Saying “I like you”

I was getting along great with this girl for months at this work training program (kind of a big community-ish place.) She was one of the few really positive forces in the direct physical proximity of my little life here. Things were great for a long time… and I decided finally to get a little more bold.. and ask her on a date. I wasn’t sure what she would say by any means. I saw her all the time. It almost felt obvious at this point.. to ask. But man… her reaction. It was silence for about a day. Then finally she said “I’m not looking to date anyone right now.”

Ok.. that’s fine. I told her that was ok. “I’m not in a hurry to date anyone now either.” I say. The thing is.. often girls just say that to get rid of you when they have some other specific reason to not be attracted to you. I just wanted to know a little more. And even as a friend, i wanted to get to know her more, as I had been doing before. We talked more, it seemed constructive, we agreed to be friends. It all sounds mostly cordial and good in the messages. She gave more then one reason for not wanting to date. Mainly it was that she “needed time to work on herself”. She really rubbed in the “just friends” things a bit too much. “lets just be friends.. and nothing else” Ok, I get it. ….But she was just sacred.. guys pressure her, sure, yeah.. I try not to take it personal. I do my best to sound confident.. but I’m really not an aggressive person. I just don’t like to be blown off in one or two sentences without more of a conversation about what actually just happened. just because we are not dating doesn’t mean i don’t vastly enjoy her company, being her friend, the things we talk about, as i had been doing up until then. she was a positive force in my little life here.

but yeah. it continues. it seems ok enough in the messages, rather good actually, respectful, articulate. yet when i see her throughout the day.. she is like physically running away from me, there is this very bad vibe, just when i happen to pass by her during the day. Things are not the same. it’s been over a week and she reacts like something really bad has happened.. just because i gave this “implication” i liked her. She is actually very chubby. I never said that to her that of course lol. And really she is very happy all the time and curvy (lol), and an uplifting force in my life in general.. she seems good with animals and kids. she says kind insightful things in group. she looks kind of innocent and cute but just starts rattling off all these really mature sounding things and topics without batting an eye. she looks like a big cute happy kid who like dancing to pop songs and eating lollie pops. but she has worked in hospitals. she can speak about any topic. she is serious. I thought she was like a hidden gem because you don’t notice her quality right away, or rather it has grown on me a lot. I feel very positive around her.. Lots of people can be driven in life by a kind of a stress or trauma, however you call it. She is very natural. She just looks healthy you know. I really feel for anyone with trauma like myself.. yet it is also true for me it is really healing to find one person like that who seems so grounded or ‘in nature’ kind of all the time.

I thought she would see this as a compliment, that i asked her on a date. Even if she said no. I didn’t have an expectation.. that was for sure. But i had waited months.. and my main concern was that she might think i didn’t actually like her and go for someone else who just had the balls to be more direct with her. I liked her more.. so i was taking my time. but knowing there are other guys out there.. that effects your process.

You have the right to say NO

AND you have the right to repair the damage

(a right to let them know why

and to talk things out between them and you)

A year ago i was actually in California, and i had met more then one great girl in my time there. it was some kind of serious miracle. I was forced to move back to New York. I am not a big fan of New York really. I like it.. but it is not the right place for me, maybe for a year or a few moths.. but not a place to grow up in unless you are already really confided about the way you life is going. lots of people to meet here.. but they are all busy. it’s a kind of illness, the constant busyness. I need warm weather.. chill vibes.. beaches.. year round. I have enough challenges already. The cold busy life of New York.. i wonder how it shaped me growing up over the years.. kept me more isolated… always trying to become something better.. cultivating that feeling that i didn’t matter.. afraid to seek out new groups. Eventually i did.. but man a nice environment really helps.

Even my cousin moved back to her home state because she said she couldn’t meet anyone in New York. many people she came across seemed to put work before family and relationships, they were preoccupied… the drive to “success” you might call it. For them they probably thought it made them sound more active.. the ambitions.. the devotion to work.. for her she wanted a family man. someone who valued the simple things. All those fast talking smart New Yorker’s probably thought they were making a good impression.. but there was something more obvious and basic missing.. and it is hard to know it.. when it is so apart of you.. i grew up inside it.. in California things were “better enough” that it helps me to see more clearly that there was a different way. that life really could feel easy or natural in relationship. It was like I moving my inner “tree” into the sunlight, when for so long i had been growing crooked in the dark. But i couldn’t afford to keep living there.

My life in general is a mess. out of control.. but i have to see the best in it. I live in these chaotic community homes… one to the next. this one is better then the last. That’s why i really wanted a friend like this girl. Someone so natural and stable. There are a few other people here i feel that way about.. but they are like my “superiors”.. people i “work under” so it is confusing asking if they want to hang out. they don’t ask me to hang out. there is actually even a rule that i can’t ride in their cars so it is super awkward and a little sad. also sad that i work under people younger then me who feel like they are friends, but like I’m not even allowed in their cars. there are lots of group activities but that isn’t always my jam. You want to feel like you can do the things you want to in your free time… and a few people in the group are really off the walls. Like a few specific people talking loudly over other people or randomly circling around the room being distrating. So all that chaos.. and the need for something calm and powerful.. put more pressure on finding a friend like this girl. the one person who is normal to talk to.. and not my superior. Like this happy ball of sunshine that just randomly dropped into my universe. but i had to make a choice about weather to be honest about liking her. I thought it might help move things along. If she had been feeling shy.

This girl, she kept saying that she needed to “work on herself” but it has been months since her last break up. i was never like.. in a hurry to “get with her”, never like in a hurry to “bang” her or something lol. I’m the type of person who could be contended with just for the pure joy of being around a person. It can feel so good to just finally have the company of a cute girl on a consistent basis. but her response.. brings up questions… what freaked her out so much? Does she see me as a preditor? Does she think i am disgusting that she has to over her eyes from me and run?

Before i asked her on a date two weeks ago.. we were taking with some regularity, making eye contact, comfortable in close proximity thorough the day, it was great, consistent, natural.. until i told her i liked her. I told her a bit more about my self. and asked a few question to get to know a bit more about where she was coming from and it all felt pretty mature and good for for the most part. and now when i see her in person she reacts like she is disgusted by me. and what really gets under my skin is that when she talks in the workshops here.. she sounds quite wise and mature, I am impressed by her. She says she wants a relationship where she can “talk about trauma,” because that is healthy to do.

Society doesn’t teach people how to handle these situations. i mean just the way this has been handled was extremely traumatic. talk about trauma. It feels like my gut is telling me that if her response is this brutal simply to a guy liking her.. that she doesn’t really understand the value of the relationships that continue to come her way just because she is cute. Society will never tell her to handle it better or to be kinder. Like she gets relationship after relationship (with guys who end up cheating on her)… and hopes for something better.. but takes it for granted, that there will always be another one,  guys will be asking her out.. so she can brutally blow off someone for all time if the timing isn’t right. it’s one thing when it’s not a good time for her. but sometimes it is like they really just mean “never”. i told her i was learning things and could use time to work on myself to.. that i wasn’t in a hurry. This type of thing just happens way to often. there are a lot of people in my area… but this was the person i had serious ongoing chemistry with. In California there were way more girls. but it was never easy. I was single until i was 29. I dated a girl for a few months once.

But yeah what is with this pattern of getting close to a girl.. but then it is like she is devastated to find out that you like her… It feels really fucked up. Like i am not her friend at all now. and i hear her talk about it and it feels like everyone among her it telling her this is the right thing for her to do. we had good vibes before. i never -needed- to date her. i don’t need it at this moment. but i need to feel like girls find me attractive. it is very confusing.. when you do everything right and are single for 29 years. I can tell by how this girl talks that she has blown off other men this this cold sudden kind of way.. and she is upset that most of them get angry. when i handed it very cordially and kept up a dynamic soothing dialogue.. she still treats me like we are in high-school.. like running away.. like holding a grudge. it effects me.. because i have no friends in this area.. she was also a true friend here.. now it is like she would rather hang out with the local retarded guy, not that there is anything wrong with being retarded, but this guy is also really obsessions.. but she feels safe with him? because she knows he won’t ask her out? what the hell. she and i are like the most normal people at this place. i just needed a friend and got over excited i guess.

I don’t need a relationship with anyone. but it feels like i can’t even be her friend now. you would think it would have been a compliment. she has the right to say no. but it feels like she was so hurt by it.. and we should be able to talk about that. why it hurt. or even better.. simply change the topic.. but stay as friends. i really don’t have a lot of friends in my physical proximity right now.. and i was really vibing with her for a long time. she’s just the right kind of natural person that I need to be around right now.. even just as a friend. we humans have got to stick together. this life is hard enough. loneliness is real. that was really all i needed.. i was just afraid she would think i didn’t like her. and any day the irony is that some guy who likes her less then i do could have asked her out.. because he would have been less invested in the result of what she says. that’s where it got complicated. otherwise i could have kept being her friend far longer before saying a thing. she is kind of goofy and chubby and I really do like her and I thought maybe she didn’t think she was good enough. man the roles have reversed like 180. I can’t argue with it or get in the habit of trying to prove i am good enough. Everyone has the right to say no. it is a lot more confusing when you have been getting along with someone for a long time.. and you see them every day. It feels like it would bring more relief to talk through this type of thing. there is no reason why she needs to be afraid of me.. and we see each other all the time.. it just makes things more uncomfortable.. it makes me feel bad.. and she had potential to be a true friend. It’s annoying to have to regret telling someone “i like you” but if you never tell them.. you will regret that too.

It brings up a lot of questions. like if you ask a girl out. and feel a great vibe with her. and she tells you it is not a good time in her life. and then starts to feel really conflicted and uneasy just knowing that you liked her.. like maybe guilty, it probably brought up a lot of questions.. like things that went wrong in past relationships she isn’t read to even start to think about. but then some other guy asks her out a year later when it is a good time for her. when she has worked out her demons. and then it is true love forever. so much of love seems like circumstantial.. being in the right place at the right time. i have been aware of this even since i was much younger… like say 17. love feels very natural.. but like society doesn’t give us the right way to talk about it or make time for it. We want the same things.. but if the timing isn’t right.. it can go very wrong.. people who like each other could become almost like enemies.. because you don’t really talk to the other person.. you trigger each other.. one person feels worthless and rejected.. the other person feels pressured and controlled. you both could be in agreement. but you don’t know it because you are afraid to speak to the other

You just have to hope that it is the “right time” for someone.. and it all starts to feel so totally random.. but when you actually see the person like in reality.. beyond what society tells us.. you feel a real connection.. something that is real and healthy and important.. even just being there friend.. seems to attract more good things into life for both people. I find it hard to talk to her.. because she runs away. it freaks me out. that she is doing that. like an overreaction. i feel like because she is not talking to me.. she just be imagining something much darker is going on. like she can’t know what i am thinking. she probably thinks i am pressuring and controlling her.. not handling a rejection well. I was really happy just the way things were. it is really silly. it feels like not talking about it is creating way more pain. but society will tell her “you have the right to say no. you have the right to reject” but that isn’t the actual quetsino here. that is a distraction. how do you mend a friendship? how do you repair a connection to someone? Before this we had a positive mutually beneficial connection.. that had been sorly lacking in my life for a long time. us humans gotta stick together in this crazy world. For guys the term “just friends” hurts.. it hurts a lot. And it is something that should be spoken about honestly. but it doesn’t mean that we are “in a hurry to bang” or “need” to pressure a specific person into a relationship. “wanting” relationship doesn’t make you “entitled” but i feel like society seems seems to strongly imply that it does. it is hard.. but it feels like guys and girls should be able to talk openly about this type of thing. like we are hiding in our triggers and triggering each other.. when the irony of it all is that the two of us are actually in agreement.. but she is a bit younger then me.. she is more afraid.. she is afraid to talk to me.. won’t actually told to me.. so she is probably imagining that i am this guy pressuring her into something she doesn’t want. stuff that isn’t there. I don’t like to wait this out forever. but i feel afraid to just walk up and talk to her. too much bad ju ju. like this girl will literally run away and it will make it so much worse. what did i ever do to disserve this? lol

So i saw her today. She  was walking by. It had been on my mind a lot. Why was she afraid? had i really upset her? I got her attention .. she didn’t actually run away this time. she smiled or walked closer or something like that. I told her i was afraid i had upset her.. and that i felt bad about it. i waned her to know that i was in agreement with her that we could be friends, and that i had no ill wishes to her. that she didn’t have anything to fear from me.

And she said “yes everything is good. it’s good. we are in agreement.” something like that. it felt positive. my eyes met hers it felt good. it was almost too brief. she was walking to the office where the have lollipops. she has a habit of going there once or twice a day to get a pop. she seemed in a hurry to get there. like that pop was more excieting then i was.

this brought another question to mind. perhaps she wasn’t that troubled by me at all. was it possible that i was simply such in inconsequential element in her life that none of this had really even effected her. it felt like she had been afraid of me.. but maybe that was combining with the fact that she was simply indifferent about me. that was equally scary. she seemed in a hurry to get to that pop. but i felt great. it felt like we were in fact on good terms now. even it it was resolved in just two sentience. now i had got it off my chest. a better version of what i had meant to say seven days ago before she stopped reading my message.

i felt good. it felt like something had been repaired. it wasn’t even as wrong as i thought. now i didn’t have to read too much into her actions or expression. it might be natural or reflexive for her to want to look the other way.. know that she knows i like her.. that we had that conflict. her trauma is feeling pressured into relationships. my trauma is feeling rejected and lacking relationship. We have opposite traumas. We triggered each other. it is sad. that we have to be so different and oppisite. like tragic irony. But it was never really “personal”. and we are actually in agreement that we both could use a friend right now.. and that is more important then dating anyone. (LOL of course i do want a relationship as a guy who as been single the vast majoirty of his life.. obviously that is only natural.. but i mean i agree that i have no specific NEED for it to be her.. or for it to be “now”) It is normal that you may not want to date a person.. but i don’t think girls like her always realize that there can be intense hidden implications behind what she says that can leave people feeling hurt.. that’s why it is good to talk about it. for her it is not a good time. she has unloved business. but some guys are used to being alone.. used to rejecting.. it is hard not for it to feel personal. and at the end of the day.. even just the friendship with a nice girl can feel very rewarding if you have been single so long. And it can lead to you feeling positive and actually attracting relationships with more people.. having friends of the other sex.. it is not necessarily bad to be friends with someone you like. i mean.. sometimes i can like 5 or 10 different girls and be friends with all of them. it has happened before. and it feels very positive.. and you end up not focusing too much on anybody. guess what.. they are all taken. who cares. it still made my life better.

i feel good about it. it’s an improvement. i go onto facebook. she handed unfriended me so i felt that maybe what she said and what she felt could be different things. i clicked on her profile. I’m just broad. i don’t have that many friends her. i was thinking about relationship. and the connections i have here. at least i could feel good that i am her friend again. then i noticed it said “message (her name) if you know her”. she had unfriended me. she had actually unfriended me over this and i didn’t even notice. we had only just friended a few weeks ago. that was so extreme. if anything i thought this might have brought us closer. we wanted different things but that is normal.. i had used it as a segway to talk to her about a variety of things in that conversion seven days ago.. we talked about why we were here.. what we wanted out of it.. something else.. i can’t remember. it was brilliant really, how much better i am at this. i was turning the negative into a positive. I could sell that conversion in a dating skills book.

but yeah then it felt like she was actually afraid of me. talking to her was great. but now i notice that she actually is not my friend anymore on the internet. she is younger then me. this is very normal for some girls. things get very dramatic. I knew somebody that would unfriend even her closest friends any time they had a big argument. I’ve never unfriend anyone. its sad. how happy and normal she seems. stuff like this is what makes me question that we are in fact on “good terms”. it feels very immature and ridiculous.. but i am short on options here. if i was in California.. i was meeting way more chill happy people there. this is not the place for me. i knew that from the start… i had no choice. I’m trying to focus on the good relationships i do have here. What is the purpose of this story? I feel like this type of situation comes up a lot though, and at the least it makes a good story.. at best we learn something profound about society and it helps us all find better relationships LOL.

 

Shouting at Flowers

This post is about how to make flowers grow faster by reading motivational speeches to them, understanding how to apply the right amount of guilt and punishment, and ‘encouraging’ them to be more responsible and less lazy.          Ok lets be real.

The heart is like a flower. You can’t make a flower grow faster by shouting motivational speeches at it (basically human society in a nutshell), or by giving the flower discipline and punishment for its ‘misdeeds’ of inherently existing in this reality. Pointing out the flowers flaws and telling it to take a good long constructively critical look at itself.

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I am thinking about the concept of ‘watering the good seeds’ in my life. Like a garden! lol. Noticing what observations were the ‘most helpful’. And just noticing them and feeling good about it. the feeling helps me remember that things are safe and good. It is a habit to go into my mind for answers instead of trusting the feeling to remember what is important. the heart knows things. it has a knowledge to it. and it learns things, all the time, even when the brain isn’t thinking.

We humans think we are so different and superior from other animals. that our intelligence makes us different and above them, alienated from them. yet at core we are very similar. we are bonded to the same primal physical needs plants and animals have. we need the light, the out doors, the social connection, food and water. nourishment. kindness. trees aren’t giving motivational seminars to other trees about how to “evict their inner wussy.” we people are a lot like trees. If you aren’t in the sunlight, you grow in funny, you tend to accumulate a lot of doubts and worries and feel empty inside. it’s not your fault that you weren’t put in the sunlight. but people will judge you harshly as though this was your personal failure. Yet as a human we do have the option to pick ourselves up and re-plant ourselves in the sunlight. for a time i moved to California. because i realized i didn’t need to suffer any more, because i genially felt happier in the sunshine and heat and i could tell the people there felt happier too, like a multiplying effect. we don’t always have that choice to move to California. i had to move back. but we can still choose to spend more time ‘in the light’ in the places that make us feel good. don’t blame yourself for the bad things so much. no one ever ‘wants’ to be bad. think about what you need and how to bring more of it into your life.

I had this dream where one or two people I know who i think of as being ‘anxious’ kept coming by and removing things from my bead room or living room. In the first part my best friend kept purchasing potted plants and putting them in his living room. Then the anxious person would come by the ‘clean up’ there was a ‘busyness’ about it. They would remove the potted plant by some kind of misunderstanding that they were doing us a service, when in fact my friend just bought that and wanted it there. “She keeps taking my plants. this keeps happening.” he said. During the dream i wasn’t really aware that the person taking the plants was anxiety driven. during the dream i figured she had some kind of reason for doing it. In the next part of the dream i kept making drawing on big pads of paper like i had wanted too for some time. the drawings were turning out pretty well but this person came by and removing them for some reason. in the dream the  people were people much older then me, so they were like role models, i would figure that what they were doing was for an important purpose, like they were taking the plants and the art for some kind of important reason. Another layer to the psychology of it all. When in fact the people taking the plants were driven by anxiety and i didn’t make that observation until after i woke up.

Looking back on it after i woke up: These were people I identified a part of myself in them. the dream was about me and not them. but i won’t say that ‘all dreams are about you’, some dreams are very much about your relationships to society or other people or the events of the day. it’s not all your goddamn fault! the kind of negative self focus is a problem in society. this relentless self improvement effort. it become like a loop. trying harder. going nowhere. I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I realized that when i got anxious i would start ‘problem solving’ in my mind, and that emotion and the thinking about it would effectively ‘remove’ positive observations i had already made in the previous days our hours. it was like going backwards, even though it felt like i was ‘being productive’ and ‘problem solving’, i was getting caught in the fear, removing positive emotions, forgetting to notice the good things i and improvements i had already made in the previous day. The anxious people were my anxious thoughts and feelings. the ‘cleaning up’ the ‘problem solving’ / ‘being productive’ was actually removing the flowers, the fruits of the previous day.

I have to water those positive seeds, those good observations about what is going right. to get out of the fear. to grow the good things in life. so those positive observations can seep down into my heart, and i can more forward in life as a choice my emotions have made, and not as a choice my brain is forcing me to do. My brain is sort of like my mom ‘forcing’ me to be more social. I’m noticing even when i force myself to do things all the time, the things i should ‘want’ to do, it seems like courage, but just becomes another kind of stress loop. stress under the guise of courage. you should force yourself to be with people all the time. you shouldn’t force yourself to have fun. at some point you have to be honest, i -want- to have fun, i -want- to feel connected to people. the wanting is a more powerful emotion. but the fear and the worry makes us afraid to just relax and want. sometimes relaxing is scary. because when we relax we notice more. our perception expands, we notice all kinds of scary things we weren’t even aware of when we were in the stress mode, busying though life on autopilot, when we really take a moment to relax and remember what that feels like in the heart, we notice more, the good and the bad and that in itself becomes scary. so we jump back up into the mind. not even noticing the reason why, and forgetting that we ever even found away into that better stronger state of being.

The anxious people in my dream were (like) my thoughts. it came from something real, something ‘out there’ that started right from the beginning perhaps, in the early years of growing up, and shaped something ‘in here’ in me. even though the thoughts were anxiety driven. I took them for something ‘important’ or ‘productive’ and this is in my waking life. not the dream any more. in that way my relationship to my thoughts was just like my relationship to the specific people in the dream. the thoughts were ‘older’ they had been around for a long time, a habit in me from the beginning i hadn’t even noticed could be different. i just figured it was the way reality was. but when something scary happens, i didn’t need to go into my brain and think about it. i can just let it roll off me. i don’t have to use logic to make sense out of fear feelings. that isn’t ‘being productive’. just because something has been ‘going on forever’ or ‘everyone is doing it’ doesn’t make it more right.

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(Naturally Social ‘hang out space’ Event) All people have passion. All people want something. it feels good to be healthy. addition is just a trauma symptom. there are hidden traumas everywhere effecting our behavior. it isn’t a ‘disease in the mind’. it’s a feeling. a feeling of not feeling safe with people. humans and other animals are a socially driven species, we learn to function on our own for long periods and even thrive temporary when removing ourselves form the community in a bigger way, but this is a trauma coping mechanisms, not true ‘thriving’.

Being part of the community is not the same as ‘conforming’ to all it’s pressures and abstract ideals. There is something to be said about being around others yet ‘holding on to yourself’. Maybe someone is talking to you a lot and won’t stop. it isn’t your responsibility to answer their every question. what matters is that you -feel- connected to people, a sense of ease and rhythm and flow in the group. that you could relax, laugh at a joke, look into someones eyes, the words quickly can become very distracting, we get caught into this race to become ‘smarter’ that is perpetuated by society and is a huge distraction blocking the way to the true simplicity of feeling of love and connection between people when we take time to relax with each other and allow them to flow.

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We can draw out this passion in all people, adults and children, but talking about it, complementing it, etc, asking about it, sharing out own passion leading by example to thereby encourage others to share theirs. just by existing int he world we encounter lots of pain, loneliness, emptiness, it all boils down to one word, ‘suffering’. you think you have to discipline and motivate your kids al the time on top of the suffering that already inherently exists in reality, the burden of just existing in this survival based universe / plane of existence. we criticize the defeated, the poor and the injured for not being ‘motivated’ enough to seeded in life and get rich and famous. the intention is wrong, the goal is wrong, the criticism is misplaced. lots of people fight against it. but the habit is too easy, it’s too old, we are used to fighting battles against ourselves and each other we don’t even need to fight. this physiological war of winning love and motivating ourselves to be better and smarter. Society has this way of teaching us, in a subliminal or subtextual way that we are ‘inherently bad’ or inherently at fault. we start assuming we are at fault or have made mistakes. the problems in our life seem ‘logical’ when they start as something emotional we have never even notices is there. when we don’t make peace with the ‘this is my fault’ emotion, we don’t let in the happiness, the rainbow river of positive emotions that flows between us and others, so therefore we never even know it is there. we never even know what is really feels like. so problems in life seem logical, we never notice this emotion that blocks our way to an even more powerful kind of connection then we thought was possible.

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The ‘autism’ thing never made sense to me, some doctor thought i was high functioning autistic? when i was 12? yet i noticed times when the shyness would just go away completely, and that i could get more connected just by looking for more of those ‘times’. the good times. I realize I had a lot of free reign when i was young, lots of time to think for myself and be creative, it was mind-expanding and thinking deeply about the universe relentlessly even as a child, i was fascinated and always learning….. i never had to deal with the strict discipline and conditioning some families had, free thinking was encouraged in my family…… so it was hard to accept the simplistic pigeon hole of mental illness. it never really made sense to me. if mental illness is a fixed condition in the brain, they why did it just totally vanish in certain situations? i was never convinced i was ‘ill’ in the brain, yet there this habit, it is trendy to convince people of my generation they have an illness. it seemed like everyone i knew had one. it was like candy.

Sometimes i felt like i was in a ‘cloud’ and other times i felt this potability for infinite love and connection, yet the ‘cloud’ really didn’t feel like a ‘mental dysfunction’ or something that was permanent, but i didn’t really know what it was that made me feel disconnected either. and slowly over time i felt more and more disconnected, I became ‘insecure’. As i grew older i became more set in the ways of society, earning approve for the love of peers, striving to prove myself to the larger community, to ‘get the girl’. trying to get ‘smarter’ to impress people, and on the flip side of it all was this fear that there was something wrong in my brain. They told me i was learning disabled too, in elementary school. Normally i don’t even bother mentioning this.. but it is relevant. They told me these things, I knew that wasn’t true, even though as a kid i was creating complicated fantasy novels, and stop motion movies, designing computer games, and doing all kinds of things. So I really questioned what i was told regarding my ‘brain’. It really made no sense. I used to be really concerned with proving people wrong, but that really is part of the problem, so i don’t even bother with it now. the people who believe these things aren’t the people i want to be around. Something made me shy away from people as a kid. But that wasn’t ‘mental illness’. That was such a creepy way to describe people. And that was the truth, every time ‘mental illness’ came up, it felt creepy as hell, it felt fake, and depressing, what were all these adults doing? Sitting in a room feeling depressed.

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The only thing we really need to worry about in life is putting food on the table. The love part, that should be the nourishment, the healing. Sometimes i can mean that we have to flip our perspective on life to see love as the food, the sustenance, the nourishment, and not as the thing we have to ‘strive’ to become, the final ‘enlightenment’ that will make us finally truly lovable. The enlightenment is right here. you are already enlightened. you have suffered enough. just by friggin existing in this reality. With all the confusion of it all. addition isn’t laziness. addiction is a trauma byproduct. Filling the void with food and pleasure, that really needs to be filled with love (human light emission, human energy). Selfishness isn’t greed. It’s trauma. All of it is trauma. That’s what our society doesn’t get. We are afraid to let the love in. As a species. It is too strange too massive and too simple to comprehend. How could so many struggle with something so simple, how could so many follow a misguided approval seeking pattern, because it’s the hive mind, it’s our connection, when we don’t know what to do we look to others for guidance, everyone is looking to someone else, know one knows that they are doing, but thought history this has created a massive and ongoing illusion that we all ‘know’ what we are doing. the head mentality. group think. hive mind.

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Trauma isn’t something you can simply talk people out of, you can’t mind your way out of it. Trauma is much stranger then we can know, love and healing have to be felt, experienced, we are all equals in this, we are discovering truth, not inventing truth. The teacher is the learner, the learner is the teacher. Children have feelings and questions they don’t understand because society itself doesn’t have the answers, yet instead of just dismissing the question of the child as childish, i try to always look at things with a fresh take, they see the world unclouded by habit, but children are far from perfect, yet they teach us things we have forgotten with time.

Trauma is strange, because reality itself is strange. For a while I hesitated a bit to use the word ‘trauma’ because that implies we ‘know’ what it really ‘is’ that gets in the way in life. Yet Trauma is a popular concept that is easy to understand and is becoming more popular than before so I fall back on it, and don’t want to go overboard with my radical theories about what ‘really’ gets in the way. trauma is something we are ‘ready’ as a culture to understand. yet still i find it too ‘mental’ and too ‘self’ or ‘individual’ focused, it take the focus off the community dynamic and how it effects us as individuals, and off the fact that we -physically- exist in reality and are constantly effected by this, it puts us into the mind and keeps us looking inwards for our ‘faults’ to too great an extent, the same old dilemma, like a decent step up from ‘mental illness’, yet the word ‘trauma’ is a good starting place. It gets us a bit out of the ‘mental’ and more into the ’emotional’. Society as a whole is ready to ‘grok’ the concept of ‘trauma’ and that it exists beyond traumas of injury, trauma can also be from emotional injury and it is important to recognize both. and accept that you can be traumatized even when nothing goes ‘wrong’, because it is equally traumatic when nothing goes truly ‘right’ in your life, as is the case for many. Yet if i were to find a word for what really gets in the way of connection… i might upgrade it further to something like… Ok i haven’t decided yet, but fun to think about. Well i have one idea, but it is way to radical, so we will stick with this for now. Understanding Trauma has put me further in the right direction, getting into the emotions more.

Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

It’s hard to really ‘know’ the Universe, but when we group up in fear that we can’t find love and purpose in the greater community, that we can’t attract the love we want, that is trauma, we don’t think it is, we just call it, being an ‘awkward dork’, but it is, fearing we don’t belong is so unconscious, yet it gets in the way, we don’t even notice we are doing it, getting in our own way, it is instinctive, it goes deep into the emotions, and it isn’t really about the mind or the brain in a significant capacity enough though society is constantly telling us it is. it isn’t your fault for not trying harder. it’s the opposite. When i talk about Trauma i don’t want to get into that all to deep rut or pitfall of saying, “all the problems are in your mind” and you can do anything if you just have the right “mentality” this gets us sucked back up into the mind, when I talk about trauma i am really talking about emotional trauma. one way to release  is you process the past emotionally. that ’emotional’ part is key. it isn’t like a science project or a mathematical equation. emotions aren’t logical, yet they effect everything we can do. you have to feel what heeling the emotional feels like, only you can to that.

Trauma isn’t just in the past. Some psycho therapy can get really focused on the past to the exclusion of the present. The past has it’s values, we hold on to it in our emotions, and don’t even resize it, just taking time to notice feelings we are holding on to has this way of shedding light on them, and soundly there is this deep body’ release’ we just let it go, just by noticing it, we feel a shift.

Trauma can be very ‘on going’ in life, and i feel this gets overlooked, it is often happening right now. the trauma is continually ‘renewed’, ‘refreshed’ in a lonely and stressed out world. Every moment is new, and we relive the dark times. life is harder then we give it credit for being. Just existing can be hard. And that’s why having ‘fun’ isn’t ‘lazy’, it’s important to take all the fun you can get. yet have it in a healing way that connects you to people and the things that matter, not fun as  away of escaping the things that scare you, fun to fill a void never full. it should feel like the fun is lifting you higher. it isn’t just about what you are doing. often the intention is the most important part. healing is on going and not just about the past. feeling disconnected is traumatic, the trauma becomes on going because you are always disconnected when you get in that cycle, you can’t just ‘let go’ of the trauma without also ‘letting in’ the love. the light. the energy. this part often feels like it gets left out for me. We get really good at ‘letting go’ of things, us spiritual seekers, yet we also need to ‘let in’ the love, if there was an absence in our lives. When you talk about trauma as this ‘thing in the mind’ and forget the heart-love part of it, the people part, it gets very mental and circuital. WE focus a lot on the individual person when talking about trauma, it gets deeply psycho analytic and takes years and decades and life times, it’s all on you and your personal barriers that you personally individually need to overcome if you do enough deep processing work no yourself over the years…….. yet trauma is also largely and significantly a group phenomena that is ongoing in this very moment, and when you shift it in the entire group it can shift very quickly. your energy is connected to the energy of everyone else in the room. we are like these beacons of energy, these receives, we are community creatures. When you change the energy of the group decades of on going generational trauma aka deep unconscious emotional fear (emotional fear responses to social and group situations) can be shifted, it gets straight to the emotion, and shy shut don’t people open up, because they -feel- the vibrations of the group, and only the group love can create that vibration. one on one is ok, but years of relating to people and working through the problems one on one takes out an essential part of the equation. we are a group animal. and group healing shifts everything. when everyone in the group wants to heal and be vulnerable and talk about love and self love, that’s when big healing happens, you just don’t get there one on one. Even just remembering times when i was part of a group or community that valued ‘self love’ those times i really felt connected, and just the memory has be a guide to help me find that in myself, to reach out and recreate that kind of self love community atmosphere.

It took me a long time to accept this , but finally i decided i had suffered enough, it became too obvious too keep ignoring it, as much as i feel afraid of gathering, all the best times in my life had been during large gatherings. the reason i failed to see it, failed to accept it, was because i was making life unnecessarily complicated for myself. the truth was simple. the group itself was healing. it didn’t matter so much who is was talking to our how i was trying to connect with them, just being there and enjoying it was what really mattered, time and time a gain, i saw this was true. i was afraid that by becoming a more social person i would become exhausted and i wouldn’t have time or energy to write books, do the creative things that were a real driving passion in my life, i was afraid that to break my social boundaries i would have spend even more time being social, at one point i stopped even allowing myself to be alone… yet this was just anything over compensation for something. when i first started to experience ‘getting high’ on the social vibes of life, the good kind of high, i started to ‘flip the other way’ from introvert to extrovert. to rely on this social energy all the time. yet this lead to a crash.

I was forgetting an important part of myself, the passion, the art, the creativity. in my big quest to be charismatic and get the girl, ironically i left out something important, the valuable that all those ‘nerdy’ ‘social isolation’ activities acutely brought to my life. i saw it as the problem. but the art way my passion. what i need was BOTH. the people, and the fun, the strange personal private fun that was hard to fully communicate sometimes. every strange creative little thing that made me happy. all that wasn’t a distraction it was part of my spiritual quest, my human quest. all that alone time creative stuff was a major place of passion and healing that also connected me to others because it made me happy and witty and funny. There are many sources of energy in life. Now i do anything and everything that makes me happy. there isn’t any one thing that summarized my routine. My life is variety itself. Variety is the healer. I do different things not because i ‘know’ it will ‘work’ and connect me to people, but because it ‘feels’ good, and the feeling connects me to people. Everything becomes vastly less complicated when you let your feeling be your guide, your compass, your radar. it is all to common to undervalue the power of the heart and the power of feeling in our modern fast passed productive mind driven world of ambitious thinkers and noble strives. We are always getting better and stronger.

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Society is trying to heal your trauma, yet it is also creating it. it is all very confusing. maybe you should take a nap. Take a break from all these mixed messages. LOL.

Society wants us to heal, yet at the same time it is trying to hurry you back onto that peer validated ‘productivity’ track. helping you to let go of shit quick so you can get back to work folding letters and packaging boxes or waiting tables or something. It’s time to ‘achieve’. “Have you done anything productive today?” My friends mom asks her every day, she looks exhausted. And the follow up question from my deep soul self, “who cares!!??”

We do what we have to do, work is work, we go to work, make a buck, but you won’t heal if you become too ‘familiar’ with that ‘exhausted’ feeling in life.

That’s how it was for me, life was just fundamentally exhausting and sucky. even in the exhausting lame situations that you can’t avoid you have to focus on the good, the energy, the fun, and start to see that there is something really consistently good in the world. it helps knowing other people have it, and i think i was always unconsciously instinctively modelling those other people, even now, often they themselves may not know ‘how they do it’. it is more important to feel it then to know it. joy and success is like this feedback loop established over time. but it is more then ‘mentality’ it is more then the ‘mental’, the synaptic firings in your mind. healing and positive momentum in life is very emotion based, feeling based. often we talk ourselves out of feeling the feelings. we became ourselves. argue with ourselves. be the feeling is deeper then all that. it’s not your fault. feelings aren’t logical. the mind is logical. you can’t logic your way out of trauma. You just have to notice how you feel. It sounds almost too obvious. but it takes time and practice.

Exhaustion becomes so normal to people like me, that we don’t even really know what feelings feel like and they way they guide us to where the energy and power of life is. When you are really getting more and more into your feelings, they become like this compass, like this radar that leads you to where the energy and connection is in life, and you don’t even have to think that much. It’s like you life is powered by this internal magnet. and that’s what love is, it’s magnetic. It becomes so normal.. just forcing ourselves to do things all the time, we think it is ‘admirable’ yet when you create momentum with your feelings by enjoying all little things in life, that momentum carries you, and then you don’t have to constantly ‘tell yourself and ‘make yourself’ do things. life gets easier, and people treat you with more respect. it is a win win. and the other way is a lose lose. yet even people are in this ‘lose lose’ place life they need our kindness and not our criticism. the criticism is already alive and well in the minds of these people, yet the outside world is always here to provide more of it somehow. the criticism and ‘identification’ of problems … becomes the problem itself. the ‘shouting at flowers’ phenomenon. a flower is just a flower. if it doesn’t get enough light and droops over, that doesn’t mean it has ‘mental illness’. A complex neural problem of the flower that has gone wrong permanently in it’s flower brain. It doesn’t have flower autism. or flower schizophrenia. It doesn’t have restless flower syndrome, to be cured with some kind of an inorganic chemical in the shape of a pill with a fancy name like “abilify”. It’s just a goddamn flower. Stop reading into things. Stop projecting problems. You just have to keep watering those good seeds, being grateful for the things that make you happy in life day by day. that creates momentum. magnetism.

The fear, we don’t even notice we have it, but it is an instinct that gets in the way around people, we mimic what the group is doing, and we prevent ourselves from really ‘feeling’ the group vibe, enjoying the vibes, socializing becomes a type of ‘productivity’ we discuss how we can self improve and get better as individuals and people. but there is a subtle underlying stress behind it. not everyone does this, but even those who are truly comfortable don’t always notice how much anxiety is driving society itself. it is so all pervasive, so everywhere. we are afraid to challenge it. it doesn’t have to be a rebellion. it can be as simple as having self kindness and gratitude for the good things. the big ambitions in life are noble, yet they are top heavy, they make us exhausted and actually bring us down sometimes. the fear cuts us off from feeling our other emotions, like in the heart, and the emotions are what tap us into the energy, the energy the group emits, and the energy of our own creative feedback loops, the energy that connects us to the sunlight, plants animals and people around us. the vibes, enjoying the simple things, the colors of your room. this hidden fear mode, that resides in the instinctive ‘herd’ (the bonds of our animal emotional nature) cuts people off from the energy. but shifting it can be very simple the moment you start to notice it. so much of healing is as simple as ‘noticing’ things. but it can feel like stepping into another dimension. it is almost too simple, too easy to accept that life could be like this at first. when you are used to the harder way, earning love and success by being constantly relentlessly ‘productive’. a lot of it has to do with how we relate to people. you can’t really heal the trauma by being alone too long. whatever problems happen in your life, you can’t let it convince you you aren’t worthy of being around people. even when you are injured and broken, you still are connected to the love of people. we are a social species. that is how we ‘harness light energy’ we have evolved this way. because human together are like batteries, we circulates this energy, like some kind of massive organic power plant. it is very simple and effective. yet we grow up learning that attracting people is all about the ‘skills’ you have learned mentally. we live life on this ‘verbal’ demon, i can’t stand to be around people who are so ‘verbal’ and doesn’t seem to read any emotions, even the most obvious ones, yet this is the kind of person society produces. we think people want to laugh at our clever jokes, and are inspired by our brilliant statements, but the energy is even more attractive, even more healing.

Spirituality tells us that we can ‘earn’ this energy if we do lots of yoga, mediation, dieting, working out, if we really are fully devoted… yet this has a way of becoming another system of control. it is the same thing all over again. ‘productivity’. again i had to let go of all that. and get back to the simple truth. how do i feel about people. it was hard to understand at first. it seems like we are ‘independent’ units. but it took me a long time to realize that humans thrive in groups, it seems almost obvious now. it feels hard to think of yourself as ‘needing’ other people to be happy. but when you make the choice to seek groups of people more often, if you were someone like me who didn’t go to gatherings every often, you will ‘feel it’, you feel that the flow of energy is ‘natural’ and it is different then ‘neediness’ or ‘consumption’.

It isn’t neediness because you are with others, but you stay connected to yourself, you get into your body and the emotions, and out of all the mental stuff of trying to understand others minds, the competitiveness of it all, the rat race, you feel emotions and relax, and the feeling is attractive and healing. you think about what makes you happy, and that in and of itself becomes attractive, it becomes a starting place for more. Socializing is like watering plants, you grow a bit at a time, you water the good seeds, water the good thoughts, and they bare fruit and flowers. People who work too hard all the time start to look malnourished, they shrivel up, the stress isn’t natural, it feels predictable, yet notice what relationships in your life are ‘productivity based’ if you feel you need to accomplish things all the time before you can speak to someone, maybe the health value of that relationship is something to question. for some this is the only way we learn and know how to relate. it is ok to want to be friends with someone just because they make you feel calm. when you feel calm, the other person feels it too, that you are becoming more natural and connected.

the irony of it all is that people work to hard and shrivel up and feel exhausted and crash and feel lonely and don’t even know there is another modality of being in the world, a different way to ‘relate’ to the universe itself, with people and when alone. this kind of doing ‘whatever’ nourishes your emotions and feeling at any moment, this constant, heeling the feelings mode of being. it is done together and alone. it has to be both. we are a social species yet you don’t have to be constantly around people to be happy, that also becomes another system of control, a compensation mechanism for not knowing you to just ‘be with yourself’. that is also very healing. it is healing ‘creativity’. for a whole different kind of reason. socializing is very energizing for me, yet being on my own is deeply relaxing, and gives me time to cultivate this different kind of creative independence that is hard to do if you are afraid to be on your own.

You start to ‘feel’ that being around the group is the natural way, because the energy flows through you. if you don’t plug in your phone it runs out of battery. we are nothing but strange creatures floating on a big rock in space. we adapt by harnessing energy. more people = more energy. it isn’t wrong to just soak it up. to just party your way to happiness. addition is the byproduct of trauma. when the fear is gone, you see that ‘fun’ is not an indulgence, society tells us to work for love, but there is a much bigger epidemic to heal, all the productivity is not making the world better, there is so much emotional healing that needs to happen, and what we call ‘bring productive’ becomes like this anxious distraction, from the real pain, the lack of feeling like we matter in the community, to each other. You can give yourself permission to enjoy life. even when it seems almost like everyone is telling you not to. because healing yourself and feeling more healthy and vibrant is the most effective healing to others to. leading by example. and doing this isn’t as easy as it sounds, because it means face fear, letting go of what we don’t need, the stress, the attachments, not just letting go but letting in the love. you matter. you are awesome. Saying that to yourself. Saying it to others.  There is so much pain out there, yet it has this way of becoming totally invisible. people who are too disabled to work are forced to, people are sick or emotionally traumatized, but society tells them they have an ‘illness in the brain’ and call it ‘autism’. the rich treat the poor like they are unmotivated drug addicts, when really no one has it harder. You learn that suffering is your fault. if you are not happy it is your fault. it sounds like a motivation speech. Motivational speech GONE WRONG. Motivational speech GONE SEXUAL. just kidding. that’s a youtube joke. Ironically it is joy that is a major healer to the pain. Joy allows us to see things more clearly. Not telling people to force joyfulness and block out the sadness and bad things. but having kindness for the struggles of life. the invisible struggles. there are so many disabilities that you can’t even see with your eyes. and many others who are healthy enough still end up living life in a kind of loop, because you feel like you are not good enough, and it becomes a cycle. you start invalidating yourself. assuming others don’t want to talk to you, and you miss the real reason. sometimes people really just are busy and it isn’t your fault. when you keep going for the love and the joy, it becomes a positive feedback loop. and this is courageous. it feels good, and it is like partying for life, yet is is also a path of great courage.

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There are greedy people out there. there are people out there who abuse power. yet we choose to put them in power. a massive part of our population votes for them and supports their power. because that massive prat of the population is acting out of trauma. Ignorant people will ride that wave and use it to get rich and powerful. but the true problem isn’t the one dictator, or the criminal, the figure head, or the bad villain man, it is the massive amount of emotional trauma in the way people relate with each other, the loneliness, the projection of our inner emptiness onto the outside world in the form of hate and fear. that ‘Hitler’ that ‘bad man’ on the top, is like a distraction of sorts, a straw man / you might call him a scapegoat of sorts, he is propped up by countless people who want to feel connected and alive and purposeful -through- him. we want that shared sense of purpose, so we elect someone who makes us feel connected, we feel connected when we all rally together over something. even if that something is racism. or a chronic drive to become smarter and better. It could be money. School. Business.

There are all kinds of things we do to feel safe, to give us an ‘excuse’ to ‘belong’ around other space. Even spirituality. Spirituality is not an exception. It starts off as this amazing blessing in our lives, to take on some form of a spiritual practice.. but soon it is another system of control, we accept this is the best it will get and get into a rhythm, a comfort zone with thousands of others and stop searching beyond the routine for answers and freedom.

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(Voldemorts last dying soul in the fetal position on the left represents the condition of the ‘heart’ in an overthinking brain productive world)

Schooling makes us feel connected, yet makes us feel like we need to score A grades all the time or even A+ to be really of significance, to have ‘social worth’ to others, and that is totally upside-down as to how people really connect. it becomes a habit, thinking we need to study hard and be smarter all the time just to have social value to others. Relaxation makes us feel connected. yet we rely on these ‘pseudo communities’, these ‘excuses‘ to connect. The excuse connects us. Yet it is also a distraction, because it keeps us afraid, afraid to connect without the ‘excuse’. I have friends because i have drug buddies. I have friends because I have drug recover buddies. I have friends because of work. I have friends because i met them at college and earned their recognition by proving myself as a smart funny person…….. etc, etc. it gets problematic.

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It’s time to take love off the ‘pedestal’. Many people less qualified and way more goofy and misguided then you have an abundance of love and success in their lives, just look around, the love and it is freely available to them. if you struggle, it’s not because you aren’t good enough. many people radiate light, and have success and respect while only trying half as hard as you are already trying. many less talented and less awesome people then you have more love in their lives. shatter the illusion. love isn’t something to strive for and battle for and stress out about. it is right here. that said, it isn’t obvious. but over time, you can shift the momentum, create the feedback loop of love. you may not be the next Jesus, but if you start on a much smaller level, this way is still much easier then thinking earning the love needs to be a complex task. water the good seeds. find the love though harnessing the natural subtle energies of your body. creativity. kindness. honesty. the little things. the big ambitions crush us. miss herp and mr. derp don’t worry about big ambitions, they just love all the time because it feels good. yet this is the most powerful way to make a difference in the world and cultivate the things you want over time.

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We don’t need a ‘reason’ to connect. You don’t need a  ‘reason’ to want to walk up and talk to someone. Or to simply smile at someone. because the reason is love. Societies keeps us thinking we needs reasons to reach out. that there is something more important and more healing then being around people. It isn’t even just about the talking, it isn’t that essential to walk up to strangers and talk at them relentlessly to ‘break’ some kind of inner ‘mental limit’ as I so tried many times. But it is important to feel connected. it isn’t easy, but it could be. Sometimes it feels like the easy way is the only way. so i find ways to make it easier. We have a kind of ‘stranger complex’ in America or maybe even across the world. Everyone is a fellow human. We tend to fear strangers and people we don’t know, they could be up to no good, they could be insidious shady perverts, or they could be — ‘so good’ — that we don’t even deserve to look at them.. etc, then we are the ‘stranger’. We ‘stranger’ ourselves out of the picture. Other animals have simple minds, they don’t fear each other. They just do things as a group. They act together. Migrate together. Feel together. Herp derp. It is important not to be brainwashed though in to doing whatever people say is right, this can be a tricky distinction, be around others, yet notice the instinct to ‘copycat’ them, don’t mimic every single thing they do just to be cool or garner respect in society, first really think about if it feels right and value to you. Don’t be afraid to go agnist what you are told. the ‘assumptions’ we all make.

You can just ‘be’ around the group and feel your own emotions and unique creative happy thoughts and ‘not’ subscribe to any kind of complex ideology or peer pressure. it takes time to feel into what that even means. to do it your own way, yet still make a choice to be around people. i always got the ‘do it your own way’ prat. i know i felt 100x happier when i thought for myself, but i didn’t get, what i didn’t get, was that i could still do this, be my unique creative self, while around people. i was afraid that being around others meant loosing myself. school felt boring, too much dry information, too much stillness, to many long hours. i lost myself in the mundanity of it all. yet being at home all day with mom clearly wasn’t the answer either. hiding a way in personal passions. visiting a friend now and then, yet not being part of a bigger ‘group’.

You can go to school, be around a larger group, and still find times to ‘have fun’. You have to create the fun. Even just as a thought. It doesn’t have to be anything big, bold, stressful and courageous all the time. Fun can be as simple as it sounds. Just think about what you like. that changes your vibe. changes how you feel. you can be goofing off internally and the teacher will never know it, they will feel your joy and love you for it and know that you are a good attentive student even when you are just thinking about something like “cartoons” or “people you are attracted to” or “art projects” like 70% of the time. The courage to have fun and enjoy yourself in little ways. That can change the world.

We humans and or complex minds, create much to be afraid of. And all that becomes an excuse to disconnect. Even if you are talking to people yet afraid of what they are thinking all the time, that is a kind of disconnection, it makes you exhausted, makes you want to run back to something else that ‘feels good’, what if connection could ‘feel good’, what if ‘feeling good’ was the primary reason to do it. It wasn’t always so obvious to me.

Animals don’t make things so complicated, a herd of cows isn’t trying to raise their kids to be the next ‘baby Einsteins’ or get straight A’s to beat out their other classmates, so that they can ultimately beat out other nations in the great race for SCIENCE and advancement. Animals know how to just be. Maybe technology isn’t about getting better and smarter and making the next mind blowing complex innovation, maybe even human tech can be used to help us get more in touch with nature and ourselves. a natural technology. other animals don’t think as much as we do. it is a gift, yet it also gets profoundly in the way. Animals just gather and follow their feelings. They aren’t driven by different religions and schools of thought and prejudiced, they just gather and chill. Herp. Derp.

Getting in touch with that inner ‘animal’ you is grocery underrated. The ‘animal’ means your instincts feelings, natural social impulse to just be goofy and laugh and look at people, to think about simple things that fill you with excitement). Stuff that isn’t really about the brain. Feeling raw emotion. feelin it and feelin it. I always used to think and think about how to get women to like me. For many years it plagued me. Finally… i just stared to see myself as an ‘animal’ of sorts, like a dog just chilln with the other dogs. I imaged it like this. that’s how it felt. dropping the intellect. it was almost like being ‘naked’. It felt like i was lying to people, smiling at them, without having anything interesting planned to say, without using my brain practically at all… but they just smiled right back. and i was like ‘hey!’ this is way the hell easier then what i was doing before. i just just smile to people and listen to them talk and say very little, yet i feel connected. Dogs don’t worry about weather they are good enough, they just run right up to people. They don’t worry about there ‘intellectual contribution’ to the global conversation. they have an emotional contribution, just by existing. even in there final moments when death and illness take them, they keep trying to stand up, keep going for the love. because it just feels right for them. I’ve learned a lot from lust looking at animals. Keep things simple. And girls like that. I am true to my emotions. I can be an intellectual. But i do things first and foremost because it feels right. A moth doesn’t need an ‘excuse’ to go to the lamp, it just goes to the light.

Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
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“In every culture and medical tradition before ours, healing was accomplished by moving energy” – Albert Szent-Györgyi (1937 Nobel Prize for Medicine)

The Energetic Heart & Body

the Electric Heart, Magnetic Connections
and the healing power of light.

Unknown to modern understanding, hidden to the five senses, the human body gives off a subtle healing energy. For many of us… we have always ‘felt it’, this ‘energy’ between people, this higher feeling, yet never truly understood ‘why’ and ‘how’. The energy of life can feel divine, like something not of this world, such ‘true love’, or just a feeling of being ‘connected’ to people, a feeling of being in your purpose, in a new place, around the community. What if that feeling wasn’t something so ‘ethereal.’ What if it was something more basic, like air and water, something you could have more often, or even all the time. We go about our lives chasing our ambitions, unaware of this energy source that is right there, available in communities, in festivals, at the park, in the mall, with your friends. It’s right there if we know where to look. This exchange of energy, it happens all the time when we’re are in close proximity of others, even when we are doing or saying very little at all. The ‘energy’ is subtle yet important. According to German scientists.. the human body emits small measurable intensities of light, known as biophotons, from the eyes and skin. (Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp.) (Herbert Schwabl, Herbert Klima. Spontaneous ultraweak photon emission from biological systems and the endogenous light field.)

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This biolight, this ‘biophotonic field’ if you will, a kind of light energy that humans emit without even trying to, it is healing to ourselves and other people around us. Our bodies have a system for receiving biolight from each other, storing it in our cells and DNA. “Cellular damage can be virtually repaired, within hours, by faint beams of light.” (Popp) Biolight and other energies exchanged between people exist “just below our conscious perception.” (Rollin McCraty) We have this ‘bioluminescence’.

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My own spiritual and social journey to become more connected to others lead me to realize that there was some kind of ‘energy’ or vitality that would just ‘appear’ over time when large groups of people had gathered. In particular when those people seemed relaxed and were having fun. After years of exploring this concept it began to occur to me that humans were constantly exchanging small amounts of energy, that this energy was light itself. It began as energy from the Sun. Only this was a kind of living light. This ‘group healing effect’ seemed to be a simple answer to many of my life long struggles. A simple answer that took years even decades you might say to even notice or attune to. It had very little to do with ‘social skills’ as I had always been told, and ironically had more to do with particle physics. The healing effects of the energy people emit, light. And to put it more simply, it was really about relaxing and enjoying the self in the company of others. Too long I had focused my social energies into impressing others and trying to calculate in my mind what would be the best thing to say. All that energy, my ‘light’ was being channeled into slightly misdirected intentions, put there not by my own mistakes, but rather by society itself. The advice and ‘common wisdom’ that was surrounding me. As it turned out connection and attraction had very little to do with what I ‘said’, it was all about energy, joy.

If someone is too focused on  achieving tangible goals or getting the approval of others they never notice and emotionally experience, really ‘feel’ their own inherent worth in relation to themselves and others. Though we can’t see biolight particles with our eyes, we can act with an awareness of these energies and arrange more opportunity to simply receive their benefit. Biolight is a type of resource that can only come from being with people. The amount of light is seemingly small but the effect is significant over time. We don’t have to make an effort to produce it, because it is already  being produced.

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There is a kind of mirroring and or multiplying effect that happens between people and in groups. The energy keeps reflecting off and circulating between people over minutes and hours of relaxed playful interaction and even just physically being around groups of people, the energy increases and increases. This relaxing and enjoying of the company of others opens the flow for the energy, takes the mind off thoughts of fear, it heals the trauma that is caused by both isolation and dramatic events, often events and traumas we aren’t aware ever happened. The absence of the life force energy is in itself traumatic. And being around groups is a rapid way to feel that life force flooding back into your body. even if you have no trauma what so ever, doing this is fun and revitalizing to the fullest extent. We are inherently social creatures. You don’t have to ‘make yourself’ be social, that becomes like a misunderstanding about the body itself, when you make peace with the fears and worries inside you, and let go into the energy of the group, it just becomes enjoyable, the less you ‘make’ yourself do things, the more you become ‘naturally’ magnetic, ‘naturally’ attractive.

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I was fascinated to learn, five years ago when I was 25, that the term ‘biophoton’ was out there and there was a lot of research already confirming my suspicions. At the same time I felt that the research was incomplete, all through the essential discovery is there (of the body utilizing light energy similar to the way plants do.) I saw little mentioning of the way the energy seems to vastly multiply in large groups of people, or around people who are relaxed and having fun, in parallel to each other, or in the process of relationship. And no mention of the way the energy seems essential to attraction, physical romantic and friendship, key to confidence, and they way it seems to heal many things such as ‘autism’ and any difficulties connecting with desired persons (other people).

I think the current research is great, but i would much like to further it by measuring the energy and noticing any changes that occur in large groups or in festival like atmospheres for example. I think it would be interesting two measure the changes of energy in individuals in many different setting, public settings like restaurants or cafes, or in the park, at parties, and at home, at work. and see the differences. I am not concerned that everyone adopt the term ‘biophoton’. I think the term ‘deep vital energy’ is a bit better for the layman to use, it doesn’t sound so nerdy or science, although it is a bit wordy. Other words have been used such as ‘orgone energy’. Terms like ‘chi or prana’ describe the same energy, however those terms can imply effort, lots of skill, martial arts training and awareness. The ‘deep vital energy’ requires little skill. Often unskilled people will happen to be in good positive community environments that can naturally and or accidentally provided them with all this ‘vital energy’ this ‘orgone energy’. It doesn’t have that much to do with training. However you can practice to be more aware of it, and to consciously put ourselves in locations where you will naturally receive it’s benefit. I feel that the research on bio-photons doesn’t express the incredible social physical and emotional benefits of the energy, and the way it multiplies in social settings, particular ones that are relaxed or have a fun atmosphere.

When you are in these healthy good energy ‘good vibe environments’ you won’t even have to try to receive the befit of the energy. It will happen naturally. Mostly you will just have to make sure not to worry too much, to ‘get out of your own way’ so to speak. And the energy will continue to feel good even after the ‘good time’ is over. You have been noticing this energy all your life, it isn’t really anything new, some people like me may even lust after it, or become deeply devoted to a spiritual practice to get more in touch with it. I don’t think it has to be such a battle any more. There are many people out there who have all the natural skills they need to succeed, like they aren’t even trying, success just comes to them.

Research from 2019 indicates that the light is actually carried by single celled organisms that travel through a system of ‘microtubules’ in your body, like a second circulatory system, that is much smaller. In a strange way the light field really reminds me of ‘the force’ from Star Wars. And the micro organisms that carry light in the body, they are much like the fictitious (and controversial) ‘Midichlorians’. Particles that carry the force. The microtubules are like a scientific explanation of the Buddhist concept of energy ‘meridians’ passes for energy in the body. This new research about biophotons and microtubules, what I was first referring to as ‘deep vital energy’, is the gateway to a totally new understanding of the body, and also key in how people connect socially. But modern science the way it is is may be likely to protest it for some time to come.

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It is possible that many human struggles and perhaps even bigger struggles of the world could be explained by absences of this ‘bio-photon’ energy and or absence of understanding how the energy works, like blockages in the flow of light between people. While this energy is essentially the same as ‘chi’ or ‘prana’, yet the ‘deep vital energy’ as I sometimes call it, unlike those concepts, this energy can be spread out or distributed across society and communities essentially at random. If you look at the universe scientifically you will see that there is much about the distribution of matter and energy in the great void of it all that is truly random. You don’t really ‘earn it’ (the light, the love) or get it because you’re ‘worthy’ or ‘not worthy’. That’s why it’s important to know that you ‘are worthy’ even if the ‘light’ hasn’t reached you enough in your life, so to speak. That’s why we have to change our concepts of ‘I don’t deserve it’ ‘I’m not worthy’, you didn’t feel the love, so you build up this concept that you are not worthy, and you have to earn it, that’s a stigma society needs to get past. When you see how -random- it all truly is, you realize it’s not your fault you didn’t’ get the love. You deserve it, even more then the people who got it from the start. there isn’t any ‘flaw’ with your ‘character’. Often if anything the main flaw is thinking you have a flaw, like a ‘complex’.

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We often treat trauma like it is primary mental. but I find personally that it can be largely emotion more so then it is existing in the mind or brain. It can be very traumatic to feel ‘cut off’ from this life force energy. That feeling of being ‘cut off’ often stokes feeling of fear in the heart, it beings as fear singles in the heart more so often then it is rooted in specific mental complexities (in my opinion). Making trauma too ‘mental’ and ‘about the brain’ can actually further complicate it. Over the years I have learned to get more into my physical body, feel the emotions, feel the pulses and responses in the body. Getting out of the ‘words’ the thoughts, that stuff is secondary to emotions and feelings which move much faster.

Your feelings can make choices much faster then your mind can articulate those choices into the English language, or whatever is your first language. I find myself sometimes using language to communicate with myself, when really language is designed as a way to communicate to other people, your feelings are a language of their own. Feelings get scary, we get afraid to trust them. So we put words over top of them. Yet the feelings carry a lot more power then the words. A feeling says a lot. Feelings are magnetic. Electromagnetic. I think we undervalue feelings in modern society. “Feelings are chemical signals in the brain” you will hear. We are really ‘big’ about the mind. there are always new books coming out about the ‘mind’. it almost annoyes me now, because it makes the mind like this celebrity, and we tend to over look the power of something truly very simple like a -feeling- and the way that simple -feeling- can put us in touch with a vast river of energy between people, of raw charismatic power and intuitive instinctive connections to others, sometimes even at a great distance.

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(ba = biophoton absorption)

Too often we get ‘cut off’ from the energy of people. Yet modern science isn’t really that aware of the energy, it is like a fringe science, or pseudoscience even, so the idea of being ‘cut off’ from the light energy of life, is not a situation that is taken with any serious gravity. however it is very serious. the light energy is a driving force of life itself. Without it, you will be disconnected, from people, from your(full)self. Society may label you ‘high functioning autistic’ or a number of other things, such as ‘depressed’. As though something has ‘gone wrong’ in your -brain-. And believing that is true ironically keeps you spinning in the mind, trying to puzzle out a problem that was never the to begin with.

When really what you are missing is time in your life to enjoy the vibes, and the emotional connection that you deserve it, you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy the company of others and not just compete to impress them. The forces that take your light away can be truly random, and that’s why you have to remember that you deserve the love. the light. You will be surrounded by people telling you you have a complicated problem of motivation or of mind, of physiology, but really the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to open they way for more light to enter your life, to get out there, soak up the vibes, and be kind to yourself instead of worrying what others will think. I spent all my life trying harder to be more successful, to self improve, it all turned out to be a spiral in the end. it turns out…. happiness is easy.

Once you identify what got in the way of giving yourself permission to be happy around people, you start to feel the stress in your body, and you start to let it go. Trauma is a bigger problem in society then we give it credit for. It is exacerbated by the fact that we aren’t that aware about the way energy flows between people and multiples in groups. We fight for scraps of joy here and there, when all you have to do is show up to a party or a festival, and you become like a sponge, soaking up the life force, the light, the ‘human field, the vibes, and that energy powers your deep body, you retain it, like this ‘after glow’, you can go home and wright novels, or enjoy a video game with this heightened sense of perception and emotion, appreciation for the little things, you are charged on life and don’t need the game to fill the void any more so you gain this whole new appreciation for the details, you don’t have to be glued to people, you can just enjoy life at your own pace. That energy is fuel for all kinds of things. Sometimes what we call ‘motivation’ to strive for greater heights is a mentality that makes life unnecessarily challenging. When you are used to doing things the hard way it almost seems too easy to just allow yourself to feel happy.

Some families and or groups have the ‘good vibes’ and produce lots of vibrant magnetic or attractive children, others are awkward and have ‘low energy’ emission. It is very random and chaotic, and it is not anyone’s fault. If a flower doesn’t get enough light, it is not the fault of the flower that it is not growing, and it’s also not the fault of the flowers near by, and no amount of shouting or telling the flower to “grow” can make it grow. It grows from sunlight soil and water, being in a nourishing environment. That means being somewhere where it can receive the ‘energy’ to become part of it’s flow. People grow like plants, yet we place judgment on ourselves and each other all the time for things that aren’t anyone’s fault. We need to take charge of our lives and seek out and create environments that make it easier to thrive, and break the patter of what all the old voices and old habits of conditioned society tell us we ‘should’ to. What all those voices tell us ‘is right’ and start listening to what ‘feels’ right. Listening more to that feeling. It isn’t obvious. And even just listening to the feeling doesn’t mean everything will go right. The first time i tried just trusting in the ‘feeling’ never even seemed to let me leave the house. I think I got more discouraged about trusting my ‘feelings’ after that. It didn’t seem to be the first time feelings had lead me astray. And yet all that goes back to the environment thing. once I got myself out of the house and into that environment where i could ‘grow’ like the flower. The energy started to flow. I went to meetups and concerts and places where people were having fun. That was how i taught myself to succeed society. And disconnected from the old advice the forced social skills and ‘be yourself’ stuff that wasn’t working. The ‘try harder’ thing that feels like motivation yet becomes endless and fruitless over months and years.

Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
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“Everything in the universe, including your body, is controlled by energy.”

Much new information and research is already out there yet the struggle society now faces is the tendency to get stuck in a kind of ‘group think’ a classic psychology thing that is easy to overlook, the tendency to do what the group is doing, to do what others are doing just because others are doing it. Similar to having a kind of blind faith in ‘the experts’ and other authority figures just because they ‘should know’.

This research about the ‘light energy that travels between people’ opens up a new way to understand how we connect and what makes us feel fulfilled and happy. It comes from being with people yet it adds color and joy to all other aspects of our lives, our passions and joy.

The energy continues to last inside of us even after the social gathering is over. Not unlike charging a battery. In a way we are like organic batteries charging wirelessly when we hang together in groups. It sounds silly, yet looking at it this way has made things like socializing and going to parties immensely easier for me. Now I don’t even try. I just enjoy myself. It is something you have to get used to. But with practice it becomes very easy. You keep showing up and letting go of all the old assumptions that tell you you can’t. They come from the old ‘low energy’ conception of realty I used to be in. And now people want to talk to me. We are giving off the energy all the time, it is not a choice, just noticing it is there, now i can take more time to fully enjoy it. Unlike the force or something from DBZ the energy doesn’t give us super powers, however it does connect us more to people, and to me perhaps that is a superpower lol. You can mainly notice it with how you feel, such as ‘uplifted’. You have been noticing it all your life. I did. But I didn’t know that I could have more satisfaction more often. And it wasn’t about ‘working harder’ as I thought for so long. When I notice and feel the energy around people more I tend to seek out those places and environments that made me feel uplifted, the concerts or even just going to the park. I also began to change my perspective with home life, really accepting the goodness that was already there, taking more time to enjoy it. I found that enjoying what i already had, i was attracting more. Friends of friends would stop b, suddenly they saw me in a new way. It was about both acceptance, seeing the good in what already is, and being proactive about seeking those people and places that made me feel uplifted, fulfilled, that kind of healthy good feeling. That is the feeling of the deep vital energy filling you up. To be more nerdy you can call it ‘biophotons’. It is what I am now starting to call ‘Party Therapy’ the joy of being with others yet staying connected to yourself.

I go on the news and sometimes it starts to feel like even young children have something more to offer to the conversation because they are still creative and outside per-established assumptions, while we adults are stuck in the box. The world is changing so fast with the internet, google and youtube, information and cutting edge info is available on anything and everything in a way that is quick and easy to understand and comes at our desire and request. It is a kind of party therapy as well. If you are not using it to replace social bonds that is as I did years ago. The internet fills our generation with so much info, if you know how to use it in the right way that is, non addictive, thinking for yourself, spending most of your time experiencing the real world, the internet can keep you informed about all kinds of things. The problem is now not that we don’t have new solutions, but that we society as a whole is so attached to the old way of doing things that it can be hard to notice new information is even there. And this is really not the fault of any one individual.

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Our eyes alone possess an incredible power to help others relax, feel safe; central in this naturally occurring light exchange between people. Yet it is not just about the eyes but also the heart. It is about what we feel when we gaze that makes the gaze more satisfying, and the revelation that we can influence and change how we feel, with thoughts, with belief, with our own free will, mostly we can change simply by noticing a feeling is there, just noticing we can change it we already start to change…. We allow ourselves to feel comfortable with ourselves and then with various types of eye contact. I allow my eyes to move around and go where they want to go. It is important to know that we can take pressure off needing words to substantiate ourselves. So many modern modes of relation focus largely on intellectual concepts and words. The truth is we can in fact look at someone, anyone, in their eyes, without words needing to be exchanged, and this is vital and healthy. People just like the sense that someone is paying attention to them, they feel heard, it feels good and natural. Biolight travels at the speed of light, though it takes the heart time to absorb it.  I believe it may also be able to effect people from long distances such as 100 feet. For example one can feel and benefit from the energy of an entire crowd. It may be more effective at closer distances. This may sound like turning love into science. Yet I believe that this awareness of our bodies may reduce suffering and enable us to thrive.

“Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

The Dalai Lama

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The heart plays a significant role in the body in addition to pumping blood. It is key in powering this energetic biolight system in the body. “The heart generates a powerful pressure wave that travels rapidly throughout the arteries much faster than the actual flow of blood.” (Rollin McCraty) “The magnetic component of the heart’s field, which is around 5000  times stronger than that produced by the brain, is not impeded by tissues (muscles, skin, organs) and can be measured several feet away from the body (with Superconducting Quantum Interference Device (SQUID) based magnetometers.)” (The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Interactions Within and Between People Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.)   In addition to the brain, the heart and the gut actually contain neurons. This heart intelligence informs the brain more then was previously understood. Our feelings or intuition are an evolved decision making system. When we learn to trust our feelings without fear they can guide us to what is needed both individually and collectively. Feelings of the heart can actually be felt physically by other people near us. If someone has an anxious heart it can actually be uncomfortable for a person ten feet away if they are also anxious or in energetic drain. If someone is feeling a natural or un-efforting satisfaction, this can be felt and is attractive to someone ten feet away and more, and is also healing to another with an energetically drained heart. The energetically satisfied heart is not only less effected by anxiety of others it is healing to them. Without a full heart the mind is more easily encumbered by fear and self doubt. Constantly thinking in search of complex solutions, but never satisfied.  Physical contact, a touch on the shoulder, hugging, is also an important way of generating energy and connection with people. A socially isolated person may feel threatened by touch. Prolonged social isolation, stillness, and time in dismal environment is actually draining to the human body. Experiments on monkeys showed that if you remove a monkey from it’s environment; if you take a monkey away from the other monkeys, but continue to feed it, it will actually die. It was said that monkeys who were given a soft object to hug survived the social isolation, but they were still considerably weaker then the monkeys who remained in their natural habitat.  Social isolation will make someone physically week, fragile. In light of this we should move in at a general and gradual rhythm, adjusting differently depending on the person. Being cautious with an isolated person so they feel safe.

We can also exchange biolight with animals. It is possible that a larger person may emit more then a smaller person, a young man may emit more than a baby. The fully mature heart emits more. A happy person will emit more then a small cat (of similar emotional state). But a cat may emit more then a depressed person. At the same time babies and children will emit a lot because they instinctively know to make eye contact and feel free to play; social insecurity in society has not yet set in. Children and young people will often emit a lot of biolight because their bodies are very healthy and they feel free to express play (thus releasing the stress in their cells). Knowing about biolight and play can restore youth to a degree. We can use this awareness to get more out of relationship, and be with people that help us feel good.

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I used to think that other people, girls I liked, peers I wanted to meet, ‘had the love,’ the ‘bright eyes’. We’ve all felt or seen it. I would sense it from people. All my life I was expecting the other person to ‘show the love’. I thought if someone didn’t that meant they didn’t like me. But now I see the ‘bright eyes’ more as a phenomena that arises between people. I was putting too much pressure on the other expecting it from them. It was never there’s to give. The ‘bright eyes’ is something that arises over time between two or more people.

I think trauma exists in the world on a bigger level then we even realize, and often we are compactly unaware of it. We tend to think ‘we’ have a problem, and everyone else has it ‘figured out’. That is in itself part of the ‘trauma prescriptive’. Part of that trauma perspective is not even knowing the trauma is effecting you. We feel disconnected. Like others are more outgoing and magnetic then we can ever hope to be. But when you heal that ‘feeling’, things start to shift. It is as simple as ‘enjoying the vibes’. but that can feel scary, you get used to failure, you start to expect failure, expect the hurt. But there might be a feeling inside you that tells you can get more connected, the ‘how’ isn’t totally obvious, but the feeling shows you how. and it is that feeling is like the ‘receptor’ that guides you to where the ‘vital energy’ is. the biophotons so to speak.

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‘Biophotons’ makes you think of little particles. But really it is like a river, flowing between people, and circulating through your own body. like a love loop. a feedback loop. it circulates and grows stronger with each circulation. Weather it is the relationship between your mind and your heart, or the relationship between you and others, let it be a loving one. When you love yourself, that is the starting place to open the energy to love others. Yet keep in mind that we are a community organism, and if you try to love yourself too much in the safety of your own isolation, you start to feel cut off. It is valuable to learn how to be around others, yet not feel the need to ‘conform’ to exactly what they are doing and saying and how they are doing and saying it. It is possible to be around others and enjoy their company, whiteout really conforming to a single thing, if you so desire, you have to go at your own pace and do what feels right for you, and at the end of the day, that’s what makes others happy to, if others feel that you are happy they will feel happy too.

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This social benefit is healing to us all. With time and practice, day after day it begins to feel more natural and instinctive to simply receive this ‘human light energy’ in the group. This is what I at first was calling the ‘love instinct’. To seek love attention and connection for the pure joy of it, for the good feeling it brings. Over time doing this the heart and mind actually self rewires so to speak, you thoughts and feelings become naturally reoriented towards seeking energy and joy and fulfillment from people and eye contact and things like laughter and the warm feelings this all brings. Feelings that become almost impossible to find when connection becomes replaced with material pleasures. Over just minutes and hours our heart and cells are charged with it. We become ‘fulfilled’ ‘uplifted’ ‘naturally high.’ (Naturally Social)

Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

The Passion

It feels frustrating. There are a lot of attractive women in the world. I see them a lot. the passion is so intense that I feel. but I can rarely tell if they are interested. they inspire so much passion. I can write novels and novels about them. Sing songs. Writing poetry. accomplish all kinds of things, driven by this passion that is about them, just from them, there basic existence, the fact that they exist in time and space. they breath. they exist. but do they even notice? these girls i feel attracted to. do they feel the passion? or do they just exuded it. At the gym today i saw three different beautiful women over the course of an hour or two. each inspired feelings of intense passion with me. over time the feelings only seem stronger. The strength is actually the same as always. yet to the ‘soul’ perhaps it feels stronger. it feels as though the feelings should be answered, when you first have them at like, 13 say, it was for me.

For a long time i was starting to figure that i really would be the next “40 year old virgin”. but then at age 29, it happened. and I’m not so ‘proud’, about it all, I don’t need sex to validate my worth and existence to the world. I realized i had long since let go of that, and what was most surprising after sex what how little actually changed. and yet it was good to finally feel like this “important chapter” had been written in the story of my life. it did restore much faith in the ‘universe’ which was becoming an increasingly ‘morally ambiguous’ / difficult to redeem kind of place. The world seemed to be a confusing and lonely place full of many truly good people…. countless ‘stray souls’, well meaning individuals.. tangled in loops of stress and nonsense perpetuated by a capitalistic productivity driven society. So many good people.. who’s intentions seemed to be unwittingly ‘hijacked’ by a society that just wanted us all to be ‘better faster smarter’ all the time.

There was lots of goodness in the world, I had felt it before, yet it felt difficult to connect to it somehow, there was too much chaos. and all it took was something random, like Lyme disease, or an unexpected injury and your entire fragile connection to the ‘goodness’ of life could be cut. it all felt too fragile… for this to be the ‘true reality’, for this to be the true place where good people are meant to thrive and belong.

I was always driven by these feelings for women. At first i was very attracted, but i learned to be less so. I would move on, to the next one, and the next one. Becoming increasingly bold, and even a bit ‘swave’. but still i was not easy. I notice it is becoming increasingly hard to care, i find myself becoming increasingly bold. I will just gaze into the eyes of strangers if i think they are attractive, or even if i just think they need some love, or i like something about their energy, or mostly i look for times where that connection just wants to happen, this connection that doesn’t always require words. for too long i was so tangled up in the ‘words’ as i tried to get girls to notice me. but then i came to the realization that many girls could be attracted to the ‘Tarzan’ type of man, who doesn’t even need to know English, but just ‘exudes ‘this sexy masculine energy. i brought more attention to my body. and it was true. i noticed I had put years into finding the right words, but i continued to notice important moments where the words didn’t matter, where they even got in the way, where even simply ‘thinking’ about the right thing to say seemed to distract from the energy of life itself. i became aware that even my thoughts had a real existence as energetic pules, and the time i spent just wondering about what to say to girls, distracted from something more important. the energy of connection.

Early in life my parents devoted lots of time teaching me to ‘read’. they were afraid i wouldn’t know how to read. that i was struggling with the English language even. I almost died of Lyme disease when i was five. and it seemed hard to re-adjust to normal living. i had all these vocabulary words drilled into my head, at a time early on when i was just learning to relax again, to feel emotions, i was struggling to feel connection to people. there was some kind of ‘energetic’ quality about it i noticed growing up. the energy of groups of people at parties for example could be very refashioning, but it was new, i didn’t trust it some how, because my brain thought a lot about the words. i saw the words as more important then the emotions, then that ‘healthy’ feeling inside you. Perhaps because i had rarely truly felt it, i didn’t know it was there really. the ’emptiness’ felt normally. i became increasingly used to it.

Today at the gym i noticed people were trying to get into a locked door behind me. At one point i opened the door for these two painfully beautiful girls. very pretty and curvy. I looked into this girls eyes and said “you need to show me your I.D. to get in here.”

She looked surprised.

“Just kidding” I said.

She laughed “you got me.”

Then i let them go on with their business. I was glad to have that moment. Sometimes even when i am in the mood to meet a women, I notice i pull back. I know “David DeAngelo” or “Mystery” from the Mystery Method, would have all kinds of lines and strategies, but emotionally i feel really hurt and afraid of women sometimes. I feel very fed up and dejected around the idea of making this ‘effort’ to try and attract them. How many times had I gone the extra mile and got all ampted up and invested and it turned out to be for no reason?

Conversely I notice that girls could be very impressed sometimes when i am not making an effort at all, because that’s when i relax. I was talking to this beautifl shopkeeper girl at the mall, and it was strange, like magic she was so warm and friendly, and i began to worry then about how i could attract her it’s like the moment i start to worry i feel disconnected, and the moment i stop worrying, stop caring, i zone out and think about music or something random, and then she looks and me and actually starts smiling and dancing to some music that was playing in the background. It was like i didn’t even have to say anything. I could have asked her to “hang out” or something. I could even go back to that shop and ask her. I haven’t done something like that in years, but it’s exactly the kind of thing i would do. I don’t give a shit. But I actually had to move to a different town because i was living with mom and didn’t really have a job in that area.

Back on the gym story. I walk by this beautiful girl again on the way out. It is frustrating because she is just sitting their with her friends, they seem friendly, it seems like it would be almost easy to talk to them, in comparison to most ‘scenarios’ at least. I didn’t really have anything to say. But the one truly superb looking girl kept getting up and walking around. At one point i just looked into her eyes, she was the one I had made the joke to earlier. I noticed she met my eyes, she didn’t have to. But i felt like there was something there. It’s strange that small moments like this give me a sense of peace.

Something similar happened at the mall a few weeks ago. I noticed a lot of great looking women. I pay more attention to the vibes and the energy of a place now. I was just enjoying the energy of the mall. I noticed i made eye contact with two or three different girls, there were many girls i noticed, but these ‘two or three’ of them seemed to notice me too, and look back into my eyes. and that felt nice. i felt like something emotion passed between us. something good or pleasant.

The last girl i notice, she was extremely curvy. I used to see this like some kind of ‘forbidden desire’, like it was some how more ‘pure’ to go after the girls who made you feel romantic and not the ones who made you feel sexual, but their all equally important as people, and I’ve learned over time that the sexual part of myself is actually good and important.

So i notice this extremely sexy girl, she is not just sexy, she is definitely extremely sexy. And i make eye contact with her. I can’t even believe how big and perfect her curves are. I’ve seen curves like that before, but mostly on the internet. even if her butt was half the size i still would have felt a strong attraction to her, it makes you wonder why evolution even needs women to look that good when they would be amazing even if they were only half as good looking.

so anyway this girl looks into my eyes, she meets my gaze for a moment. I kind of started it of course, but i felt like she noticed my passion, it was like i felt it in her eyes, she liked it. but it was such a brief moment. it’s hard to know for sure. I mean she was so sexy. And i have never succeeded with a woman like that. Actually i can remember one other time when i felt a woman just that hot and curvy was into me, but back then i was struggling a lot more to know what to say and do so i just gave up on the conversation with her, even if i had tried to go further it might have just made it worse, that’s the sad thing really. sometimes courage just gets you killed ’emotionally’. I wasn’t ready back then, i wond’t have known what to do or say. I deserved love sure, don’t we all, but it’s really not obvious what to say to women. When i spend more time noticing emotions in myself and others it becomes a lot more obvious, when i am enjoying myself, but it didn’t feel like many people were telling me to do that. it seem like most people i asked had no idea what i should say or do any more then i did, even the people who were succeeding in love didn’t seem to know how, it was just “this mystery” the natural magnetic connection of the universe, the magic of “being yourself” or something, it just “happened” yeah that was helpful advice. and those people who naturally succeed all the time aren’t even supposed to know I supposed, and thinking they ‘know’ is almost a problem. It can be a problem if i depend on their advice and forget my own intuition or instincts. There is an interesting rhythm to balancing your connection to ‘self’ and to ‘others’ and it involves having fun and noticing your emotions and staying relaxed is very important I’ve learning over the years, and you can get ‘the hang of this’ and it gets much easier with time and practice, but it is not obvious or easy at all for many of us. and many will claim that it is easy or should be, and it is for sure to some, but claiming that meeting women or the opposite sex is ‘easy’ is almost a kind of insecurity, it is a need to ‘stand out’ or look good, to tell the world that you have it all figured out. i feel like most of us don’t know. and that was a major realization for me. I always figured other people knew and i didn’t for some reason.

Anyway this girl at the mall meets my gaze, and it feels nice. It’s frustrating how many years I’ve waited to find a woman like that. I remember seeing this attractive women around seven years ago and finally deciding, this is it, within the next seven days, I am going to approach and meet and date and have sex with a woman like that. I’m done waiting. I’m done being afraid. I’m done letting the confusion of it all get to me.  I had really hit the wall. The feelings were so intense, and there were so many women out there, the more i got out in public, the more i noticed there were more beautiful people out there then i ever imagined or thought possible, yet meeting them was not easy. So i became very driven then. I was around 23. However this became the start of a very dark time in my life. It was a very good and motivated time. but it lead to a crash. I was already pushing hard. and now i stared pushing harder. talking to more people. working out longer and harder hours. Doing these crazy multi hour meditations. there is no end to the list of insane things i did, and it all began from that passion to meet women. I was so furious, that i can remember even as a 13 year old, other 13 year olds were dating each other. And yet even now it was still quite hard to get a single date with a girl, i mean i could now and then, but nothing beyond that really. The dates i got were with good girls, and that felt good, but i noticed there was girls that made me feel even stronger passion just looking at them, and i struggled just getting dates with the girls who were a bit below that attractiveness level, girls that were pretty and good, but often i would see girls that would just fill my whole heart with passion just to look at them, and it was frustrating because i was convincing myself my life was a success yet there was still this category of girl that I was not scoring with at all. And often the girls would hesitate to say we were ‘dating’ they would call it ‘hanging out’ but still it felt great, like progress. but around this time when i was 23, getting a date or two with a pretty girl no longer felt like enough. I needed a girlfriend, or a least to make love to someone that made me feel strong passion. I had a lot of other creative passions and things to be grateful for in my life, yet the romance, that human connection element, was non existent, and that felt like the most important thing of all.

I could create a conclusion about how ‘things have improved’ which they have. but it isn’t important to ‘draw conclusions’ about everything in life, even though we feel we should for some reason. Sometimes I stop myself in the middle of sentences, feeling like I should have an ‘answer’ or a ‘conclusion’ and noticing i don’t need one. This is like a journal entry, it is on going, there is no conclusion

addition:

The truth is… five years ago I had this big dental operation done. I was pressured into it. It felt really unnecessary. But i wanted my parents to stop worrying. I am often in pain. It’s a choice i can’t undo. It holds me back from meeting woman, from enjoying life. I am afraid, even if I meet a woman I won’t be able to feel it. Lots of people with ongoing dental problems and dental pain are driven insane by it, they become grouchy, unlovable. It’s a nightmare. I used to be this noble warrior. Now it’s hard for me to speak with consistency. I get by making one word jokes. My struggles with women remind me of who I used to be, when i had hope. The truth is, I don’t struggle with women as much as i used to. the main struggling now is the dental pain. even if i get a woman, the pain prevents me from ‘being the man she needs’. and from really enjoying it myself. I’ve done a lot of research to heal this pain, but the technology is not there yet. I am still learning more. I can’t improve the pain, so i try to improve the quality of my life, i try to bring more joy into my life. Five years ago i began having cardiac pain… but the doctor never found anything wrong with me. it debilitated me. But i had to live on with it quietly. My family just acted like i had ‘gone insane’ or ‘become lazy’, it was the hardest time of my life because of the pain, and because people seemed to think so little of me, there was nothing i could do. A doctor came to my house. pushing drugs. He convinced my dad to force these pills on me, which weren’t even designed to help. they were like ‘autism pills’ it was embarrassing. And the drugs made me exhausted. I told the doctor drugs made me want to kill myself. that was when they literally sent the police to my house and locked me up for a while. It took a long time to get out of that. there is a much longer story here. maybe I will make it a separate post. I wanted to keep this blog optimistic and ‘give back’ to the world, but i want to open up about the truth of how dark my life really is, and the constant adversity i have faced just to stay alive. I’ve had to be my own doctor through it all, no one else could help with the pain. People kept remecomending yoga, acupuncture, meditation, therapy, my life was already structured around those things, that stuff was big in my family, i had an abundance of it, yet people recommended ‘more’. I eventually realized that my body was so weak and susceptible to pain, because it could all be connected back to the Lyme’s Disease i had when i was five. (yes I mentioned this in the ‘creepypasta’ story, 45% of that story is just straight up real events if you were wondering. creepypasta is supposed to be horror that is based on a real life story) The Lyme’s Disease explain a lot. Almost dying as a kid had left me more feeble then the average bare. but this was another conclusion I reached on my own, actually i think a fried gave me the idea, but I had to be my own doctor, my own investigator though so much of this, doctors i talked to, seemed to live by the book. I still don’t have a real diagnosis, even though i am chronically exhausted and in pain half the time. If i work more then 3 hours i get stabbing heart pain like i am dying and it is scary as hell. But i still have mom in my life to tell me i should be motivated to make more money and work more. I don’t want to die just so the world thinks i am a motivated individual.

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We Conquered Love, it’s almost epic

I met this amazing girl recently. I remember thinking that she was the hottest girl in my town/community, and thinking there was no way she would be interested in me. My plan was to talk to her if she wanted it, but not to ‘over focus’ on her, not to make her my main focus or romantic priority. She was inviting right away and invited me to sit next to her at this meetup event. However stuff like this happens to me now and then and i tell myself not to get ‘too attached’ just because I ‘got lucky’ and a pretty girl asked me to sit next to her. I had little connects with her for the following months. But then recently she needed a place to stay and moved in with me in my house where we live with six other friends. From that point on i told myself still not to get ‘too excited’ but after just a few days, something changed, i became much closer to her. Turns out she has a boyfriend and the cynic in me says ‘of course all hot girls are already taken’. i’m kind of selfish at this point in my life, being 29 and single, and am still wanting to pursue her. But it’s only because i also sense she has interest in me. I’ve been trying to get a girlfriend since i was 13. That makes this a 16 year quest lol. I don’t’ like to talk about it that much but i am actually a virgin. I think there is no same in this. I was ready to start a ‘virgins anominous.’ I think there is too much of a ‘race for sex’ with men, and it really isn’t something we need to validate our male pride. For the last 5 our so years i have been more interested in a quest for love then a quest for sex.

I did my best to send her the right signals to this girl. Lets call her Revanna. it’s only now and then. I try not to overwhelm her or come off as needy. They way she looked at me, looked into my eyes, and things she said let me know she liked me. When that happened i tried to give back, to send her the right signal. I like to make it a bit humorous, so it is friendly and not scary, being too direct can be scary or even crude to people. She told me she was “recovering from drug addition” so i told her “funny, many of the girls i really like seem to be recovering drug addicts.” I think she liked that. The statement let her know that i ‘really liked her’ I opened that door. But because it was indirect, it just ‘lets her know’ without forcing her to respond to it. There is a place for being more direct but in this case it wasn’t until after we made love. She told me i was beautiful so at that point it was pretty easy for me to feel safe telling her i felt the same way. I told her she was hot, and she told me i was hot. I never experienced anything so complete. At another point she was telling me that her ex needed anime porn to get off. I ended up telling her something like “I actually watch that too lol. I watched regular porn too though. I guess i need both. I don’t actually like porn that much because it feels kind of aggressive, i don’t really like watching other people have sex, so i guess technically i watch ‘videos of women’ that may or may not be porn.” I told it as kind of a ‘funny story.’ I remember thinking ‘what the fuck kind of dating tactic is this, I am telling her about porn. it was ok because she brought up the subject and i could tell from her personalty that she was ‘cool’ talking about most anything. It felt important to bring the subject up at least once because, to respond to that opening she gave me to talk a few sentences on that topic, because it lets her know that i have those desires. she had told me about her sexual inclinations, her struggle to remain committed to a single person. It felt important that i open up too, otherwise she might actually think that i was too ‘proper’ to have sexual inclination, or some shit, she might just think i wasn’t interested. in the past i would say so little that girls would think i actually wasn’t interested. even when i definitely was. I try to say just enough for them to realize that i have these thoughts and feelings, for them or girls in general, without going overboard. I think because i opened up about these stuff, she felt comfortable to continue opening further to to me, asking to hold my had and ‘cuddle me’.  At one point i was walking around with her outside, and she asked to massage my hand. I tried to make it seem comfortable and natural, like it was ordinary or totally cool, I wanted her to get that i was ok with it, often guys might go overboard and say something too sexual at this point, or say nothing at all. It is actually very simple, almost too simple, but i found that perfect middle ground. I just waited a bit and let her massage my hand, she said “how does that feel?” i said something like “that feels nice.” The old me would have said “that feels fine.” And that would have made her think i didn’t like it. A lot of these things are like strange habits. I think that “fine” is some kind of safe word, because i’m afraid in the past of saying too much. but I knew this time that it was important to say “nice” or “good” and not just “fine”. I think i probably could have done a bit more, i tend to be overly cautious. She told me that she has liked me this entire time. I remember  many times being afraid just to say “hi” to her. I realize i could have been a lot more bold, just in terms of ordinary things like saying high. This girl is 25, she is close to my age. I’ve met some girls who were a bit younger and just not interested. Because of that and my past experiences i tend to assume any girl i like won’t be interested. but that isn’t true any more. In this case she was interested, and I could have been more active in approaching her or saying hi to her. I got lucky that she moved into my house, there are six of us living here as friends. And living together made us way closer.

After things went so well with Revanna I started to reevaluate a few past relationships. I can think of a time from last year where a girl was nice to me but i thought she wasn’t ‘really’ interested. but she said things like “when are we going to go on a date Zack?” the singles were mixed. i thought maybe it was some kind of a joke. but then she was more forward the more recent times i saw her saying things like “Zack is one of my favorite people” to one of my friends. and asking me to go on a walk with her. I remember a day a year ago when we had a chance to hang out but she didn’t talk to me, here head seemed somewhere else. But maybe she just thought i didn’t like here. I think she was ‘going through shit’ but that didn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe she liked me all along. Like with Revanna, i could have included her more. This Revanna girl is so attractive that even though i wasn’t ‘sure’ she wanted to talk, i would just see her and be like “hey!” i tried to make eye contact with her. I remember thinking she wasn’t that responsive. but i think i was being to self critical. Because the next time I saw her she was driving by and she gave me a big wave, then she responded to my friend request on face book. It was that ‘delayed reaction’ effect I referred to in my Naturally Social book at one point. i have so many versions of that book i’m not even sure it made it into the final ones. Sometimes when you give ‘the love’ to someone, i mean in an appropriate way, like saying ‘hello’ they might not ‘appear’ to give back at first. they make a mental note of it and then feel more inclined to ‘give back’ in the future, to say hello in the future. we get discouraged to easily. I’ve even noticed this in myself. once this hot girl was inclusive towards me, she asked me how i was doing. but i couldn’t think of anything interesting to say. it felt like i didn’t have a ‘good’ response to her that reflected her energy / the joy i felt. but then 30 minutes later i got another chance to talk to her. it ended up being a great conversation that when way past my expectations, it just started with me wanting to ‘give back’ a good vibe that she sent me.

I was hanging out with this Revanna girl one night. She told me she wanted to “cuddle me”. We went to her room. She told me to “just relax”. It was compassionate and not ‘annoyed’ or something. It was helpful that she said that. After like 15 or 20 minutes she asked if I wanted to have sex. Like an idiot I said “maybe”. I think i get so content just cuddling or being near a girl that i don’t even want any more. I am used to a very slow rate of escalation, like years or even decades lol. But I immediately remembered that one other time in my life i turned down sex with a beautiful girl. I had my reasons. I wanted a relationship with that girl and i was afraid she just wanted one time sex. But the opportunity never came again. It would have been worth it just for the experience. Life can be so chaotic and unpredictable. I knew that another chance might not come again for like another 2 years or something lol. So after a few seconds i was like “actually, lets have sex.” It was great to have her on top of me. I didn’t realize how much rigorous humping was involved. For 16 years, from when my quest for love stared at the age of 13, till now, i just couldn’t succeed with women. I began to feel hatred inside me. I wondered if women were more ‘evolved’ then men. If they had evolved beyond the need for love. They could focus on there higher passions for art and academic ambition. While men were controlled by base desires for the booty and other sexual inclinations. I told myself stores like this out of hatred, to try and explain things, to make sense of everything. I told myself that women were better and they didn’t need us. It was great to feel this girl humping me, because it made me feel that she was just like i was, that she had the same desires i did and that we could embrace them together. In this strange place where heaven and earth intertwine. We humans are almost like angels in the way we appear yet we have this animal side to us. Society keeps us so straight laced, we block out our desires to maintain a ‘polite’ and appropriate social facade. Some of us feel so timid about our desires that the other gender doesn’t fully realize that we are ‘into’ them. We don’t find creative ways to express our passion to each other.

This girl was kicked out of her place of work for flirting too much. She had to move away to be closer to her new job. I don’t dislike her for that. Many of the girls I like have been ‘flirtatious girls’, those girls tend to have a lot of vibrant energy, because they are always ‘playing the game’, I don’t hate them for that. Love is unpredictable and they survive by keeping there options open. I might do the same thing if i was hot to the extent that everyone wanted me they way it seems to be with this girl. I’m just happy that i was in her life. This is a really beautiful girl, so when she told me i was her “best physical encounter” that really blew my mind. Even though she had to move away only 2 weeks after moving into my house, moving was the last thing she wanted, and i still feel really connected to her, we talk a lot by phone and text. Neither of us have cars, but that doesn’t stop the connection. Apparently she broke up with her boyfriend. She told me many times that she wanted to break up with him for various reaction, like he was a few years younger then her, long distance, still in school, and way to eager to get married after only being together a few months. I was tempted to say, “i won’t do any of those things” because i won’t, but i thought it was better just to listen and help with her conflict. Even though i had an obvious interest in there bring a ‘particular outcome’ as to the ending of her relationship, I didn’t push for that at all, it wouldn’t benefit me to be pushy anyway, i just acted exactly as a fried would act to listen to her and to help her make the right decision for herself. And as a separate subject in separate moments i let her know that i liked her. She told me i had a beautiful mind body and soul. she told me i was hot. I told her she was hot. I told her I loved her, “but not in a possessive way” I added. I was afraid the world “love” might be scary because it implies a ‘strong attachment’. But she said it was sweet. I still find myself being careful not to come off as too attached. I haven’t even talked to her about the boyfriend subject in a while since she moved away 2 weeks ago, but i noticed her relationship status on Facebook vanished, and 3 days later i reappeared as “single”. I can still see him posting to her on face book. It sounds like she let him down easy. Just because she is single i’m not assuming she wants to be with me. Now there is a bit more of a distance between us. But i’m not assuming she doesn’t want to be with me either. I had a few friends tell me “they didn’t want me to get hurt” from me telling them the story. that feels way to negative. I mean, any time you open that door there is the possibility of getting hurt, intact it is almost gaurenttee, yet it is worth it all the same. I am used to hot girls being really complicated and hard to get with, compared to some of the stuff i have dealt with in the past, this girl is totally easy. Even tough our time together was short lived, I’ve never felt so validated, the relationship with her felt so complete. She said all kinds of things, that she liked my smile and thought it was so genuine. She even said she liked my pelvis or some shit lol. once she started saying stuff like that it became much easier to open up and feel safe saying the feelings i had to her. I always find myself holding back a bit, i like to play it cool, i don’t want to gush or dump all my feeling on her, maybe it’s just because i’ve been hurt so many times.

There was this great moment when she was standing on the other end of the living room taking a selfie, she looked damn fine, so i said as much. I was like “damn, who is the girl in that picture, she is so hot!!” the picture on the phone was just her reflection basically in the camera of course. When i said that she got this great smile then and ran over and sat next to me. then she took a picture of me. This was another way I let her know i think she is hot but did it in this humorous light hearted kind of way.

I had all kinds of deep conversations with her but most of this was after we already had sex. People say that i have great listening skills but they only come out when i’m around really hot women lol. I’m just glad to have these skills at all. They are really simple, but it took a long ass time to get it, to get how simple it really is. It’s really simple in the short term, being with people and listening to them, but in the long run, i end up soaking up quite a lot of information and i can rattle of the most relevant insight or piece of information for all kinds of situations. The old me would always try too hard in the moment then burn out after a few hours. What i am doing now, it is like a “stylistic application of nothing” compared to what i used to do. I am just enjoining myself. I try to always grow my connections with others. I joke around now and then. I don’t make constant jokes, i take breaks and try to wait for the right moment, but people say they like my humor. My jokes are always related to what is happening in the present moment.  I’m always commenting on some kind of funny situation. I feel connected to the people in my hows, i think Revanna sensed that. so there was already a foundation for us to connect, for her to get to know me even before we stared having long conversations. I like humor, I like to take a difficult situation and put a creative spin on it, make it lighthearted, I do it because it makes me feel good, I actually do it for myself but other people like it, i like it because they like it, and they like it because i like it. Most of the deep conversations i had with Revanna weren’t till after we had sex, but they were important for furthering the relationship. She was forced to leave too soon, but it is still my most successful romantic interaction.

I think a lot of guys like me are afraid of the ‘friend zone’ this idea that if you don’t get the relationship to ‘heat up’ fast enough you will get stuck being ‘just friends’ for ever. Even the word friend starts to take a negative connotation, like it becomes senomonious with ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worth of love’ / something more. At the same time i know that becoming someones friend means you can have them around for life where if you are only romantically involved and not really friends, once the relationship is over that’s it. I’ve seen people who were dating stay friends for years after they broke up and possibly forever. I’ve also herd stories about people who were friends for years and years and finely at a certain point realizing that they wanted something more, even that they were perfect for each other. I think there is something essential that makes that difference. For me it is ‘party therapy’, it is being connected to the energy, harnessing the ‘good vibes’ of people and having self kindness, self love, being connected to yourself, etc. I believe if one can do this you can ‘break out’ of the friend zone, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been in that zone with someone for one year or 15 years, if you tap into the natural effortless ‘good vibes’ they will -feel- attracted to you to the point that they can’t help but want to be with you. it goes beyond logic. the friend zone becomes kind of like the matrix, it is possible to glitch out of the matrix, to unplug, by harnessing the power good vibes, and learning to be a more chill confident person. I notice i still have this fear of getting stuck in a friend zone, but maybe it is something i need to get over.

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It is Ok to be Attracted to Girls (the opposite sex)

This sounds like an obvious statement. However I used to think that it wasn’t ok to show girls you were attracted to them, not under any circumstances. I always got the feeling and the signal that they weren’t interested, and even looking at them, making eye contact could be bothersome for them. I felt the feelings were not appropriate to have at all, or even that women were ‘above’ those feelings that men had, and that I had to suppress or ignore them

However I was making a lot of assumptions. It is easier to see now that the assumptions came from a place of insecurity and self doubt. Low self image. There is a ‘right way’ to express those feelings, and it doesn’t even have to be that complicated. It’s just about simple stuff like saying “hello” and being around people and sending the right small yet appropriate signals. Not even to every single person, it’s ok just to say it to people you find interesting. Adding a little light hearted humor into the way you say things. And also a big one is approaching people / the opposite sex, in a way that is compassionate and helpful because frequently people are ‘dealing’ with something, and may appreciate a helping hand, literally or metaphorically, it often just means being their to listen. We think we have to use all these complex pickup-lines but often girls just want a guy who will be there to listen.

Now when I see girls I like, I am finding simple appropriate ways to let them know I like them. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. And sometimes even if you know the right way, it might not work on certain people, like if they are too shy. Yet I’ve seen this work in all kinds of places, even at work where relationship are not allowed, I will be making tons of eye contact with cute girls/women and feeling connection and chemistry to them. It is all very ‘appropriate’. Yet keeping things appropriate allows me to feel lots of great feelings of connection or attraction without ever ‘crossing any lines.’

Even if a girl has a boyfriend she often won’t have a problem with this, because she will see you as a friend, yet the attraction will still be fully there, it is quite different from a ‘friend zone’ where she thinks you are safe or smart or reliable but feels no attraction. Just learning how to make more rhythmic eye contact and enjoy her company, focus less on your anxiety if you have that, is already a way to get out of this ‘friend zone’. I don’t agree that the friend zone is permanent, I think it can be changed in a single day if you have learned to cultivate chill and good vibes in yourself. They will always respond to the vibes and feel attracted and it isn’t about the words. Always make sure not to over-focus on her, in the moment or thought the day, cultivate good vibes through being around and enjoy the company of groups of different people, look for people you like ‘your peers’ people you think are cool, this will grow the incentive, and remind yourself ‘I deserve to be around people like this’.

Also it is very good to have many friends of the opposite sex, particular those you are attracted to, this will add to a seance of contentment so you don’t over-focus on one girl. See the beauty in many different people. As I like to say “I like all the flavors.” The blonds, red heads brunets, skinny girls, thick girls. They all have different yet special qualities. When I first began feeling attracting I would fixate on one or two girls and ignore 100 others. Now I notice just taking time to look at people more I will start to notice how attractive they are, some girls don’t stand out right away, their qualities are subtle, but when you notice them they can become very profound or even additive.

Once it took me 3 weeks to notice this girl was even attractive, but now I think she is the most cute and adorable girl I know. With some girls it is right away. Sometimes it takes me 5 seconds to notice a girl is really hot. Some qualities can be hidden at first, but when you are looking for them and know they are there you find them faster. Sure it sounds perverted in some aspects, yet by doing this I find myself noticing and feeling attracted to a broad spectrum of girls. I am seeing the unique qualities of a large group of different people. And it makes it way easier not to fixate on a specific girl.

I bumped into this pretty girl one the street who is the front desk secretary at work. I was like “hey!” I try to emote the emotion I feel in a simple way when I say hello. I don’t mean talking ‘louder’, that’s a common confusing that louder is better or more exciting. I just mean that I try to put the genuine emotion i am feeling into my voice and eyes. I notice often they will respond to that. She responded like “hey!” right back. I felt that she was fully responsive just to me showing some enthusiasm, she felt she could show it back. I haven’t had any real conversations with her before, but just giving her a “hey!” with a little energy seemed to create a connection with her the old me would have never known was possible. It was really ’emotion’ more then loudness. Just by choosing to ‘feel’ that emotion to attracted-ness or love for her, to focus on it and stir it back up in that moment as i say “hey” she can actually feel what I am feeling.

This is because emotions are chemicals in the brain and those chemicals will teleport over to her mirror neurons, just kidding, I find our current scientific view to be confining, even primitive. I like to see the emotions as energetic electric (or bioptotonic) waves or pulses generated from the heart. The chemicals and hormones are part of it, but the energetic wave part may be even more important.

Natural Synergy healing with sound and acupuncture “click for video”
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“Everything in the universe, including your body, is controlled by energy.”

Often people just ‘get louder’ to show you they are interested, this really irritates me actually, and it’s funny because when I was trying to get girls i did this all the time. It’s funny when people are like shouting in your face “hello! good morning!” And you are like “hey…” ‘back up a bit’. It’s like they are disappointed you didn’t congratulate them on their great social skills. Often these shouter type people are the ones telling me to work on my social skills. I’m like, ok, whatever you say. Often this being loud and socially forceful is what passes for ‘great social skills’ or a ‘social role-model’ in our society, it really pisses me off. Then when people get irritated by it that type of person will be like “oh it is because they don’t have social skills. they are just ‘struggling’.”

It’s annoying that being yourself is considered ‘struggling’ to some people. Going at your own pace, taking time to yourself. Not enjoying people who are forceful hyper or condescending. I’ve seen this with lots of people and not just me. If you socialize in a different way that doesn’t mean you need to read 10 self improvement books and go to rigorous yoga classes every day, you don’t need a big depressing intervention and social shaming for your ‘problem’. Maybe the way you socialize is right for you. People will always say heavy/serious and confusing things about how you need to ‘improve’ yourself. It’s a mindfuck and I’ve been so much better off ever since i just stared turning in out. I’m not ‘hiding’ or running from the truth. I just finally after many years realized that all that self improvement stuff wasn’t working for me, a lot of it is bullshit. I was running in circles all my life. Finally i realized that the common wisdom of ‘trying hard and harder’ just didn’t make sense. I socialize in my own different way, and i am way happier then i have ever been, I hang around more but i have my own totally unique methods. I just enjoy myself mostly. I see myself as worthy. Girls dig me now.

It is funny there are a bunch of people who tell me about how I am “struggling.” Because I have my own way of doing this. I’m like “I am actually a lot better then I have ever been.” The old me never got girls. But he was academically and athletically a success. I could get A’s and B’s. I could run 5 or even 10 miles a few times each week. I did martial arts. I meditated a lot. I had discipline. I was a success in many ways, but my heart was overcome by a deep emptiness. Things like love and creativity, the things that really mattered to my heart, they eluded me, i was always ‘blocked’ creatively and socially. I’m so much more satisfied now. Yet people are always looking to improve something, even now.

People are always looking to improve or tell others how to improve, but it actually becomes a deceptive pursuit. I’m like “Actually I am pretty content, I think I turned out really well.” I’ve been through some difficult situations but I have skills to handle it well, I really beat the odds. People with higher authority roles over me tell me I need to learn to love myself, that I’m not motivated, that I expect something for nothing, that I am biased by privilege, that I need to improve my social skills, they say all kinds of funny things when I don’t just ‘do what they say’ it’s a way of controlling you. It’s not real. People live there lives conforming to patterns that don’t really benefit anyone, and it is scary when you question those patterns. Because it means that they really have been hurting themselves and others all this time.

There are actually lots of beautiful girls at my work. Guess I lucked out… though I’m not allowed to have relationships with them, that’s the catch, yet I feel great being around them and I develop friendships with them. The old me would have focused on one of them and been sad that it never amounted to anything more. Now I focus on a who range of people and or girls, but I work on my friend connections with all of them. It’s not really a ‘friend zone’ because I feel chemistry with them, some more then others, it feels like good practice for the real thing. It is good experience and it also makes me seem popular or desirable. Maybe that sounds superficial but it helps when a girl comes along who actually is available. This really amazing hot girl came into my life recently and I will wright about that more in another post.

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Depletion vs Depression vs Stress

Depletion is different from, yet can make our bodies more susceptible to, stress or depression. This was a side note in another article, but then I realized it deserved it’s own article.

I call this low energy state ‘depletion’ or ‘drain’ but it is NOT the same as depression… and not the same as sadness, even though they all can feed into each other. Depletion is an absence of phonic light energy in the body, like physical exhaustion, while sadness is an emotional response to an event or circumstance. This is not a clear distinction at all for many people, but it is very distinct and can be offensive to confuse them. Depletion is also not the same as stress, yet a depleted body is weak and will succumb of physical strain or stress much more easily, so they are connected in that way. Our society knows a lot about stress, but for me -depletion- (cellular energetic depletion) is an even bigger underlying root problem we know almost nothing about too often. For a while I was even calling depletion depression and then I had this moment where I was like, “wait, these are two importantly different things”, but when people repeat something a lot, it boggles your brain, it influences you. You want to say what is ready to be understood, yet you don’t want to be a sucker and completely give up on the point you were making just because your afraid of push back.

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Depletion is about the absence of energies our eyes can’t see (waves of light and sound, and magnetism), though we CAN see the EFFECTS of this energy or the effects of its absence. On the other hand, we often blame stress or anxiety because they seem like more tangible phenomenon, easier to spot and articulate, yet it’s really only half or 45% of the story. In fact if I have a hard day I will tell people i’m stressed because they get that right away, if I tell them I’m depleted they don’t know what i’m talking about, or think that I’m depressed and try to talk it out of me. If you say exhausted that implies you were working out, but you can become very depleted just from standing still too long, being still to long is actually uncomfortable for the body and causes energy to leek out. You can become depleted just form being near stressful, or depleted, people too long, or being stuck in a very blank drab un-stimulating room. Or taking refuge from the boredom of school or work in a place that has no people. Board during the day and socially depleted in the evening. Sometimes people can be together we but the community isn’t right, no one is having fun. It takes a larger community to undo depletion sometimes, a couple anxious friendships just aren’t enough to make up for an absence of connection and harmony and fun in the larger community.

Depression is its own significant and different thing, it may not be a choice, it can be deep built up sadness caused by many absences or negative events happening over years. I may not be doing depression justice, this article is more about depletion so i’ll stick to what i know, and the definitions have been been blurred, i wonder that a lot of what we call depression stress or anxiety in my mind is really rooted in and caused by depletion. And the words do matter because they can have different implications. The word -depletion- hits home for me that many of these problems are rooted in a physical absence of energy in the cells, not just an emotion or a ‘choice’ that certain people are not making… and not laziness or a lack of will power either.

Now I think there are many cases of depletion that are misdiagnosed as depression. A depleted person is very motivated, and struggling with the physical limitations that their body just can’t do the things they want to or feel connected to people for some reason.  Antidepressants may not do the trick. Many doctors are dying to hand them out and convince you that you have depression or one of their many diagnoses that you may not have at all. Many of these so-called disorders really I find have very little to do with the mind and the brain or permanent brain damage.. that is possible, even then damage may not be in the mind maybe another places of the body. I find a lot of these so-called disorders can be healed through the right kinds of environments through the energy of people practicing being around people every day and learning to enjoy the company of others and not see others as threatening. These  experiences of being blocked or having invisible walls in life can be healed through the power of play, learning and practicing how to play in harmony with others and enjoy yourself with others and practicing experiencing this every day just for a few weeks or months.  Bringing a variety of different types of play into your day and learning to cultivate that enjoyment, that feeling in your heart. and not getting obsessed over one singular activity  over and over for weeks and weeks, but having a variety of different ways of having a fun, yet not straining or forcing your body.  I find playful experiences with others such as going on a trip an adventure with people whom I like, to be extremely healing and transformative of all my physical problems or feelings of being blocked. things like medication have actually left me sedated, increasingly tired,  different pills I’ve tried that were recommended by doctors have left me worse off. I find doctors actually persist to give me them sometimes  I want to make things worse.  it’s almost like they do this out of this intense compulsion or force of habit.  This Fear to question or go against the norm. Despite all the great results I’ve got in from the power of people and play doctors still  whimsically handout meds to, I don’t know, millions of people I’m afraid to imagine the number.  Even things like a lot of the social coaching I’ve got and the mandatory karate lessons left me feeling exhausted and burnt out, feeling like making friends is this agonizing effort but never quite gives back what you want and the people you’re really attracted to always seem unattainable.  School ever did was teach me to place my intellect before my feelings and desires to top me to feel insecure like I had to impress friends by being a really smart genius person I didn’t realize I was doing it but I was always trying to be his cleverness to when our friends but my mind will just go blank from the pressure of not having any creative are good ideas I could never  Santa follow what people are talking about but it was only because I was stressed because I was making things so much more complicated than they ever needed to be her middle school just over complicated everything and took the fun out of life. Now just being around groups of people, sometimes in the festival type atmosphere when possible, I get my daily or weekly dose of human energy I just receive the energy now, go to the places that make me feel good when possible, and I don’t see it as an effort or challenge at all it’s just like eating food. I practice this playful attitude and I just be around people and it’s very effortless and I get way more results than I did with anything else before. sometimes attractive girls walk up to me and after a few days  my top pick girl is spending entire days with me back to back and she’s holding my hand and kissing me 3 times in one day. And it all feels very natural like the way it always supposed to have been. I nearly did anything.  I kept meeting her eyes and then she would say “hey get over here!” and I would just follow her.  That’s the most rewarding feeling when a babe is telling you “get over here”.  Everything society taught me I felt so forced and calculated I could never seem to access this inner energy and power in myself. I really have to cultivate that just through a pure enjoyment an almost indulgent enjoyment of being in the company of people and people I like and places I like when possible.. AND having an attitude of play even in difficult situations. equally making the most of difficult places or circumstances by always finding the fun in my job, in class, even when I have to work a mundane job, enjoying the company of all the people at that job. But still it is really just about enjoyment and not force and pain and agony the way I was raised. (sorry I’m using text to speech now and it has an atrocious errors I’m gonna have to go back and fix them)  entire life seems like a joke holding this girls hand and it happened so effortlessly it’s almost like she’s coming onto me I didn’t even do anything she was rubbing her ass on my crotch and grabbing my hand and dragging me down the halls it’s exhilarating and unreal like I don’t even know it’s happening anymore. I used  to put so much thought into getting the right timing and I’ll grab a girls hand just to have her let go or pull away.  It’s sort of like that scene in the movie office space I’m just having a party all the time now everything I was doing before it’s just a joke, endlessly tinkering away for years at tedious art projects hoping that one day I would be famous and have a girlfriend.  Or becoming the fastest runner on my team and running these 8 mile runs and still feel like a loser who has no friends for some reason.  All this effort was absolutely for no reason. now all I do is imagine that I’m always having a party, it’s just this ‘party attitude’ and good things just keep building up.  I treat others with compassion for the suffering and challenges they go through that often get overlooked yet I’m always having fun even the compassion is part of the fun because it opens the way at all that connected energy human, to the adventure of leaning about people. Even talking about my problems can be fun because it helps me relate to people and them relate to me.

Depletion is a significant absence of energy that effects the material body, it can be caused by many things, and often is caused by many things at once, not just one, or rather the absence of many things or factors that should be there. It’s illusive because the body can repel or bounce back from one negative element, so we can never find that ‘one cause’ depletion usually happens when there are so many negative elements in ones life, that it causes their energetic body to collapse in on itself. It requires many cures, or positive influences. That’s why one ‘cure’ may not be enough. The body is strong and often it takes more then one thing to bring it down, in many cases. So lets explore all those factors!

Environment matters a lot. I often see coaches working with depleted people and trying to ‘motivate’ them out of it. And this is what leads to the viscous cycle of stress, we think we are not good enough, never trying hard enough, if i just try ‘harder’ it will work.. it never does. The truth is being depleted is actually very hard already, and the solution is to soak up some good energy. To find the right environments, the right self-talk, learning to treat yourself with kindness, learning you deserve to put yourself in places that make you feel good, hang around people that make you feel good. rearranging your furniture, bringing more color and light into your house, putting up pictures that make you feel good, putting your well-being first. being around others, yet not chasing and sacrificing yourself for them. you can’t ‘motivate’ the photons back into your bodies cells. it’s actually a very enjoyable process, it’s about finding the rhythm and practice reining these energies. I spent a long time battling and stressing and motivating myself to succeed, but i found it very fruitless, stress that creates more stress, it eventually leads to a kind of insanity, and your willing to do anything and believe anything (i see this all the time), and that only gives fuel to the idea that ‘trying harder’ in this self forceful way will lead to results. At the end of the day i’m not offering immortality, it’s just a series of subtle yet significant shifts…. It can be easy to say ‘open more windows?’ that’s not that important’, or ‘decorate my house with colorful inspiring posters?’ i’ll get to that another time, or ‘variety sounds good but i like this activity more, so i will do this one activity all day’, yet when you combine all these energetic benefits, your standard of wellness can increase a lot, it magnetically shifts the body/heart, to create an upwards pull, your own gravitational center if you will, you cultivate enough personal satisfaction or deep vital energy, that you over come the exhaustive pull over gravity (not enough to fly) but you body will feel a lot lighter and more agile.

It’s a critical mass, where the positive forces in your life overcome the negative forces, it involves everyone and everything, but you don’t have to think about it all or make it complicated, it’s a lot of subtle benefits, but it adds up to create a dramatic shift, where now effortless momentum, photonic and magnetic energy, is working in your personal favor. before it was bleeding out into the ground. but now reaching a certain mass of energy, it becomes perpetual motion, ‘flow’ as many call it (without always explaining all the forces involved) and this body energy can make so many parts of life a lot easier and more beneficial to people around you. a depleted body suffers AND pulls people around them down too, like a black hole, it sucks in so many ways and is the hardest thing ever. Cultivate a critical mass of energy, and you benefit and others benefit. depleted people are not bad or lazy. There are so many stigmas about this it is crazy. When we realize that people who fall into the pull of gravity, these downward energies, and actually just waiting for their potential energy to be unblocked, we begin to see many more people as comrades, and support and love them rather then criticize them because we think they are ‘not trying’, which can’t be farther from the truth.

 

2019 note:

Please support me by buying my book so I can spend more time giving Natural Social Therapy (Party Therapy) to the world. I am struggling a lot with money and it is hard to get the project running or even make a basic living in today’s society.

For too long people have lived out entire lifetimes repeating basic trauma patterns and not living fulfilling lives while the rich blame the poor for being ‘unmotivated’ and many people suffer, suicide become the only way out for many. Our current society is not working. I think a better world is fully possible. All it takes is awareness.

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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

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