the “real life of Zwiebel”
The truth is I have a lot I want to do for the world. I have more posts to write… more books to write.. and other things in my physical reality.. but life has been really hard these last five years. ….It’s a long story. The story of it all, what happened to me, it is totally wild actually. And a bit dark. I’ve been through a lot. And i have leaned a lot from it. My life has plenty of moral and emotional support.. but in terms of food money and a future place to live.. not so much. I feel I will be valuable to share my story. I haven’t really had the opportunity to share the true story of it all with many people. I am hoping to share even more in the near future about me, about the “real life of Zwiebel” as I call it sometimes. (My last name.)
I have a lot of physical problems but have been struggling for years to get a proper diagnosis.. and life has often pushed me way over the limit with expectations. struggling to afford basic needs.. forced to say in chaotic living situations that my mom was willing to pay for… where i don’t feel i was treated respectfully… I was treated according to her wishes and hopes for me. there has been a subtle improvement in the last few months after a complex negotiation to get out of a chaotic living situation. I’m struggling to make money to get enough food. And to really do the things in life that ‘give me energy’ and let me contribute something meaningful to the world. I spend a lot of time conserving food because i make 20$ less a week then i need for food. I only make 50$ a week right now because most of the money goes into housing. I have tried to get on government disability money and foods stamps but it has been a far more complicated process then i even feared. at one point i was making progress but had to move to a different state and then start over. In New York the phone calls are just automated.
I hope that my opinions about mental illness don’t come off as offensive… I can understand that if you find mental illness to be a helpful concept… if you have a diagnosis that has lended ‘clarity’ to your life… you deserve anything that has benefited you personally, I know people who feel their diagnosis has helped them explain behaviors or why they couldn’t connect with people as easily… I was diagnosed with something as a child and found it to be very unhelpful, not quite true, and simply straight up depressing. Just all together unnecessary.. and I felt this over the top childhood diagnosis it hurt many of my relationships growing up at a time when i still had much to learn about simply enjoying the company of people… this race to diagnoses people with “mental illness.” I see it a lot in the world, particularly with my generation and younger being those largely getting diagnosed… and it’s not something I’m fond of. still it is ok if you have a mental dismiss you have personally found to be helpful in your life, a diagnosis that was helpful at explaining things or improving your situation.
Also given challenges in my life even when i have time to write I have no time to prof read, correct typos.. that is why i often release writing with lots of typos.. thank you for so many who are understanding.. the typos are a symptom of the ongoing chaos in my physical life, body issues and chaotic reality.. and not because i don’t ‘value’ the art of writing and communicating to people.
I used to imagine that one day i would give a Ted talk, speak publicly about subjects, like the epic of over-diagnosis of mental illness and out it effects how we feels about ourselves and other people. The side effects of medications.. weight gain.. and the physiological manipulation aka ‘peer pressure’ behind it all ironically reinforced by people who are supposed to be the designated “psychiatry” experts. It’s crazy how powerless I became.. despite having so many important things to share. Things the world needed to hear. It was even harder to accept my situation when i knew i wasn’t the only one suffering. I had come out of a childhood misdiagnosis that had impacted all my relationships… and i had so much to say and offer.. and yet now so many others would be left… thinking they were “ill” that they were simply “wrong in the brain” when this concept had never been based on since.. Mental illness.. it was a business. This fascination with the mind.. and hunting for problems in the ‘brain matter’ seemed to distract from understanding the physical and emotional realities of the world within us, and simply understanding my own feelings about life. In the race to make a “mental diagnosis” you might overlook a physical problem.. or emotional conflict the child has.. Also many of these “child mental illness” can be a way of scapegoating communication or social issues in the entire family, making these family social emotional connection troubles about the physical ‘brain matter’ of the child creates a complex trauma in the child’s mind that can multiply on top of emotional troubles that may already exist in the family. You have a ‘shy’ child that now believes they have a physical synaptic connection error in their brain that can make them feel even more alienated.. even more likely to give up on connecting with their peers. The diagnosis itself can compound upon fear or even cause a kind of ‘mental inferiority complex’ where one may not have existed before. that word, ‘complex’ really says it all. the whole thing is very complex. When the feelings underneath it can be very simple… and I’ve learned over the years that the feelings are what connect me to people.. not all that complex mental stuff. When you are used to suffering… feeling life can feel almost too easy.. almost too simple.
Mass diagnosis of mental illness can also be a way of scapegoating issues in society itself.. America and our value’s as a society. Many mental illness and learning disabilities have a flip side to them such as.. “if it wasn’t for this you would be “smarter”” “if it wasn’t for this you would be more productive” “more attentive at school” “more productive at work” “more profitable for society” “this diagnosis will help you to get back on track.. to become a smarter and more productive individual of society” “this diagnosis will help you address your “challenges” so you can self-improve your way to a more “successful” life.” We get into this rut of thinking we are ‘inherently’ wrong or bad. and that with lots of devotion to ‘self-improvement’ the world will love us more. We don’t take a lot of time to ‘appreciate’ the good that already is right here inside ourselves. they good we feel as children. it gets pushed out of the way so we can be more “positive” all the time.. so we can “aim higher”. Joy.. i don’t have time for that. I have “goals” to accomplish. It feels scary when people who are “there to help” only want to talk about your long term bigger ambitions and creative goals when you don’t even make enough money to eat properly. When you are designing between food and toilet paper. lets “get off this negative stuff” they will say. “It can’t really be that bad because if it was.. somebody would have done something about it right?” “Why is this important now? You’re probably just worrying too much. You’re worrying too much… it will all work out… later.”
It’s not just the problem that is wrong.. but the solution and the objective are also wrong. There are two sides to every story. It’s taken me many years to get out of that mind set.. so many people wanted me to become smarter and more productive.. and i wasn’t even fully aware of what had been driving me all that time… It took me a long time to realize that those values were hollow.. that the illness they diagnosed me with probably never existed to begin with… most of it was just the trauma and the aftershock of the childhood limes disease i had… They convince you at a young age you have “a life long problem” and will need medication for the rest of your life. and this is very profitable for the pharmaceutical companies… and for the very large amount of therapy and personal social workers my mom was willing to pay for.. all in service of this problem that never actually existed.. that went away the moment i was around my genuine friends.. when my heart was ‘in it’. Over the years I’ve learned to say not “how can i be a more productive person” rather “how can i be a more loving person” “how can i better honer and appreciate the goodness that is already inside me and already around me”
There has been a growing amount of proof that much of what we call “mental illness” is not scientific. Even though the behaviors are real.. it doesn’t mean that there is a physical synaptic error or what they call a “chemical imbalance” in the brain. there is no evidence of this what so ever. No brain scan that has proven this. Researchers have debunked it and given Ted talks about this.. but the companies are too profitable. They sway and pressure popular opinion. And companies are far too eager to sell lots of medications to fix this supposed “physical synaptic chemical balance” problem when the medications have so many harmful side effects (and they admit the chemical imbalance doesn’t explain anything and many of the causes of supposed mental illnesses that are so frequently diagnosed across huge groups involved lots of unknown complex factors in the brain).. and a simply placebo would be far less harmful. There are even Ted talks about it. But corporations are powerful.
For a long time I had been protected from it. I had options.. to think for myself. to not take meds in whatever context they were being offered.. As I’ve gotten a little older I’ve quickly become aware of something not feeling quite right.. the way in which capitalism really is a powerful force in the world. It’s sad that corporations can become very powerful and wealthy .. and present themselves like heroes.. having your best interests at heart… and have that not be the case.. to have pills forced into your body even when you’ve clearly said many times that it is causing you physical pain and severe problems. These corporations care about “you” and “your health”. I see it in so many categories of life.
How we are supposed to be this “democracy” yet big business his this psychological effect and influence on majority opinion… who gets elected… what we think of as right and wrong.. it’s scary when large amounts of money are behind something that is supposed to be about human health or well being. But what’s more scary is the way that unless you are really suffering.. you don’t even seem to notice that anything is wrong in the system. Some people are never given a chance. We are a democracy yet we keep electing people who’ve always been rich and related to other rich people.. people groomed for success… Profit is often behind what we think of as “success” and even though it is hollow it has a way of pushing aside our more basic needs… but we don’t see it because it’s so all pervasive. “I work this job every day because I am “responsible” “because i am “good””. Big companies provide so many jobs. The jobs are often provided by people who value profit. Not people, or a system that values love, things like “community values”, kindness, well being, physical health and longevity, etc.
We tend to value things like “productivity” and “pushing the limit” in America, even at the expensive of health. We are valued for being productive, for some large quantity of our physical or verbal contribution, and not for our health and the actual way we make people feel. “being productive” “staying motivated” It all sounds very inspirational.. and that’s what’s so confusing about it all.. it can become rather hollow… you have a very “productive” day.. and yet.. something is still missing. Because life never needed to be so hard. …We grow up learning to make it hard. The system is set up that way. There are lots of gray areas. But i have to speak my mind. Everything is all well and good when you are on the “right side” of it.. and then suddenly.. bam, you get injured.. something happens… but you don’t have a “diagnosis” suddenly you can’t afford to do anything. The system has no place for you.
You get treated like a villain just for being disabled. “Stop being unmotivated”. If you were “motivated” and “responsible” you would push through this and get back to work. I knew I had a responsibility to my own health.. but day after day.. that didn’t seem to matter. To have your body give out and be in so much pain.. yet people around you keep pushing you do to thinks… and even after you’ve burnt out completely… the pushing still continues. I’ve found the concept of “motivation” to be a scary thing at times… like an excuse to ignore our own human well being. “something isn’t right in my life… but i put in a lot of work.. people value me for my effort and drive.. so at the end of the day i know i am valued.. so i won’t worry about the burn out and emptiness i feel because i know it is for the ‘greater good'” but is just ignoring that ‘feeling’ that ‘whisper of the soul’ actually right. Keeping up with society can be very difficult.. so it feels like this amazing success to overcome the hurdles and thrive at your job.. to make money… but it still doesn’t answer a more basic question.. is this job we are doing.. right? as in right for the world ourselves and each other.
Most of us can’t ask this question because we are lucky to get a job at all. Yet that doesn’t mean we should give up all togather on asking the question, is this right? I know that my job in no way utilizes my full capabilities and value as a person or value to society.. but that doesn’t’ mean i can’t use my spare time to do something meaningful. It just feels scary that I’ve met a lot of people who felt what they were doing was right just because they were getting paid to do it. Like it was right to force people to take medication against their will because it was “for their own good”. You can have a hard and challenging job.. but that doesn’t actually mean it is right. Sometimes a challenging activity can actually be wrong for the world. I often hear people say the phrase “challenge yourself”. Yet I’ve seen it get taken pretty far out of context. It’s very deceptive when “challenge” can feel meaningful.. yet not actually make life more rewarding.
For me one of the most profound and challenging things in my life was to actually let go of this idea that life was supposed to be “challenging” that life is a constant “grind” or else there are no results. this “pain is gain” type thing. You get so used to “feeling the burn” “pushing the limit” “finding your edge” that you forget that your purpose in life is supposed to be deeply enjoyable… You forget that joy is the goal. The joy diminishes as you continue to challenge yourself, working out more, mediating more, letting go of things you love, but you tell yourself that “this pain will pay off later”. In truth … my most powerful healer .. has been joy.
It was strange.. how for years the strength of my motivation and drive to succeed had actually taken me away from “joy” … It was hard to accept that all that time i had been wrong.. when my body finally “crashed” it became obvious to me.. i was causing my own suffering… and i never needed to suffer. And yet there were still those in my life who after all this felt i should continue on just as i had. It was like this strange secret inside me.. I realized that i didn’t have to suffer to become a stronger person.. and people found it strange or even frustrating how I could appear be so lazy in my new philosophy on life, just ‘hanging around’ so much of the time, not seemly doing anything in particular.. yet be so creatively prolific and also perspective about things, emotions, situations, others didn’t seem to notice.
I remember my friend, my roommate Lucas saying “it’s really funny they way you notice things about the situation and turn it into humor.” and i said “sorry.. your mistaken.. I don’t read social situations.. I’m Autistic” It became like this on going joke. At one point this girl was basically asking my out.. and my friend is next to me grinning, and i say “Sorry.. I don’t know what your smiling at.. I can’t read social cues.” All those years my parets setted for “autims” as a good expalion for anything. as though i simply didn’t feel empathy or couldn’t read social cues. when ever was that the case.
I didn’t have a strong connection with my family.. and i got intimidated by the popular kids at school.. but that was only because i wanted to connect with them, because i was dying to get to know them. not because i couldn’t “feel empathy” or that i didn’t “know” the expressions they were making. i always knew. i didn’t couldn’t keep up back then, i didn’t have a clever come back, i didn’t have a witty remark. i wasn’t as funny as the other kids. Why was my mom so quick as so satisfied by the idea that something was wrong with my brain when i was 12? finally she had an explanation for why i didn’t always respond to her right away, why our interactions felt 2-dimensional at times. An explanation for what she didn’t feel connected to me. it was my fault. i was autistic. the doctor smiled and back her up on it. heard her side of the story.. and profited from her money. oh her money. One time she was upset that i was ignoring her and she took me to the doctor to get my hearing tested. the really thought something was wrong with my hearing. but because “hearing” is not a mental illness.. they confirmed that nothing was wrong and this was a surprise to her. Why was i the “autistic” one who didn’t notice things.
I was a kid. Kids don’t know anything. people told me “candy isn’t healthy.” “be social” “don’t miss the moment!” “video games are not healthy!” but it was a simple and strict way to do things. people didn’t tell me “why”. like “sugar is an additive chemical that over days and months can change the way you feel emotions, relate to others, and form explanations about what makes you healthy and happy.” or “technology adds lots of excitement to life, but actually in large quantities can become a dopamine feed back loop in your brain, not giving you real happiness, distracting form your real life.. slowly yet subtly taking away from your “real” happiness.” There were rules without explanations. Even as a kid i was very smart and could have understood this.
once i had limes disease but my parents didn’t even notice for three months until i was basically dying. that was growing up. and it only got worse, this whole “mental illness” reality we live in, when i started to develop physical problems much later. My strategies to meet people in life had not payed off.. and i was becoming increasingly exhausted.. people accused me of not trying hard enough when it was the opposite, and it became an opportunity for them to lay multiple new “mental diagnoses” on me. It had never made sense to begin with. I had spent my life debunking the befits of mental illness diagnosis.. and now it was like they were cranking up the volume on it even louder.. like a comedic tradgity.
I think sometimes the after effects of major physical illness or injuries.. or even simply something like “emotional trauma” is often mistaken for “autism” and diagnosed prematurely. Rather there is almost some kind of hunger or panic to know the problem that never needed to be known. A temporary physical and emotional trauma becomes a life long mental problem. i see it so often in myself and people around me it has become like this joke almost only me and a few of my close friends can get. The joke isn’t to make fun of autistic people or people anywhere on the spectrum.. but rather to make fun of society itself and it’s constant need to make everything mental.. to diagnose illness.. and the kind of underlying sadness of looking for problems and solutions in the wrong places.
Any time I’m watching a fictinal series on TV and a character gets injured in a fight or gets physically ill and they are not having a quick recovery I’m like “I think ti’s time that we inform them that they are “on the spectrum.” they need to know that we ..care.. about their… recovery.” It’s kind of funny to think about bat-man getting injured in a fight.. like more then usual.. like something internal that involves a strange poison.. it takes a few months to ‘flush it out’.. during this time bat-man is becoming more reclusive.. and then a concerned friend calls a doctor.. and helps batman out by giving him a diagnosis of “High Functioning Autism” that then goes on to effect the rest of his life. The autism pills help bat man to cure the autism.. but slow don’t his reaction time in combat. it sounds funny.. but stuff like this is happening more often then you would care to know.
Bat man is able to flush out the poison.. but now it takes him another ten years to convince the doctors that he is not autistic because they have already made up there minds.. and during this time he develops and insecurity complex… he he is in fact autistic because the poison has tainted his brain… it’s just a kind of paranoia.. but the situation went on for too long.. it got traumatic and now bat man isn’t sure what is real and what isn’t. but his friends are hear to help.. and he gets lots of therapy to help with his autism. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with being autistic.. yet because Bat Man doesn’t have the symptoms of autism he doesn’t want it to become common for his friends and associates to think he is autistic and to treat him differently. And yet because so many people catch the word about batman’s autism.. he is treated differently.. and it adds to the paranoia that he has in fact become something different and less then other people.
The poison is gone from his body now.. yet people treat him like it is still there.. so he starts to internalize that it is in fact still there. People slow down the meetings so “bat man” can understand. Even though he is still bat man for the most part at night. During the day.. his friends treat him like he is ‘slow’ in the mind. At night his instincts kick in and he goes back to fighting crime… yet in the light of day.. he start to fear he has become socially inept. He makes up for this by continuing to do what makes him feel confident… fighting crime.. yet the more time he spends doing this.. it only continues to make him feel unconfident when he is simply in the company of friends and other people socially. It doesn’t’ make an sense.. given how skilled and capable he is.. but something just ‘tenses’ up when he is around people. But a life time of talk therapy and pills are what the doctor prescribed.. and bat man is committed now.
on the one hand it’s a joke.. yet it’s also a way I keep pointing out societies constant need to ‘mentalize’ physical and emotional changes of life. And to make temporary problems permanent illness. Because if we can ‘mentliaze’ it we can ‘know’ it, we can ‘solve it’ .. yet the physical rleity gets blocked out. It’s “all in your mind” as they might say. Really the mind is just a simulation. yet saying it is all in the mind makes us feel like we are in control. It is a total contradiction. they can’t see their own reflection. doctors diagonals all these illness. protected behind a wall of material wreath and comfortable “materialistic science” they trust in what they can see and know. they tell you “stop worrying.. it’s all in your mind” and by doing that they keep you in your mind. hunting around to see “what went wrong in your thinking”. as though it was ever in your thinking.
Most people just want to feel loved and connected. “thinking” isn’t the root cause. Loneliness is. thinking a lot is just a symptom. a side effect. (unlike the medications which have potent negative “effects” they brush off as “side-effects”.) the older generation and doctors, the authorities in your life.. those who should be the keepers of wisdom.. they tell you to “get out of your mind.” But it has the reverse effect. but the probelms, the “feelings of disconnection” never came from your midn to begin with. Often the probelms they assign to you came from the minds of others. Saying “you silly over thinker.. stay out of your mind!” It has a reverse effect of keeping you in your mind. Wondering what you are doing wrong. “Where did i go wrong in my thinking?” When your instincts and impulses could actually be right.
The world is conditioning you. the older generations. the psychiatric industry. big pharma. Doctors who say everything is “in your brain”. it’s the ultimate cop out. it minimizes the physical reality. the inherent trauma of being alive on a spinning rock in the void of space. Life is fragile. We live in this “epidemic” of mental illness. So they say. Why do we have that when we are this rich happy country? Lets philosophize about that… The real question is… Why do we think we are ill in the first place? Because they the previous generation told us we are? Because they can’t stop thinking and worrying and projected their probelms on to us. and we internalized it. thinking we could control our parents emotions if we were “really good.” The so called “epidemic” of mental illness.. is manufactured by the drug companies. Who can’t stop seeing the world through their materialistic lense.
Society is ruled by the 1% and poor people don’t have probelms… it’s all “in your mind”.. aka it’s all “mental illness”.. doctors have converted “ignoring the probelms of others” into a sophisticated science. “You have a problem? just kidding… you just imagined it! now pay us to tell you so! to drug you and convince your families you are crazy.” even though this is logically inconsistent and it has never been the case with you.
I joke around a lot that “mental illness” is “trendy”. We are so happy to embrace the idea something is wrong with us. Now we have something we can work on.. we can fix. Then our parents will approve. To put it simple. what we call “Mental illness” is an over-complicated and abstract concept. There is no ‘brain scan” that offers physical prof of a synaptic error in your brain in the vast majority of cases. unless you have actual brain damage.. which is more obvious. aka Mental retardation.
don’t assume something is wrong in your brain. or that your brain can’t heal. The brain is alive. But it isn’t your primary power source. The heart produces an energy field that is larger then the brain and produces a stronger voltage. the body is electric.
If you want to improve your life. get healthy. think about what you eat. avoid a sugar rush. don’t stay on the computer too long. think about what is simple and real. don’t spend years using drugs or your own thoughts to find out what “went wrong” in your brain. nothing is wrong in your brain. most of life is driven by craving and raw emotion. get to the emotion. get to your heart. what is really going on. don’t let them keep you spinning.
“don’t think too much”… “it is all in your mind” it’s like one of those “truthful statements” that is constantly being taken out of context. “I’m poor.. I don’t have a good plan for my future. I have an undiagnosed medical condition” … “don’t worry.. it’s all in your mind.” You keep thinking about not thinking.. it is a total oxymoron. a paradox. they tell you “stop looping”.. but they are the loop. they are in your head. all those “wise voices” that taught you what to think growing up.
My intention was never to be “lazy” .. yet it became more clear to me that society was actually demonizing what i now found to be essential success traits. Sometimes a lazy day can be protective… but then we stop showing our “lazy” side to others because we don’t want to feel shamed or insulted. we don’t want to get caught not being productive. And yet this shame and fear of peer invalidation effects how we ‘follow our feelings’ and our ability to make creative choices. I realized all my life i had been doing things because of some kind of ‘mass social influence’ not wanting to let people down.. not wanting to be called lazy. Finally i was just lazy.. and that was ok. (just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it is good for the world)
It’s scary when the world wants to make you smarter and more productive .. yet doesn’t seem concerned about your more basic needs. I’ve seen other people who are supposedly “autistic” yet i can see how like me they are stuck in a state of perpetual panic and mental solutions that disembody them from their feelings and heart center. the flow of energy between people. People are labeled as “autistic” or a variety of other illness such as “add” or “bipolar”, that often consist of ordinary behaviors, often learned through family relationships… given labels because they are not attentive enough at school…, school which prioritizes intelligence, over emotions and social relationships, once again “brain” over “heart”.
Autistic people learn to be very intelligent to supposedly do what society wants.. yet their challenges are noting more then a symptom of society itself. And unlike me many people will never have the opportunity to “come down” out of the panic, out of the elevated state that involves thinking you need to be better or smarter then you are all the time. Never able to come down out of the trauma of it all. The ongoing emotional trauma of feeling disconnected from the meaningful relationships in life. Because there lives are simply too busy… and frequent business is valued in society. I find that so many cases of what we call “autism” are ‘learned behavior’ from the values of society around us. What we externalize or scapegoat as “child illness” it is inherent in the larger system. Yet doctors are quick to drug up children.. and it is very profitable. But even as a good person… it is hard to fight the system… for many it is easier to simply nod an go along with it. I know many good people who could do nothing to stop it. I see others struggling socially like once did and if i had a more stable home and financial life… I would be able to help them from a place of strength.. and enjoy doing it…
I’ve tried a variety of ways to make a little extra money that doesn’t include working additional hours of some kind of strenuous time consuming menial labor… nothing that would be hard for me a person likely to burn out… Even just something that would generate a few extra dollars every week or so. I’ve looked for ways to ‘innovate’ a little, around this concept of making money, getting creative with ways to bring in a few extra bucks. and i have been surprisingly unsuccessful. I’ve tried about five different methods of making money online… and am surprised to have turned 0$ after a few months. technically i made 2$ on a questing website… but i found it was not a reliable way of making money… the amount of time it took didn’t make it worth while for a few dollars. But i still had fun in the process. And there is still more to try out. But any help would be seriously appreciated. There is a possibility that in a few months i will be able to get on food stamps. But help until then would make a difference.
Around seven years ago i was culminating on a much bigger vision of what i wanted to do for the world. I was very spiritual and still am. I was learning so many things… and had significantly shifted out of the shy person i used to be who always felt ‘cut off’ from the relationships in my life. I never really told anyone… but i had learned so many profound things.. things had held me back.. and yet no one had really stepped forward in my life to illuminate silly things i was doing that were holding me back. Like being too self critical. Thinking i needed a “big transformation” or that socializing hat to be difficult. The irony is most of my life i was trying way to hard in regards to people.. and that was why i was getting less results.. i was conditioned over and over to think that socializing was supposed to be difficult.. it has to be easy.. that is the only way it can be. if it feels difficult then you aren’t doing it write. you are not in the animal of your body, you are out of the emotions and into the mind.. as society told me to be. I was making obvious mistakes.. but society was telling me to go right on ahead.. just keep trying harder.. the problem is “you are not motivated enough” so “try harder” like “try way harder.” that was the advice i was consistently getting. It was a total mindfuck.
The advice society gave me kept me in constant burn out.. in a delusion where simply socializing with people was way harder then it needed to be. There were always more solutions for me to try … and it just feed into the illusion that a problem had ever existed in the first place.. it all kept me ‘feelin’ the problems.. and using my mind to fix them. It kept me insecure. in a lie. Making friends was so much easier the the world made it to be. It feels like I could write a whole article on the advice society gave me and how it kept me spinning in the nonsense. You also seem to hear a lot about how things like fun and relaxation are basically “laziness” and how you should be accomplishing something … all the time. It is a scary kind of validation seeking type thing.. and it’s long sense been forgotten where it actually came from.. that it isn’t acutely helping. It often felt like my passions were silly or a distraction from reality. Liking girls.. that’s a “fantasy” stop that. Writing books.. that’s not “real” .. stop talking about that.
It felt like some of the adult figures in my life were often looking for an “error in my brain” to try and explain why i had felt cut off from people growing up. what i had a hard time meeting women.. mainly. And in my own mind.. it was like a meta-version of the same thing.. I was often looking for the “error” i was making in my thought process. What none of them seemed to realize.. what that i had already amalgamated the best of their advice and was applying it to myself.. trying to find what i was doing wrong..how i could improve.. what skills i could implement.. but it was all in vain. it was a complex. it wasn’t real. The fear.. put in to me from the outside.. it became me.
Society had conditioned me to be like this. and it took me until i was 25… i remember it so well. when i finally became to notice that the whole thing was type of “complex”. It was really emotional.. even more then it was mental. and the irony of it all want that nothing was ever “wrong” and a part of me had always known that. It felt so profound and important. And i could see it now more clearly that many people around me were struggling … people my age.. having a hard time ‘feeling connected’ to people, just as i had for so long. When you feel like it is constantly difficult to have deep meaningful connections with people… when you around new people and it feels scary for some reason… like they could be judging you…. this is a kind of panic response.. but i never noticed it was there.. that i had this hidden panic response that was actually what had been cutting me off from deeper connections the whole time…
there had never really been anything wrong with my ‘skills’ or my ‘tactics’ or my ‘talking points’… there was this far more important thing underneath it all…. that i often ‘felt empty’ with my home life… and when i felt i liked a group of people.. i would still shy away from them… choosing to continue to go home and feel empty inside… but the thing getting in my way was this panic response… that only happened when i was around groups of people i liked… in those moments when i ‘felt’ meaningful connection was possible… part of my would stiffen up… and start employing all these ‘social tactics’. I had never truly relaxed around a group of people.. so i didn’t know what that felt like.. it can really feel magical.. it is magical in a way. And i could see now that people around me were like me… it was hard to get out of that “fight or flight” mode… that panic, stiffen up, go blank, mode.
I would go blank around people often.. yet it was only because i placed so much emphasis on the words… All this heart energy gets funneled up into the mind…. I was spending energy reaching for something i never needed to begin with. for all this time. it’s scary… how normal it is.. to spend your entire life time doing stuff like this. to use words like badges of justification to give people an excuse to like you. like other people in my family had… I never needed it… because humans are social as a species.. it gets complicated when we “think” we are not good at being social. yet we rely on the kind of energy feedback loop we get from each other. it is a source of life. yet it is not there to be earned and proven worth of. it is just there to be enjoyed. and it took me so long to notice this basic fact. that i could simply “enjoy” being around people… and that was all it took… that was the most fundamental thing.
for 20 years what i had devoted so much time to improving (social skills, talking to women, writing long complex fantasy novels to ‘get famous’ because that might help me get a hot girlfriend lol)… what i had thought was a “strategic” problem… had been an emotional trauma. It feels traumatic when you are consonantly afraid you can’t have deep meaningful connections in your life. and that’s just what it is. it is about relationship. it isn’t about you. you think it is. it is about something much bigger. relationships is bigger then the neurons in your brain. it isn’t your fault if your body is frozen in a fear response. but you have the power to change it.. but that means knowing it isn’t your fault.
being stuck in “fight or flight” isn’t a problem in your brain. it’s not a mental illness. it’s a deep primal nervous system response. you can teach your body to calm down in situations where it becomes tense and your mind scatters. It is scary.. like loosing your identity.. but you can learn that you don’t actually need to do a thing. You don’t need drugs and psycho therapy. you don’t need an endless stream of “permanent” brain illnesses diagnosed in the minds of 12 year olds to shape there thinking for life. it’s not your fault it happens.. but you can change it.. but changing it mean’s recognize that it isn’t your fault. it is a choice or a mistake you consciously made. it was there in you from the beginning. or at least it is like this for many of us.
Society covers a massive expansive group with the term “mentally ill” and this creates this.. impression.. that everyone else is normal. So we try harder, and harder to be like those “normal people”.. Following to some extent.. the advice they give us. As far as it applies to us.
Feeling disconnected has to do with how you are raised.. it’s a whole family dynamic.. and really a dynamic in the lager society. it isn’t an illness in your mind. When the illness is identified.. it creates a decoy.. a symptom.. a straw man.. that keeps us focused inwards.. distracted from what we want. to simply know that we are “already awesome” and free to speak about our passions with others.. play by our own rules.. and go directly for the results we want.
When it continues on like that. when you talk to people.. yet always feel afraid that it isn’t genuine. often it is there right from the beginning. because really so much energy comes from human connection. I sued to think ‘genuine’ connection meant talking about a deep subject for an extensive period of time… yet it’s funny how little it can take… just eye contact and a few simple and jokes now and then, told for my own enjoyment as much as the joy of others.. making observations about the feelings of other people around me… or events around me.. humor in the little things… and you can feel very connected… it has so much more to do with how people make you feel.. and how you make yourself feel, how what you think about and value makes you feel moment by moment.. then how many words were spoken or even what was said. But something tricked me.. right from the beginning…. i grew up learning how important it was to be smart and successful.. and i always felt afraid to have a conversation without demonstrating that i could be both… all that time it had distracted me from the truth. People don’t want “successful smart productive” friends who make them feel tense or uneasy because they are so good at life it hurts. Those aren’t the most primary qualities we look for in a friend.. or in anyone really. People want to be happy. But sometimes we don’t even know that ourselves.
There were never synaptic errors in my minds.. mental illness. learning disabilities.. i never made sense.. but it took most of my life to truly understand why. the thing that disconnected me form people was never more then a “fight or flight” response.. one that was to deep and intrinsic to my way of life.. i never thought to question that it was there.. until i began hearing more about “trauma therapy” and getting what that was just from randomly being around people who were talking about it.
I never noticed the “fight or flight or freeze” response because it was unconscious and it only happened in specific situations.. around large groups of people, new people, or people I perceived as popular… it was less likely to happen with people i knew.. yet it would happen more in “higher energy” situations.. but it would just leave me thinking i was “stupid” not knowing the acutely reason i “froze” up. School conditions you to think like this. “I must just not have been smart enough.” That is why i am not being validate here. i need to be getting a better grade in this social interaction (subconsciously). Maybe i really do have a “brain illness”. Both of these things take you into your mind.. thinking you need to be smarter.. thinking you might have a hard wired synaptic illness.. It keeps you thinking.. and kept me distracted from noticing how i was actually feeling.. it kept my body very stiff.. society keeps you thinking.. and that actually makes it more likely for people to precise you as “autistic” or some other form of “mentally ill” … even through the values of society itself are causing this behavior. The pressure to be smarter.. causing you to you to respond and tackle the disconnected feeling in this manner.
Back then i didn’t notice that much how i ‘felt’ around people.. and a rarely took the time to actually ‘enjoy’ the company of people when i was in new situations… I wanted to know what people were thinking, i wanted to be able to speak more, to follow the complexity of it all.. yet that just felt so complicated. In group situations… i would freeze up.. and not even know what was happening. i didn’t know it was fear. because the fear was so old.. it had always been there… from birth. It was fear.. but also with misguided values placed over-top the fear. i was focusing everything on the words, the dialogue between people, and nothing on the feelings.. what do others actually want? what do i actually want? There was this stiffness. this fear inside me. yet i didn’t identify it as an emotion. and to not have it be there any more… was profound. If you had asked me back then if i was afraid around people… i never would have said so. I never felt afraid.. because i couldn’t feel my own emotions. I had been rendered so stiff.
Now everything was shifting. and this felt so profound.. I felt that i might become some type of guru… simply because everyone needed to know about this… the way i had been living life up until this point felt so backwards. Its hard to be struggling so much with both food money, finding long term housing, in addition to physical disabilities… not being able to get help or a diagnosis for that. Everyone in my life thinks it is someone else’s job to help with that stuff.. they help me within the boundaries of what their job position allows. When the doctor can’t help you.. it falls on you to be your own doctor. and I’ve got myself out of many difficult salutations.. and brought vitality back into my life when for months i was paralyzed in bed. So much of it had to do with subtle body awareness. maybe i don’t need to be a guru. but often feel there is more i can do to give back. It has to involve a more stable income.
UPDATE: I have saved a lot of the money and improved my health and focus by quitting both caffeine and sugar drinks. (By a lot i mean 10$ here and there a week) This has allowed me to save money to eat at home.. so my life can have more of a normal rhythm.
You can read more about my story here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/8ayqm-healthy-life
I’ve dealt with chronic pain a lot in my life. Events that led to ongoing physical pain and or discomfort depending on the situation. I have fake teeth that cause me pain depending on the situation. I have chest pain. I also had five years of chronic irritation from a skin tare that nearly made me give up on life, but I was able to heal it by (essentially) going on adventures with people in the outdoors, in nature, going to places, concerts and festivals that specifically ‘spoke to me’ emotionally, events that ignited my passions. Believing that FUN was still possible in my life and that the pain would not be an obstacle. The pain convinced me that the life i wanted would no longer be possible. So i stopped really going for the things i wanted in life. and ironically that ended up giving more reality to the pain, making it hold me back a lot more then it actually needed to. I think everyone that has some kind of long term chronic pain has to face this conflict. Does my life still matter? Can i still do the things i want to do? Do i need to ‘abandon’ my dreams, or is part of that dream still possible?
It was difficult to move beyond that skin irritation thing, but i did, it began in high-school, but then in my mid twenties, I began having chest pain (related to Lyme’s Disease) and dental pain from an operation, both around a similar time. And this was intense, the chest pain was shot and intense, the dental pain was ongoing, effecting my conversations and passions. there was also a bout of chronic exhaustion. making it hard to work. it was a whole different kind of beast. and once again people told me it was “all in my mind”. i had celebrated the healing of my former chronic pain, i was ready to give speeches and like ted talks lol about the obstacles i had overcome, about the story of how i thought i would never live without pain again, but i had found a way to.. but this, this time i wasn’t sure i could heal what i was now facing.
I remember having dreams about the skin irritation pain where it used to be located in my body back around the high school days, dreams about being consumed by it, defeated by it until i felt hollow inside, as it had been back then. i didn’t understand the meaning of these dreams for years. that was something in the past, something i had overcome.
Over time i realized there were still similarities between the two or three different sources of chronic pain i encountered in my life. this new pain felt insurmountable, but i began to belie that maybe the dreams were telling me it was more related to the old pain then i thought, that i could heal it the way i healed the old pain, but it would mean a kind of deep ongoing acceptance, hitting the wall, and then just finally accepting the reality and not fighting it, as i had finally done before. i had grown attached to the idea that my life only had that one major obstacle to fight and overcome, and i was happy to have finally made peace with it, i didn’t feel there was room were these new sources of chronic pain… but when I applies the same method to it as i once had before, i realized there was hope for a similar kind of healing.
Something I’ve noticed many times over the years of my life… being a person who has survived Lyme’s Disease among other things, dealt with long term chronic pain:
Thinking itself can lead to pain in the body. If thoughts and worries surround the pain, this can have a way of ‘growing’ the pain to nearly unlimited degrees. It took me years to even notice this. It’s scary really. This doesn’t mean you are “imagining the pain” as many people have no doubt told you in our current society.
this satire cartoon by David Firth speaks to me on many levels.
“It’s all in your mind.” they will say. Or they will say it in a kinder way, yet ignore you all the same, parents, doctors, maybe even your friends. The solutions they offer will feel off topic, like they are subtly or overtly just telling you to get over it. That is belittling and minimizing way to say things… and yet it will be said to you a lot anyway. What did the doctor say “Everything’s fine?” “OK then, get over it.”
Pain is a battle the hardest battle. This doesn’t mean your mind has ‘unlimited’ potential to over come any obstacle if you just change your mentality. Yet you can’t simply win in life by ‘eliminating’ bad thoughts, that can be even worse, you just have to bring the focus to something positive. I have learned to be kind to myself, and it has helped to bring back part of the old me.
If you have experienced pain.. say you had some kind of life shattering injury. or maybe something truly strange and hard to understand, like skin taring in sensitive areas, some kind of food sensitivity that causes pain, anything really, has lead to on going physical discomfort in your life, and you start to feel afraid the pain will hold you back from doing the things that matter in you life, as i have, that fear of the pain, it’s an electro-chemical response, it can very easily go into your unconscious habit. but you can become conscious of it if you so desire, if you have reason to be. it is only natural and fully understandable to fear a life of pain. yet i have noticed that fear. It pumps through the body, you brain and nervous system is wired into the physical muscles in your body. If you fear having pain in a particular area of your body, your nervous system tells that area to ‘tense up’ it doesn’t matter where they area is. Inducing stress in that area, juts from the fear impulse in your heart being sent to your brain, being sent to the physical muscle through the nervous system. (there is some debate weather the fear pules originates in the mind or the heart, but that is not really essential right now.) I feel it as taking place in my heart, the physical organ, thinking all the ‘worry’ originated in my mind has often held me back, searching and seeing for errors in my ‘brain’ that were never actually really there. I find that any kind of choice one makes often originates as a pulse in the heart. The brain may automatically be involved in this process (like the way your heart automatically pumps blood), but for many of us, we humans will experience it taking place literally in the heart. And you can change the way your heart responds to thinks simply by noticing it. It doesn’t really require and words or directives from the mind or the brain. Just by noticing your heart, and what you are responding to in your physical environment, your heart starts to change the way it responses, the ‘instinct’.
There are many things that cause this kind of ongoing micro pain, that should be small, yet because it can last your entire life, it becomes very distracting, like really fucking distracting, and doctors don’t seem to understand it, so that just makes you look crazy. i have dealt with this multiple times in my life. people will often tell you it is “in you mind” and you can power through it. however that is a rather of ‘harsh’ interpretation of something, a kinder truth. kindness heals.
When infinite thinking
Can induce worrying
Can lead to infinite stress
Can actually induce sensations of real physical pain in any part of the body your attention is focused on
The only thing really left to trust is the feel in your heart.
Even logic and rationality just become a boundary to the flow of the energy vitality river of life.
Yet when the river takes over life heals over days months and years. it is easier to see that the things i thought were rational back then were the fears.
Often the mind has gotten in my way. I try to move forward in my life by experiencing a feeling that “everything is OK”. Experiencing the goodness of life is still here, It is something I do over days months and years. It isn’t really a choice I can make with my ‘brain’ or a ‘bit of information’ my mind can ‘know’. The flow of life’s energy is so experienced based. the body heals, on a cellular level, when we learn to stop controlling and knowing everything with the mind. It’s like stepping into a whole knew realty. old mental assumptions around the most basic things start to let go, we question what society and others have told us, even what our own feelings and senses previously told us about the world. we start to feel that a greater happiness is possible for us, even in spite of the pain.. it takes practice and habit, experiencing day after that things can change. I think many of us experience this struggling. Or society is very ‘knowledge’ based, reinforcing that we memorize and regurgitate logical factual study based information from an early age, knowledge based living is reinforced all the time. Many of us never learn how to really, experience life, through feelings and emotions, to be in nature, feel safe and relaxed around groups of people. we don’t learn how to awaken or more basic animal self. Ironically that raw animal self, that carnal emotion, loving self, is stronger and more attractive then the brainy part of ourselves that has all the answers, the statistics the facts. Society makes us focus on the words, yet people just want to feel happy at the end of the day. What is attractive to others is also that which is most heeling for ourselves. the feelings. getting into the hart, and remembering not to get too warped up in the mental projects, the mind analysis, during scary situations and circumstances.
Time has a way of changing things. Healing things. You can spend years with the awareness that you can’t heal… as i did. then i spend a few days trying to go for what i want anyway, and it feels like a conflict, there is some hint of progress, but then i start to doubt again weather really I can heal. that is where time comes in. I apply the believe that i can heal over time. It’s different from waiting to heal. yet it is natural. I’m not forcing myself to do anything. I’m just giving myself permission to enjoy life again, when the fear told me the pain was too much and i no longer could do that. Slowing bringing back the things I used to love and do.
Electric Heart, Magnetic Connections
and healing light.
Unknown to modern understanding, hidden to the five senses, the human body gives off a subtle healing energy. For many of us… we have always ‘felt it’, this ‘energy’ between people, this higher feeling, yet never truly understood ‘why’ and ‘how’. The energy of life can feel divine, like something not of this world, such ‘true love’, or just a feeling of being ‘connected’ to people, a feeling of being in your purpose, in a new place, around the community. What if that feeling wasn’t something so ‘ethereal.’ What if it was something more basic, like air and water, something you could have more often, or even all the time. We go about our lives chasing our ambitions, unaware of this energy source that is right there, available in communities, in festivals, at the park, in the mall, with your friends. It’s right there if we know where to look. This exchange of energy, it happens all the time when we’re are in close proximity of others, even when we are doing or saying very little at all. The ‘energy’ is subtle yet important. According to German scientists.. the human body emits small measurable intensities of light, known as biophotons, from the eyes and skin. (Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp.) (Herbert Schwabl, Herbert Klima. Spontaneous ultraweak photon emission from biological systems and the endogenous light field.)
This biolight, this ‘biophotonic field’ if you will, a kind of light energy that humans emit without even trying to, it is healing to ourselves and other people around us. Our bodies have a system for receiving biolight from each other, storing it in our cells and DNA. “Cellular damage can be virtually repaired, within hours, by faint beams of light.” (Popp) Biolight and other energies exchanged between people exist “just below our conscious perception.” (Rollin McCraty) We have this ‘bioluminescence’.
My own spiritual and social journey to become more connected to others lead me to realize that there was some kind of ‘energy’ or vitality that would just ‘appear’ over time when large groups of people had gathered. In particular when those people seemed relaxed and were having fun. After years of exploring this concept it began to occur to me that humans were constantly exchanging small amounts of energy, that this energy was light itself. It began as energy from the Sun. Only this was a kind of living light. This ‘group healing effect’ seemed to be a simple answer to many of my life long struggles. A simple answer that took years even decades you might say to even notice or attune to. It had very little to do with ‘social skills’ as I had always been told, and ironically had more to do with particle physics. The healing effects of the energy people emit, light. And to put it more simply, it was really about relaxing and enjoying the self in the company of others. Too long I had focused my social energies into impressing others and trying to calculate in my mind what would be the best thing to say. All that energy, my ‘light’ was being channeled into slightly misdirected intentions, put there not by my own mistakes, but rather by society itself. The advice and ‘common wisdom’ that was surrounding me. As it turned out connection and attraction had very little to do with what I ‘said’, it was all about energy, joy.
If someone is too focused on achieving tangible goals or getting the approval of others they never notice and emotionally experience, really ‘feel’ their own inherent worth in relation to themselves and others. Though we can’t see biolight particles with our eyes, we can act with an awareness of these energies and arrange more opportunity to simply receive their benefit. Biolight is a type of resource that can only come from being with people. The amount of light is seemingly small but the effect is significant over time. We don’t have to make an effort to produce it, because it is already being produced.
There is a kind of mirroring and or multiplying effect that happens between people and in groups. The energy keeps reflecting off and circulating between people over minutes and hours of relaxed playful interaction and even just physically being around groups of people, the energy increases and increases. This relaxing and enjoying of the company of others opens the flow for the energy, takes the mind off thoughts of fear, it heals the trauma that is caused by both isolation and dramatic events, often events and traumas we aren’t aware ever happened. The absence of the life force energy is in itself traumatic. And being around groups is a rapid way to feel that life force flooding back into your body. even if you have no trauma what so ever, doing this is fun and revitalizing to the fullest extent. We are inherently social creatures. You don’t have to ‘make yourself’ be social, that becomes like a misunderstanding about the body itself, when you make peace with the fears and worries inside you, and let go into the energy of the group, it just becomes enjoyable, the less you ‘make’ yourself do things, the more you become ‘naturally’ magnetic, ‘naturally’ attractive.
I was fascinated to learn, five years ago when I was 25, that the term ‘biophoton’ was out there and there was a lot of research already confirming my suspicions. At the same time I felt that the research was incomplete, all through the essential discovery is there (of the body utilizing light energy similar to the way plants do.) I saw little mentioning of the way the energy seems to vastly multiply in large groups of people, or around people who are relaxed and having fun, in parallel to each other, or in the process of relationship. And no mention of the way the energy seems essential to attraction, physical romantic and friendship, key to confidence, and they way it seems to heal many things such as ‘autism’ and any difficulties connecting with desired persons (other people).
I think the current research is great, but i would much like to further it by measuring the energy and noticing any changes that occur in large groups or in festival like atmospheres for example. I think it would be interesting two measure the changes of energy in individuals in many different setting, public settings like restaurants or cafes, or in the park, at parties, and at home, at work. and see the differences. I am not concerned that everyone adopt the term ‘biophoton’. I think the term ‘deep vital energy’ is a bit better for the layman to use, it doesn’t sound so nerdy or science, although it is a bit wordy. Other words have been used such as ‘orgone energy’. Terms like ‘chi or prana’ describe the same energy, however those terms can imply effort, lots of skill, martial arts training and awareness. The ‘deep vital energy’ requires little skill. Often unskilled people will happen to be in good positive community environments that can naturally and or accidentally provided them with all this ‘vital energy’ this ‘orgone energy’. It doesn’t have that much to do with training. However you can practice to be more aware of it, and to consciously put ourselves in locations where you will naturally receive it’s benefit. I feel that the research on bio-photons doesn’t express the incredible social physical and emotional benefits of the energy, and the way it multiplies in social settings, particular ones that are relaxed or have a fun atmosphere.
When you are in these healthy good energy ‘good vibe environments’ you won’t even have to try to receive the befit of the energy. It will happen naturally. Mostly you will just have to make sure not to worry too much, to ‘get out of your own way’ so to speak. And the energy will continue to feel good even after the ‘good time’ is over. You have been noticing this energy all your life, it isn’t really anything new, some people like me may even lust after it, or become deeply devoted to a spiritual practice to get more in touch with it. I don’t think it has to be such a battle any more. There are many people out there who have all the natural skills they need to succeed, like they aren’t even trying, success just comes to them.
Research from 2019 indicates that the light is actually carried by single celled organisms that travel through a system of ‘microtubules’ in your body, like a second circulatory system, that is much smaller. In a strange way the light field really reminds me of ‘the force’ from Star Wars. And the micro organisms that carry light in the body, they are much like the fictitious (and controversial) ‘Midichlorians’. Particles that carry the force. The microtubules are like a scientific explanation of the Buddhist concept of energy ‘meridians’ passes for energy in the body. This new research about biophotons and microtubules, what I was first referring to as ‘deep vital energy’, is the gateway to a totally new understanding of the body, and also key in how people connect socially. But modern science the way it is is may be likely to protest it for some time to come.
It is possible that many human struggles and perhaps even bigger struggles of the world could be explained by absences of this ‘bio-photon’ energy and or absence of understanding how the energy works, like blockages in the flow of light between people. While this energy is essentially the same as ‘chi’ or ‘prana’, yet the ‘deep vital energy’ as I sometimes call it, unlike those concepts, this energy can be spread out or distributed across society and communities essentially at random. If you look at the universe scientifically you will see that there is much about the distribution of matter and energy in the great void of it all that is truly random. You don’t really ‘earn it’ (the light, the love) or get it because you’re ‘worthy’ or ‘not worthy’. That’s why it’s important to know that you ‘are worthy’ even if the ‘light’ hasn’t reached you enough in your life, so to speak. That’s why we have to change our concepts of ‘I don’t deserve it’ ‘I’m not worthy’, you didn’t feel the love, so you build up this concept that you are not worthy, and you have to earn it, that’s a stigma society needs to get past. When you see how -random- it all truly is, you realize it’s not your fault you didn’t’ get the love. You deserve it, even more then the people who got it from the start. there isn’t any ‘flaw’ with your ‘character’. Often if anything the main flaw is thinking you have a flaw, like a ‘complex’.
We often treat trauma like it is primary mental. but I find personally that it can be largely emotion more so then it is existing in the mind or brain. It can be very traumatic to feel ‘cut off’ from this life force energy. That feeling of being ‘cut off’ often stokes feeling of fear in the heart, it beings as fear singles in the heart more so often then it is rooted in specific mental complexities (in my opinion). Making trauma too ‘mental’ and ‘about the brain’ can actually further complicate it. Over the years I have learned to get more into my physical body, feel the emotions, feel the pulses and responses in the body. Getting out of the ‘words’ the thoughts, that stuff is secondary to emotions and feelings which move much faster.
Your feelings can make choices much faster then your mind can articulate those choices into the English language, or whatever is your first language. I find myself sometimes using language to communicate with myself, when really language is designed as a way to communicate to other people, your feelings are a language of their own. Feelings get scary, we get afraid to trust them. So we put words over top of them. Yet the feelings carry a lot more power then the words. A feeling says a lot. Feelings are magnetic. Electromagnetic. I think we undervalue feelings in modern society. “Feelings are chemical signals in the brain” you will hear. We are really ‘big’ about the mind. there are always new books coming out about the ‘mind’. it almost annoyes me now, because it makes the mind like this celebrity, and we tend to over look the power of something truly very simple like a -feeling- and the way that simple -feeling- can put us in touch with a vast river of energy between people, of raw charismatic power and intuitive instinctive connections to others, sometimes even at a great distance.
(ba = biophoton absorption)
Too often we get ‘cut off’ from the energy of people. Yet modern science isn’t really that aware of the energy, it is like a fringe science, or pseudoscience even, so the idea of being ‘cut off’ from the light energy of life, is not a situation that is taken with any serious gravity. however it is very serious. the light energy is a driving force of life itself. Without it, you will be disconnected, from people, from your(full)self. Society may label you ‘high functioning autistic’ or a number of other things, such as ‘depressed’. As though something has ‘gone wrong’ in your -brain-. And believing that is true ironically keeps you spinning in the mind, trying to puzzle out a problem that was never the to begin with.
When really what you are missing is time in your life to enjoy the vibes, and the emotional connection that you deserve it, you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy the company of others and not just compete to impress them. The forces that take your light away can be truly random, and that’s why you have to remember that you deserve the love. the light. You will be surrounded by people telling you you have a complicated problem of motivation or of mind, of physiology, but really the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to open they way for more light to enter your life, to get out there, soak up the vibes, and be kind to yourself instead of worrying what others will think. I spent all my life trying harder to be more successful, to self improve, it all turned out to be a spiral in the end. it turns out…. happiness is easy.
Once you identify what got in the way of giving yourself permission to be happy around people, you start to feel the stress in your body, and you start to let it go. Trauma is a bigger problem in society then we give it credit for. It is exacerbated by the fact that we aren’t that aware about the way energy flows between people and multiples in groups. We fight for scraps of joy here and there, when all you have to do is show up to a party or a festival, and you become like a sponge, soaking up the life force, the light, the ‘human field, the vibes, and that energy powers your deep body, you retain it, like this ‘after glow’, you can go home and wright novels, or enjoy a video game with this heightened sense of perception and emotion, appreciation for the little things, you are charged on life and don’t need the game to fill the void any more so you gain this whole new appreciation for the details, you don’t have to be glued to people, you can just enjoy life at your own pace. That energy is fuel for all kinds of things. Sometimes what we call ‘motivation’ to strive for greater heights is a mentality that makes life unnecessarily challenging. When you are used to doing things the hard way it almost seems too easy to just allow yourself to feel happy.
Some families and or groups have the ‘good vibes’ and produce lots of vibrant magnetic or attractive children, others are awkward and have ‘low energy’ emission. It is very random and chaotic, and it is not anyone’s fault. If a flower doesn’t get enough light, it is not the fault of the flower that it is not growing, and it’s also not the fault of the flowers near by, and no amount of shouting or telling the flower to “grow” can make it grow. It grows from sunlight soil and water, being in a nourishing environment. That means being somewhere where it can receive the ‘energy’ to become part of it’s flow. People grow like plants, yet we place judgment on ourselves and each other all the time for things that aren’t anyone’s fault. We need to take charge of our lives and seek out and create environments that make it easier to thrive, and break the patter of what all the old voices and old habits of conditioned society tell us we ‘should’ to. What all those voices tell us ‘is right’ and start listening to what ‘feels’ right. Listening more to that feeling. It isn’t obvious. And even just listening to the feeling doesn’t mean everything will go right. The first time i tried just trusting in the ‘feeling’ never even seemed to let me leave the house. I think I got more discouraged about trusting my ‘feelings’ after that. It didn’t seem to be the first time feelings had lead me astray. And yet all that goes back to the environment thing. once I got myself out of the house and into that environment where i could ‘grow’ like the flower. The energy started to flow. I went to meetups and concerts and places where people were having fun. That was how i taught myself to succeed society. And disconnected from the old advice the forced social skills and ‘be yourself’ stuff that wasn’t working. The ‘try harder’ thing that feels like motivation yet becomes endless and fruitless over months and years.
Much new information and research is already out there yet the struggle society now faces is the tendency to get stuck in a kind of ‘group think’ a classic psychology thing that is easy to overlook, the tendency to do what the group is doing, to do what others are doing just because others are doing it. Similar to having a kind of blind faith in ‘the experts’ and other authority figures just because they ‘should know’.
This research about the ‘light energy that travels between people’ opens up a new way to understand how we connect and what makes us feel fulfilled and happy. It comes from being with people yet it adds color and joy to all other aspects of our lives, our passions and joy.
The energy continues to last inside of us even after the social gathering is over. Not unlike charging a battery. In a way we are like organic batteries charging wirelessly when we hang together in groups. It sounds silly, yet looking at it this way has made things like socializing and going to parties immensely easier for me. Now I don’t even try. I just enjoy myself. It is something you have to get used to. But with practice it becomes very easy. You keep showing up and letting go of all the old assumptions that tell you you can’t. They come from the old ‘low energy’ conception of realty I used to be in. And now people want to talk to me. We are giving off the energy all the time, it is not a choice, just noticing it is there, now i can take more time to fully enjoy it. Unlike the force or something from DBZ the energy doesn’t give us super powers, however it does connect us more to people, and to me perhaps that is a superpower lol. You can mainly notice it with how you feel, such as ‘uplifted’. You have been noticing it all your life. I did. But I didn’t know that I could have more satisfaction more often. And it wasn’t about ‘working harder’ as I thought for so long. When I notice and feel the energy around people more I tend to seek out those places and environments that made me feel uplifted, the concerts or even just going to the park. I also began to change my perspective with home life, really accepting the goodness that was already there, taking more time to enjoy it. I found that enjoying what i already had, i was attracting more. Friends of friends would stop b, suddenly they saw me in a new way. It was about both acceptance, seeing the good in what already is, and being proactive about seeking those people and places that made me feel uplifted, fulfilled, that kind of healthy good feeling. That is the feeling of the deep vital energy filling you up. To be more nerdy you can call it ‘biophotons’. It is what I am now starting to call ‘Party Therapy’ the joy of being with others yet staying connected to yourself.
I go on the news and sometimes it starts to feel like even young children have something more to offer to the conversation because they are still creative and outside per-established assumptions, while we adults are stuck in the box. The world is changing so fast with the internet, google and youtube, information and cutting edge info is available on anything and everything in a way that is quick and easy to understand and comes at our desire and request. It is a kind of party therapy as well. If you are not using it to replace social bonds that is as I did years ago. The internet fills our generation with so much info, if you know how to use it in the right way that is, non addictive, thinking for yourself, spending most of your time experiencing the real world, the internet can keep you informed about all kinds of things. The problem is now not that we don’t have new solutions, but that we society as a whole is so attached to the old way of doing things that it can be hard to notice new information is even there. And this is really not the fault of any one individual.
Our eyes alone possess an incredible power to help others relax, feel safe; central in this naturally occurring light exchange between people. Yet it is not just about the eyes but also the heart. It is about what we feel when we gaze that makes the gaze more satisfying, and the revelation that we can influence and change how we feel, with thoughts, with belief, with our own free will, mostly we can change simply by noticing a feeling is there, just noticing we can change it we already start to change…. We allow ourselves to feel comfortable with ourselves and then with various types of eye contact. I allow my eyes to move around and go where they want to go. It is important to know that we can take pressure off needing words to substantiate ourselves. So many modern modes of relation focus largely on intellectual concepts and words. The truth is we can in fact look at someone, anyone, in their eyes, without words needing to be exchanged, and this is vital and healthy. People just like the sense that someone is paying attention to them, they feel heard, it feels good and natural. Biolight travels at the speed of light, though it takes the heart time to absorb it. I believe it may also be able to effect people from long distances such as 100 feet. For example one can feel and benefit from the energy of an entire crowd. It may be more effective at closer distances. This may sound like turning love into science. Yet I believe that this awareness of our bodies may reduce suffering and enable us to thrive.
“Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”
The Dalai Lama
The heart plays a significant role in the body in addition to pumping blood. It is key in powering this energetic biolight system in the body. “The heart generates a powerful pressure wave that travels rapidly throughout the arteries much faster than the actual flow of blood.” (Rollin McCraty) “The magnetic component of the heart’s field, which is around 5000 times stronger than that produced by the brain, is not impeded by tissues (muscles, skin, organs) and can be measured several feet away from the body (with Superconducting Quantum Interference Device (SQUID) based magnetometers.)” (The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Interactions Within and Between People Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.) In addition to the brain, the heart and the gut actually contain neurons. This heart intelligence informs the brain more then was previously understood. Our feelings or intuition are an evolved decision making system. When we learn to trust our feelings without fear they can guide us to what is needed both individually and collectively. Feelings of the heart can actually be felt physically by other people near us. If someone has an anxious heart it can actually be uncomfortable for a person ten feet away if they are also anxious or in energetic drain. If someone is feeling a natural or un-efforting satisfaction, this can be felt and is attractive to someone ten feet away and more, and is also healing to another with an energetically drained heart. The energetically satisfied heart is not only less effected by anxiety of others it is healing to them. Without a full heart the mind is more easily encumbered by fear and self doubt. Constantly thinking in search of complex solutions, but never satisfied. Physical contact, a touch on the shoulder, hugging, is also an important way of generating energy and connection with people. A socially isolated person may feel threatened by touch. Prolonged social isolation, stillness, and time in dismal environment is actually draining to the human body. Experiments on monkeys showed that if you remove a monkey from it’s environment; if you take a monkey away from the other monkeys, but continue to feed it, it will actually die. It was said that monkeys who were given a soft object to hug survived the social isolation, but they were still considerably weaker then the monkeys who remained in their natural habitat. Social isolation will make someone physically week, fragile. In light of this we should move in at a general and gradual rhythm, adjusting differently depending on the person. Being cautious with an isolated person so they feel safe.
We can also exchange biolight with animals. It is possible that a larger person may emit more then a smaller person, a young man may emit more than a baby. The fully mature heart emits more. A happy person will emit more then a small cat (of similar emotional state). But a cat may emit more then a depressed person. At the same time babies and children will emit a lot because they instinctively know to make eye contact and feel free to play; social insecurity in society has not yet set in. Children and young people will often emit a lot of biolight because their bodies are very healthy and they feel free to express play (thus releasing the stress in their cells). Knowing about biolight and play can restore youth to a degree. We can use this awareness to get more out of relationship, and be with people that help us feel good.
I used to think that other people, girls I liked, peers I wanted to meet, ‘had the love,’ the ‘bright eyes’. We’ve all felt or seen it. I would sense it from people. All my life I was expecting the other person to ‘show the love’. I thought if someone didn’t that meant they didn’t like me. But now I see the ‘bright eyes’ more as a phenomena that arises between people. I was putting too much pressure on the other expecting it from them. It was never there’s to give. The ‘bright eyes’ is something that arises over time between two or more people.
I think trauma exists in the world on a bigger level then we even realize, and often we are compactly unaware of it. We tend to think ‘we’ have a problem, and everyone else has it ‘figured out’. That is in itself part of the ‘trauma prescriptive’. Part of that trauma perspective is not even knowing the trauma is effecting you. We feel disconnected. Like others are more outgoing and magnetic then we can ever hope to be. But when you heal that ‘feeling’, things start to shift. It is as simple as ‘enjoying the vibes’. but that can feel scary, you get used to failure, you start to expect failure, expect the hurt. But there might be a feeling inside you that tells you can get more connected, the ‘how’ isn’t totally obvious, but the feeling shows you how. and it is that feeling is like the ‘receptor’ that guides you to where the ‘vital energy’ is. the biophotons so to speak.
‘Biophotons’ makes you think of little particles. But really it is like a river, flowing between people, and circulating through your own body. like a love loop. a feedback loop. it circulates and grows stronger with each circulation. Weather it is the relationship between your mind and your heart, or the relationship between you and others, let it be a loving one. When you love yourself, that is the starting place to open the energy to love others. Yet keep in mind that we are a community organism, and if you try to love yourself too much in the safety of your own isolation, you start to feel cut off. It is valuable to learn how to be around others, yet not feel the need to ‘conform’ to exactly what they are doing and saying and how they are doing and saying it. It is possible to be around others and enjoy their company, whiteout really conforming to a single thing, if you so desire, you have to go at your own pace and do what feels right for you, and at the end of the day, that’s what makes others happy to, if others feel that you are happy they will feel happy too.
This social benefit is healing to us all. With time and practice, day after day it begins to feel more natural and instinctive to simply receive this ‘human light energy’ in the group. This is what I at first was calling the ‘love instinct’. To seek love attention and connection for the pure joy of it, for the good feeling it brings. Over time doing this the heart and mind actually self rewires so to speak, you thoughts and feelings become naturally reoriented towards seeking energy and joy and fulfillment from people and eye contact and things like laughter and the warm feelings this all brings. Feelings that become almost impossible to find when connection becomes replaced with material pleasures. Over just minutes and hours our heart and cells are charged with it. We become ‘fulfilled’ ‘uplifted’ ‘naturally high.’ (Naturally Social)
It feels frustrating. There are a lot of attractive women in the world. I see them a lot. the passion is so intense that I feel. but I can rarely tell if they are interested. they inspire so much passion. I can write novels and novels about them. Sing songs. Writing poetry. accomplish all kinds of things, driven by this passion that is about them, just from them, there basic existence, the fact that they exist in time and space. they breath. they exist. but do they even notice? these girls i feel attracted to. do they feel the passion? or do they just exuded it. At the gym today i saw three different beautiful women over the course of an hour or two. each inspired feelings of intense passion with me. over time the feelings only seem stronger. The strength is actually the same as always. yet to the ‘soul’ perhaps it feels stronger. it feels as though the feelings should be answered, when you first have them at like, 13 say, it was for me.
For a long time i was starting to figure that i really would be the next “40 year old virgin”. but then at age 29, it happened. and I’m not so ‘proud’, about it all, I don’t need sex to validate my worth and existence to the world. I realized i had long since let go of that, and what was most surprising after sex what how little actually changed. and yet it was good to finally feel like this “important chapter” had been written in the story of my life. it did restore much faith in the ‘universe’ which was becoming an increasingly ‘morally ambiguous’ / difficult to redeem kind of place. The world seemed to be a confusing and lonely place full of many truly good people…. countless ‘stray souls’, well meaning individuals.. tangled in loops of stress and nonsense perpetuated by a capitalistic productivity driven society. So many good people.. who’s intentions seemed to be unwittingly ‘hijacked’ by a society that just wanted us all to be ‘better faster smarter’ all the time.
There was lots of goodness in the world, I had felt it before, yet it felt difficult to connect to it somehow, there was too much chaos. and all it took was something random, like Lyme disease, or an unexpected injury and your entire fragile connection to the ‘goodness’ of life could be cut. it all felt too fragile… for this to be the ‘true reality’, for this to be the true place where good people are meant to thrive and belong.
I was always driven by these feelings for women. At first i was very attracted, but i learned to be less so. I would move on, to the next one, and the next one. Becoming increasingly bold, and even a bit ‘swave’. but still i was not easy. I notice it is becoming increasingly hard to care, i find myself becoming increasingly bold. I will just gaze into the eyes of strangers if i think they are attractive, or even if i just think they need some love, or i like something about their energy, or mostly i look for times where that connection just wants to happen, this connection that doesn’t always require words. for too long i was so tangled up in the ‘words’ as i tried to get girls to notice me. but then i came to the realization that many girls could be attracted to the ‘Tarzan’ type of man, who doesn’t even need to know English, but just ‘exudes ‘this sexy masculine energy. i brought more attention to my body. and it was true. i noticed I had put years into finding the right words, but i continued to notice important moments where the words didn’t matter, where they even got in the way, where even simply ‘thinking’ about the right thing to say seemed to distract from the energy of life itself. i became aware that even my thoughts had a real existence as energetic pules, and the time i spent just wondering about what to say to girls, distracted from something more important. the energy of connection.
Early in life my parents devoted lots of time teaching me to ‘read’. they were afraid i wouldn’t know how to read. that i was struggling with the English language even. I almost died of Lyme disease when i was five. and it seemed hard to re-adjust to normal living. i had all these vocabulary words drilled into my head, at a time early on when i was just learning to relax again, to feel emotions, i was struggling to feel connection to people. there was some kind of ‘energetic’ quality about it i noticed growing up. the energy of groups of people at parties for example could be very refashioning, but it was new, i didn’t trust it some how, because my brain thought a lot about the words. i saw the words as more important then the emotions, then that ‘healthy’ feeling inside you. Perhaps because i had rarely truly felt it, i didn’t know it was there really. the ’emptiness’ felt normally. i became increasingly used to it.
Today at the gym i noticed people were trying to get into a locked door behind me. At one point i opened the door for these two painfully beautiful girls. very pretty and curvy. I looked into this girls eyes and said “you need to show me your I.D. to get in here.”
She looked surprised.
“Just kidding” I said.
She laughed “you got me.”
Then i let them go on with their business. I was glad to have that moment. Sometimes even when i am in the mood to meet a women, I notice i pull back. I know “David DeAngelo” or “Mystery” from the Mystery Method, would have all kinds of lines and strategies, but emotionally i feel really hurt and afraid of women sometimes. I feel very fed up and dejected around the idea of making this ‘effort’ to try and attract them. How many times had I gone the extra mile and got all ampted up and invested and it turned out to be for no reason?
Conversely I notice that girls could be very impressed sometimes when i am not making an effort at all, because that’s when i relax. I was talking to this beautifl shopkeeper girl at the mall, and it was strange, like magic she was so warm and friendly, and i began to worry then about how i could attract her it’s like the moment i start to worry i feel disconnected, and the moment i stop worrying, stop caring, i zone out and think about music or something random, and then she looks and me and actually starts smiling and dancing to some music that was playing in the background. It was like i didn’t even have to say anything. I could have asked her to “hang out” or something. I could even go back to that shop and ask her. I haven’t done something like that in years, but it’s exactly the kind of thing i would do. I don’t give a shit. But I actually had to move to a different town because i was living with mom and didn’t really have a job in that area.
Back on the gym story. I walk by this beautiful girl again on the way out. It is frustrating because she is just sitting their with her friends, they seem friendly, it seems like it would be almost easy to talk to them, in comparison to most ‘scenarios’ at least. I didn’t really have anything to say. But the one truly superb looking girl kept getting up and walking around. At one point i just looked into her eyes, she was the one I had made the joke to earlier. I noticed she met my eyes, she didn’t have to. But i felt like there was something there. It’s strange that small moments like this give me a sense of peace.
Something similar happened at the mall a few weeks ago. I noticed a lot of great looking women. I pay more attention to the vibes and the energy of a place now. I was just enjoying the energy of the mall. I noticed i made eye contact with two or three different girls, there were many girls i noticed, but these ‘two or three’ of them seemed to notice me too, and look back into my eyes. and that felt nice. i felt like something emotion passed between us. something good or pleasant.
The last girl i notice, she was extremely curvy. I used to see this like some kind of ‘forbidden desire’, like it was some how more ‘pure’ to go after the girls who made you feel romantic and not the ones who made you feel sexual, but their all equally important as people, and I’ve learned over time that the sexual part of myself is actually good and important.
So i notice this extremely sexy girl, she is not just sexy, she is definitely extremely sexy. And i make eye contact with her. I can’t even believe how big and perfect her curves are. I’ve seen curves like that before, but mostly on the internet. even if her butt was half the size i still would have felt a strong attraction to her, it makes you wonder why evolution even needs women to look that good when they would be amazing even if they were only half as good looking.
so anyway this girl looks into my eyes, she meets my gaze for a moment. I kind of started it of course, but i felt like she noticed my passion, it was like i felt it in her eyes, she liked it. but it was such a brief moment. it’s hard to know for sure. I mean she was so sexy. And i have never succeeded with a woman like that. Actually i can remember one other time when i felt a woman just that hot and curvy was into me, but back then i was struggling a lot more to know what to say and do so i just gave up on the conversation with her, even if i had tried to go further it might have just made it worse, that’s the sad thing really. sometimes courage just gets you killed ’emotionally’. I wasn’t ready back then, i wond’t have known what to do or say. I deserved love sure, don’t we all, but it’s really not obvious what to say to women. When i spend more time noticing emotions in myself and others it becomes a lot more obvious, when i am enjoying myself, but it didn’t feel like many people were telling me to do that. it seem like most people i asked had no idea what i should say or do any more then i did, even the people who were succeeding in love didn’t seem to know how, it was just “this mystery” the natural magnetic connection of the universe, the magic of “being yourself” or something, it just “happened” yeah that was helpful advice. and those people who naturally succeed all the time aren’t even supposed to know I supposed, and thinking they ‘know’ is almost a problem. It can be a problem if i depend on their advice and forget my own intuition or instincts. There is an interesting rhythm to balancing your connection to ‘self’ and to ‘others’ and it involves having fun and noticing your emotions and staying relaxed is very important I’ve learning over the years, and you can get ‘the hang of this’ and it gets much easier with time and practice, but it is not obvious or easy at all for many of us. and many will claim that it is easy or should be, and it is for sure to some, but claiming that meeting women or the opposite sex is ‘easy’ is almost a kind of insecurity, it is a need to ‘stand out’ or look good, to tell the world that you have it all figured out. i feel like most of us don’t know. and that was a major realization for me. I always figured other people knew and i didn’t for some reason.
Anyway this girl at the mall meets my gaze, and it feels nice. It’s frustrating how many years I’ve waited to find a woman like that. I remember seeing this attractive women around seven years ago and finally deciding, this is it, within the next seven days, I am going to approach and meet and date and have sex with a woman like that. I’m done waiting. I’m done being afraid. I’m done letting the confusion of it all get to me. I had really hit the wall. The feelings were so intense, and there were so many women out there, the more i got out in public, the more i noticed there were more beautiful people out there then i ever imagined or thought possible, yet meeting them was not easy. So i became very driven then. I was around 23. However this became the start of a very dark time in my life. It was a very good and motivated time. but it lead to a crash. I was already pushing hard. and now i stared pushing harder. talking to more people. working out longer and harder hours. Doing these crazy multi hour meditations. there is no end to the list of insane things i did, and it all began from that passion to meet women. I was so furious, that i can remember even as a 13 year old, other 13 year olds were dating each other. And yet even now it was still quite hard to get a single date with a girl, i mean i could now and then, but nothing beyond that really. The dates i got were with good girls, and that felt good, but i noticed there was girls that made me feel even stronger passion just looking at them, and i struggled just getting dates with the girls who were a bit below that attractiveness level, girls that were pretty and good, but often i would see girls that would just fill my whole heart with passion just to look at them, and it was frustrating because i was convincing myself my life was a success yet there was still this category of girl that I was not scoring with at all. And often the girls would hesitate to say we were ‘dating’ they would call it ‘hanging out’ but still it felt great, like progress. but around this time when i was 23, getting a date or two with a pretty girl no longer felt like enough. I needed a girlfriend, or a least to make love to someone that made me feel strong passion. I had a lot of other creative passions and things to be grateful for in my life, yet the romance, that human connection element, was non existent, and that felt like the most important thing of all.
I could create a conclusion about how ‘things have improved’ which they have. but it isn’t important to ‘draw conclusions’ about everything in life, even though we feel we should for some reason. Sometimes I stop myself in the middle of sentences, feeling like I should have an ‘answer’ or a ‘conclusion’ and noticing i don’t need one. This is like a journal entry, it is on going, there is no conclusion
The truth is… five years ago I had this big dental operation done. I was pressured into it. It felt really unnecessary. But i wanted my parents to stop worrying. I am often in pain. It’s a choice i can’t undo. It holds me back from meeting woman, from enjoying life. I am afraid, even if I meet a woman I won’t be able to feel it. Lots of people with ongoing dental problems and dental pain are driven insane by it, they become grouchy, unlovable. It’s a nightmare. I used to be this noble warrior. Now it’s hard for me to speak with consistency. I get by making one word jokes. My struggles with women remind me of who I used to be, when i had hope. The truth is, I don’t struggle with women as much as i used to. the main struggling now is the dental pain. even if i get a woman, the pain prevents me from ‘being the man she needs’. and from really enjoying it myself. I’ve done a lot of research to heal this pain, but the technology is not there yet. I am still learning more. I can’t improve the pain, so i try to improve the quality of my life, i try to bring more joy into my life. Five years ago i began having cardiac pain… but the doctor never found anything wrong with me. it debilitated me. But i had to live on with it quietly. My family just acted like i had ‘gone insane’ or ‘become lazy’, it was the hardest time of my life because of the pain, and because people seemed to think so little of me, there was nothing i could do. A doctor came to my house. pushing drugs. He convinced my dad to force these pills on me, which weren’t even designed to help. they were like ‘autism pills’ it was embarrassing. And the drugs made me exhausted. I told the doctor drugs made me want to kill myself. that was when they literally sent the police to my house and locked me up for a while. It took a long time to get out of that. there is a much longer story here. maybe I will make it a separate post. I wanted to keep this blog optimistic and ‘give back’ to the world, but i want to open up about the truth of how dark my life really is, and the constant adversity i have faced just to stay alive. I’ve had to be my own doctor through it all, no one else could help with the pain. People kept remecomending yoga, acupuncture, meditation, therapy, my life was already structured around those things, that stuff was big in my family, i had an abundance of it, yet people recommended ‘more’. I eventually realized that my body was so weak and susceptible to pain, because it could all be connected back to the Lyme’s Disease i had when i was five. (yes I mentioned this in the ‘creepypasta’ story, 45% of that story is just straight up real events if you were wondering. creepypasta is supposed to be horror that is based on a real life story) The Lyme’s Disease explain a lot. Almost dying as a kid had left me more feeble then the average bare. but this was another conclusion I reached on my own, actually i think a fried gave me the idea, but I had to be my own doctor, my own investigator though so much of this, doctors i talked to, seemed to live by the book. I still don’t have a real diagnosis, even though i am chronically exhausted and in pain half the time. If i work more then 3 hours i get stabbing heart pain like i am dying and it is scary as hell. But i still have mom in my life to tell me i should be motivated to make more money and work more. I don’t want to die just so the world thinks i am a motivated individual.
I met this amazing girl recently. I remember thinking that she was the hottest girl in my town/community, and thinking there was no way she would be interested in me. My plan was to talk to her if she wanted it, but not to ‘over focus’ on her, not to make her my main focus or romantic priority. She was inviting right away and invited me to sit next to her at this meetup event. However stuff like this happens to me now and then and i tell myself not to get ‘too attached’ just because I ‘got lucky’ and a pretty girl asked me to sit next to her. I had little connects with her for the following months. But then recently she needed a place to stay and moved in with me in my house where we live with six other friends. From that point on i told myself still not to get ‘too excited’ but after just a few days, something changed, i became much closer to her. Turns out she has a boyfriend and the cynic in me says ‘of course all hot girls are already taken’. i’m kind of selfish at this point in my life, being 29 and single, and am still wanting to pursue her. But it’s only because i also sense she has interest in me. I’ve been trying to get a girlfriend since i was 13. That makes this a 16 year quest lol. I don’t’ like to talk about it that much but i am actually a virgin. I think there is no same in this. I was ready to start a ‘virgins anominous.’ I think there is too much of a ‘race for sex’ with men, and it really isn’t something we need to validate our male pride. For the last 5 our so years i have been more interested in a quest for love then a quest for sex.
I did my best to send her the right signals to this girl. Lets call her Revanna. it’s only now and then. I try not to overwhelm her or come off as needy. They way she looked at me, looked into my eyes, and things she said let me know she liked me. When that happened i tried to give back, to send her the right signal. I like to make it a bit humorous, so it is friendly and not scary, being too direct can be scary or even crude to people. She told me she was “recovering from drug addition” so i told her “funny, many of the girls i really like seem to be recovering drug addicts.” I think she liked that. The statement let her know that i ‘really liked her’ I opened that door. But because it was indirect, it just ‘lets her know’ without forcing her to respond to it. There is a place for being more direct but in this case it wasn’t until after we made love. She told me i was beautiful so at that point it was pretty easy for me to feel safe telling her i felt the same way. I told her she was hot, and she told me i was hot. I never experienced anything so complete. At another point she was telling me that her ex needed anime porn to get off. I ended up telling her something like “I actually watch that too lol. I watched regular porn too though. I guess i need both. I don’t actually like porn that much because it feels kind of aggressive, i don’t really like watching other people have sex, so i guess technically i watch ‘videos of women’ that may or may not be porn.” I told it as kind of a ‘funny story.’ I remember thinking ‘what the fuck kind of dating tactic is this, I am telling her about porn. it was ok because she brought up the subject and i could tell from her personalty that she was ‘cool’ talking about most anything. It felt important to bring the subject up at least once because, to respond to that opening she gave me to talk a few sentences on that topic, because it lets her know that i have those desires. she had told me about her sexual inclinations, her struggle to remain committed to a single person. It felt important that i open up too, otherwise she might actually think that i was too ‘proper’ to have sexual inclination, or some shit, she might just think i wasn’t interested. in the past i would say so little that girls would think i actually wasn’t interested. even when i definitely was. I try to say just enough for them to realize that i have these thoughts and feelings, for them or girls in general, without going overboard. I think because i opened up about these stuff, she felt comfortable to continue opening further to to me, asking to hold my had and ‘cuddle me’. At one point i was walking around with her outside, and she asked to massage my hand. I tried to make it seem comfortable and natural, like it was ordinary or totally cool, I wanted her to get that i was ok with it, often guys might go overboard and say something too sexual at this point, or say nothing at all. It is actually very simple, almost too simple, but i found that perfect middle ground. I just waited a bit and let her massage my hand, she said “how does that feel?” i said something like “that feels nice.” The old me would have said “that feels fine.” And that would have made her think i didn’t like it. A lot of these things are like strange habits. I think that “fine” is some kind of safe word, because i’m afraid in the past of saying too much. but I knew this time that it was important to say “nice” or “good” and not just “fine”. I think i probably could have done a bit more, i tend to be overly cautious. She told me that she has liked me this entire time. I remember many times being afraid just to say “hi” to her. I realize i could have been a lot more bold, just in terms of ordinary things like saying high. This girl is 25, she is close to my age. I’ve met some girls who were a bit younger and just not interested. Because of that and my past experiences i tend to assume any girl i like won’t be interested. but that isn’t true any more. In this case she was interested, and I could have been more active in approaching her or saying hi to her. I got lucky that she moved into my house, there are six of us living here as friends. And living together made us way closer.
After things went so well with Revanna I started to reevaluate a few past relationships. I can think of a time from last year where a girl was nice to me but i thought she wasn’t ‘really’ interested. but she said things like “when are we going to go on a date Zack?” the singles were mixed. i thought maybe it was some kind of a joke. but then she was more forward the more recent times i saw her saying things like “Zack is one of my favorite people” to one of my friends. and asking me to go on a walk with her. I remember a day a year ago when we had a chance to hang out but she didn’t talk to me, here head seemed somewhere else. But maybe she just thought i didn’t like here. I think she was ‘going through shit’ but that didn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe she liked me all along. Like with Revanna, i could have included her more. This Revanna girl is so attractive that even though i wasn’t ‘sure’ she wanted to talk, i would just see her and be like “hey!” i tried to make eye contact with her. I remember thinking she wasn’t that responsive. but i think i was being to self critical. Because the next time I saw her she was driving by and she gave me a big wave, then she responded to my friend request on face book. It was that ‘delayed reaction’ effect I referred to in my Naturally Social book at one point. i have so many versions of that book i’m not even sure it made it into the final ones. Sometimes when you give ‘the love’ to someone, i mean in an appropriate way, like saying ‘hello’ they might not ‘appear’ to give back at first. they make a mental note of it and then feel more inclined to ‘give back’ in the future, to say hello in the future. we get discouraged to easily. I’ve even noticed this in myself. once this hot girl was inclusive towards me, she asked me how i was doing. but i couldn’t think of anything interesting to say. it felt like i didn’t have a ‘good’ response to her that reflected her energy / the joy i felt. but then 30 minutes later i got another chance to talk to her. it ended up being a great conversation that when way past my expectations, it just started with me wanting to ‘give back’ a good vibe that she sent me.
I was hanging out with this Revanna girl one night. She told me she wanted to “cuddle me”. We went to her room. She told me to “just relax”. It was compassionate and not ‘annoyed’ or something. It was helpful that she said that. After like 15 or 20 minutes she asked if I wanted to have sex. Like an idiot I said “maybe”. I think i get so content just cuddling or being near a girl that i don’t even want any more. I am used to a very slow rate of escalation, like years or even decades lol. But I immediately remembered that one other time in my life i turned down sex with a beautiful girl. I had my reasons. I wanted a relationship with that girl and i was afraid she just wanted one time sex. But the opportunity never came again. It would have been worth it just for the experience. Life can be so chaotic and unpredictable. I knew that another chance might not come again for like another 2 years or something lol. So after a few seconds i was like “actually, lets have sex.” It was great to have her on top of me. I didn’t realize how much rigorous humping was involved. For 16 years, from when my quest for love stared at the age of 13, till now, i just couldn’t succeed with women. I began to feel hatred inside me. I wondered if women were more ‘evolved’ then men. If they had evolved beyond the need for love. They could focus on there higher passions for art and academic ambition. While men were controlled by base desires for the booty and other sexual inclinations. I told myself stores like this out of hatred, to try and explain things, to make sense of everything. I told myself that women were better and they didn’t need us. It was great to feel this girl humping me, because it made me feel that she was just like i was, that she had the same desires i did and that we could embrace them together. In this strange place where heaven and earth intertwine. We humans are almost like angels in the way we appear yet we have this animal side to us. Society keeps us so straight laced, we block out our desires to maintain a ‘polite’ and appropriate social facade. Some of us feel so timid about our desires that the other gender doesn’t fully realize that we are ‘into’ them. We don’t find creative ways to express our passion to each other.
This girl was kicked out of her place of work for flirting too much. She had to move away to be closer to her new job. I don’t dislike her for that. Many of the girls I like have been ‘flirtatious girls’, those girls tend to have a lot of vibrant energy, because they are always ‘playing the game’, I don’t hate them for that. Love is unpredictable and they survive by keeping there options open. I might do the same thing if i was hot to the extent that everyone wanted me they way it seems to be with this girl. I’m just happy that i was in her life. This is a really beautiful girl, so when she told me i was her “best physical encounter” that really blew my mind. Even though she had to move away only 2 weeks after moving into my house, moving was the last thing she wanted, and i still feel really connected to her, we talk a lot by phone and text. Neither of us have cars, but that doesn’t stop the connection. Apparently she broke up with her boyfriend. She told me many times that she wanted to break up with him for various reaction, like he was a few years younger then her, long distance, still in school, and way to eager to get married after only being together a few months. I was tempted to say, “i won’t do any of those things” because i won’t, but i thought it was better just to listen and help with her conflict. Even though i had an obvious interest in there bring a ‘particular outcome’ as to the ending of her relationship, I didn’t push for that at all, it wouldn’t benefit me to be pushy anyway, i just acted exactly as a fried would act to listen to her and to help her make the right decision for herself. And as a separate subject in separate moments i let her know that i liked her. She told me i had a beautiful mind body and soul. she told me i was hot. I told her she was hot. I told her I loved her, “but not in a possessive way” I added. I was afraid the world “love” might be scary because it implies a ‘strong attachment’. But she said it was sweet. I still find myself being careful not to come off as too attached. I haven’t even talked to her about the boyfriend subject in a while since she moved away 2 weeks ago, but i noticed her relationship status on Facebook vanished, and 3 days later i reappeared as “single”. I can still see him posting to her on face book. It sounds like she let him down easy. Just because she is single i’m not assuming she wants to be with me. Now there is a bit more of a distance between us. But i’m not assuming she doesn’t want to be with me either. I had a few friends tell me “they didn’t want me to get hurt” from me telling them the story. that feels way to negative. I mean, any time you open that door there is the possibility of getting hurt, intact it is almost gaurenttee, yet it is worth it all the same. I am used to hot girls being really complicated and hard to get with, compared to some of the stuff i have dealt with in the past, this girl is totally easy. Even tough our time together was short lived, I’ve never felt so validated, the relationship with her felt so complete. She said all kinds of things, that she liked my smile and thought it was so genuine. She even said she liked my pelvis or some shit lol. once she started saying stuff like that it became much easier to open up and feel safe saying the feelings i had to her. I always find myself holding back a bit, i like to play it cool, i don’t want to gush or dump all my feeling on her, maybe it’s just because i’ve been hurt so many times.
There was this great moment when she was standing on the other end of the living room taking a selfie, she looked damn fine, so i said as much. I was like “damn, who is the girl in that picture, she is so hot!!” the picture on the phone was just her reflection basically in the camera of course. When i said that she got this great smile then and ran over and sat next to me. then she took a picture of me. This was another way I let her know i think she is hot but did it in this humorous light hearted kind of way.
I had all kinds of deep conversations with her but most of this was after we already had sex. People say that i have great listening skills but they only come out when i’m around really hot women lol. I’m just glad to have these skills at all. They are really simple, but it took a long ass time to get it, to get how simple it really is. It’s really simple in the short term, being with people and listening to them, but in the long run, i end up soaking up quite a lot of information and i can rattle of the most relevant insight or piece of information for all kinds of situations. The old me would always try too hard in the moment then burn out after a few hours. What i am doing now, it is like a “stylistic application of nothing” compared to what i used to do. I am just enjoining myself. I try to always grow my connections with others. I joke around now and then. I don’t make constant jokes, i take breaks and try to wait for the right moment, but people say they like my humor. My jokes are always related to what is happening in the present moment. I’m always commenting on some kind of funny situation. I feel connected to the people in my hows, i think Revanna sensed that. so there was already a foundation for us to connect, for her to get to know me even before we stared having long conversations. I like humor, I like to take a difficult situation and put a creative spin on it, make it lighthearted, I do it because it makes me feel good, I actually do it for myself but other people like it, i like it because they like it, and they like it because i like it. Most of the deep conversations i had with Revanna weren’t till after we had sex, but they were important for furthering the relationship. She was forced to leave too soon, but it is still my most successful romantic interaction.
I think a lot of guys like me are afraid of the ‘friend zone’ this idea that if you don’t get the relationship to ‘heat up’ fast enough you will get stuck being ‘just friends’ for ever. Even the word friend starts to take a negative connotation, like it becomes senomonious with ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worth of love’ / something more. At the same time i know that becoming someones friend means you can have them around for life where if you are only romantically involved and not really friends, once the relationship is over that’s it. I’ve seen people who were dating stay friends for years after they broke up and possibly forever. I’ve also herd stories about people who were friends for years and years and finely at a certain point realizing that they wanted something more, even that they were perfect for each other. I think there is something essential that makes that difference. For me it is ‘party therapy’, it is being connected to the energy, harnessing the ‘good vibes’ of people and having self kindness, self love, being connected to yourself, etc. I believe if one can do this you can ‘break out’ of the friend zone, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been in that zone with someone for one year or 15 years, if you tap into the natural effortless ‘good vibes’ they will -feel- attracted to you to the point that they can’t help but want to be with you. it goes beyond logic. the friend zone becomes kind of like the matrix, it is possible to glitch out of the matrix, to unplug, by harnessing the power good vibes, and learning to be a more chill confident person. I notice i still have this fear of getting stuck in a friend zone, but maybe it is something i need to get over.
This sounds like an obvious statement. However I used to think that it wasn’t ok to show girls you were attracted to them, not under any circumstances. I always got the feeling and the signal that they weren’t interested, and even looking at them, making eye contact could be bothersome for them. I felt the feelings were not appropriate to have at all, or even that women were ‘above’ those feelings that men had, and that I had to suppress or ignore them
However I was making a lot of assumptions. It is easier to see now that the assumptions came from a place of insecurity and self doubt. Low self image. There is a ‘right way’ to express those feelings, and it doesn’t even have to be that complicated. It’s just about simple stuff like saying “hello” and being around people and sending the right small yet appropriate signals. Not even to every single person, it’s ok just to say it to people you find interesting. Adding a little light hearted humor into the way you say things. And also a big one is approaching people / the opposite sex, in a way that is compassionate and helpful because frequently people are ‘dealing’ with something, and may appreciate a helping hand, literally or metaphorically, it often just means being their to listen. We think we have to use all these complex pickup-lines but often girls just want a guy who will be there to listen.
Now when I see girls I like, I am finding simple appropriate ways to let them know I like them. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. And sometimes even if you know the right way, it might not work on certain people, like if they are too shy. Yet I’ve seen this work in all kinds of places, even at work where relationship are not allowed, I will be making tons of eye contact with cute girls/women and feeling connection and chemistry to them. It is all very ‘appropriate’. Yet keeping things appropriate allows me to feel lots of great feelings of connection or attraction without ever ‘crossing any lines.’
Even if a girl has a boyfriend she often won’t have a problem with this, because she will see you as a friend, yet the attraction will still be fully there, it is quite different from a ‘friend zone’ where she thinks you are safe or smart or reliable but feels no attraction. Just learning how to make more rhythmic eye contact and enjoy her company, focus less on your anxiety if you have that, is already a way to get out of this ‘friend zone’. I don’t agree that the friend zone is permanent, I think it can be changed in a single day if you have learned to cultivate chill and good vibes in yourself. They will always respond to the vibes and feel attracted and it isn’t about the words. Always make sure not to over-focus on her, in the moment or thought the day, cultivate good vibes through being around and enjoy the company of groups of different people, look for people you like ‘your peers’ people you think are cool, this will grow the incentive, and remind yourself ‘I deserve to be around people like this’.
Also it is very good to have many friends of the opposite sex, particular those you are attracted to, this will add to a seance of contentment so you don’t over-focus on one girl. See the beauty in many different people. As I like to say “I like all the flavors.” The blonds, red heads brunets, skinny girls, thick girls. They all have different yet special qualities. When I first began feeling attracting I would fixate on one or two girls and ignore 100 others. Now I notice just taking time to look at people more I will start to notice how attractive they are, some girls don’t stand out right away, their qualities are subtle, but when you notice them they can become very profound or even additive.
Once it took me 3 weeks to notice this girl was even attractive, but now I think she is the most cute and adorable girl I know. With some girls it is right away. Sometimes it takes me 5 seconds to notice a girl is really hot. Some qualities can be hidden at first, but when you are looking for them and know they are there you find them faster. Sure it sounds perverted in some aspects, yet by doing this I find myself noticing and feeling attracted to a broad spectrum of girls. I am seeing the unique qualities of a large group of different people. And it makes it way easier not to fixate on a specific girl.
I bumped into this pretty girl one the street who is the front desk secretary at work. I was like “hey!” I try to emote the emotion I feel in a simple way when I say hello. I don’t mean talking ‘louder’, that’s a common confusing that louder is better or more exciting. I just mean that I try to put the genuine emotion i am feeling into my voice and eyes. I notice often they will respond to that. She responded like “hey!” right back. I felt that she was fully responsive just to me showing some enthusiasm, she felt she could show it back. I haven’t had any real conversations with her before, but just giving her a “hey!” with a little energy seemed to create a connection with her the old me would have never known was possible. It was really ’emotion’ more then loudness. Just by choosing to ‘feel’ that emotion to attracted-ness or love for her, to focus on it and stir it back up in that moment as i say “hey” she can actually feel what I am feeling.
This is because emotions are chemicals in the brain and those chemicals will teleport over to her mirror neurons, just kidding, I find our current scientific view to be confining, even primitive. I like to see the emotions as energetic electric (or bioptotonic) waves or pulses generated from the heart. The chemicals and hormones are part of it, but the energetic wave part may be even more important.
Often people just ‘get louder’ to show you they are interested, this really irritates me actually, and it’s funny because when I was trying to get girls i did this all the time. It’s funny when people are like shouting in your face “hello! good morning!” And you are like “hey…” ‘back up a bit’. It’s like they are disappointed you didn’t congratulate them on their great social skills. Often these shouter type people are the ones telling me to work on my social skills. I’m like, ok, whatever you say. Often this being loud and socially forceful is what passes for ‘great social skills’ or a ‘social role-model’ in our society, it really pisses me off. Then when people get irritated by it that type of person will be like “oh it is because they don’t have social skills. they are just ‘struggling’.”
It’s annoying that being yourself is considered ‘struggling’ to some people. Going at your own pace, taking time to yourself. Not enjoying people who are forceful hyper or condescending. I’ve seen this with lots of people and not just me. If you socialize in a different way that doesn’t mean you need to read 10 self improvement books and go to rigorous yoga classes every day, you don’t need a big depressing intervention and social shaming for your ‘problem’. Maybe the way you socialize is right for you. People will always say heavy/serious and confusing things about how you need to ‘improve’ yourself. It’s a mindfuck and I’ve been so much better off ever since i just stared turning in out. I’m not ‘hiding’ or running from the truth. I just finally after many years realized that all that self improvement stuff wasn’t working for me, a lot of it is bullshit. I was running in circles all my life. Finally i realized that the common wisdom of ‘trying hard and harder’ just didn’t make sense. I socialize in my own different way, and i am way happier then i have ever been, I hang around more but i have my own totally unique methods. I just enjoy myself mostly. I see myself as worthy. Girls dig me now.
It is funny there are a bunch of people who tell me about how I am “struggling.” Because I have my own way of doing this. I’m like “I am actually a lot better then I have ever been.” The old me never got girls. But he was academically and athletically a success. I could get A’s and B’s. I could run 5 or even 10 miles a few times each week. I did martial arts. I meditated a lot. I had discipline. I was a success in many ways, but my heart was overcome by a deep emptiness. Things like love and creativity, the things that really mattered to my heart, they eluded me, i was always ‘blocked’ creatively and socially. I’m so much more satisfied now. Yet people are always looking to improve something, even now.
People are always looking to improve or tell others how to improve, but it actually becomes a deceptive pursuit. I’m like “Actually I am pretty content, I think I turned out really well.” I’ve been through some difficult situations but I have skills to handle it well, I really beat the odds. People with higher authority roles over me tell me I need to learn to love myself, that I’m not motivated, that I expect something for nothing, that I am biased by privilege, that I need to improve my social skills, they say all kinds of funny things when I don’t just ‘do what they say’ it’s a way of controlling you. It’s not real. People live there lives conforming to patterns that don’t really benefit anyone, and it is scary when you question those patterns. Because it means that they really have been hurting themselves and others all this time.
There are actually lots of beautiful girls at my work. Guess I lucked out… though I’m not allowed to have relationships with them, that’s the catch, yet I feel great being around them and I develop friendships with them. The old me would have focused on one of them and been sad that it never amounted to anything more. Now I focus on a who range of people and or girls, but I work on my friend connections with all of them. It’s not really a ‘friend zone’ because I feel chemistry with them, some more then others, it feels like good practice for the real thing. It is good experience and it also makes me seem popular or desirable. Maybe that sounds superficial but it helps when a girl comes along who actually is available. This really amazing hot girl came into my life recently and I will wright about that more in another post.
Sexual Energy Cultivation
the Social and Emotional Benefits of Enjoying ‘Self Love’
in a World that finds it ‘Best not Spoken of’
When i first wrote this my perspective was a lot more strict. I’ve since realized that enjoying activities like masturbation has really improved my relaxation levels and well being, and the over all quality of my life… as long as it is enjoyed as an emotional experience and not just a race to the finish, a race to the orgasm, the physical pleasure.. This is really an important distinction that has shifted everything for me, the way i think about love, self love and sex… starting a few years ago when it all kind of ‘clicked’. Masturbation and sex it’s just this anticipation of orgasm.. but rather a long drawn out emotional experience that involves many kinds of subtle appreciation of body and feeling emotions in your heart, the physical organ.. feeling the flow of the energy in your body. when i used to masturbation only for pleasure it didn’t last as long and could be very very unstable… addictive yet increasingly less satisfying somehow. It has gotten so much better since i started doing it for the ‘heart felt’ joy of it all… appreciating female beautify.. it make me feel warm inside.. and when i go back out I actually feel more connected to people.
“this is indulgence, not heath”
Society can have a way of shaming this kind of activity… or making it like something that is ‘unspeakable’ yet it’s crazy how much it has improve my life… just to really deeply enjoy the emotional experience of masturbation. the first time i had sex this very expreiced girl told me i was one of her best expreices… and that meant a lot to be… but really i had been doing it this way on my self for a long time… enjoying sexuality as a full body expreice.. not just racing towards the orgamisam. and similarly… as i talked about years ago in the article below… orgasming… ejaculating too much can lead to a depletion of the bodies sperm count.. it actually starts to take a toll on your physical stamina and well being… this combines with the way pleasure is addictive. yet you can masturbate for the full body heart felt joy of it all.. appreciating all the subtle things more… and enjoy it way more.. ejaculate less.
It feels like the kind of think you shouldn’t talk about. Yet understanding this.. has been so helpful in my life.. that it is hard to stay quite about it. Others have also found it really interesting.. even if sometimes one person in the room is rolling their eyes. Do you really .. need to be talking about .. you know.. that? I’m sorry.. but yes i do. the truth is, going into the glorious details.. i only ejaculate about once every three to five times i masterube… This isnt’ a rule… just some info about what has worked for me. but there are many ways to get a benefit from this. for me.. this way it ‘isn’t too strict’ yet it actually is fully natural for me to do this… It sounds strange at first.. yet has so much benfit with my energy and positive feelings that it is section nature. I don’t depelate my bodies sperm count when i need it for the stamina boost. but saving sperm is hardly the only way to boost your stamina… though I’ve found it to be very helpful in my life on many occasions… such that it has been a life long practices… to not just carelessly waist it all the way we do growing up as horny teens. I think i always felt so depleted and exhausted back then as a teen because i ejaculated so often, as much as once or twice a day.. that’s way to much if you really want to tape into a kind of deep powerful energy in your life. it becomes a cycle. masturbate more.. feel tired. talk to people less. The truth is i can actually maturate longer then i used to… and enjoy it more.. yet i ejaculate less…. and i think a lot more about the emotions… and the body feelings.. and they way my ‘fantasy’ person might be feeling.. what she might be saying and doing… and it’s not just about ass and tits… it becomes something a lot more somehow… like this whole narrative.. that is very relaxing and has a way of never ending really.
what is it really that makes it so great?
a larger ‘variety’ of ‘turn ons’
When you just masturbate to butts and nothing else that takes the soul out of it somehow. There is a rythem to it.. and i realize my best sexual feelings often were directly connected to a special emotional feeling i also had about that person. And when i see that the sexual feeling is a way to want to known and feel the ‘soul’ of the other… it becomes a lot more human and loving… when you just masturbate to the physical body part and think of nothing else… it is like drinking a can of coke. it is great at first… but it starts to become hollow over time. I really want to promote that people enjoy this type of thing.. i think it is too shamed and shunned away sometimes. it’s crazy how positively people have reacted to me when I’ve had sexual thoughts and feelings i didn’t used to permit myself to have. it’s a powerful kind of energy. and in the right way… when it is emotional and not just about pleasure… it can create a lot of feelings of connection between you and the people you are attracted to. I feel it all the time… these ‘sexual’ feelings i thought were ‘inappropriate’ that actually draw me closer to people i want to attract… a fire between us.. people lighting up. it is ok.. we all feel this way. It’s at the root of who we are. the ‘root chakra’. It even has this important place in the Buddhist religion and probably others. Ancient people seemed to be aware that sex is a connector and it isn’t the scary sin we sometimes make it out to be, when we repress the feeling, when we treat it with fear… when we are afraid we are unloved. There are even massive ancient statues depicting people touching their genticals.. their groin… as though it was so important to stay connected to your genitals that they had to engrave it in stone for all time for all to see.
heart chackra masturbation
When you enjoy masturbation as an emotional experience, a full body experience of loving the other, even just as a mental image or fantasy, it actually is a way of practicing to be a better lover… and i find it to be much more exciting that way.. i actually feel much better after doing it. when you just go for the pleasure.. it becomes increasingly less satisfying.. like another drugs. it’s all in the way you go about it and not actually as much about how little or much you do it. it’s all in the ‘way’ really. And in this way you can have the best of both world. You can saver sensations by not going right for the orgasm. not making it all about that. You get the same benefits as a person who practices ‘no fap’ as they say on the internet lol… the benefits of a person who practices abstinence. This benefit of really being able to feel the feeling and appreciate all the little sensations… it isn’t just about abstaining from the pleasures and joys of life… rather over the years I’ve found it to be about how i attune to them. abstaining from passion can became an uphill battle. There are magical and mysterious forces in the basic nature of the universe, in love and human connection.. and attuning to them.. to the river of energy that flows through the body, between people… just thinking about the other person.. makes the act of ‘self love’ this healing and enjoyable experiences. we get in the habit of thinking transformation has to mean doing something ‘uncomfortable’ but lately I’ve found it to be the opposite. the more i heal… the more comfortable i become in my own skin. just walking inot a room and ‘already’ feeling connected to people while doing very little at all. I go home. i take care of myself (lol). We doing allow it enough. we don’t talk of it.
Sometimes as a joke i refer to this as “heart sex”. Enjoying the way sexual activity makes you feel emotionally in your heart, appreciating the full range of body sensations, and noticing how this has a way of drawing out the experience. Sex and even masturbation become a way of becoming “more connected” because it cultivates a possible feeling. When you aren’t addicted to the pleasure… it is easyer to stop and take breaks… to have a rytehm… to enjoy the slow parts… you don’t haev to race into the plasrue… and when you aren’t going stragit for it.. you star to let in this range of other senstions and emotions.. now you have given yourself pmression to enjoy this.. and when your body starts to relax.. you feel more. We get so used to being busy all the time.. that we don’t even notice we aren’t even relaxing. and sex and masturabiotn are activites that are both relaxing and energizing at the same time.
they don’t need to know
People feel that i was in a good zone, and they don’t always need to know that part of that is because i just had a great ‘soulful’ masturbating thinking about a cool girl at work or something. I often find the pleasure is better and has a stronger revitalizing affect when it isn’t just about focusing on sexy body parts.. that is deifnly a really big ‘part’ of it as a man.. yet for me over time it has become rythem of many things… appreciating the woman’s face… her personality.. even just as a fantasy in your head. it was truly strange when i started having sex.. and how close it actually was to my fantasy. of course plenty of unexpected things happen. But it was like i had really learned to love myself.. to stop waiting for seme hot girl to make my life amazing by laying her body on top of mine. I just finally let that go over the years.. because i always felt i could be happy.. so i just thought about the ideal kind of girl.. that soulful love… and masturbation became soulful.. life became more soulful. It’s almost profound in a way that pleasure becomes better when your really thinking about loving the ‘soul’ of the other… because really that has been what it was about from the beginning. the body is this extension. yet when you just love the body.. it is like taking drug hit that wears off. and when you love the soul… you think about the other person as being a ‘beautiful soul’ like you…. suddenly every moment is new… the physical pleasure and enjoyment of the body has a way of continuing. They body is very enjoyable.. yet it is in a way a subtlest, secondary to loving the soul. the energy that comes though the body.. and the free will.. the will inside it. Conversation can be very stimulating. Just thinking about a sexy conversation you might have with somebody. Through this appreciation of the soulfulness of love.. the emotions and the body energy, focusing less on orgasm and genital pleasure as the only source of passion.. you incorporate a variety of things.. finding a variety of what you love about the other person.. it creates this rythem… you gain this growing appreciation of the act… you gain the befits of deep appreciation i once only thought you could get from ‘abstaning’ for very long perosdy.
Back then i would abstae from sexual activity for weeks and months so i could ‘feel’ more a love, more passion… And I found this practice to be effective and it gave benefits to my life. this new appreciation for this. i would ‘feel’ this body energy in life. and enjoy the emotions and sensations of life more… sensations i hadn’t even really noticed before. yet now i’ve imporved the sitaiton further, furthered my connection to ‘the energy’… while also being less hard on myself then I had been before.
best of both worlds.
when the easy way is actually right
Now simply by enjoying masturbation as an emotional heart experience and less of a physical pleasure… i enjoy the whole expreice more.. i get the benefits of absnese… the best of both worlds. Other spiritual people like me are ‘abstaining’ in order to grow their sense of ‘energy’ and connection to the universe.. while i am masturbating… yet enjoying it as a spiritual expreice… and getting all the same benefits of feeling ‘high’ but it is actually even better because the masturbation relaxes me… so my spiral ‘colleagues’ feel high from the absence… while i feel both ‘high’ and relaxed. And that has been another key turning point in my life. learning that ii can feel both joyful and relaxed at the same time. Joy doesn’t have to be hyper or difficult to maintain.. and relaxation doesn’t have to imply a risk of depression. Finding the emotional (heart) passion in all things makes life both relaxing and joyful at the same time. when for most of my life those things could seem like opposites. Joy felt hard to obtain because i didn’t know i could harmonize my emoitnal heart energy with the universe around me. Joy became attached to matrial things that deprecate in value. The new way can still often feel ‘too easy’, getting befits without sacrifice.
This section is mostly about the male body but as women it could help to understand too.
I struggled allot feeling depleted even as a young teen. I remember a time when life just seemed to become more depressing and I didn’t know why. At the point in my life when I was being spiritual and motivated to the highest degree, I once went an entire year where I only masturbated 4 times. During this year my energy was much higher then ever before, and my social charisma, I also spend time working an internship at a spiritual retreat I enjoyed, and meeting women with my dating coach. Yet I felt a clear connection between not masturbating and energy increase. I had heard some yogis speak of this and I thought it was worth seeing how far I could draw it out, just how much energy could I get from this. the thing was I really didn’t understand why it worked, and that made me both more likely to give in later on, and more likely to be too hard on myself. I became about denying myself all desire, I thought this brought me life energy, but I was wrong.. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
my journey finding a formula
I was years later that I put it together, I found a formula. After years of denying myself all types of desires like the buddha I became very week and decrepit. I experimented a lot and eventually figured out masturbation was totally healthy in a way i now feel definitive about and actually produced a degree of energy through positive emotional and pleasure stimulation. The energetic losses and gains had to do with ejaculation and sperm. I found that by not ejaculation for days and weeks I would already see significant increase in my energy. I believe this is true for all mean. it has to do with the energy seamen contain, it is the energy of stem cells, incredible energy to produce newborn life in just one cell in millions we have and expend when we cum.
Now I enjoy the masturbation but tend not to cum very often, I just get board, the first part is enjoyable and enhanced by my increased energy, the end part is short and sweet, yet not worth feeling down for days afterwards. I tend to save it up. Yogis and buddhism can become too much about denying pleasure and I no longer promote this at all. There are two ways to get the energy increase, maybe three ways. One you just don’t masturbate that often, two you masturbate but don’t ejaculate, I prefer this or a mixture, but it takes a degree of self control or skill, but this control is easier when you express the energy increase, and cuming is totally healthy and important now and then, I still like it now and then just for the sake of it, but it can be like eating a giant cake, I don’t go there all the time.
Important to note, this withdrawal from ejaculation has to be done in combination with playful social activity, or manful creative activity, and time spent around people, sunlight, groups of people, in relaxed playful connections, you have to get the other healthy experience and energies of life and spend time in places and environments that make you feel good, having a playful attitude that helps you feel good. If you just are alone in a room for a year and don’t masturbate at all, it won’t increase your energy, your sperm will increase, but the lack of fun and sunlight will greatly outweigh that increase, this took a very long time for me to understand even after closely paying attention to subtle details for many years making it my life mission to understand my body and how to tap it’s energy.
Just going 3 days with out ejaculating, your energy will increase, your social charisma, attractiveness to the opposite sex, physical health, deep inner energy and power, strength, the increase in sperm cells will increase the energy of your entire body. This is my special hack, you can masturbate, just don’t ejaculate if you desire to experience this increase. I find this had been an important source of energy in my life, and has turned EVERYTHING around, it has got me success with women, women sitting in my lap, literally; things that would never have happened to the old me who masturbated and ejaculated EVERY DAY that was where all my energy was going as a teen, ever since I started ejaculating, my body was dumping a big portion of it’s energy into the waist bin. All that life force in the trash. It’s hard not to get that sweet final orgasm at first, but it gets a lot easier, the increase for me is so drastic that I don’t even think about it.
masturbating vs ejaculating
As a semi side note, masturbating less tends to make the masturbating more exciting. Many of us get addicted to it like a drug, I don’t recommend masturbating twice or more a day for anyone, I tend to do it once every two days on average, sometimes it’s juts once a week, I really don’t think about it. I could call this article the benefits or reduced ejaculation, but I wanted to ease you into it and say how and why first.
the limits / no limits
If you go longer and longer without ejaculating your body keeps saving the sperm and now there is more life energy flowing through your blood, your sack can reach full capacity after just 3 or 4 days of not masturbating, yet once the ‘glass is full’ so to speak, the ‘tank is full,’ now you are just beginning to reap that energy benefit. You can go on expressing energy increases for weeks and weeks if you can hold off that long. It’s great because you can do this however you choose, you can hold off a little on the ejaculation every week and experience benefits, you could stop totally for multiple weeks if you really feel compelled by this and just want to see how far your energy can increase. Some have gone years without doing it, but that is not required, I experience significant benefits and my social and emotional health, my social charisma and creative all increase after just days of not ejaculating, after weeks there is even more benefit, and I can masturbate as much as I want if I don’t cum, that takes skill and if you go at it too often eventually you get tired and come.
I ejaculate rarely, because the increase of energy I get is so drastic it is always with it. It is even fun to see how long I can go without giving in. You can be easy on yourself and get plenty of benefits still. Start with ejaculating less, like once every three or four days, then try to go a week without. If you don’t experience benefits then you can stop, or start rather. But just this should be enough. Look for increased magnetism with the opposite sex. Increased emotions in your chest, particularly when you make eye contact with people. Good luck!
Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
“In every culture and medical tradition before ours, healing was accomplished by moving energy” – Albert Szent-Györgyi (1937 Nobel Prize for Medicine)
The 9 play varieties are: move, music, chat, feel, art, imagine, touch, random, suspense. Rather these are the fun ‘nicknames’ I have given them. We will explore all of the categories of play in depth and how they relate to each other. You can categorize play types in many ways, I chose this way to show how different play types relate and intersect. Play types are all different patterns of energy as perceived through different senses.
Each play variety has ‘flavors’ within that type. like red, blue, green, or fast, slow, jittery, or happy, sad, reminiscent. Normally I don’t think about play varieties while I am playing, I don’t categorize them, yet it can help to be aware of it before hand, like you have to plan or set up an environment where play can happen, you plan to not plan, that’s the sort of paradox or zen of it. it’s about taking it in, and then trusting your subconscious to do it all without having to think about it.
These categories are just base categories, like primary colors, there are countless secondary categories or even new categories you can create by combining and modifying the different play types. I’ve included many subcategories of play also. I numbered the play varieties to give them emphasis, but they have no order.
Attributes of Play
Before we start, these are some characteristics of play itself that apply to all types of play.
Play is an activity done primarily for enjoyment, yet can have huge productive and creative benefits. It’s about doing what contributes to our personal feeling of enjoyment much more then it is about impressing others with the most clever joke. And allowing the subtle energy of my enjoyment to become a force that benefits others too.
Play often involves something new, or something you haven’t done for a period of time. Play involves variety, more then repetition. Or even a new twist on something done before.
Play can be random. It needs no linear order or logic. Play usually involves a degree of randomness, choosing between equally appealing options for the sake of creative freedom and being unique. The freedom to be random is a big one we often lose sight of, allowing ourselves to be random liberates us, frees our natural need for movement in this moment we can’t take time to calculate or predict.
Play has a harmony or rhythm. It has many different ‘notes’ or actions, yet occasionally they will repeat, or return to a theme, to familiar ‘notes’ to from a ‘harmony’. a sense of familiarity. This is because play is constructive, not pure destructive chaos, it has an organic order or resonance.
Play involves two or more people or objects interacting. Person with person, person with object, person with person with object, etc.
Play is collaborate and constructive more then it is competitive or destructive.
Play builds into an energetic flow, play produces energy, and the benefit of this flow increase the longer it continues without interruption.
People and objects in our universe that do not play or move for too long will lose energy.
9 Varieties of Play
a sequence of sounds that repeat and vairry to from a melodic harmony, going all the way from the particle level, to creating waves of energy large enough to be heard by our ears and felt by multiple senses.
‘chat’ is the cutesie nickname i give it, but the meaning of this type of play is language and music. the word ‘chat’ implies a relaxed conversation. puzzles and games are similar in that they involve many combinations, like a code that can be put together in many ways, symbols that represent physical things and abstract concepts, the gateway to imagination.
games, card games, video games. using constraints can actually add to the freedom of the play experience in a paradoxical way. like creating ‘suspense’ makes the reward better often. games are a mixture of what i call puzzle, compete, and suspense play. there is some kind of specific objective and props involve that take it different places, produces a different experience then a conversation might go where the only limit is imagination. the quality of having different types of constrains, different rules, and different objectives is what makes each game fun and interesting.
Much of our human lives are already constrained with limits like gravity, or mortality, needing to eat sleep and work, so often we just want more time to let loose without rules, so that is why we have the other forms of play.
Imagine, to simulate reality or fantasy possibilities inside ones mind, believe it or not i find the mind can simulate and stimulate all these senses from inside itself, meaning, when the heart has absorbed enough energy, the mind can be like a virtual reality machine, creating experiences that feel almost repeal inside itself, like a dream, but with practice you can control your dreams, or even create something similar while you are awake. the power of imagination is a great tool for simulating reality, and it also has the power to imagine beyond reality, to explore things that ‘could be’ gaining types of freedom you body may not have.
Work Play/ Purpose Play, the play of making chores, the work you have to do (to keep society running) into fun, so you can enjoy them more and get through them easer, with energy to spare so you can enjoy the play of your choice afterward. in addition it’s always good to question which work you really do need to keep society running, and what is just ‘collective unconscious’ patterns of ‘false knowledge’ humans repeat in fear of not knowing what to do with their free time. this is a huge topic i will talk more about later. most ideally you can turn your work into your passion / vise versa, so the activities you love most are the activities that most benefit the world, that way you become like perpetual motion, creating and innovating in the world actually gives you energy, so you keep creating more and don’t run out (until your like 100 years old lol)
4) Take In,
feelings sensations and energy inside the body usually sparked by an outside person place thing, or a thought or another feeling inside the body itself. also sparked by visuals, sounds, smells, etc.
enjoying all the types of energies and sensations that happen inside your body while you play, often prompted by inspiration / sensation from the outside world, or also can be purely internal at times (like when you dream or close your eyes and ponder/feel)
this is the play of witnessing something, an event, a person, a thing, a place, a flower, a tree, the natural beauty of life and the world.. too often witnessing is seen as purely passive or uninvolved, witnessing is not given credit for the amount of activity that happens inside the body as we witness something that touches us emotionally. witnessing if a fundamental and underrated play type, that allows us to relax and receive energy for a change in a world that gets stuck in the mode of producing and giving, to point of self sacrifice. in witnessing or ‘take in’ play we receive and nourish the energies and needs of the body. take in play happens in conjunction with all the other types of play, we play with our bodies, interacting with the external world, and we feel something inside our bodies as we do this. and both the external and internal energetic reactions flow in and out together in a harmony, it is important that both happen together or felt in back and froth. often we get too focused on one or the other, just navel gazing internal reflection, or external people pleasing with a loss of our own emotions and relaxed self. we need to find the rhythm of both.
take in play is important, a huge category that is often overlooked, because it happens inside the body on an energetic level where our eyes can’t see it, it is primarily felt. and it is not selfish, it is essential in listening to people, fully ‘taking in’ what they are saying, and in our own well being. as they say ‘love yourself to love others’. this helps give a bit more description about the meaning of that phrase. play for me shows me ‘how’ to love myself. as well as receiving light energy, like sunlight, and biophotons, or residual human energy.
5) Random Play: so often play has totally random origin, and this is essential. we wait, hours days and life times we wait, just for someone to tell us what to do. why won’t my dreams come true yet? maybe in 5 more years that girl will go out with me. no. it will never happen. the big secret is you don’t have to wait a single moment. when you use the right portion of randomness to grow your play, you can create fun right out of thin air. the fabric of our universe, at the base level everything is quantum foam, a random dance of wild vibrating particles. i like the phrase ‘wild compassion’ because i see living beings as being part ‘wild’ part ‘compassion’. half animal, half angel. the ‘wild’ is the martial side. life is a constant flood of random material information, chaos. yet all these random disorganized things in life can be converted into vital meaningful energy as though with the snap of your fingers. you just have to see it as -play-. it rains, i can tell a story about something good that happened to me in the rain. i see a picture on the wall, it reminds me of a weird girl i half dated, that improves my mood. better play is often intentional, basket balls that are carefully crafted to be basket balls for just the right bounce and light weight touch for the game. but as you play basket ball, all the random factors, the force of the wind, the sunlight, effect the ball, effect your mood, it’s random, but it is also meaningful, because no 2 games are the same, each day is full of subtly different factors, putting you in a position that you have to adapt each day, for a different experience of the game of life. instead of seeing random events as a hindrance, i see it as something that will give a new twist to my day or week, make it unlike any other. that that variety fuels my energy in the long run. without all that random different stuff going on in the universe, the day gets boring, and we all actually lose energy! sometimes all you have to do is control things less, and fun just starts appearing out of no where! it wants to happen. it can be scary at first not to plan everything, but when you learn to go with the fun opportunities that appear, you see that they have a rhythm, and unseen yet real energy field, a safety net that holds you in them, in the experience of play and the magnetic joining of people. when you can’t think of anything to say, but it feels like silence isn’t right either, you go with random. we think random is meaningless. yet it is actually -essential-, is what so many people never get. randomness is the makeup of the universe, and randomness is great fun! when there is a moment that feels missing something, whenever there is, I go with something random, it comes from somewhere, maybe something reminded me of it, maybe it was something we were talking about an hour ago, a day ago, maybe it’s something cool I was waiting for a good time to mention, it can get more basic, random colors, random feelings, focusing on something fresh in your mind feels good, it’s whatever pops into my mind, something around me probably made me think of it, but it’s not important that I know that, now that I have it, I feel a little better, and I turn it into part of the conversation, something slightly related to previous topics, or a totally new topic, (remember the alternative is not thinking of anything to say at all when you may really want to) it doesn’t have to be something all that smart, often the best roots of creativity and connection between people are simple, basic, a simple feeling, being captivated by a color, a sound, a few notes of music, something pleasant. energy is simple, but our eyes can’t see wave energy, so we always overlook it! we need it. now that you have this new random thing in your mind, see if you can speak it some how.
Variety: all the forms of play are all about variety, the play of switching between different flavors, colors, etc, and the play of switching between different types of play.
Layered play: the play of combining and recombining different types of play.
the most sophisticated multilayered kind of play. this play is about the many layers.this is the play of evolved minds, the play of humans. the play of many layers.
Surprise: play is all about something new, something different something fresh. the play of the unexpected. just by enjoying one thing, it means you are not doing something else, and thus you are creating distance and time for that other thing to feel new and different again. while you are at the mall.. you are enjoying yourself there, and forgetting the sensations of being on the beach.. so when you finally get back to the beach, it really feels like a fresh and different experience, because you are not their every hour or every day. knowing this helps because i know if i get board of a particular activity, all i have to do is leave it for a few hours, a few days, do something else, and when i come back, that activity I love will be fun again, i will have fresh reined love for it. too often we live life in a melancholy wondering why things that used to make us happy don’t any more. It’s because we find one thing we love, and then we sap the ‘play value’ out of it by doing it too long. we don’t alternate our activities enough for the sake of enjoyment. we get addicted to the specific ’material’ of something, because we don’t understand the varieties of play, and how to use the act of play to create energy from ourselves and all things. take note of the thing you love, then find something different, then come back to the first thing, then try the first think in different ways. always recombining different things and ways of playing in different ways.
location of things, color, often visual, contrast, variety, balance, the aesthetically pleasing and organize location of objects and furniture in space helps the flow of energy. just as a beautiful painting that conveys emotion is more pleasing and uplifting then a splotch of mud. Even art that appears random often has an emotion it conveys, stimulating the play and sensory feeling circuits inside the body of those who witness the art. art is a visual language, and a language of physical objects and gestures, which our eyes can see. while music is a language of sound, unseen to the eye, yet just as powerful. looking at a painting, taking in the beautifully of a landscape, this is the play of ‘art’. It’s important to set up your house to have an aesthetic just as you would paint a painting, or write a article in a way that catches the readers interests.
Object Play: playing with things, objects, toys, props, dolls, play weapons. play objects also become a focal point for attention and energy and play possibilities even before or weather or not you pick them up. play usually tends to involve and interaction with an object of some kind, or the environment, so this is an attribute that applies to most varieties of play, that play involves objects, play is an interacting between things and people, or people and people.
7) grow/Empower, Suspense
spending, healing, the play of changing the world. bringing cultural change to large places.
possibly a sub category of ‘move’ because it relates to distance. suspense details with much longer distances that move.
all play emerges from a dormant or suspended state, released from the fabric of the universe that binds it.
manifesting empowerment in people can be seen as the act of sharing skills that release ‘suspense’ or tension.
we are all born into some degree of suspension or tension and fulfillment in life is learning the ways to release that tension. however counterintuitively the tension itself is what created the joy of release.. while often their is an imbalance or surpluss of tension in our world, there are times when we do want to crease suspense, like the suspense of the journey that builds to a desertion, the suspense in a game, a mystery, a good tv show. simply creating suspesen or delay adds to the reward or unveiling later on. it creates depth and dimension. this is the mysterious play, the spiritual experience, the rewarding feeling at the end of a long long journey you didn’t think you could survive. the play we don’t see, the illusive, the chills of transformation experience, touching the divine. it is the play of shadows, of challenge, pushing the limits. empowerment is the opposite or the release of suspense, yet the two may actually create eachtoehr if you look beyond the universe itself. a person wise beyond this world might say taking a wound, is, being empowered.
our universe is not a ’neutral zone’ and can be considered a giant dome of ‘suspense play’. everything is a challenge that tests our limits. a quest for survival and to discover the mysteries of life. we are so used to this subtle challenge that pulls on us that we don’t realize it is there. very real challenges pull on us every day. calling it ‘suspense play’ is a kind way of putting it. there may be other universe where this isn’t so. you could say we are suspended beneath a heavy piece of anti-matter. our universe is a suspense dome that spans 46.5 billion light-years at least, it appears infinite, yet our universe is a place defined more by it’s constraints then it’s freedoms. so i pose that it is not infinite, but simply extremely large. it is possible to stretch the fabric of our dome universe, so this constraint may lose its meaning.
the thrill of testing your skills against another, not a way of life, but fun now and then. too often this is the only type of play we know as adults. it is more of a subset then a primary way of play.
most and many activities usually combine a few or many different types of play at once, for example:
move + art + suspense = adventure
the physicality of moving your body, the suspense of the long journey, the distance traveled, and the art, the beauty of the visual landscape, your reward, combine to create the experience we all know as ‘adventure’ a composite of many types of play. you can also include the internal ‘take in’ body sensations, the feeling of aliveness, but ‘take in’ these internal feelings happen in combination will all types of play, so are not unique to adventure.
play is usually between people, but can happen individually. when people gather play and energy possibilities multiply in a major way. but alone time does have it’s place and importance too.
the 9 varieties of play can each be experience in a few different modes between people. two people can be side by side in parallel play for example each doing their own kind of play, separate, yet in the same space, and their is a benefit to this. i think play is best as something we share, or at least do together. yet at times it benefits us to find the play that is most true to us if that means playing alone at times or around people yet not with people at times. don’t feel you have to be so glued to others that you lose yourself.
Socially disconnected stress patterns, or trauma, are passed down through the generations. These traumas arise not exclusively from physical actions. Often these feelings of disconnect and resulting stress patterns can come from a general absence in the community. Something that didn’t happen. Stress patterns or habits have the guise of accomplishing something, making us better, when they actually keep us in disconnect, taking us away from our social and playful nature. These patterns involve a basic assumption of being ‘not already deserving’ of relationship. This assumption happens on an instinctive level for the human, it is all that is ever known, it is difficult to imagine a different way it could be. The water in which we swim.
A few people don’t know they ‘belong’ and it spreads. Fear associations with people in the mind. The problem is in the mind, the solution is in the heart. These insecurities or traumas of absence take root in the foundation of entire civilizations. We think we need status or power to be attractive to or loved by others. Insecurity is everywhere so no one thinks to question it; like the water in which we swim. We never notice our own basic worth. The social value that we already have, simply by existing. This sea of biolight is everywhere, I can be connected the moment I walk into a space. More people means more potential biolight. More relaxed eye contact and play, means more biolight that circulates.
In the West we prioritize academics and intellectual intelligence – ‘processing speed.’ We value the intellect, the mind, first. Instead of emotionally relating to each other, we end up treating ourselves and others like objects; problems to be fixed, successes to be accomplished, a competition to be won; instead of energetic creatures that need safety connection and play. We relate through our minds, the intellect is first. We accomplish things with will power and mental focus instead of allowing and receiving naturally occurring feelings of love or passion. The heart becomes secondary. There is no space or awareness to feel emotion in relation to each other, to know we are already deserving of this bond.
Education in our society is a product of the Industrial Age. We are ‘productivity’ focused. Producing honor students, that make it to the Ivy League, that run competitive business. Yet when some are the best, it implies others are the worst. We strive to achieve great success, because deep down we feel that we don’t ‘already matter.’ The focus on competition, achievement, intellect, could be seen as a type of nation wide insecurity, a social fear spanning across a nation, and beyond. We prioritize intelligence, status, and economic success as a culture to socially validate ourselves. “What are you studying?” “Where do you work?” We ask these questions the moment someone walks in. We simply don’t know what else to talk about. As a culture we feel the need to compete and be the best. To validate ourselves. We want that feeling of recognition. It’s not wrong to want to feel good, to feel love. However going after it this way, it is always somehow beyond reach. Some are able to thrive within this system, many are not. Yet even those who are beautiful, intelligent, successful, who achieve every standard, deep down they still feel confusion, insecurity. They are loved, they are famous, yet the attention they get feels like it comes for the wrong reasons. One finds popularity, fame, yet they don’t feel loved for who they already are. The fame actually becomes a burden. It feels like an act, that will at some point fall apart. Others get the money, the success, yet it doesn’t complete them, something is always missing.
Many of our struggles come from an over focus on the mind, and our solutions involve a focus on the mind. Instead of paying attention to the (energetic) needs of the heart, we as a culture focus on career achievement. School, the therapeutic process, a business, and more, often become ways of a qualified person teaching a student specific skills which focus inwards on individual success. …When in fact I believe seeking out playful, creative relationship itself is the healing medicine that is needed and largely missing. We relate through knowledge and skills, that our in fact ways of socially qualifying, validating ourselves. We don’t value the relationship itself. We only make eye contact when we have important words or clever statements. We do this because we don’t feel that we already matter in relation to each other. Relationship is scary; it’s dynamic, not as solid and straight forward as a simple conversation tactic, multiple choice problem, or breathing exercise; yet relationship is the essential piece to well being.
Everything in Western culture encourages sitting still for long periods of time, schools, work, even movie theaters, restaurants. It is possible this prolonged culturally ingrained stillness creates an energetic drain on the body, (adding to the drain that is already there from social disconnect.) We value ourselves as separate individuals, the inward antisocial focus adds to the state of drain. Moving feels exhausting. Yet in truth not moving may be even more exhausting. We are creatures of movement. With prolonged stillness the body falls into an energetic depression, a slump. One can no longer identify that movement feels good. As creatures of play and movement, many times moving is less exhausting than staying still. I believe we should get in touch with the bodies natural playful movement in our life; Not running miles to be ‘productive,’ but simply expressing a little regular movement. Noticing that it feels good.
The productivity achievement focus in our culture drains the love that circulates in the community. There isn’t enough love energy (biolight, life force) going around to raise most people to a place of feeling naturally –secure-. When ‘anxious attachment’ (people who don’t feel deserving or safe in relationship) pervades in the community this gives rise to avoidant people. Being cut off from the current of social energy, these avoidant people live in a state of constant drain or low body energy. They receive no energy from the community (if you can call it a community.) They’ve never experienced a feeling of sustained safety and play in relation to people.
All too often these ‘no belonging’ people will develop all kinds of troubles and be identified as having a ‘brain disorder,’ when in many cases the underlying problem may be something much more basic. Many of what we call ‘brain disorders’ may be rooted in a basic social energetic absence. This is a quality of the heart and not a problem of the mechanics of the brain. A matter of not feeling safe or socially deserving, effecting the entire nervous system, creating a state of disconnect and drain.
The social confidence that does happen in our society is almost like a ‘happy accident.’ Love and play want to happen, but it’s almost by accident that stress patterns in some communities end up not being as bad, that love and play can naturally occur. Many people are aware of the importance of safety and play on an instinctive – emotional level, but not on a conscious level. These semi-secure people have confidence in relation to each other, in relation to other semi-secure people; yet their security falls apart in relation to an insecure person, or an insecure collective; (from anything to an extreme introvert, a bully, or even a business.) This conditional security many have is not a true recognition of basic human goodness, otherwise it would be powerful in and of itself and would spread and heal insecure people.
It doesn’t have to take decades of self-discovery to become radiant. Some children and young people acquire qualities of confidence, charisma, and radiance immediately just based on their family, community, and environment; how happy and warm his or her community was. We must learn to feel safe and light hearted in the gaze of others. To make eye contact without having to ‘earn it,’ because it benefits us and others, while at the same time listening to the needs of our hearts. With the right approach trauma or stress patterns / habits, and life long personal and relationship conflicts, can be healed fairly quickly. A life changing experience of play and safety can be created. We must give the heart what it needs. Fritz-Albert Popp’s Biophotonics, Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal theory, Diane Pool Heller’s Attachment Theory, and Heart Math research, and my own experience, are all beginning to show this. Leading to an energetic heart based understanding of the human body. (from Naturally Social)