I had some really strange nightmares the other night. There were 3 different ones.
I was in the bathroom of my childhood home.. My friends tried to get my attention.. it was really distracting .. I was mad they interrupted me and didn’t speak to them for a long time. A few days after that event I met this entrepreneur guy.. he was helping me do all these crazy bold things in the world to get more successful.. I was amazed by it all. Only after a while I realized I couldn’t tell if he put any value on things like “feelings” or “vibes” or friendship or me as a person .. We were water-skiing down this wild river then we both hit rocks and got injured. It’s possible that his injuries were worse then mine.. (which could imply that part of me had to die for the other part to move on.. i was injured because i got pulled in with him and his reckless ideas) And all the contacts were deleted off my phone.
In the second dream i was watching this add on TV in one of my groups here at this kids camp I work at that is also a work training program among other things.
The add on TV was for a brand of matches. I saw two different matches being compared. And this guy was explaining how effective they were. The ad said something like “this is Tony.. he died of cancer.. but this is how he wants to be remembered.” And then the guy Tony, an older experienced kind of tough looking guy with silver hair (hard to explain, he had a distinct look, he had a kind of style or charisma about him), He lights a match .. he gets into the tent and the whole tent goes on fire. and tony says “these matches are reliable. for people who want to go with dignity.” then we went around the group and this guy here who’s name is “star” asked how we felt about the add. This is really funny if you think about it when you consider the place i work at and how “happy go lucky” it usually is. and this guy named Star. they were never be showing an ad like this. It is probably illegal to have an ad promoting suicide .. I’ve never even thought about that, but I’m sure it is. We go around the room and people are like “it is interesting” or “good” or “I think the matches were marketable”. No one was saying the obvious so i was like … “well it is very… controversial. Are they allowed to have adds like that on TV”. While i said this i was drinking a cherry vanilla flavored soda.. and i felt that the soda helped me to better articulate my thoughts about what was on the TV.
(It’s strange to think about death.. being something like a “TV” advertisement)
It’s interesting about the soda.. because recently is has been hard to go out and buy things i enjoy.. I also can’t “stock up” on things because i don’t make a lot of money.. having less to snack on makes it harder for me to find a “positive distraction” from dark unresolved contemplations or events in my present and past that come up now and then. So it feels like I can’t “see things clearly” because there isn’t enough “substantial” positive ‘stuff’ in life. Just me in a room killing time until i can go shopping again. We are all afraid to leave because of the current virus pandemic. In the dream it felt important to talk about this TV advertisement, and have an honest open discussion about it.. but many people in the room weren’t paying attention.. yet a sip of that ‘natural sugar’ soda i buy at “whole foods” seemed to clear my mind for long enough to think. It felt important that i contemplated this… yet not be consumed by it.
the Hackers Identity
The last dream was even more crazy.. In the dream there was this important “hacker” or criminal ‘revolutionary’ person.. he had called a meeting to his most trusted inner circle.. in the meeting he would finally reveal his true identity, which was known to no one. … people had all arrived … they waited around for an hour … then found out they all were going to be killed! It turned out the hacker didn’t trust anyone and this had been a test.. because those he really trusted were supposed to know that he would never reveal his identity.
there were two girls and i saw it from there point of view.. one knew not to attend the meeting.. and the other did attend .. but only because she was zoning out a little and she had felt suspicious about the meeting.. and now she was mad that she was going to be killed over this.. and she said something like “you have no idea who i am” there was something the hacker didn’t know about her identity and now she was going to try and defeat him.
The second two dreams feel dark and I’m not sure what to do about them. But believe it or not the first dream actually gives me hope because it implies that i have put faith in the “wrong people”. Because that implies there is something i could change to impove the situation. In the dream.. I was mad at my friend over something that was really just temporary. They were trying to get a hold of me at a bad time.. but maybe i could forgive them. And it’s interesting that in the second part of that first dream the entrepreneur had me doing something that lead ‘specially’ to all the contacts being lost from my phone… aka my friends. Actually the previous day, in reality i had been getting the phone numbers of new friends, but they may have just been ‘work relationships’ and not true friends so it was not a true victory. The dream it implied i had deleted my old friends or my contact with them, which was accurate.
The third dream is a very interesting kind of metaphor for something that happen a few years ago in my life. This time where i felt unsure about my “identity” in life.. and I was hit with a difficult situation where i felt that i didn’t make the right choice because i was distracted.. not totally centered in myself.. so i caved into the pressure of others just to appease them and make the additional the stress they were creating go away.
….The two girls in the dream where in contact with each other by cell phone.. but they had each made different choices. One attended the meeting but felt suspicious about it. the other made the right choice to simply not attend, but she was more of a ‘background’ character. It reminds me of myself… ‘I’ was much like the girl who ‘had’ attended the meeting.. and the other girl was the me I ‘could have’ been… who made the right choice not to get ‘suckered in’ by some kind of group pressure.
I knew i was capable of making the right choice.. even back then.. but this confusion about my “identity” in the world.. had caused me to do all kinds of reckless things back then… and i never realized i might later regret those things. Back then life was all about how “fearless” i could be, to help me get in touch with my true self. That seemed to effect how i made choices. I didn’t make choices thinking about my “physical health” in great detail. I was “spiritual” i had “transcend” the physical… back then. I ended up getting this major dental operation that i knew i didn’t need just so my family would stop worrying about it, to prove to them that i was afraid of nothing. I didn’t do it for myself. And that was hard to accept. Looking back it seemed so random and not helpful to my quest.
The thing about the last dream is that the “hacker” reminds me about how i feel about “God”…. Like if i switch the word “hacker” with God… “God” was going to reveal his “identity”…. if i went face to face with this scary thing… the dental operation my family was pressuring me into… If i got past this … i would once again have time to finish my spiritual quest.. with the distractions of a worrying mother. And maybe facing this fear would even help me. The world would see that I was afraid of nothing. I would then be put in touch with my “destiny” aka the hacker from the dream, what you might even call God… yet it was only to find out that i had been suckered in… to some scheme that had nothing to do with anything.
Now i had this major operation done that added nothing to my life.. that i would always regret… and the best parts of me would be found only after learning to let go of the feeling that created in me… Like the hacker.. God reveals his identity to no one… This all happened at a time when i had been unsure about my “identity” yet my identity had never been lost. I was struggling with external challenges.. and my identity got confused in them.
There are two important people in the dream. the hacker.. and the girl. the girl says “you have no idea who i am”. because she is angry. yet this is also a statement about identity. they got into a trap because they desired to know the identity of the famous hacker.. to have this honor of becoming closer to the enigma of his success. but maybe this isn’t the end of the girls story. towards the end of the dream the girl began shape shifting into other people. Maybe she is limiting herself by trying to be a “hacker”. Maybe she is something else entirely.