facing the fear

I don’t try to convince myself I am not afraid. And that everything is ok. I can’t “tell” myself what is. and what is not. Ultimately…. truth can not be “told”. at the end of the day It can only be felt. So Instead. I notice the fear. Allow the fear. Face the fear. Don’t fear the fear. It is like “fear on top of fear”, I once described it. Fear fighting fear inside me. Fear itself is not your enemy. Fearing fear. that is control. Let in the fear. Allow it too happen. Let the universe show you the way. It feels like a mistake. Like weakness I should not have. Why am I afraid. Does this even make sense. I don’t want to recognize this truth about myself. that i am so week as to be afraid even under normal circumstances. so i block it out. ignore it. Yet letting it is the only way to learn from it. I feel afraid. I feel a calling to be something more. yet am afraid to take it. It is something i can’t know. yet i feel it so clearly. To ground yourself, and connect to something even deeper, to begin to get underneath it, to understand it as a feeling, as a series of events in time and space, and not just as words in my mind. It may change you. the triggers of the fear, they may seem random, but to notice it, the forces around you that create fear, may mean opening yourself to something you have not understood about yourself before. to see something deeper about yourself. how it effects they way you respond to things.
my mind has many solutions and ideas. which one is right? for many weeks months and even years i have wondered. it is almost as though i have too many right answers. many good answer, yet i can’t remember them all. which one is the one i need now? i am good at inventing solutions. but suddenly none of them feel right. the floating mask is also like my shadow self. the me in me that gets in the way. the me i could turn out to be “should i fail” and chose fear. the tentacles that come out of the back of the blank mask. the face represents someone who has no identity. And the tentacles show how this person is “plugged in”, they take joy from the outside, who relies on external things to be happy. so much so that it has become automated. i have all these solution’s. 1 2 and 3. yet it is only because i have turned away from the fear. turned my mind away from what i am feeling. the fear is represented by a face. aka “facing the fear” the face of the fear. the face also represents the person i want to be. and the person i am afraid i will not become. it is so much more then what i can put into words. on the left the little bubbles represent my efforts to control the situation. they seem organized and cute. but they end up becoming very distracting. very illusive. they only pull me away from my truth. revealed to be ultimately nothing more then words. I have dived into my mind, and turned away from the events in life and the events around me. i gaze into hypothetical worlds of things i “could do” and “could have done”. I explore past archives, and become more and more lost, when what i need is to be in the present moment. In my dreams i search my old room, hoping to find something important, yet finding nothing but an old shoe. strange.. Why was it so importation that i look for that? When i face the fear. the feeling. the visual elements, the non verbal stuff that exist before and beyond thoughts words and human langues. the truth of it all. the currents of emotion that run underneath the words. when i look at that feeling. suddenly my mind goes quite. there is nothing left to think about. nothing left to now. Sometimes I sketch images like this. These two were the most helpful. out of hundreds. simple yet effective. it is a kind of “mind map”. I try to draw out what seems to be going on. “What is natural?” I ask myself. After lots of thinking, i am no closer to the truth of this. Finally. I step out of the way. and allow nature to heal me. that has been the best think i can do i have realized. Step out of the way. and allow nature to heal you. In my dream i am trying to mentor a friend who struggles with a complex problem. but as i speak i notice there are contradictions in my thinking, they seem to grow in number and it is hard to clearly explain “the way” to him. then i am interrupted. and when i return. he has found peace. without my help. he is happily engaged in conversation. nature found a way. and i didn’t intervene. how can i become better at not “intervening” in natures process. not trying to control the flower of life that wishes to bloom all by itself. the creative river that flows when i am true to myself. how can i allow nature to do the work. without getting in the way? without thinking and second guessing. My whole life has felt like one big intervention from some outside force. I came into this world learning many stilted and unnatural habits. Learning to accomplish through effort and will power. to succeed by ignoring my feelings. It is even more true then, that I find ways to not stop the process. to allow nature to thrive. without altering, calculating, controlling, editing, and second guessing. Why do bad things happen. I wonder. how can i know the answer to that? why do i want or expect there to be an answer. does it even matter? i am full of regret. the chaos it to much for me to control it all. yet i feel like i should be able to. the pain is too great. .and i know i am not ready to face it. life hits me with things i know i am not ready for. yet i feel there is a way. i have to let go of my mind. let go of control. There are regrets. many feelings. if only life could just be easy. what is the real lesson here? it is good to slow down and make time for these questions. there may be no answer. can i live with that? can i move forward in life without needing a simple answer? Who am i in relationships to this fear. what does it feel like to be me again? when the fear has taken hold for so long. such a long history of letting the fear win. allowing it to make my world small. How has the fear been limiting who i am. and would the fear go away, if i was simply to spend more time being myself. feeling what it feels like to be free again. not needing a reason to be free. but simply being free. There are many confusing choices ahead. But in all choices. put your health first. This is what i am learning. Health comes first, in all areas of life. and that is a feeling. the feeling lets me know what is working and what is not. I am leaning not to control. To “let the situation play out” in all it’s complexity. Whatever that situation may be. Often many traumas are layered together in this giant vortex of ongoing trauma in life. Each time i have a small victory i want to quantify it. To give it a name. a label. So i can use it again. I want a cure to the vortex. But the vortex is always in motion. Life has many moving parts. I expand my awareness and i weigh my options. what is working. what needs to change. Sometimes i find that i choose a difficult solution in favor of an easy one. i have grown up all my life learning that hard work is the way to get results. So it is actually not natural for me to accept an easy answer for a new problem or situation. Because it is so normal, and because it doesn’t make sense, i may not realize that i am doing this. that i am choosing a harder solution to a more solvable problem. Sometimes an easy answer can be the right one. it feels like i have to write books to be happy, but sometimes just a few paragraphs does something to the energy. shifts my awareness and puts me in touch with myself. it isn’t about the quantity. it is about being honest with how i feel and what is getting in my way in the bigger picture. as in who i am as a person. my physical body and my health. i am unblocking the energy. And i have to keep reminding myself to pause. To create space. To not try to control the situation. To quantify it all into a single word. As unintuitive as that may be. To get in control, by giving up control. To let go of the answer and the knowledge. to recognize that often they are not the solution and in fact an act of control, the very thing that is holding me back. and let nature heal me. heal itself.

The Passion

It feels frustrating. There are a lot of attractive women in the world. I see them a lot. the passion is so intense that I feel. but I can rarely tell if they are interested. they inspire so much passion. I can write novels and novels about them. Sing songs. Writing poetry. accomplish all kinds of things, driven by this passion that is about them, just from them, there basic existence, the fact that they exist in time and space. they breath. they exist. but do they even notice? these girls i feel attracted to. do they feel the passion? or do they just exuded it. At the gym today i saw three different beautiful women over the course of an hour or two. each inspired feelings of intense passion with me. over time the feelings only seem stronger. The strength is actually the same as always. yet to the ‘soul’ perhaps it feels stronger. it feels as though the feelings should be answered, when you first have them at like, 13 say, it was for me.

For a long time i was starting to figure that i really would be the next “40 year old virgin”. but then at age 29, it happened. and I’m not so ‘proud’, about it all, I don’t need sex to validate my worth and existence to the world. I realized i had long since let go of that, and what was most surprising after sex what how little actually changed. and yet it was good to finally feel like this “important chapter” had been written in the story of my life. it did restore much faith in the ‘universe’ which was becoming an increasingly ‘morally ambiguous’ / difficult to redeem kind of place. The world seemed to be a confusing and lonely place full of many truly good people…. countless ‘stray souls’, well meaning individuals.. tangled in loops of stress and nonsense perpetuated by a capitalistic productivity driven society. So many good people.. who’s intentions seemed to be unwittingly ‘hijacked’ by a society that just wanted us all to be ‘better faster smarter’ all the time.

There was lots of goodness in the world, I had felt it before, yet it felt difficult to connect to it somehow, there was too much chaos. and all it took was something random, like Lyme disease, or an unexpected injury and your entire fragile connection to the ‘goodness’ of life could be cut. it all felt too fragile… for this to be the ‘true reality’, for this to be the true place where good people are meant to thrive and belong.

I was always driven by these feelings for women. At first i was very attracted, but i learned to be less so. I would move on, to the next one, and the next one. Becoming increasingly bold, and even a bit ‘swave’. but still i was not easy. I notice it is becoming increasingly hard to care, i find myself becoming increasingly bold. I will just gaze into the eyes of strangers if i think they are attractive, or even if i just think they need some love, or i like something about their energy, or mostly i look for times where that connection just wants to happen, this connection that doesn’t always require words. for too long i was so tangled up in the ‘words’ as i tried to get girls to notice me. but then i came to the realization that many girls could be attracted to the ‘Tarzan’ type of man, who doesn’t even need to know English, but just ‘exudes ‘this sexy masculine energy. i brought more attention to my body. and it was true. i noticed I had put years into finding the right words, but i continued to notice important moments where the words didn’t matter, where they even got in the way, where even simply ‘thinking’ about the right thing to say seemed to distract from the energy of life itself. i became aware that even my thoughts had a real existence as energetic pules, and the time i spent just wondering about what to say to girls, distracted from something more important. the energy of connection.

Early in life my parents devoted lots of time teaching me to ‘read’. they were afraid i wouldn’t know how to read. that i was struggling with the English language even. I almost died of Lyme disease when i was five. and it seemed hard to re-adjust to normal living. i had all these vocabulary words drilled into my head, at a time early on when i was just learning to relax again, to feel emotions, i was struggling to feel connection to people. there was some kind of ‘energetic’ quality about it i noticed growing up. the energy of groups of people at parties for example could be very refashioning, but it was new, i didn’t trust it some how, because my brain thought a lot about the words. i saw the words as more important then the emotions, then that ‘healthy’ feeling inside you. Perhaps because i had rarely truly felt it, i didn’t know it was there really. the ’emptiness’ felt normally. i became increasingly used to it.

Today at the gym i noticed people were trying to get into a locked door behind me. At one point i opened the door for these two painfully beautiful girls. very pretty and curvy. I looked into this girls eyes and said “you need to show me your I.D. to get in here.”

She looked surprised.

“Just kidding” I said.

She laughed “you got me.”

Then i let them go on with their business. I was glad to have that moment. Sometimes even when i am in the mood to meet a women, I notice i pull back. I know “David DeAngelo” or “Mystery” from the Mystery Method, would have all kinds of lines and strategies, but emotionally i feel really hurt and afraid of women sometimes. I feel very fed up and dejected around the idea of making this ‘effort’ to try and attract them. How many times had I gone the extra mile and got all ampted up and invested and it turned out to be for no reason?

Conversely I notice that girls could be very impressed sometimes when i am not making an effort at all, because that’s when i relax. I was talking to this beautifl shopkeeper girl at the mall, and it was strange, like magic she was so warm and friendly, and i began to worry then about how i could attract her it’s like the moment i start to worry i feel disconnected, and the moment i stop worrying, stop caring, i zone out and think about music or something random, and then she looks and me and actually starts smiling and dancing to some music that was playing in the background. It was like i didn’t even have to say anything. I could have asked her to “hang out” or something. I could even go back to that shop and ask her. I haven’t done something like that in years, but it’s exactly the kind of thing i would do. I don’t give a shit. But I actually had to move to a different town because i was living with mom and didn’t really have a job in that area.

Back on the gym story. I walk by this beautiful girl again on the way out. It is frustrating because she is just sitting their with her friends, they seem friendly, it seems like it would be almost easy to talk to them, in comparison to most ‘scenarios’ at least. I didn’t really have anything to say. But the one truly superb looking girl kept getting up and walking around. At one point i just looked into her eyes, she was the one I had made the joke to earlier. I noticed she met my eyes, she didn’t have to. But i felt like there was something there. It’s strange that small moments like this give me a sense of peace.

Something similar happened at the mall a few weeks ago. I noticed a lot of great looking women. I pay more attention to the vibes and the energy of a place now. I was just enjoying the energy of the mall. I noticed i made eye contact with two or three different girls, there were many girls i noticed, but these ‘two or three’ of them seemed to notice me too, and look back into my eyes. and that felt nice. i felt like something emotion passed between us. something good or pleasant.

The last girl i notice, she was extremely curvy. I used to see this like some kind of ‘forbidden desire’, like it was some how more ‘pure’ to go after the girls who made you feel romantic and not the ones who made you feel sexual, but their all equally important as people, and I’ve learned over time that the sexual part of myself is actually good and important.

So i notice this extremely sexy girl, she is not just sexy, she is definitely extremely sexy. And i make eye contact with her. I can’t even believe how big and perfect her curves are. I’ve seen curves like that before, but mostly on the internet. even if her butt was half the size i still would have felt a strong attraction to her, it makes you wonder why evolution even needs women to look that good when they would be amazing even if they were only half as good looking.

so anyway this girl looks into my eyes, she meets my gaze for a moment. I kind of started it of course, but i felt like she noticed my passion, it was like i felt it in her eyes, she liked it. but it was such a brief moment. it’s hard to know for sure. I mean she was so sexy. And i have never succeeded with a woman like that. Actually i can remember one other time when i felt a woman just that hot and curvy was into me, but back then i was struggling a lot more to know what to say and do so i just gave up on the conversation with her, even if i had tried to go further it might have just made it worse, that’s the sad thing really. sometimes courage just gets you killed ’emotionally’. I wasn’t ready back then, i wond’t have known what to do or say. I deserved love sure, don’t we all, but it’s really not obvious what to say to women. When i spend more time noticing emotions in myself and others it becomes a lot more obvious, when i am enjoying myself, but it didn’t feel like many people were telling me to do that. it seem like most people i asked had no idea what i should say or do any more then i did, even the people who were succeeding in love didn’t seem to know how, it was just “this mystery” the natural magnetic connection of the universe, the magic of “being yourself” or something, it just “happened” yeah that was helpful advice. and those people who naturally succeed all the time aren’t even supposed to know I supposed, and thinking they ‘know’ is almost a problem. It can be a problem if i depend on their advice and forget my own intuition or instincts. There is an interesting rhythm to balancing your connection to ‘self’ and to ‘others’ and it involves having fun and noticing your emotions and staying relaxed is very important I’ve learning over the years, and you can get ‘the hang of this’ and it gets much easier with time and practice, but it is not obvious or easy at all for many of us. and many will claim that it is easy or should be, and it is for sure to some, but claiming that meeting women or the opposite sex is ‘easy’ is almost a kind of insecurity, it is a need to ‘stand out’ or look good, to tell the world that you have it all figured out. i feel like most of us don’t know. and that was a major realization for me. I always figured other people knew and i didn’t for some reason.

Anyway this girl at the mall meets my gaze, and it feels nice. It’s frustrating how many years I’ve waited to find a woman like that. I remember seeing this attractive women around seven years ago and finally deciding, this is it, within the next seven days, I am going to approach and meet and date and have sex with a woman like that. I’m done waiting. I’m done being afraid. I’m done letting the confusion of it all get to me.  I had really hit the wall. The feelings were so intense, and there were so many women out there, the more i got out in public, the more i noticed there were more beautiful people out there then i ever imagined or thought possible, yet meeting them was not easy. So i became very driven then. I was around 23. However this became the start of a very dark time in my life. It was a very good and motivated time. but it lead to a crash. I was already pushing hard. and now i stared pushing harder. talking to more people. working out longer and harder hours. Doing these crazy multi hour meditations. there is no end to the list of insane things i did, and it all began from that passion to meet women. I was so furious, that i can remember even as a 13 year old, other 13 year olds were dating each other. And yet even now it was still quite hard to get a single date with a girl, i mean i could now and then, but nothing beyond that really. The dates i got were with good girls, and that felt good, but i noticed there was girls that made me feel even stronger passion just looking at them, and i struggled just getting dates with the girls who were a bit below that attractiveness level, girls that were pretty and good, but often i would see girls that would just fill my whole heart with passion just to look at them, and it was frustrating because i was convincing myself my life was a success yet there was still this category of girl that I was not scoring with at all. And often the girls would hesitate to say we were ‘dating’ they would call it ‘hanging out’ but still it felt great, like progress. but around this time when i was 23, getting a date or two with a pretty girl no longer felt like enough. I needed a girlfriend, or a least to make love to someone that made me feel strong passion. I had a lot of other creative passions and things to be grateful for in my life, yet the romance, that human connection element, was non existent, and that felt like the most important thing of all.

I could create a conclusion about how ‘things have improved’ which they have. but it isn’t important to ‘draw conclusions’ about everything in life, even though we feel we should for some reason. Sometimes I stop myself in the middle of sentences, feeling like I should have an ‘answer’ or a ‘conclusion’ and noticing i don’t need one. This is like a journal entry, it is on going, there is no conclusion

addition:

The truth is… five years ago I had this big dental operation done. I was pressured into it. It felt really unnecessary. But i wanted my parents to stop worrying. I am often in pain. It’s a choice i can’t undo. It holds me back from meeting woman, from enjoying life. I am afraid, even if I meet a woman I won’t be able to feel it. Lots of people with ongoing dental problems and dental pain are driven insane by it, they become grouchy, unlovable. It’s a nightmare. I used to be this noble warrior. Now it’s hard for me to speak with consistency. I get by making one word jokes. My struggles with women remind me of who I used to be, when i had hope. The truth is, I don’t struggle with women as much as i used to. the main struggling now is the dental pain. even if i get a woman, the pain prevents me from ‘being the man she needs’. and from really enjoying it myself. I’ve done a lot of research to heal this pain, but the technology is not there yet. I am still learning more. I can’t improve the pain, so i try to improve the quality of my life, i try to bring more joy into my life. Five years ago i began having cardiac pain… but the doctor never found anything wrong with me. it debilitated me. But i had to live on with it quietly. My family just acted like i had ‘gone insane’ or ‘become lazy’, it was the hardest time of my life because of the pain, and because people seemed to think so little of me, there was nothing i could do. A doctor came to my house. pushing drugs. He convinced my dad to force these pills on me, which weren’t even designed to help. they were like ‘autism pills’ it was embarrassing. And the drugs made me exhausted. I told the doctor drugs made me want to kill myself. that was when they literally sent the police to my house and locked me up for a while. It took a long time to get out of that. there is a much longer story here. maybe I will make it a separate post. I wanted to keep this blog optimistic and ‘give back’ to the world, but i want to open up about the truth of how dark my life really is, and the constant adversity i have faced just to stay alive. I’ve had to be my own doctor through it all, no one else could help with the pain. People kept remecomending yoga, acupuncture, meditation, therapy, my life was already structured around those things, that stuff was big in my family, i had an abundance of it, yet people recommended ‘more’. I eventually realized that my body was so weak and susceptible to pain, because it could all be connected back to the Lyme’s Disease i had when i was five. (yes I mentioned this in the ‘creepypasta’ story, 45% of that story is just straight up real events if you were wondering. creepypasta is supposed to be horror that is based on a real life story) The Lyme’s Disease explain a lot. Almost dying as a kid had left me more feeble then the average bare. but this was another conclusion I reached on my own, actually i think a fried gave me the idea, but I had to be my own doctor, my own investigator though so much of this, doctors i talked to, seemed to live by the book. I still don’t have a real diagnosis, even though i am chronically exhausted and in pain half the time. If i work more then 3 hours i get stabbing heart pain like i am dying and it is scary as hell. But i still have mom in my life to tell me i should be motivated to make more money and work more. I don’t want to die just so the world thinks i am a motivated individual.

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