Chronic Pain and ‘Phantom’ Pain

I’ve dealt with chronic pain a lot in my life. Events that led to ongoing physical pain and or discomfort depending on the situation. I have fake teeth that cause me pain depending on the situation. I have chest pain. I also had five years of chronic irritation from a skin tare that nearly made me give up on life, but I was able to heal it by (essentially) going on adventures with people in the outdoors, in nature, going to places, concerts and festivals that specifically ‘spoke to me’ emotionally, events that ignited my passions. Believing that FUN was still possible in my life and that the pain would not be an obstacle. The pain convinced me that the life i wanted would no longer be possible. So i stopped really going for the things i wanted in life. and ironically that ended up giving more reality to the pain, making it hold me back a lot more then it actually needed to. I think everyone that has some kind of long term chronic pain has to face this conflict. Does my life still matter? Can i still do the things i want to do? Do i need to ‘abandon’ my dreams, or is part of that dream still possible?

It was difficult to move beyond that skin irritation thing, but i did, it began in high-school, but then in my mid twenties, I began having chest pain (related to Lyme’s Disease) and dental pain from an operation, both around a similar time. And this was intense, the chest pain was shot and intense, the dental pain was ongoing, effecting my conversations and passions. there was also a bout of chronic exhaustion. making it hard to work. it was a whole different kind of beast. and once again people told me it was “all in my mind”. i had celebrated the healing of my former chronic pain, i was ready to give speeches and like ted talks lol about the obstacles i had overcome, about the story of how i thought i would never live without pain again, but i had found a way to.. but this, this time i wasn’t sure i could heal what i was now facing.

I remember having dreams about the skin irritation pain where it used to be located in my body back around the high school days, dreams about being consumed by it, defeated by it until i felt hollow inside, as it had been back then. i didn’t understand the meaning of these dreams for years. that was something in the past, something i had overcome.

Over time i realized there were still similarities between the two or three different sources of chronic pain i encountered in my life. this new pain felt insurmountable, but i began to belie that maybe the dreams were telling me it was more related to the old pain then i thought, that i could heal it the way i healed the old pain, but it would mean a kind of deep ongoing acceptance, hitting the wall, and then just finally accepting the reality and not fighting it, as i had finally done before. i had grown attached to the idea that my life only had that one major obstacle to fight and overcome, and i was happy to have finally made peace with it, i didn’t feel there was room were these new sources of chronic pain… but when I applies the same method to it as i once had before, i realized there was hope for a similar kind of healing.

Something I’ve noticed many times over the years of my life… being a person who has survived Lyme’s Disease among other things, dealt with long term chronic pain:

Thinking itself can lead to pain in the body. If thoughts and worries surround the pain, this can have a way of ‘growing’ the pain to nearly unlimited degrees. It took me years to even notice this. It’s scary really. This doesn’t mean you are “imagining the pain” as many people have no doubt told you in our current society.


this satire cartoon by David Firth speaks to me on many levels.

“It’s all in your mind.” they will say. Or they will say it in a kinder way, yet ignore you all the same, parents, doctors, maybe even your friends. The solutions they offer will feel off topic, like they are subtly or overtly just telling you to get over it. That is belittling and minimizing way to say things… and yet it will be said to you a lot anyway. What did the doctor say “Everything’s fine?” “OK then, get over it.”

Pain is a battle the hardest battle. This doesn’t mean your mind has ‘unlimited’ potential to over come any obstacle if you just change your mentality. Yet you can’t simply win in life by ‘eliminating’ bad thoughts, that can be even worse, you just have to bring the focus to something positive. I have learned to be kind to myself, and it has helped to bring back part of the old me.

If you have experienced pain.. say you had some kind of life shattering injury. or maybe something truly strange and hard to understand, like skin taring in sensitive areas, some kind of food sensitivity that causes pain, anything really, has lead to on going physical discomfort in your life, and you start to feel afraid the pain will hold you back from doing the things that matter in you life, as i have, that fear of the pain, it’s an electro-chemical response, it can very easily go into your unconscious habit. but you can become conscious of it if you so desire, if you have reason to be. it is only natural and fully understandable to fear a life of pain. yet i have noticed that fear. It pumps through the body, you brain and nervous system is wired into the physical muscles in your body. If you fear having pain in a particular area of your body, your nervous system tells that area to ‘tense up’ it doesn’t matter where they area is. Inducing stress in that area, juts from the fear impulse in your heart being sent to your brain, being sent to the physical muscle through the nervous system. (there is some debate weather the fear pules originates in the mind or the heart, but that is not really essential right now.) I feel it as taking place in my heart, the physical organ, thinking all the ‘worry’ originated in my mind has often held me back, searching and seeing for errors in my ‘brain’ that were never actually really there. I find that any kind of choice one makes often originates as a pulse in the heart. The brain may automatically be involved in this process (like the way your heart automatically pumps blood), but for many of us, we humans will experience it taking place literally in the heart. And you can change the way your heart responds to thinks simply by noticing it. It doesn’t really require and words or directives from the mind or the brain. Just by noticing your heart, and what you are responding to in your physical environment, your heart starts to change the way it responses, the ‘instinct’.

There are many things that cause this kind of ongoing micro pain, that should be small, yet because it can last your entire life, it becomes very distracting, like really fucking distracting, and doctors don’t seem to understand it, so that just makes you look crazy. i have dealt with this multiple times in my life. people will often tell you it is “in you mind” and you can power through it. however that is a rather of ‘harsh’ interpretation of something, a kinder truth. kindness heals.

When infinite thinking
Can induce worrying
Can lead to infinite stress

Can actually induce sensations of real physical pain in any part of the body your attention is focused on

The only thing really left to trust is the feel in your heart.
Even logic and rationality just become a boundary to the flow of the energy vitality river of life.

Yet when the river takes over life heals over days months and years. it is easier to see that the things i thought were rational back then were the fears.


Often the mind has gotten in my way. I try to move forward in my life by experiencing a feeling that “everything is OK”. Experiencing the goodness of life is still here, It is something I do over days months and years. It isn’t really a choice I can make with my ‘brain’ or a ‘bit of information’ my mind can ‘know’. The flow of life’s energy is so experienced based. the body heals, on a cellular level, when we learn to stop controlling and knowing everything with the mind. It’s like stepping into a whole knew realty. old mental assumptions around the most basic things start to let go, we question what society and others have told us, even what our own feelings and senses previously told us about the world. we start to feel that a greater happiness is possible for us, even in spite of the pain.. it takes practice and habit, experiencing day after that things can change. I think many of us experience this struggling. Or society is very ‘knowledge’ based, reinforcing that we memorize and regurgitate logical factual study based information from an early age, knowledge based living is reinforced all the time. Many of us never learn how to really, experience life, through feelings and emotions, to be in nature, feel safe and relaxed around groups of people. we don’t learn how to awaken or more basic animal self. Ironically that raw animal self, that carnal emotion, loving self, is stronger and more attractive then the brainy part of ourselves that has all the answers, the statistics the facts. Society makes us focus on the words, yet people just want to feel happy at the end of the day. What is attractive to others is also that which is most heeling for ourselves. the feelings. getting into the hart, and remembering not to get too warped up in the mental projects, the mind analysis, during scary situations and circumstances.

Time has a way of changing things. Healing things. You can spend years with the awareness that you can’t heal… as i did. then i spend a few days trying to go for what i want anyway, and it feels like a conflict, there is some hint of progress, but then i start to doubt again weather really I can heal. that is where time comes in. I apply the believe that i can heal over time. It’s different from waiting to heal. yet it is natural. I’m not forcing myself to do anything. I’m just giving myself permission to enjoy life again, when the fear told me the pain was too much and i no longer could do that. Slowing bringing back the things I used to love and do.

The Energetic Heart & Body

Electric Heart, Magnetic Connections
and healing light.

Unknown to modern understanding, hidden to the five senses, the human body gives off a subtle healing energy. For many of us… we have always ‘felt it’, this ‘energy’ between people, this higher feeling, yet never truly understood ‘why’ and ‘how’. The energy of life can feel divine, like something not of this world, such ‘true love’, or just a feeling of being ‘connected’ to people, a feeling of being in your purpose, in a new place, around the community. What if that feeling wasn’t something so ‘ethereal.’ What if it was something more basic, like air and water, something you could have more often, or even all the time. We go about our lives chasing our ambitions, unaware of this energy source that is right there, available in communities, in festivals, at the park, in the mall, with your friends. It’s right there if we know where to look. This exchange of energy, it happens all the time when we’re are in close proximity of others, even when we are doing or saying very little at all. The ‘energy’ is subtle yet important. According to German scientists.. the human body emits small measurable intensities of light, known as biophotons, from the eyes and skin. (Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp.) (Herbert Schwabl, Herbert Klima. Spontaneous ultraweak photon emission from biological systems and the endogenous light field.)


This biolight, this ‘biophotonic field’ if you will, a kind of light energy that humans emit without even trying to, it is healing to ourselves and other people around us. Our bodies have a system for receiving biolight from each other, storing it in our cells and DNA. “Cellular damage can be virtually repaired, within hours, by faint beams of light.” (Popp) Biolight and other energies exchanged between people exist “just below our conscious perception.” (Rollin McCraty) We have this ‘bioluminescence’.


My own spiritual and social journey to become more connected to others lead me to realize that there was some kind of ‘energy’ or vitality that would just ‘appear’ over time when large groups of people had gathered. In particular when those people seemed relaxed and were having fun. After years of exploring this concept it began to occur to me that humans were constantly exchanging small amounts of energy, that this energy was light itself. It began as energy from the Sun. Only this was a kind of living light. This ‘group healing effect’ seemed to be a simple answer to many of my life long struggles. A simple answer that took years even decades you might say to even notice or attune to. It had very little to do with ‘social skills’ as I had always been told, and ironically had more to do with particle physics. The healing effects of the energy people emit, light. And to put it more simply, it was really about relaxing and enjoying the self in the company of others. Too long I had focused my social energies into impressing others and trying to calculate in my mind what would be the best thing to say. All that energy, my ‘light’ was being channeled into slightly misdirected intentions, put there not by my own mistakes, but rather by society itself. The advice and ‘common wisdom’ that was surrounding me. As it turned out connection and attraction had very little to do with what I ‘said’, it was all about energy, joy.

If someone is too focused on  achieving tangible goals or getting the approval of others they never notice and emotionally experience, really ‘feel’ their own inherent worth in relation to themselves and others. Though we can’t see biolight particles with our eyes, we can act with an awareness of these energies and arrange more opportunity to simply receive their benefit. Biolight is a type of resource that can only come from being with people. The amount of light is seemingly small but the effect is significant over time. We don’t have to make an effort to produce it, because it is already  being produced.


There is a kind of mirroring and or multiplying effect that happens between people and in groups. The energy keeps reflecting off and circulating between people over minutes and hours of relaxed playful interaction and even just physically being around groups of people, the energy increases and increases. This relaxing and enjoying of the company of others opens the flow for the energy, takes the mind off thoughts of fear, it heals the trauma that is caused by both isolation and dramatic events, often events and traumas we aren’t aware ever happened. The absence of the life force energy is in itself traumatic. And being around groups is a rapid way to feel that life force flooding back into your body. even if you have no trauma what so ever, doing this is fun and revitalizing to the fullest extent. We are inherently social creatures. You don’t have to ‘make yourself’ be social, that becomes like a misunderstanding about the body itself, when you make peace with the fears and worries inside you, and let go into the energy of the group, it just becomes enjoyable, the less you ‘make’ yourself do things, the more you become ‘naturally’ magnetic, ‘naturally’ attractive.


I was fascinated to learn, five years ago when I was 25, that the term ‘biophoton’ was out there and there was a lot of research already confirming my suspicions. At the same time I felt that the research was incomplete, all through the essential discovery is there (of the body utilizing light energy similar to the way plants do.) I saw little mentioning of the way the energy seems to vastly multiply in large groups of people, or around people who are relaxed and having fun, in parallel to each other, or in the process of relationship. And no mention of the way the energy seems essential to attraction, physical romantic and friendship, key to confidence, and they way it seems to heal many things such as ‘autism’ and any difficulties connecting with desired persons (other people).

I think the current research is great, but i would much like to further it by measuring the energy and noticing any changes that occur in large groups or in festival like atmospheres for example. I think it would be interesting two measure the changes of energy in individuals in many different setting, public settings like restaurants or cafes, or in the park, at parties, and at home, at work. and see the differences. I am not concerned that everyone adopt the term ‘biophoton’. I think the term ‘deep vital energy’ is a bit better for the layman to use, it doesn’t sound so nerdy or science, although it is a bit wordy. Other words have been used such as ‘orgone energy’. Terms like ‘chi or prana’ describe the same energy, however those terms can imply effort, lots of skill, martial arts training and awareness. The ‘deep vital energy’ requires little skill. Often unskilled people will happen to be in good positive community environments that can naturally and or accidentally provided them with all this ‘vital energy’ this ‘orgone energy’. It doesn’t have that much to do with training. However you can practice to be more aware of it, and to consciously put ourselves in locations where you will naturally receive it’s benefit. I feel that the research on bio-photons doesn’t express the incredible social physical and emotional benefits of the energy, and the way it multiplies in social settings, particular ones that are relaxed or have a fun atmosphere.

When you are in these healthy good energy ‘good vibe environments’ you won’t even have to try to receive the befit of the energy. It will happen naturally. Mostly you will just have to make sure not to worry too much, to ‘get out of your own way’ so to speak. And the energy will continue to feel good even after the ‘good time’ is over. You have been noticing this energy all your life, it isn’t really anything new, some people like me may even lust after it, or become deeply devoted to a spiritual practice to get more in touch with it. I don’t think it has to be such a battle any more. There are many people out there who have all the natural skills they need to succeed, like they aren’t even trying, success just comes to them.

Research from 2019 indicates that the light is actually carried by single celled organisms that travel through a system of ‘microtubules’ in your body, like a second circulatory system, that is much smaller. In a strange way the light field really reminds me of ‘the force’ from Star Wars. And the micro organisms that carry light in the body, they are much like the fictitious (and controversial) ‘Midichlorians’. Particles that carry the force. The microtubules are like a scientific explanation of the Buddhist concept of energy ‘meridians’ passes for energy in the body. This new research about biophotons and microtubules, what I was first referring to as ‘deep vital energy’, is the gateway to a totally new understanding of the body, and also key in how people connect socially. But modern science the way it is is may be likely to protest it for some time to come.


It is possible that many human struggles and perhaps even bigger struggles of the world could be explained by absences of this ‘bio-photon’ energy and or absence of understanding how the energy works, like blockages in the flow of light between people. While this energy is essentially the same as ‘chi’ or ‘prana’, yet the ‘deep vital energy’ as I sometimes call it, unlike those concepts, this energy can be spread out or distributed across society and communities essentially at random. If you look at the universe scientifically you will see that there is much about the distribution of matter and energy in the great void of it all that is truly random. You don’t really ‘earn it’ (the light, the love) or get it because you’re ‘worthy’ or ‘not worthy’. That’s why it’s important to know that you ‘are worthy’ even if the ‘light’ hasn’t reached you enough in your life, so to speak. That’s why we have to change our concepts of ‘I don’t deserve it’ ‘I’m not worthy’, you didn’t feel the love, so you build up this concept that you are not worthy, and you have to earn it, that’s a stigma society needs to get past. When you see how -random- it all truly is, you realize it’s not your fault you didn’t’ get the love. You deserve it, even more then the people who got it from the start. there isn’t any ‘flaw’ with your ‘character’. Often if anything the main flaw is thinking you have a flaw, like a ‘complex’.

stressmode copy.jpg

We often treat trauma like it is primary mental. but I find personally that it can be largely emotion more so then it is existing in the mind or brain. It can be very traumatic to feel ‘cut off’ from this life force energy. That feeling of being ‘cut off’ often stokes feeling of fear in the heart, it beings as fear singles in the heart more so often then it is rooted in specific mental complexities (in my opinion). Making trauma too ‘mental’ and ‘about the brain’ can actually further complicate it. Over the years I have learned to get more into my physical body, feel the emotions, feel the pulses and responses in the body. Getting out of the ‘words’ the thoughts, that stuff is secondary to emotions and feelings which move much faster.

Your feelings can make choices much faster then your mind can articulate those choices into the English language, or whatever is your first language. I find myself sometimes using language to communicate with myself, when really language is designed as a way to communicate to other people, your feelings are a language of their own. Feelings get scary, we get afraid to trust them. So we put words over top of them. Yet the feelings carry a lot more power then the words. A feeling says a lot. Feelings are magnetic. Electromagnetic. I think we undervalue feelings in modern society. “Feelings are chemical signals in the brain” you will hear. We are really ‘big’ about the mind. there are always new books coming out about the ‘mind’. it almost annoyes me now, because it makes the mind like this celebrity, and we tend to over look the power of something truly very simple like a -feeling- and the way that simple -feeling- can put us in touch with a vast river of energy between people, of raw charismatic power and intuitive instinctive connections to others, sometimes even at a great distance.


(ba = biophoton absorption)

Too often we get ‘cut off’ from the energy of people. Yet modern science isn’t really that aware of the energy, it is like a fringe science, or pseudoscience even, so the idea of being ‘cut off’ from the light energy of life, is not a situation that is taken with any serious gravity. however it is very serious. the light energy is a driving force of life itself. Without it, you will be disconnected, from people, from your(full)self. Society may label you ‘high functioning autistic’ or a number of other things, such as ‘depressed’. As though something has ‘gone wrong’ in your -brain-. And believing that is true ironically keeps you spinning in the mind, trying to puzzle out a problem that was never the to begin with.

When really what you are missing is time in your life to enjoy the vibes, and the emotional connection that you deserve it, you owe it to yourself to actually enjoy the company of others and not just compete to impress them. The forces that take your light away can be truly random, and that’s why you have to remember that you deserve the love. the light. You will be surrounded by people telling you you have a complicated problem of motivation or of mind, of physiology, but really the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to open they way for more light to enter your life, to get out there, soak up the vibes, and be kind to yourself instead of worrying what others will think. I spent all my life trying harder to be more successful, to self improve, it all turned out to be a spiral in the end. it turns out…. happiness is easy.

Once you identify what got in the way of giving yourself permission to be happy around people, you start to feel the stress in your body, and you start to let it go. Trauma is a bigger problem in society then we give it credit for. It is exacerbated by the fact that we aren’t that aware about the way energy flows between people and multiples in groups. We fight for scraps of joy here and there, when all you have to do is show up to a party or a festival, and you become like a sponge, soaking up the life force, the light, the ‘human field, the vibes, and that energy powers your deep body, you retain it, like this ‘after glow’, you can go home and wright novels, or enjoy a video game with this heightened sense of perception and emotion, appreciation for the little things, you are charged on life and don’t need the game to fill the void any more so you gain this whole new appreciation for the details, you don’t have to be glued to people, you can just enjoy life at your own pace. That energy is fuel for all kinds of things. Sometimes what we call ‘motivation’ to strive for greater heights is a mentality that makes life unnecessarily challenging. When you are used to doing things the hard way it almost seems too easy to just allow yourself to feel happy.

Some families and or groups have the ‘good vibes’ and produce lots of vibrant magnetic or attractive children, others are awkward and have ‘low energy’ emission. It is very random and chaotic, and it is not anyone’s fault. If a flower doesn’t get enough light, it is not the fault of the flower that it is not growing, and it’s also not the fault of the flowers near by, and no amount of shouting or telling the flower to “grow” can make it grow. It grows from sunlight soil and water, being in a nourishing environment. That means being somewhere where it can receive the ‘energy’ to become part of it’s flow. People grow like plants, yet we place judgment on ourselves and each other all the time for things that aren’t anyone’s fault. We need to take charge of our lives and seek out and create environments that make it easier to thrive, and break the patter of what all the old voices and old habits of conditioned society tell us we ‘should’ to. What all those voices tell us ‘is right’ and start listening to what ‘feels’ right. Listening more to that feeling. It isn’t obvious. And even just listening to the feeling doesn’t mean everything will go right. The first time i tried just trusting in the ‘feeling’ never even seemed to let me leave the house. I think I got more discouraged about trusting my ‘feelings’ after that. It didn’t seem to be the first time feelings had lead me astray. And yet all that goes back to the environment thing. once I got myself out of the house and into that environment where i could ‘grow’ like the flower. The energy started to flow. I went to meetups and concerts and places where people were having fun. That was how i taught myself to succeed society. And disconnected from the old advice the forced social skills and ‘be yourself’ stuff that wasn’t working. The ‘try harder’ thing that feels like motivation yet becomes endless and fruitless over months and years.

Much new information and research is already out there yet the struggle society now faces is the tendency to get stuck in a kind of ‘group think’ a classic psychology thing that is easy to overlook, the tendency to do what the group is doing, to do what others are doing just because others are doing it. Similar to having a kind of blind faith in ‘the experts’ and other authority figures just because they ‘should know’.

This research about the ‘light energy that travels between people’ opens up a new way to understand how we connect and what makes us feel fulfilled and happy. It comes from being with people yet it adds color and joy to all other aspects of our lives, our passions and joy.

The energy continues to last inside of us even after the social gathering is over. Not unlike charging a battery. In a way we are like organic batteries charging wirelessly when we hang together in groups. It sounds silly, yet looking at it this way has made things like socializing and going to parties immensely easier for me. Now I don’t even try. I just enjoy myself. It is something you have to get used to. But with practice it becomes very easy. You keep showing up and letting go of all the old assumptions that tell you you can’t. They come from the old ‘low energy’ conception of realty I used to be in. And now people want to talk to me. We are giving off the energy all the time, it is not a choice, just noticing it is there, now i can take more time to fully enjoy it. Unlike the force or something from DBZ the energy doesn’t give us super powers, however it does connect us more to people, and to me perhaps that is a superpower lol. You can mainly notice it with how you feel, such as ‘uplifted’. You have been noticing it all your life. I did. But I didn’t know that I could have more satisfaction more often. And it wasn’t about ‘working harder’ as I thought for so long. When I notice and feel the energy around people more I tend to seek out those places and environments that made me feel uplifted, the concerts or even just going to the park. I also began to change my perspective with home life, really accepting the goodness that was already there, taking more time to enjoy it. I found that enjoying what i already had, i was attracting more. Friends of friends would stop b, suddenly they saw me in a new way. It was about both acceptance, seeing the good in what already is, and being proactive about seeking those people and places that made me feel uplifted, fulfilled, that kind of healthy good feeling. That is the feeling of the deep vital energy filling you up. To be more nerdy you can call it ‘biophotons’. It is what I am now starting to call ‘Party Therapy’ the joy of being with others yet staying connected to yourself.

I go on the news and sometimes it starts to feel like even young children have something more to offer to the conversation because they are still creative and outside per-established assumptions, while we adults are stuck in the box. The world is changing so fast with the internet, google and youtube, information and cutting edge info is available on anything and everything in a way that is quick and easy to understand and comes at our desire and request. It is a kind of party therapy as well. If you are not using it to replace social bonds that is as I did years ago. The internet fills our generation with so much info, if you know how to use it in the right way that is, non addictive, thinking for yourself, spending most of your time experiencing the real world, the internet can keep you informed about all kinds of things. The problem is now not that we don’t have new solutions, but that we society as a whole is so attached to the old way of doing things that it can be hard to notice new information is even there. And this is really not the fault of any one individual.


Our eyes alone possess an incredible power to help others relax, feel safe; central in this naturally occurring light exchange between people. Yet it is not just about the eyes but also the heart. It is about what we feel when we gaze that makes the gaze more satisfying, and the revelation that we can influence and change how we feel, with thoughts, with belief, with our own free will, mostly we can change simply by noticing a feeling is there, just noticing we can change it we already start to change…. We allow ourselves to feel comfortable with ourselves and then with various types of eye contact. I allow my eyes to move around and go where they want to go. It is important to know that we can take pressure off needing words to substantiate ourselves. So many modern modes of relation focus largely on intellectual concepts and words. The truth is we can in fact look at someone, anyone, in their eyes, without words needing to be exchanged, and this is vital and healthy. People just like the sense that someone is paying attention to them, they feel heard, it feels good and natural. Biolight travels at the speed of light, though it takes the heart time to absorb it.  I believe it may also be able to effect people from long distances such as 100 feet. For example one can feel and benefit from the energy of an entire crowd. It may be more effective at closer distances. This may sound like turning love into science. Yet I believe that this awareness of our bodies may reduce suffering and enable us to thrive.

“Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

The Dalai Lama


The heart plays a significant role in the body in addition to pumping blood. It is key in powering this energetic biolight system in the body. “The heart generates a powerful pressure wave that travels rapidly throughout the arteries much faster than the actual flow of blood.” (Rollin McCraty) “The magnetic component of the heart’s field, which is around 5000  times stronger than that produced by the brain, is not impeded by tissues (muscles, skin, organs) and can be measured several feet away from the body (with Superconducting Quantum Interference Device (SQUID) based magnetometers.)” (The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Interactions Within and Between People Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.)   In addition to the brain, the heart and the gut actually contain neurons. This heart intelligence informs the brain more then was previously understood. Our feelings or intuition are an evolved decision making system. When we learn to trust our feelings without fear they can guide us to what is needed both individually and collectively. Feelings of the heart can actually be felt physically by other people near us. If someone has an anxious heart it can actually be uncomfortable for a person ten feet away if they are also anxious or in energetic drain. If someone is feeling a natural or un-efforting satisfaction, this can be felt and is attractive to someone ten feet away and more, and is also healing to another with an energetically drained heart. The energetically satisfied heart is not only less effected by anxiety of others it is healing to them. Without a full heart the mind is more easily encumbered by fear and self doubt. Constantly thinking in search of complex solutions, but never satisfied.  Physical contact, a touch on the shoulder, hugging, is also an important way of generating energy and connection with people. A socially isolated person may feel threatened by touch. Prolonged social isolation, stillness, and time in dismal environment is actually draining to the human body. Experiments on monkeys showed that if you remove a monkey from it’s environment; if you take a monkey away from the other monkeys, but continue to feed it, it will actually die. It was said that monkeys who were given a soft object to hug survived the social isolation, but they were still considerably weaker then the monkeys who remained in their natural habitat.  Social isolation will make someone physically week, fragile. In light of this we should move in at a general and gradual rhythm, adjusting differently depending on the person. Being cautious with an isolated person so they feel safe.

We can also exchange biolight with animals. It is possible that a larger person may emit more then a smaller person, a young man may emit more than a baby. The fully mature heart emits more. A happy person will emit more then a small cat (of similar emotional state). But a cat may emit more then a depressed person. At the same time babies and children will emit a lot because they instinctively know to make eye contact and feel free to play; social insecurity in society has not yet set in. Children and young people will often emit a lot of biolight because their bodies are very healthy and they feel free to express play (thus releasing the stress in their cells). Knowing about biolight and play can restore youth to a degree. We can use this awareness to get more out of relationship, and be with people that help us feel good.


I used to think that other people, girls I liked, peers I wanted to meet, ‘had the love,’ the ‘bright eyes’. We’ve all felt or seen it. I would sense it from people. All my life I was expecting the other person to ‘show the love’. I thought if someone didn’t that meant they didn’t like me. But now I see the ‘bright eyes’ more as a phenomena that arises between people. I was putting too much pressure on the other expecting it from them. It was never there’s to give. The ‘bright eyes’ is something that arises over time between two or more people.

I think trauma exists in the world on a bigger level then we even realize, and often we are compactly unaware of it. We tend to think ‘we’ have a problem, and everyone else has it ‘figured out’. That is in itself part of the ‘trauma prescriptive’. Part of that trauma perspective is not even knowing the trauma is effecting you. We feel disconnected. Like others are more outgoing and magnetic then we can ever hope to be. But when you heal that ‘feeling’, things start to shift. It is as simple as ‘enjoying the vibes’. but that can feel scary, you get used to failure, you start to expect failure, expect the hurt. But there might be a feeling inside you that tells you can get more connected, the ‘how’ isn’t totally obvious, but the feeling shows you how. and it is that feeling is like the ‘receptor’ that guides you to where the ‘vital energy’ is. the biophotons so to speak.

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‘Biophotons’ makes you think of little particles. But really it is like a river, flowing between people, and circulating through your own body. like a love loop. a feedback loop. it circulates and grows stronger with each circulation. Weather it is the relationship between your mind and your heart, or the relationship between you and others, let it be a loving one. When you love yourself, that is the starting place to open the energy to love others. Yet keep in mind that we are a community organism, and if you try to love yourself too much in the safety of your own isolation, you start to feel cut off. It is valuable to learn how to be around others, yet not feel the need to ‘conform’ to exactly what they are doing and saying and how they are doing and saying it. It is possible to be around others and enjoy their company, whiteout really conforming to a single thing, if you so desire, you have to go at your own pace and do what feels right for you, and at the end of the day, that’s what makes others happy to, if others feel that you are happy they will feel happy too.

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This social benefit is healing to us all. With time and practice, day after day it begins to feel more natural and instinctive to simply receive this ‘human light energy’ in the group. This is what I at first was calling the ‘love instinct’. To seek love attention and connection for the pure joy of it, for the good feeling it brings. Over time doing this the heart and mind actually self rewires so to speak, you thoughts and feelings become naturally reoriented towards seeking energy and joy and fulfillment from people and eye contact and things like laughter and the warm feelings this all brings. Feelings that become almost impossible to find when connection becomes replaced with material pleasures. Over just minutes and hours our heart and cells are charged with it. We become ‘fulfilled’ ‘uplifted’ ‘naturally high.’ (Naturally Social)

Star Wars Next Trilogy (Ideas)

I have emerged from my basement. I bringith forth treatments for the next few star wars movies set to come out in 2022.

Disney has agreed to purchase my treatments, but says they are under no obligation to use them or any of my ideas. however there is an implication that we are ‘friends’ and that by purchasing them that well you know we are “on good terms”, like “we cool” so they probably will use them, but later when they don’t I will feel betrayed.

Episode 10 — Star Waz — The Dorks Awaken

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Also known as — the Last Skywalker Awakens (working title)

also known as — the Last Gungan, Jar Jar Awakens

(JJ and I are talking about making the logo rainbow and to have a gay pride them with the whole movie.)


— filler episode —

I will buy time as much as possible. This episode is a “Story for another time” as (Maz Kanata would say.)  I’ve spoken to JJ and he admits we are a bit low on ideas but he thinks we can slide by on this one and play it safe rehashing some old themes. There will be puppets.

Lots of important action needs to happen. The next director can figure out the story details later in the next movie. That is for Ryan Jonson to do, the fans will like whatever he comes up with.

Episode 11 — The Rise of Jar Jar Binks


(Jar Jar, Rule of Two)

(Co directed by Zwackery Zweevel (my discrete pen name) and Ryan Johson)

At the start of the movie Snoke returns. He had many clone bodies, he was embarrassed about being palpatine’s puppet, that is why he was created (as was obvious all along if you were really paying attention) but over time he grew his own consciousness and personality that was apart from palpatine’s control.

Our heroes and other villain characters have gathered for a big showdown with Snoke.

“It was I who allowed Palpatine to be resurrected. It was I who ….” idk. Snoke


“I see all endings and possibilities!” Snokes voice booms. “I see the very thoughts in your mind! I cannot be betrayed!!” he is pretty epic.

Snoke address everyone in the room. People are afraid.

Snoke hears the thoughts of people in the room. They are wondering about his true identity. Many excited onlookers wonder who Snoke is. …Is he Mace Windo?? That seems most likely….

It is very annoying, Snoke is telepathic and hears all the thoughts.. It is annoying.
“I’m just Snoke!!” He booms.


“Not yet.” Mace Windu arrives.

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“A jedi can survive a fall from a great hight.” He says. He is horribly disfigured from his electrocution and fall and severed hand during revenge of the Sith. Windu’s face is covered in electrocution burns. (Lucus decided it was ok that Windu ‘may have survived’ so wala!) He draws his purple lightsabor.

Snoke hits him with a massive surge of force lighting … he goes flying out the window / windu, and meets the same fate.

Many people are shocked. Shocked because this debunks the Windu is Snoke theory many were sure about. But none are as Shocked as Windu!! (eletra shocked)

“Maybe he is Darth Plaguies!!” Someone shouts. “… Maybe he is King Joffrey” Another cries. Everyone is trying to guess at the true identity of Snoke.

“That’s it!! I’m just friggin Snoke!!!”


Then Jar Jar appears and stabs him.


Ohhh that hurts. Snoke is killed immediately.


Jar Jar takes the throne.

“Mesa been waiting a long time for this.”

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Rey Skywalker Palpatine confronts Jar Jar.

“Mesa smiling to see you!” Jar Jar says.

“I killed Sidious!” Rey shouts.

Jar Jar smirks. “Mesa CREATED Sidious!!” The big reveal we have all waited for. Expectations fully subverted.

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“So it was him all along… pulling the strings… it was Jar Jar” Rey Skywalker Palpatine says. The truth is finally understood. Leia and Kathleen Kennedy both understood the truth that all along Sidious had been pulling the strings, but now Rey understood the truth truth that all all along Jar Jar had been behind Sidious as well!

Jar Jar reveals that his true source of power is the “Toxic Fandom”


“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hatred of the Prequels. Leads to the dark side!” Jar Jar hisses.

When all the fans hate Jar Jar, Jar Jar — feeds — on their hate, growing stronger with the dark side. Aka the ‘Dork Side’.

(This may end up being a very ‘controversial’ movie. A truly brilliant masterwork that ‘subverts expectations’ to the fullest.)

Rey is afraid. Jar Jar is way too powerful!!


That is when Luke Skywalker’s force ghost appears to help Rey.

Rey tosses him a lightsaber.

Luke grabs it.


then he tosses it over his shoulder.

“Nahh!” is all he says.

….I think Luke has had enough with this whole thing. Then he just fades out.

Luke was kinda depressed because his favorite TV show “Holiday Special” (it centers around Wookies and Jawas I think) was canceled. So he had a crisis of faith, became a hermit. “It is time for the Jedi to end. I came her to die.” he says later in the movie. I suppose he is a ghost now anyway though…

Flashback to 10 years ago………

It turns out George Lucas wrote treatments for episodes 10 to 12 and they were actually quite detailed. True brilliant masterworks. Undiscovered, unnoticed.

Lucas was mad Disney rejected them. He put them in a clear plastic box and cast them into the river.

Things that should not have been forgotten were lost. Years later the most unlikely creature found them at the bottom of the river while he was diving… a Snoke.

Snoke opened the treatments… he read Lucas’s masterworks and saw they were truly brilliant, it brought Snoke to tears.


For years Snoke stayed in his cave pouring over Lucas glorious star wars treatments, they painted a picture of an alternate timeline where everything was just much more interesting, even though Snoke himself wasn’t even in this story, he loved them anyway. “My precious” he said.


That was when hard core lucas fans appeared and attacked Snoke and took the treatments.

This was the event that broke Snoke and turned him to the dark side.

“They took MY PRECIOUS!!!!!”



Now years later Jar Jar is a shadow over the galaxy. Rey follows the clues, the trail of  Lucas’s inigmatic lost Star Wars ‘Sequel Sequel’ treatments. Finally she finds them.

…The story must continue, and Lucas is all they have left now. Disney failed, and Darth Jar Jar just became even more powerful.

A group of hard core fans have Lucas’s treatments.

Rey has to convince them to hand them over.

“the cannon timeline is ruined” the fans insist  “the EU is all we have left now”

Rey tries to convince them there is still hope for the canon timeline, and that Georges treatments could save them all. But they will have to give her the treatments.

They insist they cannot, the treatments are too precious. “My precious” they say. They can risk giving them to anyone, they are kept in a vault.

“You must believe!” Rey says. “Dreams are built on hope.”

“We can’t. We just aren’t… that invested in your character. We don’t know your weaknesses, we don’t care about your backstory, what is your personality?” The toxic fandom fans say..

“This is my weakness.” Ray says “I don’t give a shit.”

Rey channels her full power to push the dorks aside and break in to the vault. The power of her long lost first ancestor she has been reincarnated from, Mary Rey Sue, the first Jedi, the first avatar, the last air bender….AND her immense power from her Palpatine bloodline. She breaks in and gets the treatments and force pushes all the nerds away. Truly insidious.

She takes the treatments to Jar Jar.

Jar Jar is full of rage, but when he reads over lucas’s treatments he burst into tears…

“That is all mesa wanted!!!” it turns out he isn’t even in the sequel sequel treatments (or the sequel treatments) but it doesn’t matter. Because george’s script is glorious.

That is when George Lucas appears,

…..his midichlorians… are amazing,

you can just see it in his hair.

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“Disney may have went too far in a few places.” Lucas grins.

Lucas will save this falling trilogy with a last minute script amendment.

“What a twist!” JJ Abrams remarks, full of excitement and he watches from the sidelines. “This part was even better in the episode 11 novelization!”


Jar Jar looks at the ground…. Mesa so filled with hate… but finally everything he wanted had come true…. He never actually thought this would come to pass.

“The truth is…. Mesa too filled with rage. Mesa never expected mesa dream to happen. Mesa can’t let go of the dark side!!!” Jar Jar continues attacking people. The hatred has gone on too long. Even this act of kindness can’t reverse all the hate that has happened. He is of the dark side now. Jar Jar is unhindged. He begins letting out goofy Jar Jar noises and shooting people dead at random with force lightning.

Lucas gaters teh force around him. He is powerful. “Jar Jar…. you were the key to all this!! You were supposed to be a funnier character than we’ve ever had….. Not leave star wars in darkness!!!!”

Then another person… a secret Jedi…. Steps out to protect jar jar.

It is Kathleen Kennedy.

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She ignites a blue light saber. It is luke’s original light saber. Only it isn’t. She just thinks it is because she wasn’t really paying attention. That is not that essential though anyway. That’s a story for another time.

Lucas “Kathleen… you were my friend.” Lucas speaks in that funny mubely way he does sometimes, which makes the moment a bit humorous when everything else about it is serious. “You were supposed to be my woman on the inside. You were supposed to filter my ideas into Disney. Not join them!! You were there specifically to keep my ideas in the game. Not leave them in darkness!!!”

“Um….” Kathleen says… she forgot her lies. She looks at JJ Abrams who stands off to the side.

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“Don’t look at me!” He laughs nervously.

“The force is female!!!!” Kathleen cries.

Kathleen and Lucas spar. It is intense and epic. Way more epic than anything we have seen thus far. Lucas has the unparalleled power of a glorious lone wolf director. Kathleen has the financial backing of the Disney corporation behind her. They were once friends… not bitter rivals. It is not a fun battle.

Lucas uses the force. Kathleen uses the force. Kathleen brings down a heavy metal beam to crush Lucas, Lucas grabs it with the force and pushes it aside. Kathleen looks pissed and a bit afraid or surprised.

The rivalry between Kathleen and Lucas is more bitter than between Lucas and Disney, because Kathleen was supposed to be Lucas’s friend, the betrayal is stronger. Lucas sold star wars to white slavers… but she was supposed to be his person on the inside. It turned out that both she and Bob Igar had been working for the Sith.

Lucas throws Kathleen Kennedy out the window. She is floating in space.

“It is done.” Lucas says “Kill the past. Let it die if you have to.” he ignites an extremely cumbersome additional two mini saber blades on the hilt of his saber (like Kylo Ren). “Owoch!!” it burns his hand and he drops it. “Damn this is impractical. Who would design a saber like this!!” It is frustrating, the star wars universe is not the way he left it.

The camera pans over to JJ Abrams.

Abrams avoids eye contact. “Real sets! Real puppets!!” He says.

Kathleen is floating in space. We zoom in on her freezing body. Kathleen unlocks the ‘Marry Poppins’ force ability and flies back in. She is a level 62 force user.

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They are fighting again.

“What do the sequels have. No new words, new stores, new technologies… nothing. Just copies of the originals. They are safe movies. Not good movies.” Lucas says.

“WE didn’t know what to do!! We created a movie FOR THE FANS!!” Katleen says “What do you expect of me George!” She is a wreck. She knows she is getting let go.

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“They wanted strong females. Strong females! This isn’t like harry potter!! We had no SOURCE MATERIAL! There are no comics. There are no star wars books!!”

“You have the expanded universe!!” Lucas says. “Hundreds of expanded universe novels.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS” Kathleen cries. “I don’t speak dork!!!!”

“We will see what the senate has to say about that!!” George says to Kathleen.

“I am the Senate!!!” Kathleen hisses.

“Not yet!!” Mace window says again. He is climbing back in through the window. (windu). He is even more disfigured then he was before. “A jedi can survive a fall from a great height.” He says again. Drawing his purple saber.


Kathleen hisses and hits mace with an intense blast of force lighting.


This time mace Windu uses ‘vapad’ his ‘force anger’ technique to absorb some of the lightning. Mace Windu has almost zero plot armor protecting him. He probably will die according to the direction of the script…… Mace has a 99.66% chance of going out that window again. … yet there is something cold and steely and epic about his gaze… it is chilling… his badass stare might just win the day.

Jar Jar attacks Windu from the other side. Windu whirls around. It is an epic dual.

Kathleen hits Windu with force lightning again. This time he is too preoccupied with Jar Jar. The lighting lifts him up into the air and sweeps him out the window (windu) again. He falls to his hypothetically implied death.

(He might survive though. A jedi can survive a fall from a great height.)

Katleen has occupied Lucas, Jar Jar is dangerous and free to kill….

Anikins force ghost appears to fight Jar Jar while Lucas fights Kathleen. Ankin the chosen one gets his redemption moment. George is writing the script now so we are allowed to have good scenes.


Jar Jar is taking damage now. He is at half power. He is down to only one Jar.

“Goodbye old friend.” Anakin says to Jar Jar. He is conflicted about this, Jar Jar is an old friend. It is bittersweet.

“Mesa smilin too–” jar Jar starts to say through tears…

Then Anakin chops off Jar Jars head in a vicious brutal manner.

“I killed them. I killed them all. They are like animals. So I slaughtered them like animals!” Anakin says.

“Take a seat young Skywalker” Mace Windus force ghost says.

Anakins ghost fades away.

“It’s over Kathleen. I have the high ground.” Lucas says.

“You underestimate women’s empowerment.” Kathleen hisses.

Kathleen spirals through the air in a Sith like motion.

Lucas cuts off all her limbs in a single motion.

“I Hate you!!!!!” Kathleen hisses.

“We may have gone too far in a few places.” Lucas says with some remorse as Kathleen catches fire, it is brutal.

“Well guys” Lucas addresses all the actors and writers and effects artists in the room. (dead Snoke and dead Jar Jar are still there too.) “Lets get cracking.” His use of langue is comically anticlimactic considering we are about to get a new Lucas made script for EPISODE 12.

“Not yet!” Bob Iger from Disney steps in.

“What is it Bob?” George says.

“You’ve had your chance. the fans weren’t happy whit the Prequels. JJ is still here. Disney wants to stick with him on the next trilogy… and maybe the Wiess brothers.”

JJ laughs nervously in the background.

“Not this old hubbub rubbish again.” George sighs. “JJ had his shot too.”

“A fair point. How about this. You have to write the epised with JJ’s help. But if you and JJ fight to the death, and you win, then you can write it without his supervision.

JJ laughs nervously again.

“Alrighty!!” Lucas says. He ignites his green saber.

JJ ignites a blue saber. then he drops it.

“Actually i don’t know how to use this.” He laughs.

Then an army of Snoke clones burst out of the back room.

“They are a hive mind.” JJ grins. “They all work for me!!!!”

Lucas has to fight all the Snoke clones at once.

“I’m getting ideas all ready!!” JJ says. “Lets call this star wars Episode 12, Attack of the Clones!!”

“Damn it JJ, that’s Episode II!” Lucas says.

“Attack of the Snoke Clones!!” JJ Says.

“This isn’t a Snoke!! Stop Snoking around” Lucas says.

“Be careful not to Snoke on your aspirations!” JJ says. Capturing Lucas in a force choke temporarily. JJ looks sadistic as he chokes Lucas. Lucas summons even more medichlorians and breaks free. His power is so immense. His hair is so amazing.

The Snoke clones all uses force lighting on Lucas. It is an electrical nightmare. Windu would not be pleased. But Lucas has an amazing Yoda like ability, he uses a green force energy to absorb all the lightning.

Lucas defeats all the clones.

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JJ laughs again, then in a loud rattling blast of chaotic noise and dark energy JJ transforms into the smoke monster from lost and flies away in a creepy snake like motion, slithering out the window (windu).

A polar bear watches in the distance. As if he is contemplating weather to come forward.

“Hello there” Lucas says.. “You there, you have something to say don’t you?”

The polar bear, cautiously comes forward…

“I know what is going on here.” He says. “It will all make sense in season 6. But you have to watch the next six seasons.” then he fades away.

Lucas feels really confused… and mostly lost. JJ is a master of suspense.

the polar bear fades back in for a moment. “By the way, i have a new gig on his Dark Materials. Great show. I highly recommend it.” then he fades away again.

“Well guys….” “it’s time to…” Lucas pauses… looking over his shoulder… he is starting to feel paranoid that someone else will interrupt him again… “lets get cracking!” There. He said it. No one interrupted.

“Not … ….. YET!”

Someone enters the room. (we are still in Snokes throne room… but it is also like a movie set kind of)

A big shadowy figure…

The figure… is a very large man… obese even … on an electric wheelchair.


It is Plinkett. The angry star wars Prequel critic.

…Behind him is an army of angry star wars fans… Lucas and Anakin defeated Jar Jar… and JJ.. but they were only manifestations … of the true crisis …… now Lucas will have to face the toxic fandom itself. the fandom menace…

“No one hates star wars more then star wars fans.” Yoda once said.

All of them, the fans, are protected by heavy layers of plot armor. The truth is… this is what George had been most afraid of . Plinkett totally destroyed and roasted his Star Wars Prequels in the Plinkett Critiques. George was hoping Plinkett would not show up here on this day. He was hoping that maybe the arthritis had gotten to him by now. But now… he’s still alive and kicking.

“What is a Pilnkeet?” A spectator in the background asks. Not everyone knows who Plinkett is, ti’s very confusing.

“A Plinkett is a tool you use to dismantle star wars movies.” anther replies.

“You destroyed our childhoods…!! Don’t think we can forgive you yet!” Plinkett says. “you ravaged our dreams. Now we will destroy you!”


He fires a rocket from a missile launcher that is part of the arm of his bulky black  wheelchair.

Using a technique taught to him by Kylo Ren… George Lucas uses the force to stop the rocket mid flight. He crushes it… rendering it inert.

Now Plankett is getting serious. For the first time ever…. Plinkett stands up… getting up off his wheelchair.. His legs are feebly and vaniey.. with arthritis… they almost don’t support his immense weight. He falls to one knee.. Several of his angry fan supporters help him back up to his feet.

Blankett firers a massive blast of force lighting at Lucas. there is so much hate in him.. and the fan around him …. the toxic fan base… make it ever stronger.. they are all wearing gray Sith robes and chanting.

“The Prequels are not bad movies!!” George Lucas says.

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“Nooooooooooo!!!!” Plinkeet screams. “I have not lived all this time through liver failure just to see another rendition of the Star Wars Prequels!!”


“The trade federation crisis on Naboo was a cool idea!” Lucas says.


Plinkeet can’t listen to this. he shrieks and covers his ears temporary stopping the force lighting. just hearing this like like having sand in his ears. it is course rough and irritating. just having someone say the Prequels are “good movies” is a cruse.. it spreads.. it gets everywhere. …..It is important to gather critical thinking fans together, to make sure that blasphemous talk like that is shut down.

“I was raised on star wars” PlinkeeEet fires back “Lucas.. are like my FATHER!!”

“Nooooooooo!!!” Lucas shouts. “Nooooooo!!!!” He shouts again.. This is the last thing he want to hear. He is just desperate for the chilling agony of this realization of him having any familial relation to Plinkett to stop.

PlinkeeEeeEet continues firing this river of force lighting at Lucas who is struggling to block it. There is so much hate… this is way stronger then the lighting from Kathleen or Snoke.

Lucas might be strong enough to be this… but the truth is .. his hope is fragile… part of him wonders if Plantlike is right… maybe I really did ravage their childhoods?  It plays on his self doubt. A fear he has always had… Lucas is backing down… he is being defeated.

Suddenly the force ghost of every Jedi significant to the plot appear around Lucas to help him. Ashoka, Anakin, Kit Fisto, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Obi Wan, Jabba the Huts tail Rat, Dexter Jetster, Watto… Also the ghost of Goku appears right next to Lucas, just behind him (like from the end of the kid Gohan vs Cell scene)

Plunkeete is really angry now. He keeps firing back more lighting… but Lucas is slowly walking forward.

“I am ALL the Sith!!!” The fat in his cheeks trembles with rage.

Plinkett is struggling…. over the years he has needed increasing amounts of Ada-van to numb the pain of his drinking and obesity. His cartoonification falls off. This is his true face behind the Sith mask.


….Earlier JJ dropped a blue light saber.

Lucas uses the force to draw it all the way from across the room. Now he holds 2 sabers. one green, one blue.

“And I am all the Jedi” Lucas says. with the exact speed and movement choreography as Rey in the Rise of Palpatine.. I mean Skywalker.

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it is such a cool line. it makes the seen so unique and unpredictable… It’s like poetry, it rhymes. Plinkett is blown up. Bam. he just bursts.

all the fans amscray.

Lucas falls to the floor… he is tired… so tired. That last battle was harder then the others… it took all the life out of him.

Kylo Ren climbs in through the windu (The mace window. the window has been named after mace now. in honor of his death. This movie will also have a long funeral seen to honor the death of Mace Window following this battle (if the battle does in fact have an end, we are still writing the script. Each movie of the new trilogy will be primarily dedicated to the death of a Jedi from the previous much older trilogies.).).. Kylo looks beat up … he must have fallen out earlier… he is dying, his value to the plot is dying I mean…. but he gives the last of his life force, his story significance… to save Lucas who is at risk of developing heart trouble after all this excitement. Kylo Ren gives his life force to Lucas.. kisses him unexpectedly without even a single date or romantic conversation… and then fades away.

Before proceeding with the main plot.. all the characters… friends .. aliens.. side characters.. protagonist. this new trilogy has 3 lead protagonist. the new Rey Fin and Poe.. but we haven’t even met them yet... (they will be played by Chloe Felicity and Dafne) we had too much unresolved ’emotional baggage’ and nostalgia value to take care of from the previous films.. the plot stops … we take a 5 minute break to morn the loss of Mace Windu at his funeral. everyone cries. A lead protagonist was so distracted by Mace’s death that he stops fighting and gets his head chopped off.. this was back an hour ago during the Snoke Clone wars. The funeral scene is longer in the extended version of the film.. we only get five minutes of it here.

Now Lucas has a world full of people who want to help him make the next episodes.

He hires a writer. The writer writes 50 pages based of Lucas’s ideas.

The writer has some depression… just a spell of writers block. He says “I can’t get the story to flow, it isn’t flowing.”

Lucas says. “Ok”

They give up.

(To be fair Lucas is a bit disheartened after all this time… I don’t know… maybe it had something to do with the “you r888888 our childhood” comment).



This is a “creepypasta”

In other words this is a horror story.


Lets call this story:

The Harpist


A few years ago I was at a time in my life when i was really motivated to get out there and meet women. I had been single a long time. I was practicing the skills, getting out there more then ever before. Getting back into the swing of things. One thing i was doing was improving my music.

I heard about this interesting music event from a friend of a friend. My mom attends lots of spiritual and new agey events and meets a lot of interesting people. This man David, also my dads name, he had created this great sounding improve event. I had met him and played music with him before at his place. Now i was on my way to this event.

Instantly I was happy, there were more then a few cute girls here. Lots of interesting people, creative types. Energetic. Motivated. Open minded. I was intimidated because i struggled to meet people. to really connect, partially with women.

I saw this one girl who stood out too me. She noticed me too. Something about her eyes, i could tell we were both in a similar place in life some how, both looking to meet someone, both felt we had been waiting too long. I was getting more perceptive. I wasn’t going to overlook any more opportunities like i had in the past. It was the way she looked directly into my eyes multiple times over the evening. the old me wound’s notice stuff like this…. because i just made the assumption it wasn’t even there as i went through life… but i could see it now... the reasons behind her smallest actions… that was the most likely explication. My friend had pointed out that girls were checking me out a few months ago one day… somehow i used to think girls didn’t do that… i just figured… they had better things to do somehow.. i was so fucking traumatized lol. and i was starting to come out of it… all that self doubt.. and see a reality that was so totally different then want i thought reality was… all this time… the thing i thought was ‘reality’…. that was the trauma.

There was a whole new reality out there… and I couldn’t understand it through words and blueprints and equations… i had to experience it… that was the only way. Back then this felt like the end… every realization felt like the final and most important realization… but really.. this was just the very beginning.

I made eye contact with the girl a few times and a felt her notice me, even though there wasn’t time to talk during the event. she had long brown hair… pretty. could be a solid match. who knows really.

The event took place at this big christian college a few states away from my home town. And there were different music improve groups in different classrooms. It was kind of like being in school except everything was a fun music jam session. I played the piano.

I am separated from the girl, but keeping my mind open I don’t get attached, if another girl comes along I won’t get stuck on the first one.

And that’s when I notice this other girl I had not seen her before in the original gathering in the main hall. This girl has long crimson hair. Reddish brown. This very pretty, princess like girl. A real life princess. Even prettier then the first girl. It was like I had forgotten what pretty was until I saw her. Her face is so defined, easy to remember and identify with, so angelic. She has kind of a slightly.. introverted look, maybe just introspective. For a while she almost reminds me of my old slightly autistic roommate from college, nerdy, but a really fun guy. A good friend. Maybe this makes me feel connected to her. Like I get something about her ‘inner workings’, who she is on the inside, just by this feeling I get from her, her posture and expressions.

She has a -slightly- withdrawn look, but is very pretty, and looks very motivated, like there is a big vision going on in her mind. I just sense it somehow. and then she pulls out the instruments. Over then next few days i see her playing many different instruments. She is talented, and really not shy at all, her way of playing is very passionate, almost aggressive, it make me fucking excited. At first i thought her main instrument was this unusual foreign stringed instrument she was playing. But then she shows up with this massive black beautiful harp. She is very good on the harp. She is carrying the massive glorious harp  around with her. She almost tips over as she is carrying it up the stairs. it is bigger then her. I offer to help, I am shy, that alone is big for me. She insists everything is OK. She doesn’t need help. There is something epic about her. The way she carries around that giant harp, not afraid to draw attention to herself. the way i thought she was a bit introspective, but has this very outgoing side to her that just pops out. it is great.

I start talking to her after the class ends, and it is insane, she is just talking to me, it is flowing non stop. no boundaries. no walls. no playing hard to get. i try not to get too excited. but it’s almost annoying, how great it is.. this is how it is supposed to be. between men and women. It makes me wonder.. why has it taken all this time for a girl like this to just have a regular conversation with me? This is the way life should be.

We’ve been talking a long time, and we realize we don’t even know each others names.

“Should we introduce ourselves?” She says.

“I’m Chrissy.” She says… she looks down and smiles, there is something bashful about her, i see the red in her cheeks. I’ve never seen a girl up close looking like that because of me. She is so pretty, this princess of a girl… she doesn’t have to be shy around me… but I like it… maybe I should be someone who makes even a girl like this feel a bit shy now and then. This is how people should react, it is ok to be nervous. Everyone always pretending to be so cool and put together. She is so earnest. It’s funny that her name is Chrissy, like Christine… like Christ. I wonder if the name Chrissy comes from Jesus Christ. Because she acts like a saint sometimes. It seems funny… the idea of finding a way to name a girl after Jesus… I can see parents of medieval times being like “hey… we are good Christians wanting to name our good christian daughter … what should be call her? Jesusseica? No. Why don’t we call her something like Christa… how about… Chrissy.” It’s funny also because she really could Jesus. I’ve met female Jesus. and i like it. I like the name. I like her i mean.

There is something so nice and motivated and helpful about her that it’s -almost- annoying, almost. Her personalty is flawless. Not annoying at all. Yet I say that I feel annoyed because I feel like she might notice that I’m not as ‘good’ as she is. I mean, how can I compete with that. This is what i am thinking at lunch. She takes me to the cafeteria, and it is all going so well, she is so helpful showing me around, almost too much of a ‘saint’ well this is a Cristian school, it’s hard to imagine myself being as friendly and helpful as her, but it’s nice all the same. The way she has me this cute guy to talk to, but she is purposefully engaging every other person at the table and showing genuine interest in their passions. She could just keep talking to me. But she makes sure everyone feels included. not just her girlfriends. she talks to every teen and adult and older person alike at the table, she wants to know about what makes all of them passionate in regards to music. she is genuine.

I had this great vibe with her that I felt. And something about her inspired me to rise up, to be an even better person, to say more kind things to others, to be more of a listener. she was so crazy good at it… but I wondered a bit if perhaps she was trying a bit too hard, to do the right thing, sometimes, to be a saint, to be a hero, like Jesus or something.

We continued talking for a while, we walked back down to the music hall which was empty now. Eventually we had to part ways, she wanted to take a shower break before the next events. She wrote down her phone number and her email on one of my business cards. I don’t have a business really, but i make cards because it just makes this part easier somehow. It makes me feel proud. I was so proud of it all I had to walk into the bathroom to just dance it out. dance out the good energy. it was mind-blowing. that girl was a fucking princess.

The next day was full of eventfulness, I didn’t get to talk to her much. I didn’t end up in any of the groups with her even. that’s ok, it went so well the first day.. i was starting to worry nothing could really top the way that day whet. this other very pretty dark haired girl stared talking to me… it was so strange, it felt like all the pretty girls in my life were missing, and now here i was having a problem of ‘too many’. it was hard… but i had to cut it off… I couldn’t give her too much mention because i didn’t want to send the wrong signal to Chrissy, that i was interested in all the girls and her specifically.

So much was great about this event… there was this other semi-cute shot blonde girl who was here with a boyfriend.. I made eye contact with her a bunch of times, just me learning to be more social. I didn’t want people here to see me as the ‘isolater’ any more. This girl was friendly to me too, invited me to join her group at lunch, in a friendly way. I knew it would be good to spread out and not fixate on Chrissy… cauz she was hella easy to fixate on. I was meeting people all over. They seemed excited by me. It was like just stepping into this different environment was a chance to start over. So much of social success is about ‘perception’. At school everyone had an image of me. I had learned to blend in… not attract too much attention.

When i was a kid i almost died of Lyme’s Disease… it made me kind of physically stiff and easily tired. Because of that they had put me in special education classes at school…. I wasn’t really even slow… I just got nervous and tense around people. I hated what i did to my social image. Hot girls literally thought i was retarded… like on of the special kids… it was hella embarrassing and unnecessary. Now there was none of that here. People as me as ordinary… even extraordinary. Which i was. Here… everything started over… I could have girls like Chrissy. It was unfamiliar to me… but all of it was about social conditioning… social image… now that i wasn’t ‘chillin with the retarded kids’… people saw that i was cool. I didn’t even have to try. It also made me more confident… to stand out.

I only saw Chrissy again to give her a quick hug good bye. We said we’d stay in touch. She said she loved NY and would like to come visit, she liked to hang in the city. i told her that would be great. I don’t really remember the exact words, but it sounded promising, very promising.

I was kind of in a love daze the next few days after returning home, my family thought i had lost my mind, they didn’t know what happened. “how can you be in love with someone you just met”
“I don’t know I just feel it” I said. to me, this was a fucking miracle.
I waited about a week, then I wrote Chrissy a casual email. “if you’d like to hang out in the city some time, let me know.” i wrote a few sentences, i don’t really remember

I didn’t hear back from her for a few weeks. I was a bit worried. because the vibe had been so amazing, i would just have pounced on it had it been me on the other end of that email, but maybe she is preoccupied somehow with life? I sent another message “Everything ok?” something a long the lines of that.

She wrote back to me the next day!

but when I saw the message, she sounded angry. “Why do you expect me to hang out with you so soon!? I am very busy. I have many concerts to attend. my month is filled with performances.” she sounded very frustrated and it was hard to find anything in the message that made me even think I should continue to try and speak to her.. or be her friend even at all. I hadn’t meant to imply any ‘expectations’. but the dating world was tricky. often a man had to ‘try’ to sound ‘confident’ and that could come off as ‘pushy’, but if you weren’t ‘confident’ you could just as easily be a ‘push over’, it felt hard to win, you fail either way for different reasons. it was frustrating… instead of sad… i actually felt a bit angry… she had done a 180 on me. if i knew she was going to do that… i could have talked to that first girl, or the dark hared one, gotten their number…… but the truth was…. i spoke to her… because i liked her more. so well. I liked this girl a lot. Maybe it made me sound a little ‘over eager’. but i had really calculated the waiting time to give her space. I hadn’t been pushy. Why had she reacted like that. I really knew so little. After all that great vibage, this was so anticlimactic. (a future me could have continued the interaction beyond this point…. but back then i just didn’t know that was still possible. I figured she just hated me now. Maybe she just felt guilty about not having more free time lol… it’s all disgustingly Ironic… maybe she felt guilty about not having more time… and me… who has such a hard time with women… just assumes… yes yet another woman who is not interested… i just started every interaction with the assumption that women didn’t feel strong desires about men, or at least about me.)

I just kind of gave up on her after that.

Three years later i went back to the same music event… a lot had changed in my life. I was not expecting to see Crissy there still… but there she was!… as youthful and lively as ever… like no time had passed.

“Zack!! It’s good to see you.” She said looking into my eyes warmly.
“You remember who i am?” I said, not totally expecting that she would.
“Yeah, I do.” She smiled. She looks enthusiastic… but part of me wondered that this was just general friendliness. I want to believe I made a specific impression on her and that is why she is excited… but the flip side to her being so unconditionally compassionate.. is that it is hard to tell if she is excited about you specifically.. or if she just treats everyone like that. This isn’t even the first time I’ve pursued this type of girl.

A few hours later I am on the upper floor of the school building and i noticed a poster on the wall beam between the two bathrooms… to my mild surprise i realized it was actually a freekin news article about Chrissy… It had a big picture of her with a bunch of African kids.. it looked like she was helping impoverished and or staving children in Africa… saving the world… it seemed like something she would do. She’s like frigging famous here. I was proud for her.. and a little intimidated yet again, to say the least.

Back then I had become increasingly intense about ‘Buddhism’ and ‘meditation’ I was furious about not having a GF and spent more and more time doing hard core work outs, martial arts, I even had a dating coach, I was always learning and improving, but it wasn’t always fun. I noticed some progress. but i don’t think people around me always even realized how driven I was. it felt like it was killing me… but I couldn’t stop. at one point i did a 5 hour mediation.

You won’t believe me… but I increased it to 10 hours, i did that more then once. soon meditation was all I did. I did all kinds of intense things… to become better.. stronger.. more ‘enlightened’ did it work? We will find out.

When I went to this music event… now it was little more then an ‘indulgence’ to me, but upon arrival… i began to remember the old me… before all the discipline and hard core workouts… the endless striving to be better. I noticed I was having chest pain, like my heart was burning… it didn’t feel natural. yet I was way more social then i had been three years ago… but it was like my body kept telling me i was pushing too hard.. that i should stop trying to be an extrovert all the time if I’m really more of a solo guy. but i didn’t even remember how to stop. i couldn’t let go of the ‘new me’ even when my body told me something was getting bad. like being on the cusp of collapse. it felt like i couldn’t win either way. keep pushing myself into oblivion…. or go back to being a reclusive loner.

All this uneasiness inside me… We were getting towards the end of the event and i still hadn’t spoken to Chrissy… like I was almost avoiding her… i didn’t feel that hopeful around… she was a good hearted girl… she was just ‘nice’ to everyone. That’s all that was left of something that almost became much more… just her being ‘nice’ to me out of the charity of her heart. I didn’t want it. I saw her… radiant, out going. as successful as ever. I felt over the years my creative ambitions had diminished somewhat. but i could tell she was still on fire… busting out the strange instruments… stroking cords, plucking the strings with gentile emotion… to the fullest of her hearts passion. racing over to different people in different corners of the room just to say something compassionate and wise she noticed about them. she was heroic. just as much so as ever. I was loosing faith in the world.. in-spite of how determined i had become recently. I stared talking to some other people in a group near by her.. it was kind of like i was ‘warming’ up. I had been talking to a lot of people this time…. much more talkative then I had been last time… yet still i felt afraid to talk to her. Like i was waiting for something in my heart to tell me it was ok…. then finally it hit me… the moment was never going to come… i had to make a choice to talk to her… I had been avoiding the choice…. the uncertainty in my heart… i couldn’t shake it… I didn’t understand it. But i had to try anyway… I was running out of time.

i finally made an effort to talk to Chrissy again.. I wanted her to see the new me… how much more ‘natural’ I was now. not the forced confidence of the Zack she met 3 years ago… or the lonely quiet Zack I was even before that. I was so much more alive now…. I understood the strangeness of it all… the insecurities and traumas that are secretly driving the world, the trauma society misidentifies as ‘signs of successes’… this relentless compulsion to do things, produce things, fix things… and the secrete anxiety that is driving it all. i saw it everywhere, .. the anxiety that drove people… at started as energy even before it was turned into words… the verbal level… and I knew how to not get sucked it to it… how to not get convinced the anxiety mode of living was what i ‘should’ be doing.


I had come so far and learned things i never even imagined were possible about the world, about the true driving forces of people and society, the hidden traumas ….yet some kind of confusion still clouded me… emotionally. Like i was struggling to ‘feel’ it… like some mysterious force was draining my energy, my emotions… There was some kind of paradox a the heart of it all I still had been unable to see beyond… I could feel it was clouding my ability to be truly close to people… to -feel- the emotions… and the emotions were so important. that ‘magnetic’ vibe with people… that is what she had, what she had always been a master of.

The thing is… I had become such a ‘devout Buddhist’ that i fully question my desire to talk to her at all. it was all just ‘desire’. it wasn’t part of my practice. it wasn’t there to lead me to awakening. awakening was being in a life of service, of discipline and focus and letting go of everything impure. I had spent the last 2 years seeking to be without desire. yet something told me …. something in me wondered … that I was still making the same mistake. Avoiding what I really wanted and needed. I felt in my heart. that I was still meant to speak to Chrissy. That I needed to do this for myself.

I listened to my emotion… the part of me that ‘wanted’ to talk to her. not the part of me that knew what was ‘right’ the right action for someone truly devoted to spiritual to take. instead i just listened to that feeling, that wanted to talk to the sexy babe in the room.

And when i went up to her… full of that feeling. She was like “hey!” i felt like the emotion in her heart… it called out to me. it was nice. i felt her girlyness… her youthful exuberance in a way i had not felt before. the old me had always been so focused on the words… there were still levels of interaction i had not yet felt before.

I remarked how i had seen that poster of her on the wall, “you’re out there, doing great things. your serious.” i laugh. I could have chosen to be intimidated by it, instead i find a way to say it is cool, in a way that is lighthearted, playful.

She sighed. “yeah… trying to be a hero all the time… that’s me… kind of i went in too far in it all… you get lost in it.. the dark place. you try to do the right thing all the time.. yet you get kind of ‘sucked’ up in it in a strange way.”

Somehow I knew exactly what she was talking about. i felt like life had changed us in strangely similar ways in the last few years.

There was this other girl there she had been talking to.. all this girl could seem to respond with to anything anyone said was “that’s cool.” her eyes were kind of glazed over and her voice would trail off a little… like she wasn’t truly following anything anyone was saying, even though she was trying to… she heard the words… but not the feelings and the subtext behind theme… It reminded me of the way i could be sometimes years ago. I on the other hand… was really on a role for some reason.. I kept cracking jokes, but also just feeling confident and connecting, i wasn’t ‘over talking’ either… I was listening a lot to other people, but also making insights now and then that really felt valuable.

I realized that if “that’s cool” girl is cool enough to talk to Chrissy. then i am for sure. i didn’t have to be intimidated. i had changed so much in the last year or two alone. it was like i could see the details on peoples faces, their insecurities, and the reasons why those insecurities were there, things i had never seen before… once i came to see my own trauma, it just vanished, and now i could see trauma everywhere, effecting everyone… the insecurity, the insignificance complex, that prevented the flow of energy, of life force. i was connected to the life force, and i was earning it the way ‘forced confidence’ Zack was, with great jokes, and constant interesting dialogue, i was just calm and happy, and she felt it. I told her about my meditations, and how you could actually go ‘too far’ into spiritually. she agreed. i told her how i was being “in the now, like Eckhart Tolle” but i had gone too far with it some how.. like there was a missing piece Eckhart had never taped into to,… Eckhart is in the moment, but he isn’t funny, he isn’t the life if the party, he is just ‘present’ ‘spiritual’ ‘glow’ ‘genuine’ but their is something people like Dave Chapel have, that is acutely a higher quality that even Eckhart doesn’t have. You might call this the Eckhart / Chapel Paradox, as enlarged as Eckhart was, he wasn’t the life of the party like Chapel. As enlightened as i became, putting in the hours, i found myself actually becoming less like what i wanted to be. She mentioned she had red Eckhart. Enthusiastically she invited me to one of her concerts. Great.

It was funny to think that you could be enlightened… like Eckart… yet still not be as funny… or as cool. as Dave Chapel. it was a hilarious comparison. yet it was true. It seem to get to the heart of something that i had been confronting a long time now. I start to wonder of there is something ‘artificial’ about my efforts to strive towards higher conciseness.. enlightenment… it’s funny… I lived a purer and truer more devoted life then i ever had before these last 2 years… and socially, I’m better then ever before… yet there is this physical tension inside me… like my feelings… some part of me isn’t truly ‘in it.’ I am more social and present then i have ever been… like Ekhart… i am fully present in every moment.. to an insane degree. yet in some regards.. there is this haunting contradiction to it all…. it feels like i am actually getting further away from that which matters most. The simple indulgences of life.. the things i ‘desire’ i have removed them completely… it felt like it might be liberating at first… but maybe it was just a ‘trend’ something new that felt interesting at first… yet somehow it felt wrong as well… when I let go of and removed all my desires… instead of finding the love… being drawn up in to a higher divine contention…. there is just nothing… absolutely nothing there.


I leave the school. The event is over for this year. I take one last look back at the building. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain directly in my heart. it feels like organ failure. It is intense. Then is passes.

“Are you feeling Enlightened yet!!” It’s that same voice from the room, it’s hissing in my mind! Like it is taunting me. It is little more then a creepy wispier. It felt like someone else was there… other then me… yet I  start to wonder if I actually heard it.

All those years I spent trying to become ‘Enlightened’ when all I really wanted was for Chrissy to just hang out with me for once. or another girl like her. Why is this happening. This is so dark. I never imagined I would be having chest pains. The doctors never found anything wrong. It was scary. to reflect back on the years i devoted to this ‘enlightenment’, this vision of ‘personal transformation’, it felt like i had ruined my body some how… i had pushed to far… and it all stared… because of stuff like this.. girls… who wouldn’t fucking call back. I used to be a normal person… I used to be a good person. Now I am a monster… pretending to be the normal fun guy I used to be, the person i was supposed to be. But inside i feel it…. I’ve felt it for some time now…. something is truly wrong with this world. And whatever voice was speaking to me… the wrongness of the world goes beyond it.

I drove home, feeling good about the talk with Chrissy… that was way better then I was expecting… i could really rekindle things with her… maybe … but i was having chest pain now… it was getting bad and I didn’t know what to do… it had been going on for a few months now… i had thought coming here would remind me of who i used to be before i became so ‘intense’ about Buddhism… back when i did art and music and other hobbies… but there was still much confusion. i couldn’t stay connected to the energy, and feel safe to go back into my ‘desires’ the thing that had lead me into the cave. i saw the desires as bad somehow.

The pain was scary. the concert was a few hours away. i felt afraid to drive there.

I started having dreams about this letter i had written that i had left in one of the rooms of the school Chrissy went too. it was some kind of message i had intended to send to her.

Another year goes by. My pain had been getting really bad. It was heart to even think about talking to a girl like Chrissy in this stated of crippling physical pain… But i had seen some improvements in the last month. I had slowed my life way down since the chest pain started… i was all about ‘nature’ and ‘peace’ and ‘loving others’ and ‘self love’ now. The music event at the Catholic school was starting again soon, coincidentally now that my health was returning a bit. i decide to go to the music event.

I looked around… this time Chrissy is not there.

At the center of the school, it looked like a church or a cathedral, there was this statue of a female saint, that said “we value those with bleeding hearts” it was kind of creepy. “to devotion to living selfless lives” it says after that. it reminds me of both Chrissy and i, always striving to be better, … in some ways to the determent of our own well being… the bleeding heart. here it is promoted… like it is the highest quality to strive for. It is stuff like this that is the reason people like her and i push too far and wind up in the dark. It was ironic that the plaque on the statue used the words ‘bleeding heart’ to describe the type of mentality i used to have… and now after years of that mentality,.. that way of life… i was literally having cardiac pain.
I’m wondering around the halls… feeling a strange vague kind of sadness…it’s hard to feel anything sometimes… life is just so… mundane. hauntingly so. Some people talk about ghosts spirits and aliens, I’ve always been a person of science,… I’ve never had anything even remotely supernatural happen to me.

I wonder down this corridor on the far west side of the Catholic school.. it reminds me of the place from my dream. in real life i would stay at a hotel near by. but in the dream, i attended the event and stayed in one of the rooms at the school, near a room that was Chrissie’s. That made sense that i would dream about being ‘closer’ to her. In the dream.. I had been writing her this letter. Like something fancy and romantic from colonial times. But in the dream i left in the room and forgot to take the letter with me….

As I walked down the hall I noticed a long line of dorm rooms. Everyone was gone for the summer, the school was only being used for the music event now. Just a hall of empty rooms. I decided it would be cool if I could try to find the room from my dream. For fun i pushed on one of the door handles to a room in the middle of the hall. it opened, to my surprise. inside was a neatly made bed with an envelope on it.

In a daze of confusion… i picked up the envelope. it had a red seal, like in the dream. i opened it. i really don’t give a shit about what i do these days. it was all to surreal anyway.

I opened the letter. it was a letter form me to Chrissy. the letter contained plans for our wedding. I was so confused… And then it got stranger… it felt like the way my heart was beating changed then… like for a few seconds i felt… younger… like i had become a different person… like a more energetic happier version of myself. it was scary. yet it felt right.

Suddenly the door closed and something grabbed me from behind. all i saw out of the corner of my eyes was this blackness. like a shadow, but i really couldn’t see it.

This crescendo of whispers seemed to fill my head.

“Are you feeling Enlightened yet!!” I thought i heard a voice say.

I could swear I heard that among the hissing voices… Maybe i was imagining this… or dreaming it… i wasn’t quite sure.

Suddenly all of it was gone. The letter was gone too.

So I leave the room and go back to the event…. thinking i had imagined it all. everything is normal. i see some of my old friends from the previous years. the event is for all ages. Lynn and David.. people I’ve met before. Eccentric adults, talented musicians, dancers, people who travel the world, hippies, concert performers, new agy spiritual people, playing a variety of unusual instruments in combined jam sessions. I play the piano, remembering the way Chrissy made me feel. this sense of purpose. remembering the way she played. but also playing for myself this time. I’m more relaxed then i was the last time i was here… the conflict in me has healed a little. but Chrissy is not here this time to see it.

I star talking to this younger girl.. she is about 18… a bit young .. I am around 25 at this time. The nice thing about Chrissy is she was coincidentally the same age as me. I’m talking to this younger blond girl, she is pretty. not crazy pretty. We have a long conversion as we walk from one room to the next across the school.. some rooms aren’t connected and you have to walk out doors to get to them, to other building in the school… It’s nice, being in a school like this… meeting people. I can tell this girl… thinks she’s too good for me… It’s like she was friendly… but ultimately not that interested in the conversion. It is annoying. For me, I can never get enough when i finally find someone who seems of compatible age and personality… Even if she is a bit young… the just seems to happen too often… you FINALLY find someone who really feels compatible… and they are just so standoffish… like they have something more important they need to be doing. But like ‘what’? is that. Hurrying their way to the grave? A life of ‘business’. People don’t just stop to talk and enjoy life (well not enough of them). I used to be so bright and optimistic… i can begun to see society as a disease… I used to think the problem was in me… but now i saw it… insecurity … everywhere.. people thought they were living lives of ‘productivity’ but it was just a clever mask for something else… insecurity… a drive to fill something never full. we are all empty shells… like mass produced coca-calla cans… we kept producing and producing… yet something was empty on the inside. I parted ways with the girl. I wouldn’t make her ‘suffer’ my existence any more. There might still be other girls here.

The day continued to roll by. I didn’t want to be a brooding fool, meaning I didn’t want to sound too attached to it, but i decided to ask Lynn if she has seen Chrissy recently…

“Oh… hun. … I’m sorry… She’s gone.” Lynn looks at the ground.

“Gone?” I say in shock.

Lynn goes on to explain the terrible car accident that killed Chrissy. Something truly random, sudden, and mundane.

…..The day just roles on and on. There is a weight in my chest. the food has no taste. nothing matters anymore. i thought i was doing all this for myself, but maybe i was doing it for her after all…. it’s all for her, it’s always about her in the end. i was just kidding myself… thinking i had let go. that i could ‘let go’ of everything. you never fucking let go of love. it hold on and it hold on and it holds on.

I walk back to that room. in a rage. hoping maybe that dark spirit will appear again. so i can give him a piece of my mind. i want a confrontation. some strange curiosity draws me back to the hall, the dorm rooms, the open door.

I find the door again. 106.

I enter.

There’s no envelope this time. was the whole thing part of the dream? did i confuse the dream with reality. but it’s strange the door was open…

Stay in the room for a while… just hanging out… like i will learn something if i stay here…. like God will fucking intervene and bring Chrissy back,.. even if she was alive… she was never mine. There are so many layers of irony to this.

The room just reminded me of her somehow. Once she had been a school girl here… staying in rooms like this… and after graduation she had returned here every year for the summer music event for all ages.

I write some notes on my phone the way I often do. Just notice about the day, things on my mind, kind of like journaling but kind of not. i browse the internet on my phone. i log on to Facebook. It takes a while to find Chrissy’s account… I’m not even friends with her. But i find it… some of her pictures are publicly visible. I click on her profile picture, a few different pictures come up. I just gaze at one of the pictures for a while. It seems to feel nice. Lots of friends have commented there condolences… “You were a light to us all.” “We will never forget your shinning spirit and the way you brought out the best in people.” She really is gone. I’ve read enough.

Finally after an entire hour just sitting there on that bed in the dorm room I leave.

Closing the door behind me, I headed down the hall. … I’m almost all the way down the hall when I here music playing behind me … harp music. It reminds me of her. I head back the way i came. It sounds like it is coming from a room around the area i just was.. I stop … the music seems to be coming directly from room 106. I enter the room. Maybe someone really had been staying here. Maybe there is a harpist here… maybe I will meet a new Chrissy. In my mind i am picturing Chrissy with a different hair color. A new Chrissy. Maybe this is my destined moment. I can tell her about how i once knew a harp player a bit like her. I’m getting a head of myself. I’m not sure how a few about the idea of a new Chrissy. I didn’t know Chrissy that long… but she made an impression to say the least. The idea of a new Chrissy just feels sad. This place, this school, will always remind me of her.

When I get inside… the room is empty.

The music has stopped. now I feel I bit of fear.

I turn to leave. But I hear a rustling behind me.

I look again. I jump in shock.

A giant black figure is there!! Like a big shadow… a blotch of deep darkness right up against the wall.

……I am too scared to get what it is at first….. I find myself looking away. Then I make myself look back.

The figure… It is a girl, and a giant black harp. The same harp Chrissy used…. … ….but the girl is like a corpse… and yet… she is moving… I feel chills running through me. It is all very vivid. She has long flowing hair… The girl… it is Chrissy.. disfigured from her car accident…


Like a dead body… deathly pale in some areas… but majority of her is charcoal black… like it had been rotting for months into deep blackness…..

This thing that looks like Chrissy, it grins at me. “It’s good to see you Zack.”

Her voice is delicate, gentle, sweet, like the vibrant kind real life angel Chrissy is. Only it comes from the mouth of a blackened corpse. It’s creepy.. I find myself wondering .. it is like her body is dead.. yet somewhere inside her some of her organs might still be alive, the gentleness of her voice, the light in her eyes… In stark contrast to the deadness of her exterior. I’m trying to imagine the kind of pain she might be in.

Her limbs are broken in places hanging off in strange directions. Severed yet still partially attached. This is true for one of her arms and one of her legs. Her mid section also looks a bit mangled.

“You too!” I say.

I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of anything. I’ve been waiting for this.
I know this life never made any fucking sense. I’ve been waiting all these long years for something exciting to finally happen. The thing most people don’t know about me… is that I’m not actually afraid of anything. nothing that can happen can be worse then what has already happened in my life. nothing can be worse then feeling true love, and having that love be taken for no reason.

Then the freaky goolish Chrissy just vanishes. It is sudden and abrupt. The way she and the harp just disappeared. It’s like she knew I wasn’t afraid.

“Are you ready to give me your phone number again!” I say holding out my cell phone and turning on the screen, smiling sardonically. I used to be a very normal person, intensely so, but over the years… rejection after rejection… I kind of lost my mind. I’m not afraid of the dead… I’m not afraid of anything.

“Was that all you wanted. To scare me!” I shout “Are you sad it didn’t work! I love you Chrissy! I love you!! I don’t know why i didn’t work. i guess you pretty girls always have something more important to do! Like getting hit by cars!! I hope it was all worth it!! I hope you loved every god damn moment of your beautiful fucking life.”

Suddenly something grabs me from behind. This crescendo of hissing whispers fills my head. like the first time i entered the room. i jump, a bit startled, maybe i was talking so much because i really was afraid. or maybe i just had a lot to say. this thing behind me… it feels scary. even more then Chrissie’s talking corpse playing the harp.

“Why are you so persistent” the voice says, it booms in my head. This ‘thing’ is behind me… i feel it,, i don’t see it… it’s like a shadow.. yet it’s voice is in my head… it won’t stop echoing… it keeps filling my head with reverberating echos.

Stop!!! i scream at it. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of anything. I’m just pissed. “if you have something to say to me… say it! speak the fuck up! I can’t hear what you are saying.”

then the whispering just stops.

“I thought so.” I say. “so you had nothing to say after all.”

I look around the room. no one is here. nothing.

“Maybe you can show me that letter again.” “that was kind of nice.” “lets do something positive for a change.”

“Zack are you ok?”

It’s Lynn from the music event.

“I heard you talking.”

“Oh yeah… sorry i was.. on the phone.” I say.

“Oh… ok.” She says. She seems to accept this excuse… not needing to know the details.

Lynn walks me back to the event.

Now back at the event I’m watching others preform… I have lots of time to just think and sit with my thoughts. Man… That was creepy… I’m still in a kind of shock. I think back to that room… I remember every detail of it all. The exact words that ‘thing’ that appeared to be ‘Chrissy’ had used and the exact way her voice sounded. Chrissy….. “It’s good to see you Zack.” She, the corpse girl, had said. It’s similar to what she said in real life the last time I saw her one year ago. but not exactly the same. it had been a little more gentle… almost intimate. almost. which seems to imply this is was real Chrissy who had spoken. that this was a new moment in time, a genuine interaction, and not just an echo, not one of my own memories just running on repeat, like something from a dream.

Later that night i am leaving the Catholic school, looking back at it’s big looming presence. The tall stone pillars and pointed tops and arches of the roof. The building looks cold and powerful. The air is cold. i feel empty. i felt it… like that room had some kind of answer for me. that was so strange. Chrissie’s corpse. i want to see her again. even if she is a talking corpse. maybe it made me excited.

i felt it, confusion in my life, like whatever i tried, it wasn’t right. .. like something had been draining my energy.. I had been talking to my friend about it she said “maybe you have an energy demon”

I start walking back home, then i turn to take one last look at the school. I look for the window to that room 106… just blackness inside all the windows. it is hard to tell which is which. i start counting windows from right to left… i count six widows down… i am sure… it is that one.. i look into the window. nothing unusual there.

I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life right now.. there is truly nothing urgent i need to be doing right now.. So I keep standing there… looking into that window. “I want to see you. I want to see you again.” I say into the cold, my voice evaporates into smoke. it is so cold… and so dark… it’s just me facing off against this big creepy stone building. What am i even doing… I turn around. I’m going to leave now. walk away from this. but then … i just take one last look at he window.

And in the window … I see her shadow. It’s her. A dark shape … pitch blackness in the shape of Chrissy, a blackness even darker darker then that of the rest of the room. she is standing right there now facing directly at me. I can’t see it’s eyes. But in my heart. I feel like it is staring right at me. My heart is racing… ‘you… I want you.’ i think.  Then I turn away. This isn’t right. Or is it? Then i look back again. The shadow is gone.


I was driving back home now.

Something about my life has never made sense.

It is 9pm at night. the event is three days long and it ends in the night… I also arrive at the event on friend night… leave Sunday night… it means i have to do two 3 hour drives during the late hours after the sun sets. a lot of it is long almost empty high way through farm land / country. I am speeding down the dark road.. trying to get it over with… I’m driving 67 slightly over the limit. Suddenly i see a dark shape on the side of the road. It looks like corpse Chrissy playing the big black harp. I drive right by her and for a moment i look directly into her eyes… all i see is death… and maybe sadness. did i just imagine there was sadness there too?

I pull over to the side of the road. I’m going back. I have to see her again. I walk back 100 feet to the spot where I saw her… there in the grass.. there is actually a road here and a sign. It leads to a church. I walk inside… it is like a big auditorium. it is empty.. the light out.. no one is here. I just stand there… the Universe has never sent me ‘signs’ and i don’t expect it to suddenly start doing so now. Some people see ‘signs’ everywhere… but me… it’s never happened. it all just feels like chaos. there is no meaning to it but the meaning i gave it… and lately it’s been hard to keep given… hard to care. But it’s strange none the less… I saw her ghost… and now I’m here inside this church that is open for some reason.

I am looking at this statue of Jesus on the cross. that’s us.. bearing our crosses in life… always striving for more… to make the sacrifice… then killed off… by the very fools who failed to see our value right from the beginning. it’s a profound symbol… I’m not a christian… but something about it always spoke to me. i like that Jesus is a real person… I a way… that’s how i felt about Chrissy…. i never felt like God was watching over me… life was so lonely and empty and cold… but when i met people like Chrissy.. and Chrissy itself… it felt like i was with god… no like she WAS God… God incarnate… something divine on Earth… she was real… that was something i could believe in.

I decided to walk down the hall… closer to the statue.. I am standing in front of it. I am really losing my mind. Hoping that if i just keep standing here…. something important will happen. Maybe GOD will intervene. lol. No he has never shown up before… i don’t expect him to start caring now. Then i look to my lift and notice there is a big grand piano there. IT reminds me of Chrissy… her passionate playing.. and of myself. Piano is my primary instrument. I’ve composed several songs. mostly free-styling.

I’m looking at the piano…. when suddenly a powerful and profound emotion is shooting though me… flowing like a river… of deep rainbow emotion… lifting me higher and higher. Suddenly the church is full of people…. light is streaming in through the windows. and Chrissy is sitting there at the piano. She is beaming at me.

She is diddling around on the piano. “Come on! You said you would play with me!” She says… inviting me to sit next to her. She is playing this song… and some how i know it too… I play it with her.

“Oh by the way! I was meaning to tell you…. I finally finished reading your book!” She said. “Trauma of Nations.” She says.

I’ve never written a book by that title. But somehow it’s like I remember writing it. I nod. “That’s great!” I say. It’s like i just stepped into a movie… and i know all the lines. but i still remember the reality i came from.. and it is scary.

“I like the way you describe people…. it’s so detailed…. oddly specific. It was kind of shocking actually… I agree with it…. I’ve always felt it was true… but i liked the way you put it into words… i couldn’t seem to describe it somehow the way you did.”

“Thank you…” I said.

“I feel like… lots of people out there are suffering… that’s why i play.. because it lifts people out of the pain… it makes people happy… and it makes me happy… but when I’m with you… i feel like something even more is possible… i feel like… we could really bring about a change in the world…”

“I feel the same way.” I smile at her and stroke her long auburn / crimson hair.

“I’ve always sensed it… this burning purpose in you… you were so driven… and it inspired me to be my best self as well. I think it motivated me to finish this book. but that’s just the beginning.”

“I know what you mean.” She smiles. “I want to talk more about the book later. there is so much going on right now. The book… it reminded me of something… a lot of things… it gave me this crazy idea! I know where we should go next!” She says… it sounds like she is talking about traveling the world or something.

Then the whole scene disappears… I am looking now at dead Chrissy, the blackened corpse…. playing the piano still.

“You think you are entitled to a life with me!” She shrikes. her voice this creepy hissing… otherworldly sound. her eyes are black.

“I never!!” “I never made any assumptions about anything!”

“All of that….. that’s just the insecurity talking!” That isn’t you. “It’s all outlined in that goddamn book i never wrote! it isn’t real! it is insecurity.”

Your insecurity” she grins… her body is dead, blackened in some areas… rotten… yet ghostly pale in others…., and yet her eyes are full of life now. “your inferiority.” (as in inferiority complex) “You never had the courage to continue to approach me. you gave up too soon!” “you didn’t have the guts.” She grins.


This is going to sound fucked … but I like girls who are really pale… she still has a lot of her feminine beatify… the perfect symmetry of her face.. despite the severed appendages and a few rotten areas… she does still look hot.. that’s the truth.

“You’re absolutely right!” I smile. “but i could say the same about you! you waited for the perfect man. you went for the smooth talkers.. the really really excessively confident outgoing men. you never imagined that a shy guy like me… someone who didn’t ‘always’ know what to say could love you far more then they ever could. you only valued appearance… the guys who were better at ‘showing’ off. You never saw past it… to something deeper.. You never even gave me a chance. You thought you were too cool… so cool… but guys like that… who always know what to say.. they don’t have what it takes in the long run… they burn out on drugs.. lost in the glory days now behind them… they don’t have real ambition… the ambition to change this rotting world!!! You are shallow! You missed the truth of it all… right from the very beginning. You failed!!!!!” I laugh manically.

Chrissy’s dead body listens to all of it… trying to find an argument… yet finding none.

“And yes!” I grin maliciously. “We should have been together. You would have been better. ….. better off … with me!” I know she dated other people… girls like that always have an army of men blowing up their phones… she probably dated some confident asshole every single year since she was 14… i dated no one… i pursued many girls… and never had a GF…  She probably dated someone… someone without the ambition i had. “You dated shallow men. as all the pretty girls do. I could match you ambition!” I grinned “i could lift you higher! We could do it for each other.” I say, the honesty makes my anger sound a little softer, a little more gentle. “I felt it. You and I, we were supposed to be together!!”

“You can’t be with me.” Zombie Chrissy hisses menacingly, her words have cold finality. “You don’t even know yourself. You don’t even love yourself. You hate yourself!” she shrieks!!

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She is creepy. but not as creepy.. not as horrific as the truth i feel inside myself… the truth I have always felt. that I am utterly alone… it feels almost as though i am living inside the wrong timeline or something like that. Like an alternate reality that was never even supposed to happen.

“No… girl.. It is you who does not understand.” I grin. “You had so many important things to do… you never saw what was right in front of you. the truth.” “I never hated myself… The one i hate… it has always been you!!!” I shout.

She vanishes. then i feel it again…. this current of emotion running though my chest…. lifting me higher… why now? this is so strange. it was like when i said that to her…. it released something deep from within myself… it felt good… the hatred.

Chrissy beams it me. Young radiant and alive… pretty and gentile. She gets up off the piano. “I’ll see you soon!” Light pours in from the window around us. I hear voices of other in the room.

Somehow I gather that we are at a wedding. We are still in the same building… but it is day time and it is full of people now.

Chrissy looks back at me, whirling around energetically… her dress flutters and spins showing more of her legs. “Just seven days left! In seven days this will be us.. getting married!” she beams.

I smile at her… “I can’t wait…. to jump your bones after the ceremony.” I grin.

For a moment Chrissy pretends to be put off… she pouts playfully… then she has this deep bushy grin. “not if I don’t jump them first!!” she pauses and grins harder, “I’m going to hold you down and make you take it!”

“I would have it no other way.” I say… more gently and intimately then she was expecting… we had been joking around… but she felt the change in emotion coming from me… the love… it took her a back… but in a good way.

Someone else at the wedding… a man in his fifties… overhears us talking he looks at us and beams… Chrissy blushes… then runs off.

“It’s all good!” the man laughs.. “you guys look like a happy couple. it just sounded like you guys were … having a good time. I’m not judging… seriously … you’re young! Enjoy your lives!”

“Thank you!” I say. There is so much good in my life… I’m not even sure what i want to do next… maybe i will compose a new song. I am starting to forget… forget the other reality ever even exited…. …. this is the reality that was supposed to be… this feels right.

Then the whole scene just vanishes.

Zombie Chrissy appears again at the piano. I am standing. She is sitting.

“I was imperfect.. but you could have seen through that. you could have loved me anyway.” I tell her.

“There is no destiny. We aren’t meant to be together. It’s all chaos and death.” the Goolish Chrissy howls at me. I guess dying has changed her perspective on it all somewhat. “You’re a looser. The only thing you want… is to live in a fantasy.”

Did she see it too? I wonder. Was she there in those visions with me… that better place where we were together… is this is still the same Chrissy…something tells me that despite appearances… this is the very same girl. She really was there. I won’t assume she wasn’t. I won’t assume it was all just a fantasy or a dream… not yet. Was she there with me… and did it scare her to see that other reality… did it make her wonder… that maybe she made the wrong choice. She must have seen it… that would explain why she is saying this.

“Any fantasy is better then this crap we call life…” I grin. “And the fantasy… This constant obsession I have with women, girls like you. This obsession… to make the world better then it is and to believe it can be. It actually makes me feel more alive then I ever was before! back when i followed the rules. When I kept my head down and let the insults get to me.”

She laughs and sways back a bit in her seat. She didn’t know I had so much to say, maybe she is actually a little impressed. “You were always too afraid…” She fires back. “Afraid to take what you really wanted.”

“Do you see it now… now that your dead.” I retort. “You’re saying this… because you know you fucked up. You can see that I loved you more, and you’re regretting that you never left room in your busy schedule to take the good things in life for your self! You deserved that life! But you didn’t even give yourself permission to just take it!”

She looks away… then she turns back and snarls viciously, a force, a wind comes from her, it almost knocks me over. Almost. .. Her teeth turn into fangs. Her eyes flash black.

It doesn’t even matter… her spunkiness … it just makes her more attractive to me.

“I’m not afraid…” I say. “And that means… I’m not afraid to say truth. The true depth of how pathetic I really am.. The truth is… even after you devoted your life to ignoring my advances.. after all that time… even in this very moment… I still love you. I just keep loving you and loving you and loving you!” That is who i am. I realize i am crying now. “You’re the one who is afraid. you are the one who keeps running away from me!”

I step forward towards dead reanimated Chrissy and take her hand. I pull her up to her feet. Surprisingly…. she doesn’t resist. She flies right into my arms… still dead and black and creepy as ever… but the creepiness just excites me somehow. she might as well have been dead from the beginning.. because she barely gave me the time of day. (to quote my grandma I think lol). it’s funny after she died our relationship has become more honest then it ever was when she was living!!

I am kissing her and holding her close… it actually feels good. i see love in her eyes. Then she explodes into thousands of cockroaches. she is dead after-all.

Suddenly i feel it again.. I am being lifted up into this other reality once again. This time i am in a different place… I am outside at a different wedding… It doesn’t take me long to realize… this time… I am at my own wedding.

I am standing across from Chrissy. My heart stops. Don’t make me feel this. Anything but this. Somehow….. this is worse.. Nothing will ever compare.. to this feeling.

We are saying our vows. I have this great feeling.. only this time there is also dread … because i know this is going to fade away again… this reality won’t last… it’s just like a glimpse into something… and i have no idea why this is happening still. I’m sure i never will. come to think of it… nothing about my life has ever made sense… about this reality. My best friend jack is standing behind me.. my best man. other familiar faces are in the crowd… and unfamiliar faces. I go into kiss her. It is hard to feel this profoundly alive… now knowing it will soon disappear. who knows… maybe not.

The scene vanish again. I am alone in the dark empty church. Zombie Chrissy is gone too now.

A few moments pass. Suddenly the entire church is full of this loud hissing noise… it is like the noises from before… only now it is overwhelming.. it is everywhere… it feels like the walls of the church are moving… i see little bugs everywhere… i now notice. they look like little spiders.

“I am the illness.” The voice booms. “I have always been with you… since you were five.”

when I was five I almost died of Lyme disease. Is the disease itself speaking to me now? What does that have anything to do with what is happening now…

“you are always so…… persistent!” There is this echoing… vibrating hissing creepiness to the voice. like time is moving in two different directions… like feedback… like a loop.

“you were supposed to die…” it says. i make out these words among the whisperers.

“…on three separate occasions….” i make out more words… among the hissing… i keep expecting it to stop…. but it doesn’t… the entire wall… every wall and the ceiling is covered in spiders. I’ve really provoked the demons now.

“but you just keep on living… why won’t you just die!!” then abruptly all the noise and activity stops. i am alone in the empty church.

I think I’ve had enough for the day. nothing left to ponder here. I go to the gas station and buy a red bull. i think i will reward myself. that part where i kissed zombie Chrissy… that was pretty epic… i think about that.

I drive home. i am a bit freaked though… I’m trying to stay confident about it… but this feeling tells me i am about to die.


There is a big river down the hill a few hundred feet away from my house. i walk to the park near the river. then i start walking into the river. I notice a sign that says “no swimming”. how timid i am … i almost give up my plan to go in just because of the sign. maybe i am looking for some kind of baptism. the water calls to me. maybe i just want to drown. but that would be too painful. i just want to get wet. get dirty. i want to feel the water on my skin. feel something. other then emptiness and hatred. So i walk out… into the water… I’m not really sure why I am doing this… I know life is so mundane… i know nothing interesting will happen… nothing interesting ever happens. Not to me. Not in this town.. This productive lonely insecure little village.

I am standing there in the lake, and i feel it again… something behind me. a voice in my head.

“you are so persistent.” this voice echoes in my head. i can’t tell if it said anything, if there were words… or just echos and hissing sounds that resembled words.
“who are you!” I say.

There is a pause..
“I wanted you to suffer.. as I suffered.” the voice says.

the voice… it is the same from before… the voice.. it is my voice, I now realize. but it is not me who is speaking.
“you and Chrissy were supposed to be together.” the voice says now… more clearly. “Seven days from now…. was actually the day of your marriage. I was jealous… of how happy you two always were. i wanted you to know what is like. Four years ago.. the two of you began dating.. you both met in New York city… and were swept up in a rush of passion… shared passion for music… and something more… you dated for 4 years… then planed your wedding.”
“Who are you?” I say again.
“I am you.” he says.
“there is more then one reality” he says.
I was supposed to be with Chrissy….. NOT YOU” the voice says… it feels like i am being drawn into the spirit world for a moment as the voice explains this entire story “…..Back then… all those long years ago Chrissy and I were starting a relationship… however I made a small mistake…. a mistake that cost me everything… …… Now centuries later…. a strange coincidence… a new timeline was born… unusually similar to the one I came from… I had long since died, I wandered the spirit world.. Timelines diverge… but now and then they re-converge… but only us… the dead can see them. Watching over it all… full of regret. Unable to take our own dreams… we instead deny the dreams of the living as our revenge. Events diverge.. but lead back to the same ending… this new timeline… it was like my old one… only new… younger. This timeline… it created the chance for Chrissy and I to be reunited they way we were always meant to be. …however… the Chrissy and i in this new timeline… they were different… the same people in just about every way.. yet not the same souls. I would be cursed to forever watch over this other very similar timeline where all my dreams came true…. I died a long time ago. Cursed to wander this purgatory between worlds. To watch over you. You who was destined to become the me I should have been. I had nothing to give you… and every reason to want to hate! So i altered your timeline… right from the beginning… so Chrissy would reject you. I made her life more busy… and I altered her memories of love for you… she would see you as just another stranger and forget the moment of connection you shared. And slowly over the years… I infested your energy body… i drained you of life… it was so subtle you would never notice it… but over the years you felt it.. the pain … in your heart. It was never natural! Fool! You always blamed yourself! You never suspected! It was ME from the start. I have been killing you all this time! Slowly! Painfully. Ever so gently. Because I hate you!!! And I hate myself!!!!!” The spirit has a lot to say… but it is all shouted into me rapidly by his many hissing voices.. i hear it all.. but it is like a download a whirlwind of information, it’s like his memories are downloaded into me. Now I am back on my feet. Waiding in the river near my house.

I knew it never made sense!!… I knew it!! something never made sense… right from the beginning…. things had been so good between her and I.
The envelope and letter I read… it was like an ember of the time line that was supposed to take place. the sprites aren’t supposed to intervene… yet if their hate is strong enough… driven by love… they can alter the paths of the living. all along…. this dead thing … that is in a way ‘me’ has been taking my destiny from me… the density i always felt was mine to take.

“Early on … my original plan had been to posses you… to take over your body so though you i could be with Chrissy. However… i realized that I was unable to. Spirits can only influence this reality in very small ways. So i chaned my plan. i would take what mattered most. when you were a child… i influenced the tick to find you and give you Lyme’s Disease.. this event changed the course of our life. it effected your stamina. I also influenced your parents so they won’t notice it for an entire three months so that it could be more fully effective.” the voice explains.

I was angry… that any version of myself… in any time line… could turn out to be so petty! So pathetic!!!

“I had nothing to give you…. and every reason to want to take!!… because love is such a fragile thing.. all it took was a few small interventions, here and there… and your entire destiny was broken. You and Chrissy were destined to be married, and with the smallest change in your path… you lived your entire lives as strangers!! How pathetic it all truly is!”

“The more I watched you suffer… the more my spirit drifted away from the other side and closer to the world of the living… the great irony… Because we were already essentially the same person… Like a glitch in time, we became increasingly connected. My dead soul became bound to yours!! Now i am unable to pass fully into the afterlife until you have died as well! We are both stuck here togather!! Originally i just wanted to take what you had. but this … this is ‘s why I’ve been trying to kill you all this time!! So I can finally be at peace!!” He says.

“I’m not afraid of you.” I grin. “I’ve been waiting for this… All my life. A reckoning… with you the one who keeps getting in my way… the one who keeps fucking everything up!!” I shout.

“Oh?” The voice says. He is behind me… like a shadow … I still can’t see him.

“There is nothing you can do to me. That has not already been done. Nothing that can happen can be worse then that which has already come to pass.” I smile confidently.

“How arrogant… I can’t wait… to show you how wrong you are!!” The voice hisses… it is like many voices hissing through my mind.

“You and Chrissy went down opposite paths. You could blame me…. but all i did was give her a little push in the wrong direction.” The voice says.

“I don’t care!” I say back to the spirit. “No one loves you!” I grin sadistically. I’m trying to provoke it. You think your the only one who suffers. You think you are scary because you are dead. I am just as dead as you are! Even more so!

“Her path lead to death…” The voice hisses. “And so will yours!!!”

The spirit takes hold of me… many dark shadowy arms grab me by the head and hold me under the water. it drowns me… and i die. (but not before returning here to write this story.)


— Credits Roll —

*Call Me Maybe by Carly Rey plays*

Written by Zack Zwiebel

directed by Zwackery Zweevel

co directed by M Night Shamalan


Rise of Skywalker; Addressing Fan Hate; (and bonus Darth Jar Jar thesis)

My thoughts on the new star wars.

Sometimes I feel frustrated with the fan base of how much they hate anything. I feel happy to see star wars finally back after it’s fifteen year absence. There’s a lot I enjoy about the new movies, and many of the problems they do have are classic Hollywood storytelling limitations, like focusing on action instead of plot. Or using suspense to hide a lack of plot.


(You can really feel jar jar’s power in this shot. Props to JJ Abrams. Jar Jar is a real role model to adults and teens everywhere, Binks is a guy who can keep things lighthearted, but also channel immense dark side rage. Jar Jar is an Icon for edgy teens carrying the heavy responsibilities of millennial ambitions like getting better at mine craft and fortnight. Lonely fans identify with the way Jar Jar is hated on the internet, and being outcast by his own kind. And when Jar Jar reveals his true Sith self in Star Wars Episode 11, it inspires other outcast star wars fans to channel their own inner rage for political gain.)

The force awakens was like a copy cat movie, stalling to buy time. it didn’t do that many interesting things, maybe at the very beginning, like when kylo stopped that laser. Kylos force anger is comically exaggerated and actually makes him look childish and non threatening. The most terrifying thing about Kylo Ren is his absence of back story. The total absence of any reason to relate to him or justify his motivates, and it’s scary potential to derail the entire excitement of the story. Kylo Ren turns bad because “Snoke”? Do they realize how not interesting that is. People think good story is about powerful wizards and great battles…. but really it is about character. Game of Thrones… Lord of the Rings… those are actually stories about character development. The characters drive the stories in good stories… when the story is driving the characters the entire time… that becomes 2 dimensional.
I liked the last Jedi, but it felt like a filler episode at times, it was drawn out, the character development details were not there, even though I liked to plot. (they go on this whole crazy journey just to learn about ‘failure’ and it turns out the stubborn annoying general (Holdo) with her plan, was actually right) I liked that Luke has a struggle of faith, even though it was exaggerated over the top. They did not explain it well enough to justify. A kid goes bad, bam, Luke the great Jedi has a forever melt down, but it was an interesting concept. One of the best parts of the movie was when Luke talks about Palpatine, because it’s nice that they -finally- did something to show that these movies are connected and that Luke has had time to learn more about the past actually. But that only goes to show how much better and more detailed the old movies were, just being reminded of them was like the best part.


Rise of Skywalker

(spoilers, don’t read until you watch)

I loved it
when we see Kylo talk to Rey, and fight Rey, he redeems his character, he seems threatening.
i loved the return of Palpatine, even though it is missing all explanation, and was too obvious, too easy a choice, it fits thematically with the story of star wars, which is so important because Star Wars was at risk of loosing it’s theme, it’s purpose.


I loved JJ’s lost. and loved his ideas, but people have since pointed out that he is good at ‘creating suspense’ without unveiling much of anything. and you can see that with the sequel trilogy. however i just loved the new one. The first two movies are like filler episodes, you could condense them into 30 minutes and put this movie on top of it, and then call it something cooler like “Rise of Palpatine” because that sounds more creative and has a double meaning. Titles like “Last Jedi” “Skywalker” “Force Awakens” Those are all attempts to borrow on the previous greatness of star wars. they are ‘safe’ titles, as they are also ‘safe’ movies. Not so creative as “Attack of the Clones” “Revenge of the Sith”. You can tell just from the title that these movies are different then the previous ones. Even to someone who isn’t fully paying attention you look at the title and feel a bit discouraged because you know there won’t be anything truly new. (I think the words Sith and Clones were mentioned in the OT, but they were certainly not the focus, it was brave,or just natural, of Lucas to bring the creativity to explore those ‘history’ elements of the story)

there were many things in Rise of Skywalker that fit with the essence of star wars even though they lacked explanation that could have made it much more interesting. it leaves it open to imagination, but it would have been better with explanation. like when Palpatine says “I am all the Sith” that is really interesting, but they have never introduced this concept, and at no point is there further explanation of it. it has cool implications. It’s the same thing with Palp’s resurrection. We don’t see it on screen. that is just bad. his return is the most shocking part and we don’t even see they was people react to it. That aside, From the very beginning, and if you read the (Darth Plaguius book) they have suggested that Palpatine and his master were learning how to use the force to create life and defy death. but it would have been better if they had a flashback of Palatine falling down the shaft after Vader throws him. then somewhere else much latter, maybe on the sunken death star, or in his dark sith building on Exogol, he just ‘wakes up’ in this clone body that he had prepared ahead of time.IMG-3941 that would make sense. another less practical method, is that someone uses both technology and a sith ritual to conjure his spirit back into a new body, a new cloned vessel for him, sometime later, but I like to keep it on the technological side. there is opportunity for so much interesting technology, story, and philosophical dialogue, but they just don’t go there.

i like that idea that ‘intention’ can lead you to the light side or the dark side, even more so then action. if Rey kills Palatine out of desire for Revenge she could be possessed by the will of the Sith and the dark side, if she kills him out of necessity, to protect the people and the fleet, she is still true to the light side, her mortals. but they give this no explanation, and there is so much room for interesting dialogue around this. all that is to be expected with American action movies where they expect. It was just so much better then it could have been. And i was concerned more then once, like concerned Palpatine would die too easy, which did happen in one of JJ’s “Six endings” that they filmed. Episodes seven and eight were like two time watch movies. Meaning i watch them twice. where all the other star wars movies i could watch them once a year, so that’s like 20 watches. George created those movies. These movies have more classic Hollywood stile of action and less complex dialogue and world building detail. Hollywood thinks people don’t like that. It’s too much of a risk, a break from the formula, the formula of big exploding robots. So i feel we should encourage movies like this for going in the right direction. I never expected them in a million years to go with the “Rey is a Palpatine” twist, and that was exactly what myself and many other fans wanted. And i think Ryan Jonson’s idea was of having her be “Nobody” sends a really inspiring message that you can succeed without being from an important bloodline. But the Rey Palatine thing ties into the essence of star wars, that you are not your parents, you are not your past, you can change things. but it is scary because it means recognizing the temptation for the dark-side in you. There were many cool concepts they could have elaborated on but didn’t. But I’m still glad they put it out there.

IMG-3877It would have been cool is Palpatine after he drains Rey and Kylo, they are too week to do anything, so Palpatine boards a ship, and flys away somewhere, maybe there is some place he can go to increase his powers, or find a new apprentice, he becomes the “Emperor” again, or the “Supreme Leader”. That would be a cool moment, to have the old Palpatine return, now that he is juiced up on life juice. That way the movie has more plot, where before many of the different planets Rey goes to are just to draw out the suspense and don’t add anything to the story or characters. Cut that out. Palpatines return to being the Emperor could be like a stage three of the movie. Rey and Kylo experience failure. but now they are on the right course. they are united together. and the true evil is revealed. Palpatine gets a chance to demonstrate his political cunning, his ‘two faced’ nature, which is the reason he is interesting. and not just be this ‘classic evil monster guy’ that he is in the movie. In the prequels he was one of the most motivated and sophisticated two faced villains of all time. Here he is just ‘evil guy’.

Kylo’s death at the end of the movie is ok. but it’s just for drama. it’s like some ‘hack’ to make your movie seem like shakespeer. But they had an opportunity to further the ‘message and purpose’ of star wars. by having kylo has to live on with his sin and redeem himself. that would be interesting, like Boyaga stops being a storm trooper. Kylo now has to redeem himself, though there is way more to redeem for him. It would be cool, knowing people like Fin and Poe will hate his guts for a long time. But Rey will love him. I liked that they kiss, even though it doesn’t make sense because they have like very little dialogue after he turns good. People think dialogue is ‘mundane’ to ‘basic’ to be important. I like the kiss though because you can feel attraction without talking. and he sacrificed his life to bring her back.

But it would be more interesting to see them both living on together, redeeming the force together light side and former dark side working together. they learn to deepen their understanding of the force and accept things they couldn’t accept before. like some kind of link between the light and dark side, where before they were separate and divide. no one wants to forgive Kylo, but they need his help to stop Palpatine, and when people like Fin start to see the good in Kylo that helps strengthen them with the force. Getting past the anger and revenge stuff.

Now that Palpatine is seen to be a serious real danger, that the battle can potentially go either way, it’s more exciting to see this next fight because Palpatine has beaten them before and we don’t even know if he has played all his cards yet. He is going somewhere to become even more powerful. Maybe he is contacting some other sith. Or maybe like some kind of fallen Jedi, that would mirror Kylo as the former ‘sith’ kind of. Rey vs Palatine, Kylo vs fallen Jedi person. There seems to be this idea that the story has to revolve around Rey Kylo and some other big villain guy and you can’t introduce new ‘key’ characters, additional characters have to be majorly less significant then the main two or three. that limits the story. it is fear to show creativity. the Star-wars Prequels introduced new formidable opponents all the time. It felt like each movie had two major villains, it was dynamic, where the new star wars, there are only two or three villains, Palpatine, Snoke, Kylo, who are a true threat, and even then kylo is defeated in the first movie, and is unstable like a child.




In conclusion, what is the meaning of Jar Jar? George Lucas said, in the outrageously out of context statement “Jar Jar is the key to all this”. what did he really mean by that?

Over the decades Jar jar has played an integral role in star wars. His central position in starwars is only highlighted all the more so by his total absence from Epsidoes 7 to 9. While Jar Jar has disapred from the big screen, seemly taken a humble bow, his infamy on the internet is stronger then ever in recent years. “Good Gooo00oood” To quote the Dark Lord of the Sith, all hail my master Supreme Chancellor Palps. Binks has been at the heart of many memes and hilarious youtube videos.


Maybe Lucas meant that in their hated of Jar Jar, the fans themselves abandoned our Gungan friend. Jar Jar had little guidance, and screen time, and in his isolation he fell pray to the dark sides manipulations and granted emergency powers to Supreme Chancellor Palatine.

Which allowed the secret Sith lord to turn the Republic into the Empire, aka Disney. We abandoned jar Jar Projected our sadness over lost Original Trilogy nostalgia in the Prequels onto the goofy funny innocent Gungan. when the fans delved too far into their hatred, they awakened the Belrog of Kylo Ren. the  sad edgy over hyped Vader Copycat (Who is redeemed only by the great acting of Adam Driver).

The fans blinded by nostalgia for the Original Trilogy, projected their hatred onto Jar Jar, witch lead to haters on the internet, witch lead to Lucas handing Star Wars to Disney, witch lead to Disney rejecting Lucas’s Sequel Trilogy Treatments, because of fear that the fans hated Lucas’s newer ideas, and they coped the Original Trilogy in the new films to please the fans as they themselves say. They made safe movies.

As the philosopher Nitchie said “when tho doth hate Star Wars Prequels, be careful tho doth not becomith onto the dark side.”

Argo, we the fans, in our hatred of Jar Jar, we became Darth Jar Jar. We turned ourselves and star wars to the dark side, into the dark side Empire of Disney capitalism. Lucas foresaw all of this when he channeled the force through his high medichlorian count, thus the true meaning of his statement “Jar Jar is the Key to all this” finally unveiled decades later in a random blog post.




The truth is…


I am a fan of the prequels.



Star wars was already good. But the OT fans hated the Prequels so relentlessly for not being exactly like the originals, for being a wildly new and different kind of star wars story, that Lucas became discouraged and gave star wars to Disney. And Disney also felt uneasy to included any of Lucas’s ideas for this very reason. Ironically the fans who thought they hated Lucas’s ideas, hated the Disney films that were designed specifically to give them what they thought they wanted.



And finally Disney not knowing what to do for their third final film, finally went back to Lucas for help, and that was when they created a movie everyone could enjoy that actually went back to the heart of star wars. they didn’t even have to think that much. the material is already there, they just had to evoke it. All they had to do was bring back the “Sith”, just putting that word in the film was a risk they had not been willing to take before, because “Sith” is a prequel word. Yet it evokes so much lore, so much depth and history and demotion to star wars, what hte new movies were lacking.


Fans of the OT, raved on the Prequals for their ‘bad dialogue’, but the thing is that is so irrelevant, or at least secondary to what star wars is about. those movies sold so many copies, and inspired hundreds of EU novels. The OT fans came out about their hatred of the Prequels, and my generation, the ‘younglings’ of star wars, followed suit to our elder star wars fans. But those of us like me who grew up with the prequels, we loved them, and i even think Jar Jar is hilarious, Jar Jar is 1000 times more hilarious specifically because so many people hate him to this ridiculousness degree. but yeah, I’m glad that episodes II and III became more adult. Kid Anikin was not important to the story. It was like a marketing thing to make the movie appeal to children, even though Star Wars obviously has themes that are serious to the fullest degree.

Addressing the ‘bad dialogue’ of the prequels. that is something that can be learned from. not a sign that Lucas was some kind of unhinged creative gone off the deep end. as a visionary it’s not his job to get the specifics of dialogue, and he could have hired someone else to review his dialogue and improve it. it is something to learn from. not a sign of the end of star wars lol. but it became the end when fans attacked Lucas as a person. that was scary. to me he is still an idol.


You also hear about the overuse of ‘CGI’ witch is infuriating, because Lucas basically invented CGI. i saw a documentary about it. it is amazing. i had no idea. I thought he was just the idea man, but the company he started revolutionized the modern movie making industry into what it is today. and those movies use CGI in ways that are more fascinating then even most movies today use it. People should have been in awe of the CGI and instead it was criticized for going to far. But that is normal considering it was just invented for them to be excited about it.

When you look at the plot lines of the Prequels they are all so dynamic and exciting compared to the new trilogy. And there is all kinds of deeper meaning that isn’t even mentioned in the dialogue. Such as how on the surface Anakin is a spoiled brat, but in reality it is the Jedi who push him over the edge by being to strict. Anakin is a guy who is motivated by love, he loves his mother and wife, and the Jedi reinforce that he keep these feelings a secret rather then open up about them. It kind of reminds me of when people are really optimistic relentlessly all the time but hide their problems and can’t stand to hear others mention a problem in the world. The Jedi are ‘selfless’, yet they don’t have the whole picture. and when i wanted the movies as a kid i always figured Anakin was the bad one, and the Jedi were good, but over time watching this movie over the years there is so much more to glean from it. Palpatine pushes Anakin to the dark side by planting a vision of his wife dying into his head, and we never even get this ‘on screen’. but you can infer that it happened. as you can infer, that Palpatine only had so much influence over Anakin because his support system in Obi Wan and the Jedi Council was not actually that strong or emotionally deep. It was just like this absolute buddhim kind of “let go over everything” attitude, that sounds noble, but isn’t even human really. the Jedi were selfless, they saw themselves as beyond human.


The Sith are selfish. they channel the shadow self, and even though they are truly evil, they actually have a hidden message to teach the Jedi about something they do not understand or accept about themselves. the Jedi have abstracted themselves out of reality. and it is there if you look for it. when anakin says “I”M sorry Obi Wan, I’ve just been so frustrated with the council lately.” you see it, that he is missing a support system, and it is not because he doesn’t want one, it is the opposite, he wants the wisdom and guidance of the jedi, but he feels, he just knows something is missing. because being with Padame feels right, even though it is forbidden. he is driven by these big love emotions that make him powerful with the force, more so then other Jedi. because he doesn’t understand these emotions, he is turned to the dark side.

As a kid I always saw Obi Wan as the good guy, and he is a real role model and cool character, but in a strange way I always felt like Qui Gon gin was even cooler. and someone pointed out that Qui Gon understood the contradictions of the Jedi council, he was not a ‘grey Jedi’ but in fact the opposite, he was a true Jedi, he saw Anakins potential, but after he died, Obi Wan didn’t know what to do other then whatever the Council told him to do. Qui Gon was a Jedi who trusted his own intuition even over the collective advice of the council. we know little about him. but i like to think that he was more liberated, in a good way, liberated from the ‘hive mind’ kind of thinking.

The movies -never- take credit for how brilliant they are. there is no character in the movie who points it out (as you see in many anime), or puts into words what is really going on, their are so many gray areas, and it is up to the audience to see the deeper meanings.


As an aside, why is it that bilbo Baggins reminds me of my mothers mother (a round happy surviver of depression). and Palpatine reminds me of my fathers mother (paranoid, cunning, wise).

Palpatine “I have waited a loooong time for this… to welcome my grandson.”

“You will take a seat”

“You will eat a prune”

“We will chat while I play jeprody reruns all day in the background.”

The Passion

It feels frustrating. There are a lot of attractive women in the world. I see them a lot. the passion is so intense that I feel. but I can rarely tell if they are interested. they inspire so much passion. I can write novels and novels about them. Sing songs. Writing poetry. accomplish all kinds of things, driven by this passion that is about them, just from them, there basic existence, the fact that they exist in time and space. they breath. they exist. but do they even notice? these girls i feel attracted to. do they feel the passion? or do they just exuded it. At the gym today i saw three different beautiful women over the course of an hour or two. each inspired feelings of intense passion with me. over time the feelings only seem stronger. The strength is actually the same as always. yet to the ‘soul’ perhaps it feels stronger. it feels as though the feelings should be answered, when you first have them at like, 13 say, it was for me.

For a long time i was starting to figure that i really would be the next “40 year old virgin”. but then at age 29, it happened. and I’m not so ‘proud’, about it all, I don’t need sex to validate my worth and existence to the world. I realized i had long since let go of that, and what was most surprising after sex what how little actually changed. and yet it was good to finally feel like this “important chapter” had been written in the story of my life. it did restore much faith in the ‘universe’ which was becoming an increasingly ‘morally ambiguous’ / difficult to redeem kind of place. The world seemed to be a confusing and lonely place full of many truly good people…. countless ‘stray souls’, well meaning individuals.. tangled in loops of stress and nonsense perpetuated by a capitalistic productivity driven society. So many good people.. who’s intentions seemed to be unwittingly ‘hijacked’ by a society that just wanted us all to be ‘better faster smarter’ all the time.

There was lots of goodness in the world, I had felt it before, yet it felt difficult to connect to it somehow, there was too much chaos. and all it took was something random, like Lyme disease, or an unexpected injury and your entire fragile connection to the ‘goodness’ of life could be cut. it all felt too fragile… for this to be the ‘true reality’, for this to be the true place where good people are meant to thrive and belong.

I was always driven by these feelings for women. At first i was very attracted, but i learned to be less so. I would move on, to the next one, and the next one. Becoming increasingly bold, and even a bit ‘swave’. but still i was not easy. I notice it is becoming increasingly hard to care, i find myself becoming increasingly bold. I will just gaze into the eyes of strangers if i think they are attractive, or even if i just think they need some love, or i like something about their energy, or mostly i look for times where that connection just wants to happen, this connection that doesn’t always require words. for too long i was so tangled up in the ‘words’ as i tried to get girls to notice me. but then i came to the realization that many girls could be attracted to the ‘Tarzan’ type of man, who doesn’t even need to know English, but just ‘exudes ‘this sexy masculine energy. i brought more attention to my body. and it was true. i noticed I had put years into finding the right words, but i continued to notice important moments where the words didn’t matter, where they even got in the way, where even simply ‘thinking’ about the right thing to say seemed to distract from the energy of life itself. i became aware that even my thoughts had a real existence as energetic pules, and the time i spent just wondering about what to say to girls, distracted from something more important. the energy of connection.

Early in life my parents devoted lots of time teaching me to ‘read’. they were afraid i wouldn’t know how to read. that i was struggling with the English language even. I almost died of Lyme disease when i was five. and it seemed hard to re-adjust to normal living. i had all these vocabulary words drilled into my head, at a time early on when i was just learning to relax again, to feel emotions, i was struggling to feel connection to people. there was some kind of ‘energetic’ quality about it i noticed growing up. the energy of groups of people at parties for example could be very refashioning, but it was new, i didn’t trust it some how, because my brain thought a lot about the words. i saw the words as more important then the emotions, then that ‘healthy’ feeling inside you. Perhaps because i had rarely truly felt it, i didn’t know it was there really. the ’emptiness’ felt normally. i became increasingly used to it.

Today at the gym i noticed people were trying to get into a locked door behind me. At one point i opened the door for these two painfully beautiful girls. very pretty and curvy. I looked into this girls eyes and said “you need to show me your I.D. to get in here.”

She looked surprised.

“Just kidding” I said.

She laughed “you got me.”

Then i let them go on with their business. I was glad to have that moment. Sometimes even when i am in the mood to meet a women, I notice i pull back. I know “David DeAngelo” or “Mystery” from the Mystery Method, would have all kinds of lines and strategies, but emotionally i feel really hurt and afraid of women sometimes. I feel very fed up and dejected around the idea of making this ‘effort’ to try and attract them. How many times had I gone the extra mile and got all ampted up and invested and it turned out to be for no reason?

Conversely I notice that girls could be very impressed sometimes when i am not making an effort at all, because that’s when i relax. I was talking to this beautifl shopkeeper girl at the mall, and it was strange, like magic she was so warm and friendly, and i began to worry then about how i could attract her it’s like the moment i start to worry i feel disconnected, and the moment i stop worrying, stop caring, i zone out and think about music or something random, and then she looks and me and actually starts smiling and dancing to some music that was playing in the background. It was like i didn’t even have to say anything. I could have asked her to “hang out” or something. I could even go back to that shop and ask her. I haven’t done something like that in years, but it’s exactly the kind of thing i would do. I don’t give a shit. But I actually had to move to a different town because i was living with mom and didn’t really have a job in that area.

Back on the gym story. I walk by this beautiful girl again on the way out. It is frustrating because she is just sitting their with her friends, they seem friendly, it seems like it would be almost easy to talk to them, in comparison to most ‘scenarios’ at least. I didn’t really have anything to say. But the one truly superb looking girl kept getting up and walking around. At one point i just looked into her eyes, she was the one I had made the joke to earlier. I noticed she met my eyes, she didn’t have to. But i felt like there was something there. It’s strange that small moments like this give me a sense of peace.

Something similar happened at the mall a few weeks ago. I noticed a lot of great looking women. I pay more attention to the vibes and the energy of a place now. I was just enjoying the energy of the mall. I noticed i made eye contact with two or three different girls, there were many girls i noticed, but these ‘two or three’ of them seemed to notice me too, and look back into my eyes. and that felt nice. i felt like something emotion passed between us. something good or pleasant.

The last girl i notice, she was extremely curvy. I used to see this like some kind of ‘forbidden desire’, like it was some how more ‘pure’ to go after the girls who made you feel romantic and not the ones who made you feel sexual, but their all equally important as people, and I’ve learned over time that the sexual part of myself is actually good and important.

So i notice this extremely sexy girl, she is not just sexy, she is definitely extremely sexy. And i make eye contact with her. I can’t even believe how big and perfect her curves are. I’ve seen curves like that before, but mostly on the internet. even if her butt was half the size i still would have felt a strong attraction to her, it makes you wonder why evolution even needs women to look that good when they would be amazing even if they were only half as good looking.

so anyway this girl looks into my eyes, she meets my gaze for a moment. I kind of started it of course, but i felt like she noticed my passion, it was like i felt it in her eyes, she liked it. but it was such a brief moment. it’s hard to know for sure. I mean she was so sexy. And i have never succeeded with a woman like that. Actually i can remember one other time when i felt a woman just that hot and curvy was into me, but back then i was struggling a lot more to know what to say and do so i just gave up on the conversation with her, even if i had tried to go further it might have just made it worse, that’s the sad thing really. sometimes courage just gets you killed ’emotionally’. I wasn’t ready back then, i wond’t have known what to do or say. I deserved love sure, don’t we all, but it’s really not obvious what to say to women. When i spend more time noticing emotions in myself and others it becomes a lot more obvious, when i am enjoying myself, but it didn’t feel like many people were telling me to do that. it seem like most people i asked had no idea what i should say or do any more then i did, even the people who were succeeding in love didn’t seem to know how, it was just “this mystery” the natural magnetic connection of the universe, the magic of “being yourself” or something, it just “happened” yeah that was helpful advice. and those people who naturally succeed all the time aren’t even supposed to know I supposed, and thinking they ‘know’ is almost a problem. It can be a problem if i depend on their advice and forget my own intuition or instincts. There is an interesting rhythm to balancing your connection to ‘self’ and to ‘others’ and it involves having fun and noticing your emotions and staying relaxed is very important I’ve learning over the years, and you can get ‘the hang of this’ and it gets much easier with time and practice, but it is not obvious or easy at all for many of us. and many will claim that it is easy or should be, and it is for sure to some, but claiming that meeting women or the opposite sex is ‘easy’ is almost a kind of insecurity, it is a need to ‘stand out’ or look good, to tell the world that you have it all figured out. i feel like most of us don’t know. and that was a major realization for me. I always figured other people knew and i didn’t for some reason.

Anyway this girl at the mall meets my gaze, and it feels nice. It’s frustrating how many years I’ve waited to find a woman like that. I remember seeing this attractive women around seven years ago and finally deciding, this is it, within the next seven days, I am going to approach and meet and date and have sex with a woman like that. I’m done waiting. I’m done being afraid. I’m done letting the confusion of it all get to me.  I had really hit the wall. The feelings were so intense, and there were so many women out there, the more i got out in public, the more i noticed there were more beautiful people out there then i ever imagined or thought possible, yet meeting them was not easy. So i became very driven then. I was around 23. However this became the start of a very dark time in my life. It was a very good and motivated time. but it lead to a crash. I was already pushing hard. and now i stared pushing harder. talking to more people. working out longer and harder hours. Doing these crazy multi hour meditations. there is no end to the list of insane things i did, and it all began from that passion to meet women. I was so furious, that i can remember even as a 13 year old, other 13 year olds were dating each other. And yet even now it was still quite hard to get a single date with a girl, i mean i could now and then, but nothing beyond that really. The dates i got were with good girls, and that felt good, but i noticed there was girls that made me feel even stronger passion just looking at them, and i struggled just getting dates with the girls who were a bit below that attractiveness level, girls that were pretty and good, but often i would see girls that would just fill my whole heart with passion just to look at them, and it was frustrating because i was convincing myself my life was a success yet there was still this category of girl that I was not scoring with at all. And often the girls would hesitate to say we were ‘dating’ they would call it ‘hanging out’ but still it felt great, like progress. but around this time when i was 23, getting a date or two with a pretty girl no longer felt like enough. I needed a girlfriend, or a least to make love to someone that made me feel strong passion. I had a lot of other creative passions and things to be grateful for in my life, yet the romance, that human connection element, was non existent, and that felt like the most important thing of all.

I could create a conclusion about how ‘things have improved’ which they have. but it isn’t important to ‘draw conclusions’ about everything in life, even though we feel we should for some reason. Sometimes I stop myself in the middle of sentences, feeling like I should have an ‘answer’ or a ‘conclusion’ and noticing i don’t need one. This is like a journal entry, it is on going, there is no conclusion


The truth is… five years ago I had this big dental operation done. I was pressured into it. It felt really unnecessary. But i wanted my parents to stop worrying. I am often in pain. It’s a choice i can’t undo. It holds me back from meeting woman, from enjoying life. I am afraid, even if I meet a woman I won’t be able to feel it. Lots of people with ongoing dental problems and dental pain are driven insane by it, they become grouchy, unlovable. It’s a nightmare. I used to be this noble warrior. Now it’s hard for me to speak with consistency. I get by making one word jokes. My struggles with women remind me of who I used to be, when i had hope. The truth is, I don’t struggle with women as much as i used to. the main struggling now is the dental pain. even if i get a woman, the pain prevents me from ‘being the man she needs’. and from really enjoying it myself. I’ve done a lot of research to heal this pain, but the technology is not there yet. I am still learning more. I can’t improve the pain, so i try to improve the quality of my life, i try to bring more joy into my life. Five years ago i began having cardiac pain… but the doctor never found anything wrong with me. it debilitated me. But i had to live on with it quietly. My family just acted like i had ‘gone insane’ or ‘become lazy’, it was the hardest time of my life because of the pain, and because people seemed to think so little of me, there was nothing i could do. A doctor came to my house. pushing drugs. He convinced my dad to force these pills on me, which weren’t even designed to help. they were like ‘autism pills’ it was embarrassing. And the drugs made me exhausted. I told the doctor drugs made me want to kill myself. that was when they literally sent the police to my house and locked me up for a while. It took a long time to get out of that. there is a much longer story here. maybe I will make it a separate post. I wanted to keep this blog optimistic and ‘give back’ to the world, but i want to open up about the truth of how dark my life really is, and the constant adversity i have faced just to stay alive. I’ve had to be my own doctor through it all, no one else could help with the pain. People kept remecomending yoga, acupuncture, meditation, therapy, my life was already structured around those things, that stuff was big in my family, i had an abundance of it, yet people recommended ‘more’. I eventually realized that my body was so weak and susceptible to pain, because it could all be connected back to the Lyme’s Disease i had when i was five. (yes I mentioned this in the ‘creepypasta’ story, 45% of that story is just straight up real events if you were wondering. creepypasta is supposed to be horror that is based on a real life story) The Lyme’s Disease explain a lot. Almost dying as a kid had left me more feeble then the average bare. but this was another conclusion I reached on my own, actually i think a fried gave me the idea, but I had to be my own doctor, my own investigator though so much of this, doctors i talked to, seemed to live by the book. I still don’t have a real diagnosis, even though i am chronically exhausted and in pain half the time. If i work more then 3 hours i get stabbing heart pain like i am dying and it is scary as hell. But i still have mom in my life to tell me i should be motivated to make more money and work more. I don’t want to die just so the world thinks i am a motivated individual.


Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla

We Conquered Love, it’s almost epic

I met this amazing girl recently. I remember thinking that she was the hottest girl in my town/community, and thinking there was no way she would be interested in me. My plan was to talk to her if she wanted it, but not to ‘over focus’ on her, not to make her my main focus or romantic priority. She was inviting right away and invited me to sit next to her at this meetup event. However stuff like this happens to me now and then and i tell myself not to get ‘too attached’ just because I ‘got lucky’ and a pretty girl asked me to sit next to her. I had little connects with her for the following months. But then recently she needed a place to stay and moved in with me in my house where we live with six other friends. From that point on i told myself still not to get ‘too excited’ but after just a few days, something changed, i became much closer to her. Turns out she has a boyfriend and the cynic in me says ‘of course all hot girls are already taken’. i’m kind of selfish at this point in my life, being 29 and single, and am still wanting to pursue her. But it’s only because i also sense she has interest in me. I’ve been trying to get a girlfriend since i was 13. That makes this a 16 year quest lol. I don’t’ like to talk about it that much but i am actually a virgin. I think there is no same in this. I was ready to start a ‘virgins anominous.’ I think there is too much of a ‘race for sex’ with men, and it really isn’t something we need to validate our male pride. For the last 5 our so years i have been more interested in a quest for love then a quest for sex.

I did my best to send her the right signals to this girl. Lets call her Revanna. it’s only now and then. I try not to overwhelm her or come off as needy. They way she looked at me, looked into my eyes, and things she said let me know she liked me. When that happened i tried to give back, to send her the right signal. I like to make it a bit humorous, so it is friendly and not scary, being too direct can be scary or even crude to people. She told me she was “recovering from drug addition” so i told her “funny, many of the girls i really like seem to be recovering drug addicts.” I think she liked that. The statement let her know that i ‘really liked her’ I opened that door. But because it was indirect, it just ‘lets her know’ without forcing her to respond to it. There is a place for being more direct but in this case it wasn’t until after we made love. She told me i was beautiful so at that point it was pretty easy for me to feel safe telling her i felt the same way. I told her she was hot, and she told me i was hot. I never experienced anything so complete. At another point she was telling me that her ex needed anime porn to get off. I ended up telling her something like “I actually watch that too lol. I watched regular porn too though. I guess i need both. I don’t actually like porn that much because it feels kind of aggressive, i don’t really like watching other people have sex, so i guess technically i watch ‘videos of women’ that may or may not be porn.” I told it as kind of a ‘funny story.’ I remember thinking ‘what the fuck kind of dating tactic is this, I am telling her about porn. it was ok because she brought up the subject and i could tell from her personalty that she was ‘cool’ talking about most anything. It felt important to bring the subject up at least once because, to respond to that opening she gave me to talk a few sentences on that topic, because it lets her know that i have those desires. she had told me about her sexual inclinations, her struggle to remain committed to a single person. It felt important that i open up too, otherwise she might actually think that i was too ‘proper’ to have sexual inclination, or some shit, she might just think i wasn’t interested. in the past i would say so little that girls would think i actually wasn’t interested. even when i definitely was. I try to say just enough for them to realize that i have these thoughts and feelings, for them or girls in general, without going overboard. I think because i opened up about these stuff, she felt comfortable to continue opening further to to me, asking to hold my had and ‘cuddle me’.  At one point i was walking around with her outside, and she asked to massage my hand. I tried to make it seem comfortable and natural, like it was ordinary or totally cool, I wanted her to get that i was ok with it, often guys might go overboard and say something too sexual at this point, or say nothing at all. It is actually very simple, almost too simple, but i found that perfect middle ground. I just waited a bit and let her massage my hand, she said “how does that feel?” i said something like “that feels nice.” The old me would have said “that feels fine.” And that would have made her think i didn’t like it. A lot of these things are like strange habits. I think that “fine” is some kind of safe word, because i’m afraid in the past of saying too much. but I knew this time that it was important to say “nice” or “good” and not just “fine”. I think i probably could have done a bit more, i tend to be overly cautious. She told me that she has liked me this entire time. I remember  many times being afraid just to say “hi” to her. I realize i could have been a lot more bold, just in terms of ordinary things like saying high. This girl is 25, she is close to my age. I’ve met some girls who were a bit younger and just not interested. Because of that and my past experiences i tend to assume any girl i like won’t be interested. but that isn’t true any more. In this case she was interested, and I could have been more active in approaching her or saying hi to her. I got lucky that she moved into my house, there are six of us living here as friends. And living together made us way closer.

After things went so well with Revanna I started to reevaluate a few past relationships. I can think of a time from last year where a girl was nice to me but i thought she wasn’t ‘really’ interested. but she said things like “when are we going to go on a date Zack?” the singles were mixed. i thought maybe it was some kind of a joke. but then she was more forward the more recent times i saw her saying things like “Zack is one of my favorite people” to one of my friends. and asking me to go on a walk with her. I remember a day a year ago when we had a chance to hang out but she didn’t talk to me, here head seemed somewhere else. But maybe she just thought i didn’t like here. I think she was ‘going through shit’ but that didn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe she liked me all along. Like with Revanna, i could have included her more. This Revanna girl is so attractive that even though i wasn’t ‘sure’ she wanted to talk, i would just see her and be like “hey!” i tried to make eye contact with her. I remember thinking she wasn’t that responsive. but i think i was being to self critical. Because the next time I saw her she was driving by and she gave me a big wave, then she responded to my friend request on face book. It was that ‘delayed reaction’ effect I referred to in my Naturally Social book at one point. i have so many versions of that book i’m not even sure it made it into the final ones. Sometimes when you give ‘the love’ to someone, i mean in an appropriate way, like saying ‘hello’ they might not ‘appear’ to give back at first. they make a mental note of it and then feel more inclined to ‘give back’ in the future, to say hello in the future. we get discouraged to easily. I’ve even noticed this in myself. once this hot girl was inclusive towards me, she asked me how i was doing. but i couldn’t think of anything interesting to say. it felt like i didn’t have a ‘good’ response to her that reflected her energy / the joy i felt. but then 30 minutes later i got another chance to talk to her. it ended up being a great conversation that when way past my expectations, it just started with me wanting to ‘give back’ a good vibe that she sent me.

I was hanging out with this Revanna girl one night. She told me she wanted to “cuddle me”. We went to her room. She told me to “just relax”. It was compassionate and not ‘annoyed’ or something. It was helpful that she said that. After like 15 or 20 minutes she asked if I wanted to have sex. Like an idiot I said “maybe”. I think i get so content just cuddling or being near a girl that i don’t even want any more. I am used to a very slow rate of escalation, like years or even decades lol. But I immediately remembered that one other time in my life i turned down sex with a beautiful girl. I had my reasons. I wanted a relationship with that girl and i was afraid she just wanted one time sex. But the opportunity never came again. It would have been worth it just for the experience. Life can be so chaotic and unpredictable. I knew that another chance might not come again for like another 2 years or something lol. So after a few seconds i was like “actually, lets have sex.” It was great to have her on top of me. I didn’t realize how much rigorous humping was involved. For 16 years, from when my quest for love stared at the age of 13, till now, i just couldn’t succeed with women. I began to feel hatred inside me. I wondered if women were more ‘evolved’ then men. If they had evolved beyond the need for love. They could focus on there higher passions for art and academic ambition. While men were controlled by base desires for the booty and other sexual inclinations. I told myself stores like this out of hatred, to try and explain things, to make sense of everything. I told myself that women were better and they didn’t need us. It was great to feel this girl humping me, because it made me feel that she was just like i was, that she had the same desires i did and that we could embrace them together. In this strange place where heaven and earth intertwine. We humans are almost like angels in the way we appear yet we have this animal side to us. Society keeps us so straight laced, we block out our desires to maintain a ‘polite’ and appropriate social facade. Some of us feel so timid about our desires that the other gender doesn’t fully realize that we are ‘into’ them. We don’t find creative ways to express our passion to each other.

This girl was kicked out of her place of work for flirting too much. She had to move away to be closer to her new job. I don’t dislike her for that. Many of the girls I like have been ‘flirtatious girls’, those girls tend to have a lot of vibrant energy, because they are always ‘playing the game’, I don’t hate them for that. Love is unpredictable and they survive by keeping there options open. I might do the same thing if i was hot to the extent that everyone wanted me they way it seems to be with this girl. I’m just happy that i was in her life. This is a really beautiful girl, so when she told me i was her “best physical encounter” that really blew my mind. Even though she had to move away only 2 weeks after moving into my house, moving was the last thing she wanted, and i still feel really connected to her, we talk a lot by phone and text. Neither of us have cars, but that doesn’t stop the connection. Apparently she broke up with her boyfriend. She told me many times that she wanted to break up with him for various reaction, like he was a few years younger then her, long distance, still in school, and way to eager to get married after only being together a few months. I was tempted to say, “i won’t do any of those things” because i won’t, but i thought it was better just to listen and help with her conflict. Even though i had an obvious interest in there bring a ‘particular outcome’ as to the ending of her relationship, I didn’t push for that at all, it wouldn’t benefit me to be pushy anyway, i just acted exactly as a fried would act to listen to her and to help her make the right decision for herself. And as a separate subject in separate moments i let her know that i liked her. She told me i had a beautiful mind body and soul. she told me i was hot. I told her she was hot. I told her I loved her, “but not in a possessive way” I added. I was afraid the world “love” might be scary because it implies a ‘strong attachment’. But she said it was sweet. I still find myself being careful not to come off as too attached. I haven’t even talked to her about the boyfriend subject in a while since she moved away 2 weeks ago, but i noticed her relationship status on Facebook vanished, and 3 days later i reappeared as “single”. I can still see him posting to her on face book. It sounds like she let him down easy. Just because she is single i’m not assuming she wants to be with me. Now there is a bit more of a distance between us. But i’m not assuming she doesn’t want to be with me either. I had a few friends tell me “they didn’t want me to get hurt” from me telling them the story. that feels way to negative. I mean, any time you open that door there is the possibility of getting hurt, intact it is almost gaurenttee, yet it is worth it all the same. I am used to hot girls being really complicated and hard to get with, compared to some of the stuff i have dealt with in the past, this girl is totally easy. Even tough our time together was short lived, I’ve never felt so validated, the relationship with her felt so complete. She said all kinds of things, that she liked my smile and thought it was so genuine. She even said she liked my pelvis or some shit lol. once she started saying stuff like that it became much easier to open up and feel safe saying the feelings i had to her. I always find myself holding back a bit, i like to play it cool, i don’t want to gush or dump all my feeling on her, maybe it’s just because i’ve been hurt so many times.

There was this great moment when she was standing on the other end of the living room taking a selfie, she looked damn fine, so i said as much. I was like “damn, who is the girl in that picture, she is so hot!!” the picture on the phone was just her reflection basically in the camera of course. When i said that she got this great smile then and ran over and sat next to me. then she took a picture of me. This was another way I let her know i think she is hot but did it in this humorous light hearted kind of way.

I had all kinds of deep conversations with her but most of this was after we already had sex. People say that i have great listening skills but they only come out when i’m around really hot women lol. I’m just glad to have these skills at all. They are really simple, but it took a long ass time to get it, to get how simple it really is. It’s really simple in the short term, being with people and listening to them, but in the long run, i end up soaking up quite a lot of information and i can rattle of the most relevant insight or piece of information for all kinds of situations. The old me would always try too hard in the moment then burn out after a few hours. What i am doing now, it is like a “stylistic application of nothing” compared to what i used to do. I am just enjoining myself. I try to always grow my connections with others. I joke around now and then. I don’t make constant jokes, i take breaks and try to wait for the right moment, but people say they like my humor. My jokes are always related to what is happening in the present moment.  I’m always commenting on some kind of funny situation. I feel connected to the people in my hows, i think Revanna sensed that. so there was already a foundation for us to connect, for her to get to know me even before we stared having long conversations. I like humor, I like to take a difficult situation and put a creative spin on it, make it lighthearted, I do it because it makes me feel good, I actually do it for myself but other people like it, i like it because they like it, and they like it because i like it. Most of the deep conversations i had with Revanna weren’t till after we had sex, but they were important for furthering the relationship. She was forced to leave too soon, but it is still my most successful romantic interaction.

I think a lot of guys like me are afraid of the ‘friend zone’ this idea that if you don’t get the relationship to ‘heat up’ fast enough you will get stuck being ‘just friends’ for ever. Even the word friend starts to take a negative connotation, like it becomes senomonious with ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worth of love’ / something more. At the same time i know that becoming someones friend means you can have them around for life where if you are only romantically involved and not really friends, once the relationship is over that’s it. I’ve seen people who were dating stay friends for years after they broke up and possibly forever. I’ve also herd stories about people who were friends for years and years and finely at a certain point realizing that they wanted something more, even that they were perfect for each other. I think there is something essential that makes that difference. For me it is ‘party therapy’, it is being connected to the energy, harnessing the ‘good vibes’ of people and having self kindness, self love, being connected to yourself, etc. I believe if one can do this you can ‘break out’ of the friend zone, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been in that zone with someone for one year or 15 years, if you tap into the natural effortless ‘good vibes’ they will -feel- attracted to you to the point that they can’t help but want to be with you. it goes beyond logic. the friend zone becomes kind of like the matrix, it is possible to glitch out of the matrix, to unplug, by harnessing the power good vibes, and learning to be a more chill confident person. I notice i still have this fear of getting stuck in a friend zone, but maybe it is something i need to get over.

Natural Synergy


It is Ok to be Attracted to Girls (the opposite sex)

This sounds like an obvious statement. However I used to think that it wasn’t ok to show girls you were attracted to them, not under any circumstances. I always got the feeling and the signal that they weren’t interested, and even looking at them, making eye contact could be bothersome for them. I felt the feelings were not appropriate to have at all, or even that women were ‘above’ those feelings that men had, and that I had to suppress or ignore them

However I was making a lot of assumptions. It is easier to see now that the assumptions came from a place of insecurity and self doubt. Low self image. There is a ‘right way’ to express those feelings, and it doesn’t even have to be that complicated. It’s just about simple stuff like saying “hello” and being around people and sending the right small yet appropriate signals. Not even to every single person, it’s ok just to say it to people you find interesting. Adding a little light hearted humor into the way you say things. And also a big one is approaching people / the opposite sex, in a way that is compassionate and helpful because frequently people are ‘dealing’ with something, and may appreciate a helping hand, literally or metaphorically, it often just means being their to listen. We think we have to use all these complex pickup-lines but often girls just want a guy who will be there to listen.

Now when I see girls I like, I am finding simple appropriate ways to let them know I like them. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. And sometimes even if you know the right way, it might not work on certain people, like if they are too shy. Yet I’ve seen this work in all kinds of places, even at work where relationship are not allowed, I will be making tons of eye contact with cute girls/women and feeling connection and chemistry to them. It is all very ‘appropriate’. Yet keeping things appropriate allows me to feel lots of great feelings of connection or attraction without ever ‘crossing any lines.’

Even if a girl has a boyfriend she often won’t have a problem with this, because she will see you as a friend, yet the attraction will still be fully there, it is quite different from a ‘friend zone’ where she thinks you are safe or smart or reliable but feels no attraction. Just learning how to make more rhythmic eye contact and enjoy her company, focus less on your anxiety if you have that, is already a way to get out of this ‘friend zone’. I don’t agree that the friend zone is permanent, I think it can be changed in a single day if you have learned to cultivate chill and good vibes in yourself. They will always respond to the vibes and feel attracted and it isn’t about the words. Always make sure not to over-focus on her, in the moment or thought the day, cultivate good vibes through being around and enjoy the company of groups of different people, look for people you like ‘your peers’ people you think are cool, this will grow the incentive, and remind yourself ‘I deserve to be around people like this’.

Also it is very good to have many friends of the opposite sex, particular those you are attracted to, this will add to a seance of contentment so you don’t over-focus on one girl. See the beauty in many different people. As I like to say “I like all the flavors.” The blonds, red heads brunets, skinny girls, thick girls. They all have different yet special qualities. When I first began feeling attracting I would fixate on one or two girls and ignore 100 others. Now I notice just taking time to look at people more I will start to notice how attractive they are, some girls don’t stand out right away, their qualities are subtle, but when you notice them they can become very profound or even additive.

Once it took me 3 weeks to notice this girl was even attractive, but now I think she is the most cute and adorable girl I know. With some girls it is right away. Sometimes it takes me 5 seconds to notice a girl is really hot. Some qualities can be hidden at first, but when you are looking for them and know they are there you find them faster. Sure it sounds perverted in some aspects, yet by doing this I find myself noticing and feeling attracted to a broad spectrum of girls. I am seeing the unique qualities of a large group of different people. And it makes it way easier not to fixate on a specific girl.

I bumped into this pretty girl one the street who is the front desk secretary at work. I was like “hey!” I try to emote the emotion I feel in a simple way when I say hello. I don’t mean talking ‘louder’, that’s a common confusing that louder is better or more exciting. I just mean that I try to put the genuine emotion i am feeling into my voice and eyes. I notice often they will respond to that. She responded like “hey!” right back. I felt that she was fully responsive just to me showing some enthusiasm, she felt she could show it back. I haven’t had any real conversations with her before, but just giving her a “hey!” with a little energy seemed to create a connection with her the old me would have never known was possible. It was really ’emotion’ more then loudness. Just by choosing to ‘feel’ that emotion to attracted-ness or love for her, to focus on it and stir it back up in that moment as i say “hey” she can actually feel what I am feeling.

This is because emotions are chemicals in the brain and those chemicals will teleport over to her mirror neurons, just kidding, I find our current scientific view to be confining, even primitive. I like to see the emotions as energetic electric (or bioptotonic) waves or pulses generated from the heart. The chemicals and hormones are part of it, but the energetic wave part may be even more important.

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“Everything in the universe, including your body, is controlled by energy.”

Often people just ‘get louder’ to show you they are interested, this really irritates me actually, and it’s funny because when I was trying to get girls i did this all the time. It’s funny when people are like shouting in your face “hello! good morning!” And you are like “hey…” ‘back up a bit’. It’s like they are disappointed you didn’t congratulate them on their great social skills. Often these shouter type people are the ones telling me to work on my social skills. I’m like, ok, whatever you say. Often this being loud and socially forceful is what passes for ‘great social skills’ or a ‘social role-model’ in our society, it really pisses me off. Then when people get irritated by it that type of person will be like “oh it is because they don’t have social skills. they are just ‘struggling’.”

It’s annoying that being yourself is considered ‘struggling’ to some people. Going at your own pace, taking time to yourself. Not enjoying people who are forceful hyper or condescending. I’ve seen this with lots of people and not just me. If you socialize in a different way that doesn’t mean you need to read 10 self improvement books and go to rigorous yoga classes every day, you don’t need a big depressing intervention and social shaming for your ‘problem’. Maybe the way you socialize is right for you. People will always say heavy/serious and confusing things about how you need to ‘improve’ yourself. It’s a mindfuck and I’ve been so much better off ever since i just stared turning in out. I’m not ‘hiding’ or running from the truth. I just finally after many years realized that all that self improvement stuff wasn’t working for me, a lot of it is bullshit. I was running in circles all my life. Finally i realized that the common wisdom of ‘trying hard and harder’ just didn’t make sense. I socialize in my own different way, and i am way happier then i have ever been, I hang around more but i have my own totally unique methods. I just enjoy myself mostly. I see myself as worthy. Girls dig me now.

It is funny there are a bunch of people who tell me about how I am “struggling.” Because I have my own way of doing this. I’m like “I am actually a lot better then I have ever been.” The old me never got girls. But he was academically and athletically a success. I could get A’s and B’s. I could run 5 or even 10 miles a few times each week. I did martial arts. I meditated a lot. I had discipline. I was a success in many ways, but my heart was overcome by a deep emptiness. Things like love and creativity, the things that really mattered to my heart, they eluded me, i was always ‘blocked’ creatively and socially. I’m so much more satisfied now. Yet people are always looking to improve something, even now.

People are always looking to improve or tell others how to improve, but it actually becomes a deceptive pursuit. I’m like “Actually I am pretty content, I think I turned out really well.” I’ve been through some difficult situations but I have skills to handle it well, I really beat the odds. People with higher authority roles over me tell me I need to learn to love myself, that I’m not motivated, that I expect something for nothing, that I am biased by privilege, that I need to improve my social skills, they say all kinds of funny things when I don’t just ‘do what they say’ it’s a way of controlling you. It’s not real. People live there lives conforming to patterns that don’t really benefit anyone, and it is scary when you question those patterns. Because it means that they really have been hurting themselves and others all this time.

There are actually lots of beautiful girls at my work. Guess I lucked out… though I’m not allowed to have relationships with them, that’s the catch, yet I feel great being around them and I develop friendships with them. The old me would have focused on one of them and been sad that it never amounted to anything more. Now I focus on a who range of people and or girls, but I work on my friend connections with all of them. It’s not really a ‘friend zone’ because I feel chemistry with them, some more then others, it feels like good practice for the real thing. It is good experience and it also makes me seem popular or desirable. Maybe that sounds superficial but it helps when a girl comes along who actually is available. This really amazing hot girl came into my life recently and I will wright about that more in another post.


Depletion vs Depression vs Stress

Depletion is different from, yet can make our bodies more susceptible to, stress or depression. This was a side note in another article, but then I realized it deserved it’s own article.

I call this low energy state ‘depletion’ or ‘drain’ but it is NOT the same as depression… and not the same as sadness, even though they all can feed into each other. Depletion is an absence of phonic light energy in the body, like physical exhaustion, while sadness is an emotional response to an event or circumstance. This is not a clear distinction at all for many people, but it is very distinct and can be offensive to confuse them. Depletion is also not the same as stress, yet a depleted body is weak and will succumb of physical strain or stress much more easily, so they are connected in that way. Our society knows a lot about stress, but for me -depletion- (cellular energetic depletion) is an even bigger underlying root problem we know almost nothing about too often. For a while I was even calling depletion depression and then I had this moment where I was like, “wait, these are two importantly different things”, but when people repeat something a lot, it boggles your brain, it influences you. You want to say what is ready to be understood, yet you don’t want to be a sucker and completely give up on the point you were making just because your afraid of push back.


Depletion is about the absence of energies our eyes can’t see (waves of light and sound, and magnetism), though we CAN see the EFFECTS of this energy or the effects of its absence. On the other hand, we often blame stress or anxiety because they seem like more tangible phenomenon, easier to spot and articulate, yet it’s really only half or 45% of the story. In fact if I have a hard day I will tell people i’m stressed because they get that right away, if I tell them I’m depleted they don’t know what i’m talking about, or think that I’m depressed and try to talk it out of me. If you say exhausted that implies you were working out, but you can become very depleted just from standing still too long, being still to long is actually uncomfortable for the body and causes energy to leek out. You can become depleted just form being near stressful, or depleted, people too long, or being stuck in a very blank drab un-stimulating room. Or taking refuge from the boredom of school or work in a place that has no people. Board during the day and socially depleted in the evening. Sometimes people can be together we but the community isn’t right, no one is having fun. It takes a larger community to undo depletion sometimes, a couple anxious friendships just aren’t enough to make up for an absence of connection and harmony and fun in the larger community.

Depression is its own significant and different thing, it may not be a choice, it can be deep built up sadness caused by many absences or negative events happening over years. I may not be doing depression justice, this article is more about depletion so i’ll stick to what i know, and the definitions have been been blurred, i wonder that a lot of what we call depression stress or anxiety in my mind is really rooted in and caused by depletion. And the words do matter because they can have different implications. The word -depletion- hits home for me that many of these problems are rooted in a physical absence of energy in the cells, not just an emotion or a ‘choice’ that certain people are not making… and not laziness or a lack of will power either.

Now I think there are many cases of depletion that are misdiagnosed as depression. A depleted person is very motivated, and struggling with the physical limitations that their body just can’t do the things they want to or feel connected to people for some reason.  Antidepressants may not do the trick. Many doctors are dying to hand them out and convince you that you have depression or one of their many diagnoses that you may not have at all. Many of these so-called disorders really I find have very little to do with the mind and the brain or permanent brain damage.. that is possible, even then damage may not be in the mind maybe another places of the body. I find a lot of these so-called disorders can be healed through the right kinds of environments through the energy of people practicing being around people every day and learning to enjoy the company of others and not see others as threatening. These  experiences of being blocked or having invisible walls in life can be healed through the power of play, learning and practicing how to play in harmony with others and enjoy yourself with others and practicing experiencing this every day just for a few weeks or months.  Bringing a variety of different types of play into your day and learning to cultivate that enjoyment, that feeling in your heart. and not getting obsessed over one singular activity  over and over for weeks and weeks, but having a variety of different ways of having a fun, yet not straining or forcing your body.  I find playful experiences with others such as going on a trip an adventure with people whom I like, to be extremely healing and transformative of all my physical problems or feelings of being blocked. things like medication have actually left me sedated, increasingly tired,  different pills I’ve tried that were recommended by doctors have left me worse off. I find doctors actually persist to give me them sometimes  I want to make things worse.  it’s almost like they do this out of this intense compulsion or force of habit.  This Fear to question or go against the norm. Despite all the great results I’ve got in from the power of people and play doctors still  whimsically handout meds to, I don’t know, millions of people I’m afraid to imagine the number.  Even things like a lot of the social coaching I’ve got and the mandatory karate lessons left me feeling exhausted and burnt out, feeling like making friends is this agonizing effort but never quite gives back what you want and the people you’re really attracted to always seem unattainable.  School ever did was teach me to place my intellect before my feelings and desires to top me to feel insecure like I had to impress friends by being a really smart genius person I didn’t realize I was doing it but I was always trying to be his cleverness to when our friends but my mind will just go blank from the pressure of not having any creative are good ideas I could never  Santa follow what people are talking about but it was only because I was stressed because I was making things so much more complicated than they ever needed to be her middle school just over complicated everything and took the fun out of life. Now just being around groups of people, sometimes in the festival type atmosphere when possible, I get my daily or weekly dose of human energy I just receive the energy now, go to the places that make me feel good when possible, and I don’t see it as an effort or challenge at all it’s just like eating food. I practice this playful attitude and I just be around people and it’s very effortless and I get way more results than I did with anything else before. sometimes attractive girls walk up to me and after a few days  my top pick girl is spending entire days with me back to back and she’s holding my hand and kissing me 3 times in one day. And it all feels very natural like the way it always supposed to have been. I nearly did anything.  I kept meeting her eyes and then she would say “hey get over here!” and I would just follow her.  That’s the most rewarding feeling when a babe is telling you “get over here”.  Everything society taught me I felt so forced and calculated I could never seem to access this inner energy and power in myself. I really have to cultivate that just through a pure enjoyment an almost indulgent enjoyment of being in the company of people and people I like and places I like when possible.. AND having an attitude of play even in difficult situations. equally making the most of difficult places or circumstances by always finding the fun in my job, in class, even when I have to work a mundane job, enjoying the company of all the people at that job. But still it is really just about enjoyment and not force and pain and agony the way I was raised. (sorry I’m using text to speech now and it has an atrocious errors I’m gonna have to go back and fix them)  entire life seems like a joke holding this girls hand and it happened so effortlessly it’s almost like she’s coming onto me I didn’t even do anything she was rubbing her ass on my crotch and grabbing my hand and dragging me down the halls it’s exhilarating and unreal like I don’t even know it’s happening anymore. I used  to put so much thought into getting the right timing and I’ll grab a girls hand just to have her let go or pull away.  It’s sort of like that scene in the movie office space I’m just having a party all the time now everything I was doing before it’s just a joke, endlessly tinkering away for years at tedious art projects hoping that one day I would be famous and have a girlfriend.  Or becoming the fastest runner on my team and running these 8 mile runs and still feel like a loser who has no friends for some reason.  All this effort was absolutely for no reason. now all I do is imagine that I’m always having a party, it’s just this ‘party attitude’ and good things just keep building up.  I treat others with compassion for the suffering and challenges they go through that often get overlooked yet I’m always having fun even the compassion is part of the fun because it opens the way at all that connected energy human, to the adventure of leaning about people. Even talking about my problems can be fun because it helps me relate to people and them relate to me.

Depletion is a significant absence of energy that effects the material body, it can be caused by many things, and often is caused by many things at once, not just one, or rather the absence of many things or factors that should be there. It’s illusive because the body can repel or bounce back from one negative element, so we can never find that ‘one cause’ depletion usually happens when there are so many negative elements in ones life, that it causes their energetic body to collapse in on itself. It requires many cures, or positive influences. That’s why one ‘cure’ may not be enough. The body is strong and often it takes more then one thing to bring it down, in many cases. So lets explore all those factors!

Environment matters a lot. I often see coaches working with depleted people and trying to ‘motivate’ them out of it. And this is what leads to the viscous cycle of stress, we think we are not good enough, never trying hard enough, if i just try ‘harder’ it will work.. it never does. The truth is being depleted is actually very hard already, and the solution is to soak up some good energy. To find the right environments, the right self-talk, learning to treat yourself with kindness, learning you deserve to put yourself in places that make you feel good, hang around people that make you feel good. rearranging your furniture, bringing more color and light into your house, putting up pictures that make you feel good, putting your well-being first. being around others, yet not chasing and sacrificing yourself for them. you can’t ‘motivate’ the photons back into your bodies cells. it’s actually a very enjoyable process, it’s about finding the rhythm and practice reining these energies. I spent a long time battling and stressing and motivating myself to succeed, but i found it very fruitless, stress that creates more stress, it eventually leads to a kind of insanity, and your willing to do anything and believe anything (i see this all the time), and that only gives fuel to the idea that ‘trying harder’ in this self forceful way will lead to results. At the end of the day i’m not offering immortality, it’s just a series of subtle yet significant shifts…. It can be easy to say ‘open more windows?’ that’s not that important’, or ‘decorate my house with colorful inspiring posters?’ i’ll get to that another time, or ‘variety sounds good but i like this activity more, so i will do this one activity all day’, yet when you combine all these energetic benefits, your standard of wellness can increase a lot, it magnetically shifts the body/heart, to create an upwards pull, your own gravitational center if you will, you cultivate enough personal satisfaction or deep vital energy, that you over come the exhaustive pull over gravity (not enough to fly) but you body will feel a lot lighter and more agile.

It’s a critical mass, where the positive forces in your life overcome the negative forces, it involves everyone and everything, but you don’t have to think about it all or make it complicated, it’s a lot of subtle benefits, but it adds up to create a dramatic shift, where now effortless momentum, photonic and magnetic energy, is working in your personal favor. before it was bleeding out into the ground. but now reaching a certain mass of energy, it becomes perpetual motion, ‘flow’ as many call it (without always explaining all the forces involved) and this body energy can make so many parts of life a lot easier and more beneficial to people around you. a depleted body suffers AND pulls people around them down too, like a black hole, it sucks in so many ways and is the hardest thing ever. Cultivate a critical mass of energy, and you benefit and others benefit. depleted people are not bad or lazy. There are so many stigmas about this it is crazy. When we realize that people who fall into the pull of gravity, these downward energies, and actually just waiting for their potential energy to be unblocked, we begin to see many more people as comrades, and support and love them rather then criticize them because we think they are ‘not trying’, which can’t be farther from the truth.


2019 note:

Please support me by buying my book so I can spend more time giving Natural Social Therapy (Party Therapy) to the world. I am struggling a lot with money and it is hard to get the project running or even make a basic living in today’s society.

For too long people have lived out entire lifetimes repeating basic trauma patterns and not living fulfilling lives while the rich blame the poor for being ‘unmotivated’ and many people suffer, suicide become the only way out for many. Our current society is not working. I think a better world is fully possible. All it takes is awareness.

Natural Synergy healing “click for video”
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“If you could eliminate certain outside frequencies that interfered with our bodies, we would have greater resistance toward disease.” – Nikola Tesla


Too often Pain & Sadness is mistaken for Anger & Disapproval

Sometimes we grow up feeling like we aren’t good enough. By default we expect to have to ‘earn’ others approval. That if we don’t ‘try’ or do anything impressive, our natural normal relaxed self will be disliked.

Another could be tired, exhausted, lonely, depressed, sad, about something that has nothing to do with us, yet in this ‘I’m not good enough state’, it becomes about us, we read our fears into their tiredness, we think they are tired with us, they are disapproving of us. However so often people are really just exhausted with things that have nothing to do with us, this person they just met, or a near aquenace, they aren’t really judging you very much at all, so when getting to know people, it’s really essential to see that their pain has nothing to do with us, it is not caused by something ‘we did’ just now, it has a deep history that has nothing to do with us. Then we can separate their pain from us. And people and strangers become much more approachable. When I come from a place of trust and self trust, instead of self doubt, then it becomes easier to see that this person is frequently not mad with me, that they are in fact actually sad or in pain about what can be a great many things starting before you arrived or years ago, you might just call it the inherent pain of life.

Not taking their pain personally, and not expecting them to be happy, seeing that it is ok to be drained or disgruntled actually allows the other person to feel safe, they can let down their guard, and don’t have to always ‘act happy’ they don’t have to worry about the stress of doing that. They don’t have to act happy purely to protect us from taking sadness or lameness personal, because they can see that we are accepting of all the moods. This humanness is actually a place for deeer connection than the forced happy. They see we had a hard day to and they feel our humanity. They feel closer to us, and may tell us something deep about their day they would not have said if they felt pressure to be upbeat or nice. Sometimes all the niceness becomes like a cover to protect from the fear of the silence between people, it creates pressure for everyone to act nice and upbeat yet then the sad emotions and personal human struggles never come out so we feel strangely distanced. The ‘nice guys finish last’ thing. The sadness or pain becomes a good thing, because we have accept it is there, is not about us, and it becomes something we can have compassion for, an opening to connect, a reason to just be together and listen, or lower standards and expectations. it takes off the stress of having to pretend everything is “great” all the time. We can worry less about offending each other and take more time just enjoying ourselves in each others company.

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“If we only mask the symptoms, we’ll have them for life.”