We Conquered Love, it’s almost epic

I met this amazing girl recently. I remember thinking that she was the hottest girl in my town/community, and thinking there was no way she would be interested in me. My plan was to talk to her if she wanted it, but not to ‘over focus’ on her, not to make her my main focus or romantic priority. She was inviting right away and invited me to sit next to her at this meetup event. However stuff like this happens to me now and then and i tell myself not to get ‘too attached’ just because I ‘got lucky’ and a pretty girl asked me to sit next to her. I had little connects with her for the following months. But then recently she needed a place to stay and moved in with me in my house where we live with six other friends. From that point on i told myself still not to get ‘too excited’ but after just a few days, something changed, i became much closer to her. Turns out she has a boyfriend and the cynic in me says ‘of course all hot girls are already taken’. i’m kind of selfish at this point in my life, being 29 and single, and am still wanting to pursue her. But it’s only because i also sense she has interest in me. I’ve been trying to get a girlfriend since i was 13. That makes this a 16 year quest lol. I don’t’ like to talk about it that much but i am actually a virgin. I think there is no same in this. I was ready to start a ‘virgins anominous.’ I think there is too much of a ‘race for sex’ with men, and it really isn’t something we need to validate our male pride. For the last 5 our so years i have been more interested in a quest for love then a quest for sex.

I did my best to send her the right signals to this girl. Lets call her Revanna. it’s only now and then. I try not to overwhelm her or come off as needy. They way she looked at me, looked into my eyes, and things she said let me know she liked me. When that happened i tried to give back, to send her the right signal. I like to make it a bit humorous, so it is friendly and not scary, being too direct can be scary or even crude to people. She told me she was “recovering from drug addition” so i told her “funny, many of the girls i really like seem to be recovering drug addicts.” I think she liked that. The statement let her know that i ‘really liked her’ I opened that door. But because it was indirect, it just ‘lets her know’ without forcing her to respond to it. There is a place for being more direct but in this case it wasn’t until after we made love. She told me i was beautiful so at that point it was pretty easy for me to feel safe telling her i felt the same way. I told her she was hot, and she told me i was hot. I never experienced anything so complete. At another point she was telling me that her ex needed anime porn to get off. I ended up telling her something like “I actually watch that too lol. I watched regular porn too though. I guess i need both. I don’t actually like porn that much because it feels kind of aggressive, i don’t really like watching other people have sex, so i guess technically i watch ‘videos of women’ that may or may not be porn.” I told it as kind of a ‘funny story.’ I remember thinking ‘what the fuck kind of dating tactic is this, I am telling her about porn. it was ok because she brought up the subject and i could tell from her personalty that she was ‘cool’ talking about most anything. It felt important to bring the subject up at least once because, to respond to that opening she gave me to talk a few sentences on that topic, because it lets her know that i have those desires. she had told me about her sexual inclinations, her struggle to remain committed to a single person. It felt important that i open up too, otherwise she might actually think that i was too ‘proper’ to have sexual inclination, or some shit, she might just think i wasn’t interested. in the past i would say so little that girls would think i actually wasn’t interested. even when i definitely was. I try to say just enough for them to realize that i have these thoughts and feelings, for them or girls in general, without going overboard. I think because i opened up about these stuff, she felt comfortable to continue opening further to to me, asking to hold my had and ‘cuddle me’.  At one point i was walking around with her outside, and she asked to massage my hand. I tried to make it seem comfortable and natural, like it was ordinary or totally cool, I wanted her to get that i was ok with it, often guys might go overboard and say something too sexual at this point, or say nothing at all. It is actually very simple, almost too simple, but i found that perfect middle ground. I just waited a bit and let her massage my hand, she said “how does that feel?” i said something like “that feels nice.” The old me would have said “that feels fine.” And that would have made her think i didn’t like it. A lot of these things are like strange habits. I think that “fine” is some kind of safe word, because i’m afraid in the past of saying too much. but I knew this time that it was important to say “nice” or “good” and not just “fine”. I think i probably could have done a bit more, i tend to be overly cautious. She told me that she has liked me this entire time. I remember  many times being afraid just to say “hi” to her. I realize i could have been a lot more bold, just in terms of ordinary things like saying high. This girl is 25, she is close to my age. I’ve met some girls who were a bit younger and just not interested. Because of that and my past experiences i tend to assume any girl i like won’t be interested. but that isn’t true any more. In this case she was interested, and I could have been more active in approaching her or saying hi to her. I got lucky that she moved into my house, there are six of us living here as friends. And living together made us way closer.

After things went so well with Revanna I started to reevaluate a few past relationships. I can think of a time from last year where a girl was nice to me but i thought she wasn’t ‘really’ interested. but she said things like “when are we going to go on a date Zack?” the singles were mixed. i thought maybe it was some kind of a joke. but then she was more forward the more recent times i saw her saying things like “Zack is one of my favorite people” to one of my friends. and asking me to go on a walk with her. I remember a day a year ago when we had a chance to hang out but she didn’t talk to me, here head seemed somewhere else. But maybe she just thought i didn’t like here. I think she was ‘going through shit’ but that didn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe she liked me all along. Like with Revanna, i could have included her more. This Revanna girl is so attractive that even though i wasn’t ‘sure’ she wanted to talk, i would just see her and be like “hey!” i tried to make eye contact with her. I remember thinking she wasn’t that responsive. but i think i was being to self critical. Because the next time I saw her she was driving by and she gave me a big wave, then she responded to my friend request on face book. It was that ‘delayed reaction’ effect I referred to in my Naturally Social book at one point. i have so many versions of that book i’m not even sure it made it into the final ones. Sometimes when you give ‘the love’ to someone, i mean in an appropriate way, like saying ‘hello’ they might not ‘appear’ to give back at first. they make a mental note of it and then feel more inclined to ‘give back’ in the future, to say hello in the future. we get discouraged to easily. I’ve even noticed this in myself. once this hot girl was inclusive towards me, she asked me how i was doing. but i couldn’t think of anything interesting to say. it felt like i didn’t have a ‘good’ response to her that reflected her energy / the joy i felt. but then 30 minutes later i got another chance to talk to her. it ended up being a great conversation that when way past my expectations, it just started with me wanting to ‘give back’ a good vibe that she sent me.

I was hanging out with this Revanna girl one night. She told me she wanted to “cuddle me”. We went to her room. She told me to “just relax”. It was compassionate and not ‘annoyed’ or something. It was helpful that she said that. After like 15 or 20 minutes she asked if I wanted to have sex. Like an idiot I said “maybe”. I think i get so content just cuddling or being near a girl that i don’t even want any more. I am used to a very slow rate of escalation, like years or even decades lol. But I immediately remembered that one other time in my life i turned down sex with a beautiful girl. I had my reasons. I wanted a relationship with that girl and i was afraid she just wanted one time sex. But the opportunity never came again. It would have been worth it just for the experience. Life can be so chaotic and unpredictable. I knew that another chance might not come again for like another 2 years or something lol. So after a few seconds i was like “actually, lets have sex.” It was great to have her on top of me. I didn’t realize how much rigorous humping was involved. For 16 years, from when my quest for love stared at the age of 13, till now, i just couldn’t succeed with women. I began to feel hatred inside me. I wondered if women were more ‘evolved’ then men. If they had evolved beyond the need for love. They could focus on there higher passions for art and academic ambition. While men were controlled by base desires for the booty and other sexual inclinations. I told myself stores like this out of hatred, to try and explain things, to make sense of everything. I told myself that women were better and they didn’t need us. It was great to feel this girl humping me, because it made me feel that she was just like i was, that she had the same desires i did and that we could embrace them together. In this strange place where heaven and earth intertwine. We humans are almost like angels in the way we appear yet we have this animal side to us. Society keeps us so straight laced, we block out our desires to maintain a ‘polite’ and appropriate social facade. Some of us feel so timid about our desires that the other gender doesn’t fully realize that we are ‘into’ them. We don’t find creative ways to express our passion to each other.

This girl was kicked out of her place of work for flirting too much. She had to move away to be closer to her new job. I don’t dislike her for that. Many of the girls I like have been ‘flirtatious girls’, those girls tend to have a lot of vibrant energy, because they are always ‘playing the game’, I don’t hate them for that. Love is unpredictable and they survive by keeping there options open. I might do the same thing if i was hot to the extent that everyone wanted me they way it seems to be with this girl. I’m just happy that i was in her life. This is a really beautiful girl, so when she told me i was her “best physical encounter” that really blew my mind. Even though she had to move away only 2 weeks after moving into my house, moving was the last thing she wanted, and i still feel really connected to her, we talk a lot by phone and text. Neither of us have cars, but that doesn’t stop the connection. Apparently she broke up with her boyfriend. She told me many times that she wanted to break up with him for various reaction, like he was a few years younger then her, long distance, still in school, and way to eager to get married after only being together a few months. I was tempted to say, “i won’t do any of those things” because i won’t, but i thought it was better just to listen and help with her conflict. Even though i had an obvious interest in there bring a ‘particular outcome’ as to the ending of her relationship, I didn’t push for that at all, it wouldn’t benefit me to be pushy anyway, i just acted exactly as a fried would act to listen to her and to help her make the right decision for herself. And as a separate subject in separate moments i let her know that i liked her. She told me i had a beautiful mind body and soul. she told me i was hot. I told her she was hot. I told her I loved her, “but not in a possessive way” I added. I was afraid the world “love” might be scary because it implies a ‘strong attachment’. But she said it was sweet. I still find myself being careful not to come off as too attached. I haven’t even talked to her about the boyfriend subject in a while since she moved away 2 weeks ago, but i noticed her relationship status on Facebook vanished, and 3 days later i reappeared as “single”. I can still see him posting to her on face book. It sounds like she let him down easy. Just because she is single i’m not assuming she wants to be with me. Now there is a bit more of a distance between us. But i’m not assuming she doesn’t want to be with me either. I had a few friends tell me “they didn’t want me to get hurt” from me telling them the story. that feels way to negative. I mean, any time you open that door there is the possibility of getting hurt, intact it is almost gaurenttee, yet it is worth it all the same. I am used to hot girls being really complicated and hard to get with, compared to some of the stuff i have dealt with in the past, this girl is totally easy. Even tough our time together was short lived, I’ve never felt so validated, the relationship with her felt so complete. She said all kinds of things, that she liked my smile and thought it was so genuine. She even said she liked my pelvis or some shit lol. once she started saying stuff like that it became much easier to open up and feel safe saying the feelings i had to her. I always find myself holding back a bit, i like to play it cool, i don’t want to gush or dump all my feeling on her, maybe it’s just because i’ve been hurt so many times.

There was this great moment when she was standing on the other end of the living room taking a selfie, she looked damn fine, so i said as much. I was like “damn, who is the girl in that picture, she is so hot!!” the picture on the phone was just her reflection basically in the camera of course. When i said that she got this great smile then and ran over and sat next to me. then she took a picture of me. This was another way I let her know i think she is hot but did it in this humorous light hearted kind of way.

I had all kinds of deep conversations with her but most of this was after we already had sex. People say that i have great listening skills but they only come out when i’m around really hot women lol. I’m just glad to have these skills at all. They are really simple, but it took a long ass time to get it, to get how simple it really is. It’s really simple in the short term, being with people and listening to them, but in the long run, i end up soaking up quite a lot of information and i can rattle of the most relevant insight or piece of information for all kinds of situations. The old me would always try too hard in the moment then burn out after a few hours. What i am doing now, it is like a “stylistic application of nothing” compared to what i used to do. I am just enjoining myself. I try to always grow my connections with others. I joke around now and then. I don’t make constant jokes, i take breaks and try to wait for the right moment, but people say they like my humor. My jokes are always related to what is happening in the present moment.  I’m always commenting on some kind of funny situation. I feel connected to the people in my hows, i think Revanna sensed that. so there was already a foundation for us to connect, for her to get to know me even before we stared having long conversations. I like humor, I like to take a difficult situation and put a creative spin on it, make it lighthearted, I do it because it makes me feel good, I actually do it for myself but other people like it, i like it because they like it, and they like it because i like it. Most of the deep conversations i had with Revanna weren’t till after we had sex, but they were important for furthering the relationship. She was forced to leave too soon, but it is still my most successful romantic interaction.

I think a lot of guys like me are afraid of the ‘friend zone’ this idea that if you don’t get the relationship to ‘heat up’ fast enough you will get stuck being ‘just friends’ for ever. Even the word friend starts to take a negative connotation, like it becomes senomonious with ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worth of love’ / something more. At the same time i know that becoming someones friend means you can have them around for life where if you are only romantically involved and not really friends, once the relationship is over that’s it. I’ve seen people who were dating stay friends for years after they broke up and possibly forever. I’ve also herd stories about people who were friends for years and years and finely at a certain point realizing that they wanted something more, even that they were perfect for each other. I think there is something essential that makes that difference. For me it is ‘party therapy’, it is being connected to the energy, harnessing the ‘good vibes’ of people and having self kindness, self love, being connected to yourself, etc. I believe if one can do this you can ‘break out’ of the friend zone, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been in that zone with someone for one year or 15 years, if you tap into the natural effortless ‘good vibes’ they will -feel- attracted to you to the point that they can’t help but want to be with you. it goes beyond logic. the friend zone becomes kind of like the matrix, it is possible to glitch out of the matrix, to unplug, by harnessing the power good vibes, and learning to be a more chill confident person. I notice i still have this fear of getting stuck in a friend zone, but maybe it is something i need to get over.

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Fun Loving Community, & the ancient rut of anti-playfulness

We all need a fun loving community. It takes activism to make it happen, we have to actively fight for a shift in a world that is clinging to patterns and distant abstract rewards that don’t really ever give back. Societies structure has its slow personal rewards, yet just going along with it contributes to a greater loss of life, to illness and injustice unchecked by the unplayful stiff serious completive hierarchical system in place. I collect my pay at the end of the day, I put in effort and suffering and collect my small cookie, my small reward, yet these industries we work for happy ignore the suffering of the many for short term personal gain. It’s not even greed or evil, it’s just habit. Lazy unawareness. Fun sounds simple, yet their is so much counter-fun in our society, it helps no one, the habit is so think and ancient that it goes unquestioned; yet at the same time it wants to change, the heart naturally desires love & playfulness & the power of human equality, we all desire that community that puts love and fun first, it juts needs a little fun push from every person! A playful calm attitude around others. Making little playful changes at home. Requesting little playful changes at work. Talking leadership of events and outings. Every small step matters. Just brining a little more play into each day. Hanging around a little long at times when people have gathered, when people are ‘hanging out’.

So much of society is structured, yet we need that unstructured fun to take our well being to the next level. We always feel like we are longing for something more, yet the values our world promotes, keep us down, focused on our faults, endlessly self improving, it takes a total flip in our thinking to break free of it. To feel how much power we already have if we just enjoy ourselves a little more, inject a little play into each day. Free our creative impulse. Set up playful spaces and hold playful gatherings. To follow the fun wherever it wants to go. At first we are fighting against all kinds of restrictions. Play is unimportant, play is unproductive. Just relaxing and playing is not accomplishing anything. This relaxed cultivation of playful energy with others is hugely revitalizing yet it becomes all to rare in our lives. Yet the more we challenge these boundaries and say “hey we all enjoyed that outing, that event” more people find the time to make it happen. A single playful event gives us so much energy that 10 hours of work turns into 2 hours of work, and we find ourselves with more free time, we find we can make the time to have more events like these, that playful gatherings are worth setting aside time for. To get out of the mental strain of papers and desk jobs and endless grunt work, and into the physical revitalizing world and power of our bodies, the power of people at play!
 
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Meditative Letting go and Nihilism blurred

There’s a phenomena going around. I noticed with many meditators in various groups I’ve joined they began finding that by siting still for long periods.. and letting go of thought, over weeks and months they were actually starting to experience feelings of emptiness and detachment, rather then positive sensations of being connected to the universe. In class the Master assured us “Thats not it, meditation is all about feeling connected to the universe”, yet for some reason many students in the west weren’t experiencing that. Something was causing many of us to epxericen something different even while performing the same meditation. We were all doing standard meditation, notching fancy or esoteric specialized version. I had been preforming longer and longer meditations myself, I had been noting the same thing, and began noticing that others were having this experience too, though they too found it hard to talk about, because it seemed to fly in the face of everything we were practicing and being taught, and we didn’t have an alternative solution. “i just want to be sure that i’m doing it right” i remember one student saying. the master said “more meditation, trust the practice” but i reaciznied that like myself, this student was devoted and performing the right practice, yet he was falling into this same dilemma, the empty meditation. being devoted to your practice, yet coming out less satisfied inside of more.

“Negatives should be replaced with positives” yogi David told me (in essence) when i asked about this dilemma to the guru. that was a resaruign statement, yet i hadn’t actually heard much about this, and it seemed like more of the teachings reinforced a kind of letting go of all atachemtns. ‘service’ was the positive that was encouraged, so i detoed myself much to this in recent years. to try and rediscover that positive meditation expreice. i was around people more and finding ways to benefit them, i spent lots of time with deep listening and being present with people because i found that felt right and i let my feelings guide me. and then when i returned to meditations i did find some of the positive feeling had returned.

Yet after years of this there was a kind of dropping out in my energy. It wasn’t creating the same good feeling or energy benefit any more. It was at this time that i began noticing that environment really effects me, positive simulating environments with sunlight, verses blank walled in environments with drap colors, no simulation, nothing interesting or fun going on. (there i go using the word fun, i’m getting ahead of myself). This made me think a lot, these meditators who were having empty and neshilstic feelings during meditation, they were all from the city, the apartment style life. When the guru himself lived in japan, my other guru lived in (i can’t remember now) they whet back overseas to out door well lit environments that revoved around nature. We city meditators spent a lot of time indoors. I even began to wonder that the body itself preofmend a kind of photosynthesis, that our cells might in fact absorbs light, because i notice how much a sunlight out door environment could boost my energy during meditation vs mediating indoors facing the wall. Biophoton-4 copy.jpg

It was true all along, (we weren’t lying), we were all doing the right meditation practice, but the physical location of WHERE we did it, was aurally having a hug impact on our health and energetic wellbeing.

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I recall my master/guru saying “Even back in my home country, i go to ashram, and many meditators they have ego! they don’t realize it, but they develop ego!” i could picture what he was saying in my head, that stiff persona, but now looking back on this after being so far down that path myself i wonder that perhaps, all these meditators were actually ding the -right practice- yet it was actually CAUSING their bodies to become STIFF, deflated! I even remember this guru saying that he himself had days that were just sort of off and he didn’t know why, even after doing devoted meditation practice. I notice this, because i was already wounding if there was something significant that all of us were missing including the master. The master was having similar problems to all of us, yet because he was cultured in to be a master and loved by all of us as the master, it made it easier for him to see himself as the guru and play the role of the wise teacher in his life, and no disrespect to that.

And i haven’t even gotten into how i then disoverd that sitting still too long can be a problem, and that the body really needs a big dose of fun, dynamic creative movement and engagement, every day, to thrive. My sense of buddshim back then did not meet all the dynamic needs of my human body that i now understand better. Meditation was a tenie i tried, budissms was there for me at a time i needed something different, yet buddhists didn’t offer the detail on how to meet the more dynamic needs of my body, nor would i expect it to have had all the answers, yet it lead me forward to discovering something that did work more for me. So if your practicing buddhism, mediate out doors kids, or near windows, and i promote shorted meditations over then longer ones. 15 minutes is actually better then 3 hours in my opinion. Spend this rest of the time engaging in the world, or relaxing in other ways. The body needs to sprawl out, lay back, lean, bend. Were not built to hold one pose for too long. I learned this the hard way, don’t screw yourself like i did lol.

Also  i realized the meditation i had known empasiesed ‘letting go of thought’ ‘clear mind’, it encouraged silliness, yet i realized much of my life had already been shaped and molded by stillness, hours of sitting still in class, my dose of that was already over full. now I’m more about allowing whatever thought some to come, fun thoughts, i realize the mind and body is in consiousant motion, on a subtle level, it seems like something we don’t talk about, but their is a deep reason for that, it’s rare or impossible to have a moment when the mind is completely clear or blank, or the body is perfectly still. some meditation teachers implied it was possible or even the goal. yet while i love relaxation and inner peace, i now realize there is deep reason why the body so much of the time needs at least a little subtle motion, matter itself is always vibrating, and now i underhand our bodies need this motion too, always honoring this subtle vibration. I promote being comparable allowing your worries to fade that is a big one, finding joy in uncertainty, the in-between and unplanned moments. hoping for and drawing my attention to a ‘clear mind’ in a way drew, me into my ~mind~, now i focus my attention more on having a ~full heart~ and i find this results in peace of mind as well. much of my life was also conditioned to value the mind, long before i got into meditation, yet for so much of this time i never realized how central the heart is in just about everything, it really is the bodies powerhouse, now i find i almost always am taking care of it, consciously, or just out of habit. listening to meditation instructors now i realize many talk about ‘allowing whatever thoughts arise in your mind to arise without judgment of them, no need to control them’ so there is a lot of buddhism i still agree with, no one told me ‘stop your thoughts’ maybe it was sort of implied by some, i was sort of lead there by a series of vague instructions or well intended mistakes, because buddhism is incomplete, like anything, much is mysterious and unfinished, so here i merely provide my ‘addition’ to what is already there! and caution about certain pitfalls. i don’t blame my teachers or anyone at all, most people live 90 years or less, and that just isn’t enough time to know everything. most of us pick something and get attached emotionally, because we just don’t have time to figure it all out, it’s important to recognize that and realize even teachers that speak confidently or are highly regarded still have much they don’t know, but maybe you know that already 🙂

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My top 9 Weirdest Dreams

My 9 weirdest and most profound dreams.

I used to not dream very much, or remember my dreams, and when i did they were very boring, like literally repeating the most boring parts of the previous waking day lol. My dad complains of something similar.

Later I got into meditation, I began to look forward to my dreams as a place of insight and even fun. I also got into lucid dreaming, or realizing that I could have free choice and control in my dreams, which i disovered before realizing that was a thing. Anyway i’ve since lessened mediation somewhat and become more about ‘living as play’ but thats another topic. Now my dreams continue to be liberated and interesting, even more so then before. I just see the dream as a continuation of the play of my waking life. it doesn’t even need to have a message, dreams for me now are often just pure fun, I don’t need a message so often to ‘fix something’ in my life, yet if there is a message now and then to help me get around a problem in waking life that can be fun too. These are some of my most profound dreams from the last 5 years when my life got more interesting. (I apologize for typos, this is sort of stream of consciousness)

 

My Guru

I was at a spiritual event in real life, that night I dreamed I was at home or in a hotel, I looked into a mirror, only my reflection was my guru, a man i looked up too in real life, I said ‘is that you rinposhe’ but then the mirror went blank and i had no reflection. then i left my body some how.

… It was almost like the dream was telling me.. that I was my guru. that I could be anything I wanted. and that seemed to be the conclusion I ultimately reached. that i looked too much to teachations and other to tell me what to do in my life, and ultimately I was already realized, alreatred the guru, already inglighed, and when I thought I wasn’t, things just went down hill.

 

Stowe-away Cat

A small fat white cat is hiding unlearnteahd a floorboard soaking weed, then people coem in to try and ‘exterminate’ the cat, but my mom comes in pleeding and defending the cat.

Staragne because I felt I was the cat in the dream, yet I had been very buddhist at the time, and against all indulgence at the time, so it was strange to dream of myself as a weed smoking cat.

 

Gothic Girls’ Command

I was in a big wear house or a furniture store. I saw a blond girl dart gleefully away to my left, I couldn’t quite keep up with her, then to my right i saw a gothically dressed girl sitting on a box, black hair, black dress. she was interesting to me. she said “crawl under that floor boards” so i did. there was some crawl space. i would to whatever she needed. then i saw a spider, and she said “eat that bug”, so i did. it actually felt hard and painful somehow, it felt like a somewhat wrong choice to make. i woke up. 

…interesting I felt the gothic girl was attainable for me, so I did a few semi-extreme things to please her, yet thinking back the blone girls mind frame seemed much healthier, just pure frolicking glee wandering free… yet i felt she was out of my reach. so i settled for following orders from someone who was a bit crazy.. because i felt i couldn’t have the other. but maybe i could. …. so that was my analysis, if it makes sense. for the record i love gothic style, i think the dream was more a symbolic ‘dark girl,’ an idea of a girl or an idea of how to work for success that actually instead leads me to a more literal darkness .

 

Far Away Planet

All of humanity had moved to this other planet. I felt the vast nothingness of space around me, and it felt like this small planet, it’s gavity my fade away at any time, and i could fall out into the vast distance of space. Im afraid of heights.  And without gravity, up is down and down is up, it’s like i could be falling forever. it’s scary to feel like there is no ground anywhere. it felt like all the planets in space are crumbling and disappearing.

This one is fear of being alone, fear of outer space, and the reality of it. We people of earth are -really- surrounded by a huge vat of outer space, empty space that travels light years and light years away, and we are ~surprised~ when we feel afraid or lost!

 

Airplain

One of the weirdest and darkerst ones, this was one of my first big dreams but i save it till now because it’s a big one.

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I was watching a large airplane take off over dark and ominous skies. The takeoff seemed decent, yet soon it was clear that menacing dark mountains were below and the craft was flying low. The airplane swerved up & down, trying to stay in the air but nearly crashing into mountains multiple times. The airplane moved and curved almost like a snake or a spine. The plain was taking another dive, and had to fly underneath a suspension bridge, then immediately it pulled back up to dodge yet another mountain. For a moment I felt proud that the plain pulled this off. But then the plain immediately crashed into ANOTER even larger mountain. The plain was down, deviation… I found myself walking towards the plain to check out the wreckage. I entered the plain. There were bodies strewn all about, some even stuck to the sealing. It was a big double decker plain. I climbed up to the second floor. This is where it actually gets weird. …Strangely… this room was calm, nicely lit even. …8 men sat perfectly unharmed. They were all bald, identical looking, wearing star trek like uniforms. They all resembled Ken Wilber actually, the spiritual thinker. ..They were having a complex intellectual dialogue, oblivious of the dead below. ..There was also one old Russian woman there, she was operating a complex fortune telling device. They didn’t notice me, or seem indifferent to my presence. There dialogue was intense and brainy, the Russian woman sighed and had some counter advice for them, sort of like a loving argument… Then suddenly everyone vanished. The room was totally empty now, just me. Then the lights went out. My body went completely stiff, i couldn’t move. ..A dark shape appeared on the other side of the room. It looked almost human, or beast, but it was more like a shadow. I knew somehow, this was the thing that brought down the plain. The true reason for the crash. For some reason all I said to it was “are you coming?” Then I woke up.    .. In retrospect I believe that the shadow beast represented my physical body, it was a sign I was living in conflict with my own body.  the 8 men on the second floor represented my mind-mode way of living. sort of like ‘overthinking’ that may have brought down the plain, even after the plain crashed the men were still overthinking, they didn’t even notice anything bad happened. the one woman was my diminished feminine or creative energy, outnumbered by overthinking male voices. (For a while I even became fascinated with the beast, I noticed i could have these weird negative hallucinates while staring into the mirror without blinking, i would watch horror movies, and i could bring it back in my dreams…  but now i see the beast more as a stress manifestation, something i needed to let go of.) In truth it didn’t feel like there was a beast there, as soon as i addressed it in conversation, it seemed to disappear. like it had never even been there, after all it was a shadow, my own shadow.

 

Flying after the pointless conversation:

I’m talking to a shorth round woman, gazing into her eyes, she says “how are you”, i say “things haven’t been great lately, something is wrong, i don’t know what” i hold eye contact with her as she says “you should…” “you should” it seems she’s about to give me some kind of advice, but something isn’t right somehow, i’m not sure i buy it, i feel myself energetically pulling back, taking a breath, her eyes are glazing over, she seems a bit worried or she is becoming less interesting to me somehow. ‘you should….’ she continues, like the universe is glitching a bit. i realize i was happy just gazing at her, what ever she is about to say ‘you should…’ it isn’t right some how, i don’t even know why.. her voice fades into a whisper ‘you should…… take this pill.’ then she disappears.

It was like this falseness. Whoever she was going to say, it was just like selling me something i didn’t need. What I really need was just to gaze at her, just to feel like someone was listing, for two people to be there for each other. It didn’t need to be fixed with great advice, or a pill. what ever the advice was, it was essentially similar to handing me a pill to fix something that didn’t need fixing. gazing was the cure.

And suddenly the scene changed completly, i woke up in a hotel, i was somewhere on vacation with my family, london perhaps, i felt this amazing energy in my chest. it seemed like it’s own source of gravity. i realized had felt this before, as a child, and when traveling on great vactions. suddenly my body actually floated out of bed, i was flying, the energy in my chest lifted my body, like this was the most natural thing ever, then my body charged froward, flwying through the window and across the city. passing over beautiful city scapes. 

I call these streem dreams, where it’s like this role of beautify scenery just keeps automatically generating itself, i just keep walking or flying forward, and new senery keeps appearing, like a treadmill, the new scenery draws me fwoard and create a forward motion, that give my brain energy to generate more scenery, sort of like perpetual motion. the shift seemed to happen when i released i was content just gazing at her, and i didn’t have to do whatever she said i ‘should do’. gazing itself was the solution.

 

India Eyecontact

This dream actually really changed the way i looked at my life. I was on a trip in India when i had this dream. In the dream my co-workers were talking to this indian girl. i was watching them from a far on the second or third floor of a building. I was just gazing at the three of them, and suddenly my eyes met with the girls, she looked right at me, she lit up. An immeidalty, she actually climbed up the wall of the building, jumped in through the window and huged me. 

this dream had such a profound and strait forward message. all i did was make eye contact with her, and it was like she couldn’t wait to get to me. the next day i told my co-worker “i had this dream about eyecontat and it made me think” she said “do you think we aren’t making enough eyecontat with people?” i said rezliaing it sounded like an unintintal criticism “no, well, maybe -I- am not making enough eyecontat” i felt i needed to share the realization just to get somelses feed back, or just to help it stick in my mind. That day we were trying to win over a possible business associate, i remember i just made a lot of eyecontat with this new person, thinking she was attractive, she was telling us about a lot, talking fast, and there was a lot of it i didn’t understand, i remember thinking ‘is it even right to make so much eyecontt if i don’t understand a lot of what she is saying’ yet i had this strange feeling like making all this eyecoant i woudn’t normal make, was helping the exchange of energy, after the car ride and conversatoin with this person, my co-wokers talked a lot about how positive the exchange was and how happy they felt to work with this person. all i did was make eyecontat an think that this person was nice or attractive, yet i felt the uplift in my heart that it had made a difference and this was one of our better exchanges. after that i often had this feeling like i was ‘naked’, i used to rely on words so much, but now i realized so much energy could be transmitted just between the eyes of people, and i didn’t need words as often or as much. i didn’t have to stress over saying the right thing, and that made things much easier. and when i did speak, i could enjoy it more, it because more like art, and i liked the sound of each word in my moth, i felt more emotion behind it. i noticed i could say less then i used to, but it seemed to draw more people in, like art comedy or poetry.

 

Demon

…i’m looking in on a church from the third person. the pews (seats) are all full. only the person giving the sermon is not a person, it is very obviously and clearly a demon, large and round with huge spikes, he’s less the ‘creepy’ demon, and more the strong and powerful looking type. he is muscular. covered in dark scales. he seems evil, yet he seems ‘knowelgebul’ as he reads from a book, perhaps his power makes him seem safe for the people listening. But i don’t trust him. I am a silent onlooker in the dream, not aware of myself. but then one person stands up, interestingly he is not totally a person, he look like he’s half human half reptilian. perhaps to imply that he is ‘imperfect’, or has some demon in him too. he is also part human. he stands up suddenly and says “I reject your way of thinking” suddenly he is pulled to the back of the room, and hung on a crucifix. his arms stretched out.. you know the deal. the demon looked at him, i don’t think another word was even uttered. the demon just looked at him from across the length of the church, the demons mouth opened wide, it extended downwards in a way that seemed creepily longer then his jaw bones should reach, exposing a black pit, his throat. then the most creepy part of all, his long purple tongue extended out in an instant, reaching 50 yards the length of the church, and stabbed him right through the heart. i actually watched him writhe in angony, and then die.

believe it or not this isn’t nessarly how i feel about church, rather it is a metaphor for my life in genril, how it feels like i am sometimes in service to a demon or something evil because it is powerful, and obeying this darkness feels ‘safe’. yet i’ve never had a dream that caputred how i felt about it all so clearly. this feels like my whole life, so why have i never had this dream before? maybe because i wasn’t aware of what i was obeying. maybe i didn’t ~want~ to be aware of it. because that’s exactly what’s most sarry about the dream, is not the demon, but all the people in the seats, listening to what is clearly a demons sermon, yet they seem contented and not to notice. Something caused this one person/repile to stand up, what was it? is it a stretch to say that… maybe it was realizing that he was part reptile himself.. that librated him.

This dream is profound and i relate to it perhaps the most because there is both a profound realization of a hidden truth, followed by a dark extreme ending. It’s strange, i still feel the man was right to stand up for him self, even though it caused his death. this is actually rather christian in a way haha. the sacrifice.

 

Circle of knives

I’m in a park/valley with lots of fun young people around me, i see my college house mates, i walk over to talk to them, there is some kind of exchange, but it feels distanced, ultimately i walk back and don’t join them for a seat, which is what i wanted. later i’m sitting on a trampoline (like the one in my back yard) a few friends around me. i say “i wanted to connect with them, but i couldn’t get close for some reason”. one of the friends there is a girl, she looks slightly sickly, like she has been socially isolated, or puts work first all the time over friends, she said “i have a plan”. suddenly the scenery changed compleaty, i was walking, circling around a lake, i felt a knife at my back “ow!” this game isn’t fun. i speed up. a knife at my back again “ow!” but there was no way out. there were a few others with me, each had a kife, it was some strange dangerous game. who ever was too slow got cut. It felt physically painful, in a way that went beyond the dream. what i thought was someones logical plan, my plan, someones plan, to improve my life.. was now very clearly revealing itself to be a violent circle of knives.

What’s interesting is i’ve had this dream before recurring, yet it was only the kife part… i’ve never had the earlier part of that dream with the park and the trampoline. like a prequel dream. The earlier part seems to add some new insight on what caused the second part to happen. the socially isolated girl.. is part of myself, her “plan”, is the knife fight, madness, she is willing to fight to the death, to get what she is missing. because her isolation has made her mad. I think of her as the ‘sick girl’ or rather the ‘sick mind’. The circurule nature of the knife fight seems to point to that. the game is going no where, madness. …the only solution i can think of, is when i was on the trmpline, to simply not listen to the sick minded girl. similar to the woman in the ‘you should’ dream. the girl seems ‘knowledgeable’ because she makes up for her sadness by working hard all the time. yet underneath her knowledge is pure madness that can never be satisfied if it continues. reminds me of my school life. working on projects to impress people, but it was the long and wrong way to go about getting basic love and connection. i didn’t realize or feel that i was ‘good enough’ already. her plan to prove how good i was actually took me very far from what i wanted, even though it felt productive at the time, like i had solutions, like i had answers… yet almost anything else would have been better. less plotting and planning for future approval, more having fun and self love now.

Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If we only mask the symptoms, we’ll have them for life.”

 

 

The Difficult Journey: How to Stop Seeking Validation from Others

The Humbling River

validation

So… this one can be a doozy.  Most of us aren’t even aware of the ways in which we persistently seek validation from others.  How do you address a problem you aren’t even aware that you have?  With some simple questions, of course..

So, let’s start here — a simple yes or no will help you to determine if this is or has been a problem for you,

Do you find yourself regularly displaced outside of your own experience, wondering and guessing at what another person is thinking/feeling?

Do you stop before you even start on new endeavors or projects because you are anxious over how others will perceive them?

Are you always or often the first person to say, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” to those closest to you?

Do you only show certain aspects of your personality, such as favored interests or hobbies, to carefully selected people in your life?

After…

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Why Anime reveals our desire for Group Bonding

Often for many of us, our bodies are in what I would call a ‘low energy state’, perhaps we don’t know it, we just know ‘something is missing’. We struggle to find meaning. We long for deeper connection. Secretly wish for the recognition of pears. When this isn’t met we turn to a yearning to journey into a fantasy world. To meet “aliens. Time Travelers. and Ghost (Espers).” To quote a certain anime. Can’t this world get a little more interesting?

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It’s mid winter. Haruhi is only wearing a tea shirt. But she is not cold. Her body is generating a massive amount of energy. It seems like she has nearly three times more than the others in the group. On the other hand Kozimui (in the middle) is freezing.

Haruhi is not only not cold, but she is having fun. She races ahead. What is it about her life style that allows her to generate this kind of energy?

Sure anime is fiction, but you can tell the creators are often inspired by observations of real events and experiences, because at the end of the day audiences relate to the stuff that feels ‘real’. Pure fantasy is actually less exciting because we can’t relate to it.

What generates Haruhi’s energy, her mainframe? Her willingness to take charge, and gather people, without needing a good ‘reason’? The way she can act without having to think or prepare that much before hand. The way she doesn’t care what people think of her. Probably all of the above.

 

Goku fights many battles on his own, but he only becomes a Super Saiyan God after gathering power with his friends.

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In his battle Goku expresses sadness that he wasn’t able to “achieve this power on his own.” We see this theme of Pride play out many times in the anime series, Dragon Ball Z. By expressing this Goku lets his pride get in the way and his opponent Lord Bills gains the upper hand for a time. I relate to this in my own life, my greatest strength has come from gathering with others, but my pride gets in the way, I’ve found it hard to accept more of this power, even knowing how to get it, for the reason that it’s not ‘my’ power, it comes from the group, a shared power that goes beyond what I can do on my own.

Pride: I’ve got to do it on my own. I’ve got to suffer thought it. I am tough. I don’t need help from anyone. This will make me stronger.

Vageta puts a serious amount of effort into everything he does. He struggles, grunts, and strains. But because of his pride, he always falls behind Goku.  There is a kind of effortlessness to Goku’s power Vegata can’t seem to match no matter how hard he tries.

When Vageta abandons his pride and teams up with Goku, they attain incredible power. Power that goes even further beyond what Goku can attain alone.

“Because they were rivals, it actually makes their fusion more complete.” Old Kai, a wise elder, remarks.

 

I watched a lot of anime as a teen and young adult (as many do, anime is a surprising success even among adults, it is cathartic, we relate to it, it captures our emotions), something about it just captivated me like nothing else. My conscious life was very much about finding the ‘dream girl’.. but looking back what I didn’t realize was, much of the anime I watched was about a group of characters, coming together, bonding, laughing, going on adventures, all my favorite shows involved groups of characters, sometimes just goofing around, even though I consciously wanted the ‘dream girl’ I had a strong subconscious desire for group bonding, to be with a group of friends or peers. (Well the word subconscious makes it sound like some mysterious part of my brain ‘already knew’ it, and maybe it did, maybe I was afraid to admit what I needed and wanted, because it meant exploring new ways of spending my time, but it’s also true that I wanted and needed a new way of being with people, I needed it, even if I didn’t ‘know’ that i needed it, on any level of my mind.) This was definitely true for me, I can see now much successful anime has this theme, and I wonder that others are drawn to anime by this same desire to be part of a group, a club, etc, even if we often may not even be aware of this yearning, or that it is this that we are yearning for.

 

Sometime it feels like we are disconnected from our bodies, particularly in the modern technological era. It’s as though our body is some giant humanoid machine, like the ones from the despotic future anime Evangelion. We take orders, fight battles, we forget what we are even fighting for.

Sometimes for mysterious reasons our ‘sync ratio’ seems to be just right, “above 300” to quote Evangelion, and everything goes smoothly. Life just works. This amazing power comes out of seemingly nowhere. A body mind connection.

Other times we find ourselves hopelessly disconnected. The machine just won’t go. We don’t even know why.

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The body is the strange thing, almost like an ancient alien technology.

Atuska and Shinji fight in Sync and defeat the enemy. Representing when people are in sync in an act of play, we are connected, as though by a magnetic or energetic field. In Evangelion they call this the AT field. IT takes them training and practice to get there. At first their instinct is to compete and argue, and this makes things worse, they lose the battle, by working together as friends and equals they win the battle.

 

.hackroots is another fun sci-fi anime. In this anime Haseo and Ovan spend a lot of time in the virtual reality game, “the world.”

When he stops moving Haseo’s (on the right) natural posture is slightly hunched. He struggles to connect to others. His body is not receiving vital energy. He feels dissatisfied and searches for this satisfaction, moving from one thing to the next, and his own vital energy can’t keep up with him. He is in a state of perpetual depletion.

Ovan has a bit of a confident older brother persona. Esoteric and intellectual. Ovan has better posture, but this is maintained with subtle conscious effort. On the surface Ovan seems to have a natural strength, but in realty his vital energy is only a bit stronger than Haseo’s. By creating an appearance of strength Ovan attracts healthy relationships into his life and thus gains some actual strength. But he may not fully be in touch with his inner power either.

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Haseo will yearn for Ovan’s charisma. He may even mimic Ovan’s behavior. But he will only get mixed results. In realty even Ovan doesn’t know what he’s doing, he only seems to. This sets up a dangerous paradigm.

 

Kaname Chidori is a regular school girl with no military experience. However because she has a healthy life style, good friends, and is in touch with her instinctive body she is able to out wit and defeat a highly skilled combat specialist in their first encounter.

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Chidori’s instincts and fully functioning perception allow her to doge bullets on reflex. The specialist on the other hand has years of training, but her body simply can not keep up physically. Chidori herself cannot understand why she is winning. The combat specialist has training in the field, yet she is a victim of abuse and is completely out of touch with the basic instincts of her body. Again these are anime characters, yet i feel like i see this same type of thing in reality, as i watch the anime it reminds me of real life experiences and people.. and the anime makes it fun and easy to identify and remember these phenomena.

The anime refers to certain characters having ‘whispered’ powers. I can’t help but wonder if these powers are a metaphor for the abilities of the instinctive human body when uninhibited by depleted (or stressed) energy. Our human bodies grow old they die. Our organic minds are slow. We are susceptiable to illness and diease. We make silly blunders all the time.

 

We dream of an age where all this might be changed. Where humans are enhance. A merging of human and mechiene. Some dread it, others yearn for it.

An age of artifical bodies that live forever. Think faster. Feel better. And can communicate telepathically through the net.

The Ghost in the Shell. We feel our inner reality is often hard to express to others. So much remanes unexpressed though present day language. What if one day in the future we could share our deepest thoughts and expreces by synching our minds though some kind of cable or net singnal. Would it bring us closer. Would it bring us too close?

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Could this dream of connection be possible in our time. Does the body have some kind of hidden potential making these feats possible without technolgy?

We build our cities but we put the forest in danger. We advance technology, society, knowledge, but it seems at the cost and suppression of our own basic nature. We enrage the spirits within. We turn the forest into our enemy. Gods become demons that go on to harm us as much as we harm them. What is the simple yet power message of Princess Monoke?

Ashataka saves his village from a demon, yet instead of becoming a hero he is cursed where the demon touched him. He did the right thing, yet now he must bare this strange cruel sticky curse mark, possibly for all his life, and is outcast from his village. Already this movie is different and profound. It is a wound that refuses to heal, like some in my life. At first one doesn’t understand why.

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But then we learn to cope. We learn to use the curse to our advantage in the ways that we can. Ashitakas curse is a good metaphor for the weirdness and relentless itch of mircrospic decease, things that effect us on the cellular level, or even just fear and negative thoughts, all the little waves and energetic pulses that can compile and bring us down, or lift us up.

Society succeeds in conquering human nature in the part of the movie when Lady Eboshi kills the Forest Spirit. This moment in the movie is really profound for me, because Eboshi  actually kills a god of goodness and nature, thinks she’s accomplished something and it certinatly was hard to do, yet she doesn’t realize she’s actually killed the source of life she and her people depend on. In modern times we have conquered the earth with our current version of society, polluting it, yet our industrial and competitive based way of life does not harness the true power of nature and the human and animal community. We are getting in our own way by not trusting nature, and other people as equals, not trusting our own nature and the creative playful self. They could have easily said the forst spirit survives and get’s payback, but it doesn’t, much is not redeemed, and that is more true to what happens in our world.

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We long for a return to natural harmony.

 

 

If You Could Improve Your Life by Replacing One Word Would You?

Professional & Personal Development

should

I want to discuss a word that has been on my mind quite a bit lately. This word has plagued millions of people with guilt and shame and I believe that if we reduce the number of times we use this word I believe that all of us can reduce the level of guilt we have in our lives. This word my friends is the word ‘SHOULD’.

The most insidious fact about this word is that it affects millions of people without ever crossing the person’s lips. What do I mean by that? I am referring to our thoughts.

In cognitive psychology it is believed that our thoughts create our emotions and how we think about a situation will trigger an emotion.

Let’s take a look at how this word operates in our everyday thinking.

When you use the word ‘should’ in relation to yourself it can create a damper…

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The difference between letting go and running away

Self Empowerment

The one thing I learned in my turbulent life was to let go – of everything. I was moved between countries, between homes, between schools and every time all was lost; not only friends and places but also things. My magic boxes full of little insignificant treasures, my clothes, my toys. The first time I was displaced I also lost the person I loved the most, she who was peace and security to me, I never saw her again. I was just about to turn seven.

That was the first time I was displaced; I found myself in a new country without any of my belongings except a teddy-bear and a school-book. I struggled to understand, to fit in, to learn the language, to not be afraid. I locked myself in a shell and lived in a fantasy-world in my head. I was beaten, mocked and un-loved, waiting for the…

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Offer Your Calm

anewperspectiveperhaps

I like to think I have things under control. Most of my time is spent making sure everything is lined up perfectly in advance. The second something goes wrong(which seems like every other second) I panic. I never suffered from anxiety before but this year it introduced itself and moved into my home. Do I know worrying is a waste of time? Do I realize panicking will not change the situation? Of course I do. Maybe that is what is most frustrating of all.

One of those moments presented itself today that sent me straight into swearing and palpitations. It’s like being on speed and not being able to contain all the energy inside of me. Sometimes I wish I could burst just to let some pressure out. It sits on my chest and it’s heavy and I feel like it’s hard to breathe. But today, that’s exactly what I…

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