Meditative Letting go and Nihilism blurred

There’s a phenomena going around. I noticed with many meditators in various groups I’ve joined they began finding that by siting still for long periods.. and letting go of thought, over weeks and months they were actually starting to experience feelings of emptiness and detachment, rather then positive sensations of being connected to the universe. In class the Master assured us “Thats not it, meditation is all about feeling connected to the universe”, yet for some reason many students in the west weren’t experiencing that. Something was causing many of us to epxericen something different even while performing the same meditation. We were all doing standard meditation, notching fancy or esoteric specialized version. I had been preforming longer and longer meditations myself, I had been noting the same thing, and began noticing that others were having this experience too, though they too found it hard to talk about, because it seemed to fly in the face of everything we were practicing and being taught, and we didn’t have an alternative solution. “i just want to be sure that i’m doing it right” i remember one student saying. the master said “more meditation, trust the practice” but i reaciznied that like myself, this student was devoted and performing the right practice, yet he was falling into this same dilemma, the empty meditation. being devoted to your practice, yet coming out less satisfied inside of more.

“Negatives should be replaced with positives” yogi david told me (in essence) when i asked about this dilemma to the guru. that was a resaruign stament, yet i hadn’t actually heard much about this, and it seemed like more of the teachings renoforced a kind of letting go of all atachemtns. ‘service’ was the positive that was encouraged, so i detoed myself much to this in recent years. to try and rediscover that postive meditation expreice. i was around people more and finding ways to benefit them, i spent lots of time with deep listening and being present with people because i found that felt right and i let my feelings guide me. and then when i returned to meditations i did find some of the positive feeling had retured.

Yet after years of this there was a kind of dropping out in my energy. It wasn’t creating the same good feeling or energy benefit any more. It was at this time that i began noticing that enviomrent really effects me, positive simulating enviomernts with sunlight, verses blank walled in environments with drap colors, no simulation, nothing interesting or fun going on. (there i go using the word fun, i’m getting ahead of myself). This made me think a lot, these meditators who were having empty and neshilstic feelings during meditation, they were all from the city, the apartment style life. When the guru himself lived in japan, my other guru lived in (i can’t remember now) they whet back overseas to out door well lit environments that revoved around nature. We city meditators spent a lot of time indoors. I even began to wonder that the body itself preofmend a kind of photosysntis, that our cells might infact absorbs light, because i notice how much a sunlight out door enviormnt could boost my energy during meditation vs mediating indoors facing the wall. Biophoton-4 copy.jpg

It was true all along, (we weren’t lying), we were all doing the right meditation practice, but the physical location of WHERE we did it, was aurally having a hug impact on our health and energetic wellbeing.

Meditating_in_Madison_Square_Park.jpg

I recall my master/guru saying “Even back in my home country, i go to ashram, and many meditators they have ego! they don’t realize it, but they develop ego!” i could picture what he was saying in my head, that stiff persona, but now looking back on this after being so far down that path myself i wonder that perhaps, all these meditators were actually ding the -right practice- yet it was actually CAUSING their bodies to become STIFF, deflated! I even remember this guru saying that he himself had days that were just sort of off and he didn’t know why, even after doing devoted meditation practice. I notice this, because i was already wounding if there was something significant that all of us were missing including the master. The master was having similar problems to all of us, yet because he was cultured in to be a master and loved by all of us as the master, it made it easier for him to see himself as the guru and play the role of the wise teacher in his life, and no disrespect to that.

And i haven’t even gotten into how i then disoverd that sitting still too long can be a problem, and that the body really needs a big dose of fun, dynamic creative movement and engagement, every day, to thrive. My sense of buddshim back then did not meet all the dynamic needs of my human body that i now understand better. Meditation was a tenie i tried, budissms was there for me at a time i needed something different, yet buddhists didn’t offer the detail on how to meet the more dynamic needs of my body, nor would i expect it to have had all the answers, yet it lead me forward to discovering something that did work more for me. So if your practicing buddhism, mediate out doors kids, or near windows, and i promote shorted meditations over then longer ones. 15 minutes is actually better then 3 hours in my opinion. Spend this rest of the time engaging in the world, or relaxing in other ways. The body needs to sprawl out, lay back, lean, bend. Were not built to hold one pose for too long. I learned this the hard way, don’t screw yourself like i did lol.

Also  i realized the meditation i had known empasiesed ‘letting go of thought’ ‘clear mind’, it encouraged silliness, yet i realized much of my life had already been shaped and molded by stillness, hours of sitting still in class, my dose of that was already over full. now i’m more about allowing whatever thought some to come, fun thoughts, i realize the mind and body is in consiousant motion, on a subtle level, it seems like something we don’t talk about, but their is a deep reason for that, it’s rare or impossible to have a moment when the mind is completely clear or blank, or the body is perfectly still. some meditation teachers implied it was possible or even the goal. yet while i love relaxation and inner pease, i now realize there is deep reason why the body so much of the time needs at least a little subtle motion, matter itself is always vibrating, and now i underhand our bodies need this motion too, always honoring this subtle vibration. I promote being comparable allowing your worries to fade that is a big one, finding joy in uncreitniy, the ibetween and unplanned moments. hoping for and drawing my attention to a ‘clear mind’ in a way drew, me into my ~mind~, now i focus my attion more on having a ~full heart~ and i find this results in peace of mind as well. much of my life was also conditioned to value the mind, long before i got into meditiotn, yet for so much of this time i never realized how central the heart is in just about everything, it really is the bodies powerhose, now i find i almost always am taking care of it, consciously, or just out of habit. listening to meditation instructors now i realize many talk about ‘allowing whatever thoughts arise in your mind to arise without judgment of them, no need to control them’ so there is a lot of buddhism i still agree with, no one told me ‘stop your thoughts’ maybe it was sort of implied by some, i was sort of lead there by a series of vague instructions or well intended mistakes, because buddhsim is incomplete, like anything, much is mysterious and unfinished, so here i merely provide my ‘addition’ to what is already there! and caution about certain pitfalls. i don’t blame my teachers or anyone at all, most people live 90 years or less, and that just isn’t enough time to know everything. most of us pick something and get attached emotionally, because we just don’t have time to figure it all out, it’s important to recognize that and realize even teachers that speak confidently or are highly regarded still have much they don’t know, but maybe you know that already 🙂

Depletion vs Depression vs Stress

Depletion is different from, yet can make our bodies more susceptible to, stress or depression. This was a side note in another article, but then I realized it deserved it’s own article.

I call this low energy state ‘depletion’ or ‘drain’ but it is NOT the same as depression… and not the same as sadness, even though they all can feed into each other. Depletion is an absence of photonic light energy in the body, like physical exhaustion, while sadness is an emotional response to an event or circumstance. This is not a clear distinction at all for many people, but it is very distinct and can be offensive to confuse them. Depletion is also not the same as stress, yet a depleted body is weak and will sucumb of physical strain or stress much more easily, so they are connected in that way. Our society knows a lot about stress, but for me -depletion- (cellular energetic depletion) is an even bigger underlying root problem we know almost nothing about too often. For a while I was even calling depletion depression and then I had this moment where I was like, “wait, these are two importantly different things”, but when people repeat something a lot, it boggles your brain, it influences you. You want to say what is ready to be understood, yet you don’t want to be a sucker and completely give up on the point you were making just because your afraid of push back.

battery-low-wallpaper-hd-by-neutondesigns-d4tb8kb.jpg

Depletion is about the absence of energies our eyes can’t see (waves of light and sound, and magnetism), though we CAN see the EFFECTS of this energy or the effects of its absence. On the other hand, we often blame stress or anxiety because they seem like more tangible phenomenon, easer to spot and articulate, yet it’s really only half or 45% of the story. In fact if i have a hard day i will tell people i’m stressed because they get that right away, if i tell them i’m depleted they don’t know what i’m talking about, or think that i’m depressed and try to talk it out of me. If you say exhausted that implies you were working out, but you can become very depleted just from standing still too long, being still to long is actually uncomfortable for the body and causes energy to leek out. You can become depleted just form being near stressful, or depleated, people too long, or being stuck in a very blank drab unstimulating room. Or taking refuge from the boredom of school or work in a place that has no people. Board during the day and socially depleated in the evening. Sometimes people can be togeathwe but the community isn’t right, no one is having fun. It takes a larger community to undo depleation sometimes, a couple anxious friendships just aren’t enough to make up for an absence of connection and harmony and fun in the larger community.

Depression is its own signicant and different thing, it may not be a choice, it can be deep built up sadness caused by many absences or negitive events happening over years. I may not be doing depression justice, this article is more about depletion so i’ll stick to what i know, and the definitions have been been blurred, i wonder that a lot of what we call depression stress or anxiety in my mind is really rooted in and caused by depletion. And the words do matter because they can have different implications. The word -depletion- hits home for me that many of these problems are rooted in a physical absence of energy in the cells, not just an emotion or a ‘choice’ that certain people are not making… and not laziness or a lack of will power either.

Now I think there are many cases of depleation that are misdiagnosed as depression. A depleted person is very motivated, and struggling with the physical limitations that their body just can’t do the things they want to or feel connected to people for some reason.  Antidepressants may not do the trick. Many doctors are dying to hand them out and convince you that you have depression or one of their many diagnoses that you may not have at all. Many of these so-called disorders really I find have very little to do with the mind and the brain or permanent brain damage.. that is possible, even then damage may not be in the mind maybe another places of the body. I find a lot of these so-called disorders can be healed through the right kinds of environments through the energy of people practicing being around people every day and learning to enjoy the company of others and not see others as threatening. These  experiences of being blocked or having invisible walls in life can be healed through the power of play, learning and practicing how to play in harmony with others and enjoy yourself with others and practicing experiencing this every day just for a few weeks or months.  Bringing a variety of different types of play into your day and learning to cultivate that enjoyment, that feeling in your heart. and not getting obsessed over one singular activity  over and over for weeks and weeks, but having a variety of different ways of having a fun, yet not straining or forcing your body.  I find playful experiences with others such as going on a trip an adventure with people whom I like, to be extremely healing and transformative of all my physical problems or feelings of being blocked. things like medication have actually left me sedated, increasingly tired,  different pills I’ve tried that were recommended by doctors have left me worse off. I find doctors actually persist to give me them sometimes  I want to make things worse.  it’s almost like they do this out of this intense compulsion or force of habit.  This Fear to question or go against the norm. Despite all the great results I’ve got in from the power of people and play doctors still  whimsically handout meds to, I don’t know, millions of people I’m afraid to imagine the number.  Even things like a lot of the social coaching I’ve got and the mandatory karate lessons left me feeling exhausted and burnt out, feeling like making friends is this agonizing effort but never quite gives back what you want and the people you’re really attracted to always seem unattainable.  School ever did was teach me to place my intellect before my feelings and desires to top me to feel insecure like I had to impress friends by being a really smart genius person I didn’t realize I was doing it but I was always trying to be his cleverness to when our friends but my mind will just go blank from the pressure of not having any creative are good ideas I could never  Santa follow what people are talking about but it was only because I was stressed because I was making things so much more complicated than they ever needed to be her middle school just over complicated everything and took the fun out of life. Now just being around groups of people, sometimes in the festival type atmosphere when possible, I get my daily or weekly dose of human energy I just receive the energy now, go to the places that make me feel good when possible, and I don’t see it as an effort or challenge at all it’s just like eating food. I practice this playful attitude and I just be around people and it’s very effortless and I get way more results than I did with anything else before. sometimes attractive girls walk up to me and after a few days  my top pick girl is spending entire days with me back to back and she’s holding my hand and kissing me 3 times in one day. And it all feels very natural like the way it always supposed to have been. I nearly did anything.  I kept meeting her eyes and then she would say “hey get over here!” and I would just follow her.  That’s the most rewarding feeling when a babe is telling you “get over here”.  Everything society taught me I felt so forced and calculated I could never seem to access this inner energy and power in myself. I really have to cultivate that just through a pure enjoyment an almost indulgent enjoyment of being in the company of people and people I like and places I like when possible.. AND having an attitude of play even in difficult situations. equally making the most of difficult places or circumstances by always finding the fun in my job, in class, even when I have to work a mundane job, enjoying the company of all the people at that job. But still it is really just about enjoyment and not force and pain and agony the way I was raised. (sorry I’m using text to speech now and it has an atrocious errors I’m gonna have to go back and fix them)  entire life seems like a joke holding this girls hand and it happened so effortlessly it’s almost like she’s coming onto me I didn’t even do anything she was rubbing her ass on my crotch and grabbing my hand and dragging me down the halls it’s exhilarating and unreal like I don’t even know it’s happening anymore. I used  to put so much thought into getting the right timing and I’ll grab a girls hand just to have her let go or pull away.  It’s sort of like that scene in the movie office space I’m just having a party all the time now everything I was doing before it’s just a joke, endlessly tinkering away for years at tedious art projects hoping that one day I would be famous and have a girlfriend.  Or becoming the fastest runner on my team and running these 8 mile runs and still feel like a loser who has no friends for some reason.  All this effort was absolutely for no reason. now all I do is imagine that I’m always having a party, it’s just this ‘party attitude’ and good things just keep building up.  I treat others with compassion for the suffering and challenges they go through that often get overlooked yet I’m always having fun even the compassion is part of the fun because it opens the way at all that connected energy human, to the adventure of leaning about people. Even talking about my problems can be fun because it helps me relate to people and them relate to me.

Depletion is a significant absence of energy that effects the material body, it can be caused by many things, and often is caused by many things at once, not just one, or rather the absence of many things or factors that should be there. It’s illusive because the body can repell or bounce back from one negative element, so we can never find that ‘one cause’ depletion usually happens when there are so many negative elements in ones life, that it causes their energetic body to collapse in on itself. It requires many cures, or positive influences. That’s why one ‘cure’ may not be enough. The body is strong and often it takes more then one thing to bring it down, in many cases. So lets explore all those factors!

Environment matters a lot. I often see coaches working with depleated people and trying to ‘motivate’ them out of it. And this is what leads to the viscous cycle of stress, we think we are not good enough, never trying hard enough, if i just try ‘harder’ it will work.. it never does. The truth is being depleated is actually very hard already, and the solution is to soak up some good energy. To find the right enviomrents, the right self-talk, learning to treat yourself with kindness, learning you deserve to put yourself in places that make you feel good, hang around people that make you feel good. rearranging your furniture, bringing more color and light into your house, putting up pictures that make you feel good, putting your wellbeing first. being around others, yet not chasing and sacrificing yourself for them. you can’t ‘motivate’ the photons back into your bodies cells. it’s actually a very enjoyable process, it’s about finding the rhythm and preactii reining these energeties. I spent a long time battling and stressing and moting myself to succeed, but i found it very furitless, stress that creates more stress, it eventually leads to a kind of insanity, and your willing to do anything and believe anything (i see this all the time), and that only gives feul to the idea that ‘trying harder’ in this self forceful way will lead to results. At the end of the day i’m not offering immortality, it’s just a series of subtle yet significant shifts…. It can be easy to say ‘open more windows?’ that’s not that important’, or ‘decorate my house with colorful inspiring posters?’ i’ll get to that another time, or ‘variety sounds good but i like this activity more, so i will do this one acitivy all day’, yet when you combine all these energetic benefits, your standard of wellness can increase a lot, it magnetically shifts the body/heart, to create an upwards pull, your own gravitational center if you will, you cutlavte enough personal satisfaction or deep vital energy, that you over come the exhaustive pull over gravity (not enough to fly) but you body will feel a lot lighter and more agile.

It’s a critical mass, where the positive forces in your life overcome the negative forces, it involves everyone and everything, but you don’t have to think about it all or make it complicated, it’s a lot of suble benefits, but it adds up to create a dramatic shift, where now effereltiess momentum, photoic and magnetic energy, is working in your personal favor. before it was bleeding out into the ground. but now reaching a certain mass of energy, it becomes perpetual motion, ‘flow’ as many call it (without always explaining all the forces involved) and this body energy can make so many parts of life a lot easier and more beneficial to people around you. a depldated body suffers AND pulls people around them down too, like a black hole, it sucks in so many ways and is the hardest thing ever. Cultivate a critical mass of energy, and you benefit and others benefit. Depilated people are not bad or lazy. There are so many stigmas about this it is crazy. When we realize that people who fall into the pull of gravity, these downward energies, and arcually just waiting for their potential energy to be unblocked, we begin to see many more people as comrades, and support and love them rather then critize them because we think they are ‘not trying’, which can’t be farther from the truth.

My top 9 Weirdest Dreams

My 9 weirdest and most profound dreams.

I used to not dream very much, or remember my dreams, and when i did they were very boring, like literally repeating the most boring parts of the previous waking day lol. My dad complains of something similar.

Later I got into meditation, I began to look forward to my dreams as a place of insight and even fun. I also got into lucid dreaming, or realizing that I could have free choice and control in my dreams, which i disovered before realizing that was a thing. Anyway i’ve since lessened mediation somewhat and become more about ‘living as play’ but thats another topic. Now my dreams continue to be liberated and interesting, even more so then before. I just see the dream as a continuation of the play of my waking life. it doesn’t even need to have a message, dreams for me now are often just pure fun, I don’t need a message so often to ‘fix something’ in my life, yet if there is a message now and then to help me get around a problem in waking life that can be fun too. These are some of my most profound dreams from the last 5 years when my life got more interesting. (I apologize for typos, this is sort of stream of consciousness)

 

My Guru

I was at a spiritual event in real life, that night I dreamed I was at home or in a hotel, I looked into a mirror, only my reflection was my guru, a man i looked up too in real life, I said ‘is that you rinposhe’ but then the mirror went blank and i had no reflection. then i left my body some how.

… It was almost like the dream was telling me.. that I was my guru. that I could be anything I wanted. and that seemed to be the conclusion I ultimately reached. that i looked too much to teachations and other to tell me what to do in my life, and ultimately I was already realized, alreatred the guru, already inglighed, and when I thought I wasn’t, things just went down hill.

 

Stowe-away Cat

A small fat white cat is hiding unlearnteahd a floorboard soaking weed, then people coem in to try and ‘exterminate’ the cat, but my mom comes in pleeding and defending the cat.

Staragne because I felt I was the cat in the dream, yet I had been very buddhist at the time, and against all indulgence at the time, so it was strange to dream of myself as a weed smoking cat.

 

Gothic Girls’ Command

I was in a big wear house or a furniture store. I saw a blond girl dart gleefully away to my left, I couldn’t quite keep up with her, then to my right i saw a gothically dressed girl sitting on a box, black hair, black dress. she was interesting to me. she said “crawl under that floor boards” so i did. there was some crawl space. i would to whatever she needed. then i saw a spider, and she said “eat that bug”, so i did. it actually felt hard and painful somehow, it felt like a somewhat wrong choice to make. i woke up. 

…interesting I felt the gothic girl was attainable for me, so I did a few semi-extreme things to please her, yet thinking back the blone girls mind frame seemed much healthier, just pure frolicking glee wandering free… yet i felt she was out of my reach. so i settled for following orders from someone who was a bit crazy.. because i felt i couldn’t have the other. but maybe i could. …. so that was my analysis, if it makes sense. for the record i love gothic style, i think the dream was more a symbolic ‘dark girl,’ an idea of a girl or an idea of how to work for success that actually instead leads me to a more literal darkness .

 

Far Away Planet

All of humanity had moved to this other planet. I felt the vast nothingness of space around me, and it felt like this small planet, it’s gavity my fade away at any time, and i could fall out into the vast distance of space. Im afraid of heights.  And without gravity, up is down and down is up, it’s like i could be falling forever. it’s scary to feel like there is no ground anywhere. it felt like all the planets in space are crumbling and disappearing.

This one is fear of being alone, fear of outer space, and the reality of it. We people of earth are -really- surrounded by a huge vat of outer space, empty space that travels light years and light years away, and we are ~surprised~ when we feel afraid or lost!

 

Airplain

One of the weirdest and darkerst ones, this was one of my first big dreams but i save it till now because it’s a big one.

adsf.jpg

I was watching a large airplane take off over dark and ominous skies. The takeoff seemed decent, yet soon it was clear that menacing dark mountains were below and the craft was flying low. The airplane swerved up & down, trying to stay in the air but nearly crashing into mountains multiple times. The airplane moved and curved almost like a snake or a spine. The plain was taking another dive, and had to fly underneath a suspension bridge, then immediately it pulled back up to dodge yet another mountain. For a moment I felt proud that the plain pulled this off. But then the plain immediately crashed into ANOTER even larger mountain. The plain was down, deviation… I found myself walking towards the plain to check out the wreckage. I entered the plain. There were bodies strewn all about, some even stuck to the sealing. It was a big double decker plain. I climbed up to the second floor. This is where it actually gets weird. …Strangely… this room was calm, nicely lit even. …8 men sat perfectly unharmed. They were all bald, identical looking, wearing star trek like uniforms. They all resembled Ken Wilber actually, the spiritual thinker. ..They were having a complex intellectual dialogue, oblivious of the dead below. ..There was also one old Russian woman there, she was operating a complex fortune telling device. They didn’t notice me, or seem indifferent to my presence. There dialogue was intense and brainy, the Russian woman sighed and had some counter advice for them, sort of like a loving argument… Then suddenly everyone vanished. The room was totally empty now, just me. Then the lights went out. My body went completely stiff, i couldn’t move. ..A dark shape appeared on the other side of the room. It looked almost human, or beast, but it was more like a shadow. I knew somehow, this was the thing that brought down the plain. The true reason for the crash. For some reason all I said to it was “are you coming?” Then I woke up.    .. In retrospect I believe that the shadow beast represented my physical body, it was a sign I was living in conflict with my own body.  the 8 men on the second floor represented my mind-mode way of living. sort of like ‘overthinking’ that may have brought down the plain, even after the plain crashed the men were still overthinking, they didn’t even notice anything bad happened. the one woman was my diminished feminine or creative energy, outnumbered by overthinking male voices. (For a while I even became fascinated with the beast, I noticed i could have these weird negative hallucinates while staring into the mirror without blinking, i would watch horror movies, and i could bring it back in my dreams…  but now i see the beast more as a stress manifestation, something i needed to let go of.) In truth it didn’t feel like there was a beast there, as soon as i addressed it in conversation, it seemed to disappear. like it had never even been there, after all it was a shadow, my own shadow.

 

Flying after the pointless conversation:

I’m talking to a shorth round woman, gazing into her eyes, she says “how are you”, i say “things haven’t been great lately, something is wrong, i don’t know what” i hold eye contact with her as she says “you should…” “you should” it seems she’s about to give me some kind of advice, but something isn’t right somehow, i’m not sure i buy it, i feel myself energetically pulling back, taking a breath, her eyes are glazing over, she seems a bit worried or she is becoming less interesting to me somehow. ‘you should….’ she continues, like the universe is glitching a bit. i realize i was happy just gazing at her, what ever she is about to say ‘you should…’ it isn’t right some how, i don’t even know why.. her voice fades into a whisper ‘you should…… take this pill.’ then she disappears.

It was like this falseness. Whoever she was going to say, it was just like selling me something i didn’t need. What I really need was just to gaze at her, just to feel like someone was listing, for two people to be there for each other. It didn’t need to be fixed with great advice, or a pill. what ever the advice was, it was essentially similar to handing me a pill to fix something that didn’t need fixing. gazing was the cure.

And suddenly the scene changed completly, i woke up in a hotel, i was somewhere on vacation with my family, london perhaps, i felt this amazing energy in my chest. it seemed like it’s own source of gravity. i realized had felt this before, as a child, and when traveling on great vactions. suddenly my body actually floated out of bed, i was flying, the energy in my chest lifted my body, like this was the most natural thing ever, then my body charged froward, flwying through the window and across the city. passing over beautiful city scapes. 

I call these streem dreams, where it’s like this role of beautify scenery just keeps automatically generating itself, i just keep walking or flying forward, and new senery keeps appearing, like a treadmill, the new scenery draws me fwoard and create a forward motion, that give my brain energy to generate more scenery, sort of like perpetual motion. the shift seemed to happen when i released i was content just gazing at her, and i didn’t have to do whatever she said i ‘should do’. gazing itself was the solution.

 

India Eyecontact

This dream actually really changed the way i looked at my life. I was on a trip in India when i had this dream. In the dream my co-workers were talking to this indian girl. i was watching them from a far on the second or third floor of a building. I was just gazing at the three of them, and suddenly my eyes met with the girls, she looked right at me, she lit up. An immeidalty, she actually climbed up the wall of the building, jumped in through the window and huged me. 

this dream had such a profound and strait forward message. all i did was make eye contact with her, and it was like she couldn’t wait to get to me. the next day i told my co-worker “i had this dream about eyecontat and it made me think” she said “do you think we aren’t making enough eyecontat with people?” i said rezliaing it sounded like an unintintal criticism “no, well, maybe -I- am not making enough eyecontat” i felt i needed to share the realization just to get somelses feed back, or just to help it stick in my mind. That day we were trying to win over a possible business associate, i remember i just made a lot of eyecontat with this new person, thinking she was attractive, she was telling us about a lot, talking fast, and there was a lot of it i didn’t understand, i remember thinking ‘is it even right to make so much eyecontt if i don’t understand a lot of what she is saying’ yet i had this strange feeling like making all this eyecoant i woudn’t normal make, was helping the exchange of energy, after the car ride and conversatoin with this person, my co-wokers talked a lot about how positive the exchange was and how happy they felt to work with this person. all i did was make eyecontat an think that this person was nice or attractive, yet i felt the uplift in my heart that it had made a difference and this was one of our better exchanges. after that i often had this feeling like i was ‘naked’, i used to rely on words so much, but now i realized so much energy could be transmitted just between the eyes of people, and i didn’t need words as often or as much. i didn’t have to stress over saying the right thing, and that made things much easier. and when i did speak, i could enjoy it more, it because more like art, and i liked the sound of each word in my moth, i felt more emotion behind it. i noticed i could say less then i used to, but it seemed to draw more people in, like art comedy or poetry.

 

Demon

…i’m looking in on a church from the third person. the pews (seats) are all full. only the person giving the sermon is not a person, it is very obviously and clearly a demon, large and round with huge spikes, he’s less the ‘creepy’ demon, and more the strong and powerful looking type. he is muscular. covered in dark scales. he seems evil, yet he seems ‘knowelgebul’ as he reads from a book, perhaps his power makes him seem safe for the people listening. But i don’t trust him. I am a silent onlooker in the dream, not aware of myself. but then one person stands up, interestingly he is not totally a person, he look like he’s half human half reptilian. perhaps to imply that he is ‘imperfect’, or has some demon in him too. he is also part human. he stands up suddenly and says “I reject your way of thinking” suddenly he is pulled to the back of the room, and hung on a crucifix. his arms stretched out.. you know the deal. the demon looked at him, i don’t think another word was even uttered. the demon just looked at him from across the length of the church, the demons mouth opened wide, it extended downwards in a way that seemed creepily longer then his jaw bones should reach, exposing a black pit, his throat. then the most creepy part of all, his long purple tongue extended out in an instant, reaching 50 yards the length of the church, and stabbed him right through the heart. i actually watched him writhe in angony, and then die.

believe it or not this isn’t nessarly how i feel about church, rather it is a metaphor for my life in genril, how it feels like i am sometimes in service to a demon or something evil because it is powerful, and obeying this darkness feels ‘safe’. yet i’ve never had a dream that caputred how i felt about it all so clearly. this feels like my whole life, so why have i never had this dream before? maybe because i wasn’t aware of what i was obeying. maybe i didn’t ~want~ to be aware of it. because that’s exactly what’s most sarry about the dream, is not the demon, but all the people in the seats, listening to what is clearly a demons sermon, yet they seem contented and not to notice. Something caused this one person/repile to stand up, what was it? is it a stretch to say that… maybe it was realizing that he was part reptile himself.. that librated him.

This dream is profound and i relate to it perhaps the most because there is both a profound realization of a hidden truth, followed by a dark extreme ending. It’s strange, i still feel the man was right to stand up for him self, even though it caused his death. this is actually rather christian in a way haha. the sacrifice.

 

Circle of knives

I’m in a park/valley with lots of fun young people around me, i see my college house mates, i walk over to talk to them, there is some kind of exchange, but it feels distanced, ultimately i walk back and don’t join them for a seat, which is what i wanted. later i’m sitting on a trampoline (like the one in my back yard) a few friends around me. i say “i wanted to connect with them, but i couldn’t get close for some reason”. one of the friends there is a girl, she looks slightly sickly, like she has been socially isolated, or puts work first all the time over friends, she said “i have a plan”. suddenly the scenery changed compleaty, i was walking, circling around a lake, i felt a knife at my back “ow!” this game isn’t fun. i speed up. a knife at my back again “ow!” but there was no way out. there were a few others with me, each had a kife, it was some strange dangerous game. who ever was too slow got cut. It felt physically painful, in a way that went beyond the dream. what i thought was someones logical plan, my plan, someones plan, to improve my life.. was now very clearly revealing itself to be a violent circle of knives.

What’s interesting is i’ve had this dream before recurring, yet it was only the kife part… i’ve never had the earlier part of that dream with the park and the trampoline. like a prequel dream. The earlier part seems to add some new insight on what caused the second part to happen. the socially isolated girl.. is part of myself, her “plan”, is the knife fight, madness, she is willing to fight to the death, to get what she is missing. because her isolation has made her mad. I think of her as the ‘sick girl’ or rather the ‘sick mind’. The circurule nature of the knife fight seems to point to that. the game is going no where, madness. …the only solution i can think of, is when i was on the trmpline, to simply not listen to the sick minded girl. similar to the woman in the ‘you should’ dream. the girl seems ‘knowledgeable’ because she makes up for her sadness by working hard all the time. yet underneath her knowledge is pure madness that can never be satisfied if it continues. reminds me of my school life. working on projects to impress people, but it was the long and wrong way to go about getting basic love and connection. i didn’t realize or feel that i was ‘good enough’ already. her plan to prove how good i was actually took me very far from what i wanted, even though it felt productive at the time, like i had solutions, like i had answers… yet almost anything else would have been better. less plotting and planning for future approval, more having fun and self love now.

 

 

The Difficult Journey: How to Stop Seeking Validation from Others

The Humbling River

validation

So… this one can be a doozy.  Most of us aren’t even aware of the ways in which we persistently seek validation from others.  How do you address a problem you aren’t even aware that you have?  With some simple questions, of course..

So, let’s start here — a simple yes or no will help you to determine if this is or has been a problem for you,

Do you find yourself regularly displaced outside of your own experience, wondering and guessing at what another person is thinking/feeling?

Do you stop before you even start on new endeavors or projects because you are anxious over how others will perceive them?

Are you always or often the first person to say, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” to those closest to you?

Do you only show certain aspects of your personality, such as favored interests or hobbies, to carefully selected people in your life?

After…

View original post 719 more words

Why Anime reveals our desire for Group Bonding

Often for many of us, our bodies are in what I would call a ‘low energy state’, perhaps we don’t know it, we just know ‘something is missing’. We struggle to find meaning. We long for deeper connection. Secretly wish for the recognition of pears. When this isn’t met we turn to a yearning to journey into a fantasy world. To meet “aliens. Time Travelers. and Ghost (Espers).” To quote a certain anime. Can’t this world get a little more interesting?

1

It’s mid winter. Haruhi is only wearing a tea shirt. But she is not cold. Her body is generating a massive amount of energy. It seems like she has nearly three times more than the others in the group. On the other hand Kozimui (in the middle) is freezing.

Haruhi is not only not cold, but she is having fun. She races ahead. What is it about her life style that allows her to generate this kind of energy?

Sure anime is fiction, but you can tell the creators are often inspired by observations of real events and experiences, because at the end of the day audiences relate to the stuff that feels ‘real’. Pure fantasy is actually less exciting because we can’t relate to it.

What generates Haruhi’s energy, her mainframe? Her willingness to take charge, and gather people, without needing a good ‘reason’? The way she can act without having to think or prepare that much before hand. The way she doesn’t care what people think of her. Probably all of the above.

 

Goku fights many battles on his own, but he only becomes a Super Saiyan God after gathering power with his friends.

7

In his battle Goku expresses sadness that he wasn’t able to “achieve this power on his own.” We see this theme of Pride play out many times in the anime series, Dragon Ball Z. By expressing this Goku lets his pride get in the way and his opponent Lord Bills gains the upper hand for a time. I relate to this in my own life, my greatest strength has come from gathering with others, but my pride gets in the way, I’ve found it hard to accept more of this power, even knowing how to get it, for the reason that it’s not ‘my’ power, it comes from the group, a shared power that goes beyond what I can do on my own.

Pride: I’ve got to do it on my own. I’ve got to suffer thought it. I am tough. I don’t need help from anyone. This will make me stronger.

Vageta puts a serious amount of effort into everything he does. He struggles, grunts, and strains. But because of his pride, he always falls behind Goku.  There is a kind of effortlessness to Goku’s power Vegata can’t seem to match no matter how hard he tries.

When Vageta abandons his pride and teams up with Goku, they attain incredible power. Power that goes even further beyond what Goku can attain alone.

“Because they were rivals, it actually makes their fusion more complete.” Old Kai, a wise elder, remarks.

 

I watched a lot of anime as a teen and young adult (as many do, anime is a surprising success even among adults, it is cathartic, we relate to it, it captures our emotions), something about it just captivated me like nothing else. My conscious life was very much about finding the ‘dream girl’.. but looking back what I didn’t realize was, much of the anime I watched was about a group of characters, coming together, bonding, laughing, going on adventures, all my favorite shows involved groups of characters, sometimes just goofing around, even though I consciously wanted the ‘dream girl’ I had a strong subconscious desire for group bonding, to be with a group of friends or peers. (Well the word subconscious makes it sound like some mysterious part of my brain ‘already knew’ it, and maybe it did, maybe I was afraid to admit what I needed and wanted, because it meant exploring new ways of spending my time, but it’s also true that I wanted and needed a new way of being with people, I needed it, even if I didn’t ‘know’ that i needed it, on any level of my mind.) This was definitely true for me, I can see now much successful anime has this theme, and I wonder that others are drawn to anime by this same desire to be part of a group, a club, etc, even if we often may not even be aware of this yearning, or that it is this that we are yearning for.

 

Sometime it feels like we are disconnected from our bodies, particularly in the modern technological era. It’s as though our body is some giant humanoid machine, like the ones from the despotic future anime Evangelion. We take orders, fight battles, we forget what we are even fighting for.

Sometimes for mysterious reasons our ‘sync ratio’ seems to be just right, “above 300” to quote Evangelion, and everything goes smoothly. Life just works. This amazing power comes out of seemingly nowhere. A body mind connection.

Other times we find ourselves hopelessly disconnected. The machine just won’t go. We don’t even know why.

23

The body is the strange thing, almost like an ancient alien technology.

Atuska and Shinji fight in Sync and defeat the enemy. Representing when people are in sync in an act of play, we are connected, as though by a magnetic or energetic field. In Evangelion they call this the AT field. IT takes them training and practice to get there. At first their instinct is to compete and argue, and this makes things worse, they lose the battle, by working together as friends and equals they win the battle.

 

.hackroots is another fun sci-fi anime. In this anime Haseo and Ovan spend a lot of time in the virtual reality game, “the world.”

When he stops moving Haseo’s (on the right) natural posture is slightly hunched. He struggles to connect to others. His body is not receiving vital energy. He feels dissatisfied and searches for this satisfaction, moving from one thing to the next, and his own vital energy can’t keep up with him. He is in a state of perpetual depletion.

Ovan has a bit of a confident older brother persona. Esoteric and intellectual. Ovan has better posture, but this is maintained with subtle conscious effort. On the surface Ovan seems to have a natural strength, but in realty his vital energy is only a bit stronger than Haseo’s. By creating an appearance of strength Ovan attracts healthy relationships into his life and thus gains some actual strength. But he may not fully be in touch with his inner power either.

16

Haseo will yearn for Ovan’s charisma. He may even mimic Ovan’s behavior. But he will only get mixed results. In realty even Ovan doesn’t know what he’s doing, he only seems to. This sets up a dangerous paradigm.

 

Kaname Chidori is a regular school girl with no military experience. However because she has a healthy life style, good friends, and is in touch with her instinctive body she is able to out wit and defeat a highly skilled combat specialist in their first encounter.

17

Chidori’s instincts and fully functioning perception allow her to doge bullets on reflex. The specialist on the other hand has years of training, but her body simply can not keep up physically. Chidori herself cannot understand why she is winning. The combat specialist has training in the field, yet she is a victim of abuse and is completely out of touch with the basic instincts of her body. Again these are anime characters, yet i feel like i see this same type of thing in reality, as i watch the anime it reminds me of real life experiences and people.. and the anime makes it fun and easy to identify and remember these phenomena.

The anime refers to certain characters having ‘whispered’ powers. I can’t help but wonder if these powers are a metaphor for the abilities of the instinctive human body when uninhibited by depleted (or stressed) energy. Our human bodies grow old they die. Our organic minds are slow. We are susceptiable to illness and diease. We make silly blunders all the time.

 

We dream of an age where all this might be changed. Where humans are enhance. A merging of human and mechiene. Some dread it, others yearn for it.

An age of artifical bodies that live forever. Think faster. Feel better. And can communicate telepathically through the net.

The Ghost in the Shell. We feel our inner reality is often hard to express to others. So much remanes unexpressed though present day language. What if one day in the future we could share our deepest thoughts and expreces by synching our minds though some kind of cable or net singnal. Would it bring us closer. Would it bring us too close?

18

Could this dream of connection be possible in our time. Does the body have some kind of hidden potential making these feats possible without technolgy?

We build our cities but we put the forest in danger. We advance technology, society, knowledge, but it seems at the cost and suppression of our own basic nature. We enrage the spirits within. We turn the forest into our enemy. Gods become demons that go on to harm us as much as we harm them. What is the simple yet power message of Princess Monoke?

Ashataka saves his village from a demon, yet instead of becoming a hero he is cursed where the demon touched him. He did the right thing, yet now he must bare this strange cruel sticky curse mark, possibly for all his life, and is outcast from his village. Already this movie is different and profound. It is a wound that refuses to heal, like some in my life. At first one doesn’t understand why.

3321

But then we learn to cope. We learn to use the curse to our advantage in the ways that we can. Ashitakas curse is a good metaphor for the weirdness and relentless itch of mircrospic decease, things that effect us on the cellular level, or even just fear and negative thoughts, all the little waves and energetic pulses that can compile and bring us down, or lift us up.

Society succeeds in conquering human nature in the part of the movie when Lady Eboshi kills the Forest Spirit. This moment in the movie is really profound for me, because Eboshi  actually kills a god of goodness and nature, thinks she’s accomplished something and it certinatly was hard to do, yet she doesn’t realize she’s actually killed the source of life she and her people depend on. In modern times we have conquered the earth with our current version of society, polluting it, yet our industrial and competitive based way of life does not harness the true power of nature and the human and animal community. We are getting in our own way by not trusting nature, and other people as equals, not trusting our own nature and the creative playful self. They could have easily said the forst spirit survives and get’s payback, but it doesn’t, much is not redeemed, and that is more true to what happens in our world.

332

We long for a return to natural harmony.

 

 

If You Could Improve Your Life by Replacing One Word Would You?

Professional & Personal Development

should

I want to discuss a word that has been on my mind quite a bit lately. This word has plagued millions of people with guilt and shame and I believe that if we reduce the number of times we use this word I believe that all of us can reduce the level of guilt we have in our lives. This word my friends is the word ‘SHOULD’.

The most insidious fact about this word is that it affects millions of people without ever crossing the person’s lips. What do I mean by that? I am referring to our thoughts.

In cognitive psychology it is believed that our thoughts create our emotions and how we think about a situation will trigger an emotion.

Let’s take a look at how this word operates in our everyday thinking.

When you use the word ‘should’ in relation to yourself it can create a damper…

View original post 308 more words