Saying “I like you”

I was getting along great with this girl for months at this work training program (kind of a big community-ish place.) She was one of the few really positive forces in the direct physical proximity of my little life here. Things were great for a long time… and I decided finally to get a little more bold.. and ask her on a date. I wasn’t sure what she would say by any means. I saw her all the time. It almost felt obvious at this point.. to ask. But man… her reaction. It was silence for about a day. Then finally she said “I’m not looking to date anyone right now.”

Ok.. that’s fine. I told her that was ok. “I’m not in a hurry to date anyone now either.” I say. The thing is.. often girls just say that to get rid of you when they have some other specific reason to not be attracted to you. I just wanted to know a little more. And even as a friend, i wanted to get to know her more, as I had been doing before. We talked more, it seemed constructive, we agreed to be friends. It all sounds mostly cordial and good in the messages. She gave more then one reason for not wanting to date. Mainly it was that she “needed time to work on herself”. She really rubbed in the “just friends” things a bit too much. “lets just be friends.. and nothing else” Ok, I get it. ….But she was just sacred.. guys pressure her, sure, yeah.. I try not to take it personal. I do my best to sound confident.. but I’m really not an aggressive person. I just don’t like to be blown off in one or two sentences without more of a conversation about what actually just happened. just because we are not dating doesn’t mean i don’t vastly enjoy her company, being her friend, the things we talk about, as i had been doing up until then. she was a positive force in my little life here.

but yeah. it continues. it seems ok enough in the messages, rather good actually, respectful, articulate. yet when i see her throughout the day.. she is like physically running away from me, there is this very bad vibe, just when i happen to pass by her during the day. Things are not the same. it’s been over a week and she reacts like something really bad has happened.. just because i gave this “implication” i liked her. She is actually very chubby. I never said that to her that of course lol. And really she is very happy all the time and curvy (lol), and an uplifting force in my life in general.. she seems good with animals and kids. she says kind insightful things in group. she looks kind of innocent and cute but just starts rattling off all these really mature sounding things and topics without batting an eye. she looks like a big cute happy kid who like dancing to pop songs and eating lollie pops. but she has worked in hospitals. she can speak about any topic. she is serious. I thought she was like a hidden gem because you don’t notice her quality right away, or rather it has grown on me a lot. I feel very positive around her.. Lots of people can be driven in life by a kind of a stress or trauma, however you call it. She is very natural. She just looks healthy you know. I really feel for anyone with trauma like myself.. yet it is also true for me it is really healing to find one person like that who seems so grounded or ‘in nature’ kind of all the time.

I thought she would see this as a compliment, that i asked her on a date. Even if she said no. I didn’t have an expectation.. that was for sure. But i had waited months.. and my main concern was that she might think i didn’t actually like her and go for someone else who just had the balls to be more direct with her. I liked her more.. so i was taking my time. but knowing there are other guys out there.. that effects your process.

You have the right to say NO

AND you have the right to repair the damage

(a right to let them know why

and to talk things out between them and you)

A year ago i was actually in California, and i had met more then one great girl in my time there. it was some kind of serious miracle. I was forced to move back to New York. I am not a big fan of New York really. I like it.. but it is not the right place for me, maybe for a year or a few moths.. but not a place to grow up in unless you are already really confided about the way you life is going. lots of people to meet here.. but they are all busy. it’s a kind of illness, the constant busyness. I need warm weather.. chill vibes.. beaches.. year round. I have enough challenges already. The cold busy life of New York.. i wonder how it shaped me growing up over the years.. kept me more isolated… always trying to become something better.. cultivating that feeling that i didn’t matter.. afraid to seek out new groups. Eventually i did.. but man a nice environment really helps.

Even my cousin moved back to her home state because she said she couldn’t meet anyone in New York. many people she came across seemed to put work before family and relationships, they were preoccupied… the drive to “success” you might call it. For them they probably thought it made them sound more active.. the ambitions.. the devotion to work.. for her she wanted a family man. someone who valued the simple things. All those fast talking smart New Yorker’s probably thought they were making a good impression.. but there was something more obvious and basic missing.. and it is hard to know it.. when it is so apart of you.. i grew up inside it.. in California things were “better enough” that it helps me to see more clearly that there was a different way. that life really could feel easy or natural in relationship. It was like I moving my inner “tree” into the sunlight, when for so long i had been growing crooked in the dark. But i couldn’t afford to keep living there.

My life in general is a mess. out of control.. but i have to see the best in it. I live in these chaotic community homes… one to the next. this one is better then the last. That’s why i really wanted a friend like this girl. Someone so natural and stable. There are a few other people here i feel that way about.. but they are like my “superiors”.. people i “work under” so it is confusing asking if they want to hang out. they don’t ask me to hang out. there is actually even a rule that i can’t ride in their cars so it is super awkward and a little sad. also sad that i work under people younger then me who feel like they are friends, but like I’m not even allowed in their cars. there are lots of group activities but that isn’t always my jam. You want to feel like you can do the things you want to in your free time… and a few people in the group are really off the walls. Like a few specific people talking loudly over other people or randomly circling around the room being distrating. So all that chaos.. and the need for something calm and powerful.. put more pressure on finding a friend like this girl. the one person who is normal to talk to.. and not my superior. Like this happy ball of sunshine that just randomly dropped into my universe. but i had to make a choice about weather to be honest about liking her. I thought it might help move things along. If she had been feeling shy.

This girl, she kept saying that she needed to “work on herself” but it has been months since her last break up. i was never like.. in a hurry to “get with her”, never like in a hurry to “bang” her or something lol. I’m the type of person who could be contended with just for the pure joy of being around a person. It can feel so good to just finally have the company of a cute girl on a consistent basis. but her response.. brings up questions… what freaked her out so much? Does she see me as a preditor? Does she think i am disgusting that she has to over her eyes from me and run?

Before i asked her on a date two weeks ago.. we were taking with some regularity, making eye contact, comfortable in close proximity thorough the day, it was great, consistent, natural.. until i told her i liked her. I told her a bit more about my self. and asked a few question to get to know a bit more about where she was coming from and it all felt pretty mature and good for for the most part. and now when i see her in person she reacts like she is disgusted by me. and what really gets under my skin is that when she talks in the workshops here.. she sounds quite wise and mature, I am impressed by her. She says she wants a relationship where she can “talk about trauma,” because that is healthy to do.

Society doesn’t teach people how to handle these situations. i mean just the way this has been handled was extremely traumatic. talk about trauma. It feels like my gut is telling me that if her response is this brutal simply to a guy liking her.. that she doesn’t really understand the value of the relationships that continue to come her way just because she is cute. Society will never tell her to handle it better or to be kinder. Like she gets relationship after relationship (with guys who end up cheating on her)… and hopes for something better.. but takes it for granted, that there will always be another one,  guys will be asking her out.. so she can brutally blow off someone for all time if the timing isn’t right. it’s one thing when it’s not a good time for her. but sometimes it is like they really just mean “never”. i told her i was learning things and could use time to work on myself to.. that i wasn’t in a hurry. This type of thing just happens way to often. there are a lot of people in my area… but this was the person i had serious ongoing chemistry with. In California there were way more girls. but it was never easy. I was single until i was 29. I dated a girl for a few months once.

But yeah what is with this pattern of getting close to a girl.. but then it is like she is devastated to find out that you like her… It feels really fucked up. Like i am not her friend at all now. and i hear her talk about it and it feels like everyone among her it telling her this is the right thing for her to do. we had good vibes before. i never -needed- to date her. i don’t need it at this moment. but i need to feel like girls find me attractive. it is very confusing.. when you do everything right and are single for 29 years. I can tell by how this girl talks that she has blown off other men this this cold sudden kind of way.. and she is upset that most of them get angry. when i handed it very cordially and kept up a dynamic soothing dialogue.. she still treats me like we are in high-school.. like running away.. like holding a grudge. it effects me.. because i have no friends in this area.. she was also a true friend here.. now it is like she would rather hang out with the local retarded guy, not that there is anything wrong with being retarded, but this guy is also really obsessions.. but she feels safe with him? because she knows he won’t ask her out? what the hell. she and i are like the most normal people at this place. i just needed a friend and got over excited i guess.

I don’t need a relationship with anyone. but it feels like i can’t even be her friend now. you would think it would have been a compliment. she has the right to say no. but it feels like she was so hurt by it.. and we should be able to talk about that. why it hurt. or even better.. simply change the topic.. but stay as friends. i really don’t have a lot of friends in my physical proximity right now.. and i was really vibing with her for a long time. she’s just the right kind of natural person that I need to be around right now.. even just as a friend. we humans have got to stick together. this life is hard enough. loneliness is real. that was really all i needed.. i was just afraid she would think i didn’t like her. and any day the irony is that some guy who likes her less then i do could have asked her out.. because he would have been less invested in the result of what she says. that’s where it got complicated. otherwise i could have kept being her friend far longer before saying a thing. she is kind of goofy and chubby and I really do like her and I thought maybe she didn’t think she was good enough. man the roles have reversed like 180. I can’t argue with it or get in the habit of trying to prove i am good enough. Everyone has the right to say no. it is a lot more confusing when you have been getting along with someone for a long time.. and you see them every day. It feels like it would bring more relief to talk through this type of thing. there is no reason why she needs to be afraid of me.. and we see each other all the time.. it just makes things more uncomfortable.. it makes me feel bad.. and she had potential to be a true friend. It’s annoying to have to regret telling someone “i like you” but if you never tell them.. you will regret that too.

It brings up a lot of questions. like if you ask a girl out. and feel a great vibe with her. and she tells you it is not a good time in her life. and then starts to feel really conflicted and uneasy just knowing that you liked her.. like maybe guilty, it probably brought up a lot of questions.. like things that went wrong in past relationships she isn’t read to even start to think about. but then some other guy asks her out a year later when it is a good time for her. when she has worked out her demons. and then it is true love forever. so much of love seems like circumstantial.. being in the right place at the right time. i have been aware of this even since i was much younger… like say 17. love feels very natural.. but like society doesn’t give us the right way to talk about it or make time for it. We want the same things.. but if the timing isn’t right.. it can go very wrong.. people who like each other could become almost like enemies.. because you don’t really talk to the other person.. you trigger each other.. one person feels worthless and rejected.. the other person feels pressured and controlled. you both could be in agreement. but you don’t know it because you are afraid to speak to the other

You just have to hope that it is the “right time” for someone.. and it all starts to feel so totally random.. but when you actually see the person like in reality.. beyond what society tells us.. you feel a real connection.. something that is real and healthy and important.. even just being there friend.. seems to attract more good things into life for both people. I find it hard to talk to her.. because she runs away. it freaks me out. that she is doing that. like an overreaction. i feel like because she is not talking to me.. she just be imagining something much darker is going on. like she can’t know what i am thinking. she probably thinks i am pressuring and controlling her.. not handling a rejection well. I was really happy just the way things were. it is really silly. it feels like not talking about it is creating way more pain. but society will tell her “you have the right to say no. you have the right to reject” but that isn’t the actual quetsino here. that is a distraction. how do you mend a friendship? how do you repair a connection to someone? Before this we had a positive mutually beneficial connection.. that had been sorly lacking in my life for a long time. us humans gotta stick together in this crazy world. For guys the term “just friends” hurts.. it hurts a lot. And it is something that should be spoken about honestly. but it doesn’t mean that we are “in a hurry to bang” or “need” to pressure a specific person into a relationship. “wanting” relationship doesn’t make you “entitled” but i feel like society seems seems to strongly imply that it does. it is hard.. but it feels like guys and girls should be able to talk openly about this type of thing. like we are hiding in our triggers and triggering each other.. when the irony of it all is that the two of us are actually in agreement.. but she is a bit younger then me.. she is more afraid.. she is afraid to talk to me.. won’t actually told to me.. so she is probably imagining that i am this guy pressuring her into something she doesn’t want. stuff that isn’t there. I don’t like to wait this out forever. but i feel afraid to just walk up and talk to her. too much bad ju ju. like this girl will literally run away and it will make it so much worse. what did i ever do to disserve this? lol

So i saw her today. She  was walking by. It had been on my mind a lot. Why was she afraid? had i really upset her? I got her attention .. she didn’t actually run away this time. she smiled or walked closer or something like that. I told her i was afraid i had upset her.. and that i felt bad about it. i waned her to know that i was in agreement with her that we could be friends, and that i had no ill wishes to her. that she didn’t have anything to fear from me.

And she said “yes everything is good. it’s good. we are in agreement.” something like that. it felt positive. my eyes met hers it felt good. it was almost too brief. she was walking to the office where the have lollipops. she has a habit of going there once or twice a day to get a pop. she seemed in a hurry to get there. like that pop was more excieting then i was.

this brought another question to mind. perhaps she wasn’t that troubled by me at all. was it possible that i was simply such in inconsequential element in her life that none of this had really even effected her. it felt like she had been afraid of me.. but maybe that was combining with the fact that she was simply indifferent about me. that was equally scary. she seemed in a hurry to get to that pop. but i felt great. it felt like we were in fact on good terms now. even it it was resolved in just two sentience. now i had got it off my chest. a better version of what i had meant to say seven days ago before she stopped reading my message.

i felt good. it felt like something had been repaired. it wasn’t even as wrong as i thought. now i didn’t have to read too much into her actions or expression. it might be natural or reflexive for her to want to look the other way.. know that she knows i like her.. that we had that conflict. her trauma is feeling pressured into relationships. my trauma is feeling rejected and lacking relationship. We have opposite traumas. We triggered each other. it is sad. that we have to be so different and oppisite. like tragic irony. But it was never really “personal”. and we are actually in agreement that we both could use a friend right now.. and that is more important then dating anyone. (LOL of course i do want a relationship as a guy who as been single the vast majoirty of his life.. obviously that is only natural.. but i mean i agree that i have no specific NEED for it to be her.. or for it to be “now”) It is normal that you may not want to date a person.. but i don’t think girls like her always realize that there can be intense hidden implications behind what she says that can leave people feeling hurt.. that’s why it is good to talk about it. for her it is not a good time. she has unloved business. but some guys are used to being alone.. used to rejecting.. it is hard not for it to feel personal. and at the end of the day.. even just the friendship with a nice girl can feel very rewarding if you have been single so long. And it can lead to you feeling positive and actually attracting relationships with more people.. having friends of the other sex.. it is not necessarily bad to be friends with someone you like. i mean.. sometimes i can like 5 or 10 different girls and be friends with all of them. it has happened before. and it feels very positive.. and you end up not focusing too much on anybody. guess what.. they are all taken. who cares. it still made my life better.

i feel good about it. it’s an improvement. i go onto facebook. she handed unfriended me so i felt that maybe what she said and what she felt could be different things. i clicked on her profile. I’m just broad. i don’t have that many friends her. i was thinking about relationship. and the connections i have here. at least i could feel good that i am her friend again. then i noticed it said “message (her name) if you know her”. she had unfriended me. she had actually unfriended me over this and i didn’t even notice. we had only just friended a few weeks ago. that was so extreme. if anything i thought this might have brought us closer. we wanted different things but that is normal.. i had used it as a segway to talk to her about a variety of things in that conversion seven days ago.. we talked about why we were here.. what we wanted out of it.. something else.. i can’t remember. it was brilliant really, how much better i am at this. i was turning the negative into a positive. I could sell that conversion in a dating skills book.

but yeah then it felt like she was actually afraid of me. talking to her was great. but now i notice that she actually is not my friend anymore on the internet. she is younger then me. this is very normal for some girls. things get very dramatic. I knew somebody that would unfriend even her closest friends any time they had a big argument. I’ve never unfriend anyone. its sad. how happy and normal she seems. stuff like this is what makes me question that we are in fact on “good terms”. it feels very immature and ridiculous.. but i am short on options here. if i was in California.. i was meeting way more chill happy people there. this is not the place for me. i knew that from the start… i had no choice. I’m trying to focus on the good relationships i do have here. What is the purpose of this story? I feel like this type of situation comes up a lot though, and at the least it makes a good story.. at best we learn something profound about society and it helps us all find better relationships LOL.

 

The Energetic Heart & Body

the Electric Heart, Magnetic Connections
and the healing power of light.

Unknown to modern understanding, hidden to the five senses, the human body gives off a subtle healing energy. For many of us… we have always ‘felt it’, this ‘energy’ between people, this higher feeling, yet never truly understood ‘why’ and ‘how’. The energy of life can feel divine, like something not of this world, such ‘true love’, or just a feeling of being ‘connected’ to people, a feeling of being in your purpose, in a new place, around the community. What if that feeling wasn’t something so ‘ethereal.’ What if it was something more basic, like air and water, something you could have more often, or even all the time. We go about our lives chasing our ambitions, unaware of this energy source that is right there, available in communities, in festivals, at the park, in the mall, with your friends. It’s right there if we know where to look. This exchange of energy, it happens all the time when we’re are in close proximity of others, even when we are doing or saying very little at all. The ‘energy’ is subtle yet important. According to German scientists.. the human body emits small measurable intensities of light, known as biophotons, from the eyes and skin. (Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp.) (Herbert Schwabl, Herbert Klima. Spontaneous ultraweak photon emission from biological systems and the endogenous light field.)

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This biolight, this ‘biophotonic field’ if you will, a kind of light energy that humans emit without even trying to, it is healing to ourselves and other people around us. Our bodies have a system for receiving biolight from each other, storing it in our cells and DNA. “Cellular damage can be virtually repaired, within hours, by faint beams of light.” (Popp) Biolight and other energies exchanged between people exist “just below our conscious perception.” (Rollin McCraty) We have this ‘bioluminescence’.

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My own spiritual and social journey to become more connected to others lead me to realize that there was some kind of ‘energy’ or vitality that would just ‘appear’ over time when large groups of people had gathered. In particular when those people seemed relaxed and were having fun. After years of exploring this concept it began to occur to me that humans were constantly exchanging small amounts of energy, that this energy was light itself. It began as energy from the Sun. Only this was a kind of living light. This ‘group healing effect’ seemed to be a simple answer to many of my life long struggles. A simple answer that took years even decades you might say to even notice or attune to. It had very little to do with ‘social skills’ as I had always been told, and ironically had more to do with particle physics. The healing effects of the energy people emit, light. And to put it more simply, it was really about relaxing and enjoying the self in the company of others. Too long I had focused my social energies into impressing others and trying to calculate in my mind what would be the best thing to say. All that energy, my ‘light’ was being channeled into slightly misdirected intentions, put there not by my own mistakes, but rather by society itself. The advice and ‘common wisdom’ that was surrounding me. As it turned out connection and attraction had very little to do with what I ‘said’, it was all about energy, joy.

If someone is too focused on  achieving tangible goals or getting the approval of others they never notice and emotionally experience, really ‘feel’ their own inherent worth in relation to themselves and others. Though we can’t see biolight particles with our eyes, we can act with an awareness of these energies and arrange more opportunity to simply receive their benefit. Biolight is a type of resource that can only come from being with people. The amount of light is seemingly small but the effect is significant over time. We don’t have to make an effort to produce it, because it is already  being produced.

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There is a kind of mirroring and or multiplying effect that happens between people and in groups. The energy keeps reflecting off and circulating between people over minutes and hours of relaxed playful interaction and even just physically being around groups of people, the energy increases and increases. This relaxing and enjoying of the company of others opens the flow for the energy, takes the mind off thoughts of fear, it heals the trauma that is caused by both isolation and dramatic events, often events and traumas we aren’t aware ever happened. The absence of the life force energy is in itself traumatic. And being around groups is a rapid way to feel that life force flooding back into your body. even if you have no trauma what so ever, doing this is fun and revitalizing to the fullest extent. We are inherently social creatures. You don’t have to ‘make yourself’ be social, that becomes like a misunderstanding about the body itself, when you make peace with the fears and worries inside you, and let go into the energy of the group, it just becomes enjoyable, the less you ‘make’ yourself do things, the more you become ‘naturally’ magnetic, ‘naturally’ attractive.

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I was fascinated to learn, five years ago when I was 25, that the term ‘biophoton’ was out there and there was a lot of research already confirming my suspicions. At the same time I felt that the research was incomplete, all through the essential discovery is there (of the body utilizing light energy similar to the way plants do.) I saw little mentioning of the way the energy seems to vastly multiply in large groups of people, or around people who are relaxed and having fun, in parallel to each other, or in the process of relationship. And no mention of the way the energy seems essential to attraction, physical romantic and friendship, key to confidence, and they way it seems to heal many things such as ‘autism’ and any difficulties connecting with desired persons (other people).

I think the current research is great, but i would much like to further it by measuring the energy and noticing any changes that occur in large groups or in festival like atmospheres for example. I think it would be interesting two measure the changes of energy in individuals in many different setting, public settings like restaurants or cafes, or in the park, at parties, and at home, at work. and see the differences. I am not concerned that everyone adopt the term ‘biophoton’. I think the term ‘deep vital energy’ is a bit better for the layman to use, it doesn’t sound so nerdy or science, although it is a bit wordy. Other words have been used such as ‘orgone energy’. Terms like ‘chi or prana’ describe the same energy, however those terms can imply effort, lots of skill, martial arts training and awareness. The ‘deep vital energy’ requires little skill. Often unskilled people will happen to be in good positive community environments that can naturally and or accidentally provided them with all this ‘vital energy’ this ‘orgone energy’. It doesn’t have that much to do with training. However you can practice to be more aware of it, and to consciously put ourselves in locations where you will naturally receive it’s benefit. I feel that the research on bio-photons doesn’t express the incredible social physical and emotional benefits of the energy, and the way it multiplies in social settings, particular ones that are relaxed or have a fun atmosphere.

When you are in these healthy good energy ‘good vibe environments’ you won’t even have to try to receive the befit of the energy. It will happen naturally. Mostly you will just have to make sure not to worry too much, to ‘get out of your own way’ so to speak. And the energy will continue to feel good even after the ‘good time’ is over. You have been noticing this energy all your life, it isn’t really anything new, some people like me may even lust after it, or become deeply devoted to a spiritual practice to get more in touch with it. I don’t think it has to be such a battle any more. There are many people out there who have all the natural skills they need to succeed, like they aren’t even trying, success just comes to them.

Research from 2019 indicates that the light is actually carried by single celled organisms that travel through a system of ‘microtubules’ in your body, like a second circulatory system, that is much smaller. In a strange way the light field really reminds me of ‘the force’ from Star Wars. And the micro organisms that carry light in the body, they are much like the fictitious (and controversial) ‘Midichlorians’. Particles that carry the force. The microtubules are like a scientific explanation of the Buddhist concept of energy ‘meridians’ passes for energy in the body. This new research about biophotons and microtubules, what I was first referring to as ‘deep vital energy’, is the gateway to a totally new understanding of the body, and also key in how people connect socially. But modern science the way it is is may be likely to protest it for some time to come.

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It is possible that many human struggles and perhaps even bigger struggles of the world could be explained by absences of this ‘bio-photon’ energy and or absence of understanding how the energy works, like blockages in the flow of light between people. While this energy is essentially the same as ‘chi’ or ‘prana’, yet the ‘deep vital energy’ as I sometimes call it, unlike those concepts, this energy can be spread out or distributed across society and communities essentially at random. If you look at the universe scientifically you will see that there is much about the distribution of matter and energy in the great void of it all that is truly random. You don’t really ‘earn it’ (the light, the love) or get it because you’re ‘worthy’ or ‘not worthy’. That’s why it’s important to know that you ‘are worthy’ even if the ‘light’ hasn’t reached you enough in your life, so to speak. That’s why we have to change our concepts of ‘I don’t deserve it’ ‘I’m not worthy’, you didn’t feel the love, so you build up this concept that you are not worthy, and you have to earn it, that’s a stigma society needs to get past. When you see how -random- it all truly is, you realize it’s not your fault you didn’t’ get the love. You deserve it, even more then the people who got it from the start. there isn’t any ‘flaw’ with your ‘character’. Often if anything the main flaw is thinking you have a flaw, like a ‘complex’.

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We often treat trauma like it is primary mental. but I find personally that it can be largely emotion more so then it is existing in the mind or brain. It can be very traumatic to feel ‘cut off’ from this life force energy. That feeling of being ‘cut off’ often stokes feeling of fear in the heart, it beings as fear singles in the heart more so often then it is rooted in specific mental complexities (in my opinion). Making trauma too ‘mental’ and ‘about the brain’ can actually further complicate it. Over the years I have learned to get more into my physical body, feel the emotions, feel the pulses and responses in the body. Getting out of the ‘words’ the thoughts, that stuff is secondary to emotions and feelings which move much faster.

Your feelings can make choices much faster then your mind can articulate those choices into the English language, or whatever is your first language. I find myself sometimes using language to communicate with myself, when really language is designed as a way to communicate to other people, your feelings are a language of their own. Feelings get scary, we get afraid to trust them. So we put words over top of them. Yet the feelings carry a lot more power then the words. A feeling says a lot. Feelings are magnetic. Electromagnetic. I think we undervalue feelings in modern society. “Feelings are chemical signals in the brain” you will hear. We are really ‘big’ about the mind. there are always new books coming out about the ‘mind’. it almost annoyes me now, because it makes the mind like this celebrity, and we tend to over look the power of something truly very simple like a -feeling- and the way that simple -feeling- can put us in touch with a vast river of energy between people, of raw charismatic power and intuitive instinctive connections to others, sometimes even at a great distance.

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(ba = biophoton absorption)

Too often we get ‘cut off’ from the energy of people. Yet modern science isn’t really that aware of the energy, it is like a fringe science, or pseudoscience even, so the idea of being ‘cut off’ from the light energy of life, is not a situation that is taken with any serious gravity. however it is very serious. the light energy is a driving force of life itself. Without it, you will be disconnected, from people, from your(full)self. Society may label you ‘high functioning autistic’ or a number of other things, such as ‘depressed’. As though something has ‘gone wrong’ in your -brain-. And believing that is true ironically keeps you spinning in the mind, trying to puzzle out a problem that was never the to begin with.

When really what you are missing is time in your life to enjoy the vibes, and the emotional connection that you deserve it, you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy the company of others and not just compete to impress them. The forces that take your light away can be truly random, and that’s why you have to remember that you deserve the love. the light. You will be surrounded by people telling you you have a complicated problem of motivation or of mind, of physiology, but really the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to open they way for more light to enter your life, to get out there, soak up the vibes, and be kind to yourself instead of worrying what others will think. I spent all my life trying harder to be more successful, to self improve, it all turned out to be a spiral in the end. it turns out…. happiness is easy.

Once you identify what got in the way of giving yourself permission to be happy around people, you start to feel the stress in your body, and you start to let it go. Trauma is a bigger problem in society then we give it credit for. It is exacerbated by the fact that we aren’t that aware about the way energy flows between people and multiples in groups. We fight for scraps of joy here and there, when all you have to do is show up to a party or a festival, and you become like a sponge, soaking up the life force, the light, the ‘human field, the vibes, and that energy powers your deep body, you retain it, like this ‘after glow’, you can go home and wright novels, or enjoy a video game with this heightened sense of perception and emotion, appreciation for the little things, you are charged on life and don’t need the game to fill the void any more so you gain this whole new appreciation for the details, you don’t have to be glued to people, you can just enjoy life at your own pace. That energy is fuel for all kinds of things. Sometimes what we call ‘motivation’ to strive for greater heights is a mentality that makes life unnecessarily challenging. When you are used to doing things the hard way it almost seems too easy to just allow yourself to feel happy.

Some families and or groups have the ‘good vibes’ and produce lots of vibrant magnetic or attractive children, others are awkward and have ‘low energy’ emission. It is very random and chaotic, and it is not anyone’s fault. If a flower doesn’t get enough light, it is not the fault of the flower that it is not growing, and it’s also not the fault of the flowers near by, and no amount of shouting or telling the flower to “grow” can make it grow. It grows from sunlight soil and water, being in a nourishing environment. That means being somewhere where it can receive the ‘energy’ to become part of it’s flow. People grow like plants, yet we place judgment on ourselves and each other all the time for things that aren’t anyone’s fault. We need to take charge of our lives and seek out and create environments that make it easier to thrive, and break the patter of what all the old voices and old habits of conditioned society tell us we ‘should’ to. What all those voices tell us ‘is right’ and start listening to what ‘feels’ right. Listening more to that feeling. It isn’t obvious. And even just listening to the feeling doesn’t mean everything will go right. The first time i tried just trusting in the ‘feeling’ never even seemed to let me leave the house. I think I got more discouraged about trusting my ‘feelings’ after that. It didn’t seem to be the first time feelings had lead me astray. And yet all that goes back to the environment thing. once I got myself out of the house and into that environment where i could ‘grow’ like the flower. The energy started to flow. I went to meetups and concerts and places where people were having fun. That was how i taught myself to succeed society. And disconnected from the old advice the forced social skills and ‘be yourself’ stuff that wasn’t working. The ‘try harder’ thing that feels like motivation yet becomes endless and fruitless over months and years.

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“Everything in the universe, including your body, is controlled by energy.”

Much new information and research is already out there yet the struggle society now faces is the tendency to get stuck in a kind of ‘group think’ a classic psychology thing that is easy to overlook, the tendency to do what the group is doing, to do what others are doing just because others are doing it. Similar to having a kind of blind faith in ‘the experts’ and other authority figures just because they ‘should know’.

This research about the ‘light energy that travels between people’ opens up a new way to understand how we connect and what makes us feel fulfilled and happy. It comes from being with people yet it adds color and joy to all other aspects of our lives, our passions and joy.

The energy continues to last inside of us even after the social gathering is over. Not unlike charging a battery. In a way we are like organic batteries charging wirelessly when we hang together in groups. It sounds silly, yet looking at it this way has made things like socializing and going to parties immensely easier for me. Now I don’t even try. I just enjoy myself. It is something you have to get used to. But with practice it becomes very easy. You keep showing up and letting go of all the old assumptions that tell you you can’t. They come from the old ‘low energy’ conception of realty I used to be in. And now people want to talk to me. We are giving off the energy all the time, it is not a choice, just noticing it is there, now i can take more time to fully enjoy it. Unlike the force or something from DBZ the energy doesn’t give us super powers, however it does connect us more to people, and to me perhaps that is a superpower lol. You can mainly notice it with how you feel, such as ‘uplifted’. You have been noticing it all your life. I did. But I didn’t know that I could have more satisfaction more often. And it wasn’t about ‘working harder’ as I thought for so long. When I notice and feel the energy around people more I tend to seek out those places and environments that made me feel uplifted, the concerts or even just going to the park. I also began to change my perspective with home life, really accepting the goodness that was already there, taking more time to enjoy it. I found that enjoying what i already had, i was attracting more. Friends of friends would stop b, suddenly they saw me in a new way. It was about both acceptance, seeing the good in what already is, and being proactive about seeking those people and places that made me feel uplifted, fulfilled, that kind of healthy good feeling. That is the feeling of the deep vital energy filling you up. To be more nerdy you can call it ‘biophotons’. It is what I am now starting to call ‘Party Therapy’ the joy of being with others yet staying connected to yourself.

I go on the news and sometimes it starts to feel like even young children have something more to offer to the conversation because they are still creative and outside per-established assumptions, while we adults are stuck in the box. The world is changing so fast with the internet, google and youtube, information and cutting edge info is available on anything and everything in a way that is quick and easy to understand and comes at our desire and request. It is a kind of party therapy as well. If you are not using it to replace social bonds that is as I did years ago. The internet fills our generation with so much info, if you know how to use it in the right way that is, non addictive, thinking for yourself, spending most of your time experiencing the real world, the internet can keep you informed about all kinds of things. The problem is now not that we don’t have new solutions, but that we society as a whole is so attached to the old way of doing things that it can be hard to notice new information is even there. And this is really not the fault of any one individual.

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Our eyes alone possess an incredible power to help others relax, feel safe; central in this naturally occurring light exchange between people. Yet it is not just about the eyes but also the heart. It is about what we feel when we gaze that makes the gaze more satisfying, and the revelation that we can influence and change how we feel, with thoughts, with belief, with our own free will, mostly we can change simply by noticing a feeling is there, just noticing we can change it we already start to change…. We allow ourselves to feel comfortable with ourselves and then with various types of eye contact. I allow my eyes to move around and go where they want to go. It is important to know that we can take pressure off needing words to substantiate ourselves. So many modern modes of relation focus largely on intellectual concepts and words. The truth is we can in fact look at someone, anyone, in their eyes, without words needing to be exchanged, and this is vital and healthy. People just like the sense that someone is paying attention to them, they feel heard, it feels good and natural. Biolight travels at the speed of light, though it takes the heart time to absorb it.  I believe it may also be able to effect people from long distances such as 100 feet. For example one can feel and benefit from the energy of an entire crowd. It may be more effective at closer distances. This may sound like turning love into science. Yet I believe that this awareness of our bodies may reduce suffering and enable us to thrive.

“Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

The Dalai Lama

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The heart plays a significant role in the body in addition to pumping blood. It is key in powering this energetic biolight system in the body. “The heart generates a powerful pressure wave that travels rapidly throughout the arteries much faster than the actual flow of blood.” (Rollin McCraty) “The magnetic component of the heart’s field, which is around 5000  times stronger than that produced by the brain, is not impeded by tissues (muscles, skin, organs) and can be measured several feet away from the body (with Superconducting Quantum Interference Device (SQUID) based magnetometers.)” (The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Interactions Within and Between People Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.)   In addition to the brain, the heart and the gut actually contain neurons. This heart intelligence informs the brain more then was previously understood. Our feelings or intuition are an evolved decision making system. When we learn to trust our feelings without fear they can guide us to what is needed both individually and collectively. Feelings of the heart can actually be felt physically by other people near us. If someone has an anxious heart it can actually be uncomfortable for a person ten feet away if they are also anxious or in energetic drain. If someone is feeling a natural or un-efforting satisfaction, this can be felt and is attractive to someone ten feet away and more, and is also healing to another with an energetically drained heart. The energetically satisfied heart is not only less effected by anxiety of others it is healing to them. Without a full heart the mind is more easily encumbered by fear and self doubt. Constantly thinking in search of complex solutions, but never satisfied.  Physical contact, a touch on the shoulder, hugging, is also an important way of generating energy and connection with people. A socially isolated person may feel threatened by touch. Prolonged social isolation, stillness, and time in dismal environment is actually draining to the human body. Experiments on monkeys showed that if you remove a monkey from it’s environment; if you take a monkey away from the other monkeys, but continue to feed it, it will actually die. It was said that monkeys who were given a soft object to hug survived the social isolation, but they were still considerably weaker then the monkeys who remained in their natural habitat.  Social isolation will make someone physically week, fragile. In light of this we should move in at a general and gradual rhythm, adjusting differently depending on the person. Being cautious with an isolated person so they feel safe.

We can also exchange biolight with animals. It is possible that a larger person may emit more then a smaller person, a young man may emit more than a baby. The fully mature heart emits more. A happy person will emit more then a small cat (of similar emotional state). But a cat may emit more then a depressed person. At the same time babies and children will emit a lot because they instinctively know to make eye contact and feel free to play; social insecurity in society has not yet set in. Children and young people will often emit a lot of biolight because their bodies are very healthy and they feel free to express play (thus releasing the stress in their cells). Knowing about biolight and play can restore youth to a degree. We can use this awareness to get more out of relationship, and be with people that help us feel good.

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I used to think that other people, girls I liked, peers I wanted to meet, ‘had the love,’ the ‘bright eyes’. We’ve all felt or seen it. I would sense it from people. All my life I was expecting the other person to ‘show the love’. I thought if someone didn’t that meant they didn’t like me. But now I see the ‘bright eyes’ more as a phenomena that arises between people. I was putting too much pressure on the other expecting it from them. It was never there’s to give. The ‘bright eyes’ is something that arises over time between two or more people.

I think trauma exists in the world on a bigger level then we even realize, and often we are compactly unaware of it. We tend to think ‘we’ have a problem, and everyone else has it ‘figured out’. That is in itself part of the ‘trauma prescriptive’. Part of that trauma perspective is not even knowing the trauma is effecting you. We feel disconnected. Like others are more outgoing and magnetic then we can ever hope to be. But when you heal that ‘feeling’, things start to shift. It is as simple as ‘enjoying the vibes’. but that can feel scary, you get used to failure, you start to expect failure, expect the hurt. But there might be a feeling inside you that tells you can get more connected, the ‘how’ isn’t totally obvious, but the feeling shows you how. and it is that feeling is like the ‘receptor’ that guides you to where the ‘vital energy’ is. the biophotons so to speak.

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‘Biophotons’ makes you think of little particles. But really it is like a river, flowing between people, and circulating through your own body. like a love loop. a feedback loop. it circulates and grows stronger with each circulation. Weather it is the relationship between your mind and your heart, or the relationship between you and others, let it be a loving one. When you love yourself, that is the starting place to open the energy to love others. Yet keep in mind that we are a community organism, and if you try to love yourself too much in the safety of your own isolation, you start to feel cut off. It is valuable to learn how to be around others, yet not feel the need to ‘conform’ to exactly what they are doing and saying and how they are doing and saying it. It is possible to be around others and enjoy their company, whiteout really conforming to a single thing, if you so desire, you have to go at your own pace and do what feels right for you, and at the end of the day, that’s what makes others happy to, if others feel that you are happy they will feel happy too.

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This social benefit is healing to us all. With time and practice, day after day it begins to feel more natural and instinctive to simply receive this ‘human light energy’ in the group. This is what I at first was calling the ‘love instinct’. To seek love attention and connection for the pure joy of it, for the good feeling it brings. Over time doing this the heart and mind actually self rewires so to speak, you thoughts and feelings become naturally reoriented towards seeking energy and joy and fulfillment from people and eye contact and things like laughter and the warm feelings this all brings. Feelings that become almost impossible to find when connection becomes replaced with material pleasures. Over just minutes and hours our heart and cells are charged with it. We become ‘fulfilled’ ‘uplifted’ ‘naturally high.’ (Naturally Social)

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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

Too often Pain & Sadness is mistaken for Anger & Disapproval

Sometimes we grow up feeling like we aren’t good enough. By default we expect to have to ‘earn’ others approval. That if we don’t ‘try’ or do anything impressive, our natural normal relaxed self will be disliked.

Another could be tired, exhausted, lonely, depressed, sad, about something that has nothing to do with us, yet in this ‘I’m not good enough state’, it becomes about us, we read our fears into their tiredness, we think they are tired with us, they are disapproving of us. However so often people are really just exhausted with things that have nothing to do with us, this person they just met, or a near aquenace, they aren’t really judging you very much at all, so when getting to know people, it’s really essential to see that their pain has nothing to do with us, it is not caused by something ‘we did’ just now, it has a deep history that has nothing to do with us. Then we can separate their pain from us. And people and strangers become much more approachable. When I come from a place of trust and self trust, instead of self doubt, then it becomes easier to see that this person is frequently not mad with me, that they are in fact actually sad or in pain about what can be a great many things starting before you arrived or years ago, you might just call it the inherent pain of life.

Not taking their pain personally, and not expecting them to be happy, seeing that it is ok to be drained or disgruntled actually allows the other person to feel safe, they can let down their guard, and don’t have to always ‘act happy’ they don’t have to worry about the stress of doing that. They don’t have to act happy purely to protect us from taking sadness or lameness personal, because they can see that we are accepting of all the moods. This humanness is actually a place for deeer connection than the forced happy. They see we had a hard day to and they feel our humanity. They feel closer to us, and may tell us something deep about their day they would not have said if they felt pressure to be upbeat or nice. Sometimes all the niceness becomes like a cover to protect from the fear of the silence between people, it creates pressure for everyone to act nice and upbeat yet then the sad emotions and personal human struggles never come out so we feel strangely distanced. The ‘nice guys finish last’ thing. The sadness or pain becomes a good thing, because we have accept it is there, is not about us, and it becomes something we can have compassion for, an opening to connect, a reason to just be together and listen, or lower standards and expectations. it takes off the stress of having to pretend everything is “great” all the time. We can worry less about offending each other and take more time just enjoying ourselves in each others company.

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“If we only mask the symptoms, we’ll have them for life.”

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Awakening the Innate Intelligence

Play is flowing with each enjoyment of life, then letting go of each joy and worry, to move on to the next positive playful focus. Finding that letting go into the flow of each cosmic event, actually strengthens our memory, our ability to recall that facts we need exactly when we need them with mere detail, more creative spin and new synaptic connections. Allowing some details to go forgotten, trusting our body is already doing all it needs to do to be all we need to be, this act of forgetting, letting go, actually strengths our ability to instantly & clearly recall the things that matter. By focusing on the fun more of the time, the ‘innate intelligence’ emerges on its own, it will be there, on it’s own. Because too often our society does not allow this ‘already present’ intelligence the time it needs to emerge and blossom on its own. Play is the fuel for the mind. Positive relaxing stimulating environment supports neuron generation. Play and relax at your own pace around others. Play and relaxing are both seen as leisure activities, as unproductive in our society, this is why we alloys feel so stiff and dry and lonely. Doing something simple like playing and relaxing around others actually takes a kind of activism, to stand up to the rules that don’t make sense, or at lest meet the needs of your heart, do what you want and need, what makes you feel right, even when others seem to constantly tell you not to.

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Love & Dating, how did this take so long to notice??

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I used to think smart words and big confidence could make you love me. Years of always trying.. yet never enough. It’s taken so long.. to realize a few simple, yet permanent changes. Now I see a different kind of ‘play flow’ in speech and connection. I enjoy myself, and often now it’s you who comes to me. You come to me without effort. I talk to you, without needing a reason. It’s almost annoying that it took this long to realize something so simple.

I always thought people were ‘getting’ relationships, now I think they were just semi-unintentionally attracting them, while being in a social field/ large friend network.

Simply looking at you, listening to you, was desirable for you. Somehow I assumed it wasn’t. Playfully pondering your words and emotional experience, even at the risk of a conversational pause, is a good thing. Just smiling at you without needing a reason/explanation. Or making up an explanation as an ‘act of play’ that may have not even been the reason why I was smiling.

Being with you, yet not being hyper-focused on you. Enjoying your presence yet relaxed enough to enjoy myself as well. Almost as I do when I’m alone. My natural enjoyment was reaching you on its own. It seems looking and gazing doesn’t require words. At times subtle energy could be more effective then the big. Words didn’t have to be clever to entertain you, but rather fun enjoyable for me; creating an atmosphere enjoyable for us both.

Enjoying and noticing random things around me, subtle sources of light and play feeding me. That speech or observations could be random or free form. I could connect, relate emotionally to your experiences and enjoy those thoughts, not only relate to you intellectually or creatively, but emotionally. That thinking less was better then over thinking. Speech came not solely as an informational exchange, but and act of play.

Attraction and love isn’t just ‘ethereal magic’. play and human presence builds real energy, heart field. actual photons, partial energy, is constantly bounding off us weather we want it or not. play and relaxed enjoyment release stress and sets that energy free. (power of play)

That basic questions or statements could sustain connection and go surprisingly far

“How are you?”
—This is what I did today.—
“Do you like traveling?”
“Do you have pets?”
“What did you do today?”
“What to you enjoy?”

… Knowing that I was worthy to ask. It gets easier with practice. Just ‘feeling’ that what i have to say matters. That i matter just as I am. That I am worth her time. I am worthy of her gaze.

Follower calm conversational statements like

“that reminds me of ______”

 

Just enjoying and free associating ideas. That a pause was not to be feared, but enjoyed. People simply enjoyed the act of sharing or being around someone. That rich connection blossomed from simple enjoyment, and returned to simple enjoyment, and blossomed again to rich connection. That anything could be more fun when there were two of us. So saying ‘this random thing is fun’ wasn’t a lie. That a seemingly insignificant thought or noticing became significant, merely by the act of saying it, sharing it with another person. That I was connected to you, even before the point of touching you. I didn’t need to hunt for the moment to hold your hand, or be in a hurry to kiss you too fast simply to ‘confirm’ that progress had been made. There was a much more important connection already happening if I simply learned to let it. You could want me on your own, without me having to make you. Then we could hold hands for the pure enjoyment without me needing that type of thing as a sign of ‘approval’ or admittance from you.

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“If we only mask the symptoms, we’ll have them for life.”

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Beings of Light

All forms and evolutions of life may be the expression of light trying to survive against decay. The light is the true self. The human, is a material thing that channels light to stay alive. Consuming other objects helps fuel the process of change. – Play – or having fun, is another way we repel decay, flowing with the process of change. As one thing decays or ‘is no longer fun’ we find something new that ‘is fun.’ Super Mario jumps from one block to the next as they fall from under his feet. Each block is a transient thing. The process of change itself is life. Light is the true eternal. The one thing we can receive that does not change. Love. Light is the expression of love in a material Universe.

Humans are like ‘fungus,’ strange beings that share light energy with each other to survive, in a world that decays. We are Gods sealed inside material things. The Sun, Trees, oxygen, water, provide the ecosystem that makes us, mammals, more dynamic life, possible. We walk, outside the primordial soup. Yet our material bodies belong to the Earth. It’s the circle of life; we live by relying on each other and our world. Inside a human are many strange bones and organs. We are material creatures that have evolved to survive chaos and decay, harnessing play, to our advantage, and light. Science describes entropy as the tendency of things to move towards increasing disorder. In a vast Universe, life is the exception. …Humans may have more potential for creativity then any creature before. A large body of light (a human) can repel decay, it acquires an ‘aura’. A depressed, socially isolated, or severely injured person has less ‘aura’ and becomes more vulnerable to all kinds of sensitivity and illness. Even this aura  doesn’t last forever.

Weather patterns, city buildings, bugs, animals, human beings, this is all the crazy journey of light to survive in the vacuum of space. Being inside the Universe means relinquishing your divine power to be ‘mortal.’ By flowing with the process of change or ‘play’ we reverse decay, for a time. We can thrive inside the material Universe. A being with the right awareness could enter the Universe and suffer much less then those before her. It’s a game, you can win you can lose. There are many ways to play. It’s not a fair game. “God does in fact play dice” to quote quantum physicists and contradict Einstein. Everyone is dealt random cards, that is how the game is played. Both order and chaos exist in this reality.

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“Biophotons, or ultraweak photon emissions of biological systems, are weak electromagnetic waves in the optical range of the spectrum (i.e. light). All living cells of plants, animals and human beings emit biophotons. A photon is a single particle of light but is too faint to be seen by the naked eye. However, biophotons have been detected and verified using photomultiplier tubes. While a few organisms, such as certain deep sea fish, emit quite considerable intensities (thus being easily visible), much lower levels of light, which can just be detected with photomultipliers, can be found in all kinds of other living beings.”

Einstein was fascinated by light. He proved that matter is governed by the speed of light. …Humans channel light, in particular through their eyes. The eyes literally may be the window to the soul. There may be a direct connection between the eyes and the heart. Light is both emitted and received by the eyes, absorbed into the heart itself – and all the bodies cells. Humans, and other animals, convert light into biolight, and share this light with each other in order to survive. We call this love. Living creatures change the organization (or coherence) of light particles, photons, to support living systems; turning them into biophotons, a type of light energy that is suited particularly to generating life.

Light perhaps in it’s nature is infinite, but space-time (the Universe fabric) defines, or breaks it up, it into finite (limited) particles; or quantums of light. Photons. This world contains both Heaven and Hell. Light is heaven. Space is Hell. You can come to the Universe and have an experience of both, or just one or the other. It’s not about how good you are, but how aware you are. Many never find the awareness they need through no fault of their own. God (infinity) has been chopped up into a ~ googolplex (very large number) of tiny pieces, like someones giant Lego set. Both beautiful and dangerous to play with souls in this way. Shame on you God.

Our world is like an Anti-Verse. Death is the anti-God that rules here. Perhaps the true center of Divine is outside. Life, trees, plants, animals, humans, light itself, all expressions of the divine bleeding through into our world. Stem cells. Sperm cells. Eggs. These are the ‘acrobatics’ light does to survive within the space-time vacuum. It is a vacuum  in the sense that all light has been sucked out save the stars, us, everything else, the byproduct of star energy.   In a metaphorical sense you could say this is the world of the undead. The living dead. The reason we don’t see it this way is because we need positive thinking even more to survive in this world. We are material things come to life. Animated skeletons with flesh. The millions of microorganisms crawling in my skin are the stamp of our origin, the mark of what we are. We are beautiful, yet we evolved from the bugs, the amebas, the primordial soup. This is the creepy anti-world. Here it is death, outer space, that has the final say. Against a crushing darkness, it is all the more important that we surround ourselves with the people and things we love. (Excerpt from In-verse Theory. This is a philosophical fun change of pace)

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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

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