. For how else, can you know the dark?

After arriving in Nirvana our heroes learn dark matter aka anti-matter is real.. and it is the most dangerous thing in Nirvana. In Nirvana, dark matter, anti matter, can be seen, with your own eyes. It can be seen from the outside, but not from the inside, not while you are inside the could, what we call being “alive” here on Earth. …….There is some connection between Anti-matter and Armas. His weapon, his soul harvesting machine, the Nethertwine, like our Universe, is also made of antimatter.

Antimatter is scary, because it is overwhelmingly dark.. but can also be completely invisible depending on your vantage point. As an “earth being” made of “earth matter” you can’t see antimatter at all, you only know it by its influence on light. The “speed of light” is actually a limitation caused by the light slowing down as it moves through the dark matter. The true speed of light is actually unlimited. In Nirvana there is no “cosmic speed limit”. There are limits but they are different depending on what plane of reality in Nirvana you are in. Antimatter can be seen in Nirvana… (however Armas’s machine the Nethertwine is so hyper dense that it exists on a dimension that is invisible to all beings of Nirvana.)

All the strange things about being on earth, the reason we eat food, our need to breath, are need to reproduce, the intense complexity of our very cells, our DNA, all of it.. is for one thing.. one purpose.. “survival” but what is it we are surviving against.. ourselves. each other? a predator. No… there is something else.. something more driving it all. Even in the basic nature of just being alive. They thing we are surviving against. It is fundamental to this reality. Even the very atoms of the universe, they exist for survival as well.. is it not usual.. cells made of molecules.. made of atoms, made of quantum quarks.. ? there is are so many layers. These layers were created.. so light matter could protect itself.. in the early stages of the big bang. Protect against what. Against the dark. The dark that is al around us. the reason people die. The reason the sun eventually burns out. IT is all thanks.. to the dark. We do all these strange things.. without giving it a second thought.. we find explanation, and believe what the group tells us, what is in the text books from the knowledge of previous generations, but something much stranger is going on.. something obvious that we over look. When you look past the atmosphere of earth, the clouds, what primitive people saw as “heaven”, you see that is is but a thin layer to hide us from the dark. And that we are just a rock in space. Existing in this vast chaos of the void. Majority of the universe is not light. Living things, “nature” makes up less then 1% of the universe. the vast majority of our world is not life, it is dark. Why is that?

Melcrosis, aka “the Universe” is not like other dimension of Nirvana. Because Melcrosis is 95% dark energy and dark matter… and this is not true of any other part of Nirvana. Only 5% of Nirvana is comprised of dark-matter. Our Universe is an overwhelming irregularity compared to the rest of the larger reality… which is why it is often referred to from the outside as the “Inverted World”. Maybe that should be the title of the series? People who travel there are called “earth trippers” or “travelers”.

To call Melcrosis a “simulation” would not do it justice. TO call it “holographic” is close. the sun is like a projector.. projecting love and light onto us.. like a higher power.. This world, this “Earth” is floating in.. surrounded by, the dark, and yet there is something else here. something divine. Something that keeps us coming back for more. Like a flie to a lamp. This divine thing is real, it is magical. It is there in the quantum foam. it follows no rules. Entanglement. Micro-teleporatoins of electrons around the neuculeious . Things that don’t happen on the larger scale.. yet are apart of the nature of light life and Nirvana. And yet the dark matter here is always splitting it… eating away at it, limiting light, and it’s true free nature. So here on the larger scale, things follow rules and behaviors, I can only jump so high, i can only walk so far, yet this creates the illusion that this is “all there is” to life, and that this is all there ever was. There is something else here.. something magical, something that makes life worth living, and yet, it is just a feeling.

We know there are things we must to do stay alive.. to make a living. And this can be overwhelming… and make us think that we are not free. and yet.. we are free. We are made out of the same light that is existing in Nirvana. the same magic soul essence. But we are up against a challenge like no other. The interaction between light and antimatter causes light matter to behave in ways that can predict, and this is what we call “science” or “physics”, it takes our freedoms at times, these rules that life follows, yet light is not limited to these behaviors, and these behaviors off matter we see say more about the dark then they do about the light.

I wish Melcrosis was a simulation.. but it is far too real to be that. The pain can make you numb, but whatever your choose, there are real stakes, to your soul, and the souls of others. Anti-matter is impermanent. Eventually it caves in to its own pressure and flips back into the light energy or light matter it once was. However this takes a very long time. You could argue that “time” itself is the weakness of antimatter. Antimatter is on a clock. Because of this you could call the universe the “divine illusion”. It is the only reality we know. Yet it is not Nirvana.. the true reality.

There was a time when everyone believed the earth was flat. This was simply accepted as truth. Until it wasn’t. There was a time when everyone believed the Earth was the center of the solar system.. until Galileo came along with his telescope. they called him crazy, they all did. But eventually we learned that earth was not the center of the solar system, it wasn’t the center of the universe, or of the galaxy.    And now there is another question no one thought to ask.. Is our Universe at the center of “reality”. Or maybe.. what if our universe.. is specifically existing off-center.. from the rest of reality.

What if there is a center.. and that center is not here, but in Nirvana. Scientists have considered the existence of a parallel dimension… to explain the inconsistencies in our laws of physics.. the reason why gravity is weaker then it should be, things that don’t make sense, Einstein’s inability to find a “unified theory” that could explain the laws of the big, the cosmic, and the laws of the quantum, the small. What if were are looking for this theory in the wrong place, we look for the answer here, inside this place we call “the Universe”. If we consider a parallel dimension.. not many.. but just one.. one other, that is very different to our own. Maybe things would make a little more sense. This other reality, the true reality, Nirvana. not the “after-life’.. as we call it.. but simply “life”.

The reason we can’t see antimatter is because seeing it would render us blind. there is so much of it around us. It would not benefit our survival to see it. It would become like a blindfold to daily life. It is also possible that because we are made of light, we can only see and perceive other things and people that are made of light, we can’t see the dark, because we are not built to see it. Or perhaps we can’t see the dark because it is the dark, because there simply is nothing to see. The actual amount of energy in space is very small.. we are made of atoms and majority of the atom is empty space, protons neutrons electrons, only make up a very small part of the atom. everything else, empty space, yet it turns out this empty space isn’t empty, it is actually dark, full of dark matter and dark energy.

This ‘dark’ is not as natural as we think. And it has an effect on the light matter we interact with in the universe. This dark is everywhere. Yet we can’t see it because it doesn’t benefit us to see it, it would render us blind. We can only see the light because the light benefits our survival, it is our survival. Majority of space is not made of light, yet light is all we see, unless we are actually in outer-space where the darkness is literally overwhelming. Even in broad daylight, everything appears to be solid, everything appears to radiate light, and it does, but this light makes up less then 5% of the space around us. Everything we think and do is because on a reality that is only 5% of the actual reality we are in. It can help to be aware of the other 95% but at the end of the day being aware of it doesn’t benefit us that much. It’s only 5% but that is our food, our sustenance, our survival, and that’s why we have to focus on it and live for it. Yet being aware of the dark, and it’s nature, can help us to protect against it. To know that loneliness and boredom (which aren’t always considered that serious) can be lethal. That it is important to enjoy your life. to get out and have fun.

Worrying becomes a cycle because the hidden dark matter will feed off your worries. so that is why people seem to awaken this deep joy when they simply make a “choice” not to worry about things that seem worrisome. the darkness will feed of anything negative, so we make a choice not to feed it. And that is the less, that is the positive spin we put on this. The darkness is here, but we are the light, not the dark. And the darkness is invisible, it can hurt you, even if no one notices it does, so that is why it is important to take care of yourself.. and know when you are hurting, and not ignore your feelings and instincts simply based on what the majority tells you is so. You feelings inform you about the energy, the light and the dark. The energy is difficult to measure, difficult to see.

In modern society we tend to see feelings as whimsical, something you have to ignore to get the job done, “don’t get emotional”, but the feelings are the only thing that can clue us in to these invisible energies.. the matter of life is what we see and know,… but it is energy that defines our joy and success.. and mater quickly “feels hollow” when we live life just based on what we see and know, and not what we feel. The feelings aren’t just chemicals in your brain. they are electric and magnetic pulses in the organ of your heart, they have voltage, there is a field. Even Tesla believed in this. Modern understanding is overly material. We end up treating symptoms instead of causes. So much of life is about the energy.. yet energy is hard to understated.. and often fear is what drives us to understand, to know, it has to be felt, before it can be ‘known’.

If dark matter is all around us, how come we don’t see it, how come we never suspected it was even there? That is because all kinds of things that happen, behaviors of energy and matter, that we consider ordinary, are actually being influenced by dark matter. Dark matter, it is what causes things to decay over time, it is what causes organic substances to turn into toxic and the unnatural. If not for the dark matter, we would live forever. It isn’t “time” tiself that causes death and decay. but rather the byproduct of the dark matter eating away at the light. Antimatter has a time limit. And it is slowly degrading, over billions of years, closing in on us like this fist, it squeezes the light out from inside it. it is enclosing us. We are not “born” we just pass in through the wall of darkness, we don’t “die” we just slip back “out” through that same wall. Energy belongs to Nirvana, it begins and ends there, it is renewed in Nirvana. the energy of your body is trying to get back there, to the source. It doesn’t belong here, in the dark. That is the real reason why we die. There is little evidence on Earth, that Nirvana even exists.. all we can see is what is in front of us, yet it is the absence of something important that points to it’s existence. The lack of a unified theory. Things that happen yet lack explanation. (And to believe in the afterlife has brought something good back into my life, that was not there before, before when i believed only in what i could see, what was in front of me, back when i ‘felt things’ but didn’t truly embrace the strange meaning of those feelings, and still clunk to hard facts, hard science for the ultimate truth. Things in my life had been dark, and when i came to believe in the afterlife, suddenly it became better. Suddenly, everything had a purpose, a reason, i didn’t have to depend on material validation, it didn’t matter if people knew my efforts, my trials, and successes, or if they didn’t, if i was someone, or if i was no one, because in Nirvana it would all be reward, not through some god handing me material gifts or 50 virgins, but through my soul itself, in Nirvana.. my soul would be free, to feel everything and to have everything that that had been taken, the love. If began with a feeling of “there has to be something better then this” but since then.. the theory has come a long way, it has provided explanations i didn’t expect it to, and believing makes me happier.)

In Nirvana you are free to pressure whatever you desire. However this isn’t true just for the good people, this also mean people with dark intentions they were unable to fulfill on earth are now free to lust after their evil ambitions to the fullest. this doesn’t mean they won’t be met with justice. but here in lies our story. Armas is not the only villain. he is just the most powerful. yet he is so powerful that no one can even fight him. So instead our heroes indulge Armas’s offer of friendship.. and they go on to conquer powerful foes together as a team.. Armas is board.. he needs entertainment. All the why.. their true opponent… Armas… is the one right before them.. the person they talk with and laugh with right here in close proximity. One day they will find a way to beat him. In Nirvana a man like Armas, who feeds of his own pain and the pain of others, who actually enjoys suffering, he is free to act on his will to suffer without having to worry about damage to his physical body. On earth this would not be possible.

It is possible that Armas created Earth, Melcrosis, as a training ground to create stronger warriors.. so that finally he would have a true clanger.

There is a another hidden villain in the story. This villain is Melcrosis itself. Or rather… a cycle that exists between Nirvana and Melcrosis. Those who return to Nirvana after a trip to Earth are not the same as the where when they left. This much is clear to the regular people of Nirvana. A deep transformation occurs. Nirvana has everything you can ever dream of. However there is something, something intense amazing and powerful, that cannot be found in Nirvana.. that can only be found on Earth. No one would have believed it… but when the Melcrosis survives, the earth trippers, return from their journey, it is clear that they are changed, you see it in their eyes. It is what we call “true love”.

Those who return from Earth, have a new capacity to feel. They feel emotions 10 to 100 times more powerful then they did before they left. Upon return to the haven of Nirvana, the layer of mater, and the layer of antimatter are both stripped away from your spirit, and your true spirit body regrows around you. A body of continuous light. All that matter numbed and clogged your ability to feel. Now here in Nirvana you can feel everything… Everything you used to feel.. but also something new.. You feel everything that happened to you on earth. It is dark. but all that pressure… and the pain of the trials on earth, forced the soul to become stronger. The soul responds to the dark by becoming stronger. The entire time on earth, even when your body takes damage and gets old and weak, your soul just keeps getting stronger.

And it’s not just that you feel more, the soul itself becomes ultra dense… like a weapon. Like a God. And this begins to hint at the explanation for Armas’s power. Many have returned from Melcrosis with God powers. Yet Armas trounces even these people. Sivlith has not given up.. he is a scientist.. and he knows there is an explanation for everything. If ever there was a hope.. it lies with the Melcrosis survivors, the people like Zeathean Lyra and himself…

Even if they could actually win, beat Armas, and have all they dream of in life… There is still this.. This what Zeathean and Lyra fear.. this cycle between Melcrosis and Nirvana. The pain changes you, makes you want more. Will it ever end? Zeathean and Lyra… everything they do is driven by the love that is between them.. and yet.. they are aware.. that this love came from the trials of Earth.. the place they hate the most. And that eventually these feelings will fade.. weather it takes 100 years… or 1000.. the feelings of love wear off… and eventually they will be driven, to return… to willingly seek out the thing they hate the most.. Melcrosis. a life inside the void of chaos. Anything… so that they can feel that feeling again.

They will be driven back.. to seek out their own demise.. something so disgusting. And how does that make them any different from Armas? Even if they one day find a way to defeat Armas.. how can they defeat Melcrosis.. how can they defeat themselves? They want a free world. They don’t want to suffer forever. Armas manipulates traumatized people. Suffering is dangerous. In Nirvana suffering actually makes you stronger.. the soul responds by becoming stronger.. as long as love is driving you to some extent. Without it you lose the will to fight. But it also makes you insane.

Originally Armas created Melcrosis to hurt people. But because it give people stronger emotions… “true love” people actually came to enjoy it. How sadistic are we? Now billions of people were willingly traveling to earth every generation. All thanks to his evil experiment gone even more wrong. Will the cycle ever end? If people desire the aftereffect of the experience they have on Earth… they will keep returning.. to feel it again.. experience what can only be found on Earth. When you return to Nirvana after Earth.. it is like love for the first time. Everything is rewarded.. everything is forgiven.

Yet our heroes still have a job to do. There souls may be broken.. compelled to seek out pain for the enhanced feeling of love it brings them. And yet.. they still have a choice to stop things from getting worse. Armas always craves more power. And he is not done punishing. The trials of earth gave them this “true love” but should they simply lie back and allow Armas to abuse them? Armas has the power to take it all away.

They will one day have to choose.. resist the cycle to return to Melcrosis… or give in. But maybe there is something else.. a “third way” as they begin to call it. A way to give people the freedom to chose what they want. A world free from the control of Armas. The situation is dark, there souls have taken damage they cannot repair, even in Nirvana, even here, the damage remains, because it is so profound, so addictive, even after it is healed, you are compelled.. to seek it out again.. to feel that again.. that “true love”.. They are forever changed by their time on Earth. yet they have a choice, to take action, to prevent things from getting darker. To choose what they want and not let it happen to them. They way things are going now.. things could get darker.. they won’t just be living with scars.. if the punishment continues.. Zeathean or Lyra.. could become the next Armas.

What is Armas? Someone who is truly broken. Someone who lives for evil, hate and revenge. Someone who has no shame about inflicting damage on self and others, just to get high. Here in Nirvana.. where there are no physical limits on what you can do, on what you can become. Armas gets high.. High on the intensity of that raw conflict, the pressure and power that exists in the battle between light and dark. Armas is not the dark, or the light, he is the conflict between them.

3 strange nightmares

I had some really strange nightmares the other night. There were 3 different ones.


the Entrepreneur

I was in the bathroom of my childhood home.. My friends tried to get my attention.. it was really distracting .. I was mad they interrupted me and didn’t speak to them for a long time.   A few days after that event I met this entrepreneur guy.. he was helping me do all these crazy bold things in the world to get more successful.. I was amazed by it all. Only after a while I realized I couldn’t tell if he put any value on things like “feelings” or “vibes” or friendship or me as a person .. We were water-skiing down this wild river then we both hit rocks and got injured. It’s possible that his injuries were worse then mine.. (which could imply that part of me had to die for the other part to move on.. i was injured because i got pulled in with him and his reckless ideas) And all the contacts were deleted off my phone.


the Advertisement

In the second dream i was watching this add on TV in one of my groups here at this kids camp I work at that is also a work training program among other things.

The add on TV was for a brand of matches. I saw two different matches being compared. And this guy was explaining how effective they were. The ad said something like “this is Tony.. he died of cancer.. but this is how he wants to be remembered.” And then the guy Tony, an older experienced kind of tough looking guy with silver hair (hard to explain, he had a distinct look, he had a kind of style or charisma about him), He lights a match .. he gets into the tent and the whole tent goes on fire. and tony says “these matches are reliable. for people who want to go with dignity.” then we went around the group and this guy here who’s name is “star” asked how we felt about the add. This is really funny if you think about it when you consider the place i work at and how “happy go lucky” it usually is. and this guy named Star. they were never be showing an ad like this. It is probably illegal to have an ad promoting suicide .. I’ve never even thought about that, but I’m sure it is. We go around the room and people are like “it is interesting” or “good” or “I think the matches were marketable”. No one was saying the obvious so i was like … “well it is very… controversial. Are they allowed to have adds like that on TV”. While i said this i was drinking a cherry vanilla flavored soda.. and i felt that the soda helped me to better articulate my thoughts about what was on the TV.

(It’s strange to think about death.. being something like a “TV” advertisement)

It’s interesting about the soda.. because recently is has been hard to go out and buy things i enjoy.. I also can’t “stock up” on things because i don’t make a lot of money.. having less to snack on makes it harder for me to find a “positive distraction” from dark unresolved contemplations or events in my present and past that come up now and then. So it feels like I can’t “see things clearly” because there isn’t enough “substantial” positive ‘stuff’ in life. Just me in a room killing time until i can go shopping again. We are all afraid to leave because of the current virus pandemic. In the dream it felt important to talk about this TV advertisement, and have an honest open discussion about it.. but many people in the room weren’t paying attention.. yet a sip of that ‘natural sugar’ soda i buy at “whole foods” seemed to clear my mind for long enough to think. It felt important that i contemplated this… yet not be consumed by it.


the Hackers Identity

The last dream was even more crazy.. In the dream there was this important “hacker” or criminal ‘revolutionary’ person.. he had called a meeting to his most trusted inner circle.. in the meeting he would finally reveal his true identity, which was known to no one. … people had all arrived … they waited around for an hour … then found out they all were going to be killed!   It turned out the hacker didn’t trust anyone and this had been a test.. because those he really trusted were supposed to know that he would never reveal his identity.

there were two girls and i saw it from there point of view.. one knew not to attend the meeting.. and the other did attend .. but only because she was zoning out a little and she had felt suspicious about the meeting.. and now she was mad that she was going to be killed over this.. and she said something like “you have no idea who i am” there was something the hacker didn’t know about her identity and now she was going to try and defeat him.


The second two dreams feel dark and I’m not sure what to do about them. But believe it or not the first dream actually gives me hope because it implies that i have put faith in the “wrong people”. Because that implies there is something i could change to impove the situation. In the dream.. I was mad at my friend over something that was really just temporary. They were trying to get a hold of me at a bad time.. but maybe i could forgive them. And it’s interesting that in the second part of that first dream the entrepreneur had me doing something that lead ‘specially’ to all the contacts being lost from my phone… aka my friends. Actually the previous day, in reality i had been getting the phone numbers of new friends, but they may have just been ‘work relationships’ and not true friends so it was not a true victory. The dream it implied i had deleted my old friends or my contact with them, which was accurate.

The third dream is a very interesting kind of metaphor for something that happen a few years ago in my life. This time where i felt unsure about my “identity” in life.. and I was hit with a difficult situation where i felt that i didn’t make the right choice because i was distracted.. not totally centered in myself.. so i caved into the pressure of others just to appease them and make the additional the stress they were creating go away.

….The two girls in the dream where in contact with each other by cell phone.. but they had each made different choices. One attended the meeting but felt suspicious about it. the other made the right choice to simply not attend, but she was more of a ‘background’ character. It reminds me of myself… ‘I’ was much like the girl who ‘had’ attended the meeting.. and the other girl was the me I ‘could have’ been… who made the right choice not to get ‘suckered in’ by some kind of group pressure.

I knew i was capable of making the right choice.. even back then.. but this confusion about my “identity” in the world.. had caused me to do all kinds of reckless things back then… and i never realized i might later regret those things. Back then life was all about how “fearless” i could be, to help me get in touch with my true self. That seemed to effect how i made choices. I didn’t make choices thinking about my “physical health” in great detail. I was “spiritual” i had “transcend” the physical… back then. I ended up getting this major dental operation that i knew i didn’t need just so my family would stop worrying about it, to prove to them that i was afraid of nothing. I didn’t do it for myself. And that was hard to accept. Looking back it seemed so random and not helpful to my quest.

The thing about the last dream is that the “hacker” reminds me about how i feel about “God”…. Like if i switch the word “hacker” with God… “God” was going to reveal his “identity”…. if i went face to face with this scary thing… the dental operation my family was pressuring me into… If i got past this … i would once again have time to finish my spiritual quest.. with the distractions of a worrying mother. And maybe facing this fear would even help me. The world would see that I was afraid of nothing. I would then be put in touch with my “destiny” aka the hacker from the dream, what you might even call God… yet it was only to find out that i had been suckered in… to some scheme that had nothing to do with anything.

Now i had this major operation done that added nothing to my life.. that i would always regret… and the best parts of me would be found only after learning to let go of the feeling that created in me… Like the hacker.. God reveals his identity to no one… This all happened at a time when i had been unsure about my “identity” yet my identity had never been lost. I was struggling with external challenges.. and my identity got confused in them.

There are two important people in the dream. the hacker.. and the girl. the girl says “you have no idea who i am”. because she is angry. yet this is also a statement about identity. they got into a trap because they desired to know the identity of the famous hacker.. to have this honor of becoming closer to the enigma of his success. but maybe this isn’t the end of the girls story. towards the end of the dream the girl began shape shifting into other people. Maybe she is limiting herself by trying to be a “hacker”. Maybe she is something else entirely.


Star Wars Next Trilogy (Ideas)

I have emerged from my basement. I bringith forth treatments for the next few star wars movies set to come out in 2022.

Disney has agreed to purchase my treatments, but says they are under no obligation to use them or any of my ideas. however there is an implication that we are ‘friends’ and that by purchasing them that well you know we are “on good terms”, like “we cool” so they probably will use them, but later when they don’t I will feel betrayed.

Episode 10 — Star Waz — The Dorks Awaken

the Last Skywalker Adfassdfdawakens copy.jpg

Also known as — the Last Skywalker Awakens (working title)

also known as — the Last Gungan, Jar Jar Awakens

(JJ and I are talking about making the logo rainbow and to have a gay pride them with the whole movie.)


— filler episode —

I will buy time as much as possible. This episode is a “Story for another time” as (Maz Kanata would say.)  I’ve spoken to JJ and he admits we are a bit low on ideas but he thinks we can slide by on this one and play it safe rehashing some old themes. There will be puppets.

Lots of important action needs to happen. The next director can figure out the story details later in the next movie. That is for Ryan Jonson to do, the fans will like whatever he comes up with.

Episode 11 — The Rise of Jar Jar Binks


(Jar Jar, Rule of Two)

(Co directed by Zwackery Zweevel (my discrete pen name) and Ryan Johson)

At the start of the movie Snoke returns. He had many clone bodies, he was embarrassed about being palpatine’s puppet, that is why he was created (as was obvious all along if you were really paying attention) but over time he grew his own consciousness and personality that was apart from palpatine’s control.

Our heroes and other villain characters have gathered for a big showdown with Snoke.

“It was I who allowed Palpatine to be resurrected. It was I who ….” idk. Snoke


“I see all endings and possibilities!” Snokes voice booms. “I see the very thoughts in your mind! I cannot be betrayed!!” he is pretty epic.

Snoke address everyone in the room. People are afraid.

Snoke hears the thoughts of people in the room. They are wondering about his true identity. Many excited onlookers wonder who Snoke is. …Is he Mace Windo?? That seems most likely….

It is very annoying, Snoke is telepathic and hears all the thoughts.. It is annoying.
“I’m just Snoke!!” He booms.


“Not yet.” Mace Windu arrives.

Mace_Windu copy.jpg

“A jedi can survive a fall from a great hight.” He says. He is horribly disfigured from his electrocution and fall and severed hand during revenge of the Sith. Windu’s face is covered in electrocution burns. (Lucus decided it was ok that Windu ‘may have survived’ so wala!) He draws his purple lightsabor.

Snoke hits him with a massive surge of force lighting … he goes flying out the window / windu, and meets the same fate.

Many people are shocked. Shocked because this debunks the Windu is Snoke theory many were sure about. But none are as Shocked as Windu!! (eletra shocked)

“Maybe he is Darth Plaguies!!” Someone shouts. “… Maybe he is King Joffrey” Another cries. Everyone is trying to guess at the true identity of Snoke.

“That’s it!! I’m just friggin Snoke!!!”


Then Jar Jar appears and stabs him.


Ohhh that hurts. Snoke is killed immediately.


Jar Jar takes the throne.

“Mesa been waiting a long time for this.”

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Rey Skywalker Palpatine confronts Jar Jar.

“Mesa smiling to see you!” Jar Jar says.

“I killed Sidious!” Rey shouts.

Jar Jar smirks. “Mesa CREATED Sidious!!” The big reveal we have all waited for. Expectations fully subverted.

maxsdfafdJar Jarresdefault (5).jpg

“So it was him all along… pulling the strings… it was Jar Jar” Rey Skywalker Palpatine says. The truth is finally understood. Leia and Kathleen Kennedy both understood the truth that all along Sidious had been pulling the strings, but now Rey understood the truth truth that all all along Jar Jar had been behind Sidious as well!

Jar Jar reveals that his true source of power is the “Toxic Fandom”


“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hatred of the Prequels. Leads to the dark side!” Jar Jar hisses.

When all the fans hate Jar Jar, Jar Jar — feeds — on their hate, growing stronger with the dark side. Aka the ‘Dork Side’.

(This may end up being a very ‘controversial’ movie. A truly brilliant masterwork that ‘subverts expectations’ to the fullest.)

Rey is afraid. Jar Jar is way too powerful!!


That is when Luke Skywalker’s force ghost appears to help Rey.

Rey tosses him a lightsaber.

Luke grabs it.


then he tosses it over his shoulder.

“Nahh!” is all he says.

….I think Luke has had enough with this whole thing. Then he just fades out.

Luke was kinda depressed because his favorite TV show “Holiday Special” (it centers around Wookies and Jawas I think) was canceled. So he had a crisis of faith, became a hermit. “It is time for the Jedi to end. I came her to die.” he says later in the movie. I suppose he is a ghost now anyway though…

Flashback to 10 years ago………

It turns out George Lucas wrote treatments for episodes 10 to 12 and they were actually quite detailed. True brilliant masterworks. Undiscovered, unnoticed.

Lucas was mad Disney rejected them. He put them in a clear plastic box and cast them into the river.

Things that should not have been forgotten were lost. Years later the most unlikely creature found them at the bottom of the river while he was diving… a Snoke.

Snoke opened the treatments… he read Lucas’s masterworks and saw they were truly brilliant, it brought Snoke to tears.


For years Snoke stayed in his cave pouring over Lucas glorious star wars treatments, they painted a picture of an alternate timeline where everything was just much more interesting, even though Snoke himself wasn’t even in this story, he loved them anyway. “My precious” he said.


That was when hard core lucas fans appeared and attacked Snoke and took the treatments.

This was the event that broke Snoke and turned him to the dark side.

“They took MY PRECIOUS!!!!!”



Now years later Jar Jar is a shadow over the galaxy. Rey follows the clues, the trail of  Lucas’s inigmatic lost Star Wars ‘Sequel Sequel’ treatments. Finally she finds them.

…The story must continue, and Lucas is all they have left now. Disney failed, and Darth Jar Jar just became even more powerful.

A group of hard core fans have Lucas’s treatments.

Rey has to convince them to hand them over.

“the cannon timeline is ruined” the fans insist  “the EU is all we have left now”

Rey tries to convince them there is still hope for the canon timeline, and that Georges treatments could save them all. But they will have to give her the treatments.

They insist they cannot, the treatments are too precious. “My precious” they say. They can risk giving them to anyone, they are kept in a vault.

“You must believe!” Rey says. “Dreams are built on hope.”

“We can’t. We just aren’t… that invested in your character. We don’t know your weaknesses, we don’t care about your backstory, what is your personality?” The toxic fandom fans say..

“This is my weakness.” Ray says “I don’t give a shit.”

Rey channels her full power to push the dorks aside and break in to the vault. The power of her long lost first ancestor she has been reincarnated from, Mary Rey Sue, the first Jedi, the first avatar, the last air bender….AND her immense power from her Palpatine bloodline. She breaks in and gets the treatments and force pushes all the nerds away. Truly insidious.

She takes the treatments to Jar Jar.

Jar Jar is full of rage, but when he reads over lucas’s treatments he burst into tears…

“That is all mesa wanted!!!” it turns out he isn’t even in the sequel sequel treatments (or the sequel treatments) but it doesn’t matter. Because george’s script is glorious.

That is when George Lucas appears,

…..his midichlorians… are amazing,

you can just see it in his hair.

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“Disney may have went too far in a few places.” Lucas grins.

Lucas will save this falling trilogy with a last minute script amendment.

“What a twist!” JJ Abrams remarks, full of excitement and he watches from the sidelines. “This part was even better in the episode 11 novelization!”


Jar Jar looks at the ground…. Mesa so filled with hate… but finally everything he wanted had come true…. He never actually thought this would come to pass.

“The truth is…. Mesa too filled with rage. Mesa never expected mesa dream to happen. Mesa can’t let go of the dark side!!!” Jar Jar continues attacking people. The hatred has gone on too long. Even this act of kindness can’t reverse all the hate that has happened. He is of the dark side now. Jar Jar is unhindged. He begins letting out goofy Jar Jar noises and shooting people dead at random with force lightning.

Lucas gaters teh force around him. He is powerful. “Jar Jar…. you were the key to all this!! You were supposed to be a funnier character than we’ve ever had….. Not leave star wars in darkness!!!!”

Then another person… a secret Jedi…. Steps out to protect jar jar.

It is Kathleen Kennedy.

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She ignites a blue light saber. It is luke’s original light saber. Only it isn’t. She just thinks it is because she wasn’t really paying attention. That is not that essential though anyway. That’s a story for another time.

Lucas “Kathleen… you were my friend.” Lucas speaks in that funny mubely way he does sometimes, which makes the moment a bit humorous when everything else about it is serious. “You were supposed to be my woman on the inside. You were supposed to filter my ideas into Disney. Not join them!! You were there specifically to keep my ideas in the game. Not leave them in darkness!!!”

“Um….” Kathleen says… she forgot her lies. She looks at JJ Abrams who stands off to the side.

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“Don’t look at me!” He laughs nervously.

“The force is female!!!!” Kathleen cries.

Kathleen and Lucas spar. It is intense and epic. Way more epic than anything we have seen thus far. Lucas has the unparalleled power of a glorious lone wolf director. Kathleen has the financial backing of the Disney corporation behind her. They were once friends… not bitter rivals. It is not a fun battle.

Lucas uses the force. Kathleen uses the force. Kathleen brings down a heavy metal beam to crush Lucas, Lucas grabs it with the force and pushes it aside. Kathleen looks pissed and a bit afraid or surprised.

The rivalry between Kathleen and Lucas is more bitter than between Lucas and Disney, because Kathleen was supposed to be Lucas’s friend, the betrayal is stronger. Lucas sold star wars to white slavers… but she was supposed to be his person on the inside. It turned out that both she and Bob Igar had been working for the Sith.

Lucas throws Kathleen Kennedy out the window. She is floating in space.

“It is done.” Lucas says “Kill the past. Let it die if you have to.” he ignites an extremely cumbersome additional two mini saber blades on the hilt of his saber (like Kylo Ren). “Owoch!!” it burns his hand and he drops it. “Damn this is impractical. Who would design a saber like this!!” It is frustrating, the star wars universe is not the way he left it.

The camera pans over to JJ Abrams.

Abrams avoids eye contact. “Real sets! Real puppets!!” He says.

Kathleen is floating in space. We zoom in on her freezing body. Kathleen unlocks the ‘Marry Poppins’ force ability and flies back in. She is a level 62 force user.

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They are fighting again.

“What do the sequels have. No new words, new stores, new technologies… nothing. Just copies of the originals. They are safe movies. Not good movies.” Lucas says.

“WE didn’t know what to do!! We created a movie FOR THE FANS!!” Katleen says “What do you expect of me George!” She is a wreck. She knows she is getting let go.

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“They wanted strong females. Strong females! This isn’t like harry potter!! We had no SOURCE MATERIAL! There are no comics. There are no star wars books!!”

“You have the expanded universe!!” Lucas says. “Hundreds of expanded universe novels.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS” Kathleen cries. “I don’t speak dork!!!!”

“We will see what the senate has to say about that!!” George says to Kathleen.

“I am the Senate!!!” Kathleen hisses.

“Not yet!!” Mace window says again. He is climbing back in through the window. (windu). He is even more disfigured then he was before. “A jedi can survive a fall from a great height.” He says again. Drawing his purple saber.


Kathleen hisses and hits mace with an intense blast of force lighting.


This time mace Windu uses ‘vapad’ his ‘force anger’ technique to absorb some of the lightning. Mace Windu has almost zero plot armor protecting him. He probably will die according to the direction of the script…… Mace has a 99.66% chance of going out that window again. … yet there is something cold and steely and epic about his gaze… it is chilling… his badass stare might just win the day.

Jar Jar attacks Windu from the other side. Windu whirls around. It is an epic dual.

Kathleen hits Windu with force lightning again. This time he is too preoccupied with Jar Jar. The lighting lifts him up into the air and sweeps him out the window (windu) again. He falls to his hypothetically implied death.

(He might survive though. A jedi can survive a fall from a great height.)

Katleen has occupied Lucas, Jar Jar is dangerous and free to kill….

Anikins force ghost appears to fight Jar Jar while Lucas fights Kathleen. Ankin the chosen one gets his redemption moment. George is writing the script now so we are allowed to have good scenes.


Jar Jar is taking damage now. He is at half power. He is down to only one Jar.

“Goodbye old friend.” Anakin says to Jar Jar. He is conflicted about this, Jar Jar is an old friend. It is bittersweet.

“Mesa smilin too–” jar Jar starts to say through tears…

Then Anakin chops off Jar Jars head in a vicious brutal manner.

“I killed them. I killed them all. They are like animals. So I slaughtered them like animals!” Anakin says.

“Take a seat young Skywalker” Mace Windus force ghost says.

Anakins ghost fades away.

“It’s over Kathleen. I have the high ground.” Lucas says.

“You underestimate women’s empowerment.” Kathleen hisses.

Kathleen spirals through the air in a Sith like motion.

Lucas cuts off all her limbs in a single motion.

“I Hate you!!!!!” Kathleen hisses.

“We may have gone too far in a few places.” Lucas says with some remorse as Kathleen catches fire, it is brutal.

“Well guys” Lucas addresses all the actors and writers and effects artists in the room. (dead Snoke and dead Jar Jar are still there too.) “Lets get cracking.” His use of langue is comically anticlimactic considering we are about to get a new Lucas made script for EPISODE 12.

“Not yet!” Bob Iger from Disney steps in.

“What is it Bob?” George says.

“You’ve had your chance. the fans weren’t happy whit the Prequels. JJ is still here. Disney wants to stick with him on the next trilogy… and maybe the Wiess brothers.”

JJ laughs nervously in the background.

“Not this old hubbub rubbish again.” George sighs. “JJ had his shot too.”

“A fair point. How about this. You have to write the epised with JJ’s help. But if you and JJ fight to the death, and you win, then you can write it without his supervision.

JJ laughs nervously again.

“Alrighty!!” Lucas says. He ignites his green saber.

JJ ignites a blue saber. then he drops it.

“Actually i don’t know how to use this.” He laughs.

Then an army of Snoke clones burst out of the back room.

“They are a hive mind.” JJ grins. “They all work for me!!!!”

Lucas has to fight all the Snoke clones at once.

“I’m getting ideas all ready!!” JJ says. “Lets call this star wars Episode 12, Attack of the Clones!!”

“Damn it JJ, that’s Episode II!” Lucas says.

“Attack of the Snoke Clones!!” JJ Says.

“This isn’t a Snoke!! Stop Snoking around” Lucas says.

“Be careful not to Snoke on your aspirations!” JJ says. Capturing Lucas in a force choke temporarily. JJ looks sadistic as he chokes Lucas. Lucas summons even more medichlorians and breaks free. His power is so immense. His hair is so amazing.

The Snoke clones all uses force lighting on Lucas. It is an electrical nightmare. Windu would not be pleased. But Lucas has an amazing Yoda like ability, he uses a green force energy to absorb all the lightning.

Lucas defeats all the clones.

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JJ laughs again, then in a loud rattling blast of chaotic noise and dark energy JJ transforms into the smoke monster from lost and flies away in a creepy snake like motion, slithering out the window (windu).

A polar bear watches in the distance. As if he is contemplating weather to come forward.

“Hello there” Lucas says.. “You there, you have something to say don’t you?”

The polar bear, cautiously comes forward…

“I know what is going on here.” He says. “It will all make sense in season 6. But you have to watch the next six seasons.” then he fades away.

Lucas feels really confused… and mostly lost. JJ is a master of suspense.

the polar bear fades back in for a moment. “By the way, i have a new gig on his Dark Materials. Great show. I highly recommend it.” then he fades away again.

“Well guys….” “it’s time to…” Lucas pauses… looking over his shoulder… he is starting to feel paranoid that someone else will interrupt him again… “lets get cracking!” There. He said it. No one interrupted.

“Not … ….. YET!”

Someone enters the room. (we are still in Snokes throne room… but it is also like a movie set kind of)

A big shadowy figure…

The figure… is a very large man… obese even … on an electric wheelchair.


It is Plinkett. The angry star wars Prequel critic.

…Behind him is an army of angry star wars fans… Lucas and Anakin defeated Jar Jar… and JJ.. but they were only manifestations … of the true crisis …… now Lucas will have to face the toxic fandom itself. the fandom menace…

“No one hates star wars more then star wars fans.” Yoda once said.

All of them, the fans, are protected by heavy layers of plot armor. The truth is… this is what George had been most afraid of . Plinkett totally destroyed and roasted his Star Wars Prequels in the Plinkett Critiques. George was hoping Plinkett would not show up here on this day. He was hoping that maybe the arthritis had gotten to him by now. But now… he’s still alive and kicking.

“What is a Pilnkeet?” A spectator in the background asks. Not everyone knows who Plinkett is, ti’s very confusing.

“A Plinkett is a tool you use to dismantle star wars movies.” anther replies.

“You destroyed our childhoods…!! Don’t think we can forgive you yet!” Plinkett says. “you ravaged our dreams. Now we will destroy you!”


He fires a rocket from a missile launcher that is part of the arm of his bulky black  wheelchair.

Using a technique taught to him by Kylo Ren… George Lucas uses the force to stop the rocket mid flight. He crushes it… rendering it inert.

Now Plankett is getting serious. For the first time ever…. Plinkett stands up… getting up off his wheelchair.. His legs are feebly and vaniey.. with arthritis… they almost don’t support his immense weight. He falls to one knee.. Several of his angry fan supporters help him back up to his feet.

Blankett firers a massive blast of force lighting at Lucas. there is so much hate in him.. and the fan around him …. the toxic fan base… make it ever stronger.. they are all wearing gray Sith robes and chanting.

“The Prequels are not bad movies!!” George Lucas says.

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“Nooooooooooo!!!!” Plinkeet screams. “I have not lived all this time through liver failure just to see another rendition of the Star Wars Prequels!!”


“The trade federation crisis on Naboo was a cool idea!” Lucas says.


Plinkeet can’t listen to this. he shrieks and covers his ears temporary stopping the force lighting. just hearing this like like having sand in his ears. it is course rough and irritating. just having someone say the Prequels are “good movies” is a cruse.. it spreads.. it gets everywhere. …..It is important to gather critical thinking fans together, to make sure that blasphemous talk like that is shut down.

“I was raised on star wars” PlinkeeEet fires back “Lucas.. are like my FATHER!!”

“Nooooooooo!!!” Lucas shouts. “Nooooooo!!!!” He shouts again.. This is the last thing he want to hear. He is just desperate for the chilling agony of this realization of him having any familial relation to Plinkett to stop.

PlinkeeEeeEet continues firing this river of force lighting at Lucas who is struggling to block it. There is so much hate… this is way stronger then the lighting from Kathleen or Snoke.

Lucas might be strong enough to be this… but the truth is .. his hope is fragile… part of him wonders if Plantlike is right… maybe I really did ravage their childhoods?  It plays on his self doubt. A fear he has always had… Lucas is backing down… he is being defeated.

Suddenly the force ghost of every Jedi significant to the plot appear around Lucas to help him. Ashoka, Anakin, Kit Fisto, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Obi Wan, Jabba the Huts tail Rat, Dexter Jetster, Watto… Also the ghost of Goku appears right next to Lucas, just behind him (like from the end of the kid Gohan vs Cell scene)

Plunkeete is really angry now. He keeps firing back more lighting… but Lucas is slowly walking forward.

“I am ALL the Sith!!!” The fat in his cheeks trembles with rage.

Plinkett is struggling…. over the years he has needed increasing amounts of Ada-van to numb the pain of his drinking and obesity. His cartoonification falls off. This is his true face behind the Sith mask.


….Earlier JJ dropped a blue light saber.

Lucas uses the force to draw it all the way from across the room. Now he holds 2 sabers. one green, one blue.

“And I am all the Jedi” Lucas says. with the exact speed and movement choreography as Rey in the Rise of Palpatine.. I mean Skywalker.

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it is such a cool line. it makes the seen so unique and unpredictable… It’s like poetry, it rhymes. Plinkett is blown up. Bam. he just bursts.

all the fans amscray.

Lucas falls to the floor… he is tired… so tired. That last battle was harder then the others… it took all the life out of him.

Kylo Ren climbs in through the windu (The mace window. the window has been named after mace now. in honor of his death. This movie will also have a long funeral seen to honor the death of Mace Window following this battle (if the battle does in fact have an end, we are still writing the script. Each movie of the new trilogy will be primarily dedicated to the death of a Jedi from the previous much older trilogies.).).. Kylo looks beat up … he must have fallen out earlier… he is dying, his value to the plot is dying I mean…. but he gives the last of his life force, his story significance… to save Lucas who is at risk of developing heart trouble after all this excitement. Kylo Ren gives his life force to Lucas.. kisses him unexpectedly without even a single date or romantic conversation… and then fades away.

Before proceeding with the main plot.. all the characters… friends .. aliens.. side characters.. protagonist. this new trilogy has 3 lead protagonist. the new Rey Fin and Poe.. but we haven’t even met them yet... (they will be played by Chloe Felicity and Dafne) we had too much unresolved ’emotional baggage’ and nostalgia value to take care of from the previous films.. the plot stops … we take a 5 minute break to morn the loss of Mace Windu at his funeral. everyone cries. A lead protagonist was so distracted by Mace’s death that he stops fighting and gets his head chopped off.. this was back an hour ago during the Snoke Clone wars. The funeral scene is longer in the extended version of the film.. we only get five minutes of it here.

Now Lucas has a world full of people who want to help him make the next episodes.

He hires a writer. The writer writes 50 pages based of Lucas’s ideas.

The writer has some depression… just a spell of writers block. He says “I can’t get the story to flow, it isn’t flowing.”

Lucas says. “Ok”

They give up.

(To be fair Lucas is a bit disheartened after all this time… I don’t know… maybe it had something to do with the “you r888888 our childhood” comment).



This is a “creepypasta”

In other words this is a horror story.


Lets call this story:

The Harpist


A few years ago I was at a time in my life when i was really motivated to get out there and meet women. I had been single a long time. I was practicing the skills, getting out there more then ever before. Getting back into the swing of things. One thing i was doing was improving my music.

I heard about this interesting music event from a friend of a friend. My mom attends lots of spiritual and new agey events and meets a lot of interesting people. This man David, also my dads name, he had created this great sounding improve event. I had met him and played music with him before at his place. Now i was on my way to this event.

Instantly I was happy, there were more then a few cute girls here. Lots of interesting people, creative types. Energetic. Motivated. Open minded. I was intimidated because i struggled to meet people. to really connect, partially with women.

I saw this one girl who stood out too me. She noticed me too. Something about her eyes, i could tell we were both in a similar place in life some how, both looking to meet someone, both felt we had been waiting too long. I was getting more perceptive. I wasn’t going to overlook any more opportunities like i had in the past. It was the way she looked directly into my eyes multiple times over the evening. the old me wound’s notice stuff like this…. because i just made the assumption it wasn’t even there as i went through life… but i could see it now... the reasons behind her smallest actions… that was the most likely explication. My friend had pointed out that girls were checking me out a few months ago one day… somehow i used to think girls didn’t do that… i just figured… they had better things to do somehow.. i was so fucking traumatized lol. and i was starting to come out of it… all that self doubt.. and see a reality that was so totally different then want i thought reality was… all this time… the thing i thought was ‘reality’…. that was the trauma.

There was a whole new reality out there… and I couldn’t understand it through words and blueprints and equations… i had to experience it… that was the only way. Back then this felt like the end… every realization felt like the final and most important realization… but really.. this was just the very beginning.

I made eye contact with the girl a few times and a felt her notice me, even though there wasn’t time to talk during the event. she had long brown hair… pretty. could be a solid match. who knows really.

The event took place at this big christian college a few states away from my home town. And there were different music improve groups in different classrooms. It was kind of like being in school except everything was a fun music jam session. I played the piano.

I am separated from the girl, but keeping my mind open I don’t get attached, if another girl comes along I won’t get stuck on the first one.

And that’s when I notice this other girl I had not seen her before in the original gathering in the main hall. This girl has long crimson hair. Reddish brown. This very pretty, princess like girl. A real life princess. Even prettier then the first girl. It was like I had forgotten what pretty was until I saw her. Her face is so defined, easy to remember and identify with, so angelic. She has kind of a slightly.. introverted look, maybe just introspective. For a while she almost reminds me of my old slightly autistic roommate from college, nerdy, but a really fun guy. A good friend. Maybe this makes me feel connected to her. Like I get something about her ‘inner workings’, who she is on the inside, just by this feeling I get from her, her posture and expressions.

She has a -slightly- withdrawn look, but is very pretty, and looks very motivated, like there is a big vision going on in her mind. I just sense it somehow. and then she pulls out the instruments. Over then next few days i see her playing many different instruments. She is talented, and really not shy at all, her way of playing is very passionate, almost aggressive, it make me fucking excited. At first i thought her main instrument was this unusual foreign stringed instrument she was playing. But then she shows up with this massive black beautiful harp. She is very good on the harp. She is carrying the massive glorious harp  around with her. She almost tips over as she is carrying it up the stairs. it is bigger then her. I offer to help, I am shy, that alone is big for me. She insists everything is OK. She doesn’t need help. There is something epic about her. The way she carries around that giant harp, not afraid to draw attention to herself. the way i thought she was a bit introspective, but has this very outgoing side to her that just pops out. it is great.

I start talking to her after the class ends, and it is insane, she is just talking to me, it is flowing non stop. no boundaries. no walls. no playing hard to get. i try not to get too excited. but it’s almost annoying, how great it is.. this is how it is supposed to be. between men and women. It makes me wonder.. why has it taken all this time for a girl like this to just have a regular conversation with me? This is the way life should be.

We’ve been talking a long time, and we realize we don’t even know each others names.

“Should we introduce ourselves?” She says.

“I’m Chrissy.” She says… she looks down and smiles, there is something bashful about her, i see the red in her cheeks. I’ve never seen a girl up close looking like that because of me. She is so pretty, this princess of a girl… she doesn’t have to be shy around me… but I like it… maybe I should be someone who makes even a girl like this feel a bit shy now and then. This is how people should react, it is ok to be nervous. Everyone always pretending to be so cool and put together. She is so earnest. It’s funny that her name is Chrissy, like Christine… like Christ. I wonder if the name Chrissy comes from Jesus Christ. Because she acts like a saint sometimes. It seems funny… the idea of finding a way to name a girl after Jesus… I can see parents of medieval times being like “hey… we are good Christians wanting to name our good christian daughter … what should be call her? Jesusseica? No. Why don’t we call her something like Christa… how about… Chrissy.” It’s funny also because she really could Jesus. I’ve met female Jesus. and i like it. I like the name. I like her i mean.

There is something so nice and motivated and helpful about her that it’s -almost- annoying, almost. Her personalty is flawless. Not annoying at all. Yet I say that I feel annoyed because I feel like she might notice that I’m not as ‘good’ as she is. I mean, how can I compete with that. This is what i am thinking at lunch. She takes me to the cafeteria, and it is all going so well, she is so helpful showing me around, almost too much of a ‘saint’ well this is a Cristian school, it’s hard to imagine myself being as friendly and helpful as her, but it’s nice all the same. The way she has me this cute guy to talk to, but she is purposefully engaging every other person at the table and showing genuine interest in their passions. She could just keep talking to me. But she makes sure everyone feels included. not just her girlfriends. she talks to every teen and adult and older person alike at the table, she wants to know about what makes all of them passionate in regards to music. she is genuine.

I had this great vibe with her that I felt. And something about her inspired me to rise up, to be an even better person, to say more kind things to others, to be more of a listener. she was so crazy good at it… but I wondered a bit if perhaps she was trying a bit too hard, to do the right thing, sometimes, to be a saint, to be a hero, like Jesus or something.

We continued talking for a while, we walked back down to the music hall which was empty now. Eventually we had to part ways, she wanted to take a shower break before the next events. She wrote down her phone number and her email on one of my business cards. I don’t have a business really, but i make cards because it just makes this part easier somehow. It makes me feel proud. I was so proud of it all I had to walk into the bathroom to just dance it out. dance out the good energy. it was mind-blowing. that girl was a fucking princess.

The next day was full of eventfulness, I didn’t get to talk to her much. I didn’t end up in any of the groups with her even. that’s ok, it went so well the first day.. i was starting to worry nothing could really top the way that day whet. this other very pretty dark haired girl stared talking to me… it was so strange, it felt like all the pretty girls in my life were missing, and now here i was having a problem of ‘too many’. it was hard… but i had to cut it off… I couldn’t give her too much mention because i didn’t want to send the wrong signal to Chrissy, that i was interested in all the girls and her specifically.

So much was great about this event… there was this other semi-cute shot blonde girl who was here with a boyfriend.. I made eye contact with her a bunch of times, just me learning to be more social. I didn’t want people here to see me as the ‘isolater’ any more. This girl was friendly to me too, invited me to join her group at lunch, in a friendly way. I knew it would be good to spread out and not fixate on Chrissy… cauz she was hella easy to fixate on. I was meeting people all over. They seemed excited by me. It was like just stepping into this different environment was a chance to start over. So much of social success is about ‘perception’. At school everyone had an image of me. I had learned to blend in… not attract too much attention.

When i was a kid i almost died of Lyme’s Disease… it made me kind of physically stiff and easily tired. Because of that they had put me in special education classes at school…. I wasn’t really even slow… I just got nervous and tense around people. I hated what i did to my social image. Hot girls literally thought i was retarded… like on of the special kids… it was hella embarrassing and unnecessary. Now there was none of that here. People as me as ordinary… even extraordinary. Which i was. Here… everything started over… I could have girls like Chrissy. It was unfamiliar to me… but all of it was about social conditioning… social image… now that i wasn’t ‘chillin with the retarded kids’… people saw that i was cool. I didn’t even have to try. It also made me more confident… to stand out.

I only saw Chrissy again to give her a quick hug good bye. We said we’d stay in touch. She said she loved NY and would like to come visit, she liked to hang in the city. i told her that would be great. I don’t really remember the exact words, but it sounded promising, very promising.

I was kind of in a love daze the next few days after returning home, my family thought i had lost my mind, they didn’t know what happened. “how can you be in love with someone you just met”
“I don’t know I just feel it” I said. to me, this was a fucking miracle.
I waited about a week, then I wrote Chrissy a casual email. “if you’d like to hang out in the city some time, let me know.” i wrote a few sentences, i don’t really remember

I didn’t hear back from her for a few weeks. I was a bit worried. because the vibe had been so amazing, i would just have pounced on it had it been me on the other end of that email, but maybe she is preoccupied somehow with life? I sent another message “Everything ok?” something a long the lines of that.

She wrote back to me the next day!

but when I saw the message, she sounded angry. “Why do you expect me to hang out with you so soon!? I am very busy. I have many concerts to attend. my month is filled with performances.” she sounded very frustrated and it was hard to find anything in the message that made me even think I should continue to try and speak to her.. or be her friend even at all. I hadn’t meant to imply any ‘expectations’. but the dating world was tricky. often a man had to ‘try’ to sound ‘confident’ and that could come off as ‘pushy’, but if you weren’t ‘confident’ you could just as easily be a ‘push over’, it felt hard to win, you fail either way for different reasons. it was frustrating… instead of sad… i actually felt a bit angry… she had done a 180 on me. if i knew she was going to do that… i could have talked to that first girl, or the dark hared one, gotten their number…… but the truth was…. i spoke to her… because i liked her more. so well. I liked this girl a lot. Maybe it made me sound a little ‘over eager’. but i had really calculated the waiting time to give her space. I hadn’t been pushy. Why had she reacted like that. I really knew so little. After all that great vibage, this was so anticlimactic. (a future me could have continued the interaction beyond this point…. but back then i just didn’t know that was still possible. I figured she just hated me now. Maybe she just felt guilty about not having more free time lol… it’s all disgustingly Ironic… maybe she felt guilty about not having more time… and me… who has such a hard time with women… just assumes… yes yet another woman who is not interested… i just started every interaction with the assumption that women didn’t feel strong desires about men, or at least about me.)

I just kind of gave up on her after that.

Three years later i went back to the same music event… a lot had changed in my life. I was not expecting to see Crissy there still… but there she was!… as youthful and lively as ever… like no time had passed.

“Zack!! It’s good to see you.” She said looking into my eyes warmly.
“You remember who i am?” I said, not totally expecting that she would.
“Yeah, I do.” She smiled. She looks enthusiastic… but part of me wondered that this was just general friendliness. I want to believe I made a specific impression on her and that is why she is excited… but the flip side to her being so unconditionally compassionate.. is that it is hard to tell if she is excited about you specifically.. or if she just treats everyone like that. This isn’t even the first time I’ve pursued this type of girl.

A few hours later I am on the upper floor of the school building and i noticed a poster on the wall beam between the two bathrooms… to my mild surprise i realized it was actually a freekin news article about Chrissy… It had a big picture of her with a bunch of African kids.. it looked like she was helping impoverished and or staving children in Africa… saving the world… it seemed like something she would do. She’s like frigging famous here. I was proud for her.. and a little intimidated yet again, to say the least.

Back then I had become increasingly intense about ‘Buddhism’ and ‘meditation’ I was furious about not having a GF and spent more and more time doing hard core work outs, martial arts, I even had a dating coach, I was always learning and improving, but it wasn’t always fun. I noticed some progress. but i don’t think people around me always even realized how driven I was. it felt like it was killing me… but I couldn’t stop. at one point i did a 5 hour mediation.

You won’t believe me… but I increased it to 10 hours, i did that more then once. soon meditation was all I did. I did all kinds of intense things… to become better.. stronger.. more ‘enlightened’ did it work? We will find out.

When I went to this music event… now it was little more then an ‘indulgence’ to me, but upon arrival… i began to remember the old me… before all the discipline and hard core workouts… the endless striving to be better. I noticed I was having chest pain, like my heart was burning… it didn’t feel natural. yet I was way more social then i had been three years ago… but it was like my body kept telling me i was pushing too hard.. that i should stop trying to be an extrovert all the time if I’m really more of a solo guy. but i didn’t even remember how to stop. i couldn’t let go of the ‘new me’ even when my body told me something was getting bad. like being on the cusp of collapse. it felt like i couldn’t win either way. keep pushing myself into oblivion…. or go back to being a reclusive loner.

All this uneasiness inside me… We were getting towards the end of the event and i still hadn’t spoken to Chrissy… like I was almost avoiding her… i didn’t feel that hopeful around… she was a good hearted girl… she was just ‘nice’ to everyone. That’s all that was left of something that almost became much more… just her being ‘nice’ to me out of the charity of her heart. I didn’t want it. I saw her… radiant, out going. as successful as ever. I felt over the years my creative ambitions had diminished somewhat. but i could tell she was still on fire… busting out the strange instruments… stroking cords, plucking the strings with gentile emotion… to the fullest of her hearts passion. racing over to different people in different corners of the room just to say something compassionate and wise she noticed about them. she was heroic. just as much so as ever. I was loosing faith in the world.. in-spite of how determined i had become recently. I stared talking to some other people in a group near by her.. it was kind of like i was ‘warming’ up. I had been talking to a lot of people this time…. much more talkative then I had been last time… yet still i felt afraid to talk to her. Like i was waiting for something in my heart to tell me it was ok…. then finally it hit me… the moment was never going to come… i had to make a choice to talk to her… I had been avoiding the choice…. the uncertainty in my heart… i couldn’t shake it… I didn’t understand it. But i had to try anyway… I was running out of time.

i finally made an effort to talk to Chrissy again.. I wanted her to see the new me… how much more ‘natural’ I was now. not the forced confidence of the Zack she met 3 years ago… or the lonely quiet Zack I was even before that. I was so much more alive now…. I understood the strangeness of it all… the insecurities and traumas that are secretly driving the world, the trauma society misidentifies as ‘signs of successes’… this relentless compulsion to do things, produce things, fix things… and the secrete anxiety that is driving it all. i saw it everywhere, .. the anxiety that drove people… at started as energy even before it was turned into words… the verbal level… and I knew how to not get sucked it to it… how to not get convinced the anxiety mode of living was what i ‘should’ be doing.


I had come so far and learned things i never even imagined were possible about the world, about the true driving forces of people and society, the hidden traumas ….yet some kind of confusion still clouded me… emotionally. Like i was struggling to ‘feel’ it… like some mysterious force was draining my energy, my emotions… There was some kind of paradox a the heart of it all I still had been unable to see beyond… I could feel it was clouding my ability to be truly close to people… to -feel- the emotions… and the emotions were so important. that ‘magnetic’ vibe with people… that is what she had, what she had always been a master of.

The thing is… I had become such a ‘devout Buddhist’ that i fully question my desire to talk to her at all. it was all just ‘desire’. it wasn’t part of my practice. it wasn’t there to lead me to awakening. awakening was being in a life of service, of discipline and focus and letting go of everything impure. I had spent the last 2 years seeking to be without desire. yet something told me …. something in me wondered … that I was still making the same mistake. Avoiding what I really wanted and needed. I felt in my heart. that I was still meant to speak to Chrissy. That I needed to do this for myself.

I listened to my emotion… the part of me that ‘wanted’ to talk to her. not the part of me that knew what was ‘right’ the right action for someone truly devoted to spiritual to take. instead i just listened to that feeling, that wanted to talk to the sexy babe in the room.

And when i went up to her… full of that feeling. She was like “hey!” i felt like the emotion in her heart… it called out to me. it was nice. i felt her girlyness… her youthful exuberance in a way i had not felt before. the old me had always been so focused on the words… there were still levels of interaction i had not yet felt before.

I remarked how i had seen that poster of her on the wall, “you’re out there, doing great things. your serious.” i laugh. I could have chosen to be intimidated by it, instead i find a way to say it is cool, in a way that is lighthearted, playful.

She sighed. “yeah… trying to be a hero all the time… that’s me… kind of i went in too far in it all… you get lost in it.. the dark place. you try to do the right thing all the time.. yet you get kind of ‘sucked’ up in it in a strange way.”

Somehow I knew exactly what she was talking about. i felt like life had changed us in strangely similar ways in the last few years.

There was this other girl there she had been talking to.. all this girl could seem to respond with to anything anyone said was “that’s cool.” her eyes were kind of glazed over and her voice would trail off a little… like she wasn’t truly following anything anyone was saying, even though she was trying to… she heard the words… but not the feelings and the subtext behind theme… It reminded me of the way i could be sometimes years ago. I on the other hand… was really on a role for some reason.. I kept cracking jokes, but also just feeling confident and connecting, i wasn’t ‘over talking’ either… I was listening a lot to other people, but also making insights now and then that really felt valuable.

I realized that if “that’s cool” girl is cool enough to talk to Chrissy. then i am for sure. i didn’t have to be intimidated. i had changed so much in the last year or two alone. it was like i could see the details on peoples faces, their insecurities, and the reasons why those insecurities were there, things i had never seen before… once i came to see my own trauma, it just vanished, and now i could see trauma everywhere, effecting everyone… the insecurity, the insignificance complex, that prevented the flow of energy, of life force. i was connected to the life force, and i was earning it the way ‘forced confidence’ Zack was, with great jokes, and constant interesting dialogue, i was just calm and happy, and she felt it. I told her about my meditations, and how you could actually go ‘too far’ into spiritually. she agreed. i told her how i was being “in the now, like Eckhart Tolle” but i had gone too far with it some how.. like there was a missing piece Eckhart had never taped into to,… Eckhart is in the moment, but he isn’t funny, he isn’t the life if the party, he is just ‘present’ ‘spiritual’ ‘glow’ ‘genuine’ but their is something people like Dave Chapel have, that is acutely a higher quality that even Eckhart doesn’t have. You might call this the Eckhart / Chapel Paradox, as enlarged as Eckhart was, he wasn’t the life of the party like Chapel. As enlightened as i became, putting in the hours, i found myself actually becoming less like what i wanted to be. She mentioned she had red Eckhart. Enthusiastically she invited me to one of her concerts. Great.

It was funny to think that you could be enlightened… like Eckart… yet still not be as funny… or as cool. as Dave Chapel. it was a hilarious comparison. yet it was true. It seem to get to the heart of something that i had been confronting a long time now. I start to wonder of there is something ‘artificial’ about my efforts to strive towards higher conciseness.. enlightenment… it’s funny… I lived a purer and truer more devoted life then i ever had before these last 2 years… and socially, I’m better then ever before… yet there is this physical tension inside me… like my feelings… some part of me isn’t truly ‘in it.’ I am more social and present then i have ever been… like Ekhart… i am fully present in every moment.. to an insane degree. yet in some regards.. there is this haunting contradiction to it all…. it feels like i am actually getting further away from that which matters most. The simple indulgences of life.. the things i ‘desire’ i have removed them completely… it felt like it might be liberating at first… but maybe it was just a ‘trend’ something new that felt interesting at first… yet somehow it felt wrong as well… when I let go of and removed all my desires… instead of finding the love… being drawn up in to a higher divine contention…. there is just nothing… absolutely nothing there.


I leave the school. The event is over for this year. I take one last look back at the building. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain directly in my heart. it feels like organ failure. It is intense. Then is passes.

“Are you feeling Enlightened yet!!” It’s that same voice from the room, it’s hissing in my mind! Like it is taunting me. It is little more then a creepy wispier. It felt like someone else was there… other then me… yet I  start to wonder if I actually heard it.

All those years I spent trying to become ‘Enlightened’ when all I really wanted was for Chrissy to just hang out with me for once. or another girl like her. Why is this happening. This is so dark. I never imagined I would be having chest pains. The doctors never found anything wrong. It was scary. to reflect back on the years i devoted to this ‘enlightenment’, this vision of ‘personal transformation’, it felt like i had ruined my body some how… i had pushed to far… and it all stared… because of stuff like this.. girls… who wouldn’t fucking call back. I used to be a normal person… I used to be a good person. Now I am a monster… pretending to be the normal fun guy I used to be, the person i was supposed to be. But inside i feel it…. I’ve felt it for some time now…. something is truly wrong with this world. And whatever voice was speaking to me… the wrongness of the world goes beyond it.

I drove home, feeling good about the talk with Chrissy… that was way better then I was expecting… i could really rekindle things with her… maybe … but i was having chest pain now… it was getting bad and I didn’t know what to do… it had been going on for a few months now… i had thought coming here would remind me of who i used to be before i became so ‘intense’ about Buddhism… back when i did art and music and other hobbies… but there was still much confusion. i couldn’t stay connected to the energy, and feel safe to go back into my ‘desires’ the thing that had lead me into the cave. i saw the desires as bad somehow.

The pain was scary. the concert was a few hours away. i felt afraid to drive there.

I started having dreams about this letter i had written that i had left in one of the rooms of the school Chrissy went too. it was some kind of message i had intended to send to her.

Another year goes by. My pain had been getting really bad. It was heart to even think about talking to a girl like Chrissy in this stated of crippling physical pain… But i had seen some improvements in the last month. I had slowed my life way down since the chest pain started… i was all about ‘nature’ and ‘peace’ and ‘loving others’ and ‘self love’ now. The music event at the Catholic school was starting again soon, coincidentally now that my health was returning a bit. i decide to go to the music event.

I looked around… this time Chrissy is not there.

At the center of the school, it looked like a church or a cathedral, there was this statue of a female saint, that said “we value those with bleeding hearts” it was kind of creepy. “to devotion to living selfless lives” it says after that. it reminds me of both Chrissy and i, always striving to be better, … in some ways to the determent of our own well being… the bleeding heart. here it is promoted… like it is the highest quality to strive for. It is stuff like this that is the reason people like her and i push too far and wind up in the dark. It was ironic that the plaque on the statue used the words ‘bleeding heart’ to describe the type of mentality i used to have… and now after years of that mentality,.. that way of life… i was literally having cardiac pain.
I’m wondering around the halls… feeling a strange vague kind of sadness…it’s hard to feel anything sometimes… life is just so… mundane. hauntingly so. Some people talk about ghosts spirits and aliens, I’ve always been a person of science,… I’ve never had anything even remotely supernatural happen to me.

I wonder down this corridor on the far west side of the Catholic school.. it reminds me of the place from my dream. in real life i would stay at a hotel near by. but in the dream, i attended the event and stayed in one of the rooms at the school, near a room that was Chrissie’s. That made sense that i would dream about being ‘closer’ to her. In the dream.. I had been writing her this letter. Like something fancy and romantic from colonial times. But in the dream i left in the room and forgot to take the letter with me….

As I walked down the hall I noticed a long line of dorm rooms. Everyone was gone for the summer, the school was only being used for the music event now. Just a hall of empty rooms. I decided it would be cool if I could try to find the room from my dream. For fun i pushed on one of the door handles to a room in the middle of the hall. it opened, to my surprise. inside was a neatly made bed with an envelope on it.

In a daze of confusion… i picked up the envelope. it had a red seal, like in the dream. i opened it. i really don’t give a shit about what i do these days. it was all to surreal anyway.

I opened the letter. it was a letter form me to Chrissy. the letter contained plans for our wedding. I was so confused… And then it got stranger… it felt like the way my heart was beating changed then… like for a few seconds i felt… younger… like i had become a different person… like a more energetic happier version of myself. it was scary. yet it felt right.

Suddenly the door closed and something grabbed me from behind. all i saw out of the corner of my eyes was this blackness. like a shadow, but i really couldn’t see it.

This crescendo of whispers seemed to fill my head.

“Are you feeling Enlightened yet!!” I thought i heard a voice say.

I could swear I heard that among the hissing voices… Maybe i was imagining this… or dreaming it… i wasn’t quite sure.

Suddenly all of it was gone. The letter was gone too.

So I leave the room and go back to the event…. thinking i had imagined it all. everything is normal. i see some of my old friends from the previous years. the event is for all ages. Lynn and David.. people I’ve met before. Eccentric adults, talented musicians, dancers, people who travel the world, hippies, concert performers, new agy spiritual people, playing a variety of unusual instruments in combined jam sessions. I play the piano, remembering the way Chrissy made me feel. this sense of purpose. remembering the way she played. but also playing for myself this time. I’m more relaxed then i was the last time i was here… the conflict in me has healed a little. but Chrissy is not here this time to see it.

I star talking to this younger girl.. she is about 18… a bit young .. I am around 25 at this time. The nice thing about Chrissy is she was coincidentally the same age as me. I’m talking to this younger blond girl, she is pretty. not crazy pretty. We have a long conversion as we walk from one room to the next across the school.. some rooms aren’t connected and you have to walk out doors to get to them, to other building in the school… It’s nice, being in a school like this… meeting people. I can tell this girl… thinks she’s too good for me… It’s like she was friendly… but ultimately not that interested in the conversion. It is annoying. For me, I can never get enough when i finally find someone who seems of compatible age and personality… Even if she is a bit young… the just seems to happen too often… you FINALLY find someone who really feels compatible… and they are just so standoffish… like they have something more important they need to be doing. But like ‘what’? is that. Hurrying their way to the grave? A life of ‘business’. People don’t just stop to talk and enjoy life (well not enough of them). I used to be so bright and optimistic… i can begun to see society as a disease… I used to think the problem was in me… but now i saw it… insecurity … everywhere.. people thought they were living lives of ‘productivity’ but it was just a clever mask for something else… insecurity… a drive to fill something never full. we are all empty shells… like mass produced coca-calla cans… we kept producing and producing… yet something was empty on the inside. I parted ways with the girl. I wouldn’t make her ‘suffer’ my existence any more. There might still be other girls here.

The day continued to roll by. I didn’t want to be a brooding fool, meaning I didn’t want to sound too attached to it, but i decided to ask Lynn if she has seen Chrissy recently…

“Oh… hun. … I’m sorry… She’s gone.” Lynn looks at the ground.

“Gone?” I say in shock.

Lynn goes on to explain the terrible car accident that killed Chrissy. Something truly random, sudden, and mundane.

…..The day just roles on and on. There is a weight in my chest. the food has no taste. nothing matters anymore. i thought i was doing all this for myself, but maybe i was doing it for her after all…. it’s all for her, it’s always about her in the end. i was just kidding myself… thinking i had let go. that i could ‘let go’ of everything. you never fucking let go of love. it hold on and it hold on and it holds on.

I walk back to that room. in a rage. hoping maybe that dark spirit will appear again. so i can give him a piece of my mind. i want a confrontation. some strange curiosity draws me back to the hall, the dorm rooms, the open door.

I find the door again. 106.

I enter.

There’s no envelope this time. was the whole thing part of the dream? did i confuse the dream with reality. but it’s strange the door was open…

Stay in the room for a while… just hanging out… like i will learn something if i stay here…. like God will fucking intervene and bring Chrissy back,.. even if she was alive… she was never mine. There are so many layers of irony to this.

The room just reminded me of her somehow. Once she had been a school girl here… staying in rooms like this… and after graduation she had returned here every year for the summer music event for all ages.

I write some notes on my phone the way I often do. Just notice about the day, things on my mind, kind of like journaling but kind of not. i browse the internet on my phone. i log on to Facebook. It takes a while to find Chrissy’s account… I’m not even friends with her. But i find it… some of her pictures are publicly visible. I click on her profile picture, a few different pictures come up. I just gaze at one of the pictures for a while. It seems to feel nice. Lots of friends have commented there condolences… “You were a light to us all.” “We will never forget your shinning spirit and the way you brought out the best in people.” She really is gone. I’ve read enough.

Finally after an entire hour just sitting there on that bed in the dorm room I leave.

Closing the door behind me, I headed down the hall. … I’m almost all the way down the hall when I here music playing behind me … harp music. It reminds me of her. I head back the way i came. It sounds like it is coming from a room around the area i just was.. I stop … the music seems to be coming directly from room 106. I enter the room. Maybe someone really had been staying here. Maybe there is a harpist here… maybe I will meet a new Chrissy. In my mind i am picturing Chrissy with a different hair color. A new Chrissy. Maybe this is my destined moment. I can tell her about how i once knew a harp player a bit like her. I’m getting a head of myself. I’m not sure how a few about the idea of a new Chrissy. I didn’t know Chrissy that long… but she made an impression to say the least. The idea of a new Chrissy just feels sad. This place, this school, will always remind me of her.

When I get inside… the room is empty.

The music has stopped. now I feel I bit of fear.

I turn to leave. But I hear a rustling behind me.

I look again. I jump in shock.

A giant black figure is there!! Like a big shadow… a blotch of deep darkness right up against the wall.

……I am too scared to get what it is at first….. I find myself looking away. Then I make myself look back.

The figure… It is a girl, and a giant black harp. The same harp Chrissy used…. … ….but the girl is like a corpse… and yet… she is moving… I feel chills running through me. It is all very vivid. She has long flowing hair… The girl… it is Chrissy.. disfigured from her car accident…


Like a dead body… deathly pale in some areas… but majority of her is charcoal black… like it had been rotting for months into deep blackness…..

This thing that looks like Chrissy, it grins at me. “It’s good to see you Zack.”

Her voice is delicate, gentle, sweet, like the vibrant kind real life angel Chrissy is. Only it comes from the mouth of a blackened corpse. It’s creepy.. I find myself wondering .. it is like her body is dead.. yet somewhere inside her some of her organs might still be alive, the gentleness of her voice, the light in her eyes… In stark contrast to the deadness of her exterior. I’m trying to imagine the kind of pain she might be in.

Her limbs are broken in places hanging off in strange directions. Severed yet still partially attached. This is true for one of her arms and one of her legs. Her mid section also looks a bit mangled.

“You too!” I say.

I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of anything. I’ve been waiting for this.
I know this life never made any fucking sense. I’ve been waiting all these long years for something exciting to finally happen. The thing most people don’t know about me… is that I’m not actually afraid of anything. nothing that can happen can be worse then what has already happened in my life. nothing can be worse then feeling true love, and having that love be taken for no reason.

Then the freaky goolish Chrissy just vanishes. It is sudden and abrupt. The way she and the harp just disappeared. It’s like she knew I wasn’t afraid.

“Are you ready to give me your phone number again!” I say holding out my cell phone and turning on the screen, smiling sardonically. I used to be a very normal person, intensely so, but over the years… rejection after rejection… I kind of lost my mind. I’m not afraid of the dead… I’m not afraid of anything.

“Was that all you wanted. To scare me!” I shout “Are you sad it didn’t work! I love you Chrissy! I love you!! I don’t know why i didn’t work. i guess you pretty girls always have something more important to do! Like getting hit by cars!! I hope it was all worth it!! I hope you loved every god damn moment of your beautiful fucking life.”

Suddenly something grabs me from behind. This crescendo of hissing whispers fills my head. like the first time i entered the room. i jump, a bit startled, maybe i was talking so much because i really was afraid. or maybe i just had a lot to say. this thing behind me… it feels scary. even more then Chrissie’s talking corpse playing the harp.

“Why are you so persistent” the voice says, it booms in my head. This ‘thing’ is behind me… i feel it,, i don’t see it… it’s like a shadow.. yet it’s voice is in my head… it won’t stop echoing… it keeps filling my head with reverberating echos.

Stop!!! i scream at it. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of anything. I’m just pissed. “if you have something to say to me… say it! speak the fuck up! I can’t hear what you are saying.”

then the whispering just stops.

“I thought so.” I say. “so you had nothing to say after all.”

I look around the room. no one is here. nothing.

“Maybe you can show me that letter again.” “that was kind of nice.” “lets do something positive for a change.”

“Zack are you ok?”

It’s Lynn from the music event.

“I heard you talking.”

“Oh yeah… sorry i was.. on the phone.” I say.

“Oh… ok.” She says. She seems to accept this excuse… not needing to know the details.

Lynn walks me back to the event.

Now back at the event I’m watching others preform… I have lots of time to just think and sit with my thoughts. Man… That was creepy… I’m still in a kind of shock. I think back to that room… I remember every detail of it all. The exact words that ‘thing’ that appeared to be ‘Chrissy’ had used and the exact way her voice sounded. Chrissy….. “It’s good to see you Zack.” She, the corpse girl, had said. It’s similar to what she said in real life the last time I saw her one year ago. but not exactly the same. it had been a little more gentle… almost intimate. almost. which seems to imply this is was real Chrissy who had spoken. that this was a new moment in time, a genuine interaction, and not just an echo, not one of my own memories just running on repeat, like something from a dream.

Later that night i am leaving the Catholic school, looking back at it’s big looming presence. The tall stone pillars and pointed tops and arches of the roof. The building looks cold and powerful. The air is cold. i feel empty. i felt it… like that room had some kind of answer for me. that was so strange. Chrissie’s corpse. i want to see her again. even if she is a talking corpse. maybe it made me excited.

i felt it, confusion in my life, like whatever i tried, it wasn’t right. .. like something had been draining my energy.. I had been talking to my friend about it she said “maybe you have an energy demon”

I start walking back home, then i turn to take one last look at the school. I look for the window to that room 106… just blackness inside all the windows. it is hard to tell which is which. i start counting windows from right to left… i count six widows down… i am sure… it is that one.. i look into the window. nothing unusual there.

I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life right now.. there is truly nothing urgent i need to be doing right now.. So I keep standing there… looking into that window. “I want to see you. I want to see you again.” I say into the cold, my voice evaporates into smoke. it is so cold… and so dark… it’s just me facing off against this big creepy stone building. What am i even doing… I turn around. I’m going to leave now. walk away from this. but then … i just take one last look at he window.

And in the window … I see her shadow. It’s her. A dark shape … pitch blackness in the shape of Chrissy, a blackness even darker darker then that of the rest of the room. she is standing right there now facing directly at me. I can’t see it’s eyes. But in my heart. I feel like it is staring right at me. My heart is racing… ‘you… I want you.’ i think.  Then I turn away. This isn’t right. Or is it? Then i look back again. The shadow is gone.


I was driving back home now.

Something about my life has never made sense.

It is 9pm at night. the event is three days long and it ends in the night… I also arrive at the event on friend night… leave Sunday night… it means i have to do two 3 hour drives during the late hours after the sun sets. a lot of it is long almost empty high way through farm land / country. I am speeding down the dark road.. trying to get it over with… I’m driving 67 slightly over the limit. Suddenly i see a dark shape on the side of the road. It looks like corpse Chrissy playing the big black harp. I drive right by her and for a moment i look directly into her eyes… all i see is death… and maybe sadness. did i just imagine there was sadness there too?

I pull over to the side of the road. I’m going back. I have to see her again. I walk back 100 feet to the spot where I saw her… there in the grass.. there is actually a road here and a sign. It leads to a church. I walk inside… it is like a big auditorium. it is empty.. the light out.. no one is here. I just stand there… the Universe has never sent me ‘signs’ and i don’t expect it to suddenly start doing so now. Some people see ‘signs’ everywhere… but me… it’s never happened. it all just feels like chaos. there is no meaning to it but the meaning i gave it… and lately it’s been hard to keep given… hard to care. But it’s strange none the less… I saw her ghost… and now I’m here inside this church that is open for some reason.

I am looking at this statue of Jesus on the cross. that’s us.. bearing our crosses in life… always striving for more… to make the sacrifice… then killed off… by the very fools who failed to see our value right from the beginning. it’s a profound symbol… I’m not a christian… but something about it always spoke to me. i like that Jesus is a real person… I a way… that’s how i felt about Chrissy…. i never felt like God was watching over me… life was so lonely and empty and cold… but when i met people like Chrissy.. and Chrissy itself… it felt like i was with god… no like she WAS God… God incarnate… something divine on Earth… she was real… that was something i could believe in.

I decided to walk down the hall… closer to the statue.. I am standing in front of it. I am really losing my mind. Hoping that if i just keep standing here…. something important will happen. Maybe GOD will intervene. lol. No he has never shown up before… i don’t expect him to start caring now. Then i look to my lift and notice there is a big grand piano there. IT reminds me of Chrissy… her passionate playing.. and of myself. Piano is my primary instrument. I’ve composed several songs. mostly free-styling.

I’m looking at the piano…. when suddenly a powerful and profound emotion is shooting though me… flowing like a river… of deep rainbow emotion… lifting me higher and higher. Suddenly the church is full of people…. light is streaming in through the windows. and Chrissy is sitting there at the piano. She is beaming at me.

She is diddling around on the piano. “Come on! You said you would play with me!” She says… inviting me to sit next to her. She is playing this song… and some how i know it too… I play it with her.

“Oh by the way! I was meaning to tell you…. I finally finished reading your book!” She said. “Trauma of Nations.” She says.

I’ve never written a book by that title. But somehow it’s like I remember writing it. I nod. “That’s great!” I say. It’s like i just stepped into a movie… and i know all the lines. but i still remember the reality i came from.. and it is scary.

“I like the way you describe people…. it’s so detailed…. oddly specific. It was kind of shocking actually… I agree with it…. I’ve always felt it was true… but i liked the way you put it into words… i couldn’t seem to describe it somehow the way you did.”

“Thank you…” I said.

“I feel like… lots of people out there are suffering… that’s why i play.. because it lifts people out of the pain… it makes people happy… and it makes me happy… but when I’m with you… i feel like something even more is possible… i feel like… we could really bring about a change in the world…”

“I feel the same way.” I smile at her and stroke her long auburn / crimson hair.

“I’ve always sensed it… this burning purpose in you… you were so driven… and it inspired me to be my best self as well. I think it motivated me to finish this book. but that’s just the beginning.”

“I know what you mean.” She smiles. “I want to talk more about the book later. there is so much going on right now. The book… it reminded me of something… a lot of things… it gave me this crazy idea! I know where we should go next!” She says… it sounds like she is talking about traveling the world or something.

Then the whole scene disappears… I am looking now at dead Chrissy, the blackened corpse…. playing the piano still.

“You think you are entitled to a life with me!” She shrikes. her voice this creepy hissing… otherworldly sound. her eyes are black.

“I never!!” “I never made any assumptions about anything!”

“All of that….. that’s just the insecurity talking!” That isn’t you. “It’s all outlined in that goddamn book i never wrote! it isn’t real! it is insecurity.”

Your insecurity” she grins… her body is dead, blackened in some areas… rotten… yet ghostly pale in others…., and yet her eyes are full of life now. “your inferiority.” (as in inferiority complex) “You never had the courage to continue to approach me. you gave up too soon!” “you didn’t have the guts.” She grins.


This is going to sound fucked … but I like girls who are really pale… she still has a lot of her feminine beatify… the perfect symmetry of her face.. despite the severed appendages and a few rotten areas… she does still look hot.. that’s the truth.

“You’re absolutely right!” I smile. “but i could say the same about you! you waited for the perfect man. you went for the smooth talkers.. the really really excessively confident outgoing men. you never imagined that a shy guy like me… someone who didn’t ‘always’ know what to say could love you far more then they ever could. you only valued appearance… the guys who were better at ‘showing’ off. You never saw past it… to something deeper.. You never even gave me a chance. You thought you were too cool… so cool… but guys like that… who always know what to say.. they don’t have what it takes in the long run… they burn out on drugs.. lost in the glory days now behind them… they don’t have real ambition… the ambition to change this rotting world!!! You are shallow! You missed the truth of it all… right from the very beginning. You failed!!!!!” I laugh manically.

Chrissy’s dead body listens to all of it… trying to find an argument… yet finding none.

“And yes!” I grin maliciously. “We should have been together. You would have been better. ….. better off … with me!” I know she dated other people… girls like that always have an army of men blowing up their phones… she probably dated some confident asshole every single year since she was 14… i dated no one… i pursued many girls… and never had a GF…  She probably dated someone… someone without the ambition i had. “You dated shallow men. as all the pretty girls do. I could match you ambition!” I grinned “i could lift you higher! We could do it for each other.” I say, the honesty makes my anger sound a little softer, a little more gentle. “I felt it. You and I, we were supposed to be together!!”

“You can’t be with me.” Zombie Chrissy hisses menacingly, her words have cold finality. “You don’t even know yourself. You don’t even love yourself. You hate yourself!” she shrieks!!

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She is creepy. but not as creepy.. not as horrific as the truth i feel inside myself… the truth I have always felt. that I am utterly alone… it feels almost as though i am living inside the wrong timeline or something like that. Like an alternate reality that was never even supposed to happen.

“No… girl.. It is you who does not understand.” I grin. “You had so many important things to do… you never saw what was right in front of you. the truth.” “I never hated myself… The one i hate… it has always been you!!!” I shout.

She vanishes. then i feel it again…. this current of emotion running though my chest…. lifting me higher… why now? this is so strange. it was like when i said that to her…. it released something deep from within myself… it felt good… the hatred.

Chrissy beams it me. Young radiant and alive… pretty and gentile. She gets up off the piano. “I’ll see you soon!” Light pours in from the window around us. I hear voices of other in the room.

Somehow I gather that we are at a wedding. We are still in the same building… but it is day time and it is full of people now.

Chrissy looks back at me, whirling around energetically… her dress flutters and spins showing more of her legs. “Just seven days left! In seven days this will be us.. getting married!” she beams.

I smile at her… “I can’t wait…. to jump your bones after the ceremony.” I grin.

For a moment Chrissy pretends to be put off… she pouts playfully… then she has this deep bushy grin. “not if I don’t jump them first!!” she pauses and grins harder, “I’m going to hold you down and make you take it!”

“I would have it no other way.” I say… more gently and intimately then she was expecting… we had been joking around… but she felt the change in emotion coming from me… the love… it took her a back… but in a good way.

Someone else at the wedding… a man in his fifties… overhears us talking he looks at us and beams… Chrissy blushes… then runs off.

“It’s all good!” the man laughs.. “you guys look like a happy couple. it just sounded like you guys were … having a good time. I’m not judging… seriously … you’re young! Enjoy your lives!”

“Thank you!” I say. There is so much good in my life… I’m not even sure what i want to do next… maybe i will compose a new song. I am starting to forget… forget the other reality ever even exited…. …. this is the reality that was supposed to be… this feels right.

Then the whole scene just vanishes.

Zombie Chrissy appears again at the piano. I am standing. She is sitting.

“I was imperfect.. but you could have seen through that. you could have loved me anyway.” I tell her.

“There is no destiny. We aren’t meant to be together. It’s all chaos and death.” the Goolish Chrissy howls at me. I guess dying has changed her perspective on it all somewhat. “You’re a looser. The only thing you want… is to live in a fantasy.”

Did she see it too? I wonder. Was she there in those visions with me… that better place where we were together… is this is still the same Chrissy…something tells me that despite appearances… this is the very same girl. She really was there. I won’t assume she wasn’t. I won’t assume it was all just a fantasy or a dream… not yet. Was she there with me… and did it scare her to see that other reality… did it make her wonder… that maybe she made the wrong choice. She must have seen it… that would explain why she is saying this.

“Any fantasy is better then this crap we call life…” I grin. “And the fantasy… This constant obsession I have with women, girls like you. This obsession… to make the world better then it is and to believe it can be. It actually makes me feel more alive then I ever was before! back when i followed the rules. When I kept my head down and let the insults get to me.”

She laughs and sways back a bit in her seat. She didn’t know I had so much to say, maybe she is actually a little impressed. “You were always too afraid…” She fires back. “Afraid to take what you really wanted.”

“Do you see it now… now that your dead.” I retort. “You’re saying this… because you know you fucked up. You can see that I loved you more, and you’re regretting that you never left room in your busy schedule to take the good things in life for your self! You deserved that life! But you didn’t even give yourself permission to just take it!”

She looks away… then she turns back and snarls viciously, a force, a wind comes from her, it almost knocks me over. Almost. .. Her teeth turn into fangs. Her eyes flash black.

It doesn’t even matter… her spunkiness … it just makes her more attractive to me.

“I’m not afraid…” I say. “And that means… I’m not afraid to say truth. The true depth of how pathetic I really am.. The truth is… even after you devoted your life to ignoring my advances.. after all that time… even in this very moment… I still love you. I just keep loving you and loving you and loving you!” That is who i am. I realize i am crying now. “You’re the one who is afraid. you are the one who keeps running away from me!”

I step forward towards dead reanimated Chrissy and take her hand. I pull her up to her feet. Surprisingly…. she doesn’t resist. She flies right into my arms… still dead and black and creepy as ever… but the creepiness just excites me somehow. she might as well have been dead from the beginning.. because she barely gave me the time of day. (to quote my grandma I think lol). it’s funny after she died our relationship has become more honest then it ever was when she was living!!

I am kissing her and holding her close… it actually feels good. i see love in her eyes. Then she explodes into thousands of cockroaches. she is dead after-all.

Suddenly i feel it again.. I am being lifted up into this other reality once again. This time i am in a different place… I am outside at a different wedding… It doesn’t take me long to realize… this time… I am at my own wedding.

I am standing across from Chrissy. My heart stops. Don’t make me feel this. Anything but this. Somehow….. this is worse.. Nothing will ever compare.. to this feeling.

We are saying our vows. I have this great feeling.. only this time there is also dread … because i know this is going to fade away again… this reality won’t last… it’s just like a glimpse into something… and i have no idea why this is happening still. I’m sure i never will. come to think of it… nothing about my life has ever made sense… about this reality. My best friend jack is standing behind me.. my best man. other familiar faces are in the crowd… and unfamiliar faces. I go into kiss her. It is hard to feel this profoundly alive… now knowing it will soon disappear. who knows… maybe not.

The scene vanish again. I am alone in the dark empty church. Zombie Chrissy is gone too now.

A few moments pass. Suddenly the entire church is full of this loud hissing noise… it is like the noises from before… only now it is overwhelming.. it is everywhere… it feels like the walls of the church are moving… i see little bugs everywhere… i now notice. they look like little spiders.

“I am the illness.” The voice booms. “I have always been with you… since you were five.”

when I was five I almost died of Lyme disease. Is the disease itself speaking to me now? What does that have anything to do with what is happening now…

“you are always so…… persistent!” There is this echoing… vibrating hissing creepiness to the voice. like time is moving in two different directions… like feedback… like a loop.

“you were supposed to die…” it says. i make out these words among the whisperers.

“…on three separate occasions….” i make out more words… among the hissing… i keep expecting it to stop…. but it doesn’t… the entire wall… every wall and the ceiling is covered in spiders. I’ve really provoked the demons now.

“but you just keep on living… why won’t you just die!!” then abruptly all the noise and activity stops. i am alone in the empty church.

I think I’ve had enough for the day. nothing left to ponder here. I go to the gas station and buy a red bull. i think i will reward myself. that part where i kissed zombie Chrissy… that was pretty epic… i think about that.

I drive home. i am a bit freaked though… I’m trying to stay confident about it… but this feeling tells me i am about to die.


There is a big river down the hill a few hundred feet away from my house. i walk to the park near the river. then i start walking into the river. I notice a sign that says “no swimming”. how timid i am … i almost give up my plan to go in just because of the sign. maybe i am looking for some kind of baptism. the water calls to me. maybe i just want to drown. but that would be too painful. i just want to get wet. get dirty. i want to feel the water on my skin. feel something. other then emptiness and hatred. So i walk out… into the water… I’m not really sure why I am doing this… I know life is so mundane… i know nothing interesting will happen… nothing interesting ever happens. Not to me. Not in this town.. This productive lonely insecure little village.

I am standing there in the lake, and i feel it again… something behind me. a voice in my head.

“you are so persistent.” this voice echoes in my head. i can’t tell if it said anything, if there were words… or just echos and hissing sounds that resembled words.
“who are you!” I say.

There is a pause..
“I wanted you to suffer.. as I suffered.” the voice says.

the voice… it is the same from before… the voice.. it is my voice, I now realize. but it is not me who is speaking.
“you and Chrissy were supposed to be together.” the voice says now… more clearly. “Seven days from now…. was actually the day of your marriage. I was jealous… of how happy you two always were. i wanted you to know what is like. Four years ago.. the two of you began dating.. you both met in New York city… and were swept up in a rush of passion… shared passion for music… and something more… you dated for 4 years… then planed your wedding.”
“Who are you?” I say again.
“I am you.” he says.
“there is more then one reality” he says.
I was supposed to be with Chrissy….. NOT YOU” the voice says… it feels like i am being drawn into the spirit world for a moment as the voice explains this entire story “…..Back then… all those long years ago Chrissy and I were starting a relationship… however I made a small mistake…. a mistake that cost me everything… …… Now centuries later…. a strange coincidence… a new timeline was born… unusually similar to the one I came from… I had long since died, I wandered the spirit world.. Timelines diverge… but now and then they re-converge… but only us… the dead can see them. Watching over it all… full of regret. Unable to take our own dreams… we instead deny the dreams of the living as our revenge. Events diverge.. but lead back to the same ending… this new timeline… it was like my old one… only new… younger. This timeline… it created the chance for Chrissy and I to be reunited they way we were always meant to be. …however… the Chrissy and i in this new timeline… they were different… the same people in just about every way.. yet not the same souls. I would be cursed to forever watch over this other very similar timeline where all my dreams came true…. I died a long time ago. Cursed to wander this purgatory between worlds. To watch over you. You who was destined to become the me I should have been. I had nothing to give you… and every reason to want to hate! So i altered your timeline… right from the beginning… so Chrissy would reject you. I made her life more busy… and I altered her memories of love for you… she would see you as just another stranger and forget the moment of connection you shared. And slowly over the years… I infested your energy body… i drained you of life… it was so subtle you would never notice it… but over the years you felt it.. the pain … in your heart. It was never natural! Fool! You always blamed yourself! You never suspected! It was ME from the start. I have been killing you all this time! Slowly! Painfully. Ever so gently. Because I hate you!!! And I hate myself!!!!!” The spirit has a lot to say… but it is all shouted into me rapidly by his many hissing voices.. i hear it all.. but it is like a download a whirlwind of information, it’s like his memories are downloaded into me. Now I am back on my feet. Waiding in the river near my house.

I knew it never made sense!!… I knew it!! something never made sense… right from the beginning…. things had been so good between her and I.
The envelope and letter I read… it was like an ember of the time line that was supposed to take place. the sprites aren’t supposed to intervene… yet if their hate is strong enough… driven by love… they can alter the paths of the living. all along…. this dead thing … that is in a way ‘me’ has been taking my destiny from me… the density i always felt was mine to take.

“Early on … my original plan had been to posses you… to take over your body so though you i could be with Chrissy. However… i realized that I was unable to. Spirits can only influence this reality in very small ways. So i chaned my plan. i would take what mattered most. when you were a child… i influenced the tick to find you and give you Lyme’s Disease.. this event changed the course of our life. it effected your stamina. I also influenced your parents so they won’t notice it for an entire three months so that it could be more fully effective.” the voice explains.

I was angry… that any version of myself… in any time line… could turn out to be so petty! So pathetic!!!

“I had nothing to give you…. and every reason to want to take!!… because love is such a fragile thing.. all it took was a few small interventions, here and there… and your entire destiny was broken. You and Chrissy were destined to be married, and with the smallest change in your path… you lived your entire lives as strangers!! How pathetic it all truly is!”

“The more I watched you suffer… the more my spirit drifted away from the other side and closer to the world of the living… the great irony… Because we were already essentially the same person… Like a glitch in time, we became increasingly connected. My dead soul became bound to yours!! Now i am unable to pass fully into the afterlife until you have died as well! We are both stuck here togather!! Originally i just wanted to take what you had. but this … this is ‘s why I’ve been trying to kill you all this time!! So I can finally be at peace!!” He says.

“I’m not afraid of you.” I grin. “I’ve been waiting for this… All my life. A reckoning… with you the one who keeps getting in my way… the one who keeps fucking everything up!!” I shout.

“Oh?” The voice says. He is behind me… like a shadow … I still can’t see him.

“There is nothing you can do to me. That has not already been done. Nothing that can happen can be worse then that which has already come to pass.” I smile confidently.

“How arrogant… I can’t wait… to show you how wrong you are!!” The voice hisses… it is like many voices hissing through my mind.

“You and Chrissy went down opposite paths. You could blame me…. but all i did was give her a little push in the wrong direction.” The voice says.

“I don’t care!” I say back to the spirit. “No one loves you!” I grin sadistically. I’m trying to provoke it. You think your the only one who suffers. You think you are scary because you are dead. I am just as dead as you are! Even more so!

“Her path lead to death…” The voice hisses. “And so will yours!!!”

The spirit takes hold of me… many dark shadowy arms grab me by the head and hold me under the water. it drowns me… and i die. (but not before returning here to write this story.)


— Credits Roll —

*Call Me Maybe by Carly Rey plays*

Written by Zack Zwiebel

directed by Zwackery Zweevel

co directed by M Night Shamalan


Rise of Skywalker; Addressing Fan Hate; (and bonus Darth Jar Jar thesis)

My thoughts on the new star wars.

Sometimes I feel frustrated with the fan base of how much they hate anything. I feel happy to see star wars finally back after it’s fifteen year absence. There’s a lot I enjoy about the new movies, and many of the problems they do have are classic Hollywood storytelling limitations, like focusing on action instead of plot. Or using suspense to hide a lack of plot.


(You can really feel jar jar’s power in this shot. Props to JJ Abrams. Jar Jar is a real role model to adults and teens everywhere, Binks is a guy who can keep things lighthearted, but also channel immense dark side rage. Jar Jar is an Icon for edgy teens carrying the heavy responsibilities of millennial ambitions like getting better at mine craft and fortnight. Lonely fans identify with the way Jar Jar is hated on the internet, and being outcast by his own kind. And when Jar Jar reveals his true Sith self in Star Wars Episode 11, it inspires other outcast star wars fans to channel their own inner rage for political gain.)

The force awakens was like a copy cat movie, stalling to buy time. it didn’t do that many interesting things, maybe at the very beginning, like when kylo stopped that laser. Kylos force anger is comically exaggerated and actually makes him look childish and non threatening. The most terrifying thing about Kylo Ren is his absence of back story. The total absence of any reason to relate to him or justify his motivates, and it’s scary potential to derail the entire excitement of the story. Kylo Ren turns bad because “Snoke”? Do they realize how not interesting that is. People think good story is about powerful wizards and great battles…. but really it is about character. Game of Thrones… Lord of the Rings… those are actually stories about character development. The characters drive the stories in good stories… when the story is driving the characters the entire time… that becomes 2 dimensional.
I liked the last Jedi, but it felt like a filler episode at times, it was drawn out, the character development details were not there, even though I liked to plot. (they go on this whole crazy journey just to learn about ‘failure’ and it turns out the stubborn annoying general (Holdo) with her plan, was actually right) I liked that Luke has a struggle of faith, even though it was exaggerated over the top. They did not explain it well enough to justify. A kid goes bad, bam, Luke the great Jedi has a forever melt down, but it was an interesting concept. One of the best parts of the movie was when Luke talks about Palpatine, because it’s nice that they -finally- did something to show that these movies are connected and that Luke has had time to learn more about the past actually. But that only goes to show how much better and more detailed the old movies were, just being reminded of them was like the best part.


Rise of Skywalker

(spoilers, don’t read until you watch)

I loved it
when we see Kylo talk to Rey, and fight Rey, he redeems his character, he seems threatening.
i loved the return of Palpatine, even though it is missing all explanation, and was too obvious, too easy a choice, it fits thematically with the story of star wars, which is so important because Star Wars was at risk of loosing it’s theme, it’s purpose.


I loved JJ’s lost. and loved his ideas, but people have since pointed out that he is good at ‘creating suspense’ without unveiling much of anything. and you can see that with the sequel trilogy. however i just loved the new one. The first two movies are like filler episodes, you could condense them into 30 minutes and put this movie on top of it, and then call it something cooler like “Rise of Palpatine” because that sounds more creative and has a double meaning. Titles like “Last Jedi” “Skywalker” “Force Awakens” Those are all attempts to borrow on the previous greatness of star wars. they are ‘safe’ titles, as they are also ‘safe’ movies. Not so creative as “Attack of the Clones” “Revenge of the Sith”. You can tell just from the title that these movies are different then the previous ones. Even to someone who isn’t fully paying attention you look at the title and feel a bit discouraged because you know there won’t be anything truly new. (I think the words Sith and Clones were mentioned in the OT, but they were certainly not the focus, it was brave,or just natural, of Lucas to bring the creativity to explore those ‘history’ elements of the story)

there were many things in Rise of Skywalker that fit with the essence of star wars even though they lacked explanation that could have made it much more interesting. it leaves it open to imagination, but it would have been better with explanation. like when Palpatine says “I am all the Sith” that is really interesting, but they have never introduced this concept, and at no point is there further explanation of it. it has cool implications. It’s the same thing with Palp’s resurrection. We don’t see it on screen. that is just bad. his return is the most shocking part and we don’t even see they was people react to it. That aside, From the very beginning, and if you read the (Darth Plaguius book) they have suggested that Palpatine and his master were learning how to use the force to create life and defy death. but it would have been better if they had a flashback of Palatine falling down the shaft after Vader throws him. then somewhere else much latter, maybe on the sunken death star, or in his dark sith building on Exogol, he just ‘wakes up’ in this clone body that he had prepared ahead of time.IMG-3941 that would make sense. another less practical method, is that someone uses both technology and a sith ritual to conjure his spirit back into a new body, a new cloned vessel for him, sometime later, but I like to keep it on the technological side. there is opportunity for so much interesting technology, story, and philosophical dialogue, but they just don’t go there.

i like that idea that ‘intention’ can lead you to the light side or the dark side, even more so then action. if Rey kills Palatine out of desire for Revenge she could be possessed by the will of the Sith and the dark side, if she kills him out of necessity, to protect the people and the fleet, she is still true to the light side, her mortals. but they give this no explanation, and there is so much room for interesting dialogue around this. all that is to be expected with American action movies where they expect. It was just so much better then it could have been. And i was concerned more then once, like concerned Palpatine would die too easy, which did happen in one of JJ’s “Six endings” that they filmed. Episodes seven and eight were like two time watch movies. Meaning i watch them twice. where all the other star wars movies i could watch them once a year, so that’s like 20 watches. George created those movies. These movies have more classic Hollywood stile of action and less complex dialogue and world building detail. Hollywood thinks people don’t like that. It’s too much of a risk, a break from the formula, the formula of big exploding robots. So i feel we should encourage movies like this for going in the right direction. I never expected them in a million years to go with the “Rey is a Palpatine” twist, and that was exactly what myself and many other fans wanted. And i think Ryan Jonson’s idea was of having her be “Nobody” sends a really inspiring message that you can succeed without being from an important bloodline. But the Rey Palatine thing ties into the essence of star wars, that you are not your parents, you are not your past, you can change things. but it is scary because it means recognizing the temptation for the dark-side in you. There were many cool concepts they could have elaborated on but didn’t. But I’m still glad they put it out there.

IMG-3877It would have been cool is Palpatine after he drains Rey and Kylo, they are too week to do anything, so Palpatine boards a ship, and flys away somewhere, maybe there is some place he can go to increase his powers, or find a new apprentice, he becomes the “Emperor” again, or the “Supreme Leader”. That would be a cool moment, to have the old Palpatine return, now that he is juiced up on life juice. That way the movie has more plot, where before many of the different planets Rey goes to are just to draw out the suspense and don’t add anything to the story or characters. Cut that out. Palpatines return to being the Emperor could be like a stage three of the movie. Rey and Kylo experience failure. but now they are on the right course. they are united together. and the true evil is revealed. Palpatine gets a chance to demonstrate his political cunning, his ‘two faced’ nature, which is the reason he is interesting. and not just be this ‘classic evil monster guy’ that he is in the movie. In the prequels he was one of the most motivated and sophisticated two faced villains of all time. Here he is just ‘evil guy’.

Kylo’s death at the end of the movie is ok. but it’s just for drama. it’s like some ‘hack’ to make your movie seem like shakespeer. But they had an opportunity to further the ‘message and purpose’ of star wars. by having kylo has to live on with his sin and redeem himself. that would be interesting, like Boyaga stops being a storm trooper. Kylo now has to redeem himself, though there is way more to redeem for him. It would be cool, knowing people like Fin and Poe will hate his guts for a long time. But Rey will love him. I liked that they kiss, even though it doesn’t make sense because they have like very little dialogue after he turns good. People think dialogue is ‘mundane’ to ‘basic’ to be important. I like the kiss though because you can feel attraction without talking. and he sacrificed his life to bring her back.

But it would be more interesting to see them both living on together, redeeming the force together light side and former dark side working together. they learn to deepen their understanding of the force and accept things they couldn’t accept before. like some kind of link between the light and dark side, where before they were separate and divide. no one wants to forgive Kylo, but they need his help to stop Palpatine, and when people like Fin start to see the good in Kylo that helps strengthen them with the force. Getting past the anger and revenge stuff.

Now that Palpatine is seen to be a serious real danger, that the battle can potentially go either way, it’s more exciting to see this next fight because Palpatine has beaten them before and we don’t even know if he has played all his cards yet. He is going somewhere to become even more powerful. Maybe he is contacting some other sith. Or maybe like some kind of fallen Jedi, that would mirror Kylo as the former ‘sith’ kind of. Rey vs Palatine, Kylo vs fallen Jedi person. There seems to be this idea that the story has to revolve around Rey Kylo and some other big villain guy and you can’t introduce new ‘key’ characters, additional characters have to be majorly less significant then the main two or three. that limits the story. it is fear to show creativity. the Star-wars Prequels introduced new formidable opponents all the time. It felt like each movie had two major villains, it was dynamic, where the new star wars, there are only two or three villains, Palpatine, Snoke, Kylo, who are a true threat, and even then kylo is defeated in the first movie, and is unstable like a child.




In conclusion, what is the meaning of Jar Jar? George Lucas said, in the outrageously out of context statement “Jar Jar is the key to all this”. what did he really mean by that?

Over the decades Jar jar has played an integral role in star wars. His central position in starwars is only highlighted all the more so by his total absence from Epsidoes 7 to 9. While Jar Jar has disapred from the big screen, seemly taken a humble bow, his infamy on the internet is stronger then ever in recent years. “Good Gooo00oood” To quote the Dark Lord of the Sith, all hail my master Supreme Chancellor Palps. Binks has been at the heart of many memes and hilarious youtube videos.


Maybe Lucas meant that in their hated of Jar Jar, the fans themselves abandoned our Gungan friend. Jar Jar had little guidance, and screen time, and in his isolation he fell pray to the dark sides manipulations and granted emergency powers to Supreme Chancellor Palatine.

Which allowed the secret Sith lord to turn the Republic into the Empire, aka Disney. We abandoned jar Jar Projected our sadness over lost Original Trilogy nostalgia in the Prequels onto the goofy funny innocent Gungan. when the fans delved too far into their hatred, they awakened the Belrog of Kylo Ren. the  sad edgy over hyped Vader Copycat (Who is redeemed only by the great acting of Adam Driver).

The fans blinded by nostalgia for the Original Trilogy, projected their hatred onto Jar Jar, witch lead to haters on the internet, witch lead to Lucas handing Star Wars to Disney, witch lead to Disney rejecting Lucas’s Sequel Trilogy Treatments, because of fear that the fans hated Lucas’s newer ideas, and they coped the Original Trilogy in the new films to please the fans as they themselves say. They made safe movies.

As the philosopher Nitchie said “when tho doth hate Star Wars Prequels, be careful tho doth not becomith onto the dark side.”

Argo, we the fans, in our hatred of Jar Jar, we became Darth Jar Jar. We turned ourselves and star wars to the dark side, into the dark side Empire of Disney capitalism. Lucas foresaw all of this when he channeled the force through his high medichlorian count, thus the true meaning of his statement “Jar Jar is the Key to all this” finally unveiled decades later in a random blog post.




The truth is…


I am a fan of the prequels.



Star wars was already good. But the OT fans hated the Prequels so relentlessly for not being exactly like the originals, for being a wildly new and different kind of star wars story, that Lucas became discouraged and gave star wars to Disney. And Disney also felt uneasy to included any of Lucas’s ideas for this very reason. Ironically the fans who thought they hated Lucas’s ideas, hated the Disney films that were designed specifically to give them what they thought they wanted.



And finally Disney not knowing what to do for their third final film, finally went back to Lucas for help, and that was when they created a movie everyone could enjoy that actually went back to the heart of star wars. they didn’t even have to think that much. the material is already there, they just had to evoke it. All they had to do was bring back the “Sith”, just putting that word in the film was a risk they had not been willing to take before, because “Sith” is a prequel word. Yet it evokes so much lore, so much depth and history and demotion to star wars, what hte new movies were lacking.


Fans of the OT, raved on the Prequals for their ‘bad dialogue’, but the thing is that is so irrelevant, or at least secondary to what star wars is about. those movies sold so many copies, and inspired hundreds of EU novels. The OT fans came out about their hatred of the Prequels, and my generation, the ‘younglings’ of star wars, followed suit to our elder star wars fans. But those of us like me who grew up with the prequels, we loved them, and i even think Jar Jar is hilarious, Jar Jar is 1000 times more hilarious specifically because so many people hate him to this ridiculousness degree. but yeah, I’m glad that episodes II and III became more adult. Kid Anikin was not important to the story. It was like a marketing thing to make the movie appeal to children, even though Star Wars obviously has themes that are serious to the fullest degree.

Addressing the ‘bad dialogue’ of the prequels. that is something that can be learned from. not a sign that Lucas was some kind of unhinged creative gone off the deep end. as a visionary it’s not his job to get the specifics of dialogue, and he could have hired someone else to review his dialogue and improve it. it is something to learn from. not a sign of the end of star wars lol. but it became the end when fans attacked Lucas as a person. that was scary. to me he is still an idol.


You also hear about the overuse of ‘CGI’ witch is infuriating, because Lucas basically invented CGI. i saw a documentary about it. it is amazing. i had no idea. I thought he was just the idea man, but the company he started revolutionized the modern movie making industry into what it is today. and those movies use CGI in ways that are more fascinating then even most movies today use it. People should have been in awe of the CGI and instead it was criticized for going to far. But that is normal considering it was just invented for them to be excited about it.

When you look at the plot lines of the Prequels they are all so dynamic and exciting compared to the new trilogy. And there is all kinds of deeper meaning that isn’t even mentioned in the dialogue. Such as how on the surface Anakin is a spoiled brat, but in reality it is the Jedi who push him over the edge by being to strict. Anakin is a guy who is motivated by love, he loves his mother and wife, and the Jedi reinforce that he keep these feelings a secret rather then open up about them. It kind of reminds me of when people are really optimistic relentlessly all the time but hide their problems and can’t stand to hear others mention a problem in the world. The Jedi are ‘selfless’, yet they don’t have the whole picture. and when i wanted the movies as a kid i always figured Anakin was the bad one, and the Jedi were good, but over time watching this movie over the years there is so much more to glean from it. Palpatine pushes Anakin to the dark side by planting a vision of his wife dying into his head, and we never even get this ‘on screen’. but you can infer that it happened. as you can infer, that Palpatine only had so much influence over Anakin because his support system in Obi Wan and the Jedi Council was not actually that strong or emotionally deep. It was just like this absolute buddhim kind of “let go over everything” attitude, that sounds noble, but isn’t even human really. the Jedi were selfless, they saw themselves as beyond human.


The Sith are selfish. they channel the shadow self, and even though they are truly evil, they actually have a hidden message to teach the Jedi about something they do not understand or accept about themselves. the Jedi have abstracted themselves out of reality. and it is there if you look for it. when anakin says “I”M sorry Obi Wan, I’ve just been so frustrated with the council lately.” you see it, that he is missing a support system, and it is not because he doesn’t want one, it is the opposite, he wants the wisdom and guidance of the jedi, but he feels, he just knows something is missing. because being with Padame feels right, even though it is forbidden. he is driven by these big love emotions that make him powerful with the force, more so then other Jedi. because he doesn’t understand these emotions, he is turned to the dark side.

As a kid I always saw Obi Wan as the good guy, and he is a real role model and cool character, but in a strange way I always felt like Qui Gon gin was even cooler. and someone pointed out that Qui Gon understood the contradictions of the Jedi council, he was not a ‘grey Jedi’ but in fact the opposite, he was a true Jedi, he saw Anakins potential, but after he died, Obi Wan didn’t know what to do other then whatever the Council told him to do. Qui Gon was a Jedi who trusted his own intuition even over the collective advice of the council. we know little about him. but i like to think that he was more liberated, in a good way, liberated from the ‘hive mind’ kind of thinking.

The movies -never- take credit for how brilliant they are. there is no character in the movie who points it out (as you see in many anime), or puts into words what is really going on, their are so many gray areas, and it is up to the audience to see the deeper meanings.


As an aside, why is it that bilbo Baggins reminds me of my mothers mother (a round happy surviver of depression). and Palpatine reminds me of my fathers mother (paranoid, cunning, wise).

Palpatine “I have waited a loooong time for this… to welcome my grandson.”

“You will take a seat”

“You will eat a prune”

“We will chat while I play jeprody reruns all day in the background.”